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The Dancer’s Guide to Self Worth (S05 Ep74) · ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong

0:00
What we believe is that you need to be 100%, the other person
0:04
need to be 100% and together you build a new 100%.
0:08
This thing that it's 5050 is something that do not believe.
0:12
I just needed to connect to the thing that I like to do and
0:15
understand that there will be people eventually, that we will
0:18
appreciate this thing that I have to show.
0:20
Over time, if you're not careful, and if you don't build
0:24
a trustworthy relationship where both opinions are taken as
0:30
constructive feedback, the person who is less vocal tends
0:33
to tear themselves down internally.
0:36
We often have someone that in a given situation, holds more
0:41
power than the other one. But this is the issue with
0:44
social media nowadays, right? We take self worth and self
0:48
value based on what's out there instead of looking inside.
0:53
I think it's autopilot that it requires us a strong self work
0:58
to get out of it. So it's finding the place where
1:00
you are, independence, where you know the things that you already
1:04
have, the things that you can already bring to the table.
1:07
We're a human and we're not going to be OK in every
1:09
situation, but the better we build ourselves as a person, the
1:14
better we can deal with things within the dance community.
1:20
How much of yourself worth as a dancer do you give away to your
1:25
partners? Are you letting someone else's
1:29
criticism erase all the progress you've worked so hard to
1:33
achieve? And how can you reclaim your
1:37
power and stay grounded regardless of the feedback you
1:41
receive? Well, let's find out.
1:44
Hello. Hello everyone, and welcome back
1:47
to the Canarians. In this episode, we'll tackle
1:51
how we let others influence our self value.
1:55
We'll talk about the psychological traps of seeking
1:59
external approval, how to handle power imbalances in
2:03
partnerships, and why true mastery starts with your mindset
2:09
outside of the studio. Discover with us how to rewrite
2:13
your internal narrative and find authentic happiness in your
2:18
dance. So let's go.
2:29
Hello, hello everyone and welcome back.
2:32
My name is Alison Sanji and let's welcome back our beautiful
2:36
Co host Gibrada. Hello, Gee.
2:39
Hello, Alison. Hello, everybody.
2:41
Welcome back. Good episode today.
2:44
That's right everybody. We're excited for another
2:47
episode and this one is going to be a little heavy.
2:51
So be prepared emotionally for this because we're going to be
2:56
talking about how sometimes, unfortunately, we allow other
3:01
people to rate or value our dance more than what we should
3:07
be doing. It's something that I've been
3:10
through in my dance journey and I've seen so, so many people
3:15
gone through this in my dance journey.
3:17
And recently I was having a conversation with a student and
3:21
they didn't disclose anything to me initially, but as a
3:25
conversation went on we got to identify.
3:29
And. Name what needed to be named,
3:33
which was the fact that by practicing and training with
3:37
other people, that dancer was losing the sense of how good
3:45
their dance was. They were disconnecting from all
3:50
the things that they have achieved just simply because
3:54
somebody was criticizing them or telling them things and they
4:00
weren't equipped to deal with it and to receive it.
4:05
And to still hold themselves up and go like, OK, I hear your
4:10
feedback. I understand it.
4:12
I'm going to apply it. But I still hold myself to a
4:17
value that I know that I have worked for.
4:19
How many times we've heard about this in the community, I don't
4:23
even know. But I think it's something that
4:25
we need to talk about. And hopefully with this episode,
4:28
you're listening will either identify yourself and build
4:33
stronger pillars to hold yourself, or you might actually
4:36
recognize why a friend or somebody in the community may be
4:42
feeling a little off. And hopefully you can go out
4:45
there, have a conversation and help this friend.
4:48
What do you think about that? D How have you experienced, seen
4:53
or dealt with it? I have seen, I have talked with
4:58
people about it and it is a very, I see more commonly in
5:03
people who have partnerships or people who have experienced
5:08
training for a long period of time with the same person.
5:11
Not necessarily a professional partnership, but somebody who
5:14
has been training with somebody else for a long time or
5:18
situations in which one taught the other.
5:22
For sometimes in which the training started with one was
5:26
more skilled than the other and then was showing the dance to
5:29
this other person. And what that did was creating a
5:33
relationship in which the person who was learning, the person who
5:37
was in the beginning at a lower level of experience with the
5:40
dance, creating a dynamic of needing without realizing at
5:47
first needing a constant approval, a constant recognition
5:52
of that person that they were training with or from the person
5:56
that they were partnering with to work.
