Latest / Shouty Brain / #14: Minty 500
Transcript
- Trevor Holland: Hello, my name is Trevor Holland and welcome to Shouty Brain, the podcast by a late diagnosed Audi HD man on a voyage of discovery to find my people in a neurotypical world. Hope you're doing very well this week. I'm doing great. Thank you very much for asking. Now as you may have heard from social media, I'm on my own this week. as I said right at the beginning, I will occasionally do episodes by myself, and that's kind of by design and kind of not. The main reason for it this time is is quite simply I don't really have the social battery for interviewing anyone this week. And that's not to say that I don't love interviewing people, because I genuinely do. One of my favorite things since starting this podcast has been meeting new people w and, you know, hearing their stories, making new friends, which, you know, is is part of the kind of tagline of the podcast itself. It's is one of the main kind of dri drivers behind it. But it's not just about that, it's also about me having a space just to kinda I guess brain fart, just to I would say get things off my chest, but I wouldn't say necessarily I have anything to get off my chest at the moment. What's really important to me is that I'm consistent, right? Now this is episode fourteen, so fourteen weeks every Thursday without fail. I have uploaded an episode of a podcast. Now, as Sam Munster pointed out to me a few weeks ago, 80% of new podcasts don't ever make it to episode ten. So I've already beaten that and I feel like that's a victory against myself and my own flights of fancy and my own inability to maintain the momentum that I d that I build. So I think by head or high water at least at the moment and so far I will put out an episode of a podcast every single Thursday and that is hugely important to somebody like me, somebody like us, neurodiverse people, particularly those with ADHD, because one of our biggest enemies is momentum and consistency. We have brilliant ideas. We have plans, we we formulate plans to take over the world, to get rich, to get famous, to succeed in whatever capacity success actually manifests. But the problem isn't in the ideas, the problem is in the doing, the executive dysfunction, the the lack of focus, the the fact that we can fall away from the thing that we're passionate about so easily. We we have something that we really care about, but keeping a grip of that and holding on to it and keeping it going is one of the hardest things to do. Now for someone like me who is incredibly self-deprecating and at times incredibly insecure, the idea that at any given moment the thing that I love could just stop being important to me is terrifying and it's something that's happened time and time again. And so I try desperately to hold on to it, to keep it going. Because you never know when it's not when it's just not going to be there. Well and when we talk about it falling away, I'm not talking about just losing enthusiasm for it in in a kind of normal way like everybody does. It's A sudden complete lack of desire to continue doing the thing. It goes from this is the most important thing in the world to I could not give a flying fuck about this thing and I don't want anything to do with it ever again and I can't believe I ever cared about it. Which brings with it a lot of shame and embarrassment and and kind of self hatred. Because it's just a constant frustration of why can't I do the thing and why can't I keep doing the thing. This episode is gonna be a hugely rambling mess because I have planned loosely what I'm gonna talk about. But as with a lot of things, I find the best work that I do is when I fly by the seat of my pants because it gives me the opportunity to do things without it first going through the filter. of inevitably overthinking it and questioning it, second guessing it. That could be construed as laziness or lack of preparation, but for me I find the more I prepare for something, the more likely I am to get it wrong because I'll talk myself out of it. I'll do something that's gonna sabotage it. So I find that free flowing kind of flying by the seat in my pants, you know, improvised kind of vibe is is pretty much the best way to do things, however whether it actually makes sense in a in an episode format like this, we will see. So one of the things I wanted to address was, you know, not that I'm a complete social media wanker, but I've been trying really hard over the last, what is it, two or three months since since I've started doing this. being present on social media, my preferred social media platform is is Instagram for one reason or another. Facebook is a is a cesspool for the most part. Twitter slash X is fucking horrible. I haven't been on there for years. Snapchat is well that that eludes middle aged people. TikTok I find a little bit messy. Instagram I I feel nice and comfortable there. So I do most of my stuff social media wise. on there. And I I I try to