Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Your Wife Has No Fantasies... Or None She Will Tell You

Transcript

Why Your Wife Has No Fantasies... Or None She Will Tell You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today I am going to be talking about why your wife has no
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  sexual fantasies or why she doesn't share them with you.
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  So before that, please do subscribe.
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  The next subscriber episode will be I don't Know yet.
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  And the most recent subscriber episode, I don't remember.
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  So that's a good sales pitch. But there's 137 of them.
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  Oh, is a romantic. A romantic.
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  There's lots of them about sex, romance, love.
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  I mean, just all sorts of stuff. All right.
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  Anyway, so the 24% of women have no fantasies, right?
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  Right. Or maybe it's 26.
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  I forget. It's like 1/4 of them.
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  I just did a little video on it. So a whole bunch of women have
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  no fantasies. Why?
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  Because they have no libido. I told you this already.
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  I told you guys this already. If the woman has no libido, the
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  hell is she going to be thinking about sex for?
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  It will be like a guy secretly thinking about scrapbooking.
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  That's always my analogy. No guys like scrapbooking.
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  It's the hobby that no men like. I'm sure I'll get hate mail from
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  guys who have elaborate scrapbooks, in which case I
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  apologize and I will change it to some other things.
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  But any who most guys don't like scrapbooking, so they don't
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  fantasize about how to scrapbook better, how to go to Michaels
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  and get all of their scrapbooking paraphernalia so
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  they're all ready for scrapbooking season.
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  No. So women who have low libidos do
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  not think about sex. They really don't.
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  They think about it only in as much as possibly when they're
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  ovulating, and that's about that.
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  Now, though, there are other women, there are women that had
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  more active sex lives before you met them and with whom the
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  honeymoon stage was uproarious fun, and you had lots and lots
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  of sex. So in all different ways, some
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  of them were suggested by her, She initiated, she masturbates.
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  You know she's a sexual entity. Your wife doesn't do any of that
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  stuff. And the honeymoon stage sex was
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  basically you initiating sex once or twice a week and her
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  doing it with a smile because she liked you more at that time,
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  but now no longer with a smile. Then she doesn't have any
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  fantasies. Leave her the F alone, right?
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  But you know, there are women that were highly sexual beings.
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  The idea that they have no fantasies is probably not true.
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  But why wouldn't they tell you? I mean, some of them may not
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  because their hormones change. Maybe they're on an SSRI now.
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  Birth control. Something changed somewhere.
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  They have kids. They have an anxiety disorder.
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  All they do is think about the children's safety, whatever
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  their problem is. But some of them do have
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  fantasies. Why wouldn't they tell you?
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  Well, there's one big reason they wouldn't tell you, which is
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  because you make everything about you and your ego.
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  You are sulky and impossible to give feedback too, and you are
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  terrified you'd go down manosphere rabbit holes and have
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  convinced yourself that 67% of women are cheating with the
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  guy's best friend. And you know, 50% of women have
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  babies that aren't the guy, the husband's baby and all of this
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  crazy stuff. And therefore, if they ever even
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  suggest that they might be attracted to another man that
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  isn't you, you go into basically that thing where you know,
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  Rumpelstiltskin had like a huge tantrum until he, like, you
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  know, blew up or whatever was in that fairy tale.
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  And you know, therefore she can't tell you anything because
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  she's terrified to shake your already fragile self concept
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  even further and have to pay for even more therapy for you, you
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  know, like for real. So.
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  So that's why, you know, she may not tell you if she's a sexual
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  entity and she has any sort of fantasy because guess what,
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  Fantasies are not going to be about having the same sex with
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  you that she can already have at any moment.
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  That's not a fantasy. That would be as ridiculous as
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  her fantasizing about cooking dinner that night for the
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  children. No, Maybe she thinks, oh, I
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  would love to be able to cook, you know, French food for, you
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  know, children that would eat it, that aren't mine, that are
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  better behaved and less picky in this sort of, you know, on a
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  yacht possibly, you know, then maybe she could have a fantasy
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  about cooking. But why the hell would she have
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  a fantasy about cooking if it's the same thing that she does
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  every night? That's not called a fantasy,
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  right? That's just called what happens.
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  So a fantasy evolutionarily is going to be.
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  And most frequently, research says it's about having sex with
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  a stranger. Why?
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  Because, as I've told you myriad times, in order to increase the
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  genetic diversity of our species, ideally a woman would
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  have sex with a new man every time she ovulated.
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  That is not what she wants to do.
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  And you, as a man, would be having sex with every woman you
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  saw pretty, you found pretty or attractive anywhere, anytime.