6:00
So because I haven't experienced that myself in the sense that I
6:04
haven't been training with the same person consisting for
6:07
extended period of time or had a consistent dance partnership, I
6:13
haven't experienced that in the same way what I have experienced
6:18
you is with the public or with organizers.
6:21
I remember one of the first experience that I had with
6:25
organizers internationally speaking was one of my very
6:30
first invitations to teach abroad.
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I got a message on messenger and the person was saying that they
6:37
heard about me and that they would love to bring me to their
6:39
city and asked me to send a couple of videos for him to show
6:44
to the team. And after a couple days, I don't
6:47
remember right now how long it took, I checked in with them and
6:51
I asked, hey, what do you think? And then the person said, oh
6:56
maybe another time, maybe let's bring you another time.
6:59
And I asked why? And then what the person told me
7:03
was the team watched my videos dancing and there was a lacking
7:08
of wild moments in the dance. And because of that, they didn't
7:13
think they would have enough people for the classes and they
7:17
wouldn't be able to pay for the whole thing.
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And then I remember how that immediately affected me, you
7:24
know, And then I felt this huge desire to tell and show them,
7:29
no, I can't do these wall moments.
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I have these wall moments. I just don't normally do them,
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but I can't do them. Just not very calm.
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I just felt this thing. But luckily I have very good
7:40
friends and I call them. And after the conversation, I
7:45
realized that I didn't need to, you know, to prove myself
7:50
necessarily to that person. You know, I just needed to
7:54
connect with the thing that I like to do and understand that
7:58
there will be people eventually that we will appreciate this
8:01
thing that I have to show. I think I was very lucky to have
8:04
that right away, have the conversation right away.
8:07
This was 2017, eighteen, literally my first month's
8:13
teaching. And I got that conversation
8:15
already. So there has been my first
8:19
experience in the sense of requiring or wanting someone
8:22
else's approval to think that I'm worth it, you know, to think
8:27
that I know enough. And then after that, it was
8:32
mostly on that end of things, mostly the people who will hire
8:36
me, people who will want me to teach them, you know, like to
8:41
prove to them that I am able, that I'm capable.
8:44
So I haven't experienced that yet in partnerships, but I have
8:48
seen and heard about that so many times.
8:52
And Allison, you have been in a longer term dance partnership,
8:56
right, then other forms of this partnership.
8:59
So your experience with that might be it is different than
9:02
mine, right? Yes, absolutely.
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But I must say I have been very lucky to have beautiful dance
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partners that did not do that to me.
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You know, on that side, I'm very lucky.
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But in terms of working with people, whether it's schools,
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organizers and promoters, that has happened as well.
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But I first want to focus on the student, on the dancer
9:30
perspective. And because I think that's where
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it mostly happens in a silent way in the community,
9:38
unfortunately, unfortunately. And this may happen because of
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one thing that somebody said or multiple things that multiple
9:49
people said, or just because that person has heard multiple
9:55
feedbacks from a training partner.
9:58
And then they start thinking down on themselves what we're
10:02
talking about here. Let's put a picture, let's paint
10:07
a scenario. Let's say you are a follower
10:12
who's been dancing for a bit and you're a leader who's been
10:15
dancing for a bit, and both of you decide to start practicing
10:18
together. And scenario 1, the follower has
10:25
more confidence to speak up. Let's imagine both of them have
10:29
the same level, but the follower has more confidence to speak up
10:33
and say what they feel. And the leader has less over
10:37
time if you're not careful and if you don't build a trustworthy
10:42
relationship where both opinions are taken as constructive
10:48
feedback. The person who is less vocal
10:52
tends to tear themselves down internally.
10:57
They may not be showing that to the partner who is helping them.
11:01
And maybe they are very thankful in saying, Oh my God, thank you
11:05
so much for sharing. I really like that you criticize
11:08
me. I really like that you say those
11:09
things to me. But internally, they're tearing
11:12
themselves down because they think they're not good enough
11:15
for this or for that, for this or for that.
11:17
And then you can also see that from the other side where
11:22
leaders are trying to do things and the followers are there
11:25
training with that leader. And as the leader, they're
11:29
trying to lead these or trying to lead that.
11:31
And they're just telling the follower, all you need to do
11:33
this, all you need to do that, you need to do this.
11:35
It didn't work because you did this.
11:37
It didn't work because you didn't do that.
