Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Women Are Generally Shy In Bed (But Porn Makes You Think That's Unusual/Bad)

Transcript

Women Are Generally Shy In Bed (But Porn Makes You Think That's Unusual/Bad) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show, today, I'm going to talk about how women
• 0:11
  are actually pretty shy in bed usually and why men don't think
• 0:16
  this I puts right there in the headline, it's poor.
• 0:19
  And I believe that makes men not think that women are generally
• 0:23
  shy in bed, that's used to be taken as a defining principle of
• 0:28
  life and marriage. But no longer and I'll be
• 0:31
  talking about how I see this manifest right after Tell you to
• 0:36
  subscribe because I have lots of great subscriber episodes.
• 0:39
  I have why not to tell your wife to get a hobby?
• 0:42
  I have don't be a whiner. I have plenty of other ones
• 0:46
  about sex. While your wife's personality
• 0:48
  changes after kids your wife, she got a chance to complain
• 0:51
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• 0:54
  life. Don't lie about your sexual past
• 0:57
  unconditional, love the goal and all these other ones.
• 1:00
  So definitely, subscribe and also join my Facebook group.
• 1:03
  And also, if you Ever need therapy.
• 1:06
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• 1:08
  My group online practice, where we have clinicians in lots of
• 1:12
  different states, mostly here in the DMV.
• 1:15
  The DC Maryland, Virginia area, but some other states as well.
• 1:19
  And I personally can can do therapy.
• 1:21
  And a lot of States vs, I packed the reciprocity agreement, but
• 1:27
  anyhow. So moving on to the topic at
• 1:30
  hand. So a lot of guys nowadays more
• 1:34
  so than the you Stu come in and there's like this idea that
• 1:38
  women if there's guys that they really like women are like sex
• 1:45
  fiends and then the guy ends up with like this worst version of
• 1:51
  the wife. That's just like not really into
• 1:53
  him because she just viewed him as like a breadwinner or like
• 1:56
  something or other. And that is why she's not like a
• 1:59
  wildcat in the sack and this is just like wrong wrong wrong.
• 2:05
  The wrong. I mean, sure, there is likes
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  women that have wild phases and have done quote, Wild Things
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  usually when they're wasted when they're young and are
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  experimenting most women, the majority of women will also do
• 2:21
  those same things with you. When you were first dating,
• 2:24
  whatever it is that they used to do, they'll probably do with you
• 2:27
  if they if they won't you know, I have a whole podcast about
• 2:31
  when women refuse to do something about that they used
• 2:33
  to do with other guys which is fucked.
• 2:35
  Uh Polly. I will grant you that you know,
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  and I talk about that they are, but that's not the usual
• 2:41
  situation. The usual situation is that
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  there were a few Wilder things that your wife used to do back
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  when you were first dating because of the honeymoon, phase
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  on her adrenaline, and her hormone pump hormones puppet
• 2:53
  through her system. But then after that, she got shy
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  like because her hormone levels and her adrenaline receded, it
• 3:01
  was like she was drunk. Kind of all the time, I'm
• 3:03
  probably she was drunk, a lot of the time Andrea.
• 3:05
  Life. But during those early dates, he
• 3:08
  drink a lot, but anyhow like she was drunk on hormone.
• 3:12
  She was drunk on Energy, new relationship energy, it's called
• 3:16
  limerence infatuation and so yeah, she did some Wilder stuff,
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  but then now she's more shy. So women are more shy in bed.
• 3:26
  They don't have that, raging level of testosterone ever,
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  although testosterone is also responsible in concert with the
• 3:33
  other sex hormones. For women are estrogen and
• 3:36
  progesterone. Testosterone is also a big one
• 3:39
  for sex, not just in men, but in women, as well, which is why I
• 3:42
  advise people to have sex in the morning.
