Latest / Questionable Detour / Stealing doorknobs, becoming a man's wife, and helping someone with life threatening problems

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Stealing doorknobs, becoming a man's wife, and helping someone with life threatening problems · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:06
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:10
So absurd, so questionable.
0:14
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:17
Expect the detour.
0:23
Who were the three different people you tried to be last week?
0:29
One was an airline pilot.
0:31
That was just because I...
0:33
You got arrested quick then.
0:34
Yeah, no, I got halfway into the cockpit.
0:37
One pilot grabbed the leg that was in the cockpit.
0:39
Stuart just grabbed the leg that was out.
0:41
And they started pulling me apart.
0:43
And now I'm about three feet wider than I was when I stepped on the plane.
0:45
You made it sound like there's loose legs in this plane.
0:47
There could be.
0:48
You never...
0:49
It sounded like a threat.
0:50
It sounded like he was gonna...
0:51
That's what TSA is trying to stop.
0:55
Does that stretch of your body make it easier for TSA to check?
0:58
It's more service area, so they see me coming and they're like, he's not gonna fit through
1:03
the metal detector.
1:04
There's more we gotta pat down when he inevitably sends off the metal detector.
1:08
You don't even like to travel.
1:09
You just like to go through airports, just get pat down, right?
1:12
You just love the physical contact.
1:14
You're kind of missing out on the human contact lately.
1:16
What's the best airport to get patted down at?
1:19
LaGuardia.
1:20
LaGuardia?
1:21
Okay, okay.
1:22
Yeah, they see a lot of traffic, so they're real stereotypers.
1:24
So if you go in there with some stereotypical bomber gear...
1:28
Do you strip a bomb through yourself?
1:29
Like a bomb, yeah.
1:30
They will pat you down in an instant, tackle you, incarcerate you, send you to jail for
1:36
many years, yeah.
1:37
Straight to jail.
1:40
Special day on the podcast today.
1:43
We love change, and the podcast is moving up in the world.
1:47
We have our producer here, Patrick, and little known thing about Patrick, he's the one that
1:51
kind of started this whole thing, and don't let him fool you, he gets a ton of colonoscopies.
1:57
He does.
1:58
He did.
2:00
That's how I got him here today, was like in a promise of a colonoscopy.
2:04
So it's not that he has to get one medically, he's not required to, he enjoys it.
2:08
It's my choice, yeah.
2:09
Now, Patrick is not mic'd up tonight, maybe in the future, but I would ask him at this
2:15
point, how many colonoscopies do you normally get in a week, and I've heard it's an astronomical
2:19
number.
2:20
Astronomical number.
2:21
And, you know, he doesn't mic'd up, but how many colonoscopies would you have said you
2:28
got in a week?
2:29
Like five a day.
2:30
Five a day.
2:31
He said five a day, which I assume you're very sore.
2:39
I hate to see his health insurance bill, too.
2:42
It means he goes to different doctors, like a person trying to get prescription med would
2:47
to get their prescription in the med.
2:49
The amount of magnesium citrate you have to go through before every colonoscopy.
2:54
This guy hit his health insurance deductible in the first week.
2:59
The doctors are like, we're going to put you to sleep.
3:01
He's like, no, don't do that.
3:02
Yeah, you don't have to.
3:03
This is the fourth one day.
3:04
You think I'm not used to this?
3:05
I actually heard a colonoscopy joke the other day and he said he was getting put under and
3:13
he said right before he went under, he yelled at all the doctors, hey, just don't touch
3:16
my butthole.
3:17
And then he immediately passed out from the anesthesia.
3:21
He said that to the doctors?
3:22
Yeah.
3:23
Respect.
3:24
So does that mean that they did the operation without consent?
3:27
Could be.
3:28
Because he gave him consent at first and then he revoked it.
3:32
But in a joking way.
3:33
So did jokes count as consent?
3:35
This is an area that you're probably good at, Zach.
3:39
The grayest of areas, he always says.
3:43
Consent.
3:45
If she says no jokingly.
3:46
If she's joking when she says no, she does like a little chuckle at the end.
3:50
What do you think that means?
3:52
Listen, I don't think it'll hold up in the court.
3:55
I don't want to make us legally responsible for rapists and they're like, they were joking.
4:01
I heard it on a legal podcast.
4:03
We're not a legal podcast.
4:04
None of us.
4:05
None of us have.
4:06
I hope somebody just found that out today.
4:09
I hope they're like, wait, you've got to be kidding me.
4:13
I thought this was QD attorney at law.
4:15
That's why they were going through all these hypothetical situations.
4:18
Welcome to questionable detour.
4:21
Let's do hypothetical.
4:22
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
4:26
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
4:30
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
4:32
All right, boys.
4:34
First hypothetical for today would be, so you're a door to door salesman.
4:39
What tactics would you use to make the sale?
4:43
We're all influential people.
4:45
But what specifically would you do to really close the gap and close the sale?
4:52
We're all about closing, all about closing the deals.
4:55
So I think in order to secure a good sale at someone's house, right at their front door
5:00
on the stoop, I would remove every door knob from their home.
5:04
Is this before or after you knocked on the door to get them to come to the door?
5:10
I like to do a little field work prior to.
5:12
I spend about a month outside their home.
5:15
I locate every door knob.
5:17
It doesn't take a month.
5:20
How many doors are in this house?
5:23
It doesn't take a month.
5:24
Do you just lose count easily?
5:26
Just yeah.
5:27
I'm like a goldfish.
5:32
I lose count all the time.
5:33
I can never remember.
5:34
So I go in there, do my prep work.
5:36
The day before I get there to their doorstep, I remove all the door knobs in their home.
5:40
They're never able to close the door on me.
5:43
So even when they try to, they're like, you fool, you idiot, please get away from me.
5:48
They try to close the door on me.
5:49
I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.
5:50
There's no way it's happening.
5:52
I've got your door knobs.
5:53
I got your knobs, if you will.
5:54
So what are you selling?
5:57
Door knobs.
6:01
My business is, is door knobs.
6:04
What better way to ensure that someone's going to purchase your product by stealing the
6:10
product and creating a deficit.
6:13
That's just, that is business 101.
6:15
If you could find where your customers live, meet them, meet them where they live is kind
6:20
of one of my mottos that, that I live by when I sell door knobs, meet them where they live.
6:25
So do they know that you stole their door knobs or they just think it's, they just know
6:29
that that happened.
6:30
It's coincidental that the door knobs got stolen and all of a sudden a door knob salesman
6:34
comes up and tries to sell the door knob.
6:35
I think they probably think it's just a coincidence.
6:38
I mean, I've been observing these people for a month.
6:41
I try to pick ones that are on the less intelligent side.
6:46
Some that might be, might be prone to, to my sale.
6:49
This guy says this, you can't count past what five without forgetting.
6:52
I'm not quite sure.
6:53
I don't even know.
6:54
I know five's a number.
6:55
I just don't know how to get there.
6:58
But if these people, if they choose to try and close the door on me, obviously the door
7:02
won't be closed.
7:03
There's no knob.
7:04
I kicked that thing open.
7:05
Oh my gosh.
7:06
And I say, you want your door knobs?
7:08
How bad do you want them?
7:10
And then I start throwing them at them.
7:12
So at first you, your sell tactic is to treat the door knobs as if you're holding them
7:17
hostage.
7:18
Yeah.
7:19
Yeah.
7:20
Holding a gun to the door knobs.
7:21
I've got, I've got a burlap bag of just full of knobs, chock full of them.
7:24
And I've got a gun, a loaded gun pointed at the bag.
7:30
I say homeowner.
7:31
You spent a month at this house and you didn't learn their names?
7:33
You just call them homeowner?
7:35
They're nothing to me.
7:36
They're nothing but a sale.
7:37
I don't care what their names are.
