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Everything You Need to Know Before Going Through the Back Door with Annette Benedetti · The Kink Consultant

0:08
It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hey everyone, and welcome to
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this week's episode of the King Consultant Podcast.
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I am joined by Annette Benedetti and I am delighted to have her
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here for the month of King Tober.
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We've done a podcast exchange. And I am so excited to get to
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share King Tober with you. Likewise, so Annette, you have
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your own podcast talk sex with Annette that I was honored to be
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on earlier this month. And then also you're a sex and
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intimacy coach as well and you have only fans where you give
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how to's on sex tips. And then one of the things that
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make most excited to interview you today is your guide on your
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website, talksexwiththenet.com. You have an amazing library of
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articles and maybe even videos where you talk about how TOS and
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one of them in particular really got me excited and that is your
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how to or your intro to anal. And as soon as I read that, I
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was like, OK, all of my listeners need to hear that.
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So today we're going to talk all things sex and intimacy
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coaching. I want to hear more about only
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fans. And then we are going to get
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deep into anal sex. We are going to get deep.
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I would love your origin story. How did you get involved with
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sex and intimacy coaching and this line of work in general?
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It really came about through my podcast.
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I think with political changes we've seen here in America, I
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felt that it was really important for women to have a
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voice when it came to their sexuality.
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I'm a survivor of essay and it was an opportunity for me to
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regain my voice, to show the world how and what women really
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feel and want from sex because there was so little information
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out there about women's sexuality, the things that we
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desire and how to bring us pleasure.
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And I believe that a sexually empowered woman is a safer woman
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and a generally speaking, more powerful woman and a more
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productive woman. And I felt that by getting the
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information out there and bringing women on to help
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educate the masses, I can play a role in that.
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I love that and I couldn't agree more with you, especially I
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think even just women having desire, that myth that women
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don't have desire, like how has that lived on through sex in the
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city, through songs like walk through so many like cultural
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moments. But yet the myth that women
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don't have as high as sex drive, aren't as interested in sex,
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don't want it. It's prevalent.
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Like even with some of my clients, they say like, well,
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women don't want it. I'm like, that is absolutely not
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true. So that's.
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Well, because for a woman to desire sex and all kinds of sex
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and lots of sex, it has been shamed throughout our history.
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Because when we are fully embodied sexually, when we
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embrace that power, because when our sexuality is incredibly
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powerful, we really are the gatekeepers of sex, Right?
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Yeah. And when that is shamed and
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suppressed and oppressed, then we lose our power in society, in
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our relationships, in our jobs, in our families.
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But when we embrace it, we get to run the show.
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So yeah. We really do.
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I talk about this a lot on the podcast.
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It kills me how virginity is put on this pedestal as this thing
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we need to protect, and then our only job becomes protecting it.
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And if we're not doing that, it's like we're not feminine.
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We're Loose Women. Whatever negative, shameful
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thing someone wants to stamp on us, that's what it becomes.
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Virginity isn't real, so everybody knows that.
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It's like some people don't even have a hymen.
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There is a woman who has had sex and is experienced at sex, and
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there is a woman who hasn't had sex.
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But the concept of virginity, it's a social construct, right?
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This thing to be protected. It's just a lack of knowledge
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and experience. That's a lack of knowledge on my
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part about not everyone having a hymen to begin with.
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I thought this. Women are born without them.
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Sometimes they're broken in childhood.
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Riding a bike or any number of things can cause that membrane
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to not fully form or to break in like very young childhood.
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It offers really nothing. And I forget there is some
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reason, biological reason. Over time it has become a not
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useful part of the body or whatever it is.
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But I mean, the concept of virginity is a social construct.
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The idea of purity, it's a social construct.
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Why would we decide that lack of knowledge and experience in sex
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is more precious than knowing how to share this beautiful,
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pleasureful thing with someone else?
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Like knowing how to do it and how to give and receive and
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bring pleasure to your partner? That to me, that knowledge
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should be more valuable than lack of knowledge and
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experience. Think about it, in every other
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area of our life, we look for the person with the most
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knowledge, the most experienced, the most skilled at everything.
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Except for When it comes to sex. However, that's only hold it's
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true for women. Think about it.
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Young men are encouraged to go sow your seed, have a sex with
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as many women as possible so you're ready to settle down and
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be a husband. Go get experience then.
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You are a high value man. Women lack of experience makes
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you more valuable. Just like look at the
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ridiculousness of it. You can see it when you look at
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it that way. You can see it for exactly what
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it is, right? Oh my God, I love that.
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As you're saying, I'm like, duh, there's nothing in the world
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where it's like, oh, we like for you to know nothing unless they
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want to take advantage of you like a cult.
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Or control you OK. Well, thank you for that.
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I love when, like someone just shifts my perspective a little
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bit, like and it's stuff I believe, but I've never looked
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at it through that lens. You specialize in anything in
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sex and intimacy coaching. Do you have like, I focus mostly
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on kink. Do you have a specialty?
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A type of client you see more than others?
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So I have three areas where I like to focus.
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My first area is on queer identity for fems.