be present. Most days I try to engage with with people, not necessarily just people that are commenting or engaging with with my content, but I like to you know keep my ear to the ground and see what other people are doing and engage with what they're doing. You know, with plenty of likes and comments and stuff like that. And I like to post as much as possible. I haven't yet managed to become fully fledged on Instagram to the extent where I can post several things every single day 'cause as Sam Munster put, I don't have the spoons for that. But over the last few days I've been acutely aware of the fact that I've been pretty much non existent on Instagram. And I thought I'd explain the reason for it. Because I am very much a kind of one thing at a time kind of guy. Which I'm sure most of us or most of you would would relate to. I'm all or nothing but all one thing and nothing of the other things. Because I just can't spread myself out particularly. I have one focus at a time and I can't really afford to give any attention to anything else because otherwise it will compromise my ability to do the main thing. And in this particular case, the main thing is something I've alluded to on previous episodes and those of you who have been with me since the beginning, you may have noticed either on my Instagram feed or at the end of one of my episodes, I can't remember which one now, but I mentioned a character I'd been working on called Minti five hundred. Okay. Now, if I tell you the genesis of this idea, you'll probably laugh. You might not, but I find it amusing. So I became aware of tardigrades probably a a couple a few months ago, these beautiful microscopic little creatures who are virtually indestructible, who look like kind of a mixture of caterpillar and teddy bear, who walk around just being amazing and and being as I said, almost indestructible. I found out that they can go months and months without eating and rather than dying, they kind of go into this state where they turn into a pebble basically and then come back to life. It it's it's it look I I'm I'm not I'm not a a naturalist. I don't know a huge I'm not an expert, let me just say it. But they are beautiful little creatures and they are awe inspiring because they're fascinating. And I came I became more aware of them when I bought a little plush cuddly toy for Sarah, my wife. and it it was it became a huge it's it's a beautiful little thing. And it's weighted on the arse. So it's it's almost it's like like I it's pitched as like a a kind of cuddle toy. Because it because it's weighted, it's hugely comforting to to hold it. It's not massive, it's probably about about this big. but it's this gorgeous little kind of light green tardigrade with eight little legs and this little it looks like an anus on his on his face as a mouth. And it's so gorgeous. And I gave it to Sarah to cheer her up one day. She hugs it constantly. And I and I do as well, to be honest, because it's a beautiful little thing. And his his name is Sage. And so I became, because of that, kind of fascinated with tardigrades. Around the same time, I started noticing when I was out on my daily walks a sudden kind of I don't want to use the word pandemic because it's kind of triggering, but I no I started noticing more and more Fiat five hundreds. That were this kind of minty green colour. I was out for one walk and I saw I must have seen about six or seven in the space of an hour. And suddenly I'm like, it's a there's a minty 500 over there. And it became a little game I was playing with myself. Like, how how many minty five hundreds can I spot? And then I became absolutely obsessed with them. So the combination of this minty 500, Fiat 500, and this little Cuddly tardegrade. I started calling the cuddly tardigrade Minty five hundred because he was kind of minty in colour. Now this is an incredibly boring story, I'm f acutely aware of that. But bear with me. And then I started thinking about this character, because as a segue, I go out for a walk every single day as part of the a way that I try to center myself because I I'm not all about strenuous exercise, not these days at least. But I I've I've mentioned it briefly previously. I lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years. I I I went from thirty-two and a half stone to fourteen stone. and I did that largely with just trying to get out and about. And it but it also helps to clear my head when I start my day with a walk because I can kind of get my ducks in a row so to speak. So when I walk a lot of the time I just go into these kind of streams of consciousness and I start thinking and planning and stuff. So I I I start formulating this little character called Minty Five Hundred, who's a little tardigrade, who, interestingly enough, like me, is autistic and kind of does his own thing. He does the things that bring him joy. Even though the other tardigrades in the world around him might not necessarily understand him. They might not appreciate