7:39
If you think you can't remember the number of door knobs, you're going to be real upset
7:43
when you learn the amount of names you can remember.
7:46
Hey, look across the table.
7:49
What's his name?
7:50
Door.
7:51
What's his name?
7:53
No.
7:54
That checks out.
7:55
I thought he just called me a knob.
7:59
I thought he was calling me a British slang term.
8:01
I didn't realize he thought my name was knob.
8:04
No, that's yeah.
8:05
I don't, I don't, I don't tend to remember very much.
8:10
When you're in the middle of the knob cell, do you remember why you're there or do you
8:13
kind of maybe zone out and zone back in?
8:15
Like how does that work?
8:17
I remember while I'm there, they call it, they call it getting in the knob zone where
8:22
you just, you just kind of get this high where in that moment, all you can do is remember
8:28
selling door knobs.
8:29
That's all you can do.
8:30
What are the chances it's just ecstasy?
8:32
Yeah, you sound like you're on drugs.
8:35
He's just on ecstasy.
8:36
What's your sales rate at?
8:37
Do you, do you have a pretty high percentage of sales?
8:41
Most of the time?
8:42
Yes.
8:43
They tend to, they tend to require the door knobs.
8:46
So what I do is I, once I start throwing them at them, they're, they're eventually like,
8:50
no, please, please stop.
8:52
Stop pelting us with the door knobs that we already purchased.
8:56
We'll, we'll do anything to get you to stop.
8:58
And so they start throwing obscene amounts of money, like the checkbooks.
9:02
I didn't even know people had checkbooks anymore, but they start writing me just checks.
9:06
The memo line on there is just stop throwing door knobs at me.
9:11
Lots of zeros on that.
9:12
Lots of zeros, lots of zeros.
9:14
Do you steal the only the exterior door knobs or do you also steal interior door knobs?
9:19
I steal the complete set.
9:20
So you're in these people's houses.
9:21
Yeah.
9:22
Yeah.
9:23
Yeah.
9:24
Before they know it.
9:25
Now pun intended here, but that sounds a little unhinged.
9:27
Gosh, man.
9:28
You really, really got me there.
9:30
I want to say, yes, it is unhinged.
9:34
Um, I've been going through kind of a lot lately.
9:36
I don't, I don't really know that this is the place to talk about it.
9:42
For people that can't see Alan, he's laid over on the couch.
9:45
Like he's in a therapy session right now.
9:47
Yeah.
9:48
He's on a little chaise lounge.
9:49
Yeah.
9:50
Kind of arms crossed.
9:51
Yeah.
9:52
Clasping a pillow on his chest.
9:53
Yeah.
9:54
I'm very disheveled right now.
9:56
Cause you don't have shelves.
9:57
Cause I don't, cause I don't have shelves.
10:00
I'm just having a bad go of it.
10:02
So many doorknobs.
10:03
So few shelves.
10:07
When the doorknob to shelf ratio is this bad, your, your mind is just in a tailspin.
10:14
Sounds like you're not selling doorknobs very well because you have a bad doorknob to shelf
10:19
ratio.
10:20
Is that why you might be in a tailspin?
10:21
No, the door?
10:22
Well, yeah.
10:23
Okay.
10:24
Let's see what I've, what I've worked myself into here.
10:27
Yeah.
10:28
I'll, I'll come clean with you guys.
10:32
I like to present myself as a great salesman, but in theory I'm not, my home is made up
10:37
entirely of doorknobs because I can't get rid of them.
10:40
I just ended up selling them or I just ended up stealing them.
10:45
I just, I just ended up stealing all of the doorknobs using them to make my own home.
10:49
I can't sell them.
10:50
I'm, I'm a terrible salesman.
10:52
In all your stuff in your house, it's kind of just sitting on the floor cause he doesn't
10:57
have enough shelves.
10:58
I'm disheveled.
10:59
I'm so disheveled.
11:00
Now, the listeners also can't see this, but since Alan laid down on the chaise lounge
11:07
and began going through his feelings, Zach has put on his glasses and started writing
11:11
in a little notebook.
11:12
Yeah.
11:13
Zach, do you have a suggested diagnosis that you've been going through over there that
11:18
you've been kind of working on?
11:19
Yeah.
11:20
I would say maybe you're not stealing enough.
11:22
You think so?
11:23
Yeah, I think that you're putting so much of your emotions and, and, and effort into
11:29
stealing doorknobs.
11:31
And the reason I think you're stealing doorknobs from a psychological sense is I think you
11:34
want people to open the door for you.
11:36
You want people to work hard to open the door for you because you don't feel, you feel left
11:40
out.
11:41
Yeah.
11:42
Yeah.
11:43
But here's, here's what I'm going to give you to do this week as your homework.
11:46
Steal the entire door.
11:47
Don't give people the opportunity to let you in or out.
11:50
Don't expect them.
11:52
Steal the entire door.
11:53
That way you can come and go as you please.
11:55
Does that sound like something maybe it'll satisfy your-
11:58
Yeah, because if I'm, if I'm hearing what you're saying right, I'm so much better than
12:02
them and that they're absolute garbage in comparison to someone of my skill and vitality.
12:13
The whiplash from your depressive state straight to the confident state is ridiculous.
12:19
I got to say we've made a breakthrough.
12:23
I'm just saying who else needs my expertise?
12:26
You just saw right in front of you what I can do to you.
12:29
Somebody, somebody call science because they need to hear about this.
12:37
Get this man a paper.
12:38
Honestly, I feel confident.
12:40
I think I can, I think I can take your homework and I think that that will drastically improve
12:46
my life.
12:47
Listen, I don't doubt it one bit.
12:50
Evan's not going to have a door as we leave recording today.
12:53
I'll just take it with me when I go.
12:54
And I'll never be able to stop you from coming.
12:57
That's right.
12:58
That's right.
12:59
Or going.
13:00
Oh man.
13:01
But that was a great first QD therapy session we just went through right there.
13:07
You know, maybe, maybe that should be a segment.
13:09
Maybe we offer issues in a segment and then we kind of-
13:13
You put on your full three piece tweed suit and we bring in the chase lounge.
13:18
Try not to hit the door frame coming in.
13:20
Wide brimmed glasses.
13:21
Uh huh.
13:22
Uh huh.
13:23
And your little notebook that you-
13:24
Yeah, listen, I'm all for that.
13:26
Just scribbling in.
13:27
I'm all for letting the world access.
13:30
My door, I don't have a door to my wisdom so anybody can come and go as they please.
13:36
Instead of a door you have a shower curtain.
13:37
It's not even a shower curtain.
13:39
It's just of 70 beads tied that hang from the door and you kind of have to open them
13:44
up and they clack behind you.
13:46
So yeah.
13:47
And speaking of your therapist notebook, it did look like you were scribbling a lot over
13:51
there and what you said didn't really match up to what you, uh, looked like you were writing
13:56
down.
13:57
Do you mind if I take a look at your page right here?
13:58
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
13:59
Tell me what's written in my notebook there, Evan.
14:01
Oh.
14:02
That's, that's interesting.
14:04
You just, you just drew a picture of a sled of what is that?
14:09
Nine hogs?
14:10
Snow?
14:11
Snow?
14:12
Snow sledding?
14:13
Is that what that is?
14:14
It's a dream I had last night.
14:18
You instead of sled dogs, you had sled hogs?
14:20
Sled hogs, yeah.
14:21
Oh, okay.
14:22
Yeah.
14:23
They're great.
14:24
Because not only have them to get you to ADB, but you also have possible breakfast.
14:28
Interesting.
14:29
Along with it.
14:30
And that's what Alan's therapy session kind of led you to.
14:33
Let's not, let's not question my tactics and motives here.
14:36
The point is we arrived to a solution for Alan.
14:40
If the hog sled was how you got to curing me of something that's wrong with me, draw
14:47
as many hogs as you need, man.
14:51
Thanks for, thanks for allowing me to do that, patient.