• 3:44
  So that's when testosterone peaks is, is 6 a.m. for both
• 3:47
  genders. But the point is here, women do
• 3:51
  not usually get into this, like, massively turned on state, where
• 3:57
  they're completely uninhibited without a lot of foreplay and a
• 4:03
  lot of mental, Effort and things going really well in the
• 4:08
  relationship. Women is inhibition levels are
• 4:11
  higher than those of men. This used to be considered
• 4:15
  totally normal, you know? But then what I think happened
• 4:20
  this is just my pet theory, is that men inundated their brains
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  and rewire them with constant internet porn.
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  And in porn women don't have any inhibitions and some guys say
• 4:33
  they only watch The Amateur stuff.
• 4:35
  That a lot. Okay, cool.
• 4:37
  Do you know that? Like a woman who's willing to
• 4:40
  videotape herself? Having sex is really unusual.
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  Like no you don't. I'm telling you that in this
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  podcast though trust me like that is like .001 percent of
• 4:52
  women that would you know allow a videotape of them having sex
• 4:57
  to be on the internet. Think about it I think your
• 5:00
  rational side knows I'm right. You know I mean it like okay so
• 5:04
  guys As yeah, marriage is has always been tough but like, it
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  was a little less tough when guys assumed that women just had
• 5:11
  a lower sex drive than they do. Like no shit.
• 5:14
  Like that's biology now I think because guys see all these women
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  including like MILFs and like all these like, you know,
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  married women and shit on the hotwives, so whatever, they
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  think it's real. Like they think that there's
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  really like a large large percent of women who are
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  completely uninhibited Bed and it's not real.
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  It's like not true. Women are more shy and awkward.
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  They were trying to be good girls, they were not trained to
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  like, you know, fantasize or masturbate.
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  Men are constantly shocked. When I see that, a lot of women
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  don't masturbate and don't fantasize.
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  Despite that this is true and real.
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  Most women don't really touch their vagina.
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  They really don't. They they don't really know much
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  about it, you know, they probably would be able to To
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  pick shit out on a little diagram, but that's because they
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  read Cosmo. The majority of women are not
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  like, just just like inundating their set themselves with with
• 6:16
  sexual thoughts and talk and research, they're just not, they
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  feel awkward and anxious and shy around it and they don't have
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  like that super high resting state of a sex drive to like
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  make them want to push past that, you know, like they don't
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  have a deep. Didn't yearning for sex
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  biologically, that would make them have to want to research
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  things, or explore things, or look up ways to, you know, have
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  different positions and bed or whatever the case may be.
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  So guys used to take that as like normal.
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  Like, okay, yeah, this is my wife with my wife.
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  We are basically just going to have, you know, normal sex like
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  missionary and maybe a couple other things guys didn't even
• 7:00
  used to expect oral from their wives, like, talk to talk to
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  somebody in your Ads generation. If you're a man listening to
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  this, you know, I mean people did not really expect their
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  wives to do crazy shit in bet. They assume that most quote good
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  girls didn't really do that. And, you know, that was to the
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  detriment. It like like everything, there's
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  pluses and negatives because for like super high sex drive women,
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  they don't want to be put into a box of somebody who has a low
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  sex drive like they want to be doing adventurous things and so
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  you know but of course in that case, they could always just say
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  that you Oh, and and then things would go find unless you're
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  partnered with the low libido, man.
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  But, you know, there's some women who are like, no, like,
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  I'm like super adventurous and yet totally, there are women
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  like that who are like, don't put me in a box of a boring wife
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  but my job is to kind of also help normalize what I usually
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  see and what I usually see at least two thirds of the time are
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  men who feel that there's some way to like unlock this porn
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  star potential and their wives. And like there is not like you
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  can get You totally get better in bed, you could totally
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  introduce her to some new things.
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  You could definitely, definitely increase foreplay.
• 8:14
  You could understand that she has other erogenous zones that
• 8:16
  aren't her vagina. You could go back and listen to
• 8:19
  my oral sex on women, subscriber episode and the ones on on
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  sexual technique in general. But there are not massive
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  amount, like, like other guys are having the same issues as
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  you like. There are not a lot of women who
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  are just like throwing themselves on their husbands,
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  sexually the minute, the guy walks in the door, that's porn
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  stuff. And I actually think that the
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  amateur stuff is more, you know, it's more Insidious because it
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  makes guys think that there's all these women that are out
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  there playing out these hotwife fantasies on.
