Latest / Libido Lounge / STOP Making These Communication Mistakes in the Bedroom

Transcript

STOP Making These Communication Mistakes in the Bedroom · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Welcome to the libido lounge.
• 0:02
  We focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
• 0:05
  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:20
  Why is talking about sex so difficult so much of the time?
• 0:24
  That's what we're talking about today on the libido lounge.
• 0:27
  I'm your libido expert, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane, and welcome back to
• 0:33
  my channel.
• 0:35
  So it's pretty interesting when I look at studies on conflict, on communication and
• 0:42
  conflict.
• 0:43
  And there's three big threats that come up when couples are trying to solve something.
• 0:50
  One is a threat to the one individual.
• 0:54
  The second threat is a threat to your partner, and the third is a threat to the relationship.
• 1:01
  So what's interesting is that when it comes to conversations and communication around sex,
• 1:08
  while in other types of communication, the three threats, threat to self, threat to
• 1:13
  partner, threat to relationship, are all pretty equal.
• 1:17
  When it comes to sex and talking about sex, the there's one of these three threats that has a
• 1:24
  bigger, say, impact and is a bigger threat to than the others.
• 1:30
  So out of these three, the biggest threat tends to be the threat to self.
• 1:36
  So that's really interesting.
• 1:37
  Right?
• 1:38
  And and perhaps there is some sort of biological of, say, evolutionary reason for
• 1:45
  this.
• 1:46
  Perhaps it's due to this primal, say, deep rooted animalistic part of ourselves as humans
• 1:53
  are in in the animal kingdom.
• 1:55
  So perhaps there is this animalistic part of ourselves that really just knows that this
• 2:00
  particular function is inherent to survival.
• 2:05
  So if this function if sexuality is not working or we feel like we're made to feel like we're
• 2:10
  doing something wrong or we're not doing it right, it could perhaps be triggering that very
• 2:17
  core of our primal survival and procreation practice as as humans.
• 2:25
  Obviously, sex is way more than just procreation.
• 2:28
  Obviously, it's fun and connection and love and oxytocin and resetting and so many other
• 2:33
  things.
• 2:34
  But from a primal's perspective, there is this procreation, say, survival of the species'
• 2:41
  instinct as being an animal.
• 2:44
  Regardless, however, in my opinion, this threat to self is a really important finding in
• 2:51
  research studies because this explains why so many times a conversation with a partner can
• 2:58
  look something like you bring up something around sexuality, and you try to make a change,
• 3:05
  and the other person gets offended.
• 3:07
  They get either anxious.
• 3:08
  They get avoidant.
• 3:09
  They get with withdrawn, dismissive, maybe even angry, defensive.
• 3:13
  Right?
• 3:14
  There's all of these emotions that can come up because what's happening, there can be this
• 3:19
  core threat to who one is and what one is able to provide in the world both for themselves and
• 3:27
  for their partner and for the relationship.
• 3:30
  So because of that, the conversations around sex oftentimes need to be handled in many ways
• 3:35
  with more care than and then other types of conversations.
• 3:39
  And, of course, all conversations should be handled with care, but there is a bigger threat
• 3:45
  sometimes with these types of conversations as we see in studies.
• 3:50
  So I'm gonna put a couple studies in the resources, information.
• 3:54
  So if you guys are interested in any of this, you can certainly check this out yourself.
• 3:59
  So I really feel then that one of the most important things we do is we realize we go into
• 4:06
  these conversations around sex and if we're communicating with our partner.
• 4:10
  And, frankly, to have great sex, you have to generally communicate with your partner.
• 4:15
  And whether that's great night sex for a small moment in time with somebody or great sex for a
• 4:21
  lifetime with somebody, no matter what it is, the more we can communicate, the better it
• 4:26
  tends to be.
• 4:28
  Because as it turns out, nobody can read our mind.
• 4:31
  And it's such a, you know, big and grave mistake to think that a partner, that a lover
• 4:36
  is just gonna automatically read our mind to know exactly what we want at any point in time.
• 4:42
  You know, I think so many times movies and TV shows are they almost portray, like, that's
• 4:47
  what's supposed to happen, but that's not, you know, realistic.
• 4:51
  So in order to have great sex, we have to have great communication around sex.
• 4:56
  So how do we do this?
• 4:57
  Well, remember going into any of these conversations, we really wanna remember this
• 5:03
  this potential threat to the self.
• 5:05
  Because this potential threat to the self means that if I'm bringing a conversation up to my
• 5:10
  partner and I wanna change something, I wanna request something to be done different, that my
• 5:15
  partner might get triggered by this threat to oneself.
• 5:19
  And so we can go into conversations, and we realize that.
• 5:22
  First of all, just even the knowing can change the approach.
