Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / Therapist Reaction to The Housemaid: Book vs. Movie- Who Did You Believe?
Transcript
- Tori: Okay, hey y'all. Welcome back to another episode of Don't Quote Me. Today we're gonna be doing another therapist reaction episode, but we're gonna switch it up just a tad bit. Because today's movie isn't just a movie I've watched, it's also a book that I've read. And I became obsessed and hooked on to. And if you've read The Housemaid and then watched the movie, you already know you don't watch the story the same way the second time around, right? Because all Once you know what's really happening underneath everything, you start watching the characters completely different. And as a therapist, this made this story even more interesting to me. Okay. So we're gonna be talking about the housemaid, book versus movie. We're gonna be talking about that trauma, manipulation, coerce of control, gaslighting, survival, perception. And the one question that I'm gonna keep looping back to is: who did you believe? Alright, before we get in, good old spoiler alert. I'm gonna give you a very serious warning and we're gonna be talking about the book and the movie in this. So if you haven't read the book or watched the movie yet, this is gonna be your warning. Go read it, go watch it, and then come back because it'll be so much better and it it's just worth it too. It's just worth it, okay? All right, disclaimer, reminder for you guys, don't quote me, it's just a space for education, reflection, and honest conversations about mental health and personal life experiences. This podcast is not therapy and it is not a replacement for mental health treatment. The thoughts and information shared here are for educational and relational purposes only. And because we're discussing function functional, huh? Fictional characters, I'm not gonna be diagnosing about anybody in here. We're gonna be looking at different behaviors, the relationship dynamics, psychological themes, and patterns. All right, let's dive in. So if you haven't read the book Housemaid, the story centers around Millie, who takes a live-in housemaid position with a wealthy Winchester family, and immediately something feels off for her, right? Nina, who is the wife of the family, is very unpredictable and flip-floppy, showing all types of like bizarre behavior. And Andrew, who is the husband, is just like this charming, loving, giving husband, right? So Millie is like just trying to keep her head down because she's desperately in need of this job and opportunity. And when I was first reading this, I was just like, so who's actually telling the truth? And that is what made the story so freaking good. And I could not put the book down because the book plays with your perception of each character as we go along. And I also enjoy this book because it's just like you're gonna get Millie's perception of what's going on. Then we're gonna jump to Nina. Then you're gonna jump back to Millie, then you're gonna jump to Nina. And then you're gonna jump to Andrew's perception of everything. So it gives you full it it makes you like form opinions about these characters before you get the full picture of like what's going on. Like you're like that person while you're reading, if that makes sense. Like you're actually in their mind understanding what's going on, and that is what made this book so psychologically interesting. So Let's talk about this. Book Me and Movie Me had two very different experiences, right? So when I was reading the book, like I said, I was able to get the characters' internal perspective and world view. I got to sit with their thoughts, sit with the fears that they had, the assumptions that they were having, their insecurities, the motivations behind their actions. And then the movie, it doesn't give you all of that, right? Instead, you have to get your interpretation off of facial expressions, body language, vocal tone, silence, and the way someone looks at another person throughout the movie. And that kind of changes everything. which is always why I'm a firm believer of read the book first too, when it comes to any type of movie, because they are better than the movie. Just because you can get that internal experience with the characters and to get more in-depth. Alright, so when I watched the movie, I already knew what was going on because of the book. So I wasn't watching it to ask what's going to happen. I was watching it and asking, like, how are they gonna show me what's happening? Like, how are they gonna be able to break this book down perfectly into a movie to where we all can understand what's going on with each character still, see their points of view, and all of that. And that's what was a completely different experience for me. Because I already knew. feel I kind of repeated myself there so excuse that. So like just the little things stood out to me when I was watching the movie, like the certain looks, the certain way the conversations were, the interactions between the characters. And then I found myself thinking like, now I understand why they show that part. Or like honestly, they did really well. The the movie was really well. Okay, anyways though, we're not doing all of that yet. So let's talk about the house, right? Let's break this all down. Because I think the house itself is almost a character. It's so beautiful, expensive, perfect. Everything looks under control. There is routine, structure, and that is what's important, right? Because control is one of the major themes of this story. The outside looks perfect, but the inside, everything is actually falling apart. And that is something we see in real life as well. We look at someone's social media and we're just like, it's a beautiful family. It's a beautiful home. It's a beautiful relationship that they have, beautiful vacations, perfect marriage. And we absolutely have no idea what's ac actually happening behind those closed doors. So the house becomes this perfect metaphor for appearance versus reality for me. Okay, so next character I wanna d break down with. Andrew. Let us talk about Andrew. Because this man is exactly why we need to stop confusing charm with character. Okay? Andrew presents himself as calm, ris