Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 82. Abandonment, Rejection & Not Feeling Enough: UNPACKING OUR DEEPEST TRAUMAS… YIKES!

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82. Abandonment, Rejection & Not Feeling Enough: UNPACKING OUR DEEPEST TRAUMAS… YIKES! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoday Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises with Ashley and Tiana.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: We've got a big episode today, we do.
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  Speaker 2: We are going to be unpacking our deepest traumas and
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  Speaker 2: frigod Yes.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: So this is a raw and honest one, but I
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  Speaker 1: think it's important to talk about because, as always we
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: always want to dissolve the shame around them and bring
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: them forward so we can bring lightness to it, we
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: can learn from it, we can connect with it as well.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: But first Share of the week.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, my just random, it's just Amazon. I love shopping
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: on Amazon. Anything that you can think of, you just
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: type it in and there's so many options and it's
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: delivers straight to your door a couple of days later,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: like phone charges or toys for the kids, or even
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: there's clothes on there. It's just got everything, and I
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: find it cheaper than the shops, and I just love
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: online shopping. So I've got a bit of an Amazon addiction.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: At the moment I've.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Had something be delivered the next day, I was oppressed.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it is.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: It's really fast sufficiency.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: It's so good. So if you're just looking for different
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: things and you can't find at the shop, where you
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: just can't bother going to stop. Sometimes shops overwhelm me,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Like I like going to try clothes on, but sometimes
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: I just wanted it online.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Amazon, in the comfort of your own home, literally
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: beautiful and yours. So you know how everyone's been doing
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: these videos where they're doing like show their empties.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, so you went last week.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: Can you show your empties of like your favorite product?
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: My current empty which is I need to stock up
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: on is actually a hideaway shower moose. So it's the
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: Vanilla Delight scent. Yes, And it's so good. Something about
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: the texture feels so nice on my skin. I prefer
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: that over body wash now because.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: It just so good. It's just so creamy, so.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: Creamy at lathers so nicely. So I'm like, yeah, that's
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: my current empty at the moment that I need to
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: restuck up.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I love that. And if you loved our whip soap,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: this is the replacement for the whip soap, so we
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: don't sell the whipsap anymore. But yeah, it's so good.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: And Vanila de Light number one selling fragrance.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Oh, I understand it, but it just smells so good.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: All right, let's get into it. What is one of
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: your biggest triggers.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: The fear of being left behind? That's showed up for
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: me a lot in friendships. Yeah, and also has shown
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: up actually at the end of relationships.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, can you elaborate what do you mean left behind?
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I noticed that Let's say I feel like someone's outgrowing me,
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: or I feel like a relationship is falling apart, let's
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: say intimately. And then I have like this instant fear
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, like what if I get
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: left behind? So it's like it's not necessarily that that's happening,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: but it's that the way that I interpret the situation
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: makes me feel like, oh my god, But what if
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: I get left behind and I'm no longer important?
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, so.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: It's out of the tribe, out of the tribe.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah alone, Yeah, yeah, interesting.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: I feel like that probably comes off the back end
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: of a rejection wound, an abandonment, an abandon All of
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: them eyes in together, doesn't it. They're all just like
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: little different facets and show up in different ways, But
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's the same core wound.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Yes, where does that come from? Do you think?
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: I mean the story that I have of being left behind?
