Latest / Questionable Detour / House fires, Casual B&Es and making new friends.

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House fires, Casual B&Es and making new friends. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:17
In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground, spending most of my days, chilling out, relaxing, all cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school, with a couple of guys, they were up to no good.
0:37
Started making trouble in my neighborhood, I got in one little fight, my mom got scared, said, you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
0:44
I'm just mouth breathing into the microphone, I sound like some creepy guy.
0:52
Let's talk into the mic.
0:54
Hello.
0:56
This is very close to my face.
0:58
Right up in here.
1:00
I'm spitting into the pot filter.
1:02
I'm licking this pot filter.
1:04
I'm licking it too.
1:06
I want to be like you.
1:08
I want you to have to put this thing under a fan to dry it out.
1:12
Yeah.
1:14
I want whoever uses this microphone next to just smell me.
1:18
Is that a bottle of ranch on your...
1:20
There's actually a couple bottles of ranch up here, if I'm being honest.
1:24
That's concerning.
1:26
You don't have just ranch laying around?
1:28
Do you call this place the hidden valley?
1:32
Because of the amount of ranch you have here.
1:34
Would you call this a ranch style house?
1:36
Oh, I do be dressing in here though.
1:38
Got him.
1:40
All this is gold.
1:42
I need to text that to my dad so he'll be impressed with me.
1:46
Alright.
1:48
Welcome.
1:50
Question of the tour.
1:52
I'm not doing this.
1:54
Starting over.
1:56
I apologize.
1:58
Do Jesus forgive me.
2:00
He does not look down upon you anymore.
2:02
Because of this.
2:04
Thank you.
2:06
Thank you for being that channel to the Lord for me.
2:10
Pope Evan House.
2:12
It's come full circle.
2:14
His motto is, he intercedes.
2:18
That just makes it sound like he's going to jump in between the conversation with two people.
2:24
He finds somebody praying and he's like, ah!
2:28
Tell it to me first.
2:30
Whisper it in my ear first.
2:32
And I'll tell it to God.
2:34
He's just dead set on being the middle man.
2:38
People are just having a conversation face to face.
2:40
And he boxes one of them out like an NBA point guard.
2:42
He also does that when he's helping people move.
2:44
Somebody's bringing a box into the house and he goes and grabs it and brings it in like he does the whole job.
2:52
No, yeah.
2:54
I can't imagine he's just in the middle of a busy intersection.
2:56
Just being like, uh-uh, uh-uh.
2:58
No, you're not going, uh-uh.
3:00
No, wait for me.
3:02
Just honking and angry people.
3:04
And Evan dressed in a white robe and a funny hat.
3:08
Can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
3:12
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
3:16
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
3:18
Alright, welcome to Questionable Detour.
3:20
First hypothetical, boys.
3:22
We all have houses as apparent by our other episodes.
3:26
Right? We all live under a roof, right guys?
3:28
We do.
3:30
Tell everybody we live in a house.
3:32
I've got a minimum of four walls and that is all anybody needs to know.
3:36
It just sounds like you live in a Lego house.
3:38
Wouldn't be a bad place to stay, I think.
3:40
Yeah, I don't think the insulation would be great.
3:42
And you would get a lot of autistic kids very impressed with you.
3:46
But we have a house.
3:48
We need to try to convince everybody that we do, in fact.
3:52
We totally live in a house.
3:54
There's a roof over our head.
3:56
But if it burnt down...
3:58
I would be so upset.
4:00
Well, you're trying to collect insurance money.
4:02
You have multiple times used a lighter to try to set your curtains on fire.
4:06
I would be so upset.
4:08
I've walked into your house multiple times and you're just bent over with a lighter just like...
4:13
I just really hate those curtains.
4:15
I had an insurance investigator come visit me and ask me personal questions about you
4:21
just to see if I thought that you were an arsonist.
4:24
Personal questions about me?
4:26
Like, when was the last time he purchased matches?
4:31
Have you seen him with lighter fluid?
4:34
Just, you know, questions like that.
4:36
Those personal questions.
4:37
I thought he came around and asked, like, what's Evan's biggest fears?
4:40
I thought it was more along those personal questions.
4:42
He did ask that.
4:44
And I told him Evan's biggest fear is a still standing house.
4:49
And was that... that was Brad, you said?
4:52
That was Brad.
4:53
You know the...
4:54
That's my therapist.
4:55
Oh.
4:56
He's also an arson investigator?
4:58
No, he's an arsonist.
5:00
Oh, okay.
5:01
He was trying to steal my things.
5:02
Oh, okay, I see.
5:03
Wow.
5:04
So, if I'm getting this correct, you go to Brad, you tell Brad your deep dark secrets
5:09
and probably include some arson.
5:11
Brad decides he wants to use that for himself?
5:13
Yeah, he's a real, like, copycat kind of guy.
5:16
Oh.
5:17
It gets me in a lot of trouble because he goes and asks people close to me if I have
5:23
these things, even though I've already told him, yeah, buddy, I got it.
5:27
But he just seems to really not trust me, which is weird.
5:32
I never understood that.
5:33
You're a pretty trustworthy person.
5:34
I am a very trustworthy person.
5:35
Maybe we'll have a conversation with Brad, you know?
5:37
I think it'd be good to have him on.
5:38
It may be intercede for you.
5:40
All right, so we all have houses.
5:44
Do we?
5:47
I forgot that's where that was coming from.
5:52
We all have houses, right?
5:53
Yes.
5:54
Alan might live in a Lego house.
5:56
Possibly.
5:57
There's no way to be sure.
5:58
There's no way to be sure.
5:59
All right, and so if a fire happened, what material possession are you saving?
6:05
You see a fire inside your house, right?
6:07
What are you running out of the house with saving it?
6:10
The thing that I save is probably my family's ancestral blade.
6:15
You have an ancestral blade?
6:17
Have we not ever talked about this?
6:19
We have not.
6:20
That's interesting.
6:21
You come from an Irish-British background.
6:25
I didn't realize they had a rich history of blades.
6:29
Yes, actually we do.