reasonable, attractive, successful, caring. And then compared to Nina, he looks like a stabe he looks like the stable one, sorry. And that's part of the manipulation, right? Because the person who is controlling the situation doesn't always look like the person causing the problem. Sometimes they're the person claiming, calmly explaining, I don't know what's wrong with her. She's so unstable. I'm just trying to help. And everyone starts to believe that story. That is always what's gonna happen when it comes to manipulation. And I feel like this was just written and ex and just shown on the big screen perfectly. Because then also we're gonna roll into some gaslighting, right? Because this movie gives us a really interesting example of what gaslighting looks like. Gaslighting is more than someone actually lying, right? It's a pattern of manipulation that causes someone to question their own perception, memory, judgment, or reality. And that is what makes gaslighting so dangerous. Because eventually the question isn't, is this person lying to me? The question becomes, can I actually trust myself? Am I actually telling the truth? Did I actually say that then? Did I actually see them do those things? And once you start check questioning your own reality, that person controlling the narrative is a lot more powerful. Which rolls us into the attic. We have the attic, right? The attic is actually terrifying, but psychologically it's even more disturbing because it represents the control that Andrew has. Confinement, punishment, power. Andrew determined who gets to leave, when they get to leave. He creates the rules. And if those rules aren't followed, there's gonna be the consequences. That's coercive control. And I think that's the important distinction. Abusive Abusiveness isn't always someone screaming or physically hurting another person. Abuse can sometimes look like you can't leave. You're not allowed to talk to those people. You can't do that. You're going to do exactly what I say when I say it, and you don't get to make that decision. You don't know yourself well enough as much as I know you. And that's removing somebody's self-autonomy. So that is like what the addict stood for, and really. What happens most of the time you feel trapped and you feel like you only have this person because of everything that they're saying and telling you. So you're just like, okay, yeah, well, I'm just gonna as long as I do this right, he'll let me do whatever and give me my this money and I can live in this house and I can enjoy life this way. But I gotta make sure I don't do anything wrong because once I do something wrong, up to the attic we go, pulling out hair follicles, pulling out teeth. Pullin' out whatever we need to pull out to please Andrew and do it perfectly because if we don't do it perfectly then we're gonna be stuck back up here again. Okay, that was way that was a lot of spoiler, so excuse that. let's jump to Nina now, okay? So there is the book and the movie that become particularly interesting when it comes to Nina's character because initially Nina looks like the issue and the problem. She's di difficult, she's unpredictable, she's overly emotional, she's very cruel. So you're thinking, especially when reading the book, like, girl, what's going on? Like Dang, like you're doing way too much. Yeah, Andrew shouldn't be putting up with your crap like they said at that little tea party you had. You don't deserve him. He's too good to you, right? But then underneath we suddenly start to realize the actual truth. Her behavior looks completely different once we start realizing this, right? She isn't cr simply crazy. She's responding to the incredibly abusive control that she's in co controlled environment that she's been in. And that's an important psychological lesson, right there. Because sometimes we're very quick to label someone's behavior without asking what happened before this moment. And I feel like that is just all over the place when it comes to trauma and abusive relationships and just behaviors behind somebody. Like we're all too busy trying to say what's wrong with you? What's going on? Why why are you always doing this? Instead of like what actually happened to you to cause you to have this reaction. And I feel like this book and movie like wrote that out so well for us. Because again, trauma does not always look like what we believe it to be. It looks different for people. It looks different for the next person. It looks different for me. It looks different for you. So it doesn't even matter. It's it's just important to take note of these, I should say. Because trauma can look like somebody beginning to withdraw, somebody becoming hypervigilant, somebody becoming very active. somebody becoming distrustful, someone might become controlling them like someone might become controlling themselves because they are desperately trying to create safety for themselves. So basically like a con I don't know. I'm trying to think of a good example if that just to like break that down a little bit more. Like somebody who is coming out of trauma I OCD type of behaviors or something like that, or like I need to be doing this, I need to be like having the structure because they're not used to being in control of everything. So they're just trying to find a little piece of life that they can actually control, basically. And then from the outside, the behavior can look confusing, it can become overwhelming sometimes for people, but the context of it all matters, right? So now let me just be very clear with this. Understanding behavior doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior. You can understand why someone behaves a certain way and still recognize that the behavior isn't healthy. Both of those things can be true at once. I always want to make that very important. Like you are very you are allowed to have your emotions and your opinions and feel the way you feel, but sometimes the behavior that comes along with it is not healthy, nor is it okay to react that way. And then it brings us down to little old Millie, right? so Millie is probably the character I had the most complicated feelings about. All the way down. She was so vulnerable, she was desperate, she has a criminal history, she's trying to rebuild her life, she