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: The first thing that kind of comes to mind is
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: like being a young girl and having older sisters. So
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: not that it was anything bad, but just little consistent
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: moments of me feeling like I wasn't old enough to
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: go hang out with the girls, or like, you know,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: they would always go and spend time with each other
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: because they were older and they wanted to go driving,
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: and I could never go with them, and it sounds
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: really like no feel something, and then it stacks over time.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: It was like a continuous stacking thing, always feeling like
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I think I maybe internalize that feeling of like not
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: feeling good enough that I couldn't go with them, I
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: couldn't be with them and spend time with them. But
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: really the reality of it was like I was just
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: too young, wasn't in the same age bracket as they were.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: They were probably seventeen eighteen, you know, wanted to go
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: do their own thing, and I was quite younger, so it.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Was just and then over time in your life, you'll
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: feel a familiar feeling. So now when it's cut out
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: up in friendship, a different situation, that's why it's called
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: to just peel back where it first came from, because
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: it's like the same thing is a different situation. So
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: when you like go back and heal and understand it
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: what I feel like, it helps it not feel so heavy.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: I feel like there have been past friendships where I've
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: had that feeling where I felt like other people were
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: closer with each other than and that that's why I
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: feel like it stems from my sisters, a feeling like
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: they were always Oh that's so flaw Yeah, yeah, they
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: were so close. And then I've had friendships where they
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: got super close, and then I automatically thought it meant
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: that I was being left out, so my triggers came up.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: I was super anxious. I was scared of abandonment, so
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: I was kind of walking on eggshells and thinking like,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: oh my god, any moment, like the ball could drop
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: and like these people could leave, you know, and then
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: that eventually ended up happening. It was really interesting.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: That makes so much sense. One of my biggest ones
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: was I don't think it is anymore, but I still
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: wanted to speak on it because for my whole life,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I feel like it's been. One of my biggest triggers
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: is alcohol. It's weird. It's not everyone that drinks, like
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: when my friends drink doesn't affect me, but men. And
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: if I was to rewind it back, a lot of
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: you have been watching me for a long time. It
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: was stemmed from my stepfather being quite a big alcoholic
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: and he would get abusive and yell and aggressive and
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: very unpredictable. So I always felt unsafe around our cohol.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: So then when men in my life would drink alcohol,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: it was that instant, like my body felt unsafe and
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: like what's going to happen next? So that caused a
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: lot of problems for Steve and I and our first
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: season of our relationship. For many years, if we ever fought,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: it was always about alcohol always. And Steve is not aggressive,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: he's not a yeller, he's super chill. He's a big
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: teddy bear. But it didn't matter, because that wound was
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: just stemmed from such a young age. I just associated
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: men and alcohol is not a good thing. So that
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: used to be such a big trigger. But it's kind
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: of been taken awaycause Steve doesn't rink anymore, which is awesome.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Even over the last five years, it hasn't been as
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: big a trigger of like the safety it just hasn't aligned.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: So yeah, not so much when girlfriends, But I still
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: don't like being in environments where people are really intoxicated
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: and it's not a true connection. I feel it's almost
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: this false sense of connection and it is still really unpredictable,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: and it just feels like a darker energy to me.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: So I'm not really around many people that drink anymore.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Like I have a couple of girlfriends that enjoy, like
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: make enjoy its a couple of drinks in Bali and
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: like I know Deanie likes to have a wine or two.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: That doesn't affect me at all, But most people hang
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: around that isn't really alcohol in my life, and I
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: like having it not in my field. But it used
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: to be such a huge trigger. I would just get
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: so disregulated when Steve would have a couple of drinks
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: and it almost didn't matter if he had one or
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: if he had ten. Yeah, it doesn't matter. As soon
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: as he had started to drink and he wasn't just Steve,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: the connection was gone for me.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, immediately, It's like I didn't want to be around
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: it that. Yeah, difference changed.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So I'm really glad it's not in my life anymore.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: And I'm glad that I don't have to feel that
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: sense of unsafety around men in alcohol. So I'd be
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: interesting if I was an environment with other men. How
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: i'd feel Now I don't.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: Actually interesting, And because it's also so far away from
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: you now, like you're so separate from so separate being
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: around those environments.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: But if I'm ever out at dinner, like can we
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: walk past? Like even the other night, Steve, when I
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: went to date night and there was these guys in
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: the car park. It was obviously Friday afternoon beers, and
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: they were just being so loud and rowdy and like
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: whistled at me in front of Steve, and I was like, hell, gross,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I go home, Yeah what are you doing? Yeah, you
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: look like forty years old and you're whistling at a
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: girl that's got a husband with her. She's gross. Gross.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I was like, that's such an ick, Like I don't
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: like to be around it.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so understandable though.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's one of my biggest ones. What else, what
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: about you anyons? It's a big one.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: It's a big one.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Another one for me trust issues with men in relationships.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: So my maybe walk call wound, but maybe a trigger. Yeah,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: probably feeling like I might be replaced with someone better. Yeah,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: because my first relationship, like I didn't know this at
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: the time when we were together, but I found out
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: after we'd already broken up. But then silly, I actually
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: ended up going back to him after I found out.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: That he cheated on me.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: Were just so deep in it.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: It was like not good.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I found out after like a year and
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: a half or two years that he apparently cheated on
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: me like lots of times throughout the relationship, but I
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: didn't know as much after and I just remember feeling
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: so silly because I didn't know and I was ignorant
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: to it, and I knew what he was like, but
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I never thought that he was capable of doing that,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: And just remember feeling silly because I felt like the
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: more people told me the more I realized that everybody
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: else knew when I didn't, Oh, you felt like I
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: felt like idiot. I felt humiliated. That's a good word. Yeah, yeah,
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: I just felt so silly. And so I think it
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: kind of created this narrative in me of like, oh,
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: there's somebody else better who I can be?