him. He is unashamedly himself. He's kind, he's not selfish, but he'll do his own thing because he does what brings him joy. He doesn't hurt anyone else. He's basically minding his own business, but he's just doing the things that he loves, regardless of whether other people think they're weird. And then I started thinking this is an interesting character to create, not only from a neurodiversity point of view. But it's it's kind of a children's character for kids who feel a bit different but don't understand why and maybe they're a bit bullied or they feel like an outcast and I was thinking this little character, Minty Five Hundred, excuse me, could be like a positive affirmation character for kids and for adults. And you've probably seen from my Instagram these little kind of very rudimentary little animated shorts, these little reels that I would do. which is this is my face, I've got all the HD and I'm gonna tell you all about it. And it's just these very simple little line drawings talking about different situations I've been in that kind of illustrate what it's like to have autism as an adult. And I wanted to take that step further so I thought well if I if I create a kind of cartoon of of this character doing his own thing, being wonderful, being brilliant, being cute. It might bring some comfort to people and I could then take it further and I could create little shorts of you know, what what does Minty five hundred say about this? You know, little kind of the not necessarily daily, but this regular kind of this here's Minty being minty. How will this help people to feel less alone or less isolated? And then I started making a little song in my head about Minti five hundred. One thing led to another, and I think the main reason I'm telling you this story is because it really illustrates the the ADHD mind in action here. You know, going from buying a cuddly toy to spotting a green car to suddenly it's snowballing into this thing. so I started writing a song in my head initially. But then I sat down and actually wrote the song. I actually created a melody, I actually y played the digital instruments and created an actual full length like four minute song. Called into five hundred originally enough. And then I thought, well I need something to go with this. So let's make an animated music video for it. But guess what? I can't animate for shit. So I had to learn how to il how to animate. In a very basic, you know, kind of shonky way, but I've basically spent the last couple of months with every spare moment I could carve out for myself writing this song, writing this little story, this little self-contained four minute long video. And I finished it yesterday. Now, this could and probably will end up just being another one of those little things that I do that I get a lot of personal gratification from that doesn't necessarily lead to anything. But I really love this little character. I really love this little song and I really love this little video. Okay. So in the description slash show notes I'm gonna put a link to the YouTube video called Minty Five Hundred. And I'd love you all to watch it. Okay. I'm gonna release it on On the same day I'm releasing this episode of the podcast. Please give it a watch. Let me know what you think. And crucially, share it with people. Show it to your friends. Show it to your family. Show it your kids. Because it's a funny, cheeky, completely innocuous and harmless little video, but it's one that alludes to the feelings that come with being autistic, where you you are. You are your own person. You you y you you march to the beat of your own drum, but at the same time you occasionally crave being popular. And you'll tell yourself it doesn't matter and you don't care about whether people like you or not. But it does it's an itch you can't scratch where y you occasionally fantasise, I wonder what it would be like to be popular where everyone loves me and no one judges me. And that's kind of the journey that Minty goes on in this little song, so please watch it. as I said I'm gonna link it below and if my editing prowess is anything to go by, a clip is about to happen. So there you go, that's just a little bit of Minti500. As I said, the link to the full thing is gonna be in the description here. So check it out below, or to the side wherever it is, wherever you're watching or listening to it. But give it a watch, please do. And I'm gonna start kind of pimping it out on on Instagram and YouTube with little shorts and stuff like that. And I'm probably gonna start making these l little designs that I'm gonna put on my red bubble shop. I I want Minty five hundred to effectively become this kind of beacon of hope for for people like me. And I feel like this little character is a gift from present Trevor to little boy Trevor because I think little boy Trevor would have absolutely loved having someone like Minty to say, you know what, everything's okay. It's okay to be different. You don't