Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Men Get Anxious About When The Next Sexual Encounter Will Be

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When Men Get Anxious About When The Next Sexual Encounter Will Be · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about when men get
• 0:10
  anxious about their next sexual encounter and how that messes
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  with your sex life in general for both the man and the woman
• 0:18
  before that, please do subscribe.
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  cheaper. Slightly 499 a month anyway.
• 0:52
  So what are we talking about today?
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  So a lot of guys say that they get very anxious about when
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  their next encounter is going to be in this really fucks with
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  their current encounter because of, you don't know the next time
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  that you're To do something. You like you get really, really
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  crazy about making the most out of it.
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  And that when you're dealing with a partner is going to make
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  you very anxious. You're not into your experience.
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  Your kind of like you get. It could go one way or the other
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  either. You get obsessed with your own
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  enjoyment or you get obsessed with their enjoyment.
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  So a guy will kind of either become obsessed with being mr.
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  Lover lover that gives her the best time of her life and then
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  of course, he's going to get so anxious with all that pressure
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  that he's probably going to lose his erection or he's going to
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  not actually be very good in bed because he's she feels like he's
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  being fake or, you know, like dramatic or whatever or porn
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  like you know, or it's going to become obsessed with his own
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  pleasure and be selfish and try to get her to do a whole bunch
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  of things. The porn Montage sex because he
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  doesn't know when it's ever going to come again and you
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  could understand how this would be like if for example, you only
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  had let's say some horrible dramatic.
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  When you only had, you know, one day a month with your child, you
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  know, I mean there are situations like this, you know,
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  where people have supervised visitation and they have to be
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  supervised by a psychologist or something like that, and it's
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  terrible. You know, I mean, of course, of
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  course you did something terrible to get into that
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  situation. That goes without saying.
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  But, but anyway, also it's terrible.
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  Because the person is just so anxious, they're just so, so
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  anxious about Doing anything up and they wanted to have like
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  this good day. But but instead, there's only a
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  couple hours and they're like in a Shopping Mall food court or
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  something. It's like crazy.
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  It feels unnatural they and and this is somebody who actually
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  knows the next time that they're going to see their kid but it's
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  just like not enough and they don't really know because they
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  could fuck something up somehow or the kid could say they fucked
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  something up. So it's like a horrible sort of
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  situation. Everybody could think of that as
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  a horrible situation. So you just got to use your
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  empathic. Need to understand that to a guy
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  where this is like the only T gets love literally once a
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  month, he's not in a very different situation, you know,
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  and you personally met as a woman if you're listening.
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  Think that the parent-child bond should be stronger than the, you
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  know, then the bond between two adults.
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  I agree. Totally.
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  I mean, that's the same thing I say, is women always get their
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  kid out of a burning building before they get their husband
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  out. But that doesn't mean that the
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  man doesn't love his wife. As much as she loves the kids
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  and also that they shouldn't love each other.
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  You know. Of course they should love each
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  other. Nothing is as strong as the
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  mother-child bond. Many things are not but it's got
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  to be somewhere near there for you to have a loving marriage.
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  So the guy is only getting love in this situation like once a
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  month or something maybe every couple weeks maybe and he never
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  knows. He never knows when it's going
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  to happen. Unless of course, he's smart
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  enough to start tracking ovulation.
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  Then he knows when it's gonna happen but it's still only once
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  a month. So he gets like really obsessed
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  with making the most out of the situation, just like the person.
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  And that's a bad analogy I made where they only get that little
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  bit of time with their kid. And so this is like a sad
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  situation and a lot of women don't see it as a sad situation.
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  And that is because the guys don't say, it's a sad situation,
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  they just say that they're mad or they're irritated or they're
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  frustrated because those are more empowering emotions and
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  don't make you feel as weak and stupid and pathetic.
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  And unlovable as the other way. Does, you know, and men don't
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  like to feel vulnerable in those ways?
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  They don't like to say, man, I feel so sad and unloved all the
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  time because I'm like, you know, begging you for attention.
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  And for affection, that sounds pathetic.
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  Men are trained not to say things like that, but it doesn't
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  mean that that's not what they feel because it is.
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  So if you could see it like that, then perhaps you will be
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  open to my idea, which is scheduling sex, which really
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  works better for everybody. Now if you're a guy In the
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  situation but also your ego is too big to schedule sex.
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  Then you got really no use for this podcast because your ego is
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  so big that it's stopping. You it's sabotaging you so you
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  can't both want to and very few people that have listened to
• 5:20
  this Monday. On my podcast have this big of
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  an ego that's getting in their way but in case anybody does you
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  can't there's no free lunch can't have two things at once.
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  You can't have a woman have sex with you with in monogamy but
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  also she has to ask Act like it's outside of monogamy.
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  That's not real. So in monogamy it's not
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  spontaneous desire. I've hammered this home a lot.
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  It's going to be responsive desire.
