Latest / Groove with Portia / How to Find Yourself After a Toxic Relationship

Transcript

How to Find Yourself After a Toxic Relationship · Groove with Portia

0:07
Speaker 1: Welcome to Guru Portia, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
0:10
Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Portia, the producer, and
0:13
Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
0:16
Speaker 1: where we will exchange laughter. Of course, the best medicine
0:19
Speaker 1: of them all. Reflect on cherished memories. Remember that time
0:22
Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
0:24
Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park?
0:25
Speaker 2: Yikes.
0:26
Speaker 1: And of course, discover gratitude while navigating one of life's
0:30
Speaker 1: hardest challenges, loss. So get ready to grew with me, Portia,
0:34
Speaker 1: the producer. Let's dive in. So Hello everybody and welcome
0:46
Speaker 1: back to Guru with Portia. I'm your host Portia Booker
0:49
Speaker 1: and as always don't forget to like, share, and subscribe
0:52
Speaker 1: to keep up with all things Guru with Portia. So
0:55
Speaker 1: one of the things that I want to start off
0:57
Speaker 1: with today is the power of gratitude. I found myself
1:02
Speaker 1: in this space earlier today where I was overwhelmed by
1:05
Speaker 1: all the things. right of the different pieces of the
1:09
Speaker 1: business that I'm working on different collaborations obviously other personal
1:14
Speaker 1: things in my life and I found myself like oh
1:16
Speaker 1: my god I have to do more but then I
1:18
Speaker 1: took a moment to say you know what I'm grateful
1:21
Speaker 1: to be in the seat of occupancy that I'm in
1:24
Speaker 1: today let me say that again I'm grateful to be
1:27
Speaker 1: in the seat of occupancy that I am today and
1:30
Speaker 1: Because at one point, the things that I'm experiencing were
1:34
Speaker 1: just a pipe dream. But now that they're presently before me,
1:39
Speaker 1: I'm grateful to be here. The big vision may not
1:42
Speaker 1: be here just yet, but it's not off the table.
1:45
Speaker 1: So today, everyone, I'm joined by a special guest who
1:48
Speaker 1: also shares the same vision of gratitude as I am.
1:52
Speaker 1: She is the author of the book, This is BS,
1:56
Speaker 1: Not a Love Story. So welcome to Guru Portia, Ms.
1:59
Speaker 1: Nicole Kranz. Nicole, how are you today?
2:02
Speaker 2: Good. Thank you so much, Portia, for that. Really, thank
2:05
Speaker 2: you for welcoming me and to talk about gratitude. I
2:09
Speaker 2: think it's so important. I think it's a very important word, actually,
2:12
Speaker 2: that we should... understand and feel more you know every
2:17
Speaker 2: day it's a gratitude every day it's a gratitude already
2:20
Speaker 2: to be awake to wake up to get out of
2:23
Speaker 2: the bed to be able to do things and to
2:25
Speaker 2: open your eyes on what life's gonna you know give
2:30
Speaker 2: you you know i think gratitude start from the beginning
2:33
Speaker 2: start when you wake up you.
2:34
Speaker 1: Know Nicole, you're speaking my language because the minute that
2:39
Speaker 1: so gratitude is part of my day twice a day,
2:42
Speaker 1: sometimes multiple times a day, but it's always in the morning.
2:46
Speaker 1: I'm grateful for waking up, grateful for the conversations I
2:50
Speaker 1: had the day before. And then as I hit my
2:53
Speaker 1: head on the pillow before I go to bed. I'm
2:55
Speaker 1: grateful for, again, the conversations, the things that didn't go
2:59
Speaker 1: in alignment with the day. But I'm grateful for the
3:02
Speaker 1: lesson that I took.
