Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Merge Finances, And How Do You Make Joint Decisions About Money?

Transcript

Should You Merge Finances, And How Do You Make Joint Decisions About Money? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. Today, I'm going to be
• 0:10
  addressing a reader question of whether married people.
• 0:13
  Should merge finances and how to make decisions about money in
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  this was a Facebook group member question.
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  So you should join my Facebook group because then you will have
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  input into what I address. Obviously it won't be every
• 0:26
  suggestion. But many suggestions, many
• 0:29
  topics come from suggestions from Facebook group members.
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  So before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:34
  Subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode was on
• 0:37
  touchless marriages, where nobody touches and the next one
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  So you'll get access to all of those for only $6 a month. 599 a
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  month, that's a pretty good deal.
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  All right, so my position on this is fairly straightforward.
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  Was it is, you are married, and therefore money should be in a
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  joint account. And that's that, of course, many
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  people, especially Young People tend to want to keep their own
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  money separate. Now this works until one person
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  stays home with kids and that case, you know, because the
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  people that say, okay, well, I make sixty percent and she makes
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  40 percent or vice versa and, you know, so that's how we split
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  all the bills. A that seems fairly onerous and
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  businesslike, which I will expand on.
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  But also like then what if one of you stays hope, then you get
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  0, you know, like how do you get that?
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  Yeah I mean then You would get zero percent of the bills, but
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  like, how would that be quote fair with in this previous
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  rubric, you know, with the entirety of the things still
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  cheap, you know, like what would it just be thrown out?
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  Like would it philosophically change, you know?
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  And then it would be joined money.
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  Like to me it's easier to start from the beginning and say, we
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  are married. So therefore, all money is
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  joined and decisions are made jointly.
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  And money is one of those things like sex where it's really never
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  about the thing. It's about what it represents
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  and They have a podcast episode literally called sex is not
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  about sex. Well, money is not about money
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  and really it's about intimacy closeness autonomy.
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  And and those, so, you know, when somebody wants to make
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  their own decisions on how they spend money frequently, they
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  like to make their own decisions in general and they have issues
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  with control and with being, you know, really very very
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  independent possibly to the detriment of the marriage.
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  So more, you know, They do what they want to do my way or the
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  highway, and they don't want to, you know, they don't want to
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  compromise. They don't want to hear the
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  other person's perspective. So that goes along with money
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  decisions and it goes along with everything.
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  And just like when somebody withhold sex it isn't just you
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  know I don't mean withhold because as I've discussed Ad
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  nauseam, you know, women don't experience desire, spontaneous,
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  desire within monogamy. So they're not really
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  withholding per se, but when they don't try to get into the
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  headspace for responsive desire to happen, Those are people who
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  also like to have their own money P.
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  There's people who just like to have their boundaries up and
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  they're more avoided people, and they like to be alone more than
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  they like to be together, you know.
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  And so generally, it seems that the more avoidant Partners want
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  to have separate money and the more preoccupied Partners want
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  to have all the money together. But also the thing is a
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  preoccupied with okay, so it's like this securely attached.
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  Each people, it's kind of like the money isn't really a big
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  deal if culturally or in their friend group or what have you,
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  people keep their money separate, then they do that.
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  If people merge, then they do that.
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  But it doesn't become this kind of hotbed of relational
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  dysfunction. The way that it does with
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  insecurely attached people with insecurely attached people, the
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  more avoidant Partners want to have separate money in separate,
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  fully separate decisions about money from eat from their own
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  money and within preoccupied people, they want to Control the
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  way that money is spect so they want to control how the other
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  person spends money too. So it's very similar to how all
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  of the attachment issues, go, right?
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  So preoccupied, people are more intrusive there.
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  More, they have fewer boundaries than they need to have.
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  They have more control, more jealousy, more wanting to
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  surveil, you know, surveillance on the partner and avoidant,
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  people want to have their separate lives too much.
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  To the point that it's like, why are you even in a relationship?
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  So my perspective, Of is that you hammer out the issues with
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  money early on and you have joint money, you know, because
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  if you divorce that money is going to be join.
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  Anyway, unless you had a prenup, which most people don't have and
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  their first marriage and any money that you earn within the
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  marriage is usually considered to be joint money.