14:58
The patient has become the therapist.
14:59
And if you ever need anything from me, just give me a call.
15:03
You have my number.
15:04
If you ever need to talk about anything.
15:06
Yeah.
15:07
If I need a door, I'll come down.
15:09
You probably have an excess amount of those things.
15:12
Yeah, yeah.
15:13
But yeah.
15:14
All right, Evan.
15:16
The so-called best closer in the tri-state upper north of the county closer.
15:23
Yeah, and that's not just self-proclaimed.
15:25
That's within this room proclaimed.
15:28
So I don't know how that's better.
15:29
Three is better than you just proclaimed it in this room and the way I'll close any deal,
15:34
any sale, anything at all, any casket is an aggressive and not good feeling massage.
15:42
Your stick is I'll give you a massage, but it won't be good.
15:44
Well, they don't.
15:45
I don't really ask them.
15:48
They start to not go through with it.
15:50
And I'm like, hold on one second.
15:51
I just kind of whip them around real quick and I get deep into those shoulders.
15:54
Oh yeah.
15:55
You know, like dude, you've been to those shoulders.
15:58
I get a lot of elbow action in there and by elbow action, I do mean the point of my elbow
16:04
goes at least three inches into their spine.
16:07
Oh my gosh.
16:09
They do leave.
16:10
You massage the spine.
16:12
Yeah.
16:13
I don't.
16:14
That's better than what I thought when he said elbow action.
16:17
I thought it was him just going to town on their elbows.
16:19
Yeah, I thought you were massaging the elbows.
16:21
Well, I get to that later.
16:22
Oh, you work your way down.
16:23
Yeah.
16:24
I start with the spine.
16:25
So it's best to massage every bone in the body.
16:29
All 206 of them.
16:31
So it's a very complete massage.
16:34
So I start with the spine and then by the end of it, I do work my way to the elbow.
16:38
And I'm just right on that elbow bone and I'm just twirling it around, you know, with
16:43
my finger.
16:44
I get my palm on there and I'll just start wiggling that around.
16:51
That tickled that one.
16:59
And if they get, if I see any kind of back talk, back sass about what I'm doing to that
17:04
elbow, I'll go ahead and just headbutt it real quick.
17:07
Headbutt the elbow or them?
17:10
The elbow.
17:11
Okay.
17:12
Just to make sure that they're getting the feeling that they need out of this massage.
17:16
And that feeling is pain because if they don't buy what I'm selling, that's just the start.
17:22
Now I have a question about Alan.
17:23
Why did you, why did you find that so funny?
17:26
What, give me the breakdown of what, why that tickled you so much.
17:29
I don't know.
17:30
Just the, uh, just the motion on the elbow.
17:34
Just, I don't know.
17:35
I just, I just found a humorous.
17:36
Fun fact.
17:37
It's called the olecranon right there.
17:40
The olecranon of the humerus.
17:42
That's a transformer.
17:43
You can't convince me otherwise.
17:45
I'm pretty sure a bunch of those blew up in the storm the other night.
17:50
That's why everybody's power went out.
17:53
Okay.
17:54
Well, Evan, what are you selling to get to the point where you are, I'm not going to
18:01
say physically assaulting these people, but you know, gray area.
18:04
Borderline.
18:05
Yeah.
18:06
This is a consent heavy episode, I think.
18:08
Yeah.
18:09
Or lack of consent.
18:10
It's a consent heavy podcast.
18:12
Um, but what I, what I would be selling and what people would be buying is time shares.
18:20
Oh, nice.
18:21
All the time shares, but not for like good locations.
18:24
They will be for places like Siberia, um, like deep in the Russian Arctic.
18:30
Yeah.
18:31
Maybe somewhere in the African desert, just like a little hut out there.
18:35
I'll sell a time share for that.
18:37
Yeah.
18:38
So what's your, what's your sales record?
18:39
What's the worst record you can have?
18:41
Zero.
18:42
I'm below that.
18:43
I'm at like negative two.
18:44
People have sold you time shares?
18:45
I keep buying more time shares.
18:49
So I'm looking, I'm looking to go on vacation here in the next couple months.
18:56
Yeah.
18:57
Sure.
18:58
Where are you trying to go?
18:59
So Evan stop trying to touch his elbows.
19:00
Get your, get your hands off my elbow.
19:02
He's a willing participant in this sale.
19:04
You don't have to.
19:05
Just keep talking.
19:06
Okay.
19:07
We'll see where this goes.
19:08
I'm looking, I'm looking to go, uh, go to central Ohio, maybe in the Akron area.
19:14
Um, what's, uh, do I have a property for you?
19:18
What's the, what's that place look like?
19:19
I got a nice little chateau out there.
19:22
It's about 500 square feet of purest American Ohio suburb.
19:28
You have maybe two feet of lawn.
19:31
Um, not a good view.
19:33
You look, as soon as you look out, there's a concrete plant in your backyard, your neighbors
19:38
right?
19:39
But it up against you.
19:40
I think by concrete plant, he just means a statue, but he doesn't know the name.
19:44
He doesn't know the word statue, so he just calls it a concrete plant.
19:47
Yeah.
19:48
It's like they grow out of the ground and they're concrete.
19:51
You know what I'm talking about?
19:52
So, so are you trying to sell him somebody's like woodshed in Ohio right now?
19:57
500.
19:58
Is there, is there a lawnmower in this?
20:00
Yes or no?
20:01
No.
20:02
Oh man.
20:03
That's tough.
20:04
Oof.
20:05
No.
20:06
He didn't say yes, but he's kind of said yes.
20:07
Do you know the old theory about the boat, whatever that theory is called?
20:12
No, tell me.
20:13
We don't know the old theory about the boat.
20:14
Tell me about the boat.
20:15
I forget what it's called.
20:16
The Titanic, right?
20:17
It's weird that you brought it up.
20:18
Yeah.
20:19
But the one where if you replace so many things on it, when does it stop being the original
20:24
thing?
20:25
Yeah.
20:26
Yeah.
20:27
Yeah.
20:28
Yeah.
20:29
So originally there was a lawnmower in it, but the lawnmower is so old now and they replaced
20:30
basically every part on the lawnmower.
20:33
So is it still that original lawnmower?
20:35
It's still a lawnmower though.
20:37
Ooh.
20:38
Was that what you asked?
20:39
Yeah.
20:40
And what, like what's this, what's this ship theory about?
20:47
I think, I think Evan just gave the most political answer to a question I've ever heard.
20:52
Joe Biden and his staff would love Evan just to write answers to the questions he might
20:57
get.
20:58
I think, I think Joe Biden's the only person that could make any sense of that.
21:02
Joe Biden gets it.
21:03
Joe Biden, if you're listening right in, tell us.
21:05
Do you get that?
21:06
Oh, hey, we have a producer now.
21:08
Hey Patrick, what's that?
21:09
Look up what that ship theory is called.
21:12
You know, can we get that?
21:13
Oh, it's the ship of Theseus.
21:15
That's the one.
21:16
Yeah.
21:17
Yeah.
21:18
We got that at the same time.
21:19
So you get your record of closer, not from the fact that you close sales, but you buy,
21:25
you buy things from these people.
21:27
I say things that I don't mean all the time.
21:30
Or that he probably remembers.
21:33
Yeah.
21:34
No, my, my issue is that one, I don't, I'm not good at standing up for myself too.
21:40
You do seem to drag yourself by your arm.
21:42
Absolutely spineless.
21:43
Yeah.
21:44
I had the backbone of a chocolate eclair.
21:46
Yeah, we've heard that.
21:48
And the other issue is that I have a terrible judgment on who to sell to.
21:54
So I go to real estate companies trying to sell them time shares and then they back me
21:59
into a corner where I have to buy a time share.
22:02
You know how that goes.
22:03
You're massively dead, aren't you?
22:04
Yeah.
