Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 228. I love him and I'm married BUT The SEX just isn't it 😢

Transcript

228. I love him and I'm married BUT The SEX just isn't it 😢 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoche production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, good morning, good afternoon, evening. Wherever you're listening,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: it is that time of the week. A bestie anonymous submission.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: This one's juicy. The episode name is I love him
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  Speaker 1: and I'm married, but the sex just isn't it? Oh girl?
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: All right, bring it in, Piata, let's get into it.
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  Speaker 2: I've been with my partner for almost four years, married
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  Speaker 2: for one and a half, and I'm having so many
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  Speaker 2: challenges with our intimacy. He is soft, kind, nurturing, and
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  Speaker 2: not your typical masculine man stereotype. Previous to this, I
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  Speaker 2: had a strong intimate connection with somebody else casually and
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  Speaker 2: they say comparison is the thief of joy, and boy
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  Speaker 2: is that correct. Four years on and I still find
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  Speaker 2: it challenging to not compare my intimate relations and I
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  Speaker 2: can feel and see that it's really taking a toll.
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  Speaker 2: How do I navigate this? I'm attracted to him, I
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  Speaker 2: love him. I am just struggling in the bedroom.
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  Speaker 1: Oh goodness, so she's comparing the sex with a previous
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  Speaker 1: situation ship. That's never a good idea. No, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can speak too much on
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  Speaker 1: this because I haven't been in the situation. Have you
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  Speaker 1: ever had this? I definitely have Okay to us, talk
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  Speaker 1: to us.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I just think it's never a good idea, and
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  Speaker 2: I know it's easier said than done, because naturally, when
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  Speaker 2: we've been with somebody, we naturally that's the context that
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  Speaker 2: we have. Is I experienced this and now I'm experiencing
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  Speaker 2: something different, and our mind goes, Okay, why is this
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  Speaker 2: different to what I've previously had? But what I would
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  Speaker 2: love and think that might be beneficial for you. But
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  Speaker 2: take this to the grain of salt. Is that you've
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  Speaker 2: been together for four years. You guys are comfortable, you
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  Speaker 2: know each other.
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  Speaker 1: It's a safe space. You can talk about.
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  Speaker 2: Things, bring things in, and communicate about it. It doesn't
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  Speaker 2: have to be like, you know, oh you're bad at this,
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  Speaker 2: or you know, bring up things that fluting might make
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  Speaker 2: him feel shameful. But can we forget the previous person?
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  Speaker 2: Or what you can do is you can look at
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  Speaker 2: that and go, Okay, what was I getting in that?
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  Speaker 2: That I loved so much and then come into this
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  Speaker 2: dynamic now and go, Okay, what is it that I
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  Speaker 2: feel like I am not getting from this that I
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  Speaker 2: would love to experience more of? And I think that's
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  Speaker 2: a really beautiful way to one kind of drop the comparison,
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  Speaker 2: make it about you instead of both of the men,
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  Speaker 2: and actually go, okay, cool, how can I create intimacy
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  Speaker 2: with my partner instead of making it about the physical
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  Speaker 2: art of sex?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? You know, it sounds like the one before her
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  Speaker 1: partner now was very masculine, So I'm assuming took a
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  Speaker 1: lot of leadership, was very assertive, like knew what he
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  Speaker 1: was doing, was very confident. You just got to lay
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  Speaker 1: back and like he just took lead, which is quite
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  Speaker 1: a turn on because we like to just switch our
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  Speaker 1: brains off and have the masculine hold the container and
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  Speaker 1: good sexual chemistry. Probably. Yeah, So with your saying your
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  Speaker 1: man now isn't your typical masculine man, I'm hearing that
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  Speaker 1: maybe he's a little bit more feminine, maybe a little
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  Speaker 1: bit more passive. Is that something I would be having
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  Speaker 1: a conversation around And is this just in the bedroom
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  Speaker 1: or is this outside of the bedroom as well? Are
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  Speaker 1: you the one paying the bills, Are you the breadwinner?
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  Speaker 1: Are you the one that has to handle the mental
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  Speaker 1: load of everything? Do you may have to make decisions?
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  Speaker 1: Are you planning the date nights? Because I think outside
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  Speaker 1: of the relationships, if that's happening, that's going to go
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  Speaker 1: then into the bedroom orreas outside of this is all
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  Speaker 1: being taken care of. I think intimately would be very
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  Speaker 1: very differently, absolutely high assumption.