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I am myself, queer, bisexual, sexual, so I have retreats every
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year where women come and we are in community and we sort of help
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each other understand what it means to be queer and find our
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identity and community in that. But the other two areas, and
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this is where I see the most clients, are first of all in
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sexual assault survivors who are looking to reclaim their
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pleasure and their relationship with sex.
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I do a lot of work around that. A lot of survivors will
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experience numbness. Their body won't respond to
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intimacy, they have a hard time connecting with partners and
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they need to do some work around that.
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So I work on helping them heal and have amazing pleasure filled
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sex in their life again if that's what they want.
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And then I work with tons of couples who are struggling to
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have the sex life they want and struggling to communicate,
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oftentimes reignite their sexual life together and build out the
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one that they want. And that's where I think a lot
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of my work really thrives, is helping couples learn to
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communicate and create the sex life that they want with each
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other. Which is so rewarding, just
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getting to see a couple flourish and reconnect with each other
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and to be part of that journey, that's amazing.
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I know helping couples is extremely rewarding work.
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And that kind of brings us on to like, you're not just helping
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couples. Your Only Fans is geared
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towards, I guess anybody who wants to learn.
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How did you get set up on Only Fans?
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Because honestly, I don't have an Only Fans account.
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I have one to save my name. I'm not like making content
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there. What was the jump from intimacy
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coach and educator to educating on Only Fans?
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If you check out my podcast on YouTube under ad talk sex with
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an ad every week I launch sex and intimacy how to video.
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It's a very late how to find the G spot.
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How to, you know, give a Gionee massage.
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How did these things that everybody really wants to know
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and I go through how to here's step by step guide.
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It's really hard to do that and have them kept up or not get a
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strike and have my channel taken down.
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So what I wanted was a place where I could do those the way I
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wanted to and even do some demos.
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So over there I have a partner that I will demonstrate.
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I'm slowly putting up demonstrations where you can see
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me do some of the activities that I'm teaching on an actual
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vulva or vagina. You can see what I'm talking
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about. It's very much like a guide that
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you can use and take and bring into the bedroom with your
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partner. Now obviously I couldn't do that
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on YouTube, but the how To's I decided I would go more in depth
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over on Onlyfounds was the only place I knew where I could put
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them up and keep them up and a lot of people could get them if
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they so chose to. So that's how I ended up doing
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that and I've had a great time over there.
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It's like the real adult sex Ed that we've all been looking for
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or people actually want because sometimes I even will see or get
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a vibrator and I'm like how the fuck do you use this?
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Yeah, so I have one. It was so far one and then I
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have more toys I will be doing demos with.
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My favorite toy is the Blend by Womanizer.
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I have a lot of reviews on it over on my channel and I did
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have my friend help me demonstrate how to use it
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because I think it's one of the best toys for experiencing
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blended orgasms if you want. For me, I want 1 fast and hard.
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I'm like I keep it in my bathroom and one on my bedside
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just, you know, for quick use. If I'm in the mood, bam, I'll
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get my little quick fix in. I got to check it out.
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I am famously not a toy user, but I want to start using toys
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more. I don't know the older I get.
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It's like I used to use the rabbit back in the day.
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You remember the rabbit? Like in college I had one and
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then I sort of like dropped off using vibes at all.
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Any type of toy and I'm like in my.
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Earl pleasure air tech, pleasure air tech all the way.
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And the blend is sort of the new style dual stimulator and it
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gives you the pleasure air tech on your clit or the external
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vulva and the and you get that G spot rumble on the inside and
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you get, I mean, I'm talking like 2 minutes and you're going
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to have like, well, maybe not me.
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I'm not, I can't promise 2 minutes, but you won't want to
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take it out. Like I sometimes I'm like, I
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have my first orgasm and I'm like, I'm going to hang on to
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this and go for my second. And then you get your rolling
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orgasm. Toys have come a long way, but I
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think getting the right one and knowing the right brands is
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really important. Literally I am going to check it
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out because I'm on my journey of not time to introduce toys.
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Not a prude or anything like that.
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Quite obviously. I just, you know, got into my
10:49
rhythm with my fingers and I was like, I had it takes me 9
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minutes and I know how long it takes me.
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I don't watch porn. I am an anomaly.
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I think in the kink world of like I'm like, Oh no, I just use
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my fingers and I'm good. But I want to use more.
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I think that that's great though.
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I think that the first tool you should learn to use is your
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hand, because then you also learn about your body.
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And if you have sex with other women, you're going to be better
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with them. But I like toys because you get
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to experience all of these different sensations.
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There's so many different types of sensation you can have down
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there. And with toys, I can have
11:27
orgasms from different spots in my body.
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Obviously you've got external clitoral orgasm, then you've got
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your G spot orgasm, then you've got your A spot orgasm, then
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you've got blended orgasms and rolling orgasms.
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And these were things I didn't know about before.
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I didn't know how to access before and now I can have almost
11:45
all of. And there are anal orgasms too,
11:47
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12:28
Yes, that's a perfect segue. Like let's get into it.