6:31
It's probably a story I don't want to really hear, though.
6:33
Oh, no, I want to hear it.
6:34
No, that actually sounds very exciting.
6:36
Okay, well, I'll tell you.
6:37
Kind of generations ago, there was one of my ancestors by the name of Abiothar Tyrone Darnell.
6:46
Oh, of course.
6:48
Yeah, he's the root of that family tree.
6:51
He's a bastard Tyrone Darnell?
6:54
No, he's not a bastard.
6:55
His name is Abiothar.
6:57
Abiothar Tyrone Darnell.
7:00
Is he in Lord of the Rings?
7:01
Yeah, that's a rich name.
7:03
It was a Jewish name.
7:05
Oh, okay, I didn't realize it.
7:07
Jewish African, I think, is where they got the name from.
7:10
The ancestral blade, it's kind of like a cursed thing.
7:14
One time, Abiothar Tyrone here was spurned by the daughter of a dairy farmer.
7:22
Let's go back, Rewind.
7:23
What is that verb you just said?
7:25
His advances were spurned, as in he was turned down.
7:28
Alright, let me break this down for you.
7:31
There was the daughter of a dairy farmer that he was trying to mate with.
7:35
Mate?
7:36
What am I, watching a Discovery Channel documentary?
7:40
He was trying to mate with her.
7:43
She said, no thank you, not huge into you, and he was very upset about that.
7:52
So he went and slaughtered many, many cows of her father's dairy farm.
7:58
So basically what you're saying is this historical sword you have that runs in your family is basically just something that has killed cows.
8:07
So what happened is, once the cows were dead, it turns out the dairy farmer's daughter was a witch and a Democrat.
8:17
And so she cursed the blade.
8:21
What's the difference?
8:23
She cursed this blade, so now our family, every male in the line, has an unquenchable thirst for unpasteurized milk.
8:32
That makes sense. You do spend most of your paycheck.
8:36
It's a heavy dairy, heavy dairy bill when I go to the store.
8:40
The Kroger employees' eyes are always wide when you are ready to check out, and you always check out the self-checkout.
8:49
You have 43 gallons of milk and at least 43 pounds of cheese, and you're like, I'm going to check all this out myself.
8:56
Can you get unpasteurized milk at Kroger?
9:00
So at the Kroger that I go to.
9:02
It's not a normal superstore.
9:04
Let me say, the Kroger that I go to is not actually the Kroger store.
9:09
There's a guy by the name of Philip Kroger, and he actually sells unpasteurized dairy milk out of his home.
9:17
That also explains a lot of the sickness and diseases you get.
9:21
That's correct.
9:22
You are constantly sick.
9:24
The amount of times that I've had worms is ridiculous.
9:28
I can get that. I understand that.
9:30
You can get the parasites too?
9:32
No.
9:33
Are you drinking Alan's unpasteurized milk?
9:36
I didn't know he was unpasteurized.
9:38
I'm a generous guy. I like to offer dairy when I see fit.
9:41
You're just sneaking people unpasteurized milk without telling them?
9:44
I thought it was real milk that he was nice enough to bring to the podcast.
9:48
The other day we were sitting in church and Evan leans over to me and whispers,
9:54
Let me get that dairy.
9:57
So I pulled out a bottle of milk because I've got a few on me and I gave it to him.
10:02
There's a lot of clanking when you walk around.
10:04
You're always wearing a trench coat and it's 100 degrees outside.
10:08
It makes sense now. You're carrying multiple pints and liters of milk.
10:14
That is correct.
10:15
You look like a school shooter.
10:18
I've got the ancestral sword in there as well.
10:20
Oh, you carry that too.
10:21
Yeah.
10:22
You must be in shape because that's a lot of weight just to be carrying around.
10:27
That is incorrect. I'm in no shape at all.
10:31
You are shapes.
10:33
I am in a shape and it's not a good shape.
10:38
I look like the crude sixth grade drawing of a mitochondria is what I look like.
10:44
Did you draw a mitochondria in the sixth grade?
10:47
Who didn't?
10:48
It's the powerhouse of the cell.
10:50
Thank you, Evan, the powerhouse of the cell.
10:53
Should we just switch over to an educational conversation now?
10:56
I'm pretty positive and I don't know if this is the same with you all.
10:59
Evan and I went to the same school.
11:01
We just labeled cells from sixth to twelfth grade.
11:04
I did it in college as well. We also went to the same college.
11:07
Now that you are out of school, out of academia, how many times have you used that knowledge?
11:14
The other day we were having lunch and we did one of the worksheets.
11:18
You're like, this is good, Mai Thai.
11:24
Do you want to go ahead and label the sheet of cell?
11:29
Luckily, I keep a microscope around me as well.
11:32
We were able to drill down to the cellular level on the Mai Thai we were eating just to see what it was made of.
11:39
Then you all labeled the cell.
11:41
Then we labeled it. We took a picture of it, labeled it.
11:44
It was pretty beneficial.
11:45
Then we took a selfie of us labeling the picture.
11:48
Y'all were very arrogant on social media about it.
11:52
There's an album devoted to it.
11:54
Y'all were like, what's the powerhouse of the cell? You don't know? Dumbies.
11:58
That was the caption of the photo.
12:01
I think y'all made the waitress cry because you tried to quiz her on the cell.
12:06
She was a high school dropout.
12:08
So it's kind of her own fault.
12:10
She had a weak mental.
12:12
She had a weak what?
12:13
Mental.
12:15
A weak mental?
12:16
A weak mental.
12:18
Is there the rest of the sentence?
12:20
Weak mental.
12:22
It's slang as the kids use these days.
12:25
She had no mental willpower to finish that.
12:29
You made it seem like there was the rest of the sentence and I was missing out.
12:33
I was hanging on, ready for that back half of the sentence.
12:40
We'll bring you to lunch next time we do that.
12:42
Thanks for the invite, boys.
12:44
I was stuck doing the worksheet by myself in my room.
12:47
That's no fun.
12:48
My electricity's out, so I had to do it by candlelight.
12:52
It was a sad occasion.
12:54
Your house burns down.