22:05
Yeah.
22:06
No, I'm drowning.
22:07
That is sad.
22:08
The podcast is not going to help you.
22:09
It has not yet.
22:10
Not because, not because we're holding funds, because it makes no money.
22:13
Yeah, no, this is not as good of an investment as I thought it would be.
22:19
Oh, well as a salesman and as somebody that wants to sell you things, my tactic when I
22:25
come up to the door is to pretend that I have schizophrenia and also trying, trying to convince
22:31
people that there's a ghost behind them and their house is haunted.
22:35
So I will go up to their house.
22:36
I'll knock on the door.
22:38
They'll come to the door and instead of talking to them, I will just silently whisper and look
22:43
behind them and they'll look behind them and go, what was that?
22:46
I'm like, oh, nothing, nothing.
22:47
And then I'll start my pitch.
22:49
Inevitably I'll get into the house and then slowly I will pull out one of those.
22:53
The ghost hunters might have them.
22:55
It's like a Geiger counter, but it's, it's, I'm trying to sense the temperature of areas
23:01
to see if there are spirits in the house and I will walk around and I'll just say cryptic
23:06
things like you have somebody in here that we can't see.
23:09
Are you still doing your pitch at this point?
23:11
No, I've just gotten into the house to find ghosts.
23:13
So you're just a ghost hunter.
23:15
I didn't know if you're walking around scanning things and you're like, yeah, and if you sign
23:19
up now, we can give you a great deal.
23:21
Well, man, I'm, you know, this one out of here.
23:25
That's great.
23:26
And ghost hunters, a hundred percent correct.
23:27
Cause I wear camouflage and carry around a rifle.
23:29
Oh.
23:30
So you're trying to shoot ghosts.
23:32
Yeah.
23:33
Which I gotta say, schizophrenic ghost hunter does seem like a conflict of interest.
23:38
How having schizophrenia?
23:40
Yeah.
23:41
Also trying to hunt ghosts.
23:42
You would just always see ghosts.
23:44
Sounds like a successful ghost hunter to me.
23:46
Well, you never kill any though.
23:48
Well, yeah, I leave the house and the poor people have a bunch of holes in the wall from
23:52
the shots of fire.
23:53
What kind of ghosts do you see?
23:56
They're the dead spirits of McDonald's workers.
23:58
Okay.
23:59
So they have their visors and little McDonald's polos on and that's what, that's what kind
24:04
of what I'm hunting for.
24:05
It's my big game.
24:06
If you see any dead, uh, 90s McDonald's mascots.
24:10
Yeah.
24:11
Like Grimace and the Hamburglar.
24:12
Grimace one is very scary.
24:14
I legitimately, if I saw the ghosts of Ronald McDonald, it would freak me out.
24:18
I think all of them even alive would be scary.
24:21
I don't even think they have to be ghosts.
24:23
Yeah.
24:24
No, all of them, but it's seeing them as ghosts is just that much more scary, you know, and
24:27
a lot of the times the people will be like, I'm going to save my money for the time being.
24:32
And I'm like, who?
24:33
And they're like, what?
24:34
And I'm like, is he here with us now?
24:36
And they're like, who?
24:37
I said, the time being is he here with us?
24:42
So wait, do you, and you may have said this already, but I just want to make sure you
24:46
immediately go into the ghost thing.
24:48
You don't even try to sell them on what you're selling.
24:51
No, I'm just, I'm just kind of going up the door, kind of peering into the house as if
24:57
I'm watching somebody walk around.
24:59
They turn their head to turn around to see what I'm looking at.
25:01
I sneak in right through.
25:03
Okay.
25:04
Yeah.
25:05
So I'm in their house.
25:06
They're confused.
25:07
I'm whispering to myself, to all the voices that are in my head with the multiple devices
25:11
I have, I'm saying, if you're here, give me a, give me a sign.
25:16
And you know, what are you selling?
25:18
Vacuums, you know, great power.
25:20
They never lose suction.
25:21
They're like, what are you doing?
25:22
And aren't you going to sell me the vacuum?
25:24
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.
25:25
I'm going to try it out and I'm still just wandering around the house, feeling on walls,
25:29
seeing if there's hollow spots behind it.
25:30
I find a hollow spot, punch the wall, put a hole in the wall, see if there's something
25:33
behind it.
25:34
That's funny.
25:35
When most people knock on the wall, they're looking for a stud, but you're looking for
25:37
the hollow point.
25:39
I'm looking for the hollow points.
25:41
And I don't mean the bullets that I carry.
25:42
I also carry hollow points.
25:44
I carry hollow points also.
25:46
I was going to say the studs that Alan looked for in the wall, those are male horses that
25:52
you're trying to break.
25:53
Well, the ghosts of them.
25:54
I'm trying to find those type of studs as well.
25:56
I'm finding the hollow points, but I'm also looking for studs.
25:59
Okay.
26:00
And that is just dead buff beefy men.
26:04
For the ghosts of dead buff beefy men.
26:07
Goodness.
26:08
Yeah.
26:09
So is the vacuum cleaner that you have, is that like some sort of a ghost busting technology?
26:14
No, it's just a vacuum.
26:15
So it is a legitimate vacuum.
26:17
I have to have a job.
26:18
Just oric and gel.
26:19
That is legitimately my job.
26:21
I get distracted, the voices in my head are like, there's somebody here.
26:25
And I'm like, I guess I got to figure that out.
26:27
Have you ever successfully killed a ghost?
26:30
Which I know that makes no sense because they're already dead.
26:33
And they're not real.
26:34
But you're carrying around a gun trying to hunt them.
26:37
So I'm just meeting you where you're at.
26:40
I have not.
26:41
And I thought about changing my tactics a little because, you know, the definition of
26:44
insanity is trying something over and over again, expecting the different result.
26:48
And schizophrenia.
26:49
Schizophrenia is not a problem.
26:51
In my case.
26:52
It keeps me very occupied.
26:53
No, sure.
26:54
You know, there's no person that believes ghosts exist more than a person that probably
26:59
is schizophrenic.
27:00
Yeah.
27:01
Okay.
27:02
Really knock off the probably on there.
27:04
Yeah.
27:05
For sure.
27:06
And I also think that people kind of let me into the house mostly because I have a gun,
27:10
which tends to be a good way to get people to do what they don't want to do.
27:13
Yeah.
27:14
Especially when you're like waving it around, pointing it at different areas in their house.
27:18
Just taking a pop shot.
27:19
Essentially, it's just a home invasion.
27:23
Just a little light being.
27:25
It is a home invasion, but their home's already been invaded by ghosts, by spirits.
27:29
And I'm there just to kind of capture.
27:31
But as a schizophrenic person, I don't know that you're, that you're qualified to even
27:34
assess the situation.
27:35
I, I'm the one, I'm the only one that see the ghosts.
27:38
I'll capture one hog tie it.
27:41
The people, the people just see me tying up nothing in their floor and I throw it up,
27:45
throw that ghost over my back and I leave.
27:47
Say successful hunt.
27:49
Okay.
27:50
Yeah.
27:51
Now you're selling these vacuums.
27:52
Are these vacuums?
27:53
I'm not selling many vacuums.
27:54
Yeah.
27:55
When you're attempting to sell these vacuums, are these vacuums from this century?
27:58
Like, or are these like nineties, Auric XLs that you found in a warehouse that may or
28:02
may not work anymore?
28:03
How did you just pull out Auric XL?
28:06
Like you just pulled, you just pulled out the model.
28:08
Do you know vacuums well?
28:10
But specifically very dated vacuums.
28:13
I've been through those, a few of them in my time.
28:16
Everyone has a weird niche that he enjoys instead of like stamp collecting or bird watching,
28:20
he just tries to collect old vacuums.
28:21
I've used a bunch and let me say an Auric XL stands the test of time.
28:27
And this episode is sponsored by Auric.