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  Anyway. So the point is, I mean, why not
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  be vulnerable and, and have a joint account and act like
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  you're married. And by this, I mean, make joint
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  decisions about how money should be spent.
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  Especially if intimacy and closeness has been a major issue
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  in your relationship. Now, if there is a history of
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  one person, trying to control the other person's money.
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  Well then certainly, this, this can't work out, you know, and
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  you need to be talking to a therapist and probably a
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  financial advisor about, you know, what to do to have your
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  own money. Because this person keeps on,
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  you know, kind of trying to control you.
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  There's something called Financial abuse, you know, we're
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  somebody Rise to control with money.
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  I'm not really talking about that situation here.
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  I'm talking about more like my home, remember my my home
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  projects podcast home, renovations like one person
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  wants to renovate the kitchen and the other person thinks
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  that's a waste of money. Well, like how would you figure
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  that out? Well, the same way as you do
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  with any other decision, you know, when I talk a lot about
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  how giving and being generous and not having excessive
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  boundaries and preferences is really good for your marriage
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  and it's The opposition to a lot of today's rhetoric about, you
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  know, being completely independent and making, you
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  know, having your own preferences be like the number
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  one thing and you can never go past a boundary.
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  Well that doesn't really work when people have like a million
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  boundaries on things so you know, if you are somebody who
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  wants to go on a vacation and your spouse will never let you
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  go on a vacation, that's not a money issue.
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  That's at your spouse. Being a like, rigid person
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  issue. And if you're a person that
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  wants to go on endless, Options. Then that's not a money issue
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  per se, although that may be how it manifests, but it may be a
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  responsibility issue, you know, or a lack of financial Acumen.
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  It's symptomatic of a larger putting your head in the sand
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  about the realities of the world.
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  So generally, there are no issues that are just about sex
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  or just about money. If somebody is sexually,
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  generous they tend to be financially generous if somebody
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  sexually withholding, the tends to be financially withholding
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  and This is why I tell women all the time do marry somebody who's
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  cheap, you know, and so that doesn't mean that you need to
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  buy a. Have a man who's buying you
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  things all the time. It's like when you want to go to
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  a restaurant does he say no we can't go, it's too expensive.
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  You know because what that's going to turn into is that
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  you're going to be asking for piano lessons for your child and
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  he's going to say no, they're too expensive.
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  Let him learn from YouTube and you're not going to like that.
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  So and I see that happen a lot. And the reason I tell women to
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  do this more than men is because women are still not Not the
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  primary Breadwinner and frequently.
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  Stay home with kids more. So pragmatically you can be more
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  financially dependent, you know, in an ideal situation.
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  Nobody feels financially dependent.
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  If not a stay-at-home parent or the lower earner or anything
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  because it's known to be group, you know, joint money because
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  you're married. But you know in situations where
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  there is any sort of marital dysfunction and this frequently
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  plays out in withholding and arguments about money etcetera.
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  So what should you do if you continue to have these
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  arguments? What am I going to say?
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  Should go to couples counseling, but not only focused on money,
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  open your mind to the idea that money is where larger issues
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  about intimacy and interdependence play out.
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  There's no world in, which is just about money, like, there's
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  no world where it's just about sex is representative of a
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  larger ability to be closed or and to rely on one another,
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  there's trust issues. Now if you grew up And your
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  family fight about money and your mother saying your father
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  was controlling or cheap or your father saying that your mother
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  was overspending. Then you're obviously going to
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  come out of that with a lot of issues that you're probably.
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  If you think about it replicating right now, you know,
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  being like the man who's always upset that the woman,
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  overspends, or being the woman who feels constrained by the
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  man's cheapness, or you could be in the inverse situation.
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  But likely it's a variant you know likely the the the attitude
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  that you saw about money growing up.
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  Up is, what is permeated your current interactions about
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  money. Now, whether or not you are with
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  the same gender parent or you're like the opposite gender parent,
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  really, doesn't matter, you know, and for a lot of people
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  that grew up hearing about money all the time, money is like, a
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  big thing that they think about, and if you didn't grow up
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  hearing about money all the time, then this seems crazy that
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  people would have these big fights about money or think
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  about money all the time, but it is it's a big thing.