have to worry about other people. Be kind to everybody, certainly. Be kind. Don't be selfish. Don't hurt anyone else. But don't allow yourself to be hurt by other people either. Just go through life doing the things that bring you joy and don't apologize for those things. Don't feel as though you need to explain those things or get validation from anyone else for doing those things. Do what makes you happy and everything will be okay. you know, it's a very simplified version of what life is for us, but anyway, I loved doing this project and it was a personal victory for me to have an idea, let it ruminate, percolate, whatever, let it grow naturally and organically, plan what to do with that idea. See it through, you know. As I mentioned, when when I was talking last week, when I was talking with Kevin Helton last week, we talked a little bit about reframing success and productivity, not through the lens of neuro a neurotypical person, but for us, what does success look like? What does productivity look like? And for a neurotypical person, having an idea, seeing it through and completing a project. It's par for the course, right? But but for for us, for me, so much of the battle is i is taking a thing that's in my head and turning it into something tangible. And not only that, but but keeping it going and finishing it to a point where I I'm I feel satisfied with the outcome. It's an absolute barnstormer of a of a victory for me. And I don't want to get emotional about it. But it's huge to s to say I'm gonna do a thing, do a thing, make it happen, finish that thing, and be proud of that thing. And it's honest to Christ, such a relief that I've done it. And I'm so happy with it. So I I'd really, really love you to to give it a look at. So I did say I was going to I did this little thing a few weeks ago where th the new format points that I've started doing with people, the two questions that I ask, one being if you could live in a universe from TV or film, where would that be? What would it be? And the other one being, if we could turn off your neurodiversity and turn you into a normie, would you take up take up that opportunity? And I've been getting some really interesting answers, but one of the things I asked was I put it out there to the listeners, to you guys to say that what universe would you live in if you could? Now, I got an answer that I really liked, but in typical style, I forgot who it was and what it was. So bear with, I'm gonna find it on TikTok. it was from. Wow, way. This is good content. Why didn't I fucking write this down, bro? Hardy How. Okay. Boston Boss. Boston Boss on TikTok said that he wants to live in the Avatar universe. And when I asked him why, he said that nature is in full control. Everything is connected. Symbiotic. Beautiful. Which I thought was great. So well done Boston Boss. You got your shout out. Very good answer. And you know, fat bit's not over. I still wanna get answers from everybody in terms of what you would do, where you would live. And I intentionally haven't answered the questions myself. And I think one day I will, I'll tell you what universe I would live in and I'll tell you whether I would turn my euro neurodiversity off if I could. But not yet. That's somewhere down the line I'm gonna tell you that. So A little bit of an update just in general as to how I've been doing. So you know, I was diagnosed, I got the autism diagnosis in in May. It's now September. And as I've talked about previously, I I did go through that initial, you know, roller coaster of emotion and a bit of a fallout. How am I doing now? Is a question you may be asking or not give a fuck about but either way I'm going to tell you because I have got a platform to do so. I've got a podcast now and I need to talk to st talk to people about shit. So that's what I'm doing. I'm doing really well. I tell you one thing though. I feel as though I am seconds away from being burnt out almost all the time. And most of that comes from the fact that I don't sleep very well. And I don't fucking know why I don't sleep very well. Now, I've kno I know from some of the research I've been doing that melatonin production can be somewhat inhibited in autistic people. Melatonin being the the hormone, I guess, that controls your body clock and regulates your sleep and shit like that. I've heard that that's a thing. my my GP at the moment is is looking into the possibility of me getting melatonin supplements. They're gonna speak to my autism assessment clinic to to see if that's a possible thing that I could do. I've started taking magnesium supplements because I've heard that they can help. I'd I don't know, but basically I have no problem going to sleep, but I have a very big problem staying asleep. So I'm I'm pretty much running on three hours sleep every day. Now. anyone who's got kids, which I don't, would probably tell you that three hours sleep is a good thing. it's it's what it's the norm. And that's fine, whatever. However