12:32
So I was going through your website when you were gracious
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enough to invite me on your podcast.
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I was like, let let's see what might be of interest to discuss.
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And when I saw this article, it was about anal sex.
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And I was like, this is part of my current journey.
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I haven't had much anal sex in my life.
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And I was like, why not invite my listeners on my journey and
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have Annette to ask probably the questions that I've been asking
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and just haven't really known where to go.
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I mean, I do a lot of research, but I also get a lot of
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questions about anal sex on my Instagram.
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Every Monday, I do an ask me anything.
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And you'd be surprised at how many questions come up about
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anal. OK, yeah, I'm gonna start with
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cleanliness because this is a question I recently got of
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someone who said I love how honest they were.
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They were like, you know what I do?
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And 5050, sometimes I end up cleaner, sometimes I end up
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messier or 5050. It's going to be clean versus
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messy. And I thought, OK, well, anytime
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I've done in the past, I haven't douched in advance of it and
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it's always been fine. Fine ish.
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I guess. Do you recommend douching every
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time? I am going to tell you about my
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process. So first, if you are going to
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engage in anal play, you have to be prepared for the fact that
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there may be some poop. We're adults.
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Let's get real about it. First of all, getting in that
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mind frame is a important. Second, you can choose a couple
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of different things you could do.
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Some people if they are going to have anal sex or anal play the
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day before, they will have a high fiber diet.
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They say that helps with it being cleaner.
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I don't do any of that because like I'm not going to plan ahead
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that much for anal sex. If I'm going to go and have a
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sex test with someone, I assume kind of the butt that's going to
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come into it at some point, either by my invitation or by
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request. That just is part of my pretty
14:16
regular sock life, right? What I like to do is I go and I
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get those bleach bottles for enemas.
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I dump them out, dump them out, don't use what's in them, dump
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it out, wash it out. I fill it up with warm water and
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I insert it and I you only squirt it a little way.
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You're not going deep, folks, right?
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Whatever you're doing in an anal play, it's not go on all the way
14:39
up and you're just cleaning out that upper portion or I'm sorry,
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I would, I guess technically a little lower portion of your
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anal entry, right? You're going to like squirt them
14:53
up there. You're going to like sit down
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and let it come out and you may need to do it a couple of times
14:58
until the water runs clear and it will run clear.
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But again, you're not giving yourself this full deep enema.
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We're just cleaning out sort of that and I forget what they're
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and I'm sorry, I should have looked it up before this, but
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that just external portion where the poop that's about to come
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out would be. And that's, and I do that maybe
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an hour before really. And it's like if I'm going out
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to dinner, you know, an hour before we go out to dinner, we
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go and I almost never have any problem.
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I barely even have any kind of poop come out on anything.
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So that is what I do and I do it every time.
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Then I just feel emptier and sexier in general.
15:35
Now, not everybody has to do that again, oftentimes it won't
15:40
be problematic anyways. And certainly there are the
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times when you're with someone. And guys, if you're listening
15:46
right now, listen close. Don't do this.
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Don't do this. Don't just shove the finger in
15:50
there without asking ahead of time.
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That happens. Yeah.
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You know, and like doing the little tap with that at use your
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words. How do you feel about anal play?
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Not the little If you're down there eating me out, I think I'm
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going to have some really good oral sex.
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And the next thing I know, that finger is inching its way.
16:06
I know where you're heading. Yeah.
16:07
And I'm come on dude, let's have a conversation about this ahead
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of time, right? Oh, I'm a big conversation.
16:14
Absolutely. Because also if you are not
16:16
someone who wants it, that takes you out of the mood because
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you're saying, oh, I know where your finger's going, but someone
16:21
might be like, oh, no, Oh no, Oh no, their finger's going.
16:23
They're like stop. And without a conversation could
16:26
make this like a seamless journey of pleasure.
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You know, you need to learn how to ask in a sexy way.
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Ass is so hot. Are you OK if I play with it?
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How do you feel about that? And.
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Also, if you want a finger up your butt, don't be afraid to
16:38
ask for that either. I'll say stick your finger in my
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asshole. I will say it like that because
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I like direct aggressive sort of sex.
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That's a known fact. I'm really kinky.
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I'm not asking for it on a one night stand because I want to do
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it with someone. I feel comfortable enough that
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if there is poop I don't feel embarrassed.
16:54
And there are partners who I've had for a while like because is
16:57
it a little embarrassing? But with a trusted partner it's
16:59
not. It's like shit happens
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literally. So I will do it with someone who
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I've already spoken to about it but like I won't want it every
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time. It's like a novelty special
17:08
thing. 1st, it's a special occasion thing for me.
17:10
And usually, because everyone knows this, I have a punishment
17:12
and discipline fetish. Usually it's in relation to
17:15
something like that and I'll turn it into like kneading a
17:17
finger up my butt to be punished because I've been bad.
17:19
Oh yeah. So there's the full answer.
17:20
But like. How I and I like that I'm
17:24
putting that in my To Do List in my own personal life when I want
17:28
to punish someone. Yeah.
