Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP68] How to stop beating yourself up over what could have been (own your part and loosen your grip)

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[EP68] How to stop beating yourself up over what could have been (own your part and loosen your grip) · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

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  So you had a plan, but stuff happened.
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  Body, mind, emotion internally.
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  And it didn't go to the plan that you had.
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  The work has helped me become a lot more accepting of these decisions.
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  So I spend less time and less energy fighting myself or sitting on the fence, feeling guilty.
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  So it's like what we do internally, feeling guilty about the choice.
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  I'm about to make
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  and there's a win
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  yeah that's definitely
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  however once the decision is made
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  I still struggle with what could have been
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  narrative in my head
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  okay so then once the decision is made
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  the head goes right
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  next part part two
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  especially when I know I'm fully responsible
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  for putting myself in this position
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  okay I still have a go at myself
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  okay so then it's like
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  the mind says the thing
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  other thing it was since the illness so then the body goes okay now I have to deal with this I have
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  to hold this so I think there you go like you've already got you know like the machine right like
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  this goes there that's wired to that that's wired to that and that's wired to that you know and
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  that's how it goes like a Christmas tree that lights up right line is the same pattern the
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  structure of it and you can already see the structure of it I think very much related as
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  well to the question that Viviana asked the first question that I just answered there it's now you
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  have awareness of the pattern and you know how it plays out and just because we have awareness of
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  the pattern doesn't mean you don't fall into it like I woke up this morning and I thought great
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  I've had some good amount of sleep and the next thing you know I had some you know like news
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  some stuff and then he was like oh right like whatever plans i had just got
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  bulldozed and then i also similar actually i was kind of giving myself a hard time like shit i had
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  all this stuff that i planned today had to get it done it has to be done today um type thing
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  and actually the truth is the only person that says it has to get done now and today or
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  yesterday or the day before is me. And at the end of the day, you know, if it needs to be done on
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  the weekend or next week or whatever, like, it's going to be okay. So that's the first thing I know
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  for myself, like, okay, it's going to be all right. And I'm the one doing that to myself.
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  And so the first part is like, stop, take a breath, stop, interrupt that, like, you know,
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  scratch that CD. The following, you know, like the next part of the machine is like, you already
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  gonna give you a hard time then your body's gonna take it on and you're gonna feel more shit and
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  then you're gonna you know like it's just this cycle that we go through and that's just your
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  cycle that you've described there and sometimes it's like too late i'm already sitting in shame
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  i'm already my head's already giving myself a hard time for feeling you know more unwell um
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  and not doing the thing and the shame on top of that has made it worse you know now my body's
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  actually carrying that as well so it's like it's like waking up in the morning i find like some
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  mornings i didn't have enough sleep you know for whatever reason i was up at night or whatever
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  and the answer i know is like i just need to sleep more but my mind goes no no there's a lot to do
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  today doesn't matter if you've not got enough just get up and start the day but the answer is very
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  shut up, just go back to sleep.
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  Get another one or two hours of sleep.
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  It's gonna be okay.
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  So what I'm getting at is a lot of times we know what to do.
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  We know the pattern, we know what to do,
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  we know how to interrupt it,
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  but still we'll find ourselves in the pattern.
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  And that's kind of part of the journey.
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  It's like, that's us becoming more skilled
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  at, let's say, dealing with the pattern,
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  like dealing with the machine that's running the show.
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  each step you know it's like okay too late for me to go back to bed but let me stop giving myself
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  hard time oh too late because it's now progressed to the next part like each stage will have the
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  thing that you can you know like you can just do let's say so sometimes this might be like all
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  right i'm already sitting in shame i feel terrible and physically i feel you know worse so what's the
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  thing I really need right now let me give myself that because I think any more of that just
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  exacerbates that pattern you know and the repercussions of that which generally I have
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  to go and clear like you know I have to go and clear the deck so I go back step and go back like
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  you know undo the shame undo the guilt undo the this undo the that before I can get back you know
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  like the thing I needed was let's say more rest like in yours you know it's something else
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  just deal with, I think it's okay to have some days just be a write-off.