much sleep you need to function is is whatever. But but for me I feel I feel hung over every morning. You know, I wake up, I don't know, mask from my elbow, I don't know where I am, I don't know my own name. I don't know which way's up. I don't know which end I piss out of and which end I fucking talk out of. but I feel like I'm kind of getting used to the kind of status quo of being constantly knackered. But it does come with a lot of difficulty focusing. the ADHD medication that I take has done wonders for me over the years in helping me to focus, but it's not a fucking plaster. It's not a magic wand. It doesn't solve the solve the world's problems. it it takes the edge off, but that that kind of effec eff efficacy efficacy is somewhat affected. by by a lack of sleep because those two things are not bedfellows. Excuse the stupid pun. so I'm really fucking tired and I I I it it what that does is exacerbate my my pre existing kind of executive dysfunction. I get paralyzed so often and I spoke to I spoke to Kevin About that last week. Sorry, I was distracted. I can hear my cat snoring in the corner. I get paralysed by executive dysfunction all the time. and I I I'll just sit for extended periods and I I get stuck. That's something that Sam Monster's talked about in the past on on some of her some of her videos and actually I think she talked to me about it. She did at the beginning of our episode a few weeks ago. She said that she spent a lot of time recently just being stuck. Yeah, just can't move forward. Just and it's it's a real it's a real problem. It's something that I sympathize with whenever anyone tells me it because it's so frustrating. As you can probably tell by the fact that I'm talking about all these ideas that I have and the fact that I'm I'm kind of desperately creative. Being someone who who has a lot of ideas and and feeds off of kind of being an idea generator and having having irons in the fire, how was having something something brewing is is really important to me. But when I go through periods where I just can't do anything, it's very difficult for me to reconcile that feeling. without feeling a complete fucking waste of space. Because I've convinced myself over the decades of not being diagnosed that I was a complete waste of space. How can I be someone who is so arrogant in believing that I genuinely think that I'm special and not just in a your mum tells you you're a special way, probably not helped by the fact that my mum did tell me I was special all the time. But I genuinely believe most of the time that I am special that I am really smart that I am really talented and I don't want to sound like a cock end when I say that because it's but it's I have this I just feel special. I may very well not be. Don't worry, I'm not completely fucking irrational. But I'm just telling you how I feel. But to feel like someone who is special, who is destined to do great things, whether those great things are great to other people or just great for yourself, whatever. But to feel that way and then do nothing. And it's not just doing nothing because you don't want to do anything, it's because you can't do anything. You'll just sit there. And because you can't decide what to do first, because you can't pick apart your ideas and and prioritize one from another, because you can't plan things properly, because you can't just follow things through, there's no flow to it. And because you get overwhelmed by the concept of unpicking it and prioritizing and the doing and the working out what to do first and what to do next and how to do it, you end up shutting down and doing jack shit. So how can you be this super talented, special, intelligent person and yet be someone who cannot get off the sofa scratching his bollocks and to scrolling YouTube all day or deciding I wanna play I wanna play PS five. So you start playing and you play six different games within the space of half an hour because you can't find the one that actually gives you the dopamine hit that you want. Nothing is making you feel anything. Nothing's engaging you. So you just sit and you stew and you fart. That's all you can do. The only bit of productivity I can muster is out of my fucking anus sometimes. And that just is not good enough. So I've had to learn like forgive myself for those times, especially now that I understand them a little bit more. But understanding them doesn't solve them. Understanding why I feel that way doesn't, you know, stop me from feeling that way. It helps me to understand why I'm doing it, but it doesn't stop the thing from happening. So I'm still doing fuck all. I'm still finding it really hard to just do anything. I'm still I still have the residual feelings of shame that I used to have before I was diagnosing when I was younger, where I would feel like I was lazy because everyone was telling me I was. It's still I can't just switch that feeling off because I've got a diagnosis now so I feel fine. It's still happening and I