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Great Sex Start with a Good Conversation with Dr. Tara · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hey everyone, welcome to this
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week's episode of The King Consultant.
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I am delighted to be joined by Doctor Tara who.
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I had the pleasure of being on her podcast Love Bites earlier
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this year, and now I am honored to have her on mine.
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Welcome, Tara. Hello, so excited to be here The
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King Consultant. I'm so excited to have you on.
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I had a ton of fun recording with you.
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I'm not just saying it. I think I told you this.
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It was one of my highlights of my year.
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Oh, I love that. Yeah.
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That episode was so brilliant and it's doing so well.
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Lots of people find it really helpful and everyone's watching.
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There's a lot of views on YouTube, so definitely want the
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listeners here to go watch it because Amanda, the King
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consultant, she has dropped so many gems.
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Oh. Thank you.
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I know we threw some real stuff on that episode, right?
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Yeah. Like yeah, we went everywhere
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from diaper to pee to poop everywhere.
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Yeah, all things king. But that's the thing, like
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normalizing these things and helping people feel less
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shameful is so important. And I think that's like the
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Lord's work and you're doing important things.
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And I'm just so excited to be able to come on your podcast as
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well. You are equally doing important
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things at a very high level, front and center stage.
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Today we're going to talk about the book that you just released
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this year, your work as a professor, and even some TV work
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you've done over the past few years.
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Lots of interesting things going on.
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So it's really, thank you so much for saying that.
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It means a lot coming from you of.
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Course, yeah, I notice like all the things that you do.
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Oh, you're so sweet. So, Doctor Tara, you are a
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tenured professor of relational sexual communication.
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What are you teaching? What falls under that?
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Yeah, that's so funny. Actually my textbook is right
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here, the one that we use in the university.
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Oh my God. Sexual communication research in
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action and I co-author you can see my long last name.
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I co-authored it with two other professors and it's now being
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used in various universities in the United States.
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But basically the class that I teach at Cal State Fullerton
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encompasses sex from early age till sex when you're aging.
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So you know from the beginning of sexuality.
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We teach anatomy and terminology of everything, and then we go
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into your sexual debut, which is when you lose your virginity.
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But we don't use that term anymore because it has a
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negative connotation. You're not really losing
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anything, you're gaining. So we call it sexual debut.
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We. Love that this is the.
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First like. Hearing that.
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Yeah. So in technology, when we teach
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it in the university, we call it sexual debut.
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When was your sexual debut the first time you had sex?
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So we teach that concept research around it and up until
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dating and being in a relationship and sexual
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communication in that go into micro and macro communication
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and sexual communication and aging for women, there will be
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like perimenopausal time, menopausal time, like what's
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happening in the body. How do you communicate these
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things? And also men experiencing
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erectile dysfunction basically from the start of life to the
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end of life and the sex and relational things that happens
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in between. Oh my God, thank God this
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exists. I know, yeah, it's a very
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popular class, but I'm surprised not every university offers it.
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I am. I'm both surprised and not
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surprised because no, right, it's forward thinking, but
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there's not one person who's going to listen to this and
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think, oh, that's not necessary. That's extremely important
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information. It's like the guidebook to life
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that you're not getting. Exactly.
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It's like I want someone to teach me this class and how to
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do taxes. Yes, real shit, you know.
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I know I would say I was a naturally good person when it
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came to sex and sexuality. I had a very open minded mother
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who was very openly communicated.
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I was so lucky. Do you know she was on my
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podcast earlier this year? That's how lucky I am.
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She did a great job but taxes money.
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I have 0 comfort with anything to do with that.
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You're right. That's why I have a tax
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consultant. But that's the thing, the
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hardest things to talk about in life is sex and money.
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And you're really? Master one, the other one is
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still there that you have to master.
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Isn't it really funny? And you're shamed in both
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instances if you're not good with money, if you're not good
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at sex, if you don't walk that line perfectly.
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Especially on the sex side, there is a lot of societal shame
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in the work we do trying to peel away.
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That's why we're always censored.
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Oh my God, I was thinking about that.
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Yeah, censorship is insane and even though I do get good
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exposure and people always ask me how do you do that, I still
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get censored. There are videos that get
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deleted. I just put out so much that
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maybe people don't notice. Yeah, but I play the volume game
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when I make sex positive content because I know that 1/3 of that
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will be deleted. Wow, that's how censored you all
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that's. Yeah, I'm super censored.
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People just don't notice because I do put out a lot.
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Of you put out a ton of content, you're doing really well on the
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quantity, game and quality. I love social media because it's
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such a quick way to feel good about sexuality, and if I can be
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that reminder for people through like a 32nd video, I'm down for.
