Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Why Your Ex Is Acting Like You Don't Exist

Transcript

Why Your Ex Is Acting Like You Don't Exist · The Art of Love With Lucia

0:08
If your ex is acting like you don't exist, it's not because
0:11
they forgot you, it's because acknowledging you would make the
0:14
breakup emotionally inconvenient for them.
0:18
They're choosing distance, so acting like you don't exist is
0:21
one of the easiest ways to protect that choice.
0:24
That's why chasing them makes this worse, not better.
0:28
Now that doesn't mean that they don't feel anything, but it does
0:32
mean distance is serving them better than contact right now.
0:37
So in this video, I want to break down why your ex may be
0:41
acting like you don't exist, what's actually going on
0:45
underneath that behavior, and what you need to do if you don't
0:49
want to help them keep the breakup on their terms and make
0:53
sure you listen till the end because one of the biggest
0:55
mistakes people make after this happens is they try to correct
0:59
the distance and that usually pushes the ex even further into
1:03
it. If you're new here, hi, my name
1:05
is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
1:07
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
1:10
over your ex. And if you're not new, then
1:12
welcome back my beautiful and no contact army.
1:15
OK, so the first thing you need to understand is that when your
1:18
ex acts like you don't exist, they're usually trying to
1:21
protect the breakup. If they were the one who ended
1:24
it, or they were the one who pulled away emotionally, then
1:27
contact with you threatens the very space they're trying to
1:30
create because the moment they engage with you, it's no longer
1:34
clean. Now there's emotion,
1:36
conversation, guilt. Now there's a possibility that
1:40
they start feeling soft again, or the risk that you hope or ask
1:45
questions or want clarity or want more.
1:47
So what do people do? They go cold not necessarily
1:52
because they're cruel by nature, but because distance It's easier
1:56
to maintain if they make the connection feel shut down.
2:00
That's why this behavior can feel so extreme.
2:02
So you're sitting there thinking, well, how can someone
2:05
who cared for about me yesterday act like I'm invisible today?
2:08
Because for some people, that emotional cut off is how they
2:13
hold the line. They know that if they act warm,
2:16
it complicates things. If they act caring, it invites
2:19
more contact. If they act unsure, it opens the
2:22
door. So they choose distance.
2:26
The second reason is that acknowledging you Wood Forest
2:30
them to face the emotional consequences of what they've
2:33
done. A lot of dumpers don't want to
2:36
acknowledge that discomfort. They don't want to feel your
2:39
pain or see the impact of their decision.
2:42
They don't want to feel like the bad guy or bad girl.
2:45
They don't want to deal with your sadness, your confusion,
2:49
your hurt, or even your calm disappointment.
2:52
Because once they really see that, then the breakup becomes
2:56
emotionally real. Often people want the outcome of
3:01
a breakup without having to fully sit in the emotional way
3:04
of causing it. So instead of dealing with the
3:08
consequences directly, they avoid.
3:11
They stop responding with warmth.
3:13
They start acting distanced, detached, weirdly unaffected.
3:17
And again, that doesn't automatically mean they feel
3:20
nothing. A lot of the times, actually, it
3:22
means they they feel something. But it it's inconvenient and
3:29
someone can avoid you precisely because contact would make them
3:32
feel too much, not because they feel too little.
3:35
Now, that doesn't mean you should romanticize their
3:38
silence. That's another mistake.
3:40
So don't sit there telling yourself, oh, well, they must be
3:43
ignoring me because they love me so much.
3:45
No, the better way to look at it is their silence may not mean
3:50
indifference, but it's still silence and silence is a choice.
3:55
And by the way, if you would like my help to get your ex
3:58
back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
4:02
will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
4:06
the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
4:09
OK. The third reason your ex may be
4:11
acting like you don't exist is that they do not want to reopen
4:15
something that they just closed. And this is especially true when
4:19
they believe that any contact with you is going to become
4:23
emotionally heavy. And yes, I'm talking to those of
4:26
you with an anxious attachment style.
