Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Let Your Child Treat You Like Garbage!

Transcript

Don't Let Your Child Treat You Like Garbage! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hello, and welcome to the dr. Psych mom show on this episode.
• 0:11
  We will be talking about one of my very favorite topics in
• 0:14
  today's child, centered culture, which is guess what happens if
• 0:19
  you let your kids treat you like garbage?
• 0:22
  Now, if anybody has been parenting in this planet
• 0:27
  recently and by recently, I mean, maybe the past 10 years
• 0:31
  but it ramps up with every day, you see how Old centered, the
• 0:35
  culture is, the parents needs are put very, very low on the
• 0:41
  totem pole and the children come at all costs their their needs.
• 0:46
  Forget about their needs, their need should come first, but
• 0:48
  their wants come before the parents needs, which is crazy.
• 0:52
  I mean, to make it not child-related analogy, in BDSM
• 0:57
  the Dom's and the sub are supposed to have their needs and
• 1:00
  wants like this supposed to be the subs needs come first.
• 1:04
  First then the Dom's needs, then the subs wants, then the Doms
• 1:10
  want, maybe I messed that up. Either way the Doms want or
• 1:14
  still supposed to come below the subs needs, but it's wants come
• 1:18
  before the subs want. Now this is makes sense so the
• 1:22
  person who's independent, which in my analogy would be the
• 1:25
  submissive or the child, their needs come first, but then the
• 1:30
  other person there wants should come and they're need should
• 1:34
  Before the dependence want, because that person needs to put
• 1:37
  on their own oxygen mask. Now, I know you don't have a
• 1:41
  BDSM relationship with your children.
• 1:43
  If you do, you're my podcast. Should not be your first stop.
• 1:46
  You know, that? That should be a different sort
• 1:49
  of care that you might need. But the point is here, if you
• 1:53
  got to take care of somebody, you cannot make your own day
• 1:57
  terrible and never indulge any of your wants because then
• 2:00
  you're not going to have the capacity to take care of their
• 2:02
  actual needs. So if you let your children
• 2:07
  stamp all over your needs and your wants, then you are going
• 2:13
  to end up burned out and depleted and your children are
• 2:16
  going to think that the world revolves around them.
• 2:20
  Also. And this is something that
• 2:23
  nobody wants. If you let your children get all
• 2:27
  of their individual little whims and desires catered to at the
• 2:31
  expense of your own, guess what? They're going to turn into a
• 2:35
  narcissist. Why?
• 2:37
  Because they never have to go without any little Indulgence at
• 2:41
  home. So when they become adults,
• 2:45
  they're not going to want to go without that.
• 2:46
  Either, they have been trained to expect that Needs wants
• 2:52
  little whims anything and Frances get indulged at the
• 2:57
  expense of the other person. If they don't understand that,
• 3:00
  they have to sometimes not get their needs met, then this means
• 3:05
  that as an adult, in an intimate relationship, they're also going
• 3:08
  to think the same thing. So if your son sits around does
• 3:14
  basically nothing, he doesn't want to, do you say you'd like
• 3:18
  to watch something on TV? Well, if you even if you even
• 3:21
  say that sometimes parents, don't even say what they want to
• 3:24
  watch on TV, you would already be ahead of the curve.
• 3:26
  You say that. And he says, no, no, no, we got
• 3:28
  to watch what I wanted then you let you let him do that.
• 3:31
  Guess who's 30 year old ass? Is going to be on the couch
• 3:35
  acting like that same Tyrant to his own wife.
• 3:39
  You know, twenty years from now. You are going to feel very
• 3:43
  deeply embarrassed at that point and there will be nothing to do
• 3:46
  about it. Something that used to be
• 3:49
  considered Default perspective on the world but is no longer.
• 3:54
  Is that parenting is basically supposed to train the child.
• 3:58
  How to Be an Effective adult in the world.
• 4:01
  It is not supposed to just make them happy in the moment.
• 4:04
  This doesn't mean to go out of your way to make your kids
• 4:06
  unhappy, but there are natural consequences of treating them
• 4:10
  like people not like the center of the universe.
• 4:13
  But like people and some of those involved in other people's
• 4:16
  preferences are going to come first.
• 4:18
  And this is something that will make them.