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It Oh my God, you're renewing my love for social media a little
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bit because I'm in a love hate situation with it at the moment.
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You're right, it just because we're shadow band at times
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doesn't mean it's not being helpful and not fun.
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It is. If it positively effects 5
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people that day, I'm good. Damn heavy but true and need to
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get back out there. Yes.
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So your work spans basically all of sexuality?
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The university course, it's geared towards communication,
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each of those step in life and what happens in your sex life,
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what is the communication function in it?
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So it's like geared towards communication at every step of
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your sexual and relational life. And I think my work also
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surrounds that because I wouldn't say I'm an expert on
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all things sex. Obviously there's so many things
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I don't know a lot of king stuff I don't know, Tantra, tantric
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sex, I don't know much about it at all.
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And then there's the whole world of fetish and BDSM.
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All of those things I don't know much about.
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But when it comes to sexual communication and the social
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scientific research in how to have a great sex life, what
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aspects to think of when it comes to taking care of your
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sexual Wellness. How do you make sure that you
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feel sexually satisfied in a really relationship?
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I have all those tools, just not particularly with the king or
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the deep topics of those things. But on my podcast, I love
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talking to people like you and other experts that are more
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specific on things. I recently had a cock holding
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couple on my show talking specifically about their cock
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holding journey, and I always find that so fascinating because
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I only know about it through my academic lens.
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Yeah, people who actually do it have so much more knowledge.
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Oh, it is an actual fact. When you do it, you go.
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But even for me, I know I call myself the kink consultant, but
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it's impossible to know every kink fetish and understand it
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thoroughly. It's through talking to people.
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And I do the same thing on this podcast.
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I invite people who live a very specific lifestyle or have a
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very specific fetish to talk about it more openly.
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Anyone who is listening needs to check out Doctor Tara's podcast,
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Love Bites. That's luv Bites, as opposed to
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how you probably imagined it being spelled because you have
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such interesting guests. And my favorite thing is you go
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there with every question. If a question pops into your
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mind, it's getting asked. And yeah, the questions we all
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want to know. Yeah, my brand is say what the
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fuck ever. Yes, OK, but that's perfect
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because you are the sexual communication guru.
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Yeah. And that's the thing, my opinion
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on this is if you're coming from a place of curiosity and you
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have an open line of communication, that's the best
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foundation. Yeah.
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Would you agree with that? Like I'm speaking to the expert
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now. Totally.
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Yeah, everybody knows how important communication is, but
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in every relation, relationship and every personal development,
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there's a lot of prerequisites. Speaking like a professor, there
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are a lot of prerequisites. In order to be a competent
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communicator, if you're dating someone, that relationship,
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First off, needs to be safe. There needs to be emotional
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intimacy. There needs to be the feeling of
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safety that whatever you say is not going to be poorly perceived
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or judged. There needs to be consistency.
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You need to be able to trust your partner that this is a
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consistent partner. There are so many things that
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need to happen in the relationship with someone you're
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dating in order for you to be a good communicator.
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Yes. Yeah, these things are needed as
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well. It's easy for experts or gurus
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out there to say you gotta communicate more.
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I think everybody knows that. But here's the thing, Every
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relationship needs these prerequisites, and that's why
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you have to also work on these things simultaneously.
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If you don't have emotional safety and closeness in the
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relationship and trust that you won't be judged, then you're not
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gonna say anything. I get it.
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I won't say anything either. I know the fear of judgment is
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huge, one of the biggest deterrence from people being
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more open. Do you have any recommendations
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on how people can establish better safety in their
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relationship? I would safety, I would say read
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my book How do you like it? A guide for getting what you
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want in bed. Here's the thing, establishing
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emotional safety is one of the most important things in a
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relationship. But at the same time, you have
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to have some more information and knowledge on how to be in a
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relationship. And that's why gaining more
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information through listening to podcasts, reading articles,
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reading a book, How Do You Like it or any other book out there
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that's written by credible sources, all of these things
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helps you feel more confident. And the more confident you feel
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because you have the language, you have the knowledge, the more
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confident you feel, the more likely you're going to be able
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to communicate the needs for emotional safety and to express
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yourself in ways that provide safety to your partner.
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You have to have more information.
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I think people were thrown into romantic relationships when
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we're 15. We're like, yeah, the hormones
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are running and we're horny and we just want to date.
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Like, we want to get together. Yeah.
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But nobody has ever been taught anything related to how to be in
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a romantic relationship, what to say, how to show up.
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What does your partner need from you?