• 5:26
  Secondly, the way that these kinda kinda conversations tend to do the best is when we
• 5:32
  are focusing not on making anybody wrong, not that anybody is doing something wrong.
• 5:37
  This doesn't mean that you can't, like, ask questions or explain that something is not as
• 5:42
  enjoyable to you as maybe it it used to be, but going into a conversation more from, like, a
• 5:49
  curiosity standpoint and then not a blaming standpoint.
• 5:52
  Because another thing that I find with sexuality is people's preferences change
• 5:57
  throughout life.
• 5:58
  So you might find that at one point in your sexual history, you might have enjoyed one way
• 6:05
  of kissing, of hugging, of making love.
• 6:08
  You might have enjoyed toys or anal or something else.
• 6:11
  And another period in your life, you might not.
• 6:14
  Right?
• 6:14
  So it's very normal for these things to change throughout our lives.
• 6:19
  And so just even understanding that can really help navigate these conversations as well
• 6:24
  because it can be confusing, right, if you've maybe been having sex in a certain way for
• 6:31
  twenty or thirty years, and then you bring to your partner that you don't really wanna do it
• 6:35
  that way anymore.
• 6:36
  And it's like, well, have you been spending twenty or thirty years hating it?
• 6:40
  Right?
• 6:40
  So we wanna be careful because you can see how in a situation like that, words can get twisted
• 6:46
  around so easily.
• 6:48
  So going into conversations and talking about things like, you know, things that you love,
• 6:54
  things that are working really well, bringing up even and naming that, you know, you've you
• 6:59
  just enjoy your sex life and you really feel like your preferences have changed.
• 7:03
  It's another great approach if you want something to be different.
• 7:06
  Like, you know, this has been great, and, like, I'm just finding that these things that were
• 7:10
  working and they've been working for so long.
• 7:13
  Like, all of a sudden, they're not as interesting to me anymore.
• 7:15
  Right?
• 7:16
  So to have these kind of conversations where you're almost explaining the change and why
• 7:22
  there's a change and not making it about that other person can be huge.
• 7:27
  Now we have to talk.
• 7:28
  Right?
• 7:29
  To have great sex, we have to talk about things we don't like.
• 7:33
  But the if we really are protecting the threat to self and we go at the conversation around
• 7:39
  things we don't like and instead be thinking about, okay.
• 7:44
  Well, what are the favorite things that I do like, and how can I have a conversation to get
• 7:51
  more of these things?
• 7:53
  Sometimes when we just focus so much on all the things we do like and that we want more of and
• 7:58
  give suggestions, there just becomes not a lot of space in the sexual activity for those
• 8:03
  things that you don't like as much anymore.
• 8:05
  So sometimes they can just fall away on their own.
• 8:08
  Other times, we do need to more directly name them, but we wanna name them in a way, again,
• 8:12
  that is not gonna threaten that other person.
• 8:15
  You know, I think the same thing comes up when people bring in sex toys, and sex toys have
• 8:21
  been shown to really help so many couples and help with pelvic pain in women, help with
• 8:27
  prostate health in men, can help reach orgasm more easily for women.
• 8:32
  It can help heal tissue.
• 8:34
  It can help bring more, say, feeling and sensation to tissue that's gone numb, and they
• 8:40
  can just add in long term monogamous relationships.
• 8:43
  Adding in a toy or two or seven or eight can really help to bring a novelty back.
• 8:50
  Right?
• 8:51
  But it's common.
• 8:52
  One of the common things I've heard from people when from especially from women if they're
• 8:57
  interested in bringing this in.
• 8:59
  And most commonly, I've seen it go this way where it's women interested in bringing a toy
• 9:03
  and then her male partner feels threatened.
• 9:05
  Of course, you know, that arrangement can look lots of different ways.
• 9:09
  But one of the things that I think is is concerning that people bring up, right, is,
• 9:13
  like, is this vibrator going to replace me?
• 9:16
  Am I not good enough?
• 9:18
  Is it going to overstimulate you, and now you're never going to be able to just enjoy
• 9:23
  just me?
• 9:24
  Right?
• 9:24
  These are common concerns.
• 9:26
  You can see in all those concerns, if we root it back, there's that threat to self of, like,
• 9:32
  oh my gosh.
• 9:33
  Am I gonna be replaced?
• 9:34
  Am I not good enough?
• 9:35
  Do you not like this enough with me?
• 9:36
  Right?
• 9:36
  That's all that threat to self is is comes up.
• 9:40
  So anytime we bring things up, again, we wanna remember that threat to self is going to be
• 9:46
  perhaps at the forefront of the conversation.
• 9:49
  So, you know, really looking and leaning into things, like like, for people that are trying
• 9:54
  to bring toys into their partnership and having some sort of resistance, it's good to ask why,
• 10:00
  you know, where that resistance is.