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  Like today was like a bit of a semi-write-off for me.
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  I got a few things done, but I was like, there's nowhere near what I planned to get done.
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  Because, you know, I like agreed with myself yesterday.
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  If I got to bed, I'm like, cool, tomorrow's going to be a productive day.
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  It's going to smash you through all this stuff.
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  No.
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  And somehow, some days it's just like that.
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  you know and the best thing i can do is not make it worse you know like not making it worse is
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  actually more productive than just making it really shit and then having to deal with that
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  i find so you know what some days just happen to be a write-off it's a nice sunny day sit in the
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  park or go for a walk or you know just fuck it like just write it off and just enjoy the evening
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  loved ones or whatever the thing and then start again tomorrow go to sleep wake up you got some
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  energy you got another chance and that's a good thing about you know being alive or still being
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  alive obviously that can be the counter argument that says oh what do you know like what if today
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  is my last day okay yeah but probably not for everyone most of us probably a good chance that
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  we're going to get up tomorrow and we get to have another chance so and even if we did you know it
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  probably the thing that is such a big deal it probably wouldn't matter anyway even if like
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  today is the last day do you know what I mean but we make it a big deal we make it a bigger thing
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  and then we go through these cycles and we just make it harder and worse you know and really like
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  more and more like impossible for us to actually just get back and i don't know i think i've learned
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  over the years for me personally it's like that's all right didn't go to plan it's not the end of
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  the world and actually so often when things don't go to plan if i let go of my grip on how i think
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  it needs to be it should be like this it has to be like this if i let go loosen my grip on it and
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  let go so often yeah it goes off in a tangent but actually it ends up being beyond what i could have
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  planned or imagined anyway ends up you know like then there's room for like some magic you know
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  the day to be magical or for me to have like some i don't know like some random experience you know
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  i meet someone and become friends or you know i end up going to a new place or you know finding
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  out new something you know which i wouldn't have if i'd stuck to the my plan and it had to be like
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  that so i think you know what's a learning underneath it and uh the sooner we learn the
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  lesson that life is trying to show us the quicker we are freed from the pattern and the repercussions
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  of the pattern.
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  I think it's generally the answer.
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  So knowing the pattern is one part,
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  but actually making the choices
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  that's going to allow you, me, any one of us
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  to be free of it, that's different.
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  Like to be living it, you know,
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  to live from the awareness of knowing the pattern
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  and being able to choose differently.
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  That's, you know, a different path.
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  a different level of growth, right?
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  Like that you have had to have experienced.
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  So it happens.
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  And I think, you know, if the root of it is relax,
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  like it's going to be okay.
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  As a matter of fact, it might be more than okay.
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  It might actually turn out to be pretty magical.
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  Then all of it, you know, starts to,
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  when we, when I start to loosen my grip
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  and let go of my grip, you know,
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  life tends to start to loosen its grip as well.
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  mirroring back right so so that's what I would say yeah so like you know if it's
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  okay you haven't you know had the time that you put aside to write your book
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  and you didn't make the progress in the book or you know for someone else fill
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  in the writing of the book with whatever said goal or task one it's not the end
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  of the world and to probably trying to write a book when you're not feeling
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  well it's not probably going to go very well anyway you know or fill in the blank with any
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  other task um so the best thing to do is like okay let me just park that let me just deal with this
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  thing first that is more urgent right now and i think the most urgent thing the highest priority
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  is always our health you know like without it it's nothing like you know you can't build anything
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  else on that foundation so if something is happening with health then you just have to
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  put everything aside and the quickest path to getting back to the task is once it back you know
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  in your health you know and emotionally and mentally you're going to be feeling better not
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  just motivated but just in a place to start you know producing the work that you want to produce
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  anyway so it's all just like a it's a chain reaction it's like you know a very known pathway
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  The mind goes down.