12:56
What things are you saving from it?
12:58
So like Alan, my item is something that's very near and dear to me.
13:04
And it's not necessarily something that has been passed down, but it's going to start with me.
13:09
So I'm going to be the first generation.
13:11
I'm going to pass it down to all my kids.
13:13
And you'll understand this once I tell you what it is.
13:15
OK, I'm listening.
13:16
It's my Pennzoil hat.
13:20
You have worn that hat a lot.
13:22
This is not like us just talking.
13:25
You legitimately are wearing a Pennzoil hat all the time.
13:28
You've really embraced the Saturday worker aspect.
13:32
You look like a NASCAR fan.
13:34
Well, let me just tell you, nothing connects you with the common man like a Pennzoil hat.
13:39
You actually don't beat your wife enough to be a NASCAR fan.
13:44
Well, let me get on that then.
13:46
Yeah, you got to start doing that.
13:47
The moment you put on a Pennzoil hat, you should stare across your living room at your wife and go, you don't have enough bruises.
13:55
And then I throw my wife beater, my tank top, the kind that can never get fully clean.
14:02
Exactly. It has so many holes in it.
14:04
Stains. Just from where you've dropped so many sauces and just alcoholic beverages.
14:11
I've already got the smart scientific side of me where I work in IT and all that.
14:17
And I work in 9 to 5, Monday through Friday.
14:20
And you know the demographic I'm missing for my personality is the Saturday worker, the hardened, rough and tough, mechanic, Pennzoil hat wearing kind of guy.
14:30
So I just started throwing that hat on, wearing it around, getting a good feel.
14:34
I bet every time you stop for gas or you go into whether it be a real Kroger or the Kroger Allen goes to, I bet you get stopped by some blue collar folks and they shake your hand and say thank you for loving NASCAR as much as me.
14:49
So does it go the other way?
14:50
Like you're wearing the Pennzoil hat to look like a mechanic.
14:54
You know, you're trying to be doing more Saturday worker things.
14:58
When they wear, when they put on that windows or that Apple hat, are they immediately like taking wires and plugging them together?
15:09
Plugging them together?
15:10
Is it just random wires?
15:12
They suddenly are able to see two wires and find out how to make them connect.
15:18
Probably by the natural connection points.
15:21
No, they actually tie them in a knot together.
15:24
That's how they're doing it.
15:26
They're just like, they're just like, this is fine.
15:28
This is good enough.
15:29
This will connect.
15:30
I'd like to say to any of the Saturday workers out there listening, you are the backbone of America.
15:36
We're just three guys talking into a mic.
15:41
It's about we have a superiority complex.
15:44
They say America runs on Duncan.
15:47
No, America runs on Saturdays.
15:54
So what I'm saving for my house, the first thing I need to get out of my house if my house is on fire is the 5000 gallons of gasoline that I have in my house.
16:04
As you can imagine, as you know, what that smell is.
16:08
Yeah, yeah, it's it's I don't keep tops on the containers.
16:11
In fact, they're barely containers.
16:13
Mostly I have 5000 gallons of gasoline in just big five gallon tubs like just plastic tubs.
16:21
No top, so it's just liquid sitting in my house.
16:24
There's a hefty garbage bag that has gas in it.
16:27
Yeah, it leaks constantly.
16:29
That's the first iteration of how I contain my gas.
16:32
Then I learned that I can just get five gallon tubs and contain my gas that way.
16:36
And as you can imagine, the themes in there are terrible.
16:40
But one thing I have learned from having 5000 gallons of gas with no no filtration system is you fall asleep very quickly.
16:49
You forget a lot of things, too, right?
16:51
Yeah, yeah, I'm constantly waking up and going, where am I?
16:56
And I stumble and you're like, how do these 5000 gallons of gas get here?
17:01
Yeah, it's not until I leave the house that I go.
17:04
Why can I think now?
17:07
So with all that gas, what happens when there's a fire in your house and it's nighttime and you're like you're knocked out?
17:14
You've inhaled so much gas.
17:16
You're not waking up.
17:18
What happens then?
17:20
I will go up with the house and the three houses next to mine.
17:25
Your whole block.
17:26
My whole block will just be gone.
17:28
It'll look like a crater from a meteorite.
17:32
But that's the first thing I need to do.
17:34
And really, if you think about a man trying to get 5000 gallons of gasoline in tubs out of a house, it's not graceful.
17:41
I'm spilling it everywhere, right?
17:43
Because I'm just having to drag the tubs through the door.
17:46
But I have to get that out.
17:48
It's interesting that I have brought this up, by the way, and you have not asked how the heck have I gotten 5000 gallons of gas.
17:56
My question was more of why, because you drive one car with good gas mileage.
18:02
Yes. And you drive a maximum of what?
18:05
Ten miles. It's not. Yeah, it's not far.
18:07
And you don't work on any heavy machinery.
18:09
You don't have a race car.
18:11
Here's the Pennzoil hat coming back through him right now.
18:14
I'm just saying you have no reason to have 5000 gallons worth of gas.
18:19
This is now. Let me let me come to Zach.
18:22
You may run a lawnmower every now and then.
18:25
This is America.
18:27
If you've got the money.
18:29
Allen's wearing the Pennzoil hat right now, by the way.
18:33
I'm putting on my metaphorical Pennzoil hat.
18:36
This is America. If you've got the money, buy that gas.
18:40
Yeah. Listen, just from you all to I have 5000 gallons of gas at my house.
18:45
I would like you all to take a guess on maybe why something close to domestic terrorism, knowing you.
18:51
Honestly, the FBI has come by a lot.
18:54
It's got to be in the realm of domestic terrorism.
18:57
I would. Yeah, I'd have to agree.
18:59
There's been a guy named Brad. I think it's a different Brad.
19:02
But he's been asking me about you.
19:04
There's a lot of Brad's that are questioning people.
19:07
I don't stand a guy named Brad. It is a bad name.
19:10
Every time I meet a Brad, I'm like, who are you about to ask about?
19:14
You know, like I just expect them to be very inquisitive about random people.