3:03
Speaker 2: Absolutely. Absolutely. And we have to be grateful for those
3:09
Speaker 2: moments that didn't go the way you wanted. Because that's
3:13
Speaker 2: where you react and you see that you grow. Instead
3:17
Speaker 2: of getting angry, you accept them in another way. And
3:20
Speaker 2: you say there is a reason why. Life is leading
3:23
Speaker 2: me somewhere else. You know, that's why I'm grateful with
3:28
Speaker 2: my book, This is BES, Not a Love Story, about
3:31
Speaker 2: this toxic relationship. I'm thankful somehow. I don't, you know,
3:37
Speaker 2: I don't forgive him because you don't need to forgive everyone.
3:40
Speaker 2: You know, forgiveness is a choice. But you can be
3:43
Speaker 2: thankful for these people that hurt you and for you
3:47
Speaker 2: to finally understand the meaning of respecting yourself. Go your
3:52
Speaker 2: way to respect yourself and to be respected from the others.
3:58
Speaker 2: Finally having this position where you are strong enough to
4:03
Speaker 2: say no. You're going to see who you're going to
4:06
Speaker 2: have in front of you. This no is... really my
4:11
Speaker 2: gratitude today to have learned how to say no, definitely.
4:16
Speaker 1: You know, Nicole, I never thought of gratitude in that
4:19
Speaker 1: way of almost like a boundary in a sense, because
4:22
Speaker 1: I mean, we're the word no, as we both understand
4:26
Speaker 1: is a complete sentence and with gratitude, it's its own
4:31
Speaker 1: standalone feeling. It's that feeling of being present and acknowledging
4:37
Speaker 1: that yes, no, Things didn't pan out in this rose-colored
4:42
Speaker 1: glasses scenario. But at the same time, I'm still able
4:48
Speaker 1: to take something from this. I got to learn about
4:52
Speaker 1: pieces of myself that maybe I would not have had
4:54
Speaker 1: the opportunity to do if this experience wasn't planted before me.
5:00
Speaker 1: And Nicole, you also brought up about forgiveness. And I
5:03
Speaker 1: think there's a lot of misconception about what forgiveness is.
5:09
Speaker 1: what it should look like, but really forgiveness is your
5:13
Speaker 1: own interpretation. You don't have to interact with people once
5:17
Speaker 1: you forgive them. You know, I'm not a fan of
5:20
Speaker 1: that phrase, forgive and forget. I'm just not a fan
5:23
Speaker 1: of it.
5:24
Speaker 2: You know, just standing in my, my, my Joe, I
5:27
Speaker 2: give you the other one. No, you know, this is,
5:30
Speaker 2: I think we should, uh, separate religion and your own belief.
5:36
Speaker 2: I think it's very important for you to create your
5:39
Speaker 2: own belief. We grow up in a family. We grow
5:42
Speaker 2: up with what we received. But at a certain point,
5:46
Speaker 2: to become, you have to break certain patterns. You have
5:50
Speaker 2: to see that what you receive it wasn't probably what
5:55
Speaker 2: was so good for you just try to find what
5:58
Speaker 2: is right for you just try to find yourself you
6:01
Speaker 2: know we are human beings we are separate from our
6:05
Speaker 2: parents separate from our siblings separate from our surroundings friends
6:10
Speaker 2: and and people we work with we are just one
6:14
Speaker 2: identity and i think what is so exciting is to
6:18
Speaker 2: find yourself to find the true you And that's a journey.
6:22
Speaker 2: That's a long journey. And you cannot go into it
6:27
Speaker 2: without experiences. And I think life is an experience. I
6:31
Speaker 2: think we are born for that. We are not only
6:34
Speaker 2: born to live. The breathing of your heart, we know.
6:38
Speaker 2: We can feel it. But the breathing of the soul,
6:42
Speaker 2: that's a different part of the body where the truth
6:46
Speaker 2: is kept. And we have to go through it. And
6:50
Speaker 2: I think when you go more and more into that direction,
6:54
Speaker 2: then gratitude becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. You know,
6:58
Speaker 2: we can be like, wow, graceful to have met certain people.
