Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 11 - The Truth About Casual Sex No One Talks About
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. If you're new here, here I talk all things self-love, spirituality, and I share my path to self-development and really loving my life and loving who I am. No scripted intro, just me raw and vulnerable and doing what I feel called to do and sharing what I feel called to share so that I can help anyone who this episode and all the previous episodes find. So thank you for being here, and with that, today's Topic is going to be a juicy one, and it's one who which has been top of mind over the past couple of weeks, and it is celibacy. So just really abstaining from sex and intimacy. And the reason I bring that up is because I recently chose celibacy to protect my peace. And if you would have told me that I was going to do that earlier this year, right now we're in June, or sorry, we're in July. I wouldn't have believed it even in February. I was just very sexually driven. I've always been sexually driven. I've started when I reflect back on my previous relationships, most have started with physical and then have turned into something else. And I mean not always, of course, right? Sometimes jumping to the physical really just doesn't allow you to build a steady foundation and a partnership and I'll get into that later. But ultimately the reason that I bring this up because it really is an energy exchange. And I think that we have lost that in today's society. We view it as a hobby. We view it as a way that something that feels good, almost like a quick fix, like a drug. And so many of us are operating that way. We're we're just looking for that fun. And sure, it can be fun. It's exciting. With someone new, great. Especially someone you find a Attractive, it's there's an adrenaline rush. There's all these things that happen that just really make it so that it's addictive, it becomes addictive. And if you see, we have so many people running around just hooking up, and that's where we created hookup culture. And we think, as long as there's no emotions involved, it's harmless, right? Wrong. If you believe in energy exchange, that is the ultimate form of energy exchange. And so if you are sleeping with someone who's depressed, who's anxious, who's carrying the weight of so many different emotions that you're not even aware of guess who's gonna absorb that when they're intimate with them you so then you're carrying all this energy and you're sleeping around with all these people and your body is just holding all of it not only just your energy but now you have these other people's energies that are unprocessed and you're just like why do I feel like shit? Case in point you're sleeping around and I didn't want to hear this and a lot of people are probably gonna be like you know what nope don't want to hear that trust me that was me and I always I think that addiction is the best metaphor for this because Thank you. We all know a drug addiction is detrimental to our health. We know that a lot of the times people start it because it's fun and it feels good, and then it becomes a dependency, and then all of a sudden you don't feel normal without it. So when you think of sex, it's the same way. You're going and you're chasing this high, and every time you chase this high, it feels good in the moment, and then you're left not feeling great. And you're like, all right, where is my next source? I need to get my next supply. And then you realize that you're not really fulfilled. And so this episode is really going to filter through the people who are trying to do better. versus the ones that are just looking for that quick fix because this is going to translate to every area of your life. I think with the way that you view sex and intimacy really is a reflection of who you are as a person. And if you were just looking for cheap thrills and fun, then fine. But you're going to feel empty inside. And if you're okay with that and you're okay with continuing to just chase those highs so that you feel good for a little bit and then you have to chase the next supply then by all means do that. But trust me you're not going to live a fulfilled life. A fulfilled life comes with purpose and passion. So a couple of months ago, I met a friend. Actually, I met her in December. And again, we're now in July. So about seven months ago, I met a friend and she had told me, they say that sex is creative energy. You can channel that into creativity and it's the same thing. And I was like, okay, well, no, I'm not doing that. Let's get real. I want intimacy. And so I ignored it and I laughed about it, right? Because she would joke and say you can make bracelets or something. I'm like, I'm not making bracelets as an alternative to sex. That's wild. That's not gonna do the same thing. But What I realized is what she was trying to say is you can pour it into your passions and that'll fuel you in a much better way than just having recreational sex. And she was right. I decided to go heavy into podcasting and sharing my journey to self-love because if you follow me on social media or you follow my previous stories, I'd struggled with finding purpose in life. I'd struggled with depression, I'd struggled with ideations of just not even wanting to be here anymore. And when I started to really hone in on my project of finding other healers. To work with and finding people to interview for the podcast, I channeled all the energy that I was using towards meeting people for dating, intimacy, you name it, into this. And it has changed the trajectory of everything for the better. And I'm not gonna say that I don't miss it. Of course I do. But what I realized as I kept going and following my purpose and following the nudges is that the recreational sex wasn't doing it for me anymore. It wasn't and I wasn't going around sleeping with everybody, okay? I just wanna, you know, I'm no saying, but I was not just whatever. I would go on dates with people, I'd try to meet people so that I can get to that level. And then I realized that what I used to find enjoyable just wasn't enjoyable. I crave