Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 198: Guilt vs. Discomfort for Highly Sensitive People

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198: Guilt vs. Discomfort for Highly Sensitive People · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people learn how to tell the difference between true guilt and the discomfort that can come from disappointing somebody.
• 0:30
  Because guess what?
• 0:31
  These two things are not the same.
• 0:34
  So let me start with a personal story.
• 0:36
  Over the holidays then I was playing hostess and one of my family members who lives just a little over an hour away, they left something at my house that they really needed for work, and as soon as I saw that they'd left it there, I texted them to let them know it had been left behind.
• 0:48
  And I said, Hey, do you want me to just mail this out first thing in the morning?
• 0:51
  What would work best for you?
• 0:52
  And they told me, you know what?
• 0:54
  Don't worry about it.
• 0:54
  I'll just swing by in the morning.
• 0:56
  So at this point, I'm feeling like I handled things pretty well.
• 0:58
  So I felt a lot of peace knowing that the problem would be resolved in the morning.
• 1:02
  Well, the morning came and shortly after my do not disturb turned off, then I received what I now knew was a follow up text from this family member letting me know that they were there at my house in that moment to pick up said item.
• 1:16
  I had no idea that they were there.
• 1:18
  I felt so guilty to learn that when I didn't respond to their texts, they went to sleep in their car at the local grocery store to wait for me to wake up and coach me and higher mind me knows that this was simply a lack of communication.
• 1:31
  That neither of us had done anything wrong.
• 1:32
  I mean, I could have asked them what time they planned to arrive, and likewise, they could have informed me ahead of time what time they were planning to come.
• 1:39
  But my nervous system in this moment, it was reacting like I had been intentionally neglectful.
• 1:45
  Like I had done something truly wrong.
• 1:48
  So has this ever happened to you?
• 1:50
  Do you know what it feels like in your body to experience these waves of guilt for things that aren't necessarily wrong, but they're just simply uncomfortable in the moment?
• 1:58
  And this might be your own discomfort or maybe you're feeling uncomfortable around somebody else's discomfort.
• 2:03
  Guilt is a really interesting emotion for highly sensitive people, as well as recovering people pleasers, because essentially we've come to believe that because we're so sensitive to the needs and wants of others, that if someone is experiencing any form of discomfort, then it's really easy to adopt the story that, ah, I must have done something wrong, when really we just didn't have the information needed in that moment to avoid that discomfort.
• 2:25
  Right.
• 2:25
  So today we're gonna talk about better understanding guilt, and separating out that guilt from discomfort, as well as learning how to self-regulate your nervous system when your nervous system really wants you to believe that you're the bad guy, the inconsiderate one or the problem.
• 2:39
  But first I'm gonna share with you a few more examples.
• 2:41
  So let's talk about Jan.
• 2:43
  These are all made up ones.
• 2:44
  First stories about me.
• 2:45
  These are all made up, but they could very well be real.
• 2:48
  So Jan was asked to be the classroom mom for an upcoming holiday party.
• 2:52
  But the thing is she has a medical appointment scheduled for that same day.
• 2:56
  And yeah, it's just a routine visit, but it can be a challenge to get in with this doctor and she doesn't wanna put off her health maintenance.
• 3:03
  And so she declined taking on this specific classroom assignment, and in the moment she felt really good about having boundaries and prioritizing her own personal health.
• 3:13
  But shortly after she informed the classroom organizer that she was unavailable, she felt so guilty.
• 3:20
  She thought,"oh no, maybe I should have changed my appointment time.
• 3:23
  I know how hard it can be to get the other parents to help out.
• 3:26
  What if no parents come to help out.
• 3:28
  What then?
• 3:29
  So many of the other parents, they don't have the same level of flexibility as I do, and so maybe it should be me that rearranges their schedule to be there." If nobody else signs up, maybe they'll have to cancel the event entirely.
• 3:40
  The kids would be so disappointed.
• 3:42
  Ugh, I feel so guilty about saying no.
• 3:45
  I am such a horrible parent volunteer." Now, I want you to notice that Jan is making her scheduling conflict mean that she's a bad person, a bad parent, that she's inconsiderate.
• 3:55
  She is believing that she is now overburdening her child's teacher, or the other parents that she's disappointing the entire class, including her own child.
• 4:04
  And that is a lot of emotional weight to put on a simple scheduling conflict.
• 4:10
  But this is extremely common for highly sensitive people and recovering people pleasers.
• 4:15
  So really think about it.
• 4:16
  Are you starting to notice a difference between, I feel uncomfortable and I must have done something wrong?