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  That's not what you wanna do. Or at least not what you wanna
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  do, you know, given the constraints of the life that
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  you've chosen. And same for her.
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  So. But that doesn't mean her
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  fantasy is going to be about like literally having sex with
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  you the same way in a different place or something.
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  Why? Or like, how?
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  Why would that be exciting? Why it wouldn't?
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  I'm just, you know, and I know this because I used to be a
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  young woman, obviously a young teenage girl, et cetera, where a
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  guy would say, what's your fancy?
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  Would be like, oh, doing it on the beach.
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  No, it wasn't. It wasn't.
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  What do women fantasize about doing it with a different
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  person, some kind of BDSM scenario, like some new thing
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  that they want to try, not with the husband but like in theory
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  they want to try it. Be cool, I guess, if it's the
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  husband, because that's who they've picked.
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  So like, given that it has to be with the husband that they'll do
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  the BDSM with the husband, right.
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  But why do you know, why would somebody think about doing
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  something with somebody that they already, you know, know and
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  or with. That's not a fantasy.
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  You know that isn't a fantasy. That's like a reality show, you
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  know, so you can enjoy sex with your husband super much and love
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  it and they think that it's awesome.
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  And also that isn't going to be your fantasy unless you are just
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  using that one. So, so here, here, let's let's
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  say, because a lot of guys might be getting upset.
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  So she could certainly be sitting there thinking that she
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  wants to have sex with you when you come home Totally that
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  great. And if you consider that a
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  fantasy, then game on. She could totally be doing that.
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  That's totally real. She's a high libido woman or a
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  woman that understands her own body.
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  And she's in the first part of her cycle.
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  She probably does think, oh, when he comes home, you know,
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  maybe we'll have sex. She's scared to say it because
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  then it turns into some kind of a promise and she's going to be
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  tired later, etcetera. But, you know, she thinks it.
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  But that's not like a fantasy, I guess.
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  It's like a mild, like a Daydream, like a Daydream.
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  But when guys say, what's your fantasy?
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  Right. So then I've heard things like
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  this. So the guy says, oh, well,
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  what's, what's your fantasy? And she's like, oh, well, you
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  know, this one time in college and she's going to talk about
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  something that she did that she actually liked, but uh, oh,
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  alarm bells. Because his his insecurity just,
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  you know, view. It just zoomed up.
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  And he's like college. Oh.
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  Oh. So do you mean with that guy
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  that you told me about in college, You the one that you
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  said that you weren't really into him even though you dated
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  for three years? Oh, so.
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  All right. OK Well, I mean, I just guess I
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  didn't know we were going to be talking about past experiences.
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  So. All right.
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  So. OK.
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  Yeah. No, I mean, yeah.
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  Go on. So what does she learn from
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  this? She learns his ego is as fragile
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  as a blown glass, you know, and I can't ever say anything that's
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  on my mind. And so therefore I got to go
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  back to all my fantasy is to have the same missionary style
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  sex that we have at night, except, Oh my God, we're going
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  to do a doggy style. And I'm going to tell you I want
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  to do it outside. This is not her fantasy.
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  She was about to tell you what her fantasy was, but you shut it
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  down because you can't hear about anything that upsets you
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  or that makes you feel like you're not the only attractive
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  man to her in the entire universe.
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  Which of course you're not, because is she the only
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  attractive girl to you and the entire universe?
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  Certainly not, right? So if you want to have an open
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  sex life, you want to be open minded and you want to talk to
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  each other and to be open with one another and to actually know
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  who you're married to on a deep level, then you cannot have a
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  very fragile self concept. And I talk about this in the
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  podcast, how to get genuine, genuine sexual performance
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  feedback from your wife. And the number one way is to be
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  thought of as some who can receive feedback by being a laid
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  back, confidence secure guy that can be told no, actually, like,
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  I don't like how you go down on me without, you know, having
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  basically a tantrum, you know, And and there's the equivalent
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  of this in the other way as well.
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  So there's a lot of women that are like, oh, babe, like, what?
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  What? What are your fantasies?
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  And then he said something about a threesome and then they don't
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  have sex for like 3 months because she's so mad at him and
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  we got to go to therapy about it.
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  And does he really not love her? What the fuck?
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  She just set him up to fail. He said it.
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  That's a common male fantasy, you know?
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  But she doesn't want to hear it. What did she want?
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  She wanted the equivalent of what women have to tell.
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  Preoccupied attachment, Guys. Oh, it's you.
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  But it's on the beach. You know, like, it's it's us.
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  We're doing the same thing as usual.
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  It's just, you know, one inch outside our home in the grass.