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Really? Why am I not enough?
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Why am I?
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Why am I not enough? So there's a better option,
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: There's somebody else out there who's got more than what
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: I do or for whatever reason. It was the way
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: that I internalized that pain. I made it about me
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: instead of being like, oh, it was his decision and yeah,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: you know, had nothing to do with me. I just
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: at the time I was too young, of course. So
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: I think that showed up for me, and that helped
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: created like trust issues through every relationship.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Now it's a wound.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: So now it's a wound. Yeah, So I get super
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: insecure in relationships because I'm like, one, can I truly
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: trust this person? Can I trust that what they're saying
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: is real? Can I trust that the things that they
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: are telling me is actually true and they're being transparent
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: or are they lying right?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah? And do you fully trust them? At first, or
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: do you need evidence to fully trust them? Because if
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: you meet someone, say you get a new relationship, and
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: they're like, I'm really trustworthy person, like you've got nothing
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: to worry about. It's the value of mine, and they
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: say all the things. Does your nervous system and maybe
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: your head in your heart say different things like your body?
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But do you instantly go M I'm not sure yet.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: I think it's changed over the years. Yeah, Like I
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: would say, like in a relationship two years ago, I
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: probably was a lot more skeptical, yeah, and I was
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: more cautious in the beginning. I'm like, you don't get
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: to have my trust straight away, right, you gotta earn it,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: give me, earn it, give me evidence. Whereas now I
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: feel like I give people more of a benefit of
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: the doubt now, So I feel like that doesn't feel
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: as strong of a wound for me anymore because I
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm trust myself more and I'm learning to
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: give people the benefit of the doubt and not bringing
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: old stuff into the new relations not bring my baggage,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: you know. So that's been good to feel that difference
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: of now where I'm like, okay, yes, you can tell
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: me all the things, and that's okay, but I just
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: don't take people's words for weight. Yeah, you know, I'm like,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: and then if I see with your behavior that you're
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: going to betray that or you know, do anything break that, yeah,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: then I'm like, okay, well then you show me.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Who you are. Yeah. Yeah, so interesting. Yeah. My biggest
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: current wound would definitely bring in would definitely be abandonment. Yeah,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: and it's not with Steve. I feel so secure with him.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I do not feel anxious at all. Like he's the
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: most secure relationship I've ever had, but more in friendship. Yeah, yeah,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: definitely shows up so often. There's just little moments and
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time it's not anything anyone else
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: is doing. It's just my own stuff. And when I
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: was talking to my mom about it, I was like,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: why do I get so anxious and think everyone's going
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: to leave me? And She's like, Oh, You've had friendships
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: that have fallen apart for reasons that you don't know,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: you don't understand, And I think friendships have just always
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: been such a big lifeline for you. You've always really
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: lent on them. And you've really needed your friends, especially
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: when our home life wasn't great growing up, Like it's
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: three your teenage years, you were just you were never home.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: You're always at your friend's houses and leaning on them.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: They're so important to you that you get you know,
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: emotionally attached, and you give a lot and you are
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: you hard on your sleeve. So when you do get left,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: it really really hurts here as a lot of people
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: can just like I've got one friend. She can literally
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: cut people off and say say yeah, as soon as
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: they do something wrong by her, She's like bye, It's.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Like a mouth. I'm like, how it de've hatched so quickly.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if you attached, even if someone's quote unquote doing
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: wrong by me or we're not aligned, like, I still
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: try everything I can to make sure that friendship can
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: remain until it doesn't obviously, but yeah, I just get
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: so scared of being abandoned and it'll show up in
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: our friendship. Two. We both have it, we both do
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: and BALI you even had a moment. Me and Mick
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: had no idea that you're feeling like that. It just
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I can't even remember the context of it, but it
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: just came up and we just loved on you four
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: it because I was like, I get that. I totally
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: understand that feeling.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly can't. This does job in our friendship. But
