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Work Stress: You Look Fine. So Why Does Resentment Feel So Heavy? · Work Stress Anxiety | Burnout Prevention & Work Anxiety Help

• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Great story teaches us something about being human.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Cheryl Parris and this is Work Stress Anxiety.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Together let's borrow a little wisdom from a story to help us navigate a very modern world.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: A few years ago, I was trying to juggle my day job, this podcast, and studying for my advanced diploma in hypnotherapy.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was summer, and I was already struggling to find any time that actually felt like mine.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's really interesting.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have a friend who recently finished her social work degree, and she, of course, is absolutely hilated.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: All the things I remember her saying to me a few months ago is that she had zero social life.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I really get that.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, like I said, it was summertime.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: My mum wanted me to help her redesign and replant her garden.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember that having that sinking feeling, that internal drop that says, you genuinely have no idea how busy I am.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because it wasn't simply about the garden.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: It felt like one more person assumed that I would somehow find the time.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because I usually did, right?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Before I say, I tell you what happened next, I just want to welcome and thank a new listener in Maidenhead in Berkshire, not very far away from where I live.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You listened to my episode about the fear of initiative at work, high-functioning anxiety, and leadership.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I really appreciate you being here.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps this story will feel familiar because high-functioning women are often very, very good at appearing, available long after their actual capability batteries have left the building.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, people become accustomed to us finding a way, and eventually we can become accustomed to expecting it from ourselves too, right?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my mum lives about 65 miles away from me, right?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: She also has my two brothers, two amazing sons, living very close.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: One lives about a mile away, and the other roughly about 10 miles.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: So part of me was thinking, well, why can't you ask them?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if the garden mattered this much, why hadn't she mentioned it months earlier when I might have been able to plan around it?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I wanted to enjoy some of my summer.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, this was slightly radically ambitious for me.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the resentment came because I didn't feel that I was being asked to help.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I felt as if I was being handed responsibility for making the whole thing happen.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the honest thought underneath it all was like I said, you have no idea how much I'm carrying, mum.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew I needed to honour the commitment that I'd already made.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: My work mattered, the podcast mattered, uh, studying mattered, having a bit of a my own life kind of mattered.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So in the end, I said no.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I explained that I needed to commit to what I'd already committed to.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate the answer was difficult because I knew my mum might experience it as a bit of rejection.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I expected disappointment, silence, and the occasional reminder that would ensure the guilt remained rather well maintained, even if the garden isn't, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Afterwards, I avoided speaking to my mum for a while.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I don't care about her, I love her dearly.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: What but it was what she was doing or didn't want a relationship with her, it wasn't because of that.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I knew we would exchange the pleasantries and then return to how disappointed she was in me.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, I reminded myself that she had always rooted for me.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: She loves me and has loved me, and I love her.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't fully understand everything I had committed to.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps she couldn't see the situation in the same way that I could.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: But understanding that didn't suddenly make the request reasonable or make me available, right?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now that experience brought me back to something I often say to client and friends.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can only do your side of a relationship, right?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you're the daughter, you you can do your best to be a good daughter.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can be honest, caring, respectful.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can't also become the mother and manufacture the response you wish your mom would have.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: If the same way if you're a parent, you can only do your side as the parent.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot force your child, particularly your adult child, to think, feel, or respond according to the relationship you have imagined.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Care belongs on your side.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Control doesn't.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might already have noticed how easily those lines become blurred at work, right?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You give someone clear information, they feel responsible, but then you feel responsible for whether they accept it.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You offer support, then quietly take over because watching them struggle feels unbearable.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You decline an unreasonable request, then spend the rest of the day preparing your defense in case someone questions your commitment.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Taking ownership is valuable, but to me, ownership can expand until you're carrying the task, the outcome, and everyone else's emotional responses to it.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're already exhausted, that doesn't make you more dependable.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think it makes you more resentful, if I'm honest.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the same pattern appeared um in the experience of Sara, an anonymous 45-year-old team leader.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Sara had repeatedly supported a member of staff whose work, from her perspective, remained inconsistent.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: She would explain, help, and coach.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Things might improve, and then another problem would appear.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And during one conversation, Sara felt warmth and frustration rising through her body.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: She nearly shouted at the employee.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: She wanted this employee to become more independent, but underneath that reasonable expectation was another one.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sara felt she should somehow be able to make the employee improve.