28:29
No, I don't sell a lot of vacuums.
28:32
I kind of have the original vacuum that I got to sell and I just kind of take it around
28:36
the house to the house.
28:37
Eventually somebody's going to buy it, but I am starving and I'm homeless.
28:41
So if anybody wants to give me money, but I, Hey, I'm starving and homeless, but I'm
28:45
not alone because of all the ghosts.
28:47
That's sure.
28:48
Sure.
28:49
Yeah.
28:50
You got that going for you.
28:51
You got that going for you.
28:52
You know, not lonely.
28:53
So our next hypothetical is if you were to get into a car accident, a fender bender,
28:59
how would you handle the whole exchange process with the other driver?
29:04
So you know, you get into a car accident, you get out, you exchange car insurance, you
29:09
know, you talk about what happened.
29:10
How do y'all normally handle that situation?
29:13
Normally no matter whose fault it is, whether it's my fault or my fault, I break out my
29:20
Candyland set and I challenge them to a game of Candyland.
29:26
Whoever wins, it's not their fault.
29:28
Whoever loses, they cause the car accident.
29:32
Do you break out a table with the board game or just kind of play on the hood?
29:36
I'm going to say I break out a table.
29:37
I think I'm, I think I'm the kind of guy that travels with a table.
29:41
Okay.
29:42
So maybe like a, maybe a Candyland costume or something.
29:44
Yeah.
29:45
Do you dress up in the little like pink dress and maybe a little white apron?
29:48
Yeah.
29:49
Yeah.
29:50
Like a candy striper kind of situation.
29:52
Do you get out in the dress or do you have to change once the whole game is initiated?
29:56
Well, I have to, I have to change once it's begun.
29:59
I don't leave the house thinking I'm going to be in a car accident.
30:02
I just come prepared in case I am.
30:04
The amount of car accidents you're in, it does seem like you leave the house being prepared.
30:07
I don't get very far.
30:10
I see you just right outside of your driveway playing Candyland with a random stranger.
30:15
Yeah.
30:16
I thought you were just really into Candyland.
30:18
That guy's not a stranger.
30:19
That's my dad.
30:20
He's homeless.
30:22
I think you love Candyland so much that you purposely get in a car accident.
30:26
It's just to have somebody to play Candyland with.
30:28
Yeah.
30:29
Sometimes I walk really slow in front of fast cars.
30:32
Oh no.
30:33
You know, like I just, I kind of, I kind of make myself fall in front of traffic and it's
30:38
not my fault.
30:39
It's definitely their fault, but I want to challenge them so that I can prove that I'm
30:43
good at Candyland.
30:44
Wait, you will, you're getting hit by cars or you're driving your car into other people?
30:48
I mean both probably.
30:49
Okay.
30:50
Just whatever it gets you to play Candyland.
30:51
Sure.
30:52
Why not?
30:53
We're already here.
30:54
Do you ever like hustle the other drivers?
30:55
Like you, you, or like, yeah, you break it out and you're like, all right, we're playing
31:00
Candyland to see who's at fault.
31:01
And they're like, Oh, I don't really want to do this.
31:03
Don't really play the game.
31:04
And you're like, Oh yeah, me either.
31:06
I just, you know, I just have it in my car.
31:09
I'm like putting on, I'm putting on the costume and I'm like, I don't really play it very
31:13
often.
31:14
And then they finally agree to it.
31:17
And then you blow them out of the water because you play it nonstop or are you not good at
31:21
it at all?
31:22
I mean, I play it nonstop.
31:24
I'm in a lot of, uh, competitive leagues.
31:26
Um, I do it, do it in my free time.
31:29
I've got some, uh, online profiles, uh, some where I play Candyland.
31:34
I'm playing Candyland right now.
31:35
Yeah, he is.
31:36
Going up the ladders and going down the slides.
31:40
I'm playing under the table with Patrick right now.
31:42
You just, you just can't see the board.
31:45
I didn't know you got into a wreck earlier.
31:47
Patrick was pulling up and Helen slim right into the back of it.
31:55
He saw Patrick slowing down.
31:57
I knew that I was going to have to be here for a while and I was like, well, I might
32:00
as well be doing something fun.
32:01
You know?
32:02
Let me get into a wreck so that I can play some Candyland or while we're here.
32:09
How often does it work out where they accept the ruling of the Candyland?
32:12
You know, once you, let me take, once you pin somebody into a six game streak of, of
32:19
Candyland, they're doing anything they can to get out of that.
32:23
He's like, let's go again.
32:24
Let's go again.
32:25
We got to roll again.
32:27
And when they try it, when they, when they're, when they try to gather like, no, man, I
32:31
got to go, I start like rubbing my neck and I'm like, oh man, you ran into me.
32:36
That kind of hurts.
32:38
And then they kind of, well, I guess I'll, I guess I'll play again.
32:42
So you just wear them down.
32:45
Yeah.
32:46
Yeah.
32:47
You're like, oh, that car is looking a little worse than when I first looked at it.
32:51
You know, I may have to file a claim on this one.
32:57
One last question I have for you here, Alan, what happens when it is a life threatening
33:03
wreck and they are pinned in their car, like jaws of life have to be deployed.
33:08
Do you like poke your head in through the window?
33:11
They're dangling upside down with their arms over their head and you're like, you don't
33:14
play Candyland for it.
33:18
I've got, uh, I've got a magnetic board where I can turn it upside down to fit whatever
33:22
position they're in.
33:23
Um, so I, I just kind of crawled in through the window, sort of on all fours.
33:29
I find out exactly where they're at and what position turn the board upside down.
33:34
We've got, we've got ourselves a game going.
33:37
The guy's losing blood and a little lightheaded and you're like, no, no, we got to finish
33:43
the firefighters come up and you're like, so we're going to use a jaw life to get this
33:46
man out.
33:47
And you're like, wait a second, hold on, hold on one second.
33:50
We're kind of in the middle of something here.
33:52
Back it up.
33:53
It was a promise land.
33:54
You say, Mr. firefighter Candyland is life.
33:58
Sometimes when, uh, when, if the fireman, you know, insist on getting him out of there,
34:03
um, I'll just sort of follow alongside the gurney, um, with the Candyland board.
34:10
I get into the back of the ambulance, you know?
34:14
And then sometimes if they die, then I'll have to, in the game is not finished.
34:19
I will have to go to the funeral and I'll have to play the widow or the widower.
34:26
Nobody's safe.
34:28
Nobody is safe.
34:29
Somebody has to be a fault for the accident.
34:31
And exactly.
34:32
Yeah, I get it.
34:33
Now I've, I've, I've seen you and I've heard that a lot of times when these fatal car accidents
34:37
happen with you involved, that you will sometimes go crack open the coffin that they're buried
34:42
in just to make sure they actually died and they're not trying to get away from you in
34:46
the Candyland game.
34:47
Yeah, I, I a hundred percent do that.
34:50
There were a lot of people that say I'd kill to get out of this.
34:54
That means they'll die to get out of it.
34:55
And so I'm thinking, okay, well they might kill themselves to get out of this.
34:59
Uh, so what I do is I kind of go over there.
35:01
I peek into the coffin and what I do is I kind of just punch them, start punching them
35:08
in the throat because if there's one thing I know about human beings, it's that if they're
35:15
alive, they'll react to a throat punch.
35:20
Now 10 or 15 throat punches, you finally, you finally send up straight sweat and you
35:24
go, nah, I think they're dead.
35:25
And you kind of walk away.
35:28
Their family behind you is terrified looks, terrified looks in their eyes.
35:32
Everybody except for their significant other who's currently playing me in a game.
35:37
Oh man.
35:39
Well, trying to get into more car accidents.
35:42
I don't know.
35:43
Yeah.
35:44
I don't know.
35:45
I hadn't played a game in a minute here, so I may, I may get in one of the way home.
