Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 270. His depression, my exhaustion and a love that's still here: How do I support him without running dry?

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270. His depression, my exhaustion and a love that's still here: How do I support him without running dry? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apolgie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice. Are you okay?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: What happened?
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to our Bestie segment. If you're
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  Speaker 1: new here. This is a completely anonymous submission. We have
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  Speaker 1: no idea who's written in, but we're going to give
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  Speaker 1: it our honest, raw best advice, just as we would
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  Speaker 1: each other. So what have we got today, Deanna?
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  Speaker 2: This episode name is his depression, my exhaustion, and I
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  Speaker 2: love that's still here. How do I support him without
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  Speaker 2: running dry? My husband is so depressed. I support him
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  Speaker 2: fully and we are committed to each other, but it
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  Speaker 2: is so draining, Ashy, you have said for years that
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  Speaker 2: you can't pull from an empty cup. How can I
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  Speaker 2: fill my cup while still being a supportive partner?
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  Speaker 1: Ah, you know what, I'm kind of swallowing my own
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  Speaker 1: words with you can't pull from an empty cup because
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  Speaker 1: people do. Mums do every single damn day time, all
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  Speaker 1: the time, pouring from an empty cup, but you're not
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  Speaker 1: doing it in the best way that you'd like to,
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  Speaker 1: and resentment can build and it doesn't feel good. And
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  Speaker 1: you end up burnt out, which then can cause a
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  Speaker 1: lot of health issues. But the question back to you
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  Speaker 1: would be what does light you up? What do you enjoy?
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  Speaker 1: How do you feel your cup up? What I do
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  Speaker 1: is going to be completely different to you, But for me,
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  Speaker 1: it's exercise, it's surrounding myself with really good people. It's
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  Speaker 1: nourishing my body, like doubling down on my health. It's
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  Speaker 1: things like sauna or red light, sunshine, things that ground me,
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  Speaker 1: feet in the sand, feet on the grass, time out quiet.
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  Speaker 1: They'd be my like going back to the actual basic
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  Speaker 1: foundational things that we forget are actually the most important.
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, good girlfriends, I think really fills my cup
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  Speaker 1: up because I get really playful and fun and like silly,
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  Speaker 1: and then I bring the energy back and I can
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  Speaker 1: overflow that to my partner and my kids. And if
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  Speaker 1: I don't do any of that, then I feel like
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  Speaker 1: you just meet your partner in his lower depressive state.
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  Speaker 1: And I would also be getting some support for him,
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  Speaker 1: because you can't be lover, soulmate, coach, best friend, wife,
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  Speaker 1: all the things all the damn time. It's a lot
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  Speaker 1: of pressure for you, and not that I think he
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  Speaker 1: would expect that of you. But if he's not choosing
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  Speaker 1: to get outside support, then it kind of is falling
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  Speaker 1: on you and your relationship. So I would be encouraging
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  Speaker 1: and really trying to find a space that he can
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  Speaker 1: go and have support. And Steve did this when he
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  Speaker 1: was giving up alcohol. He found a men's group that
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  Speaker 1: he would go to a couple times a week and
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  Speaker 1: they'd train and do breath work, and he also had
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  Speaker 1: an online coach. And I was still there for him
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  Speaker 1: every step of the way. But also I couldn't do
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  Speaker 1: it all, and you can't be expected to do it all. Yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I love that. I think that's beautiful. When you're holding
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  Speaker 1: your own stuff, it can be sometimes challenging to hold others,
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  Speaker 1: especially because you love them so much and you want
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  Speaker 1: for them to be good, you know. Yeah, I think
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  Speaker 1: something that we do. You touched on this as well
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  Speaker 1: about having good girlfriends. We know, when there's somebody in
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  Speaker 1: our life who is being challenged, is struggling or something
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  Speaker 1: like that, lean towards each other to like get emotional
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  Speaker 1: support and like lean on each other, and then that way,
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  Speaker 1: like we're able to be stronger for the other person.
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  Speaker 1: So like really leaning on community, if you have any like,
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  Speaker 1: I think that's a really powerful thing. And if you
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  Speaker 1: don't have that, that's also okay too. But like what
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  Speaker 1: actually said, you can manufacture that community is like getting
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  Speaker 1: the support that you need. And I'm sure you've had
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  Speaker 1: probably many conversations with him already about where he's at.