7:03
Speaker 2: And we have to say it out loud. You know,
7:05
Speaker 2: I'm Brazilian. And like in the States, we say very often,
7:12
Speaker 2: we use the word. Like, for example, I speak French
7:14
Speaker 2: and I've been brought up in Geneva. And as well,
7:19
Speaker 2: I spent six years in Paris. And they don't use
7:22
Speaker 2: the word gratitude the same way as we do, like
7:26
Speaker 2: Americans and Brazilians. The way with the heart. You know,
7:31
Speaker 2: thank you so much of being here with me. I
7:35
Speaker 2: think it's very important to recognize when somebody helped you
7:40
Speaker 2: or somebody hurt you to help you. You know, I
7:44
Speaker 2: think it's very important to recognize To stop, like you
7:47
Speaker 2: were saying at the beginning, just don't rush in the day.
7:51
Speaker 2: Just realize what you've done and what you achieved. Be
7:57
Speaker 2: proud of yourself and not be proud of yourself sometimes too.
8:02
Speaker 2: And to see where you can get better. You know,
8:05
Speaker 2: this ego part, the ego doesn't serve much in our lives, finally.
8:10
Speaker 2: It's not something that it's so interesting to work with.
8:13
Speaker 2: I think what is interesting to work with is our
8:16
Speaker 2: brain to open certain little boxes that we never thought
8:23
Speaker 2: we could reach and think that way. And I think
8:27
Speaker 2: that's when you are in the survival mode, then you
8:30
Speaker 2: find boxes opening up to save you. And I think
8:36
Speaker 2: it's very interesting to work with all that, with the
8:38
Speaker 2: brain and the heart and the spirit and the soul,
8:42
Speaker 2: to reach gratitude. 100%. 100%, Nicole.
8:45
Speaker 1: And I mean, I love how you brought up too
8:49
Speaker 1: about the experiences of the heart and the experiences of
8:53
Speaker 1: the spirit. Because I don't think people realize that those
8:56
Speaker 1: are two different things. And, you know, Nicole, I really
9:00
Speaker 1: want to dive into this because I often hear and
9:03
Speaker 1: I've interviewed different individuals who have been in Terrible relationships.
9:08
Speaker 1: Some ended up being very domestic violence written. A few
9:12
Speaker 1: have almost had their lives taken from them. And one
9:16
Speaker 1: of the things that I noticed in society, people often ask, well,
9:20
Speaker 1: why don't you just leave?
9:22
Speaker 2: Right.
9:22
Speaker 1: And I think more the question is not why didn't
9:26
Speaker 1: you just leave? But what makes leaving a controlling or
9:32
Speaker 1: abusive relationship realistically complicated? on your end and from your
9:37
Speaker 1: experience because to me the why didn't you just leave
9:41
Speaker 1: has a whole slew of different societal and cultural stigmas
9:48
Speaker 1: that come along with that.
9:51
Speaker 2: You become the one the weak you become the weakness
9:56
Speaker 2: whereas when you are in a toxic relationship there is
9:59
Speaker 2: something very well installed for you to be comfortable in
10:03
Speaker 2: a way in a toxic relationship you know you don't
10:07
Speaker 2: meet these people for nothing you've got you are coming
10:10
Speaker 2: you with your own failures that you have to you
10:13
Speaker 2: know to face it and resolve it so the lack
10:16
Speaker 2: of love or abandonment. Everyone has a failure that suddenly
10:20
Speaker 2: you meet this type of people for you to go
10:23
Speaker 2: into that story. But what I think is interesting is
10:26
Speaker 2: the entourage. That's why in my book, I chose the
10:29
Speaker 2: bullfight as a metaphor because you enter in a very
10:34
Speaker 2: nice dance, a very nice seduction. All these people, they
10:37
Speaker 2: seduce you to come into their own world. And the
10:40
Speaker 2: more you get in, of course, the violence started to...
10:44
Speaker 2: to take place, and you get used to violence. But
10:47
Speaker 2: what is terrifying is actually the public. The public is there.
10:51
Speaker 2: The public is watching what's happening in front of them.