11:38
And then the follower is just going in this downward spiral of
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what should I do? Should I breathe?
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Should I open my eyes, close my eyes, Should I step?
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Should I think? Should I not think?
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And then it goes down. So that's what we're talking
11:55
about. When the feedback may come from
11:59
a good place, it may come from a good place, but maybe the
12:04
relationship or the delivery may not have reached a level that
12:11
the other person can feel like it's helping them.
12:15
Or maybe the person does feel like, you know what?
12:17
This is helpful, thank you very much.
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But they are not equipped enough with the right tools to see it
12:26
and to read that feedback and stay positive.
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This is the hardest, hardest things.
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And I've been through this in work relationships where I was
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being torn down so much on a daily basis that I started
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questioning everything that I did.
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I just wouldn't even think without thinking, what will the
12:52
other person think about this? I wasn't able to take steps
12:57
because everything that I thought, oh, OK, I'm going to do
13:00
this. But I would immediately
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interrupt myself and tell myself, Oh no, this is not good
13:07
enough for that person, right? And in social dancing, this is
13:11
so tricky because we are training to dance with as many
13:15
people as possible. So how could one person affect
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your experience so much? Well, it's possible.
13:26
We see it all the time. So I think from this part of the
13:29
episode on, we can start focusing more on how to build
13:33
yourself and how to build that strength to make sure that
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whether you're being criticized by somebody who has the most
13:44
amazing intentions towards you or not, you will still be safe
13:50
and you will still feel powerful about yourself.
13:54
For me, it was a journey of a lot of therapy and reading lots
13:58
of books and understanding that I was doing that because of my
14:02
upbringing, like I was doing that to myself because of
14:06
experiences that I've had in the past.
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So then once I understood that, I was able to build a little bit
14:13
more strength and thick skin to understand what should and
14:19
should not affect me. But if I can say something about
14:23
this to help in a summary is to really try to look inwards and
14:32
to understand what you have achieved so far.
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Everything that you have worked for and all of that is in your
14:40
body. And there is nobody that can
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delete that from my body. From my experience, basically,
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no matter what anybody says, what I have experienced, what I
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have learned is in me. My job is to make sure that I'm
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always connected to that instead of disconnecting with everything
15:01
that I have and connecting my worth and my value to whatever
15:06
that other person says. So I think that's like a big,
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big, big way that I try to ground myself whenever I hear
15:13
anything, social media and all those things, they're, they're
15:17
quite tough. So when I see something on
15:21
social media that affects me, I go like, no, I am happy because
15:25
I have achieved this, I have achieved that, I have achieved
15:27
this and I'm proud of myself because of those things.
15:32
I may not be that thing or that thing for whatever reason, but I
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understand where I am now and where I am now is a choice.
15:41
Am I traveling the world teaching every week in a
15:44
different city? No, but I could feel bad about
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it. Am I in every festivals poster
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right now? No, and I'm happy about it
15:53
because it's a choice that I have made to change my life, to
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focus on different things. And I think that's the way that
16:02
I've helped other students, trying to help them open their
16:07
eyes for all the beautiful things that they are focusing on
16:10
and that they are achieving and hold on to that whenever they
16:15
feel a little shaken. How does that resonate with you,
16:18
guy? How do you deal with this in
16:20
life or when you're trying to help somebody else?
16:24
Well, how much time do you have? OK, 30 minutes.
16:28
I'll try to be quick. Yeah, this is the biggest thing
16:32
for me right now in life. For example, there are a couple
16:35
of things I want to say. I'll try to keep them in order.
16:39
I will start with the last thing with the second thing, which is
16:41
answer your question, Allison, and I will answer it with
16:45
something very personal that has been happening to me recently
16:49
and relates to what is the story that we are telling ourselves
16:56
about something that is happening or that happens.
16:58
Like Allison said, he's right now not traveling the world, not
17:03
in all the poster of all the festivals and feeling happy
17:07
about that because that was the choice they made.
17:11
What is the story, Alison, that you made the choice to be home,
17:15
build a family, build a community, stay put.
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And that not being in the posters doesn't mean that he's
17:22
not relevant because the story could be.
17:25
I'm not relevant anymore. People don't want me anymore.
17:28
That could be the story, you know?