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  She needs to know what's coming and one and get herself in the
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  head space for it. So you can pretend that it can
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  be something that it's not and and if you are that kind of guy,
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  she's not going to schedule sex. So what do I mean by this is a
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  lot of women say. Yeah, sure.
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  Let's schedule sex with guys like no, that's not spontaneous,
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  that's bullshit. We shouldn't have to do that.
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  It should be organic. Oh yeah.
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  Fuck you. You know, does that make any
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  sense? What is this?
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  Like, why don't you say that to your boss when your boss says,
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  why did you show up for the meeting?
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  You say ma'am. I think it's organic like I
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  should show up when I'm feeling you.
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  What I'm really passionate about it.
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  Then I should you know show up to the meeting.
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  You're going to be out on your ass from your job and so many of
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  them and I'm talking to are at the boss level and that's not
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  how you got there either. So it It's the same thing here.
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  You cannot have two things. You can't have a spontaneous
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  organic encounter, but also be in a monogamous long-term
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  multi-year relationship with an aging female.
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  You know. So I mean and and and to be an
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  aging man and also be in reality.
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  So anyway, the scheduling sex is a lot easier because most women
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  will do it on the weekend. If they love you, they'll do it
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  on the weekend because they really don't have much excuse on
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  the weekend, quite honestly, and they are much more relaxed.
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  So they'll even do it, maybe. Twice on the weekend, and then
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  maybe they'll even do it during the week, if they know which day
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  it's coming. So, that's the day that you can
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  put the kids to bed while they take a shower or whatever your
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  modus operandi is in this regard.
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  So, knowing that sex is coming is like a really big deal that
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  can make women feel a lot more in control of their environment.
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  And then the man feels more in control to because he knows.
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  All right. If I come too quick on
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  Wednesday, I know that I have a and a chance on Saturday and a
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  lot of this, by the way, the other anxiety happens when as
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  I've talked about a lot, it can't be all riding on the penis
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  and I have a podcast coming out with that.
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  Awesome title sued can all ride on the penis pun intended but if
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  everything is about intercourse and everything is about like the
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  five minutes of intercourse and he gets five minutes of
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  intercourse. Every like 2 weeks I mean, what
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  the fuck like do you do anything?
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  Like for only 5 minutes every two weeks.
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  The probably not probably not something that you like that
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  much. Like you don't like eat 45
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  minutes every two weeks. So anyway, the point being that
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  if everything is riding on the erection, he's gonna lose it.
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  As he gets older and he struggles with more depression
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  and less testosterone, he is. And you know what?
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  You're not as hot, right? Like I do.
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  None of us are every passing minute, you know, takes away
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  just a little bit of hotness on both sides.
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  Sighs. So you're not as hot, he's not
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  as hot, nobody's as young, the novelty isn't there.
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  And so expecting that he's going to magically, you know, get his
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  erection songs stimulation because many women don't even
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  touch it. And then he's going to really
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  knock your socks off for the full five to seven minutes.
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  He's allotted. And I mean, the this, it's like,
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  it's like a satire except that it's many people's lives.
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  So try to think about it. Like, oh my God, like actually,
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  that would be so Fucking stressful.
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  Like what if everything was riding God?
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  Like you being the exact right? Level of wet to give him an
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  orgasm and to make him enjoy himself so that he would ever
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  decide to do it again with you. That would be so much pressure.
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  You would probably have a panic attack, right and you would
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  never get wet. So it's the same thing for guys.
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  You know. So you if you want to actually
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  be a loving partner to a man that wants to have sex which is
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  all of them, mostly then you know, you got to say, all right
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  on. Unlike Wednesday and Saturday or
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  if you really want to kick it into high gear, as I spoke about
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  recently in a video seems like the couples that have sex three
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  times a week in my experience, as a couple's counselor, are the
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  happier ones because it's a few times, there's something magical
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  about having sex, a few times a week versus a couple or less.
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  So, let's say, you do it on, Wednesday friday-sunday, right?
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  There you go. You got your schedule.
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  So you do it on Wednesday, Friday Sunday.
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  So then, you know, he knows like, Okay, we do it, Wednesday
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  friday-sunday. Also, we do other things, too.
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  I'm able to give her an orgasm in other ways.
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  So, if I get anxious on Sunday, because we're not doing it again
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  till Wednesday, holy shit, I better, you know, perform
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  adequately. I always know that we could do
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  other things too, and it's not just riding on this straight up
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  intercourse for like, seven minutes, max.
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  That is very, very that. That's a lot of pressure.
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  It's a lot of pressure, and it's not enjoyable either.
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  But like, let's we have bigger fish to fry that enjoyable.
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  We're talking about what's anxiety-provoking after we fix
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  the anxiety-provoking that we could get to.
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  What's enjoyable? Which I talked about all the
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  time. There can be like, one way that
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  a woman gets off and it's from like no, foreplay, no touch.
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  Five minutes intercourse. Cool.
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  What is that? That's not a sex life that using
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  a man has a vibrator and or a dildo.
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  Really, and you know, you wouldn't like it.