19:19
He was asking me if you if I've seen you buy fertilizer, you know, in bulk here lately.
19:25
Pipes just pipes and fertilizer. Yeah.
19:28
You know, Brad probably didn't pass through too much because I didn't buy any of that.
19:31
My house is so and I don't have furniture solely filled up with gasoline.
19:36
Oh, I need a real reason to have five thousand gallons of gasoline.
19:41
I need a real reason. I don't.
19:44
Because the domestic terrorism has crossed my mind as it normally does.
19:49
It's the first thing that I think of when I go like, what do you want to do today?
19:52
I'm like, that's the only thing I care about.
19:56
But like people will be like, how are you doing today?
19:59
I'm like, well, I haven't done any domestic terrorism, so not a great day.
20:04
All the monuments are still standing.
20:07
You tell me. Yeah.
20:10
If you did domestic terrorism, but unlike very insignificant things like abandoned buildings.
20:17
Yeah. Or like empty lots mailboxes like a building that was scheduled to be demolished like in a week.
20:24
You just went ahead and did it.
20:26
The construction companies like, OK, you saved them so much time and money by doing it yourself.
20:32
Yeah, they're like, OK, thank you.
20:34
They're just like a just a vast empty lot of grass.
20:38
And you're just like, fire.
20:41
And it looks like I just mowed this.
20:44
That I really get them.
20:47
Oh, see the construction companies like, I mean, send this guy a letter for next week.
20:51
Another demolition.
20:53
Just let this guy know.
20:54
Put in the paper.
20:55
Get this guy off.
20:57
They start putting signs in front of the abandoned building like public library or post office.
21:03
So you think it's really domestic terrorism.
21:06
Please don't domestic terrorize.
21:09
At first, the FBI is like, should we should we arrest this guy?
21:13
And then eventually it's like, no, we just let this guy go.
21:16
He's saving us a whole bunch of money.
21:19
No one's complained like I don't.
21:23
You break into a house.
21:25
We're all felons.
21:26
We don't care about the law.
21:28
No, no, we don't care.
21:29
Yep.
21:30
We don't care about people's belongings.
21:32
You break into the house.
21:33
What's the first thing you are stealing?
21:35
Their hearts.
21:36
Oh, you're coming with their hearts.
21:37
Yep.
21:38
I'm breaking in, looking them in the eyes and I'm winning them over.
21:41
Oh, OK.
21:42
I thought you were going to sit down and have a nice dinner over some spaghetti.
21:46
Maybe we might be eating out of the same bowl.
21:49
You know, Lady and the Tramp style.
21:51
Yeah.
21:52
We both get separate ends of a noodle when we meet in the middle.
21:55
That's where I'm at.
21:56
I assumed immediately that you were speaking of the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom style winning
22:04
their heart, you know, like comma, comma, comma.
22:07
And just like just kind of harvesting their organ that pumps their blood.
22:11
I'm not ruling out that that's not going to be how the night ends, but it's not going to be how it starts.
22:16
I assume.
22:17
Yeah.
22:18
So you break most people break into somebody's house when they're asleep so they don't get caught.
22:21
You break in there, you wake them up, then you have them cook dinner for you.
22:25
Yeah, I really want to connect with them.
22:27
And it's spaghetti.
22:28
You break into their house, you go, you cook me dinner, make it spaghetti.
22:32
Yeah.
22:33
And they start to divvy it out into three bowls and I'm like one bowl.
22:37
They have the cauldron down.
22:38
They have.
22:39
They just have a sad child.
22:40
Break into a witch's house?
22:44
Evan drags in a cauldron.
22:48
Oh, you don't have one?
22:49
I brought my own.
22:50
Not only is it make me dinner, make it spaghetti, put it in this cauldron I've also brought.
22:57
Here's a giant ladle for you.
22:59
Yeah.
23:00
And also it's don't sit out three bowls.
23:02
Ignore your child.
23:03
They're just a sad child sitting by the table.
23:05
I mean, like, I'm hungry.
23:06
Evan's like, no, no, this is not for you.
23:08
Yeah.
23:09
Your heart.
23:10
It can't be mine.
23:11
It could get too weird too quick.
23:14
I'm a criminal, but I'm not above the law.
23:18
You're like, I'm a criminal, but I'm not a criminal.
23:21
You know, I'm a bad guy, but I'm not a bad guy.
23:26
That's pretty cool.
23:27
I think, I think that could work.
23:29
I'm a criminal with a conscience, I guess.
23:31
So do you dress up?
23:32
Oh, I do.
23:33
In what?
23:34
What are we wearing?
23:35
A doctor's coat.
23:36
So just a white coat.
23:37
I look real professional.
23:38
Did you wear anything under the white coat?
23:41
I mean, I wear pants, but not no undershirt.
23:45
Okay.
23:46
So I'm bare chested for sure.
23:49
Do you paint something on your bare chest?
23:51
A bear.
23:52
That's why you're, okay, bare chested.
23:54
It makes sense now.
23:55
It's not just skin.
23:56
It's a bear chest.
23:57
It's a bear, bear chest.
23:58
Yeah.
23:59
Bear, bear chest.
24:00
Yeah.
24:01
Do you answer questions when the people that you, of the house that you just broke into
24:06
ask, why do you have a bear on your chest?
24:07
I take no questions.
24:08
Yeah.
24:09
You take no questions.
24:10
This is not a press conference.
24:11
You say, why are you asking questions?
24:16
There's only one question that should be asked here.
24:18
Where is my spaghetti?
24:19
Yep.
24:20
And then they ask me another question.
24:22
I say, no comment.
24:24
I think if I could add to maybe something that you're doing, I think when you go in
24:28
there to steal their hearts, you're wearing this doctor's coat.
24:31
You play doctor feel good on a Bluetooth speaker as you, as you walk through that way, it kind
24:37
of really tells them, tells the family what you're about.
24:40
Yeah.
24:41
And everybody trusts a guy in a, in a white coat.
24:43
So it's kind of my way to get in.
24:46
But not a guy in the white coat with no shirt and just a crude bear painting on your chest.
24:52
Yeah.
24:53
That raises some red flags.