4:28
And let's be honest here, sometimes they're right.
4:31
A lot of people say they just want one simple conversation.
4:37
But what they really want is reassurance, answers,
4:40
validation, hope, or of course, another chance.
4:44
And that energy comes through. You can't fake it.
4:47
So if your ex feels that even a small interaction is going to
4:52
lead to a bigger emotional pull, they'll avoid the interaction
4:56
completely because from their point of view, even one
5:00
conversation can feel like the beginning of getting pulled back
5:03
in. And if they don't want that or
5:06
they don't trust themselves with that, then distance feels safer.
5:10
This is one reason why some exits are actually more
5:13
comfortable reaching out months later than they are right after
5:17
the breakup. Right after the breakup, the
5:20
emotional charge is too high, the expectations are too high,
5:24
the pressure is too high. So they would rather act like
5:28
you don't exist than deal with any of that.
5:32
And so if you are in no contact and you need help to say in no
5:36
contact, be sure to download my app, Silencio, where you can
5:41
count the days you've been in no contact, hit the panic button if
5:45
you're about to break it, and post your story in the community
5:48
and get help from everybody else.
5:50
And of course, the link to that is underneath every single video
5:52
and podcast. And if those of you who still
5:55
practice the ancient art of reading books, ebooks, then you
6:00
can also download my book No Contact Secrets at
6:03
nocontactsecrets.com. OK.
6:06
The fourth reason is that they're going to assume you're
6:10
still there. And this one is is huge.
6:13
And it explains why chasing after a breakup usually
6:17
backfires. If your ex believes you still
6:20
want them, still miss them, still care, will still respond
6:24
if they reach out. And then they don't actually
6:26
have to confront the loss in a serious way.
6:29
They may have broken up with you, but if your energy is still
6:33
fully available to them, then they don't really experience
6:37
your absence. They experience your pain, your
6:40
pursuit, your continued investment, but they do not
6:45
experience your absence. And that's why some exes can
6:49
look almost bizarrely comfortable acting like you
6:52
don't exist. Because in the back of their
6:54
mind, they believe that, well, you're not actually gone.
6:58
They think you're still there if they want to circle back, that
7:02
they still have emotional access and they can come back later and
7:05
test the waters. They think the door is still
7:08
cracked open because you keep showing them that it is.
7:11
And this is where a lot of people get trapped because they
7:13
think they're fighting for the relationship, but what they're
7:17
really doing is removing the consequences of the breakup for
7:20
the other person. And once you do that, your ex
7:24
has even less reason to feel urgency, curiosity, or concern.
7:31
The fifth reason your X is acting like you don't exist is
7:35
control. Now, not every X is consciously
7:39
manipulative, but break UPS often create a power imbalance.
7:44
The person who wants less contact has more power in this
7:49
dynamic. And if your ex knows you still
7:52
care, they may unconsciously settle into a position where
7:55
they control the distance. They decide when to respond,
7:59
whether they engage, how much warmth you get, how much
8:03
ambiguity you have to tolerate. And meanwhile, you're left
8:07
reading into delays, crumbs, social media activity.
8:12
That's why this dynamic is so destabilizing.
8:14
It's not just that they're gone, It's that they're gone in a way
8:17
that leaves you off balance. And when you're off balance,
8:22
you're more likely to chase, to over explain, to ask for
8:25
clarity, to accept scraps because scraps feel better than
8:30
nothing. And this is how people stay
8:32
stuck. You have to learn to sit with
8:34
not knowing. But for most people, that's very
8:38
difficult. And that's exactly why your
8:41
response matters so much. But before I get to that,
8:44
there's one more reason we need to talk about sometimes your
8:49
act. Your ex is acting like you don't
8:51
exist because they are focused on other options.
8:56
And that could mean another person.
8:59
It could mean dating attention from other people enjoying the
9:03
freedom of not being tied down. It could mean distraction.
9:07
Whatever the specific form is, the point is the same.