• 4:20
  I'm better as an adult as an employee as a partner and as a
• 4:24
  parent themselves because they will over time, gradually, get
• 4:30
  used to the idea that they are not the center of the universe
• 4:33
  and that they're not supposed to be and that in any given day,
• 4:37
  all of the family members deserve to do the things that
• 4:40
  they want to do and the parents who bust their asses working.
• 4:44
  In fact deserve to pick what they do with their own money,
• 4:47
  more than the children do well. The children grow up and they
• 4:52
  work and they have their own money, then they can pick what
• 4:55
  they do all the time. So this is sort of anathema.
• 4:59
  Now a days because people who were treated as nonentities
• 5:05
  growing up, they tried to go 180 degrees opposite which means
• 5:09
  that the children are the only entities and the parents
• 5:12
  themselves act like nonentities. Now, this would be whenever you
• 5:16
  go 180 degrees to counter something that Our own parents.
• 5:20
  Did you already know you're probably not going down the
• 5:22
  right path because if they were crazy on one end of the
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  spectrum. Now, you don't want to be crazy
• 5:26
  on the other end of the spectrum, you got to be
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  somewhere in between, there is a whole generation of kids who
• 5:31
  felt that their needs were completely invalidated.
• 5:34
  And so then they swing the pendulum over so that the child
• 5:38
  never has to be invalidated for one single second.
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  And I write about this a lot in my post specifically about, do
• 5:44
  not over, validate your child. In this case, I see parents who
• 5:48
  the child has one eyebrow. I'll moves in a direction and
• 5:51
  the parents is already jumping up with roget's thesaurus, about
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  all the possible feelings, a child could be feeling not even
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  allowing the child to have the mental emotional or even
• 6:01
  physical space to figure out what they may be feeling
• 6:03
  themselves. Sometimes, they're not really
• 6:06
  very upset at all but then in comes the well-meaning parent.
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  Oh my God. That seems so hard for you.
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  Are you having some big feelings, etc?
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  Etc, etc. Then the child thinks a my
• 6:18
  feelings are the center of the universe.
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  It's terrible to have a big feeling.
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  See, I didn't think I was that upset, but I mean, I must be so
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  it's like really like deeply and validating that leads to a lot
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  of confusion, you lie, to kids, who literally don't know what
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  they're feeling without the parent there, to tell them which
• 6:35
  we could probably. All agree, is not a mentally
• 6:37
  healthy outcome, but anyhow because these parents themselves
• 6:41
  were invalidated, they feel particularly and this is the
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  worst when you grow up with narcissistic parents yourself or
• 6:48
  borderline parents parents, who Struggle with depression
• 6:50
  anxiety, substance abuse. Trauma any of this.
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  So, the parents didn't have the bandwidth to really acknowledge
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  the child's existence as a separate entity at all.
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  So, then the parent who's now in their 30s 40s, 50s.
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  They decide they will never replicate this.
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  And instead, the child will be the center of everything all the
• 7:09
  time. This is completely wrong, too.
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  And in fact, it's interesting because there's this whole
• 7:16
  Failure to Launch thing where kids don't leave their parents
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  house at some point. This occurs to the parents.
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  This is bad. Well, how did this happen?
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  Well, you know what happened? I don't like to do anything that
• 7:27
  they don't want to do. They don't like to they'd rather
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  they don't find any value in doing anything.
• 7:32
  They don't want to do because you never had to do it because
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  they were always protected from any sort of distress the did not
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  learn any frustration tolerance and quite honestly don't they're
• 7:42
  really want to get away from the parents.
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  All because the parents still make the meal, still give them
• 7:46
  money, they give them free place to stay that you.
• 7:49
  I mean, kind of you would have to be a really unusual sort of
• 7:54
  person to get out of that sort of scenario, and to decide to do
• 7:59
  something difficult, like move out on your own.
• 8:03
  So anyhow what we're looking at here are parents that really are
• 8:08
  for all the best reasons, they don't want to replicate their
• 8:11
  own childhood, but they put the child on a pedestal and then
• 8:14
  they're surprised when the child turns around and treats them
• 8:16
  like garbage. And then when that carries
• 8:19
  through to treating friends badly, or eventually significant
• 8:23
  others. So, what should you do?