17:29
Oh, it's a major turn on. They might come on in like on
17:33
the instant. And sometimes that happens.
17:34
Me too. Oh, now I feel I'm in the hot
17:36
seat. Like I'm the interviewer and I'm
17:37
like, oh. So that's high.
17:39
That's high. Yeah, in the last couple of
17:42
months when I masturbate, like yes, I don't use vibrating
17:45
choice right now, but sometimes I'll put a bug plug in because I
17:48
like the added pressure. I have started doing that
17:50
because I do enjoy anal play. Obviously I'm looking for ways
17:54
to expand, but I rarely have had anal sex in my life so this is
17:58
all a little new to me. Right.
18:00
So definitely adding a plug when you're receiving vaginal sex can
18:06
intensify the pleasure you feel from the vaginal sex.
18:11
Right. And part of that is, I believe
18:13
the leg of the clitoris with you get more direct stimulation
18:17
because you're fuller on both sides of it.
18:20
It's hot. It feels good.
18:21
Yeah. And you can work up in size,
18:24
right. There are the anal training
18:27
beads. They call them beads that there
18:28
are plugs. There are different kinds you
18:30
can use. I personally love glass.
18:33
Yeah. I love the way nice cool glass
18:35
when it's like lubed up still slipping inside me.
18:39
However comment if you are nude anal play and you're nervous and
18:44
it feels like too tight or too painful.
18:47
Starting with some that are softer and silicone and squishy
18:51
and have more give and that are elongated right.
18:55
Don't go get the bulbous plugs. You want ones that are.
18:58
I wish I had one in front of me to show you hold.
19:01
On. I know, do you have some please?
19:05
OK, so I know you wished you had some, I just happened to have
19:08
some. That is fantastic.
19:10
Let's look what you have. I'm gonna I'm gonna judge your
19:13
plugs. OK, so I.
19:14
Like. This is a great segment.
19:16
These are my favorites and always have been, so I've used
19:20
these for years, just not as frequently as I do anymore.
19:23
This is the small one. Why do we both have the same set
19:27
of anal plugs? And I love them so much.
19:29
They're. Amazing.
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I love the weight on them like to your point, right, I like how
19:35
long this section is because then it feels like cozy and
19:38
comfy sometimes I'm loving this right now.
19:41
OK, sometimes and then here's the medium sized 1.
19:44
Going to be honest, the large one is currently drying on my
19:47
bathroom sinks, so I'm not bringing that out here.
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It is clean, but it's just drying again, the length here.
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Sometimes if it's uncomfortable, what actually needs to happen is
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I just need to push it in a little bit further.
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You can do that when you have this extra length.
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This is my go to these this. Training.
20:02
We have the same kit and I love them too.
20:05
I feel like the glass, when you Lube it up, really just slips in
20:10
easily too. And right when you're like, oh,
20:12
it's too tight and too uncomfortable, that's usually
20:15
when you get the little push and then it's inside and resting
20:20
right where you want it to. The weight is nice.
20:23
It feels really good inside. Now again, there are ones that
20:26
we're showing on this episode are cylindrical, right?
20:28
There are some that are, I believe, silicone definitely.
20:32
Is that right? Silicone.
20:34
Right. I don't like those because I do
20:36
think they retain smell a little bit, yeah.
20:38
I don't use them. I would say that would be a
20:41
short term. Maybe they feel more comfortable
20:44
for some people who are intimidated by glass and the
20:48
rigidity of the glass. But I prefer the glass.
20:51
OK I do too and I'm not as much a fan of these but for people
20:55
who get fearful of them slipping inside, which in my early days
20:59
as a Kingster definitely haven't.
21:00
I love how like I'm not that into anal and then I'm like, let
21:02
me bring out all these plugs and talk about all of my experience
21:05
using plugs in my past. It's definitely that kink thing
21:08
of like the kinkier you get, the more normalized everything
21:10
becomes And you're like, oh, I actually forget how into anal I
21:13
am. OK, I like these.
21:14
If I'm nervous for any reason that it could slip inside
21:16
sometimes I'm just a little more anxious than usual.
21:19
So again, glass, but that bulb is stuff we were talking about.
21:22
Not as much a fan, but it does have the long thing.
21:25
And then my last call out and then I swear this that you've
21:28
heard my entire history. I do like the silicone ones
21:30
because I like a vibration vibrating butt plug during one
21:33
of my favorite sex positions. Is 69 A with a vibrating?
21:37
Are we the same person? The ankle hanged it and I'm just
21:42
like Oh my God. And I don't care if I'm with a
21:45
penis owner or a vulva owner. I'm like fucking let's for me
21:50
it's the mouth to genital connection.
21:53
It's like this full circle and I connect to pleasure with this
21:57
happening to my vulva with my mouth for some reason.
22:02
You're In Sync with the connection.
22:04
So I am pretty straight based for the purpose of this
22:07
conversation. Even when it's with a penis
22:10
owner, it's still like there's a symbiosis of something of it's
22:13
like you're matching each other's energy or trying to, and
22:15
that's how it works and that's part of the turn on.
22:18
God, I love that. Yeah, I love that position.