10:56
Speaker 2: And so many times, you can be in a couple
11:00
Speaker 2: in front of other people and being badly treated, and
11:03
Speaker 2: people see it, but they don't say it. And they
11:06
Speaker 2: always say, I don't want to interfere. Interfering is not
11:14
Speaker 2: asking somebody that you love, are you okay? Let's have
11:20
Speaker 2: a coffee. Are you okay? Just try to bring that
11:25
Speaker 2: person to speak more. Because the leaving part, why you
11:32
Speaker 2: didn't leave before, that's a non-question. That's a useless question.
11:40
Speaker 2: How can I help you? for you to go while
11:45
Speaker 2: you are in there. And I think the entourage has
11:50
Speaker 2: a very important role. You know, we decide to watch
11:56
Speaker 2: the bull being, you know, violently killed, or we decide
12:02
Speaker 2: to go. And it's a little bit the same thing
12:05
Speaker 2: when you go into a toxic relationship. You can tell
12:09
Speaker 2: if you know a friend You can tell when there's
12:12
Speaker 2: a changing mood. You can tell when she's fading away.
12:16
Speaker 2: You can tell when she's scared to say a word.
12:20
Speaker 2: You can tell that. But the thing of not interfering
12:26
Speaker 2: because that's not my relationship. That's not, you know, I stand.
12:30
Speaker 2: So who are you as a friend? Who are you? And,
12:34
Speaker 2: you know, that's the gratitude part is when you stand
12:40
Speaker 2: up with somebody that you love, in those occasions, you
12:46
Speaker 2: just don't just be there. Be there. Try. Try your
12:52
Speaker 2: best for her to talk and to say, what I'm
12:56
Speaker 2: going through is absolutely horrible. What I'm going through, actually,
12:59
Speaker 2: it's not normal. Help me.
13:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, and feeling safe too, Nicole, right? Because I think oftentimes,
13:08
Speaker 1: as you mentioned, the bystander effect is real in our
13:11
Speaker 1: society where it's easier to just say, well, that's not
13:16
Speaker 1: my relationship. Yeah, I don't wanna get involved. But at
13:20
Speaker 1: the same time, this is someone who you love and
13:23
Speaker 1: respect and you want to make sure that they're safe,
13:27
Speaker 1: that they're happy. And so it's important for us To
13:31
Speaker 1: ask those questions. Hey, are you are you really OK?
13:35
Speaker 1: And I mean, and then you make your decision of
13:38
Speaker 1: whether to respond or not based on that. But I
13:42
Speaker 1: think it just starts with taking that initial step, taking
13:46
Speaker 1: that initiative. And Nicole, something that I thought about too,
13:50
Speaker 1: is that you talked about your healing and you described
13:53
Speaker 1: it as an entire reset of yourself. I'm curious for you,
13:58
Speaker 1: what had to be unlearned before you could start to
14:02
Speaker 1: really discover your true identity?
14:06
Speaker 2: I think it's when actually I remember just before leaving him,
14:12
Speaker 2: he sent me to see a psychiatrist because I was
14:15
Speaker 2: born borderline. Okay, fine. So obviously that's one of the
14:18
Speaker 2: things he would use as a tool, as a perfect
14:22
Speaker 2: tool to say, my wife, she's the craziest one. She
14:25
Speaker 2: needs help. But thanks to that, I was in front
14:28
Speaker 2: of a psychiatrist and he didn't say a word. He
14:32
Speaker 2: wasn't the best, but it was the best in that
14:34
Speaker 2: moment for me to suddenly, speak out loud what I
14:39
Speaker 2: was going through and what I was leaving and what
14:43
Speaker 2: I was going through wasn't at all something normal. And
14:49
Speaker 2: I started to cry and to cry and to cry.
14:53
Speaker 2: And then when I started the real work with my
14:57
Speaker 2: psychiatrist that knew me since I was a teen, then
15:01
Speaker 2: we went into what I've put myself through not what
15:08
Speaker 2: I did, but what I've put myself through. And suddenly
15:11
Speaker 2: you see yourself and you have to go through disgust.