17:30
And for me, for example, I'm 36 years old and there is a story
17:36
in my head that I am rewriting, in the process of rewriting
17:40
because when I was a young young boy, a young Padawan and I would
17:44
see a 36 year old man like, wow, you are old, you know, and
17:52
normally a 36 year old man when I was a boy was this very
17:56
responsible adult, you know, with a car and a house and kids
18:01
and been working and having all these adult conversations and
18:04
use polo shirts and tucking their shirts in their pants.
18:08
Very adult looking, you know, kind of like view of what a 36
18:13
year old man looks like. And then I look at myself and
18:18
I'm a 36 year old man who sleeps on a couch bed, you know, that
18:23
lives with a lady in DC that I found on Zillow.
18:27
But it's super nice. Nothing in the house is mine
18:30
except for my clothes in the computer.
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So the story that immediately came to me was, Oh my God, I'm
18:38
failing in life. You know, like I am not this
18:42
thing that I thought a 36 year old man supposed to be like.
18:47
So that story started forming in my head.
18:49
But then I realized, but wait, look at all these other things
18:56
that I have achieved at 36, all these things that I've done,
19:00
things that I've seen, that I've eaten, place that I have
19:03
visited, or how much I have acquired in knowledge, in
19:07
theoretical knowledge and empirical knowledge, in all of
19:10
these things, you know? So this story that I am not the
19:15
adult I think I should be started to take shape.
19:19
And I started to get frustrated and anxious about it and
19:23
rewriting the story or bring a new meaning to what is to be a
19:26
36 year old man. He can be another one, you know,
19:31
and this happens with us in I'm sharing a very personal thing
19:35
about my life and what has been the most current thing for me.
19:39
Right now, I am in the process of rewriting this story and a
19:43
lot less anxious. But as a dancer, we take it out
19:48
of the big context of life and put in the context of this
19:50
activity that I do, this thing that I do to bring me joy to
19:54
meet so many of my needs. I think stories about this can
19:59
become much more powerful because we are dealing also.
20:03
With very essential human needs as recognition, approval from
20:09
the clan, a need for expression, a need for connection, and we
20:13
often have power imbalances. That's the second thing I wanted
20:18
to mention that someone who said to feel powerful.
20:21
And that's I think a very important aspect in our field
20:25
right now, the matter of feeling powerful.
20:28
And I think that's related to it's a matter of feeling
20:31
confident as well. And that confidence giving you
20:36
power in the sense of give you the understanding of what you
20:41
can offer and that being enough, that being good in our residents
20:47
look world. And I think any part of this
20:50
world, to be fair, or any art world, we often have someone
20:56
that in a given situation holds more power than the other one.
21:00
And that power comes in different forms.
21:03
For example, the person who is more skilled or the person who
21:06
is more famous, or the person who has been in the scene for a
21:10
longer time. So when I go dance in the social
21:13
with a follower that I understand should be at a higher
21:17
level of skill than I am without wanting to do that, without
21:22
realizing, I give this person the power like here is here is
21:27
the power to decide whether or not I am a good dancer.
21:31
And I am going to see that through your body language, if
21:35
you're smiling or not, if you're looking at me or not.
21:38
So I'm going to be constantly looking for signs of approval
21:42
from that person that I consider to be the most powerful and the
21:45
one that holds more powerful subconsciously to see whether or
21:48
not I am worthy. You know, I am worthy as a
21:52
dancer in general. Flip that, I'm dancing with my
21:56
students, my basics 1 basics 2 students.
22:00
I am the one who is holding more power and they are putting the
22:03
power in me for their approval. So when I say to them, wow, that
22:07
was very good, they say, Oh my God, really?
22:09
I think that I was messing up on this thing like no, no, it was
22:13
really nice. And then they leave the dance
22:15
floating, you know, because for them, my approval as their
22:22
superior, you know, in the sense of like hierarchical superiority
22:26
in skill level or position in the scene, put me in a position
22:30
of power. And then without wanting to do
22:33
that, put their worth in my hands, you know?
22:37
And when we have partnerships or training ships, we also have
22:44
that happening. Someone is holding that power,
22:48
you know, And Esther Perrell, if you guys don't know Esther
22:52
Perrell, look it up. Esther Perrell, she says
22:55
something really, really interesting about that.
22:58
She says that it's very natural in any relationship to have
23:02
imbalance of power. And that power keeps shifting
23:06
back and forth depending on circumstance, depending on the
23:09
time, depending how long the relationship has been happening.
23:12
And The thing is, what do you do with that power?