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  If you grew up in a household where people work, Constantly
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  talking about bills and money, and how much this cost and that
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  cost and whether we're keeping up with the Joneses or not or,
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  you know, then it becomes like a major way that you think about
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  the world. And I've recommended that you
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  guys listen to Fleischman is in trouble, not listen to rather
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  watch Hulu series and a major issue in the marriage of the
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  main character of Fleischmann and his wife was money and she
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  wanted more money than he did. And that was because she grew up
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  with less money than He did and among other things.
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  So you and your partner could use this podcast as a launching
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  off pad, you know, for a discussion about what money
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  means to each of you, what sharing and come England,
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  finances would mean to both of you.
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  How are decisions made about money?
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  And is it reflective of a power differential in the relationship
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  in general? Because usually the person who
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  holds all the cards and who has more power in the relationship,
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  also, makes the financial decisions and that may be Find
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  for somebody who's younger and less confident.
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  But as that other person gets older, they may resent.
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  You know, that that this other person makes all the financial
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  decisions even if at first that was something that they looked
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  for because they had their own self-esteem issues about ability
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  to navigate money. So that happens a lot.
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  And I have like, a post called eight reasons.
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  Women are scared of making money and women are frequently raised
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  to think that men should manage the money.
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  I know, I was raised to think that myself and it took until
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  later life and then I was like, oh, I can do this, you know.
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  And I feel a lot better when I do know, what the hell is going
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  on in our bank accounts and a lot of women, just completely,
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  see that control to their husbands and then later in life.
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  They're like, wait what? You know, a I don't know how
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  much money we even have and be. Why did I think that I couldn't
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  do this? Why did I think that?
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  I was not somehow smart enough to understand our financial
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  situation and maybe I wanted input into decisions and wanted
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  to make other decisions, you know, and so this can be a major
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  point of friction for couples as they mature.
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  If the woman wants to start taking over or being involved in
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  decisions, that previously had been considered by both to be
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  the sole purview of the man. And also, when a woman starts
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  making more money later in her career, she made then say.
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  Well, now I do want to know what's going on with the money
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  because before I didn't know, because I wasn't making any
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  money, I didn't care. But now I really, you know, want
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  to know what we're investing in or what, our long-term plans are
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  etcetera. Etc.
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  So in general. This could be a moment where you
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  sit down and you think are we really communicating?
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  Well, about money? Are we both happy with how we
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  are handling money? And if not what greater issues,
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  does this speak to in our relationship and our ability to
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  rely on one another trust one, another respect one.
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  Another is thoughts and decisions.
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  You know, is one of us kind of always kind of sending to the
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  others priorities and saying that that isn't worth spending
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  money on because that's a common thing and that is never Just
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  about money. Again, that's a more Global
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  issue about respect. So these are things that are
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  discussing couples counseling but never just by themselves,
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  they are discussed as representative of larger theme
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  attic concerns in the relationship and that is what
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  I'm encouraging you to do. Even if you DIY this
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  conversation without a counselor and you try to talk about it,
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  like why do we always fight so much about money?
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  What was money like in your family?
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  What were the discussions about money?
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  Like, who manage the money in your family?
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  What Were the discussions like about money and my family, and
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  who managed the money there at, you know, how is this the same
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  or different? How does it influence?
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  How did we change over time? You know, when we were young
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  versus now how has it changed over the course of our careers?
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  What are our values? How much money do we really want
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  to save and or versus spend? What do we want to show our
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  children in terms of how money is handled?
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  And how decisions about money and Global decisions?
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  Not just about money. Are handled within a marriage.
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  These are all really interesting.
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  These I could bring a couple much closer together if they are
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  open-minded and flexible enough to really get into, you know, a
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  deep discussion about it, which many people don't, you know, no
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  matter how much money they have or don't have they think of
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  money as a taboo subject, just like sex is frequently thought
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  of that way and much like sex, your marriage is going to
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  improve dramatically. If you can talk about money, you
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  know, because you got to talk about everything in your
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  marriage, everything that's important and money and sex are
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  both very important. All right.
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  I hope that this you found this interesting.
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  Interesting. And it gave you at least a
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  couple things to think about and please do subscribe because the
• 14:07
  next episode will be subscriber and I'll talk to you soon.
• 14:10
  Have a great day.