22:20
And people are like, oh, I get too distracted doing my thing.
22:22
Well, don't be distracted. Be like embodied.
22:25
Have the cock in your mouth, have the mouth on your pussy and
22:29
be embodied and be just like in it, like in the sensation and
22:33
moving with it. That if you can get there with
22:35
that position, then you are like fine, yeah, that is a great time
22:39
with consent to slip a finger in the ass.
22:42
Then it's like bang going over the edge.
22:45
You're firing on all cylinders at that point.
22:47
And it is. I'm so glad to find someone else
22:49
who agrees. It's a wonderful position.
22:51
So many people shit on it now online they're like, oh, 69's
22:55
overrated. It's like, I assure you, it is
22:57
not it. Is not it is under Raiden.
23:00
I recently had it with a vulva owner and it was fantastic.
23:03
I was like it. OK, now we've talked like anal
23:06
training kits. Obviously I've worked my way up
23:09
and I do enjoy my glass butt plugs.
23:12
What's the leap? Or do you even need to do anal
23:15
training before you have anal sex?
23:16
I mean, I think if you have a lot of fear around it, then
23:21
experiencing an anal penetration on your own before you're with a
23:25
partner is a great idea. You want to know how your own
23:27
body works. I always say your best lover
23:31
should be you. Your best lover should be you.
23:33
You should know your body, you should know what you like.
23:36
You should be experimenting with yourself all of the time.
23:41
And if you want to do something with someone else for do it with
23:44
yourself. Almost everything you can
23:47
practice impact play on your own body and see what it feels like
23:50
ahead of time. You can just so many things with
23:53
yourself, but definitely with anal play.
23:55
I would just start with like putting something in and
23:58
masturbating and seeing what it feels like when you have
24:01
something in your ass. And then you know what it's like
24:03
when you take the plug out, which is maybe my least favorite
24:06
part. I don't know why I have to.
24:08
I don't love taking. Yeah, that is my least favorite
24:12
part of the whole thing. I run to the bathroom to do it.
24:15
I sit over the toilet and I just like grab so it doesn't like
24:18
break. I like the way you arch your
24:20
back. You've got some practice.
24:21
You're like, just grab it. Then I feel like I do it in
24:25
privacy. You know, you absolutely have
24:27
the autonomy to say, hey, I'm going to go take this out
24:30
myself. No one else needs to touch it.
24:31
And you might want to just have that talk ahead of time.
24:34
I've definitely had a person go to grab it after.
24:36
I'm like do not, do not, no, don't you dare help my job and I
24:43
will do it where I want to. Like you can push things in
24:46
there. Only one of us handles it coming
24:48
out. Maybe, like maybe that's the.
24:50
Conversation So do you have to anal train?
24:53
People say yes, it stretches out, but it goes right back.
24:56
I think it's more about experiencing it, learning how to
24:59
open yourself up because you have to do that right.
25:02
You've got to allow your body and tell your body and tell your
25:05
anus to open up. It's like you chill out babe,
25:08
this is going to be OK. And so there's some practice
25:11
that goes with having that conversation with your own body.
25:13
Yeah. So then when you're with
25:14
somebody, you can relax and let them enter you.
25:18
And I think having anal sex with someone else, meaning someone
25:22
else entering you, whether it's with a penis or they're pegging
25:24
you, it's a conversation. And it's really important that
25:28
the first, however many times years that you're in control of
25:33
that. The speed you tell them, the
25:35
speed you tell them, the timing. A lot of Lube folks, a lot of
25:40
Lube and you're going to want to use that at least a hybrid Lube.
25:45
You're not just going to be using your water based Lube.
25:47
You want something thick, something that's going to last
25:50
and you want a lot of it. You're going to just tore it
25:52
right on the ass, right? I would suggest start with a
25:56
finger first to open you up before a cock goes in and get
26:00
relaxed. Get into it.
26:00
I don't ever let someone enter my ass unless I'm already warmed
26:05
up, meaning my pussy's been played with.
26:07
I'm wet. I'm like fully lit up and
26:10
excited and turned on. Oftentimes I'll do, you know,
26:13
play with my own clit or have a pleasure attack on my clit while
26:17
they're either putting a plug into me or starting to enter me.
26:21
Then it feels really good because also your anus that
26:25
those nerves are going to be tingling and like, oh, you know,
26:27
the whole area down there is usually engorged with blood.
26:31
So you're extra sensitive even in the perineum and anal area.
26:37
I was going to the worst thing to hear when you're not relaxed
26:39
is relaxed because I'm like, how am I supposed to relax right
26:42
now? Playing with your clit.
26:43
Great way to relax. Absolutely get turned on.
26:46
It's not relaxed, it's get turned on.
26:49
When I'm the person giving anal pleasure.
26:52
I like to like twist for things like open up for me.
26:55
Oh my God, that's no hot. Yeah, You're asking someone to
26:58
open their body up for you. Like, let me in.
27:01
And that way it's not, you're not pressuring like, relax,
27:05
Nobody relaxes when you say that.