• 4:22
  If so, good.
• 4:23
  Keep noticing that difference as I share another story.
• 4:26
  So Emma has always prided herself on being the easy one, the one who never makes waves.
• 4:31
  The one who can anticipate everybody's needs before they've even said a word.
• 4:35
  But lately she's noticed something that has been a little unsettling to her.
• 4:39
  Every time that she's tried to do something for herself, even something small, then she started to feel really bad, heavy, wrong, guilty.
• 4:49
  So one evening after an especially exhausting week, she told her sister that, you know what?
• 4:53
  I'm sorry.
• 4:53
  I can't help you with that last minute favor.
• 4:56
  Her fingers were shaky as she responded to her sister's request but she simply said,"you know what?
• 5:00
  I'm really tired.
• 5:01
  I need some time for me tonight." The moment she hit send, her stomach started to tighten up.
• 5:07
  Her head started buzzing and her heart started beating even faster.
• 5:11
  She felt so anxious and guilty about taking time for herself.
• 5:16
  She started asking questions like, well, why do I feel so awful right now?
• 5:19
  Did I do something wrong?
• 5:20
  Am I being selfish?
• 5:22
  And because that uncomfortable feeling was so intense, then Emma made the mental leap that she's always made historically, right?
• 5:29
  She's saying, well, I feel this bad, and that must mean I have done something bad.
• 5:35
  Rather than actually relaxing and resting, like she had planned to, she spent the rest of the night replaying that exchange in her mind, convinced that she'd hurt her sister somehow.
• 5:44
  Convinced that she had failed.
• 5:46
  Convinced that she was the problem in their relationship.
• 5:49
  But here's what Emma didn't know.
• 5:52
  Her body wasn't signaling to her that she'd done something wrong or something bad.
• 5:56
  Her body was simply signaling that she was feeling a little bit uncomfortable.
• 6:00
  She wasn't actually experiencing guilt.
• 6:03
  She hadn't done anything wrong, right?
• 6:05
  She'd clearly communicated and it was okay.
• 6:07
  But instead what she was experiencing was discomfort.
• 6:11
  The discomfort that comes from breaking old patterns.
• 6:13
  It can be uncomfortable to break those patterns.
• 6:15
  The discomfort that can come from choosing yourself For the first time in a really long time, it's unnatural.
• 6:20
  It's not your normal pattern of behavior that is comfort.
• 6:23
  That can come from stepping outside of the role that she'd been assigned to for years Now.
• 6:27
  That of the helper, the fixer, the dependable one.
• 6:29
  Her nervous system wasn't used to this kind of behavior, and so it was sending out signal flares.
• 6:35
  It was saying, warning, something's unfamiliar.
• 6:37
  There's a potential threat here because this is different and I don't know what to expect.
• 6:42
  But, there wasn't any actual threat.
• 6:44
  What she was experiencing was just growing pains from trying something new, from trying something that's more supportive for her personal wellbeing.
• 6:52
  The next morning her sister texted her, no worries.
• 6:54
  I hope you got some rest.
• 6:55
  And Emma felt something that she hadn't felt in years.
• 6:59
  She felt relief.
• 7:01
  And there was also behind that relief, even a tiny spark of self-trust because slowly she was starting to learn the difference between"I feel bad" and"I did something bad." And with that understanding came a brand new truth.
• 7:15
  That discomfort isn't a sign to abandon yourself.
• 7:18
  It's a sign that you're rewriting your own story.
• 7:21
  So when you notice that you're feeling guilty for stating a boundary, or when you start to over own someone else's emotional experience, I want you to notice what's happening in your body and in your mind.
• 7:30
  Is your chest tight?
• 7:31
  Are your thoughts racing?
• 7:33
  Are you wondering if you've done something wrong?
• 7:35
  Are you wondering if somebody's upset with you?
• 7:37
  Are you feeling personally responsible for other people's emotional reactions?
• 7:41
  Sometimes we read these experiences as guilt, but usually when you really slow down and look at things, then nothing bad or wrong has actually taken place.
• 7:51
  So now let's talk for a moment about how guilt shows up for highly sensitive people.
• 7:55
  In recovering people pleasers It might look like over owning negative outcomes, feeling responsible for everybody else's emotions.
• 8:01
  For example, you notice that your partner is upset and even though it has nothing to do with you, then you immediately assume that it's your fault and then you start to do everything in your power to fix it.
• 8:11
  And sure it's nice to offer comfort and also over owning somebody else's emotional experience, it can actually make it harder for them to learn how to self-regulate, making them more and more dependent upon you, which can be a very exhausting cycle.