35:49
Literally.
35:50
You all just ended.
35:51
We just ended.
35:52
Yeah.
35:53
Yeah.
35:54
Patrick owes me $50.
35:55
Oh, you bet on it too.
35:56
You hit it hard.
35:57
I think Patrick is just throwing a silly goose.
36:01
I don't think he, I think he's just standing up for himself.
36:05
All right, Evan, you get into our car accident.
36:08
How are you handling the interaction?
36:10
Oh, I think what I'm doing, I've been doing this for years, but you know, you get into
36:14
the accident, you get out, you assess the damage, you make sure they're okay, whatever.
36:19
And then you start handing over your proof of registration and your license and whatever
36:24
just to make sure that they have it.
36:27
And so instead of my license, I don't want them to, I don't want it to be so easy for
36:30
them to know who I am, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
36:33
Because I like my privacy.
36:34
You know, who doesn't?
36:35
I don't like to be tracked online.
36:36
Information's power.
36:37
Yeah, exactly.
36:38
So I just start handing them random pictures of my family members, just like, oh, here's
36:45
a picture of my grandfather.
36:47
Oh, you tell them it's your grandfather?
36:49
No, I don't.
36:50
I just hand them a picture, but just so you know what I'm handing.
36:53
So they asked for license and registration and you hand them a picture of your granddad?
36:56
Yeah.
36:57
Like in a frame?
36:58
Yeah, yeah.
36:59
Like a fully framed picture.
37:00
And they're like, this is a picture of someone that looks nothing like you.
37:05
Well, vaguely he looks like you.
37:06
Yeah, like in 40 years maybe.
37:08
Yeah.
37:09
But he's much older than you.
37:10
And I'm like, yeah, that's it's a great picture, isn't it?
37:12
Yeah.
37:13
And they're like, can we have your license?
37:14
I'm very mature.
37:15
They're like, can we have your license though?
37:18
And I'm like, okay, yeah, sure, sure.
37:19
So I hand them a picture of my mom.
37:22
I'm like, here you go, officer or other person, whoever it is.
37:26
You don't really care.
37:27
You'll hand it to anybody.
37:28
You got into a car wreck with a police officer?
37:30
Yeah, often.
37:33
So I just go through that for about, I don't know, until they get mad.
37:37
Then what?
37:38
Then, you know, I make a run for it.
37:40
You just leave the scene?
37:43
Yeah.
37:44
You go through a lot of cars.
37:45
I do, yeah.
37:46
Like a new car every week.
37:47
Yeah.
37:48
And got a lot of warrants out for my arrest because I never stay at the scene for too
37:51
long.
37:52
Yeah.
37:53
You do it.
37:54
You literally do a hit and run.
37:55
Yeah.
37:56
I thought like hit and run was kind of like a, it was like a workout.
37:59
Wait, did you sign up for a workout class?
38:02
Yeah, it was called a hit and run.
38:04
Yeah.
38:05
So you've been running into cars.
38:06
Yeah.
38:07
I did that because I missed the class whenever I did sign up for it.
38:11
But I heard about it.
38:12
It sounds like you miss every class.
38:15
The first one's probably a pretty key class where you learn exactly what a hit and run
38:18
is.
38:19
Yeah.
38:20
So you hit them, you get out of the car.
38:21
I hit them and I start running.
38:22
Yeah.
38:23
Because I figured that's what else could that be, right?
38:25
Right.
38:26
You start checking your pulse as you're talking to the poor person that you hit and you go,
38:28
I got to get above a 170 heart rate here.
38:30
You just take off.
38:31
Yeah.
38:32
I start running.
38:33
You have your dumb like sweat bands on your wrist and leg warmers like you're a 70s aerobics
38:40
instructor.
38:41
But it's hit.
38:42
So I only run, I only sprint for like maybe, you know, 30 seconds and then I walk for 30
38:46
seconds and then I'll sprint for 30 seconds.
38:48
So they can probably catch up to you pretty easily then.
38:50
Depends on if they can sustain a run.
38:52
Okay.
38:53
Because Evan's in great shape because of his hit and run.
38:55
If you're only running for 30 seconds at a time, I think they can probably sustain that.
38:59
Well, I'm walking for the other 30.
39:01
Kind of like, it's like a yo-yo effect.
39:04
They catch up, he runs, they catch up, he runs.
39:06
Yeah, you know.
39:07
It looks like he's teasing them.
39:08
Yeah.
39:09
Hit and run.
39:10
It makes sense.
39:11
High intensity training and run.
39:12
Yeah, exactly.
39:13
I can see where you got confused there.
39:16
You can see how that could be confusing.
39:17
Yeah.
39:18
Because now they're making it out like there's some law against it, which I don't understand
39:22
that.
39:23
I'm just working out.
39:24
Yeah.
39:25
Or is it illegal to work out these days to be healthy?
39:27
Exactly.
39:28
That's what I'm saying.
39:29
Like arrest me.
39:30
I'm not.
39:31
My bad for trying to lose weight.
39:32
People these days.
39:33
But you look great.
39:34
Very in shape.
39:35
Thank you.
39:36
Thank you.
39:37
Yeah.
39:38
Yeah.
39:39
Which makes me question how many hit and runs you've done.
39:41
Yeah.
39:42
Speaking of, do you have a spare car?
39:44
He needs his car to actually play Candyland.
39:47
But if you want to do sort of a carpool situation, we can get a game going.
39:51
You know?
39:52
Might be down.
39:53
I'm a little rusty at the candy game, but.
39:54
He doesn't even know the title of it.
39:57
He calls it the candy game.
39:58
I worry you've never played it before.
40:02
We may be thinking of different games.
40:04
I don't think that Candyland is a very hard game to grasp.
40:07
I think you'll probably pick it up pretty easy.
40:08
He's already trying to talk you into it.
40:11
Well, interesting.
40:13
Here's how I handle that interaction.
40:15
I get into a car accident.
40:17
We get out.
40:18
We start exchanging information, but quickly while they're looking away, I go and get into
40:21
the passenger seat of their car and I pretend that I have been there the entire time.
40:26
I pretend that I know them on a personal level.
40:28
I might even pretend to be their wife or husband.
40:31
I will pretend that I have been with them for years.
40:35
So they'll see me disappear, go back to the car, sit down and I'm sitting there.
40:39
They're like, whoa, you know, as you might with a stranger.
40:42
And I'm like, aren't we still going to the grocery store?
40:45
Aren't we still going home?
40:46
And I will gaslight them to the point where they believe that maybe he has been here the
40:51
whole time.
40:52
Yeah, you know, that's a good idea.
40:55
Like if you were pretending to be their wife, you could say things like I told you not to
40:58
turn out so fast.
41:00
Yeah, yeah.
41:01
You shouldn't.
41:02
You shouldn't try to rush that yellow light.
41:03
Yeah.
41:04
Getting into these situations.
41:05
Yeah, nag them really hard.
41:07
I agree.
41:08
I told you they were breaking.
41:09
Then I just for the rest of their lives, I'm just in it with them.
41:13
So you're fully committed.
41:14
I'm fully committed to the bit because if I am not, I will.
41:17
I don't have insurance, so I will have to pay for the damages completely on both vehicles.
41:21
So it's cheaper for me personally, just to be in their lives as significant others and
41:27
friends.
41:28
So what happens when, let's say, you get in a wreck with another guy, you pretend to be
41:33
the wife.
41:34
Sure.
41:35
You guys get home and he already has a real life wife.
41:38
Yeah.
41:39
What happens when when that situation inevitably comes up?
41:42
Like the cuckoo bird will do with its young eye.
41:45
And for people that don't know what a cuckoo bird is, basically they lay an egg in another
41:48
bird's nest.
41:49
The cuckoo bird baby hatches, pushes the other eggs out of the nest.
41:53
And then that bird that is not the cuckoo bird raises the baby cuckoo bird.