still feel that way. It's really tough. And that's gonna be a long process and I don't know whether I'm ever gonna fully get over that, whether I'm actually just gonna be able to say, you know what, fuck it. I'm not gonna do anything today or tomorrow. I may not do anything for the next six months. And being okay to sit in that space, I just don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to do it. But that's part of the process. So that's kinda how I'm doing at the moment. yeah. I feel burnt out all the time, I feel tired all the time, but I'm pretty happy actually. saying to Sarah a couple of weeks ago, regardless of my day job, if I've got something else on the go, if I've got another project that's completely kind of self-driven and organically has come from me, something creative, whatever that might be, however it manifests itself. If I've got something like that on the go, at whatever stage it's at, whether it's just in the percolating in my head stage or I'm actually doing something tangible with it. As long as I have something like that, I feel fulfilled in my life. I feel happy because I'm aiming myself at something that I care about. And I've got that. I've got that with this podcast. I've got that with the ideas I'm I'm generating in terms of some of the content I'm creating for social media. I've got it with Minty five hundred and various other things that I'm kind of thinking about at the moment. I've I've got that and that's I think one of the most precious things to me is always having my have having something cooking. Yeah. I was thinking at the right at the very beginning I talked about how difficult it is to to maintain momentum and the ADHD issue of of being balls to the wall and then suddenly jack shit forever. and I wrote a a little list just before I started recording because And this is no by no means an exhaustive list, but I wanted to write down some of the things that I've started and not finished. And I can't remember all of them, obviously. And when I say things, I mean things I want to get good at or careers that I want to have. and what can kick off the idea of having one of these careers can be something completely out of nowhere. So I'll give you before I st read you the list. I'm gonna give you the example that really started to set the wheels in motion for me internally that there's some might be something a little bit different about the way I'm wired up. So I went to university in two thousand and two to study graphic design. I'd been obsessed with art all the way through school. That was the thing I was best at, the thing I loved the most, the thing I found it easiest to do. But I didn't want to do an art degree. I wanted to do a degree that I felt would be more likely to lead to a a profession at the end of it. So I thought if I went into graphic design, I'd learn some really interesting skills around design principles and and using the kind of technology around graphics. And graphics was one of the modules I did at college and I really enjoyed it. I thought if I I'll go to uni, I'll study graphics and I'll become a graphic designer. Couldn't be easier. got a bit bored of it and when I say I got bored of it I got bored with it within within the first two or three months of going to university. I switched course from graphic design to fine art because I'm like well I know that I chose graphics because I thought it'd be more likely to lead to a job but I don't really enjoy it. I prefer the freedom and the creativity that comes with fine art and and the theory and the learning and the being around other people that are sort of kind of uninhibited in their creativity. So I I changed degree. But guess what Fine art is very self directed. Very few lectures. You have classes, but very b basically a lot of your day is spent in your little studio space creating your work and no one telling you what to do. Now I'm a I'm the sort of person who doesn't want anyone to tell what to do. But I'm the sort of person who needs to be told what to do. and that wasn't really happening. So I didn't really do an awful lot. I started failing. I got through the first year at uni just by the skin of my teeth, but only because I deferred a couple of modules to year two because I I wasn't up up up to scratch. Within three months of my second year, I had quit uni altogether. And my decision to quit uni happened within the space of about twenty four hours. I went to visit my mate, who at the time was working as a chef at a hotel in the Birmingham area. I went to see him for a for a night. And my and his brother, my other mate, came to see him as well. We went we went to the cinema. We went to see a film which came out around that time called SWAT, which is Colin a Colin Farrell vehicle. This isn't a serviceable movie, it's nothing great. But I was so excited by that movie, by the action, the intrigue and the camaraderie. I quit uni to become that. I'm gonna become like a specialist. We don't even have fucking