intimacy on a level that I I I can't find in surface level. Level connections anymore because I've done so much work on myself that I really need a potent connection with somebody, a deep connection beyond surface level, beyond just one deep talk. Because I can have a deep talk with almost anybody. I need a connection that I have not yet formed with any human, and until then, I am not going to enjoy sex on the level that I used to enjoy it. So, for better or for worse, yes, I can find somebody we can all find somebody to sleep with, but it's not going to bring me the fulfillment and the joy, and I not want to absorb anyone's energy, anyone that I don't know. I really want to be selective of who I allow within my orbit and especially on that level. So If you are feeling like you need to make an improvement when it comes to your energy sources, when it comes to the way that you feel, if you're feeling bogged down, if you're feeling heavy, I encourage you to take a step back if you are engaging in we'll call it casual sex. Because I promise you that's one of the keys. And if you're not ready to hear it, then you're not ready to hear it. But when you're ready, just know. I would have never thought. Never thought that I was going to be celibate. And I just keep following the nudges of my purpose and what brings me happiness. So maybe for you it's not something on the level of podcasting. Maybe for you it's delving into a hobby that you've thought about and you tell yourself that you don't have the time to do. But there I promise you, the more that you get to know yourself, the more that you follow those nudges, it'll become more clear. The path doesn't become clear by you sitting there and thinking about it. It becomes clear by Taking the steps. And I initially did not know this. And I thought, okay, well, I'm gonna come up with a plan and I will figure it out. Then I'll tell you, I started late last year with women's circles when I was amidst already a really tumultuous relationship, a toxic relationship. I was trying to hold women's circles centered around self-love, just as this podcast is, and cutting ties with toxic relationships. I was still in one, and it wasn't until I stopped one where I started podcasting with my friend, and then I started podcasting individually. and I thought I wanted to help women, but it turns out I want to help everybody. Everyone, anyone who feels called to the story that I have to share, I want to help. Because I do believe that we came to this earth to experience a healthy, fulfilling life, and only the people who are brave enough, who are strong enough to truly face their own shadows will experience that. So that's why I'm here. Facing your shadows is not easy, it's scary, it's ugly, sometimes it's sad. You have to feel feelings that are going to be less than desirable. But if you have the support and you have the people who have the vision and who show you that what to show you what you're capable of, then you'll get there. And you'll get to experience the other side. So, yes, it's going to suck to cut out casual sex, but the reward is so worth it. And think about how good it's going to feel when you meet somebody that's on your level, on your frequency. And when I say frequency, I mean someone who's also self-aware, someone who's also done the work, someone who's also faced their own shadows. Think of the quality of intimacy that's going to provide versus everyone else that you met on a dating app at a bar or wherever else. And I'm not knocking everybody that you meet on those things. But I think we can all agree that the vast majority of people that we meet at these places are surface level connections or people who are not looking for something deep. And I continue to see the general theme where people are like, nobody wants to date seriously anymore. Nobody this, nobody that stop using blanket statements. stop using blanket statements. And what I mean by blanket statements when you say all men are this, all women are this. Yada yada, you get the point. It's not true. It's not. I mean a thousand percent. You cannot say all people are anything and it be factual. There are exceptions to the rule. And the more that you focus on that, the more your reality is going to show you exactly what you're telling yourself. So be careful about your words. And yes, it is difficult. We were wired biologically to think worst-case scenario scenario. We were wired to think about the dangers for survival, but we don't need to be in survival mode anymore. This we are in a position now on this earth where you can actually thrive, where you have the position to thrive. If you're listening to this, you're in a position where you have opportunities presented to you, but you have to master your mindset. And And mastering your mindset is tough. It is. Because I still want to revert back to, okay, well, like, what am I doing? Who am I? Who am I? You know who I am? I am somebody who pulled myself out of depression by listening to myself. By listening to me. I tried the methods that people were telling me would work and they didn't work, and then I found ways to actually heal myself, and that does not mean I'm a perfect human, but it means I'm a self-aware human. I will always take accountability for my actions and I will never make excuses, especially if I hurt somebody's feelings. Yes, I will set boundaries, I won't hurt people intentionally, but I am self-aware and I vow to be the best person I can be, the best partner, the best employee, the best parent, you name it. I will always strive to do better, and that doesn't mean that I won't be happy with where I'm at now, but I will always acknowledge that there is. a a level that I can continue to move up. That's what we are as humans. As humans, we should never stop trying to level up. There is always an opportunity to level up. And that does not mean that you cannot be happy with the present. In fact, you should be happy with the present. Because that's how more blessings come to you. When you show gratitude for where you are while acknowledging that there is still room for forward movement. So all this ties back to casual sex and