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  Speaker 2: I've definitely had experiences where I've dated previously a more
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  Speaker 2: feminine man and then thought those things as well of
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  Speaker 2: being like, oh, well, I'm starting to feel a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more masculine.
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  Speaker 1: I think I lead a bit.
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  Speaker 2: More, I'm more.
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  Speaker 1: Polarity shifts.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the polarity shifts, and it's like, oh, that makes
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  Speaker 2: me feel a bit more masculine. Then that does lead
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  Speaker 2: into the bedroom because you're like, oh, well, now i
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  Speaker 2: feel like I'm kind of wearing the pants. So I'm
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  Speaker 2: curious to know if that's kind of coming up for
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  Speaker 2: you right now and if you feel like you are
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  Speaker 2: wearing the pants, because that's definitely going to shift the
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  Speaker 2: polarity and that also makes attraction decrease.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you actually really careful how you word things
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  Speaker 1: because you don't ever want to criticize him to create insecurities,
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  Speaker 1: because then it's going to be in the bedroom too.
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  Speaker 1: He's going to be like, she's not turned on by me,
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  Speaker 1: and it's it's not going to be good. But I
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  Speaker 1: would kind of lead it in a way that like
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  Speaker 1: see sometimes says that meno light dogs, pat pat pat
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  Speaker 1: lots of encouragement. Good boy, we want to do more
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  Speaker 1: of it. Praise us, appreciate us. So I know Steve
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  Speaker 1: loves verbal feedback when I tell him something feels good
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  Speaker 1: or something feels like, oh my gosh, I love it.
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  Speaker 1: When you left me the love note the other day,
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  Speaker 1: I was like, I love when you do that. He's like,
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  Speaker 1: makes you want to do it more, say in the bedroom.
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  Speaker 1: When he gets good feedback, he's like, she's enjoying this.
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  Speaker 1: I want to do more of this. He likes this,
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  Speaker 1: So instead of criticizing, it's like, oh my god, I
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  Speaker 1: was so don nom when you did that last time.
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, fucking more of that, babe. Yes, I think
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  Speaker 1: you're a king at that, Like no one's ever done
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  Speaker 1: it to me like that before. Get him pumped up,
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  Speaker 1: like just hype him up and encourage him and I
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  Speaker 1: reckon he'll lean more into that.
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  Speaker 2: Or if it's something that he's not already doing, you
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  Speaker 2: can also bring that in as well. Try you know
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  Speaker 2: what I was thinking It could ideally like after sex,
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  Speaker 2: like oh my gosh, because we're in the energy already
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  Speaker 2: and we've just been intimate or whatever. You know what
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  Speaker 2: I was thinking about the other day randomly I saw
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  Speaker 2: it on social media. Could even make it up about
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  Speaker 2: that and be like, you know what, I'd really love
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  Speaker 2: to try this. Do you think we can do that
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  Speaker 2: next time? And then like introduce him to it so
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  Speaker 2: that you can start to get what you want, because
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  Speaker 2: the reality is like, if you're not saying what you
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  Speaker 2: like and I'm saying yeah, that it's not good, he's
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  Speaker 2: probably thinking he's doing a great.
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  Speaker 1: Job because you're not saying anything yes, or.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe there's I don't know if you are, but is
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  Speaker 2: there a part of you that's pretending and trying to
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  Speaker 2: perform a little bit? Because I definitely have been there before,
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  Speaker 2: and it's a really slippery slope to get into because
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  Speaker 2: you don't want to make that person feel bad. But
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  Speaker 2: if they knew that you were doing that and you
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  Speaker 2: weren't happy, they wouldn't be happy. Men want to make
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  Speaker 2: women happy, and he wants to know that he's doing
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  Speaker 2: everything he can in his power to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: you are feeling pleasure, feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling desired,
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  Speaker 2: all of those beautiful things. He's going to want to
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  Speaker 2: know that he's doing that for you. And if he's not,
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure he would want to know. But there's a
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  Speaker 2: way to deliver it.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely, Like even if it's going down on you and
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  Speaker 1: his speed's too fast, I'd be like, oh, that's too fast, Like,
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  Speaker 1: oh I love it when you slow down, babe. Yes, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: is that cool he's going to slow down. Yes, they
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  Speaker 1: very much don't do that. No. I think they're very
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  Speaker 1: receptive though, to feed back when it's delivered in a
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  Speaker 1: nice soft way.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely for sure. So I'm just having to be more conversations.