27:06
But when you're saying open up for me, you know, it's hot.
27:10
And then it's hot when their body does it because then
27:12
they're like, they want to do this thing for you.
27:14
They have an open up for you. Oh.
27:16
Especially if you're like, in a good way, a people pleaser.
27:19
Like I'm a submissive, I'm a service sub I enjoy doing.
27:22
That would really work for me. And then when the body opens up
27:25
and you get a slap of finger in, it's good girl or good boy,
27:28
right? You know, or that's so good, you
27:31
feel so fucking good. Now I can go deeper, you know,
27:34
all that kind of thing. Like turn it into like this hot
27:37
experience. Whenever somebody lets you
27:40
inside one of their erotic areas inside their body, know that
27:46
you're lucky to be there, whether it's a vagina or an ass
27:50
or in a mouth. Like that is like granting you
27:53
access to like their vulnerable space, and so you treat it like
27:58
that. Literally you are verbalizing
28:01
things that like I wouldn't even think to say out like, well,
28:04
like even just small things of breaking it down piece by piece.
28:08
So I appreciate it so much because even if I naturally
28:11
would do it, like even if I naturally would go touch my clip
28:14
to like really embody the pleasure, these aren't things I
28:17
even think to verbalize or talk someone else through, you know?
28:19
So this is really helpful even just.
28:22
Some of the tips too. Get some gloves, like your
28:25
medical grade gloves and Lube. So if you're a cleanliness, you
28:30
just take them off. If you're doing finger play or
28:32
starting to enter someone with your finger, there are also
28:35
finger condoms that you can put on there.
28:36
Just these little condoms you can roll right up over your
28:39
finger, Lube it up. Yeah, and stick it in, Right.
28:43
But that is something to think about, like if you're nervous
28:45
about dirtiness or, you know, we've been talking about as the
28:48
receiver. But what if you're the person
28:49
who's gotten the request for anal play and you're like, oh,
28:53
you want me to put my finger? You want me to play with your
28:55
ass? Go get some gloves, the
28:57
disposable medical gloves, nice tight fit so you can feel what's
29:01
going on. Cover them with Lube, Cover your
29:04
partner with Lube and start playing and see what worked.
29:06
The other thing that's nice about that is that you can
29:09
change them and go from like the ass to the vagina.
29:12
We had to talk about this. You do not stick a finger, a toy
29:16
or a Dick or whatever that's been in an ass back into a
29:21
vagina or you're going to give that.
29:23
Poor. Vulva owner, a case of yeast
29:26
infection or BV. You don't enter bacteria that
29:30
way, so that's another reason why you're going to want to put
29:33
a condom on. Or you're a finger condom on, or
29:36
a condom over a toy. You can pull it right off and
29:39
you're good to go. Put another one on.
29:41
Use the vagina to go back into the vagina.
29:43
Just make sure you're not dragging stuff around down
29:45
there. Yes, thank you for that because
29:49
that will save someone from a terrible case of BV and just in
29:53
general, cleanliness matters in that respect.
29:55
So yes, keep the area clean. I also love the glove thing.
29:58
I remember when I was in college again, I'm like, oh, I don't do
30:00
anal OK, but when I was in. College.
30:02
But that one time in college, we all had.
30:04
The one time in college, well, I had a boyfriend.
30:07
And he didn't want to put his finger in my butt.
30:09
So I found this toy that was literally just like a ring that
30:12
he could put on, but it had like a cone shaped silicone thing.
30:15
And so he could use that to stick inside of me and it gave
30:18
that pleasure. And I think that's like a good
30:19
entryway thing if we're, if you're talking basic 101, like a
30:25
toy, like could be helpful too, for someone to just even like be
30:28
the giver because you're right. I don't want to shame someone
30:30
who's uncomfortable with giving. You know, there are little
30:32
entryways to it. And I've been there.
30:35
I mean, I remember the first time I pegged someone, I was a
30:37
little bit like, Oh no, what's going to happen?
30:39
So you're going to be poop all over this when I take it out.
30:41
And sometimes there was, you know, and you just sort of like
30:44
you roll with it, but it's rare to your point.
30:46
I'm just going to give you my top tips here, right?
30:48
Obviously you can have your condoms have some page balance
30:52
wipes right there. If you pull something out and
30:55
just want to wrap it in a wipe, set it to the side, have a towel
30:58
underneath you or a blanket that you can pull right off your bed
31:01
after any anal plate. So you don't even have to see if
31:04
there's a mess, right? Lights are low.
31:05
Maybe there's but you don't know you get done if you get up to go
31:08
to the bathroom, if you pull that sheet off, throw it in The
31:11
Dirty clothes. Nobody has to see or know
31:13
anything, right? Always have maybe a little
31:15
towel. I love to have warm towels or
31:18
just towels right next to me so that after sex, regardless of
31:21
whatever kind of sex I'm having with somebody, I can always give
31:25
them just that kind of pressure over them.
31:27
And they're like whether it's full of their ass, whatever it
31:30
is, so they can feel covered and they can feel warm and they can
31:35
wipe away Lube or whatever they want to right there.