needs money, she needs housing, and then she enters this environment. And Kind of figure out the right words. Because when somebody is actually limited to their options, their ability to simply say, I'm leaving, isn't always realistic, right? Like that is these vulnerabilities I just listed for Millie are many reasons as to why or many ways that a person can become involved with a unhealthy, controlled relationship. Because of these vulnerabilities. Like this person provides me with housing, this person gives me money. This person lets me do X gives me this X, Y, and Z. Of course they love me, right? But that's just simply it's not healthy all the time. It's really not it's not healthy ever, actually. so I began to like ask myself, like when she started realizing what was going on, I kind of was just like, Why didn't you just leave? Why didn't And this is not a therapeutic perfect perspective. This is me just being a regular Degler person, reading a book, and all of that. I tried to like separate them while I was reading it. Because even just the general population would be like, well, she should have just left. Why didn't Nina leave? Why didn't that person leave? Why didn't you just leave? You can just get up and go. It's not that difficult to actually do that. But leaving isn't actually simple. Okay. Especially when it comes to relationships like this and being in this type of environment. There can be financial dependency. There can be fear. Threats, children, housing, isolation, shame, emotional attachment, legal issues, and psychological manipulation. And sometimes a person doesn't even trust their own judgment anymore to just get up and leave. Okay? So instead of asking, why didn't they just leave? A more useful question might be: what made leaving feel impossible? What is it that is I don't want to say forcing you to stay, but that's all I can think of for a lack of term right now. Like, what is it that is keeping you here? Because don't get me wrong, I'm one of those girls like girl, I will leave an RB, this is this and that, all of those things. However, if these were on the table and I already felt alone, mind you, Andrew already isolated her from the friends that she supposedly has, quote unquote, the ones that like t to tell crap about her when they would come over and stuff, he already found a way to make them not trust her. Or make her feel safe to herself or her own child. So yeah, things like that can be the reason why somebody feels like they have no choice but to actually stay. I always think of this like one thing where it's like it's cheaper to keep her. That's I don't know why I think of that, but it's like in some manner or concept, this can kind of be relatable to like why we don't, why people don't leave relationships like that. Okay, so we're gonna get over these red flags right here, too. Okay. Because Millie, when she starts getting close to Andrew, I was like, girl, please, like, don't do this to yourself. Like, this is not okay. Abort, abort mission, quick. And that's exactly how manipulation works, though. Like, you're able to see it because Andrew doesn't walk into a room saying, Hi, I'm gonna actually manipulate you and control you. Now let's go. He makes her feel seen, he makes her feel validated. He listens to her, he positions himself as a person who actually understands her more than anybody, and then he creates that distance between her and Nina, right? And now it's a tri tri triangulation. Wow. So now inside this triang triangulation I'm trying to say strangulation, sorry, triangulation happens and the third person gets pulled into a difficult into a difficult conflict between two other people, right? So Andrew becomes essentially Andrew versus Millie. No, Andrew and Millie, sorry, versus Nina, basically. So Nina's at the point. Andrew and Millie are together, thick as thieves, basically. And now Millie is emotionally invested in the story she doesn't fully even understand. And that is what's so powerful. Because once you can see convince someone that the other person is the actual problem, you can control how they interpret everything that that person does from here on out. Like you'll see it in the book. Millie's just like, Well yeah, she does seem crazy. Well yeah. She's got it made. Look at this big old house, look at everything you give her, Andrew. You you do the X, Y, and Z for her. She doesn't deserve you. Yeah, you just gave him the key to the door, baby girl. So, back to my little favorite question I wanted to loop back around to. Who did you trust? So when I read the book, I had certain assumptions, of course, and then when I watched the movie, I s I don't wanna say the assumptions shifted drastically, but like even in the movie, you can you can it's kinda more I don't know how to explain it. Because the book gives you access to more of that internal information that each character is having, and the movie forces us to like rely heavily on like what we're just actually seeing going on. And that is actually a s fascinating parallel to real life, right? Because in real life we don't have access to anybody's internal thoughts. Like we don't actually get to know what they're thinking day in and day out. We only get to see their behavior, hear stories, what we interpret and what assumptions we make from what we're given by that person. And sometimes they're absolutely wrong. Right. So Let us do my red flag meter. So Andrew's gonna get a red flag for manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, isolation, intimidation, punishment, confinement, using vulnerability against somebody, controlling the narrative, and making the victim look like the the problem. So Andrew ain't only just a big walkie red flag. He is a six flags theme park of red flags, baby. He's got all. Every single check, check, checkity, check, check, check, check, check. When you read that list of red flags that you can find somewhere on Google or something, he his picture's right there, beautifully posted. Okay? Alright, so the one thing I really appreciated about the book before watching the movie is I had a lot more room to understand these characters. The book can slow down, it can actually it actually allowed me to like sit inside of their thoughts. They can explain the internal