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  OK, Cool. People can like having sex
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  outside, but the funniest part is a lot of the reason people
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  like having sex outside when that's the fetish, is
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  exhibitionism is because of the exhibitionism.
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  So it's like the part where you might get caught or where
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  somebody actually does catch you or watches you.
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  But if people try to bring this up with a very insecure partner,
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  that's another thing they don't want to hear.
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  So it's not hot unless somebody sees us.
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  Oh, why do you want somebody to see us?
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  Oh, you want that guy to see you.
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  Why? Because you are you sleeping
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  with him. So it becomes like, crazy, you
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  know? So if you actually want a
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  partner to be able to tell you their fantasies, their thoughts,
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  their sexual dreams, anything, then you got to be somebody that
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  does not have so much skin in the game and such a fragile ego.
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  And what do I always say can help with this, can help with
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  self esteem and confidence, therapy, because then you could
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  see the origin of why you are putting yourself in this box.
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  You know, it's fear of negative emotion.
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  You know, it's fear of being too upset.
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  And you always learn that at home, you know, is by parents
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  who like, won't talk about certain things.
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  We're not allowed to say certain things.
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  Otherwise somebody gets upset And if mom or dad gets upset
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  then it's the end of the world and we can't ever have bad
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  feelings, you know, And that kind of way of being really
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  infiltrates your whole system. And then you start to think that
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  if you were to feel, for example, jealous, or you were to
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  feel, for example, insecure or wistful, all about wishing you
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  had been the guy in college, that she had done whatever the
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  hell, you'll never know now that you cut her off, you know, then
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  that feeling will be intolerable to you.
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  You will not be able to deal with the negative feeling.
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  So yes, you can and you can learn to do that, and therapy
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  can teach you that. All emotions peak and decrease
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  and negative emotions are just as normal and natural and
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  fleeting as positive emotions. You know and you don't want to
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  shape your entire life. And certainly your intimate
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  relations ships around never experiencing a negative emotion
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  because you consider yourself too fragile to possibly power
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  through it. That feeling and that lack of
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  confidence in your own ability to weather the emotional storms
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  that necessarily come with any deep and meaningful
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  interpersonal interaction that is always situated in the early
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  upbringing experiences. And we were trained to fear
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  feeling hurt, feeling sad, feeling inferior, et cetera.
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  So then you never really can understand the full range of
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  anything that your partner is experiencing or experience what
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  it would be like to be in a very open, mutually loving and
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  trusting kind of free atmosphere.
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  You know, the same as people have with friends.
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  You know where you could just say anything.
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  Some people don't even know that's possible in in a
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  marriage. But it is.
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  Of course, you can't say like nasty stuff like man do you look
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  ugly today. But you wouldn't say that to a
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  friend either, right? And what you should be able to
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  do is ask them a question and hear any answer.
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  If you're interested enough to know to ask the damn question,
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  then you don't want to be the kind of person where then they
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  think they have to walk on egg shells and predict what's going
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  to upset you in all their possible answers.
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  So basically as a TLDR summary, if she's low libido, she
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  probably has no fantasy, so stop asking her about them.
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  You are just having an extreme lack of empathy and not
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  understanding that you do not fantasize about doing shit you
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  don't like either. So leave her alone and stop
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  making her feel broken and less than by trying to tell her.
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  All women have fantasies. No, they don't.
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  Next, if you've had some of these conversations and this
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  felt a little bit close to home, where like she's maybe started
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  to say some things and then you've your your insecurity has
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  run rampant and roughshod over the conversation, then why don't
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  you go back and apologize? But before that, you might want
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  to seek out some individual counseling so that you don't do
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  it again. Because you're stopping yourself
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  from knowing your partner, from experimenting, from playing,
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  from be having an adventurous and free relationship.
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  Because you're scared to hear that she might think that some
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  other dude was hot, or that she fantasizes about basically
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  faceless men instead of you, which is the large majority of
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  women. If it's not a celebrity, which
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  is another popular one, you know, so you know if you really
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  want to. The thing is that women who are
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  partnering to very open minded guys, they truly find themselves
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  growing more sexual and more open a guy.
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  It is possible for a very open minded partner to lead the other
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  partner into a space of of increased sexual gratification
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  and fulfilment and open mindedness and self-awareness.
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  That is every man's fantasy. But you can, you know, being the
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  guy to open up the woman sexually.
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  But a closed minded man can open up no woman.
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  So you have to work on that closed mindedness first to have
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  even a shot at being somebody who can be in an open minded
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  relationship, never mind open her up more sexually.
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  All right. I hope you guys found this
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  really interesting and I thought that it was a good one and
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  definitely something to introspect about and I will talk
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  to you all soon. Have a great day.