23:16
How do you go about that power? The problem is not having the
23:19
power. The problem is what do you do
23:21
with it. And in partnerships, it's very
23:25
common that power imbalance leads the one with less power to
23:30
be constantly seeking the approval of the one with war and
23:36
seeking for that signs of approval.
23:38
And the more that the other partner tells them that stuff is
23:41
not good, that they're doing this wrong, that this is not
23:44
working, it just confirms how bad they are, how not worthy
23:49
they are. Like Allison was saying, am I
23:51
blinking right? Am I breathing correctly?
23:55
You know? And then I have seen this
23:56
happening. And then sometimes the partner
24:00
who is seeking that approval is sometimes in a constant state of
24:07
anxiety or insecurity because even though the other partner
24:12
gives them some form of recognition, it's almost like
24:16
they're expecting the moment in which it will flip back to not
24:19
receiving that recognition anymore.
24:22
So there is a constant state of insecurity about that approval,
24:27
that recognition, you know, until the moment in which the
24:32
person finds that power within their confidence.
24:37
And can I wouldn't say like necessarily only assert
24:41
themselves that too. And the feeling, I think this is
24:46
more internal, like the feeling that they are, that they have
24:51
it, that they got it, you know, so when they talk to their
24:55
partner, it comes from that place.
24:57
But I also understand about this dance.
24:59
I also know what I'm talking about.
25:01
I've also been training this for some time.
25:04
You know, maybe we can find a place that we are both, you
25:08
know, enjoying the situation because if it's just one
25:12
adaption to the other the whole time, you know, it often doesn't
25:16
work. And I have seen this happening
25:19
many times in partnerships, professionally speaking, in
25:23
partnerships, locally speaking, and in training partnerships as
25:28
well. People are not working together,
25:30
they're just training. And this happens, which I think
25:34
is what happened, right, Addison, on your end, it's not a
25:37
professional. It's someone who is dancing
25:39
because it enjoys dancing and wants to get better.
25:42
You know what I mean? And that's the other thing, I
25:44
think that has an impact. I don't know what you think
25:46
about this, Addison, but this idea of getting better, of being
25:50
better in the dance, being a good dancer, what does that
25:54
mean? And perhaps that has an impact
25:56
when people train, you know, like when the people train with
26:00
the the person that they consider should be the better
26:02
dancer and wanting to get to that level.
26:05
So establishing what is better, what is the better thing.
26:10
And that also having an impact on how they see themselves and
26:13
how they see the dance and everything else.
26:16
So, yeah, this is something that I wonder what you think,
26:20
Allison, about the idea of getting better and how that
26:25
might affect people in this relationship.
26:30
The first thing that I want to talk about before I answer to
26:33
your question is how the interaction between people can
26:38
happen. My suggestion for anybody out
26:41
there who has a practice partner or knows that somebody is in
26:47
this situation, we're out there and tell them that.
26:51
What I suggest is for them to focus on what they're feeling,
26:56
not what the other person is doing right or wrong.
27:01
For example, when I train with Gee, when I train with
27:03
Christina, when I train with anybody all the time, the only
27:07
feedback that we give or request is how does that feel for you
27:13
and what do you want to feel more?
27:15
So for example, if Gee tells me, oh, this is not working, I want
27:21
to feel more of this instead of this is not working, you should
27:27
be doing this, right? Same thing with Christine and I.
27:31
We'll tell each other, oh, this is what I would like to create.
27:34
This is what I would like to feel.
27:36
This is the direction that I would like to go.
27:39
What do you feel that needs to be changed for us to do that?
27:44
Or if Christina or I want to or feel that, oh, I need to correct
27:51
the other person, we reframe that Instead of trying to
27:55
correct the other person, we're trying to give them the
27:59
direction that we want to go. So instead of telling your
28:02
partner or the other person, hey, you should enter that door,
28:07
I will tell the other person I would like to go to that door.
28:11
Do you want to come with me? Are you OK going to that door?
28:15
So this is kind of something that I really, really love to
28:18
use in my personal life and in my dance partnerships and work.
28:24
To be open and honest in a way that I am expressing how I feel
28:30
and what I want instead of telling the other person that
28:34
they are not doing what they should be doing in my
28:37
perspective or that they are not meeting my needs.
28:41
So that's the first thing. And to answer to your question,
28:44
Gee, what is a good dancer? Right, guys?
28:50
If you want, you can spend $1,000,000 on private lessons
28:54
and you can ask hundreds of teachers and he's still not
28:59
going to get a good answer, right?