conflicts that's going on. However, the movie we have to go through visuals, right? Through their communication. Some of the psychological neon nuance can feel different. And that is exactly why I actually recommend doing both. Read the book first though, then watch the movie. And then ask yourself, did I interpret these characters differently? Because if you did, that's the exciting part of it all. Okay, now here. Here we go. Here's my therapist hot take. Okay. The scariest character isn't necessarily the one who behaves the most unpredictable. Sometimes the most dangerous person is the one who everybody trusts, the person who appears calm, the person who has the perfect explanation, the person who knows exactly how to make everyone look unreasonable. And that is something I think we need to remember in real life as well. We can't always identify unhealthy behaviors simply by somebody's appearance. Okay, now if Mili Nina was my client sitting in my office, my qu first question would not be, Why did you act like that? I want to understand her experience. I'd ask, Do you feel safe? What happened? Who do you actually trust? What choices do you feel like you have? What would safety look like for you? And most sometimes when it comes to relationships like this, you also could ask the person or should ask the person. What is it that you love about this person, right? Because you can't be defensive to them because they're gonna well you well, I mean, you can't ask those tricky questions because they're gonna be defensive to you. You know, when I say tricky questions, it's just like, what do you actually see in him? Like, w look listen to all the things that he you've said that he does. Like, why are you staying with that? You have to like actually meet them where they're at and be like, Yeah, girl, I mean Yes, that sounds so amazing. Tell me more of like why you actually love this person and what's going on because it allows them to reflect on like, well, what is it that I actually love about this person? What is it that is actually giving me the emotional reason to stay? Is it because I actually love him and I want to be with him, or is it because he's manipulative, does these things and tries to control my every life, every being of my life? And then I would eventually ask her, who are you outside of what happened to you? Because trauma can become such a po huge part of someone's in identity, right? So part of healing is rediscovering yourself outside of the trauma. Who are you? And now if Millie was my client, I'd want to explore something a little different. I wanted to un I would want to understand like her history, her relationship with risk, her survival strategies, and her beliefs about herself, and especially what makes you believe. you have to handle everything all by yourself. Because sometimes people who have survived difficult circumstances become incredibly independent. Independence can be a strength, right? And sometimes it can also make asking for help seem impossible or not realistic. And then we get to the ending, right? The good part. Millie ends up killing Andrew in self-defense. And she and Nia create this story around his death. And then Millie walks away. But isn't actually but is not actually as the same person who entered that house, right? And that's what I found interesting. Because surviving something changes you. Sometimes it makes you more protective. Sometimes it makes you more suspicious. Sometimes stronger, sometimes more afraid of things. Sometimes all of those things all at once, right? I feel like she was able to realized like she doesn't have to do things on her own and she's not alone. And there are people out there that actually can care for her and she can actually help because the her little the little history of her background is she was put in jail well in pr sent to prison because she ended up murdering her roommate's I don't even think he was a boyfriend. I think it was just a guy. and he was trying to force himself on her and she heard her saying, No, get off me, stop and then it'll beat him to death. So she already don't like men. That's what I got. Because I mean, look at that. You're not leaving a good taste in her mouth anyways. so instead of being punished and taken away, she was actually appreciat appreciated and Given thanks for saving Nina and her daughter. So what can we actually learn from this? so if we take the book and the movie out for a second, right? One thing we learn that charm isn't character. Two, control is not love. Three, trauma can affect how people behave. Four, we should be careful about judging someone without knowing their content. Context, I'm sorry, not content. And five, someone else's confidence doesn't automatically make Their version of events true. And perhaps the biggest one: trust your own instincts, but also stay curious. So let's end with this Book Me versus Movie Me. Book Me was sitting there thinking, I knew something was wrong this whole entire time. I cannot believe that it took this long to figure it out, right? And the movie me was sitting there thinking, okay, I know something is wrong, but how are they gonna show it in this movie? How are they gonna do it without ripping this book apart? And I think that's what made me watching the movie after the book is always so interesting. And the story is still the same story. But your perceptions also change too, right? And honestly, that's exactly what good storytelling is supposed to be doing. So shout out to Freedom McFadden. She did her big one. Cannot wait for the secrets of the house made to come out. And I would love to leave you people with these questions for when you read the book or watch the movie. Who looks unstable? Who has the actual power? Who controls the narrative and who is actually surviving? Because sometimes the person we think is the problem is actually the person trying to survive the problem. And that's my therapist take. So, thank you guys for hanging out with me again. I'm reading books, watching movies, and then we're gonna be unpacking everybody's emotional baggage together, apparently, because I'm really enjoying this. until next time, take care of yourself. Give yourself some grace. And remember, just because I said it doesn't mean you quote me on it.