31:37
It's a little bit of aftercare, right?
31:39
Men specifically, I want to talk to you for a minute.
31:42
I know that a lot of you are really curious about women's
31:45
assholes. You want to get there fast and
31:47
meet a girl. You know you're going to have
31:49
sex with her and you're like thinking about her asshole right
31:51
off the bat. Get to know the vagina before
31:53
you go for the asshole. Just I mean, you can bring up
31:55
the fact that, you know, when you're talking about your legs
31:58
and just I like I, yeah, I like anal sex or whatever it is.
32:01
But a lot of women complain about and have experienced, you
32:04
know, first time with a guy and he's like right off the bat,
32:06
hey, how do you feel about butt sex?
32:08
You know, and she's kind of like, well, can we see how it
32:11
goes with vagina first? Yes, they called that discussion
32:14
and give a little reverence to our vaginas first, right?
32:18
It can be jarring when a guy, we haven't even gotten to sex.
32:22
It's the first time we've been together and you're already
32:24
sticking your finger in, asked before you know, or asking or
32:28
hinting at it. And I'm like, hey, can you first
32:30
learn how to learn my stuff first?
32:33
I also think there's like, I don't want to be too prude, but
32:37
I do think there's a progression to your point of like, OK, it is
32:40
starting there, you know, and getting comfortable there and
32:42
really learning each other before moving on to something
32:44
that I think is less commonly explored and a little newer.
32:48
Do you remember that episode of Sex and the City like from 25
32:51
years ago where everything stopped because Charlotte was
32:54
asked to have anal sex? We're not far beyond that in
32:57
right time and even conversation.
33:00
Like I don't know which of my friends have or have not had
33:02
anal sex. I've talked about sex, but not
33:05
anal. All of my friends have
33:06
definitely had anal. Yeah, me and my friends,
33:10
obviously, we talk about sex all the time.
33:12
And I know that some of them don't enjoy it often.
33:15
They're like, I'll do it every once in a while.
33:17
I love with the right partner. Anal sex, anal play.
33:22
I love performing it on other people, especially if I'm in
33:26
more of a Dalam role. It's like super hot for me.
33:28
It's not a must. If I have a partner that was
33:31
like, I'm never going to do that.
33:32
I have had partners. It wouldn't.
33:34
I mean, there are plenty of other things to do.
33:36
Yeah. And, and look, you can find
33:38
partners just for anal play if that's something you really want
33:41
to do. But we're talking in terms of a
33:43
relationship here. We're starting to have sex with
33:45
someone who is going to become a long term partner.
33:48
Who knows, if you have the talk up front and you're both like,
33:52
yeah, I fucking love anal sex, stick it in me right now, great.
33:55
But if you're in sort of a more traditional relationship where
33:58
you just met and you're learning each other's sexuality, it can
34:01
be a real turn off to a woman, even one who enjoys.
34:05
But play, if you haven't had the conversation, you haven't gone
34:08
down and like learned how to give me oral pleasure or how to
34:12
finger me properly. People are bad at fingering, and
34:15
fingering is like an art form. I think it's an art form, one
34:19
that I love to perform. If you haven't even learned
34:22
that, but you're trying to stick your finger in my ass, that's
34:25
irritating. Also, once a finger goes in my
34:28
ass and I start to be and it always happens, they start to
34:31
trail it back to the front. I'm like, and it sucks to be
34:34
nervous that that's going to happen because we haven't had
34:36
the conversation. If we have the conversation, I'm
34:39
going to be like, I'm totally into that.
34:40
Just remember, once something goes in the back door, it's not
34:44
going back to my vagina until it's been washed.
34:47
I will have that conversation every time.
34:48
And also like, it's OK, just go wash your hands then and then
34:52
come back. Like if you want your seat to
34:53
progress in a different direction, that's all you need
34:55
to go do. But like have that conversation.
34:57
Oh, your faces can be so scolding looking.
35:00
I love it because I love that I'm like, make that face to me.
35:03
Again, if you were playing with someone who has a prostate,
35:06
right, and milking the prostate, that is something that I learned
35:10
to do. Not many people have asked me
35:12
for it in like recent years. When I try and explain it to
35:15
people I don't even know. Again, one of those things where
35:17
I don't put words to it. I'm just like, personally, my
35:20
approach has always been I sort of rub it the same way I rub my
35:22
clit and I've always gotten really good reviews on that.
35:25
But what would you say to someone who is dating someone to
35:29
a prostate who wants a prostate massage?
35:31
What would your advice be for them?
35:32
To the person who's finding out that their partner wants the.
35:35
Prostate, yes. So first of all, the prostate is
35:39
likened to the woman's clit. It's or G spot.
35:43
Some people will say G spot, some people say clitoris.
35:45
It can bring so much pleasure to your partner and so many men
35:50
feel so shame around anal penetration and they miss out
35:54
the pleasure that they could experience.
35:56
So you might at first be like, Oh my God, you want me in your
35:59
ass. I get it.
36:00
A society has told you that, you know, take a beat.