29:02
Because in the end of the day, to me, what is a good dancer
29:06
really is something that you need to ask yourself based on
29:12
the things that you know and the experiences that you've had.
29:15
A good dancer for me, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 years ago,
29:19
five years ago, and today, they're all different people.
29:24
I'll be very honest. Like today, if you ask me what
29:27
is a good dancer, I will tell you it's a person that can
29:32
social dance and enjoy every moment of every social dance
29:36
with anybody that's a good dancer.
29:39
Yeah, this remind you something immediately when you said that
29:43
in the context of what we are saying, right?
29:45
Like you have this person you're training with and you consider
29:48
that person to be better than you.
29:50
So you have that idea that that person is the good dancer and
29:54
you want to get to that level, you know, And I remember one of
29:58
the people that I talked to, they were training together and
30:03
the person who was the one with more experience, that was
30:07
exactly their characteristic. They were an incredible social
30:11
dancer. Dance with everybody really
30:13
well. The main point for that person,
30:16
it was that how can I be like them?
30:20
How can I enjoy every dance like them?
30:23
I don't enjoy every dance like them.
30:25
So I'm not a good dancer. And also they were comparing to
30:29
the other person. They were like, I'm not good and
30:32
I'm never going to be as good as they are because I don't enjoy
30:36
this like they do. You know, that reminded me
30:39
because the thing that you said, I think it was actually very
30:42
good because it reminded me of an example that was exactly that
30:46
situation. Yeah, like I said, the good
30:51
dancer, the best dancer may change depending on what I value
30:56
at that moment. So if I'm looking at somebody
30:59
who can do all of this complex, musical crazy things, and I
31:04
think that's a good dancer, everybody else who doesn't do
31:08
that, I'm going to think they're a bad dancer.
31:10
And if I see videos of myself not doing that, I'm going to
31:12
think I'm a bad dancer, right. So it's very based on what we
31:18
believe by what we are exposed. But this is the issue with
31:24
social media nowadays, right? We take self worth and self
31:29
value based on what's out there and what's popping, what's on
31:33
fire, what everybody's liking and sharing.
31:36
Instead of looking inside and thinking, when were the moments
31:42
that I felt like a great dancer? What was I experiencing in that
31:48
dance? What kind of movement, what kind
31:51
of touch, what kind of music was playing and paying attention to
31:57
what naturally happens. We're all humans.
32:01
We are not going to be a carbon copy of somebody else.
32:06
So I need to look at my own dance and think, OK, when I do
32:11
this and this and this and this, I feel the most alive, I feel
32:15
the most happy. But then I go and I watch a
32:18
video of key dancing with somebody and I can see all the
32:21
things that I don't have. I can have a choice right there
32:25
to forget everything that I know I have and just focus on the
32:30
things that I don't have what Gee has.
32:33
Or I can go like, wow, Gee, such an inspiration.
32:37
I would love to learn those skills and add that to the
32:42
skills that I already have and that I love.
32:45
A lot of the times this is not something that is spoken about.
32:51
Nobody knows that it happens in dance.
32:55
And guys, I would question if there's anybody out there in the
32:58
community that doesn't actually look into themselves and
33:04
sometimes wish that they could do something else, have another
33:08
set of skills. We all do that, but we have to.
33:14
We have to do a lot of this work outside of dancing.
33:18
That's the bottom line, really. Every time you put more money
33:23
into dancing, more money into traveling, more money or time
33:28
into training harder, but you don't work on yourself, the
33:33
person outside of dancing, completely disconnected with
33:37
dancing. I don't think you're going to
33:39
get there, honestly. I've seen time and time again, I
33:42
have done this to myself many times in the past where I just
33:48
thought I need to train harder, I need to learn more, I need to
33:53
travel more, I need to be seen more, I need to do better shows,
33:58
I need to do crazier movements and lifts, and I need to spend
34:03
more time in my costume. But all of those things were
34:07
just not things that I was happy with or that would make me
34:14
happy. It was just things that I was
34:16
doing so other people would validate my worth or would give
34:20
me some worth. And then I would feel like, Oh
34:23
my God, this person said that my costume is amazing.
34:27
And then I think, Oh my God, spending all of that money was
34:29
worth it. Nah, you know, I highly
34:33
recommend everybody who is going through any issue to make sure
34:38
that you don't try to fix that within the dense.