SWAT in this country. But I wanted to be like armed police. I wanted to be a specialist, like badass hero person. I wanted to be an action hero, effectively. So I'm like, I'm gonna quit uni and become an action hero. And that's exactly what I did. Well I did the first part, never did the second part. But I did almost become a firefighter. My best mate, who I was telling you about, he did become a firefighter. We we applied for the fire service at the same time. He got in I didn't. I applied for two different areas, one in Surrey, one in London. One in London I missed because I got the wrong day for the test. And the one in Surrey I went through all the battery of tests they could throw at me, all the physical tests, all the exams, passed them the flying colours, sat at the interview, and I fucked it 'cause they told me I was too laid back. Anyway, I d I d I digress. Here's the list, the non-exhaustive list of some of the different things that I've tried over the years. Some of these things have lasted a couple of weeks, some of them a couple of months, but all of them fell flat on their fucking face. So, radio presenter, stand-up comedian, pop star, artist, poet, novelist, screenwriter, guitarist. Drummer, pianist, firefighter, Ministry of Defence Police Officer, RAF pilot, commercial pilot, photographer, blogger, podcaster, still doing that one, illustrator, chef, estimator, slash planner, slash kind of quantity surveyor, insurance investigator. I wanted to be a biker, not that that's profession, but I wanted to ride a motorcycle, boxer, tattooist, animator, therapist, self help author, memoir author, footballer, rugby player, track and field athlete, bodybuilder, brewer slash mixologist, a super recognizer. a sculptor, a fashion designer. So those are just some of the things I have I wouldn't even say tried to do, but decided I was going to do and then didn't. So that's the journey. Find the thing that you can do that you can keep doing. And at the moment that thing is podcasting. And I can't tell you how much I hope I can do this forever. Because I love doing it. I love the routine. I love the commitment. I love talking to you people. I love having you people talking back to me. I love meeting new people, forging Friendships, learning about the world, learning about people, what makes them tick. I love the fact that there is a small number of people who are helped by this podcast as much as I'm helped by it. I want to do it forever. But the biggest fear for people like me, people like us. You never know when the day's gonna come where it's gonna stop. And I really hope it never stops. But one of the things I was thinking about is as much as you you kinda love that time when you're in the throes of a passion. Not the throes of passion, the throes of a passion. Where you find you found something that you really engaged with, that you really enjoy, that you take a lot of joy from. I spend as much time enjoying the moment as I do worrying about when the moment's gonna end. I never fully just let it carry me off into the sunset, you know, because I'm always worried. I'm like the dog who's been kicked too many times, you know. I never know when I think it inevitably it's going to. Not that I think it's going to, but I worry that it's going to. I assume it's going to. And I'm just thinking, is today gonna be the day that I'm gonna stop caring about this thing? And I really hope that that's not the case. So I never fully kind of just let go and enjoy anything because I'm always lit but is this the real thing or is this gonna you know? But that's that's where I am. But anyway, look. I'm gonna be I'm gonna be back. I've got a couple of guests lined up. One I'm interviewing tomorrow for next week's episode. Really excited to me to meet him. I've got another couple lined up as well. Always looking for n for new guests. if you're neurodiverse, if you care about someone who is neurodiverse, even if you're an expert, a doctor, a therapist, you know, I want to talk to you. Just get in touch with me. So Best way to do that. Instagram at Shouty Brain or via my website at ShoutyBrain dot com. probably the best two ways to get in contact with me. Of course, you can always s leave a comment on the on the podcast, on on the video, whatever you want. But let me know if you've got someone in mind or if you yourself want to be on the show, just let me know. I'm very accommodating. Again, if you if you enjoy this podcast, please do me the the the huge favour of engaging with it. Like, subscribe, turn on your notifications, leave a review, leave a comment. Or, you know, send it to people that that you think might be interested in it. I want the podcast to reach as many people as possible, always, because it's good and it helps people and it helps me and I want it to help as many people as possible. So please do that. Please get in touch. I'll tell you what else. Take care of each other. Take care of yourselves. And be kind for fuck's sake. Love you.