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  The work has helped me.
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  So spend less energy fighting myself.
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  Yeah.
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  Still struggle.
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  What could have been.
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  Yeah.
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  And I think that the what could have been thing is the gripping.
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  So when we hang on to what could have been,
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  we close off what is and could be.
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  we're hanging on to one version of what it could have been so we're stuck in the past then um it
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  has to be that way you know i've decided it has to be that way so therefore life universe has to
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  deliver that you know otherwise i'm not happy especially when i know i'm fully responsible
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  for putting myself in this position i still have good myself yeah so that's something that you know
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  we have control of like the giving yourself your heart a hard time beating yourself down guilt shame
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  like that's always that we cause our self-suffering and we are slowing down getting back to the task
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  you know like this book writing is like spending more time in guilt and shame and you know causing
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  more suffering to ourself is further away from actually getting back to the book writing you
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  or fill in with said task.
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  What can I do to recognize the part I've played
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  in the reality I'm facing,
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  but now not feel any shame for it?
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  I think if shame is what is there,
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  and if you find yourself in the stage of the pattern,
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  which is shame,
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  then I would say pause and feel the shame fully,
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  or anger, or resentment, or frustration,
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  or whatever the emotion is,
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  if you find yourself at the stage
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  where it's like you're in the emotion of it,
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  just pause and feel it.
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  Feel it fully.
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  Not jump into it and drown yourself in it,
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  but to just become aware of it.
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  I say just, but become aware of it.
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  And then go underneath that.
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  It's like, okay, I know this place.
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  And how I got here was step one, step two, step three.
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  Okay, now I'm in shame.
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  Let me feel that fully.
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  And underneath that is,
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  me gripping on like it had I had an idea and it had to be that way yeah that's the thing I'm
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  learning here um what can I do to recognize the you know the part I've played in this reality
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  it's like yeah that's you know in this case I would say it's that hanging on deciding you decide
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  that's how it has to be and then I can gripping on tightly as possible um which then causes all
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  these next parts. Yeah, I think the decision sometimes, you know, we forget that like we can
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  also make a different decision. I just thought I'm going to write my book today. Okay, I'm not
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  feeling well. So now I decide I'm going to rest today. That's fine too. I decided I'm going to
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  take a day off today because I'm tired. That's okay too. You know, I got it to a point in my
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  afternoon that I know it's going to be delivering satsang today. And I was like, my energy levels
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  and you know what?
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  I think it's better for me just to have a nap.
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  And I'm like, yep.
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  I think I've had enough experiences of that
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  where I've shown up
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  and I've not have the level of energy
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  that I wanted to bring to the session
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  or, you know, like present.
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  To know that the most productive thing for me to do
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  is what's going to seem the least productive.
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  So in that case, it was like,
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  you know, I gave myself half an hour nap,
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  got up, freshened up,
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  I'm here. I'm able to pay attention.
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  So sometimes the most productive thing
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  will look like the least productive thing.
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  Because in the bigger scheme, the bigger picture of it is that
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  I'm wasting less time
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  in some emotional hole
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  that I've jumped in. Like I've dug the hole and I'm jumping myself.
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  And then I'm like, oh my god, this sucks.
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  So I pull myself out of it and get back to the thing.
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  like I'm recovery basically
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  like recovering myself back
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  and so therefore
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  I think relating it
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  to the previous question
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  is like
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  you start to see it play out
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  there'll be certain things
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  the body will say certain things
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  the mind will say certain things
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  the emotions will start feeling
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  or you might see certain
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  like you know
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  like how the
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  like pieces of a
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  I don't know
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  like a chess
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  you know board game
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  the pieces are lined up
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  in a certain way
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  and you're like
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  hmm this looks familiar
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  okay
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  Let me start to see that.
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  Let me start to make different choices.
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  But sometimes we're just in step two or three.
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  So sometimes you just have to feel the emotions
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  and then step back and get yourself back out of it.