34:42
If you fix that outside of the dense, I believe that for the
34:47
majority of things that may affect you within the dense,
34:52
you'll be stronger to deal with and you'll be more grounded and
34:55
have stronger pillars to hold yourself instead of to let
35:00
yourself break down. So the stronger we are outside
35:03
of dance, I think the better we can do with everything within
35:07
dance. I think we just go along
35:10
replicating long lasting behaviour of doing things right.
35:16
Am I doing this right? Is this correct?
35:19
You know, with our parents where everything we wanted to do, it
35:23
was to please them and to hear them tell us, you're doing this
35:27
right, you know, So in dance partnerships, whatever nature it
35:32
is, I think we replicate this behavior and there is someone
35:37
that we want to make things right for or there's someone
35:42
that we want to tell us, oh, this is right, this is good.
35:45
You know, and when we have a continuous situation where we
35:53
are continuously seeking that approval, where continuously
35:58
wanting to hear and see that confirmation of how good we are,
36:04
it gets harder and harder to get out of it.
36:07
The longer that persists, the harder it is to get out of it.
36:11
And I say this from like a personal perspective, nothing to
36:14
do with this. And also by observing other
36:17
people who go through situations like this in this partnerships
36:22
where even after they don't dance anymore or they don't
36:26
train together anymore, there is still this thing going on of
36:33
like, I want to be doing things right for that person in order
36:39
to get that approval, you know, and.
36:42
It's kind of like, what would that person say?
36:45
Exactly what would that person say?
36:49
Would they approve this? Would they like this?
36:51
Would they think this is good for me?
36:55
Exactly man, I think it's so autopilot that it requires us
36:59
too strong self work to get out of it.
37:04
Everything is with balance. I think it's good, you know?
37:07
So there is this idea, for example, if you have a master
37:11
and then somebody that you look up to and let's say that this
37:14
master is the person that you're training, whether the person you
37:17
are partnering with. I think it's very natural that
37:20
we seek for some sort of validation, recognition from
37:24
that master because we admire them and we consider that they
37:27
have something to offer that we want to get.
37:30
Like Alison saying the matter of inspiration, they inspire us and
37:35
we want to attain that knowledge, you know, and I think
37:39
that's natural. I think that's totally fine and
37:42
healthy. The invitation that I make for
37:46
myself and for everybody is to understand when that starts to
37:51
become about everything, about everything that you do, every
37:55
movement you make requiring that, is it good for you?
37:58
Does this work? You know, in the sense of I am.
38:03
Almost. Not good enough and I am
38:06
basically just anything can throw me to a place of yes, you
38:12
are definitely not good enough, you know?
38:14
The issue is when you become dependent, right?
38:17
Yes, exactly. Exactly the points, the
38:20
dependency. So it's finding that place where
38:23
you are independent, you know, where you know the things that
38:28
you already have, the things that you can already bring to
38:31
the table. And that sometimes can come in
38:33
the form of some affirmation exercises where you ask yourself
38:39
or you ask the person, what is it that I bring that you enjoy?
38:43
What is it that I contribute that you like?
38:47
Is there anything that I do that I bring that you would like to
38:51
attain as well? So something that gives you an
38:54
idea of what is already working? Or is it that you are already
38:58
adding to the relationship? You know?
39:00
Because taking away this feeling that you are not someone who is
39:05
bringing value and getting to the mindset that you also bring
39:10
value to the relationship is really important.
39:13
Because even if the person tells you and somebody else tells you,
39:17
you will take you some time to believe.
39:20
So you might need a little bit more time with information, you
39:24
know, so it's better that you start receiving at some points
39:29
with some students, I take the time to let them know what is it
39:34
that they are bringing already? What is it that is working
39:36
already, You know, that wasn't working before, that now is
39:40
working. So they know what's going on.
39:43
And also that's something that I can think about right now when I
39:47
am coaching people who are training together, doing this
39:51
exercise. Tell them what they bring.
39:55
Now you tell them what they bring.
39:57
So it exercises that gratitude as well.
40:00
It exercises the recognition and their acknowledgement of the
40:04
other and how much it's supposed creating something together, not
40:10
just one. That creates everything and the
40:12
other one is just there like as an appendix, you know what I
40:16
mean? So that's I think that's really
40:17
important and I encourage that for partnerships, professional
40:22
or people who are just training together.