9:10
Their attention isn't with you. And I know people hate hearing
9:15
that, but pretending it's never a factor doesn't help anyone.
9:19
Sometimes an X goes cold because they want a cleaner runway into
9:22
whatever comes next. Sometimes they don't want
9:26
emotional overlap so they don't want to feel guilty while
9:29
exploring other options. Again, I know, harsh but real.
9:34
And This is why begging, explaining, or trying to remind
9:37
them of what you had usually does not work.
9:41
Because when someone is oriented away from you, more pursuit is
9:46
not going to create attraction. It creates more pressure, more
9:49
guilt, more avoidance, or more certainty that breaking up was
9:55
the right thing to do. Now let's talk about the mistake
9:59
that most people make when their X acts like they don't exist.
10:02
They panic. And that panic makes sense,
10:06
because obviously being ignored after intimacy feels very
10:09
unnatural. It makes your nervous system
10:11
want to restore reconnection as soon as possible.
10:15
So you text, you explain, you ask if they hate you.
10:17
You send a long message. You try to be understanding, you
10:20
try to be mature. You try to clear the air.
10:23
That's a famous 1. You try to show them that you're
10:26
not a threat, and you try to remind them of your bond.
10:30
But what usually happens? You make it easier for them to
10:35
keep the breakup exactly where they want it, because now they
10:39
don't have to wonder how you feel.
10:40
They don't have to miss you. They don't have to experience
10:43
the actual emotional cost of losing access to you.
10:48
They don't have to face your absence.
10:50
You are doing the emotional labor of staying connected while
10:55
they enjoy the distance. That is a trap, and if you're
10:59
able to see that, the strategy becomes clearer.
11:03
If your ex is acting like you don't exist, stop trying to
11:08
interrupt the consequences of that choice.
11:10
Stop trying to rescue the connection they're stepping away
11:13
from. Stop trying to make them more
11:16
comfortable with the breakup while you're becoming more
11:18
miserable. Stop trying to prove your value
11:21
to someone who is actively creating distance.
11:25
You do not respond to this by begging for attention or
11:28
answers. You respond by making your
11:31
absence real, not fake. Indifference.
11:35
Not posting things to get a reaction.
11:38
Not sending some grand final message.
11:41
Real withdrawal. You cannot chase someone into
11:45
feeling the weight of losing you.
11:47
Backing off is about refusing to help them keep you half
11:51
available while they are half gone.
11:54
That arrangement destroys people.
11:57
Now. Could your ex feel your absence
12:00
later? Of course, that happens all the
12:02
time. Once the pressure drops, once
12:05
the breakup becomes real, once your availability isn't obvious,
12:09
some XS do start to feel curiosity, relief.
12:15
So sorry. They feel relief fading, guilt
12:19
rising, nostalgia returning, or attraction reawakening.
12:23
And in fact, if you heard my video from a few weeks ago
12:27
titled I Got My Fearful Avoidant X Back after seven months, then
12:31
you know that this is possible. And I'll put that link on the
12:34
YouTube video in the upper right hand corner.
12:38
However, the point is not to sit there performing silence and
12:42
secretly hoping that it works. The point is to actually step
12:45
out of this one sided dynamic. Whether your ex comes back or
12:50
not, your power starts returning the moment you stop
12:54
participating in your own neglect.
12:57
That's the line I want you to remember.
13:00
Your power starts returning the moment you stop participating in
13:04
your own neglect. Let them sit in the signs they
13:07
created. Let the breakup become real for
13:09
them instead of only real for you.
13:12
And in the meantime, get your dignity back.
13:15
Get your nervous system back. Get your center back.
13:19
Because the goal is not just to get noticed again.
13:22
The goal is to stop handing your value to someone who is choosing
13:26
not to hold it. OK, so if you have any questions
13:30
or comments about anything I've said, please post them below and
13:35
be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any future
13:38
videos or episodes. And in the meantime, remember,
13:41
love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.