Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #60 Microdose on DBT's F.A.S.T. Skill: Keeping Your Self-Respect in Relationships

Transcript

#60 Microdose on DBT's F.A.S.T. Skill: Keeping Your Self-Respect in Relationships · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo and I'm Dr. Liz Seidler and you're listening to College is Fine. Everything's fine. All right We're gonna come back with a quick follow up to our microdose episode on give with its twin the fast skill so you know when it's sometimes will you'll hear Liz, me, or some of our guests might use some shorthand be like, oh, yeah, the give fast skill.So this is the second part of that and it's again an interpersonal skill all about how to build relationships while maintaining your boundaries. So, we had sort of prompted at the end of the last episode that the give part is something where you're really trying to hold on to relationships that are important to you and create stronger relationships.The fast skill is And why it's a twin is because it's trying to say at the same time, you want to make sure that you're not overdoing the give a lot of times people, if you've heard me say before, kind of set themselves on fire to keep others warm,and they're really good at the give part and might not be as strong in the fast part.Some people might be really good at the holding, setting boundaries and perhaps could have better closer relationships if they were a bit more gentle. So this is just something where now we're coming at you with part two and try to think a little bit about which one do you feel like is already kind of in your wheelhouse and could use some rebalancing.But with all that said, let's give you what the letters are. All right, our sweet little letters. We've got F, so fairness, be fair, being fair to yourself and the other person. So again, you don't want to only validate the other person's perspective. Your perspective is, is important too. So what are, what is your own perspective and try to see if there's a way or if the other person is also paying attention to what that is. Um, so. That's a bit more of that balancing act of, I want to hear them. Are they hearing me? Mm hmm.All right, let's move on to the a no apologies. , this is a really common problem I find with people that have anxiety, are really worried, let's say about their relationship status. But when we're practicing fast, we want to be mindful of not over apologizing. I think everyone probably has someone in their life that does this.And the reasoning behind this is you're really underestimating Your own self respect, that there is a reason why we all feel emotions or have reactions to things if we're really paid Paying attention to the A in fast We're not Really looking necessarily, let's say for a reason to apologize.Um, and we're also this is another big piece just in terms of we're not over apologizing with our language, but non verbally, we're not presenting as ashamed. And when I think of somebody that looks ashamed, you know, they're not making good eye contact. They might be looking down their body posture. Yes, their body posture is slumped. We really only want to appropriately apologize, so we're not over apologizing, but you're not also under apologizing. We only want to acknowledge what is valid. Okay,asking for something that you need or holding a boundary is nothing to apologize for., . So the S is stick to your values, and we've talked about values a ton here, and I know sometimes that isn't always really clear, you know, what, what value system you want to stick to, but you probably know in your own gut what kind of areas you need to stick to your guns and not be pulled.So a lot of times, and we had this come up, Actually, one of more recent episodes where someone said, I really value kindness. And that's something that my family really shared was being kind to others. And then I realized that I can also be kind to myself, that I can grow that value and be kind to myself. And I think that's really a great example of how to stick to your values and the fast skill is to say. Alright, in this moment, I don't think I can be kind to others and to myself at the same time. I need to say that being kind to myself can drive the conversation here, or if it's a conversation with a professor and you're feeling anxious about it because you don't know maybe what, what they're going to say, but you might have the value of achievement to say, okay, I really want to make sure that I'm achieving what I want out of this classroom and out of this class.So how do I. Stick to my value of achievement so I can push past some of the anxiety that I havelet's end with the T, being truthful. Now, sometimes it's effective to tell a white lie. Um, I'm what? I'm not promoting white lying, but I think that if we're if we're if we're practicing fast, um, and we're thinking about the tea, we want to be mindful of not kind of over exaggerating or giving excuses that are dishonest.So, and I think a lot of people do this to you. I don't know. Soften the blow in some way and are fearful of how the other person is going to react. Let's say when we set a boundary or we say no to something. Um, and I think that's when using give, right? There is a way to be truthful to someone in a gentle way,right? To say, Hey, like, I have a lot going on right now, and as much as I'd love to celebrate your birthday, right, these are the X, Y, and Z reasons why I can't do it, as opposed to saying, like, I'm coming down with an illness, because that seems to be the only way to get out of a social obligation, um, and I want to end on, I think this is the T, something that I've found, and I think we've all been in a situation that like, after we leave an interaction, we like have this icky feeling in our gut.We're like, Oh, like, why did I say yes to giving them like my. Math work, and they get to just copy it, and I put all that effort in, and then I'm going to be angry and resentful towards them, or, oh, like, I lied, and like, what if they find out that I lied, and they see that I'm doing this, then when I said I was doing that, um, that's a really good sign that like, icky feeling, that either for the future, you need to use FAST, right.and kind of challenge whatever worries have kind of come up that have gotten in the way of you being able to do it, or you can always Revise things, right?And kind of dial up the intensity of your fast, you know, kind of go back to someone and say like, Hey, I know I could help you, but I'm kind of thinking about it now. And I'm really over overbooked. Maybe another time. Um,I find when I start to because I can get that way to I'm like, I don't want to disappoint someone and I don't want them to think I don't care. And that's when I tend to perhaps over exaggerate or make I can feel it coming, youYeah, yeah.but I think the more you practice it and realize that people. You know, when you set a limit with someone else, it also shares with them.Oh, I could, I can set a limit to it. It gives them permission also to set a limit. It also, you'd be surprised how forgiving people can be. You know, I think a lot of times people are understanding if you need to set a limit and if they're not, that's a whole different episode,right.Just because someone doesn't always. React as well as you might like to a give or a fast conversation, um, or to you saying notice something that doesn't mean you've done something wrong. That might mean that they're overwhelmed or they're not used to getting. I know, um, so that's another thing to think about is you can try some of these things out and learn as you go and pay attention to the fact that the other person's reaction is out of your control, but you can still stick to your guns and find ways to stay true to yourself without bending over all sorts of ways to get out ofsomething or to ask someone to do something.right. And I know I gave you guys a question in, in give to kind of ask yourself if this is, um, a skill you need to use. Right? So give was really about how do I want the other person to feel about me when I leave this interaction? Fast is about how do I want to feel about myself when I leave this interaction in terms of maintaining our self respect?Mm hmm. Mm common problem I hear from with College students is issues with like low self esteem or self worth. And that this skill, I think, is really tied to that, right? That if we're acting in ways that really don't maintain our self respect, it really impacts our feelings of worthwhileness.Yeah. And if you're saying I'm not worthwhile, people will start to believe it after a while.Right.So you got to be the one to start the, to start that change.Okay.  You're going to hear Liz and I laughing because we just apologies in advance. We are both like exhausted, a littlesick and We're being truthful. yeah, We're being we're being truthful here. So if this is coming across a little, little hazy, at least you'll know why, but, um, all right, but hopefully we got enough out. So, while making a little bit of sense and that you can use two of these to, you know, um, feel proud of yourself and have, have strong relationships, which is what we want for all of you.So we will see you.Soon.back to you soon.  Thank you to our guests for sharing their stories and their advice. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students, so please reach out by text, email, or voice memo to collegesfindpodcast at gmail. com or 929 500 2231. Tell us your story, give us tips on topics you'd like to hear, or give us feedback about an episode.Follow us on Instagram at colleges find podcasts for episode announcements and resources. And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps us keep growing.