36:03
Say I hear you. I'm going to go do some
36:05
research. I just want to know more about
36:07
what you're asking about. Do not shame your partner
36:10
because in that moment, if they're going to be vulnerable
36:12
enough to ask you, you shaming them, shutting down or freaking
36:16
out can do a whole lot of bad damage to your sexual connection
36:21
and future of your sexual communication.
36:23
Like it can really put a damper on your sex life.
36:26
So if it freaks you out, just take a beat and say, oh, I
36:29
haven't, but I'm not familiar with it.
36:31
I'd love to know more. I'd like to have time to kind of
36:34
research it and then go and do some research.
36:36
Find out about the prostate, find out about how milking
36:40
happens. If it's a hard no for you, it's
36:42
a hard no and you're going to have to have that conversation.
36:45
Even if you're feeling a hard no, allow yourself to get
36:48
curious. Like, why is it a hard no?
36:50
Why am I so, so freaked out by it?
36:53
There are ways you could ask. I'd like you to do an enema
36:57
ahead of time. I'm kind of like, this is new to
36:59
me. If we're going to do this, would
37:00
you mind doing an enema ahead of time?
37:03
Can we start small before? Like mulking is like that?
37:06
It's a skill set. So can we just start with a
37:08
finger? Can I just see how that feels?
37:10
Or start with a toy you know. Start small.
37:12
And I mean the glove option that you mentioned earlier.
37:15
If you are uncomfortable, gloves are your friend.
37:17
And I would say maybe use a glove glove anyway.
37:20
Then you don't have to worry about scraping or scratching or
37:24
catching them inside and tearing them.
37:27
It takes some of the stress away.
37:28
I think it also feels probably better than your actual finger
37:32
eye. I've been told Use some of the
37:35
tips. I said prep for it, right?
37:37
Prep for it. Have a blanket or a towel laid
37:40
out under them. Turn the lights down low if you
37:43
want it to be candlelit. If you're kind of freaked out by
37:45
the idea at first, right? So you're not seeing in detail
37:49
if there happens to be any mess, have wipes next to you.
37:53
You could even get a warm wet washcloth or disposable cloth
37:56
that's wet next to you so as you take some of your hand out, you
38:00
can wipe it off and just throw it away and not even see it.
38:03
Whatever you need to do to kind of get used to it.
38:06
Set yourself up for success, but don't yuck someone's Yum.
38:10
Who is your partner, who's somebody you love?
38:12
Even if it's something you decide to not move forward with,
38:16
don't do that because that will hurt other areas of your sex
38:19
life. Maybe you're going to want them
38:20
to do something to you. How would you feel if you were
38:23
like, I really want you to go down on me and they're like, I
38:24
do not want to put my mouth on a genital.
38:27
That's I can freak some people out, right?
38:29
Yeah. And also if you're ring, you're
38:31
not being expected to be an expert in it.
38:33
No one needs to be some like pro at what they're doing.
38:37
It's a learning curve. You can even ask them to start
38:40
by showing you what they do. You know, like how do you do
38:44
your own anal penetration? Can you show me what feels good?
38:47
Can we start with a toy? Yeah.
38:49
And that just also gets you more familiar with like, the whole
38:52
process of like, this is what it's going to be like.
38:54
I think we've exhausted every anal thing I've ever done in my
38:56
life or had done to me. And that thank you so much.
39:00
We've gone through a ton of things.
39:02
I am so glad you joined today. I love that we did this exchange
39:06
and I think it was the perfect episode for King Tober.
39:09
Definitely. I think anal play is a great
39:11
kind of soft, kinky thing to step into and a lot of people
39:14
avoid it, but they're curious about it.
39:17
This is not just only men enjoy it because they have prostate.
39:20
I'm telling you, ladies, the first time you experienced
39:23
especially double penetration, I'm a big fan.
39:26
You've got penetration in your ass.
39:28
You got penetration in your vagina.
39:30
The added press amazing. It really intensifies things in
39:34
one of the best ways. Oh, I love that we've like went
39:37
in depth about this because I do think a lot of people will
39:39
hopefully discover that they enjoyed a lot from the stuff
39:42
we've talked about today. Absolutely.
39:44
All right, so you can hire Annette for sex and intimacy
39:47
coaching. Check out her how TOS on
39:49
Onlyfans and then also check out her website.
39:52
As I said, like that article on AL sex is what was like.
39:55
Oh my God, we need to have a podcast episode together on it.
39:59
You have so many great resources there.
40:01
So talk sex with annette.com. I highly encourage everyone to
40:04
go check it out. And you can check out Annette's
40:07
podcast on YouTube. You can find me with my handle
40:10
at Talk Sex with Annette on YouTube and I've got tons of
40:14
videos over there about anal sex and butt stuff so.
40:17
Perfect. All right.
40:18
Thank you so much and I'd really appreciate it.
40:21
And I'm wishing you and everybody else a very happy King
40:23
Tober. If you enjoyed this episode,
40:27
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with
40:30
anyone who might find it interesting.
40:32
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
40:34
future episodes, feel free to reach out. e-mail
40:37
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
40:41
on.