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You don't know. And that's why I wrote this
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book. It covers everything in the more
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foundational way. It's not in depth about
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anything, but it covers everything in a more
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foundational way. If you're curious about what am
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I missing in a romantic relationship or if I'm dating,
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when you read my book, you'll understand all the different
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aspects of the things that you need and how to do them.
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It's just not digging deep into anything.
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For example, I talk about how to practice light BDSM at home and
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what BDSM stands, for example, but I don't talk about the deep
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experiences of them because that's not what the book is
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about. The book is a foundational book
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that surveys all topics in sex and relationships.
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I love that because people need to start with the foundations,
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even in the work I do. I mean a lot of people.
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And it's like, oh, you're struggling with some of even the
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basic communication about sex in the 1st place.
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And I do view BDSM and you can do it at a beginner level, but
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you need that foundation of communication.
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So it's super important to have that.
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OK, but. Talking about emotional safety,
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I think the most important thing that you can do for your partner
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is whenever they express something, don't give any sort
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of hint of judgment. No judgment whatsoever.
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Let's say your partner is voicing a concern.
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I just don't feel that much In Sync with you.
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I feel a bit disconnected with you for the last few days.
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Instead of being defensive, like why?
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Why would you think that? Instead of saying that go, I
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hear you, I'm here with you and let's make you feel better.
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What can we do to make you feel better?
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That's all you need to do. People need to understand that
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you're in this together. It's teamwork, it's group
11:43
project. And instead of defending like,
11:46
why, what's wrong? What did I do?
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It's not about you. They don't feel good.
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Just say I'm sorry you're not feeling good.
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I'm here with you, I'm listening to you.
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What can we do? That's all you have to do and
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that's providing emotional safety.
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Overtime, that type of response, the openness and the
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understanding and the empathy, it creates a lot of emotional
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safety. And I think we can all do that
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better. Amen.
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To that, it's what we all want. We just want to be heard and
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accepted. Yeah, men and women, no one to
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go into fix it mode immediately. It's being held in a space where
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you're able to share. Emotions it's natural to view
12:20
this as something that women need, but men need it to
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absolutely probably need it more because they were raised by
12:26
parents or guardian that told them to men up.
12:29
Don't show your emotions, don't cry, don't be a Sissy.
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It's just so much negative emotional reaction feedback for
12:37
men so that men just couldn't show emotions in a healthy way
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for a long time. But now I know that there's a
12:43
lot more podcasts and books and people talking about how men
12:47
should show more emotions and it's healthy and emotional
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intelligence is really important.
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Giving them space too. Sometimes my husband will talk
12:54
about something that he's concerned about and he will cry
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instead of saying things like, oh, don't cry because even if
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you mean well, yeah, if your words are don't cry.
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Why? Why?
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What's wrong? What's wrong with crying?
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There's nothing wrong with crying.
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Crying is great. It's an emotional expression.
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So even things like that, it gives negative subliminal
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messages to your male partner that they shouldn't be doing
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this and that this is perceived negatively.
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So even if you mean well and say, oh, no, don't cry.
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It's bad. It's bad.
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Like, it's bad communication. When you actually want to do is
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I'm here, babe, try it out. Talk to me.
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And what can I help? How can I help?
13:30
What can I do? Yeah.
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14:08
Yeah, OK. I'm letting that land because I
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will admit to it, sometimes defensiveness is my first thing
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because I'm like, it's my fault. I need to fix it.
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Yeah. And that's an important part of
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it. You hear something, you feel a
14:19
certain way, take a deep breath and just remind yourself this
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isn't all about me. Even if it's a little bit about
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you, it's not. Yeah.
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You got to make space for that other person's emotions.
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I love hearing this from you. I've literally having a moment
14:30
right now. I'm so lucky I get to talk to
14:32
all of these interesting people on the podcast.
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I love that. I think gratitude is really
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important too in a relationship. What you just said, that's the
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feeling of gratitude. I try to feel that consciously
14:42
every day Now I get to be with Amanda the King consultant for
14:45
the next hour. I'm so grateful.
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And in a relationship to when you look at your partner or
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someone you're just starting to date, you look at them.
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You want to feel grateful if you look at them and you feel
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annoyed or if you feel tense, or if you feel like, oh, not again,
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that's time to reevaluate if that's a good relationship for
15:03
you or if you need to have a big conversation to change that.
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Because when you look at your partner, you should feel
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grateful. Oh.
15:09
Damn, that's heavy stuff because you're basically saying these
15:13
are the moments that if you're not feeling that you need to
15:15
look at the whole relationship. Yeah, I've had clients that say
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sometimes my husband walks in the room and my body literally
15:22
tenses up. I'm like whoa, that is not good.