15:17
Speaker 2: You have to go through shame. You have to go
15:20
Speaker 2: to despair. You have to go to sadness. You have
15:23
Speaker 2: to go. And he did it so well that he
15:25
Speaker 2: puts my parents against me. So I was very alone.
15:30
Speaker 2: But in a way, it was... the only way for
15:34
Speaker 2: me to realize who I was at that time, that
15:37
Speaker 2: I was really not a woman who was respecting herself.
15:42
Speaker 2: And I will say it again and again and again,
15:45
Speaker 2: this question of respecting yourself. That's really like, I couldn't understand.
15:51
Speaker 2: Obviously he brainwashed me in such a way because my
15:56
Speaker 2: past was already very fragile. being violated and raped and
16:01
Speaker 2: anorexic and into drugs and whatever in the early age.
16:04
Speaker 2: So all this helped him to create the environment for
16:10
Speaker 2: me to be the sick one, for me to be
16:13
Speaker 2: the one to be pointed out. So it was the
16:19
Speaker 2: starting point of the reset. It was to learn everything
16:24
Speaker 2: from scratch that I never... learned since I was a teen.
16:29
Speaker 2: My mom was very into seduction. She never taught me
16:33
Speaker 2: you should be loved by a man, even though she
16:36
Speaker 2: was with my father for so many years. She was
16:41
Speaker 2: very much into seduction. She pushed me out there at
16:44
Speaker 2: the age of 13. So I never had, and it's
16:48
Speaker 2: nothing to blame or, you know, If at 50 you
16:52
Speaker 2: are still blaming your parents, then, you know, there is
16:55
Speaker 2: something wrong. You're just like, you know, and so she, she,
17:00
Speaker 2: she did what she could and everyone, no one is perfect.
17:04
Speaker 2: And she came from another, uh, you know, another century
17:08
Speaker 2: as well, where women were very into seduction and were
17:13
Speaker 2: very well taught to say yes to the man. Right.
17:17
Speaker 2: You know, today it's different. Today is different. Today, it's
17:23
Speaker 2: even too much. The Me Too, I like it. But
17:26
Speaker 2: I think it's very important, this game of seduction, because
17:31
Speaker 2: it's where you meet the people. It's where interaction comes.
17:36
Speaker 2: And that, I think, we shouldn't abolish this, as now
17:41
Speaker 2: certain women are doing this. I think we should still
17:44
Speaker 2: have this game between men and women. I think it's important.
17:49
Speaker 2: But for the woman, the most important thing is to
17:51
Speaker 2: respect herself. And for me, it was a reset. And
17:55
Speaker 2: I'm glad because now at more than 50, I am
18:00
Speaker 2: the teen, you know, that I've never been before. So
18:04
Speaker 2: I'm going to go into the direction that I've never
18:08
Speaker 2: been the most beautiful one. You know? Yeah.
18:13
Speaker 1: I mean, you were able to take some steps back, Nicole. Yeah.
18:18
Speaker 1: take inventory of the pieces of you that you wanted
18:22
Speaker 1: to explore but didn't have the opportunity because of life's
18:26
Speaker 1: circumstances and things that were out of your control. And Nicole,
18:32
Speaker 1: for our audience who's tuning in, if they want to
18:35
Speaker 1: connect with you, if they want to get a copy
18:38
Speaker 1: of This Is BS, Not A Love Story, how can
18:40
Speaker 1: they connect with you today?
18:43
Speaker 2: So, of course, I have a website, nicole.com. They can
18:47
Speaker 2: find me on Amazon, on Barnes & Nobles, everything online.