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: we talk about it, We talk about it, bring it in,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: anytime it comes up, we bring it out. Yeah, it
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: did come up for me in Bali. I had this
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: moment where we were just.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Dinner and then you came home and you were like,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you guys still love me.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: I I think I was just feeling more anxious that day,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: already sleep, that sort of stuff.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: And then I just we were talking about past things too,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: which I think brought up feelings.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Oh. I think it was like past behavior of mine
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: in past friendships.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: And I think previously I have been left and abandoned
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: and judged and you know, almost like shamed for having
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: too much, for being too much. Yeah, And then I
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: thought I was like, oh fuck, like is the same
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: thing going to happen here? And then I remember being like,
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: oh my god, like they don't love me anymore, Like
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: they're going to want to leave and I'm going to
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: be my friend after spending so much time with me
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: in Bali And that's right, Yeah, and I remember sitting
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: on the back of the bike and telling you about it. Yeah,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: for like an hour of me just being in my
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: own head and you being like, oh my god.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: As we walked into the villa, give me a hug. Yeah,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: it's like never.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: Once I got off the bike and we went to
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: the villa, I said it to Meg. I was like,
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: I feel like you guys don't want to be my
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: friend anymore.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And you said it really cute and playfully, because
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I think logically, you know, yeah, we're not going anywhere,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: but it's just like, let's always bring this stuff in,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: like you never have to suffer in silence. Even you listening,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: it might sound so silling, be like, why would you
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: just think that, But we all have our own wounds.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: We all have our own insecurities and things that come
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: up and they're real. Doesn't mean they're true, but they real.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: They come up and you feel it. And when you
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: have a safe container that you can bring that in
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: and just be reassured, it's so nice. And I think,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: because like we've said, we have the same wounds, we
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: know how to support each other through that. It just
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: makes me love anymore. I want to show you that
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: that's just not going to happen here. You know. You
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: can bring in all the things and we can have
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: the hard conversations and go through hard times together and
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: we're still going to be here for each other.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: It's just funny, though. It's like when you're in your
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: logic and you're feeling really good and regulated, yeah, you're like, okay, logically,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I can understand that, But then when you're emotionally in
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: the abandonmentment.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Feel so real, get so anxious, feel.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: So heavy, you know, and you're like, oh my god,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: all the thoughts that I'm thinking right now feels so true,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god, I might actually lose
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: this person that I love so much.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: That's the wound you take your mind takes you to
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: what it would feel like to not have them. Yeah. Yeah,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: So there was a moment recently. You came to Meg
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: and I about a situation and Meg was like all
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: for it, and I was like a bit more cautious.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: So our advice was very different, and I just walked
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: away from that conversation being like, oh my gosh, she's
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: going to not come and tell me things now because
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I've not gone against what you wanted to do. It
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: wasn't against It was just like, let's just take a moment.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Let's reevaluate, like is this the right move, is this
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: too fast? Let's think about it.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: You just questioned my decision and you were just asking questions.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I wasn't saying don't do it because I'm like, yolo,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: don't wait, live your life. But I also just on
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: past experiences with you and your life, I was like,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: let's just take a moment. Yeah, but I thought because
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Meg was being so supportive and like, yeah, girl, well
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: live your life. And then I wasn't. I remember just
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: going home and I was like, oh my gosh, I
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: was too much. Then I was too forward, I was
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: too honest. She's not going to feel safe with me.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: She's not going to come and tell me things. And
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I called you and I was like, oh my gosh,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and you were like no, no, no.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: When I go on there, you always tell me how
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: it is, and I will do the same to you
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: and I will question you.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: That's what I love about you.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was nice to have that reassurance. But