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  The regular there are certainly, I am the first to say women have
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  a fast, sexual potential often unexpected.
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  Explored and unknown because they as I've written and spoken
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  about have never had good sex. Don't know how to ask for and
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  the guy doesn't know what it is either.
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  So I'm in no way saying that you shouldn't research, how to be a
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  better lover and be more open with your wife about your
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  desires, and if your woman listening to this, you know,
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  read up erotic stories and read up on researching, your own body
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  and the book come as you are, people like things like that,
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  but This is to kind of make make sense of the world.
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  If you are a man who thinks that like your sex life is kind of
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  boring. And you think that's like
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  unusual because you have an unusually inhibited wife, you
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  got to really do some more research before concluding that
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  because honestly, she may be like the majority of women who
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  just want a man to kind of take over the quote No labor.
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  Ironically, of because women are always talking about wanting,
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  the, you know, the guy to take over emotional labor.
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  But in this case, it really is true.
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  If you're the one with the high sex drive, you got to take over
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  the emotional labor of figuring out how and what could make your
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  sex drive better. Because women naturally feel shy
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  talking about this stuff, they feel awkward.
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  So, like a lot of them don't fantasize, but a lot of them do
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  and just feel super awkward talking about it and that's
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  totally Normal for the lower sex drive partner in a relationship,
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  even if the woman has a high sex drive usually it's still not as
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  high as the guys and also she feels weirder talking about
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  fantasies and stuff because it isn't supposed to be something
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  that good girls do. And it isn't something that
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  she's ever really thought about is a key aspect of her identity.
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  Usually, even the highest sex drive women will usually feel
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  awkward or shy about certain aspects of their body or about
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  certain aspects of sex or About certain act, they'll feel
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  reticent and to think that there are all these women that don't
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  that is just crazy. I mean, that's just literally
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  out of porn. It's like the equivalent of if
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  your wife watched a lot of romantic movies and thought that
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  there are like guys who are always sweet and chivalrous and
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  generous and loving like every second and I never act like an
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  asshole, like that would be as per her.
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  She has a myth as this idea that there do exist, women who are
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  always ready to go and who are always down to explore.
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  And just, you know, talk about sex just like they're talking
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  about, you know, you know, go to the hair salon and same
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  casualness. Like that's really nothing that
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  I've seen. And I've, I've been a woman for
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  a long time and interacted with women and I've been in therapy
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  with couples for doing therapy with couples for.
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  I don't know. Now, since In 2009 and it just
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  doesn't happen. So, if you are somebody, who's
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  allowed yourself to think that there are these other guys like
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  that are in such a much better situation than you.
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  Yeah, for sure there are all, there's a whole, you know,
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  normal distribution of how women responded sex and I have lots of
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  Articles and stuff about like ways to tell that your partner
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  will never be that into sex and sexless marriages, certainly
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  like if you're not having sex at all, if your wife refuses to
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  ever talk, About sex like if she's disgusted if she's
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  squeamish but put off by everything if like she doesn't
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  like any noises or sounds or touches or kissing or like I've
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  talked about all this kind of thing then.
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  Yeah. Like then you are in a bad spot
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  and I've tried to tell you ways to maybe work on some of that
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  stuff. But the more likely situation a
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  situation that I'm seeing more now, is women that do respond
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  positively to the man initiating, sometimes they
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  initiate like if they've had it. Glass of wine.
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  They may initiate or if they're ovulating but they're positive.
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  When the guy ever see initiates. They do do a variety of things
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  in bed. Yeah they may want the light
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  off. Yeah.
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  They may want to wear like lingerie eggs.
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  They're not super comfortable with their bodies but overall
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  they do Make Some Noise, they say something sometimes and like
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  I feel like a lot of the women like that that are really kind
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  of good dipping and game you know ich within the Traits of a
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  monogamous relationship for a normal woman.
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  Those women are being like, put into the bucket of women who are
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  literally, like, get off me, don't touch me, sex is not
• 13:45
  important to me, you're a disgusting animal.
