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Your Divorce Communication Superpower – Nervous System Regulation · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: All about your divorce communication superpower, nervous system regulation.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever walked away from a conversation with your ex thinking, well, that went downhill pretty fast, or found yourself blurting out something you wish you could pull back in, or the opposite of that, unable to respond to something that they've said to you, or if you're at the very beginning and you're dreading opening the conversation about separation, you're not alone, and this week's episode is for you.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: How to tap into your divorce communication superpower, a regulated nervous system.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is the second most stressful life event and has a unique way of putting us, our nervous system, on high alert.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The stakes feel huge, emotions are raw and big, and every conversation, every word can feel really loaded.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: when your nervous system is dysregulated, it's almost impossible, in fact, it is impossible to communicate clearly, calmly, or in a way that is in service to you and your long-term goals.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it is physiologically impossible to access the calm, rational, logical part of your brain when you're dysregulated, when you're in fight, flight, freeze fawn, where you're in what's called amygdala hijack, where the limbic system, that reptilian part of your brain, takes over, making it actually impossible for you to think logically, rationally, or make considered decisions.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when you can regulate your nervous system, and I mean do that in the moment, that becomes your secret weapon.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: That becomes your divorce communication superpower.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to unpack what nervous system regulation actually is, why it matters so much in divorce or any kind of high-stakes interaction, communication, and give you some simple, actionable tools or practices that you can use to bring yourself back to calm, even in the middle of a really high stress conversation.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: So your nervous system is really like your body's personal alarm system.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's always scanning for signs of danger, physical danger, yes, but also that emotional or relational danger that we can feel we're in when we're navigating separation, divorce, and all the things that come with that, right?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when our nervous system detects a threat, whether that is in the form of an activating email from your ex or their or their lawyer, it might be a difficult or tense or emotional changeover with your kids, or it might just be you anticipating an upcoming difficult conversation, our nervous system flips the switch into that fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, your heart might race, your muscles tense, your breathing tends to get shallower, and your thinking narrows, your capacity to think clearly and calmly is limited.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I know when some people, and this might be you, hear nervous system work, they often assume it's just about relaxation techniques or stress management, but it is actually so much deeper than that.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Nervous system regulation is about retraining the oldest, most instinctual parts of your body, the parts that are constantly scanning for danger, deciding whether it's safe for you to rest, to connect, to digest, to repair, or if we need to stay, if you need to stay in defense mode.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So these systems influence everything, they influence your hormones, your immune response, your energy production, your digestion, even your sleep, as well as your capacity to absorb and analyse information and then make decisions by accessing that logical, rational part of your brain.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if your body doesn't feel safe, if your body doesn't feel safe, no amount of mindset work or therapy or coaching or divorce strategy can really land.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're in survival mode, when you're in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, your brain is in what's called amygdala hijack.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned it earlier, where you literally cannot access the higher level thinking that allows you to take on and absorb information, to weigh up options, to stay strategic, and to make rational, considered choices.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And let's be honest, some of the decisions you're being asked to make during separation, during mediation, during negotiation, negotiation, and through divorce are massive and they have real long-term consequences.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot make those decisions well if you're coming from a place of dysregulation, from panic, from reactivity, or from collapse if you're tipped into the fawn mode, right?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Your body has to feel safe enough to switch out of protection mode and into connection mode so you can think clearly and act intentionally.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about some of the signs that indicate you're dysregulated, your nervous system is dysregulated.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: The classic one, of course, is you can't think straight, you can't focus, you can't stay on task or concentrate.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everything feels overwhelming, everything feels too much, and maybe you can't even make the simplest decision like what to have for breakfast.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Another sign is you might snap or cry more easily than usual.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You are reactive, volatile, your emotions are labile, you swing from one to the other.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel panicked, you might feel a rush of panic or dread for no apparent reason.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: It might manifest physically for you, your body feels tight, your jaws clenched, your shoulders are hunched, your stomach's in knots.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes your heart rate's elevated, you might feel dizzy, you might feel nauseous, or you might just have that instinct to turn and run, or to hunker down under the under the covers and not emerge.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Very often your sleep is affected.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Often it is negatively impacted, you can't sleep, but for some people, nervous system dysregulation shows up in excess sleep.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can't wake up, so your sleep is affected, and you might feel exhausted all the time, even after a good night's sleep.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: There are lots of other indicators of a dysregulated nervous system, and there are a couple of other uh episodes of the podcast you might like to go back to.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'll try and link them in the show notes.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: One is with Bianca Maricks, the naturopath, and the other is with Rio Richards, who's a grief therapist and somatic therapist.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Both of those episodes lead through a few um symptoms, I suppose, of nervous system dysregulation that you might want to go back and listen to.