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: I even with the reassurance, I still felt disregulated because
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: it was a past wound off when I've done that,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I've been told as too much and you're too forward, yeah,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: and you're too opinionated and you don't understand, and it's
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: always comes from a good place, but it made me
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: want to shut down. Of course. I was like, oh,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I don't want to tell her any of that. I
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: should just be like Meg and just say go girl. Yeah. Yeah.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: It was little moments like that that show up. I'm like,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: oh wow, that fear of abandonment from being too much
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: or too honest is so there. Yeah.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I remember even reassuring you in the moment,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: and you even said to me like, I hear you,
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: and it's so nice that you're reassuring me right now,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: but a part of me doesn't believe what you're saying.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And that was a really cool conversation to have
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: because the reality is when you're in that moment, it's
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: hard to believe with you.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: I literally didn't believe you.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: I was like, I like, right now for the triggered
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: and I can't hear you. Yeah.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't blame if you don't love
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: me anymore.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, You're like, look, it's fine if you want to leave.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Just leave now now I'm the band aid off.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Don't prolong this.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just like go now, okay for another two years. Gay.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But then the way you explain it, you were like,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: I will do the same to you. Yeah, Like this
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: friendship is honest and it's real, and if I think
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: you're making an impulsive decision, I will pull you up
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: and say let's talk about it. That's right, Like I
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: don't know if this is the right decision for you,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: and like it's really nice a reassurance. But yeah, it's
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: just so real and in the moment, it's a spiral.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: It's hard to believe. It's really hard to believe, and
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: you feel so isolated and you just shame yourself and
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: you kind of go in a dark hole. Yeah, I
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: feel anxious.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: In those moments. He is to like regulate yourself. Yeah,
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: because you're not in the right way of thinking. Breath
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: gets disregulated, you feel so angliss everything else that you
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: see life through the lens. It's like, now something's wrong
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: with Steve.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Now on eggshells. When you're so justsregulated like that and anxious,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: you just kind of even think clearly no and everything
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I just feel on edge. It's wild. It's not fun.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: It's not fun. I low key hate when I get
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: in that, you know, and I know that I shouldn't,
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: but it's like it's not enjoyable. Yeah, it's not fun
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: and I don't feel it. It doesn't make you feel
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: good about yourself.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: If you're shit, if you're insecure, you're like, oh my gosh,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: why am I still like this? Why is this wound
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: still there? And I think sometimes it's like a wound,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: it does heal over, but sometimes it gets scratched and
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: it starts bleeding a little bit. Other times it feels
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: like someone's ripped open the scab and it's pouring out
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: blood and you have to work on healing that again.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: So true. I think over time it does get better.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: And now now when I feel disregulated, I feel like
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: it's there and I feel it, but it doesn't last long.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Whereas a couple of years ago, it would ruin me
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: for weeks and be anxious on eggshells, wouldn't talk about it,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: carry shame, shut down withdraw, not hang out with people,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: and I would really internalize it and then try and
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: sweep it, hope it goes away until next time. And
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: it just doesn't. So the quicker you can talk about it,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: voice it, make it playful, make it cute.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: See make it guy, I'm feeling a bad I used
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: to do the same thing as well, and only used
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: to just exacerbate how it's feeling. So it was like
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: if I would think about something, but I would think
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: about it so much they would drive myself up the
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: wall and no one else would even know what's happening. Yeah,
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: and then I'd be in this like mental spiral and
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: pit of like absolute hell in my own mind.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: It's not fun.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: They'd be like, oh my god, they don't want me,
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: They're going to leave me. They think this of me,
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: and all of my own self judgments would come out
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: and I would project them onto other people. Yeah, they
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: were those people's opinions of me, you know, and then
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: they just would get worse from there. But yeah, it's
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: such an interesting.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: So interesting, isn't it. So my two main ones was
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: alcohol but now more abandonment yea, and people just being