cheap thrills. Casual sex is a big one because I think that In this culture, as I mentioned previously, it's just become normalized. People are just like, ugh, whatever. It was just sex. It's just sex. Energy exchange. Arguab arguably the biggest energy exchange and the most vulnerable that you can have with another human being. So be careful of who you're having sex with. And in recent years, I honestly was less, I would say promiscuous. Not less promiscuous. I just I would really gravitate towards one particular person and I would keep that person so I wasn't g rotating and having sex with multiple people at one time. But I didn't really know what these people were doing and they were noncommittal. So I have no idea how many energies I absorbed. And who knows, I was probably still care you know what I'm not gonna say I was probably. I'm sure I was still carrying the energy of previous partners and I passed on that energy to that person as well. So think about it, we're just all mixing these energies of people who we're not even really familiar with or know their past. And we carry it. And thank God I've found people who do work with trapped energy because that has helped me a lot. And if you listen to the previous episode with Melissa, she does intuitive healing and I can tell you you guys, it's no bullshit. Okay, it is no bullshit. And if you're skeptical, I just encourage you to give maybe Reiki a try, but I I felt like I had something stuck in me because I had mentally processed so much. I'd mentally processed all my separations, my my parental wounds, all of it. But I just I was like, okay, so I know why this stuff happened. I know why these people came into my life. I'm grateful for them having come into my life. Even if things didn't work out in the way that I wanted to, but why do I still feel this heaviness when I think of this person? Why do I feel this sadness? And I I laugh because I still can't believe it. I s I sound like a crazy person. But I did one session with her and she was able to get to the root of it and bam. I don't feel the weight anymore. I don't feel the sadness that I felt. I feel nothing but appreciation for the time and the lessons. I'm being a hundred percent authentic right now. I feel nothing but appreciation. And when I speak to some people, if you're a skeptic, that's okay. Maybe just give it a shot out of curiosity. I was talking to somebody, I talk to a lot of people. So I butcher things and I don't always remember who exactly told me some you know, it is what it is. I try. I did my best. And also I'm ADD and I drink too much caffeine. We can go off on a tangent there. But I was speaking to somebody and she said she was skeptical of Reiki and she did it because she had a hip problem, I think. And it was a lingering one. I think she had tried different modalities and then she did Reiki and it worked. And then she started believing. You know what? It was my friend. My friend told me the story. So it was a story that she had heard from somebody on a podcast. So anyway When I share these things it's never to convince people. I share so that if you're curious, you give it a shot. 'Cause what's worse that's gonna happen if you give it a shot. I mean, yeah, you could think, okay, like it's money. Think of all the things that you spent money on that were just kind of a waste, right? I don't know, like a drink could be twenty bucks depending on where you go, especially if you're in California, especially if you're in San Diego. So why not give these things a shot? Especially if it's about your well-being. And there are an endless amount of alternative healing modalities. And if you're a little woo and spiritual, which if you're listening, I'd imagine you are, the possibilities are endless. And I always say I've tried a lot of modalities, and some of them I'm like, mmm, I don't know about that one, or I don't know about that person, but it's worth giving a shot. And so All this trapped energy, whatever it was that I had from previous partners and previous experiences, it's gone. And I am going to be so intentional about who I allow around me and who I allow inside me. I'm sorry, there's no other way to say it. And I am not this like all pure being. If you guys know me, I am led with sex. I've been lustful. That was my primary motive, especially after divorce. I was like, hell yeah, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna have sex. And I wanted love. I wanted deeply love and commitment and all of it. But I was not being the human that was capable of holding something like that. So here I am. That doesn't mean I don't have the desire. And I'm in this phase too. I shared something on TikTok where it's very difficult when you yearn for that intimacy and that affection, but there's nobody that you want to share it with because you don't know that person yet. So you're in this space where you're like, all right, I really want to have sex, but there's nobody that would fill that void for me because I'm not on that level with anybody yet. And so what I do is I channel it into creativity. I know it sounds wild, you're like, I don't want to be. Creative, I want to have sex. I promise you, there is something that you can do that isn't going to replace it, but it's at least going to put your energy towards something for a greater cause, whether that's for you, whether that's for other people. And then you raise your vibrational frequency at a level that you can match someone who's like you. And that does that mean that it happens right away? No. I mean it hasn't happened for me yet, but I have faith. I know. I know I'm going to meet somebody that I'll have sex with again. Let's get real. It'll be crazy to think that I'm not. But I'm going to be selective. Because I care about my energy. I care about what I'm putting in my body and always. I could work on the energy drinks and maybe not drinking those, but that's another. You know, like I said, there are always ways that we can improve. I don't know if I'll ever get to that point, but for now we're talking about sex. Be selective of who you allow in your body, around your body, all of it. Because not everyone is