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I definitely felt that way about my ex fiance.
15:28
Sometimes I'd be like, it's the weekend over so we can just go
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back to work and it was your. Fiance too, it's so hard.
15:34
Sometimes when you're in it to know how unhappy you are until
15:37
you're out of it. Because we're almost programmed
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to think it's normal. As long as society says it's
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normal, 10%. You bought the house.
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You're engaged. This is what your life is
15:46
supposed to be. Yeah, you're successful 100%
15:50
that. It's like, oh, you've done it
15:51
and it doesn't matter. If it doesn't feel good, then
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it's just you not appreciating what you have as opposed to
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thinking maybe this isn't what I wanted in the 1st place, you
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know? Exactly.
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I'm currently on my second husband.
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We love second. Husband, thank you.
16:03
Thank you. The first one was a trial.
16:05
But when I was married to my first husband, he was a
16:09
wonderful man. We were not compatible.
16:11
And sometimes when I come home, I'll feel a little pit in my
16:15
stomach. It's nothing against him per SE,
16:18
because he's a great person. We're just not compatible.
16:21
But then I try really hard to be in it.
16:23
So we were together three years, but after a year and a half,
16:25
there were so many signs. And I talk about this thoroughly
16:28
in my book because in the book I also use myself as an example
16:31
because I've made so many mistakes.
16:33
So it's like a good example on the struggles that people go
16:36
through because I have gone through them.
16:38
And then how to come out on the other side.
16:39
But I felt like I was always walking on egg shells a bit
16:42
because I will say something and then he'll be a bit defensive
16:45
because he probably feels my body is disconnecting from him.
16:49
And people are scared when you love your partner so much but
16:53
they are disconnecting from you. You just try to do anything and
16:56
sometimes it comes off as toxic. I think he felt me disconnected,
17:00
so he was trying really hard and it's obviously not working.
17:03
And at the end of the day, we had to end the relationship and
17:07
got a divorce. And that was like one of the
17:08
hardest things I've ever done in my whole life.
17:11
I cried every day for two weeks. I felt so much shame because
17:15
where I'm from, I'm originally from Thailand.
17:18
Where are you from? Are you from Vegas?
17:19
No, I'm. From Pennsylvania, but I grew up
17:21
in Ireland with my mom and my mom's Irish.
17:24
I grew up in Ireland from the age of 11 to 24, moved to New
17:27
York for over 10 years and then just moved to Vegas two years
17:30
ago. In different places?
17:34
Yeah, different places. And then culture.
17:36
My dad's from Iran, my mom's from Ireland, so I was first
17:39
generation American. But a lot of different cultural
17:41
things around ideals and relationships and what you're
17:44
supposed to want. Oh.
17:45
Yeah, both Irish and Iranian don't get a divorce.
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Yeah, no, 100% even. Yeah, divorced in Ireland.
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Until recently it was extremely difficult for me going.
17:54
Through that and also being a professor that teaches about
17:58
healthy sexual community relationship satisfaction.
18:02
But yet here I am in a failed marriage.
18:04
Huge shame. I worked really hard to overcome
18:07
all of that but now I am so grateful that I've gone through
18:10
divorce because now I can relate to millions of people literally
18:14
divorce rate is 50%. So I can relate to millions of
18:17
people that have gone through it and are now like Oh my God, how
18:19
do I feel more confident in dating?
18:21
How do I communicate about sex now after I divorce?
18:24
Like I talk about all of that in my book.
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If you have never gone through divorce, you have no idea the
18:28
complexity of feelings. When you go through divorce
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because you feel hate, you feel angry, You also feel sad.
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You also feel a little bit pathetic.
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You also feel really happy and liberated and free, but you also
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then feel sad again and depressed, and then you also
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feel really excited. It's a crazy time right after
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you get a divorce. I would say three to six months.
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It's like a really crazy time mentally.
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So I eloped. When I was 20 and have my own
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divorce story from that. But it's my God.
18:54
I'm gonna tell you what's different.
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We broke up. I say this because we didn't
18:58
align on the king side. He would completely vanilla and
19:01
I wasn't a great guy. No issue with him, but I was a
19:03
lot younger. I was so young and I'm grateful
19:06
I was so young. But I think that as an adult, my
19:08
ex fiance, they had been dating for seven years before we broke
19:11
up and I'm actually really grateful.
19:13
We didn't do a big wedding or any type of wedding in front of
19:15
people and then have to get the government involved.
19:18
It was enough to sell our house together.