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: upset with me. It's just like a fear. Just don't
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: like the thought of someone being upset with me. Yeah,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: I would lose sleep over that. If I think someone's
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: upset with me, like that'll keep me up at eye
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: and I will overapologize and overtake responsibility and do whatever
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I can to heal it, because that's the anxious coming out.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: You just want to heal and like fix. Yeah, do
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: you will do anything to not feel that pain.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Isn't it funny as well with anxious and avoidance differently
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: they operate so different. Anxious is like I need to
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: work it out now, I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: Avoidance like oh see, yeah, I need to go like
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: regulate myself by myself. Yeah, I can't deal with this
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, it's so interesting and different people. I'm
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: more disorganized. I can be avoidant or anxious depending on
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: who it's with and depending on the depth of the
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: conversation and what it's about. I feel like I can
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: be more anxious with safe people. Now someone I feel
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: safe with. Yeah, So what I don't feel safe with,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I'll avoid like money conversations. Yeah you've noticed that in me? Yes, Yeah,
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: I got avoidant with that. Yeah. It's like super uncomfortable. Yeah.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: Isn't it so funny? Like who who triggers what? Different
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: people trigger different things?
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: So weird? Yeah, and who you think can hold it.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: If I don't think someone can hold that hard conversation,
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I'll avoid it at all costs.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's understandable, though. I think having hard conversations with
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: people who aren't open to them, Yeah, makes the conversation
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: so much harder because you kind of just go in circles.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And it brings out the rejection room because then if
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: they're avoidant, you know it's going to push them away.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: That'llvoid talking to you after that. I've experienced that before too.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: Or if they're emotionally reactive, that will they bury them
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: or they get triggered and then they got that onto you.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: It's like you know that that conversation is not going
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: to be safe.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: So it's like, what's the point. Yeah, I'll avoid, I'll suppress.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: We all do it. Yeah, it's so interesting.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, lucky for us we get to bounce between both. Hey,
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: oh not anxious, we're avoidant, just avoid it, we're anxious.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Literally, it's just really good to understand your own wounds,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: where they come from, unpack them, talk about them, and
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: do your best to heal them, but also just acknowledge them,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: because if you don't, you can't escape them. They're there,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: they're real, they're from your experience a lot of the time,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: from your childhood too, that are going anywhere. So if
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: you try and suppress them, they just get bigger and uglier,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: and you send yourself in a spiral, and you don't
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: talk about it because you're carrying shame, so you feel
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: even worse. Yeah, and then the projectson come out, and
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: then you feel lonely, and then it's just a horrible
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: spiral to get in to bring it in, and all
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: the time the right people around you will love on
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: you for it and just reassure you that you're okay
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: and that you got this absolutely.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: And the biggest thing as well, if you're going to
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: start bringing awareness to these things, just know that do
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: it without judgment. Yeah, Like actively choose in the moment
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: to not judge yourself for the things that come up,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: and just see it with a neutral lens, like be
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: willing to see it with curiosity, don't bring emotion to
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: it and just allow it to be there, because that's
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: the way that you actually get to move through it
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: is when you can talk about it like this, where
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: there's no emotional charge around it. Like even though we're
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: talking about it now. Neither of us are going, oh
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: my god, like I don't want her to see me
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: in this, or I don't want anybody to know this
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: about me. It's like when you can just hold space
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: for it, let it be, don't judge it, don't criticize
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: it or shame yourself for it being there, that's when
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: you'll actually be able to go, oh wow, this is
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: a part of myself that I can actually accept. Yeah,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: And that's the biggest part. Is like learning to accept
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: the parts of yourself that don't feel the best all
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: the time.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I love that, and also with your partners too. I
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: had this moment with Steve a couple of weeks ago.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: I found this video. It was this ouzzy guy it
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: must be a Relationship coach, and it was talking about
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: the way that men shut down when they feel criticized