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  Speaker 1: But curiosity goes a long way. Yeah, And I think
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  Speaker 1: with men, from my experience and just conditioning and all
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  Speaker 1: that sort of stuff, is that men aren't really taught
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  Speaker 1: how to communicate their feelings. And I think men, even
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  Speaker 1: more so than women, feel even more unsafe to communicate
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  Speaker 1: what's actually going on for them. And so I think
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  Speaker 1: that's why there's a higher suicide rate and why men
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  Speaker 1: are struggling so much more because they don't have people
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  Speaker 1: to turn to very often. And so yes, you can
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  Speaker 1: be that for him, but also have outside support. But
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  Speaker 1: that curiosity of just.
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  Speaker 2: Going like you can lay it bare and like lay
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  Speaker 2: it out and you can bring it in and I
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  Speaker 2: will hold you in it and just be like a
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  Speaker 2: safe soundboard for him in whatever it is it's actually
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  Speaker 2: coming up for him that's making him feel so depressed.
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  Speaker 2: And I think, I mean in my own experience and
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  Speaker 2: just with coaching and stuff like that. It's really easy
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  Speaker 2: to say, like, somebody is so depressed, and again it's
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  Speaker 2: the labels, Like we've got to be so mindful of
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  Speaker 2: the labels that we use. And maybe that is true,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm not discrediting his experience or anything like that,
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  Speaker 2: but when you identify with somebody who is depressed, you
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  Speaker 2: will not get out of bed, you will not do
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  Speaker 2: things that are important to you. You will not go
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  Speaker 2: to the gym, because a person who is depressed doesn't
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  Speaker 2: do that. So it's got to be really mindful of
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  Speaker 2: the way that you speak about what he's going through
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  Speaker 2: around him as well. And I don't think that you
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  Speaker 2: would go to him and be like, oh my gosh,
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  Speaker 2: you're so depressed, Like I know that you would be
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  Speaker 2: doing that. But if you can approach this very gently,
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  Speaker 2: I think that would be really supportive of him and
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  Speaker 2: encouraging him as well as encouraging yourself to do things
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  Speaker 2: that are important to you, because he'd probably be feeling
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  Speaker 2: the same way, like when you are in a more
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  Speaker 2: depressive state where you are struggling to get out of
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  Speaker 2: bed in the mornings and everything feels really heavy and
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  Speaker 2: you're kind of just in this grind season where you'd
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  Speaker 2: literally trying to survive, you're not really doing anything for yourself.
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  Speaker 2: It's the first thing that goes it's like, you don't
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  Speaker 2: do those things anymore. So can it be something that
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  Speaker 2: you invite in together where you're starting to bring things
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  Speaker 2: in that are a little bit more playful, a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more fun, little bit more lightheartedness. You know, life
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  Speaker 2: is so serious all the time, and I think we
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  Speaker 2: crave as humans to just be able to play like freely,
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  Speaker 2: you know, And I know that that's you know, take
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  Speaker 2: that with a grain of salt, but I just think, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you being supportive whilst also pouring into your own cup
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  Speaker 2: and whatever way that looks like friendships, hobbies, if you
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  Speaker 2: can have an hour to yourself, you could put your
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  Speaker 2: feet in the sand. That's what I do. Music if
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  Speaker 2: it's like playing music in the household at night, so
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  Speaker 2: you're changing the environment of the house while you're both
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  Speaker 2: in the room. For me, like listening to meditations. I
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  Speaker 2: know in the past I've had partners who were so
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  Speaker 2: off like the wou woo side of things, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: very spiritual and I'd be like, I'm going to play
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  Speaker 2: meditation at night and then like a couple weeks later,
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  Speaker 2: he'd be like, can you play that meditation for me?
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  Speaker 2: You know, But it's just it's the little things that
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  Speaker 2: I think increase our overall mood and how we feel
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  Speaker 2: day to day. I know that that's like that for me.
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  Speaker 2: Whenever I have previously been in a more depressive state,
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything
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  Speaker 2: that actually gives to me taking away from me, like
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  Speaker 2: scrolling and staying up late and not getting enough sleep.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, obviously sometimes like we can't help it
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  Speaker 2: because we're going through shit. It feels so challenging. But
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  Speaker 2: those little micro things that you can stay consistent with
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  Speaker 2: in terms of routine and thinking of things that will
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  Speaker 2: give to you instead of takeaway, will help over time
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  Speaker 2: bring both you and your husband back up or your
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  Speaker 2: partner back up.
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  Speaker 1: And it's really about getting to the bottom of what's
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  Speaker 1: actually going on for him. Is this past things that
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  Speaker 1: he's really sitting in and not being able to move
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  Speaker 1: through trauma, experience his grief or is he lacking feeling alive?
