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The Day Hope Ends · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: In this episode, I want to talk about that final fateful day when the empath finally leaves.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Could be the first day of a month, first day of a week, or even the first day of a new year.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about that day in particular, the day the empath leaves.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to tell you something.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Most people get this completely wrong.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: They imagine that the empath leaves because of a single event.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they imagine that they leave because they're angry, because they become resentful, bitter, because somebody else came along because they gave up too easily.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: But in most cases, none of that's true.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is far more uncomfortable.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: The empath leaves because they finally realize that loving someone is not the same as being loved by them.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that realization changes everything.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: You see, by the time the empath leaves, they've usually spent years trying not to.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be many people who are hearing this who can identify with it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: They've spent years explaining, understanding, forgiving, justifying, playing the game.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Years telling themselves that the other person has had a difficult life.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Years telling themselves that things will improve, which of course is the food for the avoidant.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Years believing that if they can just find the right words, show enough patience, give enough understanding, love deeply enough that somehow things will change, but they don't.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not really.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or at least not in a lasting way.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: The same conversations happen, the same disappointments happen, the same emotional absences happen.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: The same patterns repeat themselves over and over again, and eventually, and often painfully, the empath realizes that they've spent years trying not to see that nothing is changing, nothing has changed, and that nothing is likely to change.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: In some ways, that's a frightening moment because for years the empath has been focused on saving the relationship, saving the other person who almost always presents themselves as being someone who can save themselves.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: They protect the other person, they understand the other person, but then suddenly they begin asking a different question.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a bit dangerous, but they ask nonetheless, what is this relationship doing to me?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not what happened ten years ago, not why the avoidant behaves the way they do, not what childhood wounds created this dynamic for them.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's it doing to me right now, today?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is often devastating.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: The empath discovers they're exhausted, not tired, exhausted.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: They dread calls from the avoidant.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: They try and protect themselves and don't really know why, but they're exhausted from carrying the conversations, the accountability, and exhausted from carrying the emotional labor, exhausted from carrying hope, exhausted from carrying a relationship that increasingly feels as though it rests entirely on their shoulders.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I remember a patient saying, I'm not just living my life, I'm living hers.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then they realize they've become the repair mechanism, the emotional engine, the bridge, the glue, the understanding, the patience, the forgiveness, the second chance, the third chance, the fiftieth chance.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then comes the realization that changes everything.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: If I stopped carrying this tomorrow, would there be anything left?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Terrifying question, because you already know the answer.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The empath slowly realizes that they are no longer participating in a relationship, they are sustaining one.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's a profound distance between those two things.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the first part that nobody wants to hear.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant doesn't see any of this happening.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Why should they?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: The empath rarely leaves loudly.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: They leave quietly, they don't argue, they don't complain, they don't explain, they don't fight, they don't ask.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict disappears.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Although it probably disappeared a while back.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant somehow assumes that everything's okay, but they're not.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're ending.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant mistakes silence for peace.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: The empath knows it is resignation.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the avoidant mistakes distance for stability, but the empath knows it is detachment.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidance makes acceptance for contentment.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the empath knows it is grief, because the grief began a long while before the relationship ended.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Long before the muck boxes are packed, long before the final conversation, long before the goodbye.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: The goodbye that says time for me to say goodbye.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the empath began the morning a while back.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: They've mourned the relationship they hoped for, mourning the future that they were encouraged to imagine.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Mourning the person they kept waiting for, mourning the years they spent believing things would become different.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then one day something inside them breaks.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not dramatically, not explosively, quietly, the hope died.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And when hope dies everything changes because hope was the thing that kept them there.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hope was the thing that justified the waiting.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hope was the thing that justified the loneliness.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hope was the thing that justified the sacrifice.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And hope was the thing that made all of it feel worthwhile.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Without hope, reality becomes impossible to avoid.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And reality says something very simple.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can't build a relationship with someone's potential.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can only build one with who they are.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: That is the day the empath finally understands something they should never have had to learn.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Love alone cannot heal somebody who refuses to face themselves.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It can't create accountability, vulnerability, or change.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Can be invited, supported, even encouraged, but love can't do it for them.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when the empath finally understands this, the decision is already made.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: The departure is just paperwork.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship ended when the hope ended.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, maybe even a couple of years beforehand.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: It ended when they stopped believing the next month would be different.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship ended when they realized they were giving parts of themselves away faster than they could replace them.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It ended when self-preservation finally became more important than loyalty.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So they leave.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is the truth about the day the empath leaves.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is not a day of anger, it is not a day of surrender.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's a surrender to reality.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: The reality that one person cannot carry two people.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: The reality that understanding someone does not obligate you to remain with them.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: The reality that compassion for another person should never require cruelty towards yourself.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the hardest truth of all, the empath doesn't leave because they stop loving.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: They leave because they finally started deciding not to die internally.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because the empath's suffering usually begins years before the relationship ends.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidance suffering often begins after it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: When the noise has stopped, when things go quiet, when the person who always stayed finally and resolutely doesn't.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Empaths do not seek retribution.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: They seek clarity.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: They seek boundaries and they seek honesty.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Empaths recover.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they call out what has happened.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not always, but sometimes.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you have found yourself in this kind of situation or if you're in it, please take comfort in these words.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: What has been done to you and what you have allowed to happen is not your fault.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You have been used.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: But believe me, there is a recovery.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And for every avoidant, there are people who are genuine and sincere.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: People who will meet you with honesty.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: People who will reciprocate.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is all about recovery, and in the next episodes, we will look exactly how that happens.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.