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Childhood Echoes: Why You're Afraid to Ask Your Spouse for What You Need · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for March 19, 2026 Childhood Echoes Why You're Afraid to
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  Ask Your Spouse for What You Need We've kicked around what selfishness is,
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  what it isn't, and why a certain degree of it is necessary.
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  With that as a groundwork, let's move on to discussing selfishness in your marriage.
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  I think you'll be surprised by what you hear if you talk about this honestly.
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  Your spouse may not consider you selfish in an area where you think you are,
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  or they may not see it as being nearly as significant as you see it.
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  On the flip side, they may see you being selfish or you don't think you are.
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  As already mentioned, part of the equation is perspective.
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  If you value something more than your spouse knows, they may see selfishness
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  where you see a reasonable request.
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  Dealing with such issues will require a lot of discussion about what you each need and why.
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  Talking about how you feel when what you need is in short supply is important.
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  Also identify what needs you feel can and should be met by others,
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  and what you feel should only or primarily be met by your spouse.
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  As you talk, please understand that there is no one-size-fits-all standard for what we need in any area.
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  A woman of childbearing age needs more than twice as much iron in her diet as her husband.
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  If she only gets what he needs, she will have a variety of problems, including fatigue.
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  Mental and emotional needs are the same way. A husband wouldn't tell his anemic
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  wife that she's being selfish for needing iron. We shouldn't do the same thing with emotional needs.
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  Expecting your spouse to be okay with the level you need for something is wrong and unloving.
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  Our history often dictates our emotional metabolism. Some of the individual
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  variation is due to what we did and didn't get growing up.
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  An individual who didn't receive enough touch might have a massive hunger for
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  it when they get married.
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  On the other hand, a serious lack of something growing up may result in denying
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  that need for both ourselves and others.
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  Thinking, I don't need that, so you shouldn't either, is human nature.
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  But it may be dead wrong. What's more, we may actually need that thing too.
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  Being denied in the past can cause us to be unwilling to express our needs As
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  much as it hurts to not have it, asking for it and not getting it is far,
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  far worse This can lead to pushing our spouse away,
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  Others get upset the need is being ignored by their spouse Even though they
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  have never expressed it or have significantly downplayed it Our upbringing can
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  mess with us in other ways too.
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  Overindulgent parents can cause us to see every want as a need Some of us were
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  programmed by our childhood to be selfish And as with anything that was normal
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  for us growing up, it can be very difficult to see this in ourselves.
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  Then there's the issue of thinking we don't deserve something we need.
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  Perhaps we were told this growing up.
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  Neglectful parents tell their children they are selfish and too needy.
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  Or we play the what-have-I-earned game, thinking we only deserve what we need
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  from our spouse when we have done a satisfactory job of meeting their needs.
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  As you can see, there are a lot of mental issues and emotional traps regarding
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  this issue. The more honest you can be about which of these you have,
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  the better off you will be.
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  First, you have to admit the issues to yourself and then to your spouse.
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  Next, discuss how to work on the things that keep you from feeling and expressing
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  your needs in a healthy way.
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  As always, if you get stuck, get trained help. This is Paul,
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  and doing marriage well requires being vulnerable.