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  Speaker 1: I liked how you said to think about what you
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  Speaker 1: were getting in the last that you're not getting here
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  Speaker 1: and just trying and bring that in and invite the
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  Speaker 1: mean and also flip it. Is anything you'd like me
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  Speaker 1: to do? Is anything that turns you on? I love
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  Speaker 1: that if I done when I dressed up, did you
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  Speaker 1: love it that time or is this something you fantasize
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  Speaker 1: or think about that we could try, Like, I want
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  Speaker 1: to hear it. I'm going to tell you what I want,
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  Speaker 1: You're going to tell you what you want. I love
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  Speaker 1: this because it's like both a two way conversation, Like.
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  Speaker 2: I just want to make sure that if there's anything
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  Speaker 2: I can do better, I want to be able to
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  Speaker 2: do better.
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  Speaker 1: Because imagine if he's feeling like you're feeling. What if
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  Speaker 1: he's comparing you to his last or maybe you're a
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  Speaker 1: vanilla girl and he had a spicy you know it's
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  Speaker 1: a good, super like crazy girl in the bedroom and
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  Speaker 1: he feels quite vanilla with you, but he doesn'tant to
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  Speaker 1: upset your feelings. Would you rather come to you or
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  Speaker 1: just like keep with vanilla sex and be a little
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  Speaker 1: bit not satisfied.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I think after four using a relationship, like, there's
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  Speaker 2: no time better than right now to be open and communicate. Yeah, Like,
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  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, you're in a team,
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  Speaker 2: you're together, you're choosing to do life together. Why would
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  Speaker 2: you want something like sex or intimacy to get in
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  Speaker 2: the way or a lack of communication to get in
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  Speaker 2: the way.
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  Speaker 1: And trust me, I get it.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot of sexual shame out there, and you know,
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to being in a relationship, exploring sex,
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  Speaker 2: exploring pleasure, exploring yourself, there's so much shame around it.
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  Speaker 2: So how about we try to remove the shame by
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  Speaker 2: creating a safe space to actually talk about it first
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  Speaker 2: without actually.
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  Speaker 1: Doing the act.
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  Speaker 2: So I think that will break down a few barriers,
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  Speaker 2: probably more so than what you think it will if
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  Speaker 2: you give it a chance.
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  Speaker 1: It's a shame that we've sold out of our product
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  Speaker 1: because it'd be so.
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  Speaker 2: Perfect, so good, pre start coming soon, so good.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I was just gonna say, I do think though, there's
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  Speaker 2: something in this previous thing that you are desiring more
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  Speaker 2: of or that you think is quote unquote not better
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  Speaker 2: but hits you in the right way emotionally. Actually, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: So I think looking at that and going, Okay, what
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  Speaker 2: is it about that that I desire? And what is
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  Speaker 2: the desire? Don't make it about the person, because it's
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: not about the person. It's about what you were gaining
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  Speaker 2: from that connection. And I believe how you felt in
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  Speaker 2: that dynamic, So how did it make you feel? What
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  Speaker 2: is that specific thing that you're looking for and craving
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  Speaker 2: and again, how can I bring this into this new
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  Speaker 2: dynamic now so I can make it better for the
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  Speaker 2: both of us.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, lots of conversations. I think some people just get
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: really scared to talk and ask questions. But we've done
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  Speaker 1: in a beautiful, playful, kind, respectful way. Read the room,
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  Speaker 1: don't criticize, encourage more of what they're doing, and be
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  Speaker 1: open about it. But also make it a two way conversation.
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  Speaker 1: It's not just about what you want. Also investigate what
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  Speaker 1: he wants, because yeah, he could be feeling like you'll.
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  Speaker 2: Feel, honestly, and the reality is, it's exactly what I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to say. If it's vanilla for you, it's probably
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  Speaker 2: vanilla for him too. Just not saying anything either.
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  Speaker 1: Not many men are going to be not open to
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  Speaker 1: exploring more and trying new things, wanting to do more
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  Speaker 1: to please do you. I think most men are pretty
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: pretty down for that. Yeah. Yeah, we hope the conversations, yeah,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: or conversations. So we hope this is helped and we'll
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: see you guys next Monday. We will Yes, bye guys. Bye,