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  If he said, the only way that we can have a sex life is that You
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  have to go down on me from five minutes.
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  No, foreplay, no, talking, I prefer.
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  No, you know, you to act this way and this way make these
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  sounds, that's the way that we can have our sex life.
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  No, that's not real. That that I don't know, any
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  woman that would say yes to that.
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  So therefore it's pretty much the same thing if you're just
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  like using his dick, which sounds so good, especially to
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  young men, you know. Oh my God, that would be
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  wonderful. Be somebody sex slave not when
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  the sex that you're enslaved to is shit.
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  You know, then it's not fun and I hear this constantly in my
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  sessions. So anyway, the point is
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  scheduling sex, as well as expanding this to include having
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  sex with more Dimensions than just straight up.
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  Five minutes of intercourse. Can really assuage the anxiety
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  that a man feels about when he's going to get to enjoy himself
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  because let's be real majority of us on average.
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  We're in our 40s, listening to this.
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  When do you have Daily dopamine Rush, do you have one every day?
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  Most people don't, you know, the kids are great, they do break,
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  that's all all joy and no fun as the Jennifer Senior book title
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  says, you know, and as they get older could be more fun as their
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  little, sometimes it's fun. But you know, it's more like,
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  big picture Joy than moment-to-moment Thrills.
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  And then you go to work, which can be deeply fulfilling yet is
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  not a passion Fest, you know, and that it's like, what do you
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  do? Eat dinner.
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  Watch a show for the majority of people, The Limited bit of magic
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  they have in their lives, is in the Romantic sphere,
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  particularly for men. And if women were able to see
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  this more, they would understand why the man becomes so obsessed
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  with the weekly or bi-weekly or hopefully multiple times a week
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  encounter. Because this is the only time in
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  the week that it really feels like he is his, he's like,
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  living his best life. Assuming that the sex is not
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  mechanical and Road and only last for five minutes.
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  So you know, you want to give somebody the opportunity to live
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  their best life and if you do not feel as the woman that you
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  are living your best life during sex, certainly train him how to
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  do more things and also train him how to give your life magic
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  and other regard like being romantic, you know because most
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  women, if they say, listen, I'm ready to schedule sex three
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  times a week. I'm ready to do it.
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  But you know what else? I really like you.
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  To schedule romance three times a week.
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  So I want to know that we're going out to dinner every
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  Friday. Do we have a standing babysitter
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  and that at least two times during the week we are going to
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  have like a deep conversation or you're going to say something
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  nice to me. I think that most men would be
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  like I'll try it. Yeah sure sounds good.
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  I want most men would be like yeah.
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  Fucking right? Yeah.
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  You're gonna have sex with me three times a week in my wildest
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  dreams. Yeah right.
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  Fuck you. I don't believe you is it April
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  1st today? But after they got over that
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  they would be I'll try it. So both of you should be trying
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  to bring magic into the other ones lives and to limit anxiety
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  because you know, women get the same thing if they only get one
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  date night a year then of course if it goes badly they're going
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  to feel like shit and that's why some men are like, why did she
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  pick a fight on date night? Well, how often do you go on
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  date night? Well, you know, every, I don't
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  know, a four to six months. What?
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  Because she hates you, you know because like you only go on date
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  night every four to six months. So she got so much expectation.
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  Built up. It's going to be the most
• 14:35
  magical night of her life. That the minute that you say,
• 14:38
  some dumb shit on date night, like, forget her friend's name,
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  that she's been talking about for six months at work.
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  Then she's going to be mad because she had all these hopes
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  riding on day night and, you know, nothing was nothing
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  happened. That was even remotely magical
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  and that's how men feel about the sex life.
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  And when a lot at, when people have a lot of stuff, riding on a
• 15:00
  lot of expectations, riding on scarce sorts of Experiences than
• 15:06
  shit hits the fan as you know, from having fights on date night
• 15:09
  or having fights about sex, or losing your erection or
• 15:11
  whatever. All right, I hope that this was
• 15:14
  interesting to you. Please do subscribe.
• 15:16
  Please do join my Facebook group.
• 15:17
  Please follow me on tick. Tock tick.
• 15:19
  Tock is a whole fucking different world, man.
• 15:21
  It's like the wild west. I get.
• 15:24
  It's like mostly like 25 year old dudes.
• 15:26
  But you know, is possibly the only place where a 25 year old
• 15:30
  dude is going to hear me talk about marriage which may burrow
• 15:34
  itself into his subconscious and stop him from making some
• 15:36
  terrible decisions. Anyway, nice to talk to you all
• 15:41
  in this non reciprocal, fashion. I recently learned a word
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  parasocial that people feel they're having a parasocial
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  relationship with podcasters because it's like, I'm talking
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  to you, but you, it's like, so it's like half of a
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  conversation, so that's interesting.
• 15:55
  Parasocial relationship hooped. Whoever told me that knows that
• 15:59
  they're getting a shout out right now and I will talk to
• 16:01
  everybody soon. Bye.