41:56
And that's what I will do.
41:57
I will shove this woman outside of her house and then pretend to be a bird in this person's
42:03
house.
42:04
Is that why you've been pushing women over here recently so that you can practice for
42:09
when you have to shove this woman?
42:11
You know, practice makes perfect.
42:12
And I think you should practice how you play.
42:14
So every time I see a woman, I shove her down, I push her away from the area just so, you
42:19
know, I can get practice in shoving these wives out of the house so I can then take
42:23
on being the wife of the man.
42:25
OK, let's flip this around.
42:27
You're the man in the situation.
42:29
How do you go home and get rid of this woman's real husband?
42:33
I throw him a sword and I say, let's duel for this position.
42:37
And we have a sword fight.
42:38
So much cheaper to do that rather than have to pay for all the car damages that I have
42:42
to go through.
42:43
So, Patrick, you better be careful if I run into your car at a later date, I will take
42:48
the place of your wife.
42:49
It's like she better watch out, not Patrick.
42:51
Yeah.
42:52
Patrick wins either way.
42:53
Thank you.
42:54
Because you're just such a great wife.
42:57
I'm a great wife.
42:58
I think I'd be a great wife.
42:59
But anyway, there you go.
43:01
There's some conflict resolution advice for y'all and there's some tactics to sell people
43:05
things if you happen to be a door to door self.
43:08
But all right, well, we have a couple of people that have written in that need life advice.
43:13
So let's bestow our wisdom on them, boys.
43:15
How can I help?
43:19
What can I do?
43:22
I want to do a nice thing for you.
43:23
I need help.
43:24
All right.
43:25
Our next advice comes from Juliet.
43:27
They say yesterday I witnessed a death.
43:29
It happened 35 hours ago and I haven't slept since.
43:32
Too scared to close my eyes.
43:34
Haven't eaten or drank anything.
43:35
I feel so weak, but every time I try to eat, I throw up.
43:38
I'm not going to go into detail, but a person jumped from a tall building.
43:41
The aftermath was horrifying.
43:43
I didn't know the human body could look like that.
43:45
The sound of the impact was indescribable.
43:47
I'm so on edge.
43:48
I jump every time someone closes the door too loudly and I'm not sure where to go from here
43:52
or why I'm writing this into you.
43:54
I just want the image out of my head.
43:56
I want the incident erased.
43:58
Advice would be appreciated.
43:59
First of all, Juliet, I'm highly offended that you would roast the person committing
44:03
suicide here saying you didn't know the human body could look like that.
44:06
Oof.
44:07
It's rough.
44:08
Yeah.
44:09
For somebody who didn't want to go into a lot of detail, you sure gave a pretty good
44:12
amount of detail.
44:13
I think there.
44:14
I, I, what was wrong with this person?
44:16
Were they fat?
44:17
Were they missing a leg?
44:18
Why don't you believe the human body could look like that?
44:20
Were they just ugly?
44:21
Just butt ugly?
44:22
Or were they just so fit?
44:24
You were like, I didn't, I didn't know somebody could look that fit.
44:26
I do apologize.
44:27
I guess, I guess you could have been complimenting them.
44:31
And maybe they jumped just to show her that, you know, a big body or, or a good looking
44:36
body falls at the same rate as any other.
44:39
Hey, that's physics.
44:40
Yeah, that's physics for you.
44:41
They just wanted to attest to physics.
44:44
Also, you state that the sound of the impact was indescribable.
44:47
What sound was that?
44:52
Was it like a cartoon horn, a duck and a rhino running through a wall all at the same time?
44:59
What sound is so crazy that is indescribable?
45:02
Sound like the slime from the Nickelodeon kids awards.
45:05
I was thinking the wind dixie horn.
45:09
Yeah.
45:11
What sounded so indescribable you can't describe it to us?
45:14
Yeah, what do you think she should do?
45:16
First of all, Juliet, the suicide was your fault.
45:20
And here's what you do next time.
45:22
Since you just seem to have a bunch of people commit suicide around you.
45:25
Here's what you do next time.
45:26
You ever see the movie Spider-Man where Mary Jane is falling from the building and Spider-Man
45:32
jumps off the building with them to save them?
45:34
I want you to do that next time you see this situation happening.
45:38
Be up on the building with them.
45:40
Jump down.
45:41
Grasp them and save them from falling.
45:44
Now there are multiple ways to do this and save yourself from hitting the ground.
45:48
I'll let you choose that unless y'all have any thoughts on maybe how they could.
45:52
I'd like to see how this one plays out.
45:53
Yeah, yeah.
45:54
Okay.
45:55
Let's see what they could come up with.
45:56
But you did answer my question on the issue.
45:58
It was if it was the Tobey Maguire's Mary Jane scene or the Andrew Garfield Mary Jane
46:04
scene.
46:05
Is the Andrew Garfield the Gwen scene?
46:06
That ends very differently than the Mary Jane scene.
46:09
It's a nice death.
46:11
The Tobey Maguire Spider-Man specific, what I'm thinking about.
46:14
Just be their hero.
46:16
Let them jump.
46:17
Don't stop them from jumping.
46:19
Push them if you have to.
46:20
When they see you, they'll be like, well, there goes my hero.
46:27
Sing that to yourself while you're falling.
46:29
And if you push them, that's all the better because then if they die, their family doesn't
46:34
get... They don't get the life insurance.
46:36
If you commit suicide, their family doesn't get life insurance.
46:38
Push them, it's a murder, they get the life insurance.
46:41
You go to jail.
46:42
They'll get caught.
46:44
But you get the life insurance and they get everything.
46:48
So that's my advice.
46:50
Let them jump.
46:51
Push them if you have to.
46:52
Save them while they're falling.
46:53
You become the hero.
46:54
And after you become the hero, maybe the images will get out of your head.
46:57
You won't feel as guilty.
46:59
That's my advice.
47:00
I would say, Juliet, you mentioned here, I'm on edge.
47:04
I jump every time.
47:07
Are you dealing with survivor's guilt that every time someone closes a door, you immediately
47:15
run to the edge of a building and try and jump?
47:19
Juliet, if I could talk you down off that ledge for a second.
47:25
I don't really know you.
47:27
You seem like a nice person.
47:29
You're riding into questionable detour.
47:31
You're a listener.
47:33
We don't want to see our listeners go that way.
47:36
If you're going to go, go some way cool.
47:38
Do a backflip.
47:40
I mean, drive a cement truck over a bridge.
47:47
Go nose dive into a volcano wearing sunglasses.
47:53
So your advice to Juliet is commit suicide, but in a cool way.
47:58
Yeah.
47:59
If you're going to go out, go out on top.
48:02
I mean, there's there.
48:04
There's well, I mean, that way, that way is boring.
48:07
That way you've literally we've seen somebody do that before.
48:10
You've seen somebody do it before, you know, just because their body looks indescribable
48:14
doesn't mean you have to.
48:16
You have to do that too.
48:18
There are a lot of other ways to go.
48:20
I think you could go by being stabbed by multiple pitchforks.
48:24
That'd be cool.
48:25
You know, let let a let a New England town think you're a witch.
48:32
Get a really big bonfire going.
48:34
And I mean like city center bonfire, music festival, poppin that bad boy.
48:39
So you're I mean, your advice wasn't unlike mine.
48:42
Jump.
48:43
Yeah, I think at the end of the day, I mean, I think I think that's a pretty good result.
48:48
She seems to not be handling it very well.
48:50
Yeah, you won't get better.
48:52
I don't have any advice on how to how to cope with suicide.
48:57
Just how to do it better.
48:58
Oh, man, that's good.
48:59
I enjoyed that.
49:00
Thank you.
49:01
Thank you.
49:02
All right, Evan.
49:03
What's your advice?
49:04
If I could piggyback off of YouTube, it's always good that we all come up with a kind
49:09
of similar advice because you know, it's legit.