40:25
And a little reminder here, we've said this time and time
40:29
again, dance is therapeutical, but dance is not a replacement
40:35
for therapy. So please guys, don't feel
40:39
ashamed. Look for help, whatever that
40:42
help is, but get help outside of dancing if you're feeling like
40:48
something's not right in your dancing.
40:51
And this could also mirror to other parts of your life.
40:55
OK, but here we're going to be talking about dancing.
40:58
The other thing is something that we teach every student that
41:03
comes in contact with us. Don't do the math, but what we
41:08
believe is that you need to be 100%, the other person need to
41:12
be 100% and together you build a new 100%.
41:17
This thing that it's 5050 is something that do not believe.
41:22
I think I understand the concept of like, oh, partnership is
41:26
5050, sure. But I think in dense
41:30
partnership, it needs to be the new 100, but not because 250
41:37
fifties came together more because 21 hundreds came
41:40
together and fused into another 100.
41:44
Because when you bring yourself down for the other person,
41:48
that's not an equal partnership. Even if it's 5050, I don't think
41:52
it's a good partnership because you're not exploring your full
41:55
self. You're not bringing your full
41:57
self. So make sure that no matter what
42:00
you do, you're trained technically to be 100%
42:04
responsible for your dance, emotionally to be 100%
42:08
responsible for your dance and the experiences that you have
42:13
out there. Try your best to build yourself
42:17
in a way that in most cases, you're going to be OK.
42:22
We're a human and we're not going to be OK in every
42:25
situation, but the better we build ourselves as a person, the
42:31
better we can deal with things within the dance community.
42:35
Whether it's your own dancing, whether it's some community
42:39
thing that is going on, whether it's a competition or
42:42
performance. All of those things, they are
42:45
not solved by training more or learning better technique or
42:49
paying thousands of dollars for a teacher course.
42:52
I don't think any of those things are going to solve a
42:56
situation that needs to be solved inside.
43:00
Yeah. And I think the last thing I
43:01
would say is a reminder what Alice mentioned before in this
43:05
episode, which is the communication between partners
43:09
when training and the changing of the focus from what is it
43:13
that the other person is doing wrong or that is not working to
43:18
invitations to what could the person be doing to make this
43:25
thing here feel more comfortable, feel more clear or
43:29
anything like that. I think changing the language
43:32
and changing how you approach it will also change how you think
43:35
of it. And also when you are training
43:37
with someone and you change the wording from like, oh, you
43:41
didn't turn this way. You should have turned this way,
43:44
you know, to like, oh, I noticed that you turn this way.
43:48
Is there anything that I can do to make it more clear that we
43:51
can turn this way, you know, and that really changes the way you
43:55
think of these things. So I just wanted to bring back
44:00
this thing that Alison mentioned in this episode, that is.
44:03
Really. Really, really important because
44:06
for the person who is holding the power, remember that we said
44:10
it's not a problem to be the one with the power is just what you
44:14
do with this thing, you know. So if you are the one who has
44:18
more knowledge of the technique, if you are the one who the
44:21
person is coming to for inspiration, you having the
44:25
power of the seniority, let's say, you can use that to bring
44:32
to the person who is learning from yours, learning with you a
44:35
completely different experience of growing together, you know.
44:40
So that perhaps, is the most emphatic invitation that I make
44:47
out of this episode. And if you're the person with
44:50
less power or experience, try to reframe the questions however
44:56
they come. They may come like, oh, you
44:58
should have turned reframe the question and ask, OK, how would
45:04
you like me to do that? And then they will explain
45:09
whatever. And they say, oh, OK, So what I
45:11
need in order to do that is to fill this so then you can
45:16
hopefully have a more productive conversation.
45:20
And to be honest, guys, we're talking about dancing.
45:22
But I cannot limit this to dancing because I would say that
45:27
I applied this to my entire life, OK?
45:30
Anything in my life, relationships, friends, family,
45:35
I applied this, you know, I just tell them what I need and what I
45:38
feel. If they ask me, Oh, but what you
45:41
want me to do, I'll tell them what I want to feel, you know,
45:46
because I don't want to tell them what to do.
45:48
I've had so many issues that growing up and I personally, I
45:53
like to avoid that. But yeah, guys, this was a deep
45:56
one and hopefully this was one that helped you in some way.
46:02
And if you'd like to show your support to us, please make sure
46:05
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46:10
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46:15
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46:18
Thank you for being here. And we're looking forward to
46:20
seeing you on the next one. So pages, pages.