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: But what it means in a nutshell is that your nervous system has hijacked you.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system has taken control, the driver's wheel, and the calm, wise, future-focused, strategic part of you is actually sitting in the back seat.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: But regulation, nervous system regulation, can become your communication superpower through your divorce and beyond.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you can bring yourself back into regulation, when you can get your body and your mind back into a karma state, you reclaim agency and you reclaim choice.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Choice about how you respond, if you respond, choice about the words and the phrasing that you use, choice about whether you respond now or later, choice about whether this instance, this moment, this interaction becomes another point of conflict, another argument, or an escalation, another barrier, or a step towards resolving something, a step towards healing, a step towards resolution.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Regulation and being able to bring yourself back into regulation, because let's face it, you're not going to maintain regulation all the time.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You are going to be activated, you are going to be triggered, you are going to be pushed off center.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: But regulation and being able to bring yourself back into a regulated state relatively quickly means you get to play the long game, not the short, reactive one.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you best protect yourself, your kids, and your future.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the future relationship with this other person if it's going to have to be an ongoing one, which, if you've got kids or other interconnected interconnections, I should say, um, in your lives, you might have to have an ongoing relationship with this person.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about some simple techniques, some simple practices that can help bring you back to calm, that can help you regulate your nervous system.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And these are not, and intentionally, these are not big time-consuming routines.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: They are tools you can easily access and quickly use to bring yourself down, to bring yourself back to regulation.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can use them in the middle of a messy moment, at handovers, in the car, even in the bathroom before you're stepping into your mediation or a meeting.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can use them before you jump on the telephone to have that hard conversation.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And like most techniques, they require practice, they require learning.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: You will need to be able to access these techniques in high stress situations.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to have practiced them and learned them and skilled yourself in them when you're not massively stressed, when you're not hugely activated, when the stakes are perhaps not quite so high.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you can access them more easily, tap into and use them in those big emotional moments to bring yourself back to calm and regulated when you're triggered or activated.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are they?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, grounding.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It is as simple as standing barefoot or just pressing your feet firmly into the floor and feeling the support beneath you.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe slowly and imagine that steadiness rising up through your feet, through your body.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Great if you can get bare feet on the grass or on the on the ground, but that's not always possible, right?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So just pressing your feet firmly into the floor and focusing.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Another grounding technique which is really easy to tap into, access anytime, anywhere, is just engage with your senses.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sight, touch, sound, smell, taste can help bring you back to the present moment and reduce feelings of anxiety.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So asking yourself, what can I see, what can I feel, what can I hear, what can I smell, what can I taste, can help you regulate your nervous system.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And again, using it strategically across time and regularly and building it into your daily practice will help you be able to access these techniques, whatever your chosen techniques are, when the stakes are a little higher.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Another way you can use grounding in a more public space is to simply transfer all your weight onto one foot, as if you're going to stand on one foot, but you might not want to lift the other one off the ground, look quite strange in a public situation.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: But as if you're standing on one leg, transfer all of the weight onto one foot and focus on your balance.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can't think of much else if you're just trying to keep your balance, so it can help you regulate your nervous system.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: The second technique that I would really encourage anybody to use, learn, upskill themselves in is some kind of breathing technique.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: It can be simple deep breathing.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: If it feels safe to do so, if it's okay for you to do, put one hand on your belly, one hand on your chest, breathe in slowly through your nose, letting your belly expand, your chest rise, and focusing on that, and breathe out even more slowly through your mouth.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: An extended exhale signals to your body that we're safe.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're safe.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: We breathe in that pattern when we're asleep, and to sleep we need to feel safe.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: So our brain is wired to connect an extended exhalation with rest and safety.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Another way you can access your breathing is access your breathing.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Another breathing technique you can use is box breathing, where you breathe in for four, hold for a count of four, breathe out for a count of four, pause for a count of four, and repeat.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: These techniques can help you regulate your heart rate and calm your body.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Technique number three is physical touch or physical contact.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can cross your arms over your chest, give yourself a hug, hands on your upper arms, hold for a few breaths.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can even do that in public, right?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: No one needs to know that you're actually focusing on your breath and giving yourself a hug.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: But this simple action can give your give you and your body a sense of containment and a sense of safety.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can also use tapping, like just gentle tapping on your chest or your arms bilaterally, like left-right, left-right, left, right.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: This can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the dial-down part of your nervous system.