24:54
You just kind of overlook that part.
24:56
You're like, the white coats enough.
24:57
But the white coats over the biker gang part of it.
25:00
So it's like, it's more trustworthy because they see the white coat first.
25:04
Wait, you're comparing how you're dressed to how people compare mullets to business
25:08
in the front party in the back.
25:10
Exactly.
25:11
So what are you doing with your lab coat bear painting deal?
25:14
Yeah.
25:15
Wait, what you said, you said biker part is the bear on a motorcycle on this pain.
25:20
No, it's just very biker gang ish to have a bear tattoo on your chest.
25:23
Oh, I see.
25:24
Yeah.
25:25
But you, you were not in a bike and I'll have nipple piercings, of course.
25:27
Oh, well yeah.
25:28
And they'll probably be connected by a chain.
25:30
Yeah.
25:31
Yeah.
25:32
And they connected to my wallet.
25:33
That would be the roughest situation.
25:36
If somebody stole your wallet, that only happens one time.
25:40
Not only would they steal your wallet, they would still both your nipples.
25:48
No, it's not a great setup.
25:53
It's more for fashion, but it's not really a sensible thing to do because it really hurts.
25:58
Like if you just drop your wallet on accident, like it slips out of your hand, it's a world
26:02
of pain.
26:03
But it's also kind of like, Oh, wow.
26:05
You know, I accidentally dropped my wallet.
26:09
But your wallet's not that heavy.
26:10
You don't have a lot of money.
26:11
Well, no, but it's full of coins.
26:14
Evan has a lot of credit cards.
26:16
He's in severe credit card debt.
26:19
And then what isn't credit cards is half dollar coins.
26:22
Yeah.
26:23
You, you often jump into fountains at malls and just start collecting the coins that people
26:27
toss it.
26:28
Yeah.
26:29
Evan has a lot of Morgan silver dollars.
26:34
They toss it in for their good luck.
26:36
I pick it up for my good luck.
26:37
It's good.
26:38
It's good.
26:39
All right, Alan.
26:40
Yeah.
26:41
What you got out?
26:42
Alan, what are you, uh, what are you breaking?
26:43
When I, when I'm breaking into somebody's house, I'm at, I'm planning it out before
26:47
I do.
26:48
I'm not breaking in there willy nilly to see if they have what I want.
26:50
Yeah.
26:51
I'm canvassing the neighborhood.
26:52
I'm fine.
26:53
I'm doing my due diligence.
26:55
I'm breaking into a house to steal their copy of Adam Sandler's grownups too.
27:01
Very specific and also a movie that nobody wants.
27:06
If anything, nobody has.
27:09
If anything, people go, thank you for taking this movie out of my house.
27:15
I'm so confused because grownups too came out in the digital age.
27:21
So it came out after everybody started buying DVDs.
27:25
You say that, but the fans of the sand man, that is a physical media crew.
27:30
Yeah.
27:31
They seem like they're, they're caught in a different time.
27:33
Yeah.
27:34
Yeah.
27:35
What do you do with the, uh, what do you do with the Adam Sandler DVD copies?
27:38
Well, I'm glad you asked.
27:39
So what I do is I've, I've got a lot of DVD players.
27:44
I keep one in each room of the house.
27:46
Yeah.
27:47
So I want to have enough copies to be constantly playing grownups too throughout your house,
27:55
throughout the house.
27:56
I want to never miss a beat.
27:58
He has multiple TVs just in his house and each one's playing.
28:02
So what I do, I start off, I lost count.
28:04
How many did you have in your living room?
28:06
Right now there's a total of 11.
28:08
Yeah.
28:09
It looks like a buffalo wild wings, but there's no sports is just grownups too.
28:16
So I start off on the east side of the house and I start the movie.
28:19
He calls it the east side of the house.
28:20
What are you a boy?
28:21
What are you a boy scout?
28:22
What are you calling it?
28:23
The east side of the house.
28:24
I strap on my, my boy scout bandana and my khakis and uh, the east side at dawn.
28:30
Yeah.
28:31
He's like, he wakes up and he's like, it's time to grow up.
28:34
He has to run around the house and hit play on each DVD.
28:42
What's worse is I remember last time I was there, all the DVDs are out of sync too.
28:46
So it's like you stagger the times.
28:48
So it's just, you hear the same like right after one after the other.
28:53
It's really annoying.
28:54
It will make you lose your mind.
28:59
I've installed since, since you've been over last, Evan, I've installed a series of mirrors
29:04
and I have the remote on the same frequency as other, you know, as the TV.
29:07
So I'm trying to sync them up where I can point the remote at a mirror and it'll turn
29:12
on multiple TVs.
29:14
It's I'm not going to throw around the word genius.
29:18
I wouldn't either.
29:19
Yeah.
29:20
Yeah.
29:21
I don't think anyone would bring that into the conversation at all.
29:28
Your house sounds like something that would literally make somebody go insane.
29:33
It seems like what the CIA would use as a torture device.
29:37
They're like waterboarding isn't working anymore.
29:39
Have you heard this guy, Alan?
29:42
All right, Zach, what are you, what are you stealing?
29:49
So I am going solely.
29:51
I'm not planning by the way.
29:53
You never do.
29:54
Yep.
29:55
I'm going solely for toilet seats.
29:57
I want to, I want to rid every house in my neighborhood of toilet seats.
30:02
Out of spite or no, just because they don't need toilet seats and I do.
30:07
So it's a, it's a necessity then for you.
30:09
Yeah.
30:10
I, um, I use toilet seats for most everything in my house, whether it be for TVs.
30:14
I just, you know, I make a little TV, show it through a toilet seat.
30:18
I sit on toilet seats.
30:19
Each of my seats is a toilet seat.
30:21
It's just a toilet seat with legs prudely glued to the bottom.
30:25
Yeah.
30:26
They're not well done.
30:27
Yeah.
30:28
They fall apart constantly.
30:29
Uh, I have pictures hung in those toilet seats, you know, if I'm talking on the phone, it's
30:35
really, it's rough going over to your house because it's just, the furniture is just not
30:39
stable for one.