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  If you realize that your child is the one that doesn't really
• 8:29
  care how you feel, and what you want and really prioritize it.
• 8:33
  Selves at all times. First you got to look at what
• 8:36
  you are teaching them. Are you ever saying?
• 8:39
  No, it doesn't matter what you want to watch our TV.
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  It matters. What I want to watch a TV.
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  I am a person to you have just played Minecraft or done,
• 8:49
  whatever you wanted to do going outside.
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  Now it is my time to relax. Have you said that ever?
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  Or would you say well? I don't know.
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  Well, you know, maybe you would like it while, okay, fine forget
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  it, will do what you want. This is not your child's fault,
• 9:01
  then that your child is acting like a jerk.
• 9:03
  Jerk right? Your child is picking up, what
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  you're putting down and what you're putting down is that
• 9:07
  you're not important. Remember you, learn that in
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  childhood. Probably if this is how you act.
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  So you learned your not important in childhood and now
• 9:13
  you're teaching your child. The same thing.
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  This is why people end up saying, oh my God I'm so
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  triggered by my child that act just like my parent.
• 9:21
  Of course they do. You are acting like the person
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  that enables a narcissist you didn't deal, not your fault.
• 9:29
  Many people don't like to deal with this stuff but you have
• 9:31
  never processed and Through your own complicated relationship
• 9:35
  with your upper gate. So then you are your identity is
• 9:39
  the enabler of a narcissist. So now you got a new person in
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  your life called your child and what, how you going to act like
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  the enabler of a narcissist? Well, there's then only one role
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  that your child can fall into, which is a narcissist.
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  I mean, you're acting like, you don't matter.
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  So how is your child going to realize that you matter?
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  How do you then change this Dynamic?
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  Well, the first way is to specifically tell your child
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  that A change is coming. You can say I have noticed that
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  I am very resentful because I don't get any of the things in a
• 10:16
  day to do that. I like to do.
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  I feel like I have created this problem by doing things only
• 10:23
  that you want to do and so we're going to change your child's.
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  Not Really Gonna know what this means, but I'm It is always
• 10:30
  useful to get into the practice of telling people what's
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  happening whenever you're going to change.
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  That's only fair. So then what what happens?
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  So let's say you want to read your book instead of playing.
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  Well then you read your book. Instead of play, you say to your
• 10:43
  child know, I really liked my book, I'm enjoying reading my
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  book. I mean, this reading thing is
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  just so funny because parents want the child to learn to read
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  and to love to read, they never see the parents read, barely
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  ever, because the parent is so busy.
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  You know, it dealing with the child and doing what the child
• 11:02
  wants. And if you read in front of the
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  child, that is such a good predictor of whether your child
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  is going to end up liking to read.
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  Because now they view it as something that adults like to
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  do. So anyway, you could say, no, I
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  would rather read my book, then play, whatever game or if your
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  child is somebody that doesn't ask about your day and you
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  somehow think that this comes out of the clear blue sky that
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  they would know how to do that or the The u.s. some about their
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  day, it doesn't. They have to be told like, they
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  have to be told anything else because they're a child, they
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  don't come out of the womb with any set idea about how to
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  behave. They're learning it from you.
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  So if you say to your child, how was your day and they tell you,
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  then you say, okay? So ask how was my day and your
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  child will always say how was your day.
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  Go look at you a little weird maybe but usually they say, all
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  right. How was your day?
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  And then you actually talked, Out your day.
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  You said, well, this part about my job was interesting or this
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  part was frustrating or this thing happened.
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  That I like to write that. I didn't like and then your
• 12:08
  child, if they look away and they start looking at, you know,
• 12:10
  their device or something, you also say, Hey listen, that's
• 12:13
  rude, come back. I'm still talking and you talk
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  for a couple of minutes about your day.
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  This means that your child is learning that somebody else's
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  day is important. And they actually no words to
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  say to ask about somebody's day and a way to act facially and In
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  their nonverbal cues. When this person is talking
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  about their day, you can also prompt your children to be nicer
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  to your co-parent. Hey ask Dad how his day was hey
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  ask Dad if he needs help unpacking the groceries.
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  Hey, seems like Dad is a little bit tired.