• 10:02
  And it's also good to go into these conversations and explain and take this off the
• 10:07
  table.
• 10:07
  Like, this is not to replace you.
• 10:09
  This is not something that we're even saying that we're gonna use all the time.
• 10:13
  This is not saying and just, like, you know, kinda quell some of those fears.
• 10:17
  And I love coming back to research because I find that data is amazing for helping people
• 10:25
  understand.
• 10:26
  So understanding that twelve weeks of vibrator use had at three times a week has a five times
• 10:33
  reduction in pelvic pain in women.
• 10:35
  Right?
• 10:36
  That we see numbness come back, like, the feeling I mean, numbness go away.
• 10:40
  Like, the the feeling come back when we're using vibrators.
• 10:44
  Right?
• 10:44
  So there's, like, these health benefits that we're now seeing with some of these vibrator
• 10:48
  use.
• 10:49
  And, also, a lot of times, especially with age, just like for men, it's very, very common with
• 10:56
  age to go through erectile dysfunction, and there's tons of stuff we can do for that.
• 11:01
  With women, it's very common to lose sensation and feeling.
• 11:05
  And one of the things that can help women the most with maintaining healthy orgasms and
• 11:11
  maintaining feeling in their vaginas and vulvas and their clitoral structures is to use a
• 11:17
  vibrator because it can help to send that blood flow.
• 11:20
  It can help to reengage the nervous system to the tissue, and it can actually then translate
• 11:26
  into better penile sex with a male partner.
• 11:30
  So all of these things, when you understand these things that it's, like, really to
• 11:34
  enhance, And we're training our partner this and really coming back to, hey.
• 11:39
  This is not a threat to that self.
• 11:41
  Right?
• 11:41
  That the core so the more we can get on the same team with the core desire is to grow
• 11:47
  closer or to have better sex with your partner, to be more intimate, whatever it is.
• 11:54
  And, usually, I find too that once couples, if they are debating about something like vibrator
• 11:59
  use, once they're over that hump and once a a man in a hetero relationship, once a man is
• 12:06
  able to see what a vibrator can do to enhance female pleasure that he still gets to provide,
• 12:13
  right, that he still gets to be part of, that it actually can, take away so much of this fear
• 12:20
  because the level of enjoyment and the level of orgasm and the level of sensation can go up so
• 12:25
  much for the woman.
• 12:27
  So, again, I just wanted to do this podcast on this topic because I think it the communication
• 12:32
  is just the most essential thing and really coming back to just making sure that threat to
• 12:37
  self is not a problem is is, I think, the most important thing in this conversation.
• 12:43
  So I do also wanna invite you here in just a few days is my four day to better sex jump
• 12:50
  start.
• 12:51
  So I'm offering this as my twenty twenty five New Year's gift for everybody totally for free.
• 12:57
  So make sure you join because I don't know if I'm doing this again totally for free.
• 13:02
  So make sure you join.
• 13:03
  Make sure you use that coupon code.
• 13:05
  And in just four days, we're gonna go through the top things you need to do to have better
• 13:10
  sex.
• 13:10
  So you are gonna be equipped for having some of the best sex of your life in just four days.
• 13:15
  That's what we're gonna be working on.
• 13:17
  I hope you will join me.
• 13:18
  There's tons of prizes we're giving away and bonuses and free entry to some of my courses
• 13:24
  and paid workshops.
• 13:26
  So I hope to see you guys there.
• 13:27
  Again, it's totally for free.
• 13:29
  Please go down into the show notes here to grab the link and the coupon code to do that.
• 13:34
  Please do show show up live if you register because we are doing actionable things.
• 13:39
  One of my core values is efficiency.
• 13:42
  So in all my teachings, what I'm always working to do is make it actionable in real time.
• 13:46
  So we're gonna start to put into place some of the the processes to have better sex and some
• 13:52
  of the plan around it right during our time together because action is when things get
• 13:57
  done, action is when things change.
• 13:59
  So please show up live so you get the most out of it.
• 14:02
  So, again, that's starting here next week.
• 14:05
  So please do, sign up right away.
• 14:08
  If you are watching this after long after the fact, if you have found this podcast long after
• 14:12
  the challenge is done, please also, check out some of my freebies and my free resources that
• 14:17
  I do offer, and I'll put that link in the show notes for you guys as well in case you're
• 14:21
  catching this later.
• 14:22
  Alright, everybody.
• 14:23
  Thanks again for another episode of the lounge.
• 14:26
  Keep me posted on your communication and how I can support on your communication in the world.
• 14:32
  And always remember, you are sexy.
• 14:33
  You are beautiful.
• 14:34
  Stay sexy.
• 14:35
  Stay classy.
• 14:36
  We'll see you another time.
• 14:42
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 14:44
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 14:46
  Please share this with your friends.
• 14:48
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me @mylibidodoc.com.