going to be self-reflective, not everyone is going to have good intentions. And if you are someone listening to this, you are on a self-development journey, and this is going to be one of the biggest steps that you can possibly take: is protecting your energy. Protect your energy, protect your body. And watch how your life unfolds. And it's not gonna happen overnight. If you're like me, you want overnight everything. Overnight this. I want I want like quick things. I want everything fast. I mean in this day and age we all want everything fast. But some things aren't gonna come fast. Slowly start making the steps to cut things off. And it's going to happen. Maybe it doesn't start with sex. Maybe you're just toying with it now. You don't have to stop right away. But just think about it. Think about it and see how you feel afterwards. I'm sorry this is getting super, super personal, but I just want you to think. Is this worth me feeling a certain way? Is the moment of gratification worth the long-term effects? And if it is, then okay, by all means, do you. But if it's not, think about cutting it out. Think of where you can channel that energy. Think of where you can spend your time. I used to spend all my free time out with men. With men who were not choosing me, trying to find a man. I was on dating apps, I was going out with friends, putting myself in positions where I could meet men, and don't get me wrong, I think you should still go out and put yourself in positions where you can meet people, of course. But not with that being the primary motive. That should be, you know, if you meet someone a plus. But go to a networking event. Go to I don't know, if you're interested in surfing, go surfing. If you're interested in I'll say pickleball because everyone loves pickleball right now, go go play pickleball. But don't be bummed if you don't meet somebody. Because then you're putting yourself in that desktop. Desperate energy mode. Desperation, trust, it is we all know that you can sense desperation from a mile away, and ain't nobody want that. Nobody wants that. So you're either either one gonna attract someone as desperate as you, or you're gonna attract somebody who feeds off of your desperation and knows that they can get away with whatever, and you're still gonna stick around. So here we're about focusing on ourselves, focusing on our purpose. What is it that you want to accomplish? If you've already accomplished what you want to on a career level, so maybe it's trying something new, maybe it's Maybe it's going out doing something, maybe it's finding new a new friend group. Maybe it's putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation and just seeing where that goes, whatever that uncomfortable situation is. When I think of that, I think of like I had a friend who wanted to improve her public speaking skills and she was thinking of going to a workshop where they would do that. Go do it. Because Your progress is going to live in that uncomfortable space. That space where you do something where you're like, that shit's terrifying. That's where you develop. Things are terrifying and they sh especially when it's something that we know is going to be for the better, it's terrifying. You don't know how it's going to work out. But you are not going to get to where you want to be if you're not willing to face the things that are terrifying. I know this firsthand. And I continue to say I hated speaking publicly. I lived in the shadows, and here I am putting a podcast out there that is searchable by anyone. Anyone can find it. My boss can find it. My high school friends, my elementary school friends, which I think some of them have, and that's okay. Now can I speak in a room comfortably like this? Maybe not, but I'll try it. I have tried it. I went on a mic and I talked about trying to find other healers so that I can bring them to the forefront of this podcast. I would have never, never in a million years, you guys. Never. But these were the necessary steps that I needed to pull myself out of depression. To pull myself out of self-loathing. To be this person that I am now, which I don't know why that makes me want to cry, because I sincerely want this for anyone who is listening because I'm not cry these are happy tears, you guys. I am unrec recognizable in the best way, and you can be too. Because I would have never. I can't tell you guys how much I begged to not be here. And now I just beg for this to find the people that feel that same way. And you're gonna have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions, but find the people that support you. I mean you found me. I'll support you. I have my contact information. You know how to find me on social media. I try to be responsive. I am not here for popularity. I am not here for virality. I'm here for impact. I'm here to find those people that were me six months ago, seven months ago. I think at this point it might have been closer to seven or eight months ago. But either way, you get the point. So all this to say, I got really emotional, but stop sipping around is is the point of this episode. Don't be that person. Or you can be that person and just understand the impact that it will have on your life and the general effect, because yes, we think it's just for fun's use, but is it? Is it? I used to tell myself that with sex, alcohol, you name it. Cheap thrills. Just sit there and if you're into journaling, maybe journal. If you're into voice noting, maybe voice note, or just sit in contemplation for ten minutes and think, what are some of the things that I do that provide instant gratification that don't help me long term? And just see what changes you can make. Thank you all so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with someone who may resonate with it. If you could rate the podcast, that would do tremendously. Again, my goal is to reach the right souls. I have my Instagram and TikTok in the show notes as well, and my email, feel free to reach out to me. I am super excited to continue to share my voice and for it to reach the right souls. So again, thank you for being here, and I will see you guys next Thursday.