30:40
And second of all, if no one sat there in the last 30 minutes, it's cold on your butt.
30:46
Yeah.
30:47
Cause you have to take your pants off before you sit down on it.
30:48
Cause it's a toilet seat.
30:49
That is a requirement.
30:50
It is strangely from you.
30:52
Yeah.
30:53
And I will say what's weird is because everything is toilet seats, they don't make couch toilet
30:58
seats, which I think is, you know, a blind spot in the toilet industry.
31:02
There's a market there for it for sure.
31:04
So, but so everything you have, there's no couches.
31:07
They're just all individual seats.
31:09
Yeah, right.
31:10
It looks like what I would think a church would look like if it were made up solely
31:14
of toilet seats.
31:15
Yeah.
31:16
And do, and do I let people have church there?
31:19
I do.
31:20
I do.
31:21
I let them have church there.
31:22
Uh, every Sunday, just there's congregation of people.
31:24
What denomination meets there?
31:26
Mormon, you know, it's a, it's a Jamaican Mormon.
31:32
It's a Jamaican.
31:35
It's a Jamaican.
31:39
Yo, I'm sure you all haven't heard of it.
31:42
It's a pretty small, it's a pretty small denomination.
31:44
It's a Jamaican church and there's man, man or man in Jamaica.
31:50
And then God is more than man.
31:53
So he's, yeah, exactly.
31:54
You got it.
31:55
You got it.
31:56
Okay.
31:57
Okay.
31:58
If those Mormons would be around you right now, they would be amen and hallelujah to
32:03
what you're saying.
32:04
Cause you figured it out almost immediately what they're going for.
32:07
Wow.
32:08
Are there fundamentalist Mormons?
32:10
So they believe in...
32:12
Well you touched on, you kind of touched on the Mormon fundamentalist belief where you
32:16
always have to take down your pants if you're sitting on a toilet seat.
32:19
Yeah.
32:20
That wasn't me that came up with it.
32:21
That's, that's solely from the church.
32:22
And that's not really fundamentalist as much as it is just fun.
32:25
Yeah.
32:26
They put the fun in fundamentalist for sure.
32:28
It's an, it's an enjoyable experience completely.
32:31
It'd be fun for these fundamentalists.
32:33
You got it.
32:36
That connected somehow.
32:39
Leave it.
32:40
That's good.
32:41
We'll keep it.
32:43
Want a break from the ads?
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No!
32:46
All right.
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Listen.
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You know, I'll go ahead if y'all want to.
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Oh man.
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Alright.
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Let's...
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For the sake of humanity we have to stop.
39:07
It would be better if we stopped.
39:10
Let's do some Craigslist ads.
39:17
This post on Craigslist I found reads like this.
39:20
Looking for friends.
39:22
I'm a male.
39:23
Six foot six.
39:24
Thirty five.
39:25
From Tarrytown, New York.
39:27
That's the headline.
39:28
It goes on to say, it's been a lonely couple of years.
39:32
Really really looking to have new friends to hang out with and just generally be around.
39:38
I love that phrase.
39:40
Just generally be around.
39:42
Like he's a cat.
39:44
Like he's just, he's not going to hang out with you but he's going to be in the same
39:48
room as you just...
39:49
Stalk in the corner.
39:50
He wants to be a roommate.
39:51
That's what he wants to be.
39:52
That's all he wants.
39:53
He's just going to be in a corner somewhere just heavy breathing looking at you.
39:57
He goes on to say, I can smell a scam from a mile away.
40:01
I'm looking for genuine people who are actually also lonely and looking for friends.
40:06
Feel free to message me anytime.
40:08
I'm always available.
40:10
How much you want to bet he can't smell a scam from a mile away?
40:13
His nostrils are not working real well.
40:16
He's bragging about a skill he does not have.
40:19
I go on to say, yo yo yo, what up man?
40:22
I need a friend.
40:23
I've been lonely for so long.
40:27
For how long?
40:28
So long.
40:30
I put a lot of O's.
40:31
I held the O key for multiple seconds.
40:35
18 O's in the air.
40:37
I wanted to really give him a feel of how long I've been lonely.
40:42
Also let me just say, I don't know if Tarrytown, New York is a place, but I think he's trying
40:48
to scam you.
40:49
Tarrytown sounds very made up.
40:51
That sounds like a kids show town.
40:53
Yeah.
40:54
Like something out of a country song.
40:56
Yeah.
40:57
Like it sounds like there'd be talking animals there, you know?
40:59
Yeah.
41:00
He goes on to say, hello, glad to hear from you.
41:04
Tell me about yourself.
41:05
Boy, howdy.
41:06
I'm about to.
41:07
I said, well, I'm looking for some friends to do magic with and toss rocks off the highway
41:14
overpass.
41:17
You're 66 years old and only three foot five?
41:20
That's pretty short.
41:23
That's okay though.
41:27
I guess I'll get you a box to stand on when we talk rocks at cars on the highway overpass.
41:34
This is in reference to the fact that he said he's six foot six, 35 years old.
41:40
So he thinks you think he's an ancient dwarf.
41:44
I think he's a geriatric small person.
41:48
He goes on to say, no, I'm six foot six and I'm 35 and I do not have a lot of experience
41:54
with magic, but I can make your loneliness disappear.
41:58
Oh, kissy face.
42:00
Okay.
42:01
So I don't think he just generally wants to be friends.
42:04
He is some more.
42:05
He has expectations.
42:07
Altaria motives here.
42:08
I respond.
42:10
So what's it like to be 66 years old and so short?
42:16
Do you have a problem seeing over the dash when you drive?
42:23
I can whip you up a homemade booster seat if you want little guy.
42:30
You can make my loneliness disappear.
42:32
That's pretty lame.
42:33
I would not want to come see your magic show.
42:37
So are you wanting, what would make you come see his magic show to make you more lonely?
42:42
Well, I would want to go to see a magic show where they pull a rabbit out of hat.
42:45
You know, classic magic stuff.
42:47
I can't imagine that you go to a magic show and he's just like, I can make your loneliness
42:52
disappear.