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  Speaker 1: Does he not have purpose, He's not enjoying his job?
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  Speaker 1: Does he feel like a failure? Does he not have
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  Speaker 1: anything to look forward to. It it's just the same
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  Speaker 1: grind he's been doing for the last twenty years, and
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  Speaker 1: he's fucking over it. It's like I would be getting
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  Speaker 1: really clear on what's actually going on for him, because
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  Speaker 1: then I think you could have little micro pathways of
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  Speaker 1: how to improve and lift his state, just having little
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  Speaker 1: things look forward to, finding micro moments of joy together
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  Speaker 1: and connection, getting him out of nature more, trying to
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  Speaker 1: put him environments with other people that lift his spirits
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  Speaker 1: a little bit, even just like what you're consuming music
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  Speaker 1: by podcasts of other men that have been through what
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  Speaker 1: he's been through and coming out the other side where
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  Speaker 1: you can feel maybe somewhat inspired to be able to
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  Speaker 1: take some steps again. There's so many things that you
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  Speaker 1: can do and explore together.
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  Speaker 2: I love that you mentioned that as well. I think
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  Speaker 2: other men who have been through what he's been through
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  Speaker 2: you also following your path can also inspire him definitely.
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  Speaker 2: Like whilst it doesn't take away what he's feeling, I
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  Speaker 2: think who you surround yourself with whilst you're going through
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  Speaker 2: the shit and you're in the trenches also is really important.
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  Speaker 2: So you as well, pouring into yourself is going to
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  Speaker 2: leak onto him and like hopefully support him to go.
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  Speaker 2: I want that for myself too, you know what I
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  Speaker 2: want the way that she feels. She looks so happy
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  Speaker 2: in this moment because she's following her path and you know,
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  Speaker 2: this little thing lit her up. I want that for
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  Speaker 2: myself too. I think we underestimate how like the people
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  Speaker 2: we surround ourselves with and how much of a positive
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  Speaker 2: influence they can have on us when we're really going
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  Speaker 2: through it.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely, Yeah, and once again we always talk about communication,
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  Speaker 1: just like getting really curious and digging for him, because
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  Speaker 1: also what lights me up and what fills my cup
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  Speaker 1: up isn't what feels Steve's cover up. Like he's not
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  Speaker 1: very social. He's more introverted. Yeah, goes in with doesn't
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  Speaker 1: like to open up to people or as I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: oh my god, down to let me tell you every
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  Speaker 1: single detail. So I'm feeling for the three thousand time,
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  Speaker 1: but men can be quite different. But like digging and
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  Speaker 1: getting to know what that is for him and how
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  Speaker 1: that feels for him, I would be getting a lot
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  Speaker 1: more curious. But also, yeah, focusing on yourself because then
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  Speaker 1: you do have something to overpour as if you're not
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  Speaker 1: doing anything to take care of yourself. You are trying
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  Speaker 1: to pour from a dry cup and you're both going
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  Speaker 1: to be in a super low state. It's not productive.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. It's like you know and like say
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: you go with your best friend or you go with
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: a friend or something like that, and you're just like
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: you're like, I'm sorry, I've got nothing to give because.
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  Speaker 1: I've done that with you.
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  Speaker 2: We always do it, Brian, well, either one of us
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: we're feeling a certain kind of way, we're like, I'm sorry, baby,
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  Speaker 2: like I just don't have any to give today, and
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: then we leave laughing.
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  Speaker 1: But like we look good now.
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  Speaker 2: How infectious good energy is. And you cannot be that
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  Speaker 2: to support him if you're not doing that for yourself exactly.
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  Speaker 2: You also need someone who's going to be able to
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  Speaker 2: support you in what you're navigating and holding. So takes
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  Speaker 2: a village, it does. Yeah, if you can community lean
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  Speaker 2: on them, if you've got people in your life, siblings, family,
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  Speaker 2: chosen family, co workers, whoever it is that you can
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  Speaker 2: lean on, lean on them, if you're feeling like you
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  Speaker 2: don't have anyone you can do that with, it's like
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: getting that outside support.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Definitely, I really hope that a couple of things have
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: said today that you can try. I've suggestive that you
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: can try and implement and just get more curious and
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: take care of yourself as well as why you're taking
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  Speaker 1: care of him.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, sending you so much love for good laugh you've got.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: This, Sending what's of love. We'll see you guys on Friday. Bye,