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't only doing her job, she was trying to produce someone else's part of the outcome.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, why does this matter?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sara was sleeping poorly and carrying significant demands outside of work.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: With her capacity already low, every request for help felt more and more personal to her.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: She began interpreting this particular employee's different way of learning as a refusal to listen.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: One possibility is that Sara was measuring this person against what she herself would have needed.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Her speed, her standards, her way of understanding.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean genuine performance concern should be ignored.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nor does pressure excuse shouting at somebody.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: It means I think that Sara needs a clearer question.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: What genuinely belongs to her as the manager, and what has she taken responsibility for because uncertainty felt too hard for her to tolerate.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the way that's there's probably three parts worth separating out here.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: There is your side, communication, choices, behavior, boundaries, and responsibilities.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the other person's side, how they respond, what they practice, whether they engage, and the choices they make.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the kind of wider system, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Workload, resources, organizational expectations, family history, power, and practical limitations.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when those become, those three things become blurred or bunched together, you can feel responsible for outcomes that you were never capable of controlling alone.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, separating them isn't about washing your hands of the situation, it's about seeing clearly enough to act fairly.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because resentment might sometimes be a sign that responsibility has become blurred.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you agree to something you didn't have capacity for.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you offered support and gradually became responsible for the results.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps a wider system quietly transferred its failure onto the most dependable person available, aka you.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean every resentful feeling proves someone else is at fault.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean is it's about testing the evidence.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: It means the feeling may be worth examining before you shame yourself for having it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, once you understand what you've been carrying, I think it's then easier for you to start deciding what is genuinely yours to change.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, for what I'm offering you to do, or even a suggestion, is for seven days you might experiment with one recurring relationship or workplace frustration.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And every time it appears, I want you to ask yourself four questions.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: What belongs to my side?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: What belongs to the other person?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: What belongs to the wider situation or system?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what is the next fair action available to me?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: A few words on your phone will do.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about, you know, um creating loads of administration for your emotional life.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is all about gathering evidence.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you may discover that there is something you need to communicate, change, or stop avoiding.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may also discover that you have been treating someone else's disappointment, development, or decision as though it was another task with your name kind of written on it.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in my situation, my side was, I thought, being honest with my mum, respecting my existing commitments and saying no without being deliberately hurtful.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Her disappointment, sorry to say mum, belongs to her side.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: The distance and the practical options around the garden were part of the wider situation.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And for Sara, her side includes clear expectations, appropriate support, and respectful management.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: The employee's engagement and work belongs to the employee.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Training, workloads, organizational processes belonging to the wider system.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Neither example removes responsibility, but I think it places responsibility where it can actually be acted upon, which is, I think, far more useful than simply collecting it all of it for yourself.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this experiment cannot make another person understand your commitments.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: It can't guarantee that a colleague will change or persuade an organization to provide the resources it should already have provided.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: What it may offer is a is cleaner information about where your influence ends and what is a fair next step.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this episode has brought another woman to mind, right, who you think you might want to share this with, get her to go to share thepodcast.com forward slash work stressanxiety.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not another diagnosis, not a disguised instruction, simply as a reminder that caring about something doesn't mean every part of it she has to carry.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I could love my mum, remember all these ways that she has rooted for me, and still decide that redesigning her garden wasn't mine to take on, at least at that point.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And Sara could care about her employee, provide support, and still recognize that she couldn't learn or perform on that person's behalf.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: That is the quieter shift.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to become harder, colder, or less generous.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you just need enough clarity to know where generosity has become over-responsibility and enough self-respect to stop measuring your care by how much someone else's burden you can absorb.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can do your part well without becoming responsible for the whole relationship.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So just for today, choose one frustration that has been taking up too much room in your head, as my friend Andy would say, live in there rent-free.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself what belongs to me, what belongs to them, and what belongs to the wider situation.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then choose one fair action from your side.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing more.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to become someone else.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: You need to take the next meaningful step.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if you remember one sentence from today, let it be this: caring about someone doesn't require you to carry their side of the relationship as well.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Trust in your journey and remember, progress is progress no matter the pace.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you something useful to carry into your week.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now finish your coffee, take a breath, and remember progress is progress no matter the pace.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.