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  That is really not good, you know, because that means that
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  the average man thinks that there is like these like literal
• 13:54
  sex kittens that are out there. They're making themselves and
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  their wives miserable and not really appreciating the sex life
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  that they do have, which is pretty good, you know.
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  So if If you are a guy I think that is listening to this and
• 14:08
  that has frequently thought they that your sex life sucks.
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  Well, if you're having sex like at least like once a week and
• 14:15
  she is happy and she smiles she doesn't think that there's a
• 14:19
  real problem. She has an orgasm you feel like
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  you can bring things up you know at least half the time you might
• 14:26
  be able to you know do something that is exciting to you.
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  Even if the other half the time, it is the same old stuff then
• 14:34
  like your In like maybe a better situation than you think it's
• 14:38
  like, I say the guys like they'll be like, well, I don't
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  want women to have, you know, responsive desire.
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  I'm like, well, do you want to be a heterosexual guy cuz like
• 14:45
  that's what women are. You know, they have responsive
• 14:48
  desire, they don't have spontaneous desire generally.
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  So if you're looking for a woman who has sexual desire the same
• 14:53
  as you dumb, you know, you're a man.
• 14:56
  So, I mean go for a man, but you if you go for a woman, these are
• 14:59
  how women are, this is how women are going to be.
• 15:01
  So overall, net net, I think that you really need as A man if
• 15:05
  you have ever used porn to excess which would mean daily
• 15:10
  near-daily Etc. And if you do a deep dive and
• 15:13
  you introspected, you think that really poor, and if now that you
• 15:16
  think about it really has influence how you view women,
• 15:21
  which it's almost, it's almost impossible for it.
• 15:22
  Not to. If you, if you watch it seems
• 15:25
  it's impossible for women. Not to think that men are more
• 15:27
  romantic after they watch romantic movies and most women
• 15:29
  don't watch romantic movies every single.
• 15:31
  Fuck a night of their teenage and young 20s years and the old
• 15:35
  That young 30s, an old 30s to go to sleep, you know, I mean, so
• 15:39
  it's different, but anyhow it would, if they if they did then
• 15:44
  they would certainly think that Prince Charming is going to come
• 15:46
  sweep them off their feet. The same as you think that
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  there's the men that are in your workplace, that in the middle of
• 15:53
  their Zoom calls or just fending off, you know, like attack
• 15:56
  blowjobs by their wives who can barely control themselves, that
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  shit isn't real. So, you know, think deeply about
• 16:04
  how porn it has influence the way that you think about women's
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  lack of inhibition because they are inhibited.
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  Like they are you know even the most uninhibited woman that like
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  in unless she's like a sex worker and she is getting paid
• 16:21
  to act on inhibited. The majority of women are
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  inhibited about something somewhere and that's like
• 16:27
  totally normal. Is it?
• 16:30
  Is it your ideal? No.
• 16:32
  Are you her ideal know? I'm sure you do a lot of
• 16:36
  annoying shit. So you try to take like a stamp
• 16:39
  stand back a little bit. And think what really am?
• 16:42
  I comparing my wife to an is it fair?
• 16:44
  My comparing her to, you know, a happy loving woman who does, you
• 16:51
  know, a lot of what I asked and has some hard stops or am I
• 16:56
  comparing her to a literal porn star, and, or amateur porn, hot
• 17:02
  wife, whatever the fuck, you know?
• 17:05
  So think about it and I leave you to the thought experiment
• 17:08
  and really every single man who has ever watched porn a lot,
• 17:14
  should literally take a piece of paper and write out what are
• 17:16
  things I learned from porn about women and then you should go
• 17:20
  through them and be like, which of these are useful and good and
• 17:24
  which of them are poisoning the way that I think about women,
• 17:27
  and potentially destroying my marriage and or making it
• 17:30
  difficult for me to get into a relationship.
• 17:34
  All right? So that's It's useful until I
• 17:37
  believe for you and I will see everybody later.
• 17:40
  Please do subscribe. If I'm adding value to your
• 17:43
  life.