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  Maybe leave him alone right now. So parents can also look out for
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  each other in promoting empathy with the child, people do this
• 12:55
  with their sibling, with the child and the other children.
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  So you're Always say be nice to your sister.
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  Be nice to your brother but when they do not see adults being
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  nice to each other or when they don't have to be nice to adult
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  the whole thing. Seems kind of stupid you know
• 13:11
  kids don't really like doing stuff that's just for kids and
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  just on principle, you know, it's like doing those endless.
• 13:16
  See, you know, phonics worksheets or something that you
• 13:19
  know, is just kind of busy work. So if you're supposed to be nice
• 13:22
  to your sister and brother, but then Mom and Dad aren't really,
• 13:24
  very nice to each other and you're supposed to ask about,
• 13:27
  you know, how your sisters dancer.
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  Idol was, but you never asked anything to adult.
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  Well, you know, it doesn't seem as real, it doesn't seem as
• 13:34
  all-encompassing philosophy. You know, to look out for other
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  people because most of the people in the home are not
• 13:40
  included. IE the adults.
• 13:43
  Similarly, if you have some sort of interest that you would like
• 13:46
  to pursue that your child is not interested in.
• 13:49
  Well again, how are they going to come out of the womb
• 13:52
  interested in things without being exposed to them multiple
• 13:55
  times? There's research that you have
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  to be exposed to a new food. I think 12 times or maybe more
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  before you even know if you like it or not before you can acquire
• 14:04
  a taste. It's the same thing for anything
• 14:06
  else. So if you are hobby, is Playing
• 14:11
  your guitar and your child is on interested.
• 14:14
  Well, your child needs to try a whole bunch doing it with you
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  just like you do your child's Hobbies with them.
• 14:19
  Just like you, facilitate all of their Hobbies.
• 14:22
  Well, if your desire is to have, you think would be nice is for
• 14:26
  your child and you to play guitar together?
• 14:28
  Why not? Make that a fun thing for them
• 14:31
  to do, by the way, this also helps your life dramatically
• 14:34
  when the stuff you do with your kids and stuff that you actually
• 14:37
  like instead of stuff that only they like.
• 14:40
  So, If a lot of the time you play board games, or you take
• 14:45
  them sledding or you do whatever it is that they like the most.
• 14:49
  But then sometimes they play guitar with you or scrapbook
• 14:54
  with you or play piano with you or read a book with you or
• 14:59
  whatever it is that you like then they learn.
• 15:01
  Oh I don't only do things that I like I also do things that the
• 15:04
  other person likes and you know what?
• 15:06
  I didn't like it at first but now I do and you can also narrow
• 15:10
  Eight that whenever your child changes their mind about
• 15:12
  something. Or when you do so that your
• 15:14
  child doesn't think that their preferences are etched in stone
• 15:17
  or that human preferences in general, are etched in stone.
• 15:21
  Oh, I didn't really think I would like that but then it
• 15:23
  turned out, I did. Oh remember when you didn't
• 15:25
  think that you would like carrots and now you like carrots
• 15:28
  Etc. People are always changing and
• 15:30
  growing and learning is the point of that.
• 15:34
  So to summarize here, if your child treat you kind of like
• 15:38
  garbage and this is something that you know, Can't birthdays
• 15:41
  are just on your run-of-the-mill day of the week or, you know,
• 15:44
  birthdays by which I mean your birthday.
• 15:46
  Speaking of which you can tell your child to do a nice job for
• 15:49
  your birthday. You can say, yes, I would like X
• 15:53
  for my birthday and you can have your co-parent.
• 15:56
  Go get you a gift with the child that you actually want.
• 16:01
  Now, it's nice to get something made out of popsicle sticks or a
• 16:04
  little picture. It's also nice to get a nice
• 16:07
  normal present, the sort of present that you would like your
• 16:10
  child to. Be able to get for a friend or
• 16:12
  for later, a significant other an actual present, a shirt, or a
• 16:17
  CD or, you know, anything a book something that's for you, not
• 16:21
  for, not not, not just something that they whip up that morning
• 16:25
  because they nobody really wanted to impinge upon their
• 16:28
  precious time and make them do something.