• 8:28
  Maybe you're believing that it's your job to prevent other people from experiencing disappointment.
• 8:32
  So you say yes to every single work request, even when your plate is already full because you have this fear that somebody else will be upset if I say no, which to your nervous system, it can feel like a worse case scenario that someone else is going to be upset.
• 8:45
  But again, it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong.
• 8:48
  Even if somebody else is upset, it does not mean that you've done anything wrong.
• 8:52
  Or maybe you've learned over time to internalize conflict as a personal failure.
• 8:57
  So if somebody raises their voice in a disagreement, and then you start to feel shame as if their anger is now proof that you're a bad person, rather than recognizing that their frustration or even their anger is just in normal human emotion.
• 9:10
  Maybe for you then your nervous system activation has been masquerading as guilt.
• 9:14
  Your fight flight or FA response.
• 9:16
  It can feel a lot like uhoh.
• 9:18
  I'm in trouble.
• 9:19
  It feels like that self preservation.
• 9:21
  You might get sweaty palms, a racing heart or sinking feeling when a friend cancels plans, for example.
• 9:26
  And your mind might interpret that as, I must have done something wrong because they canceled.
• 9:32
  Maybe a colleague sends a curt email or somebody sends out a text with no emojis and because you don't know how to interpret it due to the lack of emojis, because you may be overuse emojis.
• 9:41
  As a way to like make sure everybody's feeling good, then you might notice that your body starts to tense up as if you're in danger, and it starts triggering guilt for some imagined misstep that, oh no, I must have done something wrong.
• 9:51
  And it's all because of a lack of an emoji, right?
• 9:54
  Or maybe you feel uneasy after prioritizing your own needs and instead of seeing it as normal discomfort, then you think, ah, I must be selfish.
• 10:02
  I shouldn't be doing this.
• 10:03
  You make it a value judgment on yourself.
• 10:06
  Your nervous system wants you to believe that it's better to work yourself to the bone until you're injured or until you're sick, so that you can have a"good enough" reason to decline a request, because saying no can feel so uncomfortable.
• 10:18
  So I really wanna break it down for you and just really simplify the difference between guilt and discomfort.
• 10:24
  True guilt comes from doing something wrong.
• 10:28
  Just because you're wondering if you've done something wrong, it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong.
• 10:32
  Okay.
• 10:33
  So true guilt, it does require accountability, a repair, or some kind of value-based action.
• 10:39
  But discomfort, it often comes from just violating a pattern.
• 10:43
  Okay?
• 10:43
  You violated your pattern of behavior, not your moral code.
• 10:46
  It means this is new, this is unfamiliar.
• 10:50
  I haven't tried stating a boundary here before.
• 10:52
  I haven't let them know how it is that I'm feeling or what it is that I want before.
• 10:56
  I haven't ever made a request before.
• 10:58
  And so it can feel uncomfortable simply because it's new.
• 11:01
  So when discomfort arises, sometimes it's because we've said no, or we set a boundary or we made a choice that somebody else doesn't really like, or we try to stop people pleasing, or we allow other people to feel and process their own emotions and learn how to self-soothe rather than jumping in and saving them from their own emotions.
• 11:19
  So I want you to remember that feeling uncomfortable doesn't make you wrong or bad, it makes you human.
• 11:26
  Just because you feel guilty, it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong.
• 11:30
  Just because somebody is disappointed by your answer or by your current capacity, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
• 11:37
  Just because someone is having an emotional reaction, it doesn't mean that it's your responsibility to fix it.
• 11:43
  Growth feels uncomfortable sometimes.
• 11:44
  And that's okay.
• 11:46
  So for this week, I want you to really notice and see if you can notice a moment where discomfort is showing up for you.
• 11:52
  And then pause to ask yourself some questions.
• 11:54
  Ask yourself, is this guilt?
• 11:56
  Have I actually done something wrong?
• 11:58
  Or am I simply experiencing the discomfort that comes from breaking an old pattern?
• 12:04
  Now if as you have been listening today, if you've noticed that your default setting has become guilt and personal shame and you want to learn how to better differentiate between guilt and discomfort, come and work with me.
• 12:14
  I currently have six and 12 week packages available.
• 12:17
  You can click the link in the show notes or come to www.maryannwalker.life to apply to work with me.
• 12:21
  Space is limited, so reach out now to get on my books.
• 12:24
  You can learn how to trust yourself again and live free of guilt and I can show you how.
• 12:29
  Alright, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 12:31
  Bye now.
• 12:32
  Bye.