42:53
That just sounds like a magician that's in the same room as you, which doesn't sound
42:59
like a very cool magic show.
43:01
Yes.
43:02
My magic trick is being a person.
43:06
My magic trick is I just exist in the same place as you.
43:11
That's it.
43:12
I continue to say, want to go throw rocks at cars?
43:16
Honestly though, a great proposition.
43:18
Yeah.
43:19
I mean, I invited him.
43:21
He said he wants a friend to cure his loneliness.
43:24
I feel like that's a good enough invite.
43:26
You're providing a friend.
43:29
You're providing an activity.
43:30
I mean, what more can he ask for?
43:32
I'm assuming you're providing the rocks as well.
43:35
Yeah.
43:36
Well, I'm sure we'll find some on the way.
43:37
I just don't have a ton on me.
43:39
I'm not a rich man.
43:44
He goes on to say I'm six foot six.
43:47
He spells out foot this time.
43:49
I mean, he's really trying to get across that point.
43:51
I am tall and please do not call me little guy.
43:56
I do not have a magic show.
43:58
I do things that adults do.
44:00
If you know what I mean, winky face.
44:03
What do we think he's trying to get across here?
44:05
I think he's trying to let you know he's doing a little, he's trying to do a little bit more
44:08
than just trying to get a little bit closer than just generally around you.
44:12
He's trying to pull a rabbit out of your hat.
44:16
Put a rabbit into it.
44:18
Yeah.
44:19
Also, I'm kind of not buying that he's six six because he said, please don't call me
44:24
a little guy.
44:25
Like, that's something that he might have, he might get offended by because it hurts
44:29
him cuts a little deep.
44:30
Yeah.
44:31
It's a little too close to home.
44:33
He's a little defensive over his height right now.
44:35
If he's actually six foot six, why is he trying to prove it to me?
44:38
Yeah.
44:39
Just back off, man.
44:40
Like he has a short guy complex.
44:41
He has a Napoleon complex.
44:43
I go on to say, oh, you have six feet.
44:46
That's pretty weird.
44:47
Little man probably should use some magic to get rid of some of those feet.
44:55
You do adult things.
44:56
Can you do my taxes?
44:58
I haven't paid them in a good five years.
45:01
He goes on to say, darn it.
45:04
No, my height is six foot six inches tall and no, I won't do your taxes unless you do
45:09
something for me.
45:11
Winky face.
45:12
This guy is thirsty.
45:14
He is thirsty and he is not letting me.
45:18
He's very hard to do like a message chain with because he keeps going back to the one
45:23
thing.
45:24
And like during this, I'm like, say something else I can work with.
45:27
Well, you keep making him at least a certain level of mad, but not mad enough for him to
45:34
call it quits.
45:35
He's still, he's still trying because he's making it very hard to work with and like
45:41
use things to continue the conversation.
45:44
I respond to him simply.
45:47
Do you wear capes?
45:48
Yeah.
45:49
Yeah.
45:50
Good question.
45:51
He responds.
45:52
What?
45:53
Good answer.
45:55
I respond.
45:56
I'm sorry.
45:58
That must've gone over your head since you're so short.
46:02
Do you wear capes?
46:08
I'm not short slut and no, I don't wear capes.
46:12
It's getting a real defensive.
46:15
He is upset.
46:17
I noticed this is like the first message where he's not, you know, proposed you basically.
46:23
Yeah.
46:24
Well, I mean, I haven't given him much.
46:27
If you can come up with a pickup line with capes, you deserve whoever you're trying to
46:31
get.
46:32
I'm not giving him a lot of material to work with as he's not giving me a lot of material
46:35
to work with.
46:36
I respond.
46:38
Can you?
46:40
He responds.
46:41
Can I what?
46:42
You're not really tracking here with me.
46:45
I said, oh, and G all caps.
46:47
Can you wear a cape?
46:49
I need someone to enter a room with me with the ferocity and an aggression that only a
46:54
cape can bring.
46:55
I have a smoke machine and shoot fog into the room where we are going to add epic effect.
47:01
As you can imagine, it's a real head turner, but it does take 15 minutes.
47:06
Minutes.
47:07
Minutes.
47:08
Excuse me.
47:10
Let me say that word right.
47:21
I guess it's a real head turner, but it does take about 15 minutes per room you're trying
47:26
to get into.
47:28
You will also need to go ahead and practice.
47:31
Yeah.
47:32
Well, you have to set up the smoke.
47:34
Every room you're about to go into, you have to find a plug.
47:37
You have to get the angle right on the smoke machines.
47:39
You know, it takes a minute.
47:41
You also need to go ahead and practice a dance.
47:43
I have handcrafted for the entrances.
47:46
I don't have a speaker, so I'll be doing the music we are dancing to with my mouth.
47:51
So basically, I'm going to beatbox for him.
47:54
He responds.
47:55
No, I ain't doing that.
47:57
I'm just trying to get someone in my bed.
47:59
I ain't trying to do crazy stuff like that.
48:02
What happened to just bent generally be a row?
48:05
Oh, yeah.
48:06
Yeah, no, he, um, he really came out and said, actually, just trying to bone someone.
48:13
Well, yeah, it was obvious from the first kissy face emoji that he just didn't want
48:17
to generally be friends with somebody.
48:19
I'm just saying he lied in his post.
48:22
Yeah.
48:23
Not like someone on Craig's.
48:25
I'm sorry that you have so much trust for just a Craigslist post.
48:30
What is this guy Edna Mole?
48:31
Why does he hate Cape so much?
48:33
Yeah, that's true.
48:34
Yeah, I don't know.
48:36
Evan's just such a trusting person.
48:38
He's just like, I trust everything that's ever posted on Craigslist.
48:41
These people are probably being honest.
48:43
I respond to him saying, no, I ain't doing that.
48:46
I'm just here to get someone in bed.
48:48
I'm not trying to do some crazy stuff like that.
48:50
I say we can bring your bed.
48:52
I didn't know you're bed ridden.
48:56
We can do the plan, but I will just push you in your bed through the door.
49:00
I hope the bed is small.