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is the antidote to fight-flight ner fight-flight response.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it is the regulatory part of your nervous system.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So what we call bilateral super stimulation, alternate left-right tapping.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that even just fingernails onto your palms, or as I said before, like tapping your chest or your or your arms, upper arms.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Cold is another great way that you can regulate your nervous system.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a cold reset, almost like a shock.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can run cold water over your hands, you can place a cold cloth on the back of your neck, you can hold some ice cubes in your hand.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: The physical sensation can actually help you, help pull you out of a dysregulated state or an emotional spiral.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You could splash cold water on your face, which helps jolt your system and increase alertness.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can also, if you're brave enough, have a brief cold shower.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: It activates the nervous system and promotes that sense of invigoration, but also helps you access your parasympathetic nervous system and dials down your reactivity.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Number five is movement.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can sway, you can shake it out, you can dance, you can sort of run on the spot.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Movement helps regulate your nervous system.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: One of the somatic practices that I like to use with clients is sort of swing your arms side to side as if you are giving yourself a hug.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So gently swing or sway your arms so that they wrap around you.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: It does two things.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you that hug that we talked about before, a feeling of safety and a feeling of calm, but the rhythmic movement is also a great way to help regulate your nervous system.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: So swaying, shaking, swinging helps release pent-up tension energy and brings you back into your body.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one I want to give you or gift you is visualization.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can close your eyes and picture a place or a moment or a memory that feels safe and peaceful, whatever that is for you, a beach, a forest, your favorite spot at home, and imagine breathing in that space, breathing in calm, breathing out stress.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're in a situation where you can't actually manage to physically ground yourself or use some of the other techniques I've talked about, shake it out, focus on your breathing.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Simpling and visualizing how it feels to be in a calm, regulated state, accessing a happy, calm memory of you in a safe space, calm, regulated, can trick your brain into believing it's real.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can manage nothing else, have your calm, regulated memory ready to access and practice visualizing that at different times through your day, through your week.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: These practices really can help ground you, bring you back into your body and soothe your nervous system even in the middle of overwhelming emotions, high stress or grief.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And regular practice of these techniques can help you train your nervous system to respond more quickly and more effectively when you are activated or dysregulated.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, the practice matters.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a performance or a sports match.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know how to do the thing before you step out onto the stage or into the arena, right?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So practice and learn what works for you.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because these tools are most effective if you can use them before you actually need them.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Practicing when you're I'm not going to say 100% calm, but practicing when it's less um high stakes means that they become second nature when you're under pressure.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: So try them during the day, when you wake up before bed, or when one of the kids annoys you, or your boss sends you an email that frustrates you.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like training a muscle.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like going to the gym and building up your power.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: The stronger that regulation muscle gets, the more quickly you can access it, use it, and return to a calm state when divorce stress or overwhelm hits.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce takes time.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Negotiation, mediation, coming to an agreement, readjusting, it all takes time.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be more like the marathon than the sprint, right?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And also there's ongoing connection between you and your ex afterwards, if you have kids or joint friends or a business together, whatever.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: The more you can keep your nervous system in balance and regulated, the more control you have over you, over how you show up, over what you say, over how you respond, how you react, and how you navigate the hard conversations and interactions, how this next chapter looks for you.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce and all that it brings is inherently stressful.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you chose it or it was not your decision, it's stressful and it's activating and it tips you off center.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: It brings up all the big emotions, all the high stress.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't have to allow your overwhelm, you don't have to let your nervous system run the show.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: With the right tools, you actually get to choose.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that choice, that ability to pause, to regulate, and to respond from a grounded space, from a regulated space, with intention and with your focus on the future that you're trying to create and build for yourself, that is your divorce communication superpower.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to go back and have a listen to those other episodes that I mentioned, the one with Bianca Maricks and the one with Rio Richards.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: I will try and remember to link them in the show notes.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if you would like to explore having me as part of your divorce superpower team, you can book a free intro call.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I am currently taking applications for new clients.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a few spaces opening up for the second part of 2025, so I would welcome the chance to chat through how that can look.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if you know somebody that would benefit from listening to this podcast episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,