49:11
Then, yeah, you know, it's the QD guarantee at that point.
49:14
That's right.
49:15
But if I could piggyback off the things you're saying, it's similar.
49:20
But Julia, what I what I had to say to you is you don't kind of like what Zach was saying
49:24
is you don't want it to happen again.
49:26
Right.
49:27
So if you're ever in the same situation, you want to be able to save that person.
49:31
Now, Zach actually said save a person.
49:34
I'm kind of saying the same thing, but I'm saying more of practice being in that situation.
49:40
So you want to get maybe 10 of your best friends, get them up on a ledge and then see how many
49:46
of them you can save.
49:48
Kind of like just do some test trials.
49:51
Yeah.
49:52
See what the best avenue what's most efficient.
49:54
See which ones hit the ground, which ones don't.
49:56
Yeah.
49:57
So are you jumping off with them or you may be employing a series of maybe nets or blow
50:02
up contraptions to maybe save them at the bottom?
50:05
You're essentially doing a real life egg drop here.
50:08
Yeah.
50:09
Yeah.
50:10
Well, you don't want to you don't want to go into a half cock because you don't want
50:12
to get into the real situation and it not be like practice.
50:15
Yeah.
50:16
You want to you want to be 100 percent sure you'll save the person.
50:18
Yeah.
50:19
So you don't want to practice with the whole cock.
50:22
Yeah, you don't want to go into it half cocked.
50:29
You want it whole cocked.
50:32
And so you don't want any nets or a little blow up.
50:37
So basically what you're saying is get 10 of your best friends, closest friends, push
50:42
them off of a tall building and see which suicide prevention method works the best.
50:47
Yeah.
50:48
And I think the best way you do this is the first five you do one by one.
50:51
So the first five you push one off and then you try to save him, see if it works.
50:56
You try something different, something more efficient on the second person than, you know,
50:59
as it goes by the to get the fifth person, see what works the best.
51:04
And then once you get to the last five, you push them all off at the same time and then
51:08
see if you can do the best, most efficient saving technique to get all of them.
51:12
I feel like if some method can save five people, you can definitely save one person.
51:16
Exactly.
51:17
So you can use prevention methods like the suicide hotline, like you dial the phone and
51:21
then push them off.
51:22
While they're falling.
51:23
Yeah.
51:24
See if they work.
51:25
See if they can talk to you off the ledge.
51:27
Then I just throw the phone down at them while they're falling.
51:30
I'm like, talk to the person.
51:31
Oh, they've already jumped.
51:33
Yeah.
51:34
Oh, okay.
51:35
Just to see if you can prevent it.
51:38
You know, do you maybe employ a bungee jump method?
51:41
Tie a rubber band, a large rubber band around the ankles.
51:45
I might let them jump, see if it snaps, see if it doesn't.
51:47
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's probably a temp number one.
51:50
Okay.
51:51
Um, and just, well, I thought Tim number one is maybe you tie the rubber band around their
51:55
neck and maybe you go, Oh, that didn't work.
51:56
Let's try it tighter on the other side of your body.
51:59
Maybe it worked too well.
52:02
How about this suicide prevention method, Evan?
52:05
You attack a bunch of magnets to their body.
52:07
So where they're falling, they slam right into the building from the magnetic attraction.
52:11
You think that'll work?
52:12
Yeah.
52:13
The only thing to do with that is they may still die from the impact, but the building
52:17
having their face slammed into the side of a building, that could be problematic.
52:22
What if, what's the, why you're testing it?
52:23
You're a whole myth buster situation.
52:25
Yeah.
52:26
You got to test these things.
52:27
What if about 10 floors below the roof, you rig a series of nets?
52:32
How do you think that would fare if they, if they jumped off the roof, do you think
52:35
the nets would catch or do you think they would just fly right through them?
52:38
You would have to test different type netting too.
52:39
Like maybe just one, be a yarn net.
52:41
Yeah.
52:42
You know?
52:43
I think it's a good idea to be classifying nets because if I'm putting like a, it could
52:47
be a large net, but have like a six foot gap between each one.
52:51
So it doesn't really ever catch anybody, but it's there.
52:54
Just kind of clothes lines them as they fall down.
52:55
But it's still technically a net and I could say, yeah, put a net down there.
53:00
So there's kind of a height requirement on that.
53:01
If it's six foot across, then you'd only want the tall people to fall on that net.
53:05
Yeah.
53:06
And they got to fall in a spread eagle position.
53:08
They can't fall like first.
53:09
Yeah.
53:10
That's tough.
53:11
But there you go, Juliet.
53:12
Three things, you know, uh, first one, save them, let them jump, push them if you have
53:17
to.
53:18
You save them before they hit the ground.
53:19
You become a hero.
53:20
You remove the guilt and the bad images from your head because you, you took a positive
53:25
spin on it.
53:26
Uh, Allen's was commit suicide yourself.
53:28
You don't have to deal with anything in life if you just kill yourself, but do it cool.
53:32
But do it cool.
53:33
Yeah.
53:34
Okay.
53:35
Suicide, but with flair.
53:36
And then finally, Evans was get your 10 of your best friends test which suicide prevention
53:42
method works.
53:44
And that way maybe you can help the next suicide you see.
53:47
But um, all right.
53:49
Any closing thoughts for episode 18?
53:52
18.
53:53
18.
53:54
Yeah.
53:55
Final thoughts.
53:56
What's one, what's one piece of wisdom, Evan, right now that you could give just one quick
53:59
piece of wisdom.
54:00
Maybe just like, uh, if you were to go up to a monk on a mountain in the Himalayas and
54:05
just a quick piece of wisdom, what would you give?
54:07
You can't hog tie a cow if you don't start with the feet.
54:11
Wow.
54:12
That is deep.
54:13
I think everybody needs to take that to heart.
54:15
This is coming from just Evan, a rancher extraordinaire.
54:19
Guys, you can't see this, but a cowboy hat just appeared on Evan's head.
54:24
About that time.
54:27
What yeah, what one goal should everybody have to conquer this week?
54:31
I want everybody to stop being afraid of heights.
54:37
I think it's such an easy thing to overcome.
54:40
And I think if you're not actively working at it, you're, you're pretty stupid.
54:45
Yeah.
54:46
And I think it's, it's, it's really easy.
54:48
Heights are not that big of a deal.
54:49
You just have to get over it.
54:50
Just walk up something that's tall.
54:52
Just, just if you, if you will just take one step at a time, it's not that difficult.
54:57
Yeah.
54:58
My thing is with heights, why are you afraid of falling?
55:00
If you fall, you're no longer high.
55:02
That's it.
55:03
That's exactly right.
55:04
A lot lower.
55:05
I think I'm just afraid of how high I can go.
55:08
I think my bar is too high.
55:11
Yeah.
55:12
You think so?
55:13
Yeah.
55:14
I think, I think the sun is blinding me from how high I can go.
55:18
I think I'm a star in this world.
55:21
I've been slowly putting on a rhinestone glimmering jacket right now.
55:26
I think I could be the next big thing.
55:29
Someone would just give me a chance.
55:31
Well, we've been trying that for 18 episodes.
55:33
You haven't, you have not become the next big thing yet.
55:36
I'm taking off.
55:37
It takes, it takes a while.
55:39
This platform is really Evan's, Evan's springboard to whatever greater thing he's going on to
55:46
in life.
55:47
Whatever stardom he decides to go to.
55:48
And that stardom is the world's greatest pork barbecue chef.
55:52
Okay.
55:53
Wow.
55:54
Everybody has their own goals.
55:56
But anyway, questionable detour podcast at Gmail.
55:59
You have a hypothetical, need some advice.
56:02
Your life can be better because of it.
56:04
But anyway, good episode boys.
56:06
You want to be done?
56:08
Yeah, sure.
56:09
Woohoo!
56:10
Good detour.