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I cannot even imagine the extra work of actual divorce paperwork
19:23
and lawyers. We didn't need lawyers to sell a
19:24
house, we just sold it. There's so many added layers, I
19:27
think from the outside of what a divorce must be like.
19:30
And then, yeah, I can relate. Just going through a breakup and
19:33
being the king consultant and it's like, oh, we're supposed to
19:36
listen to you for advice. There's a lot of in that.
19:39
Exactly. Yeah.
19:40
And now with my husband, I literally use all of the tools
19:44
that I had but did not use with my first husband.
19:47
When we first met, I told him the hardest two things to talk
19:51
about, money and sex. I immediately had the question
19:53
of #1 The way I grew up in Thailand is my dad is a provider
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and he takes care of the family, and that's what I'm looking for.
20:01
So I first I'll talk about money and how that works if you're
20:04
dating me and if we're getting married.
20:05
I love this. Only dating a.
20:07
Provider #2 sex. I'm naturally a non monogamous
20:10
person so I want to practice ethical non monogamy and
20:14
whatever it looks like for us. We can talk about the boundaries
20:17
or what we want to explore, but I will never be monogamous.
20:21
I am a non monogamous person, maybe polyamorous.
20:24
It depends on who I'm with, but basically that's the relational
20:27
and sexual structure that I'm interested.
20:29
So I put that out there. The hardest things, sex and
20:32
money, this is my stance. And here we are six years later.
20:35
He loves me for who I am. He actually really loved that.
20:38
I communicated all of that on the first date because he's
20:40
like, OK, now I know what you're about, what you stand for.
20:44
I know what I stand for. I can step up to that place.
20:47
Yeah. Yeah.
20:48
Happy ever since. Did you tell?
20:50
Other people you were dating on the first date or did you see
20:52
something in him where you were like, this is someone I want to
20:54
be with, so I'm going to be open with him?
20:57
I saw something. OK, that.
20:58
Makes a lot. Yeah, he is very open minded.
21:01
He used to be a dentist and he quitted completely to pursue
21:04
art. He's now an oil painter and I've
21:06
seen. From your Instagram that
21:08
sometimes you share when you go to an opening.
21:10
He has beautiful art. Thank you.
21:12
You both are quite. Creative then yeah, some people
21:15
might not think social media is creative.
21:16
I think it's very creative. I love your content there, but
21:19
it's very creative. It needs a lot of creativity to
21:22
be interesting and engaging. Engaging.
21:25
So much great energy, which I know you're bringing here to the
21:27
podcast today, and I can only imagine.
21:28
Were you energized every step of the way with writing the book?
21:32
I want to understand the process.
21:33
What made you decide? I have enough knowledge now I'm
21:36
writing the book. I think there were. 3 signs for
21:38
me OK, one was I started having a lot of fans and followers on
21:43
social media that I just thought like I should create like a sex
21:46
Bible, something that has everything that I know on a
21:50
nutshell, right? A foundational way, not too
21:52
deep, but has everything in it for my fans and followers so
21:55
that they have this one book that they can like always go to
21:58
and refer to. So that was the first sign of my
22:00
social media blowing up. And I just feel like it's a good
22:03
group of people to have this with them.
22:05
The second one is I started having literary agents reaching
22:08
out to me and say, hey, do you have an agent yet?
22:10
We want to represent you. And I had to interview a few of
22:13
them because obviously not all of them give me a good deal.
22:15
Yeah, there's quite a few that are sharks.
22:17
So be careful guys out there if you want to write a book and
22:20
want to get a literary agent. But basically found this woman
22:23
who reached out to me on LinkedIn and she's amazing and
22:26
she has been a great advocate for me.
22:28
So then when I started having agents reaching out, I'm like,
22:30
oh wow, maybe that's a universe, a sign that I should write a
22:33
book because all these literary agent think I should.
22:35
And then the third sign was I felt comfortable in my own
22:40
because I started this book 2 1/2 years ago.
22:42
Wow. At that point it was after I got
22:44
tenure at my university and I was at the pinnacle of my
22:47
academic career. So at that point I had the
22:49
confidence to write my own book and use my own voice and share
22:54
my personal experiences. So yeah, the confidence that
22:56
came from getting tenure and becoming a more the badass
22:59
professor and then the agents reaching out and then my social
23:03
media blew up. So I just thought, you know
23:04
what? There's so many signs.
23:05
I'm just going to do it. Hey.
23:07
Kingsters, if you ever thought I want to play but I don't even
23:10
know where to start, I've got you.