18:51
Speaker 2: They can find my book. So it's very easy. And
18:57
Speaker 2: I hope it can help as well just to make
19:01
Speaker 2: sure that we understand that's the title. This is BS,
19:06
Speaker 2: not a love story, because that's not love. We really
19:09
Speaker 2: have to differentiate love. what love is and what a
19:15
Speaker 2: toxic relationship is. You know, love is scary, even though
19:20
Speaker 2: you can have fights, even though nothing is perfect in
19:23
Speaker 2: a couple. And you know that, I know that. But
19:27
Speaker 2: when there is some respect, everything is okay. At the end,
19:31
Speaker 2: everything will be okay. And that's why, you know, not
19:35
Speaker 2: all the story are love stories. And when they are not,
19:40
Speaker 2: we have to go. There is this comfort zone of
19:44
Speaker 2: staying because of the unknown, but we have to look
19:50
Speaker 2: at as a child like saying i love the unknown
19:55
Speaker 2: i want to go there i want to go to
19:58
Speaker 2: that place that i really don't know like a kid
20:01
Speaker 2: would do.
20:02
Speaker 1: You know Yeah, 100%. Nicole, let me just say that
20:06
Speaker 1: this has been a fantastic conversation with you. And I
20:10
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming on and reminding our
20:12
Speaker 1: audience the importance of respecting themselves. Number two, the importance
20:17
Speaker 1: of gratitude and finding our way to remind ourselves during
20:23
Speaker 1: those unfavorable seasons that we all go through. that everything
20:27
Speaker 1: is meant to teach us something. There's a book, and
20:30
Speaker 1: I'm sure you're familiar with it, Nicole, it's called The
20:32
Speaker 1: Game of Life by Florence Scovel Shinn. And there's a
20:36
Speaker 1: part in the book where she says, man is not
20:39
Speaker 1: your enemy, man is not your friend, for man is
20:42
Speaker 1: your teacher. And when you think about the life that
20:45
Speaker 1: we have, everything is meant to teach you something. Absolutely. Absolutely.
20:50
Speaker 1: Before we conclude for today, when you think about the
20:54
Speaker 1: woman you were before the relationship that almost destroyed you,
20:59
Speaker 1: the woman who survived everything, and the woman you are today,
21:05
Speaker 1: what does finding your groove mean to you now?
21:11
Speaker 2: But you see, when I looked at her, when I
21:14
Speaker 2: looked at this girl over there, I love her. I
21:19
Speaker 2: truly love her. She had to go through that to
21:23
Speaker 2: become the person I am today. And that's okay. That's okay.
21:31
Speaker 2: But I think you have to be very honest with yourself.
21:35
Speaker 2: And the journey, it's worth it. But it's not easy.
21:41
Speaker 2: But it's worth it. Definitely.
21:44
Speaker 1: A hundred percent. I couldn't agree more, Nicole. And again,
21:48
Speaker 1: I thank you so much for coming on and sharing
21:51
Speaker 1: with our audience the real deal. I mean, things are,
21:55
Speaker 1: I hate to say it, BS. There's a lot of
21:57
Speaker 1: BS in the world today. And you just have to
22:01
Speaker 1: be bold enough and courageous enough to say, I'm not settling.
22:06
Speaker 1: I'm not settling for what's before me. I want something better.
22:09
Speaker 1: I want something different because you get to choose and
22:12
Speaker 1: change the outcome before you.
22:14
Speaker 2: Absolutely. And there is just one thing I want to say,
22:17
Speaker 2: you know, that suddenly I realized that really the person
22:22
Speaker 2: I can count on, it's me. And by knowing this,
22:31
Speaker 2: it's all good. You know, you have to count on
22:34
Speaker 2: yourself first. It's okay. You can have parents, family, husband, cousins, friends, whatever.
22:40
Speaker 2: Count on yourself. And that's another dimension of gratitude. 100%.
22:47
Speaker 1: Bet on you. Why not give yourself a shot? I mean,
22:50
Speaker 1: you buy lottery tickets or you go to the casino
22:53
Speaker 1: and you waste money on a chance to win a
22:56
Speaker 1: million dollars or however much the jackpot is. So why
22:59
Speaker 1: not apply that same thing to yourself? Well, everybody, that
23:03
Speaker 1: was Nicole Kranz that you heard from today on Guru
23:06
Speaker 1: of Portia. And that concludes our conversation. Until next time, everybody,
23:10
Speaker 1: peace and hair grease, everyone.
23:16
Speaker 2: Thank you.