• 16:31
  That might be a burden to them. So, yes, adult birthday should
• 16:35
  be celebrated with similar Pomp and Circumstance to the child's
• 16:39
  birthday. Have to be a party at Chuck E
• 16:41
  cheese. I wouldn't wish that on my worst
• 16:43
  enemy but it could be something that you like like a nice dinner
• 16:46
  out as a family and a gift and some cards and a cake, that's a
• 16:51
  nice way to celebrate an adult's birthday.
• 16:54
  Now if for some reason you do this for your spouse and they
• 16:56
  never do it for you then you're also letting your spouse treat
• 16:58
  you like shit. So I mean that would be take
• 17:01
  some of the tips from here and move them to your spouse.
• 17:05
  Odds are in that situation. You think well my spouse has an
• 17:08
  adult. If they don't value me, there's
• 17:10
  nothing. I could do about it, they're
• 17:11
  just a jerk and you know my life is sucks, you know?
• 17:15
  No. That is not how that should go.
• 17:17
  It's likely you saw one parent treating, another poorly when
• 17:19
  you were growing up. So you think that's the only
• 17:21
  thing, the only possible Dynamic but it's not similar.
• 17:25
  So you can say to a spouse for my birthday.
• 17:27
  I would like a cake and a dinner out on a gift and if your spouse
• 17:31
  really cannot do that, then that's what couples counseling
• 17:34
  is for things like that. Where one spouse and the other
• 17:37
  spouse cannot meet each other's needs after Shit.
• 17:41
  And then a third party can often help iron that out.
• 17:44
  But that's an aside back to your narcissistic children or the
• 17:47
  children that we are preventing from becoming narcissistic.
• 17:50
  So these children should understand, there are ways to
• 17:52
  celebrate a birthday. There are things to ask another
• 17:54
  human being when you see them. How was your day?
• 17:57
  Did you have a good day? What did you do today?
• 18:00
  That's also from the child to the parent as well.
• 18:03
  Also, you shouldn't be doing all of the child's preferred
• 18:07
  activities without yours. You should be doing your Third
• 18:10
  activities, a lot of the time. Remember, my BDSM analogy.
• 18:15
  There you are. The one who is taking care of
• 18:18
  this whole shebang. They are the dependent.
• 18:20
  While it is important to feed them.
• 18:22
  When they are hungry, you know, and to do all of their basic
• 18:25
  needs. Your wants should come next.
• 18:29
  You want to take a trip to Florida, so the family goes to
• 18:32
  Florida, they're going to enjoy Florida.
• 18:35
  If you frame it like that, it doesn't matter if they would
• 18:38
  rather sit at home and play video games.
• 18:40
  There's still Want to go to Florida because you are an
• 18:43
  important valuable human being. And if you do not train your
• 18:47
  child, that you're an important valuable human being.
• 18:49
  There is no way that in later relationships, they're going to
• 18:52
  understand that the other partner is also a valuable human
• 18:57
  being. And they're not the only one who
• 18:59
  has valid desires If you really struggle with this concept and
• 19:04
  you are racked with guilt over, the idea of not indulging, your
• 19:08
  child, then therapy can be super helpful.
• 19:12
  I am betting, there's a lot of family of origin stuff going on
• 19:16
  and parents who through no fault of their own did not have the
• 19:19
  bandwidth to focus on somebody's needs that were not theirs, and
• 19:23
  you did not learn that. You were very important and
• 19:25
  you're carrying that cycle forward.
• 19:27
  In order to break the Cycle Therapy, can really help you
• 19:30
  both understand the Origin of the pattern, observe it
• 19:34
  happening in real time and then work to change it in various
• 19:39
  moments. When you would go back to the
• 19:42
  old Behavior, you can challenge yourself to engage in a slightly
• 19:45
  new Behavior. So that that's how therapy can
• 19:49
  help with this idea of getting out of the children, treating
• 19:52
  you like garbage Zone, If you enjoyed this podcast I hope that
• 19:56
  you did, please let me know. I like doing these.
• 20:00
  I've gotten a lot of feedback that it's interesting to hear
• 20:04
  some of my posts discussed in more depth, so that is always
• 20:08
  useful. I can get a lot more words into
• 20:11
  a podcast that I can into a post.
• 20:13
  So let me know other topics that you'd like to hear and have a
• 20:17
  great day.