49:02
Otherwise, I will just keep slamming the bed into the doorframe until something different
49:06
happens.
49:07
I'm very determined.
49:10
Or maybe we can just tie a rope to my waist and tie the other end to your ankles, then
49:16
just drag you through the fog glazed door like an Alaskan husky dragging a limp short
49:22
little dog sled.
49:25
Still attacking about his height.
49:28
He goes on to say, what the F are you talking about?
49:31
I can walk.
49:32
I don't need no bed unless we're having sex.
49:37
And you got me wrong if you think you're about to drag me with a rope.
49:41
Don't call me short again.
49:45
So this guy's upset.
49:48
I go on to say, listen, don't get short with me, Mr. Frodo.
49:55
I'm glad we don't have to bring your bed.
49:59
That was going to get complicated.
50:00
What do I have to do to get you to do this plan with me?
50:04
Right.
50:05
So I'm trying to compromise.
50:06
I'm sure we all know the answer here.
50:08
Right.
50:09
No, I'd wait till the next message.
50:11
Come over to my house and bring some drink.
50:14
We will see where the night goes.
50:16
Then maybe I will do what you want.
50:19
I go on to say, do I need a gun?
50:26
He goes on to say, what?
50:32
I go on to say a boomstick, a pew pew, a Columbine special, you know, you know, a gun.
50:42
He says, why the heck do you need a gun?
50:47
I said to go hunting.
50:53
He goes on to say, we ain't going hunting slut.
50:58
Why the heck do you think we're going hunting?
51:02
That's a valid question.
51:05
I'm confused about as well.
51:08
I said, well, you said that we'll see where the night takes us.
51:11
It might take us hunting.
51:13
Shoot.
51:14
I don't have camo.
51:15
Do you have a few rows of scotch tape and some leaves?
51:18
I'll do a DIY camo and tape some leaves to myself.
51:24
Put the L in front of the E in that word.
51:26
So it says, slip.
51:31
I'll do a DIY camo and tape some leaves to my slap.
51:39
Slap sounds like some Icelandic word.
51:41
He's like, slap is Icelandic for grandpa.
51:47
Come tape some leaves to my slap.
51:49
I don't know.
51:53
I don't know.
51:55
This is a typo.
51:56
Good Lord.
51:58
He goes on to say the night ain't about to take us hunting.
52:02
We're drinking and staying in my bed.
52:05
Don't tape leaves to your darn self.
52:08
I don't want that stuff in my bed.
52:10
This guy, he is really just only after one thing.
52:15
He brings it back no matter what I say.
52:18
You are arguably being incredibly annoying to him, but he really to a certain extent
52:23
doesn't care.
52:24
He just wants you there.
52:25
If you don't forget, he did say he could sniff a scam a mile away.
52:31
So either he has a bad sniffer or I'm not a scam.
52:39
Like as we pose the question to you, is this a scam?
52:43
Maybe not.
52:44
If he takes me up on it, I'll do it with him.
52:46
Go hunting?
52:47
Yeah, I'll go hunting.
52:48
I need to specify.
52:49
I'll go hunting.
52:51
I go on to say, eh, I don't know.
52:54
I exclusively sleep on leaves.
52:56
I walk around my bed like a dog does before laying down.
53:00
Do I also bark?
53:02
Yeah.
53:03
And I'm bringing a gun.
53:05
You can never have too much protection.
53:08
He goes on to say, you kinky, huh?
53:12
And don't bring a gun, slut.
53:17
He tries to act sensual for half the message and then the other half he's like talking
53:22
to his little brother.
53:24
I think he's just looking for things.
53:36
He's just trying to get it back.
53:38
You're outdoors, dirty.
53:41
You're barking like a dog.
53:47
Bow wow, girl.
53:49
I don't know.
53:51
I go on to say, fine, I'll bring my authentic Japanese katana.
53:58
You should also know I am easily startled and will start swinging it with my eyes closed
54:03
with complete abandon.
54:05
I have chopped off many a nose because of it.
54:09
He goes on to say, you sound dangerous.
54:11
You not worth it.
54:12
I mean, probably right.
54:13
You not worth it.
54:14
Yeah, you not worth it.
54:15
But he obviously thought you were worth it for some time because he's been making it
54:16
for a long time.
54:17
He obviously thought you were worth it for some time because he's been messaging you
54:22
back and forth for a while now.
54:24
He was fine with guns, but he's like draws a line at a Japanese katana.
54:28
Yeah, like, I don't know.
54:30
I just crossed the line there.
54:31
Is he the government?
54:32
Yeah.
54:33
Is it racist?
54:34
I don't know.
54:35
Maybe it was the Japanese part.
54:37
He's still really hung up on Pearl Harbor.
54:41
He said, you sound dangerous.
54:42
You not worth it.
54:43
I go on to say those are the exact two things my dad used to say to until I chopped off
54:50
his tongue with my authentic Japanese katana.
54:54
Now all he says is, I don't know how to spell that.
55:02
So I think you did.
55:03
You did good.
55:04
Yeah.
55:05
He goes on to say nothing.
55:07
That was it.
55:08
Oh, Zach.
55:09
I just want you to know that this man does not specify your worth.
55:14
Just know you find your net worth in yourself.
55:16
Okay.
55:17
I'm my net worth in myself.
55:18
Your love of feudal Japanese weapons.
55:22
Don't let this guy.
55:23
Yeah.
55:24
Don't let him stop.
55:25
Don't let him stop you.
55:26
Thanks guys.
55:27
I'm glad I have y'all support.
55:30
Just the emotional support of my freaks here.
55:33
You can bring a Japanese katana to my house anytime.
55:36
Thank you for being my general friend.
55:41
I will let you be around me generally.
55:43
You're just like, he's my friend.
55:47
I breathe the same air he does.
55:51
Just don't tape leaves to yourself.
55:54
That's where I draw the line.
55:55
Or bring a gun.
55:57
Anyway, thanks for listening.
56:01
That's it.
56:02
Go on with your lives.
56:03
Excitingwas 네 pets.
56:20
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
56:25
Expect the detour.