23:12
My personal and completely free BDSM checklist helps you and
23:16
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23:19
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23:21
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23:24
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23:28
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amandadames.com/BDSM list or click the link in the show
23:39
notes. Good for you.
23:41
Had the literary agents reaching out as well.
23:43
Yeah, but then. I also don't think people need
23:46
to wait until an agent reach out to them to write a book.
23:48
If you have a passion, you can reach out to them.
23:51
They're always interested in receiving pitches.
23:53
You're like a. Motivational speaker on top of
23:55
everything else, again to your energy.
23:57
I love it. Yeah, I'm.
23:59
Always like, yes, you can do it. You can.
24:01
I know. Couples need this.
24:03
It doesn't matter if you're just starting dating someone or been
24:06
in a relationship for 20 years, if you're having trouble with
24:09
some of this basic community around sex and relationships.
24:12
People not getting what they want in bed, I think is one of
24:15
the saddest things ever because in a lot of ways, it is one of
24:19
life's few free pleasures. You meet someone and you're able
24:23
to have this magical connection, but it's not magical.
24:26
You talk about it, you explore it, you share what you're
24:28
looking for, and then you get to a good place.
24:31
The foundation is important and you're helping people achieve
24:33
that. I always tell.
24:34
People, listen. We're humans.
24:36
We need these three things. Eating, talking.
24:38
Fucking yes. And in all these things, you
24:41
need to educate yourself. Eating.
24:43
If you are not eating well, you're gonna get sick.
24:46
You're gonna die early. That's just The thing is you got
24:49
to eat healthy, but you got to learn how to eat healthy.
24:51
What are some of the things that are healthy for you?
24:53
There's learning into that. Yeah.
24:55
Same with talking. I know that there's talking like
24:57
we're talking now. Why do I need to learn?
24:59
Like, I learned how to talk since I was 3.
25:01
But there's a difference between just talking versus effectively
25:04
talking. Yeah.
25:05
And I think the book talks about various different topics and
25:09
various different ways to effectively talk.
25:11
And then fucking people often say to me, oh, even animals, why
25:15
do we need to learn anything? It's natural instinct.
25:18
Sure. I feel sad for your partner.
25:20
Like who said that? How many people have?
25:22
Said that to me. Usually men.
25:23
OK. I feel sad for your partner too.
25:25
Yeah, usually. Men at networking or dinner
25:27
parties, I'll sit next to someone.
25:29
They'll be like, oh, what do you do?
25:30
And then I talk to them and then they're like, oh, I don't need
25:32
help in that. More animals, like we have
25:34
natural instinct. I'm just like I really want to.
25:36
Talk to their partner. Please bring me your partner so
25:38
I can verify all of this information.
25:40
I bet she has. Never come in her life.
25:43
Anyways, yeah, I think talking and fucking are the things that
25:48
I love educating people about. And that's what the book is
25:51
about. It covers many different topics
25:54
from communicating about frequency, communicating about
25:58
your preferences, communicating about kings.
26:01
And then how to bring things up if it's an issue, if your
26:04
partner has sexual dysfunction, how to bring those things up.
26:07
Or if you have sexual dysfunction, how to bring it up,
26:09
how to bring up you of porn, how to bring up you want to start
26:13
sexting? What do you do if you want to
26:15
start sexting? There's so many different
26:17
communication related things in the book that I think if you
26:20
read the book or listen to it, it's on Audible, Spotify.
26:24
If you just listen or read the book, you will learn at least 10
26:28
new little skills to improve your life in general.
26:31
I want to assign. This to all of my clients is go
26:33
prerequisite. I know read this because I work
26:37
a really good. Prerequisite.
26:39
Yeah, and. Then we'll work together.
26:40
I love that I see how everything you've mentioned is a common
26:44
topic that comes up with people in my DMS on social media.
26:48
People ask these questions so regularly, and I'm so excited
26:51
that I now get to point to your book directly.
26:53
And yeah. Information.
26:54
In here, well, your very first. Chapter talks about what is your
26:58
sexual profile and it is a sex personality test so once you
27:03
take the test in the book it will tell you what your acronyms
27:06
are. Mine is DKFA, dynamic, kinky,
27:12
flexible, animalistic and that is how I describe myself as a
27:16
lover on my preferences in bed. Even if you just read or listen
27:19
to the first chapter, you already learned so much about
27:22
who you are sexually and have the terminology, the language to
27:26
talk to your partner about your preferences based on this test.