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: and when they feel like they can never make you happy.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: And he had lots of things in the one video,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: and I feel that Steve does this sometimes, But to
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: go to him and give him this feedback, it's quite
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable because I never want him feel criticized. I feel like,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: when you're going to talk to your partner about wounds
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: and triggers, read the room, and pick the right time.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: So we were already in a really beautiful deep conversation.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: The kids were in bed. We were talking about life
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: and stress and just all the things. And then I said,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I saw this really cool video lately. I'd love to
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: get your opinion on it. I think sometimes this can
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: show up for us. And it wasn't just him. It
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: was the dynamic that I played in those situations when
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: he's feeling like this, and how I can activate that
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: and how I can contribute to that. I fully own
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: my part. First, I was like, I can see when
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I do xyz it can trigger you to them behave
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: like this, and then I do this and it ends
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: up being in the spiral. What do you think? Do
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: you agree? And we watched it and he was first
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: just like, yeah, I don't know about all of it,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: but yeah, I can see that we've played in the
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: past and that cycle we get into. But you've got
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: to be really mindful of picking the right time to
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: have this conversations, I think with anyone. Only it's not
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: something you just dump on someone or go to them
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: straight away, ask if they've got the capacity and see
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: if they're in a good state to be able to
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: hold it because it can be a really heavy conversation
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: and don't go on with criticism either, curiosity, owning your part,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: asking more questions, leading the conversation like that, I think
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: it can be really helpful for intimate relationships. Yeah.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: I like what you did as well, where you came
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: in taking a responsibility part first, because then you weren't going, hey.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: You do this and you've got to fix you all
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: your fault.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: This is something I see in myself. Yeah, it is
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: that I do shit, Like let's work on this, you know.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: But it's a together thing. Yeah, Like it's never his
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: fault or my fault. Both of us are playing our
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: roles here and trigger and activate different things within us.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: He has his own set of wounds and triggers, so
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: do I. We've come from two completely different backgrounds, completely
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: different upbringings. We're two completely different people, and to expect
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: two people just mesh and for them not to be
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: mess there, it's very unrealistic. That's relationships, right, combining too
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: completely different worlds.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: And like learning how to navigate throughly.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: So having this conversation even seventeen years later, it's really important,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: but it's choosing the right time, reading the room, be
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: aware of your energy, your tone, your body language, creating
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: that safe space, taking responsibility, and like reassuring them that
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: this is a team thing. Love that.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's also super important as well who you're choosing
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: to have in your life, because if you have people
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: who are naturally empathetic, understanding, are willing to be curious
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: around certain things, you know that people are going to
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: learn to hold you correctly in the way that you.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Deserve to be.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: And I think these conversations that you have do require
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: a certain level of like emotional safety maturity. Yeah. And
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: so when you know that two people are willing, and
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: this is what we talk about often is if somebody
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: is willing, you're halfway there.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: All you need.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: That's all you need, no matter if you don't know
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: how to do it or how to get there or
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: how to have the.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Figure it out.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Will's willing and with willingness you'll find the way.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Literally, that's all you need. Yeah, Like drop, we love
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: this and we'd love to extend this conversation back into
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: our Facebook forums. If you're not in there, just search
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: she rises on Facebook. Let us know you your wounds,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: let us know your trigger is and if you want
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: any advice too. We also have our Bestie segment on
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: a Tuesday. We'll leave the link in the description box below.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Just scroll down wherever you're listening to this podcast. It's
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: completely anonymous. If you've got anything you want to ask us,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: anything you want to bring in, anything you want some
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: guidance or help with. We're just two best friends having
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: a chat on a couch and we'd love to help you.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds good. We can't wait to see your submissions.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: All right, we'll see in the next episode. Bye bye.