27:30
That's why reading. Also is so important, so many
27:32
people just need the language to your point on talking, we just
27:35
need the words to be able to communicate how we're feeling
27:38
and I know that sounds easy. Oh, we're taught to talk from
27:41
the age of three, but until you can populate a menu of what you
27:44
want or what you're looking for. Really hard to do without the
27:47
language, you're right. And you know, even me recently
27:50
learned that I am into kitchen table Poly.
27:53
When I teach about this class, I don't necessarily go in depth
27:57
about polyamory. I talk about what polyamory is,
28:00
how it's positioned within overall ENM, but I don't go in
28:04
depth about the 30 different kinds of polyamory.
28:07
Then I learned for myself, because we have been not
28:10
monogamous since the start, but we mainly go to sex parties and
28:14
stuff. It's been more recently that we
28:16
started dating other people in a romantic relationship.
28:19
So we have transitioned into just general em to Polly.
28:22
Yeah. And now that we're Polly, I had
28:25
to learn the different types of Polly because I'm like, OK, what
28:27
type of Polly am I? And then I learned that's what I
28:30
want. I want kitchen table Polly.
28:32
I want all of us to hang out and be together.
28:34
And my husband is dating a woman and she's cool.
28:37
And we met before we follow each other on Instagram.
28:40
She came to our house for dinner.
28:42
It's cool. I like kitchen table Polly.
28:44
But that's the thing. This is my case in point.
28:46
I didn't even know that word. I don't even know that that's
28:49
what I want. But now I know I can't stop
28:51
saying it. I keep love it.
28:52
That's what I'm into. Kitchen table Polly.
28:54
See you bring this. Energy to everything.
28:56
I yeah, how excited you are. And you're like, this is who I
28:59
am and I'm so excited. Because people are like, oh, so
29:02
how does it work? I'm like, we're just kitchen
29:04
table, babe. And are you?
29:05
Dating anyone seriously right now?
29:07
Yeah, I'm. Also dating someone in the UK so
29:10
I see him when I'm in the UK and I'm spend most of my time in the
29:14
US with my husband. I don't date anyone right now in
29:17
the US so I separate it that way.
29:19
UK, US but they know about each other and hopefully they can
29:23
hang out one day. But since he's abroad it's hard.
29:25
But the person that my husband's dating is in LA, so it's easier
29:28
for all of us to hang out easier in that.
29:30
Way. OK, there's so much.
29:32
Love in it. I love it.
29:33
I really love the expansiveness of it.
29:35
Oh, I love that and. Expansiveness is a great word.
29:38
It is just like a growing app, your kitchen table group at
29:41
least one person for now. Let's talk about the UK because
29:44
at first people are like, how does that work?
29:46
But you have been spending a little more time in the UK over
29:49
the last few years, right? Whole much time.
29:51
It's been about four to five months in a year in the UK
29:54
because. You film a show called Celebs Go
29:58
Dating Yeah, I. Am the sex expert and one of the
30:01
hosts of the TV show called Celebs Go Dating and it's a huge
30:06
show. There has already been 14
30:09
seasons and it's just got renewed so I'm going back next
30:12
year for season 15. But I basically have done three
30:15
seasons. They added me as a third host
30:18
and sex expert on the show for the last three seasons.
30:21
So I have done season 1213 and 14.
30:24
Man, it's been so much fun. The premise of the show is we
30:28
usually have about 6 to 8 celebrities per season and we
30:32
work with them through consulting and therapy.
30:34
We basically coach them and then send them out on dates and a lot
30:38
of times they find it successful and they find their partner.
30:41
Why are they? Struggling with dating, what do
30:43
you find? Like everybody.
30:44
Else yeah, expectations, the communication.
30:47
They're not good at communicating.
30:49
Even though they're celebrities and they're in the limelight, a
30:52
lot of them actually struggle with self esteem.
30:54
They can come off very confident, but they actually
30:57
struggle internally. And some of them don't know what
30:59
they want really, because they're maybe younger and they
31:01
have just been on reality TV or movies or TV shows and they'd
31:05
randomly date a bunch of different people and they just
31:07
didn't have directions or the deep understanding of who they
31:10
they are. So a lot of it is life coaching.
31:13
Yeah, I could. See that I'm on one lately about
31:15
how society tells us we want one thing and it's so hard for us to
31:18
look inside and think, what am I actually drawn to?
31:21
And yeah. Exactly.
31:22
And I haven't had a celebrity on that show that wanted to be in a
31:26
non monogamous or Poly relationship.
31:28
I hope that next season we get to have that representation.
31:32
Yeah, because so far the show has been quite traditional,
31:35
although we have really good representation of people of
31:37
different ages. Like we have people that are 22
31:40
and people that are like 65 and then we also have trans people,
31:44
we have LGBTQ. We have all those
31:46
representation, but we don't have relational structure
31:49
representation. Everyone so far on the show
31:52
wanted monogamous relationship. So hopefully in the next season
31:56
or the future we have some sort of representation for non
31:59
monogamy or Poly I really. Hope so.
32:02
I'm so glad you said that too, because it's worth celebrating
32:05
all of the other diversity that exists in the show.
32:07
Yeah, I think this speaks to that.
32:09
A monogamous relationship is still held up as the ideal
32:12
people discount. It too, whenever I say like, Oh
32:15
yeah, I'm married. They're like, Oh my God,
32:17
congratulations. And then I'm like, Oh yeah, but
32:19
I'm also dating other people. They're like, oh, do you not
32:21
love your husband? Are you guys struggling?
32:23
I'm like, girl, no, if you're struggling, you should not open
32:26
your relationship. It's only the healthiest couples
32:29
can open their relationship. I believe that.
32:31
Because it's gonna fall apart otherwise Totally.
32:34
Yeah, it's a lot of work. You have to be.
32:35
Great. A+ on the communication and
32:38
ability like and emotional safety for it to work.
32:41
Yeah. Yeah, it's true.
32:43
I feel so safe with my husband. I know for a fact that he's got
32:47
my back and he loves me unconditionally and I love him
32:50
unconditional. I'm always here for him.
32:52
If he needs me I drop everything and come back.
32:53
Last year I was in the UK filming and he had a pop up
32:57
store at the Westfield Century City Mall in Beverly Hills and
33:00
early on I asked him do you want me to come back to?
33:03
And he's like, no, it's OK, The flight is so far, it's just an
33:06
opening is fine. But I knew he wanted me to be
33:08
there because he was a bit uncertain, a bit nervous.
33:11
Of course he wanted me to be there.
33:12
So I flew back for one day to go to that opening to be his rock,
33:17
and then flew back the next day to go directly onto set and
33:19
film. That's how committed I am.
33:22
And if people dare say we're not committed because we're non
33:25
monogamous, you need to shut the fuck up.
33:27
A. 100% also it's just angers me that people feel that they can
33:32
even have an opinion on your relationship.
33:34
They're not in your relationship exactly that people will.
33:37
Always have an opinion, which is fine.
33:39
Freedom of speech, whatever. At the end of the day, I am here
33:43
to be an example of a healthy relationship.
33:45
And whenever you're ready to receive this guidance,
33:49
information and inspiration, I'm here, babe.
33:52
Yeah. Do you?
33:52
Touch on it in the book Polyamory, Yeah.
33:55
I talked about polyamory and statistics around it and how to
33:59
successfully have the early conversation.
34:02
I did not talk in depth about it because it's not a book about
34:04
Poly. Yeah.
34:06
There are so. Many good books.
34:07
I think one of them is called Open Secure or something Poly
34:11
secure. Yeah, Poly.
34:12
Yeah. Yeah, I like that book Poly
34:14
Secure. And then there's also, what was
34:16
it, 2 + 1 or something like that?
34:18
There's quite a few. There are a lot of.
34:20
I think Poly Secure is probably one of the most popular ones.
34:23
But yeah, you're right, there is a ton of it.
34:25
This is like the intro. So yeah, everyone needs to go
34:28
out and get Doctor Tara's book. How do you like it?
34:31
A guide for getting what you want in bed.
34:33
Because that is, yes, that is what we're all about.
34:36
We want people to be having the sex lives they hoped they would
34:40
have, all the orgasms, all the intimacy, all of the
34:42
self-expression. They're looking for the tools.
34:45
All right, Doctor Tara, thank you so much for coming in.
34:48
Thank you so much for putting the work into getting this book
34:50
out into the world. This is such important knowledge
34:53
for people to have and you've made it so accessible.
34:55
Thank you. So.
34:56
Much and thank you for having me.
34:58
I notice and I know everything that you're doing.
35:00
I think it's incredible work that you're doing and you're
35:02
helping D stigmatize something that's there's huge stigma
35:06
around that. So I'm so grateful to be on this
35:08
podcast. Thank you for having me talking
35:10
about the book. How do you like it?
35:11
And yeah, I highly recommend everyone get this book.
35:13
It's your sex Bible. You will find a link.
35:15
In the show notes so that you can go straight and get your
35:17
copy now. All right.
35:19
Thanks for coming on, Doctor Tara, of course.
35:21
Thank you. If you enjoyed this episode,
35:25
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share it with
35:27
anyone who might find it interesting.
35:29
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
35:32
future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
35:34
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
35:39
on.