Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Wish Lists For Holiday Gifts: Good Idea Or Dumpster Fire?

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Wish Lists For Holiday Gifts: Good Idea Or Dumpster Fire? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today we're going to be talking about wish lists and if this is
• 0:12
  a good idea or not for holiday shopping.
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  So just in time for the holidays for you to think about this
• 0:18
  idea. Please do subscribe if you've
• 0:21
  not yet. The most recent one was on
• 0:23
  Career Struggles and Women in Midlife.
• 0:27
  OK, so there are two kinds of people, and one of them likes
• 0:31
  wish lists and one of them doesn't.
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  So A wish list is like a registry where you write down,
• 0:36
  you know, like you're on Amazon. You could have a wish list or on
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  Etsy or something, and then you could link your partner to the
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  things you know. Or you could just individually.
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  You don't need a whole list. Some people just tell their
• 0:48
  partner what they want to receive, but some people link
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  them to a list so that the person can just buy something
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  off of the list. And this is kind of similar to
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  when children have a Christmas list.
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  Not all children, but the same kind of people who like lists
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  usually do lists for their children.
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  OK. So first of all, there's a
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  couple big things to think about.
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  First off is, do you have joint accounts?
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  If you have joint money, then keep in mind that when you're
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  getting somebody something off of a wish list, it's with your
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  money. So that's how it's different
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  with an adult and a child. So a child doesn't have as much
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  money as an adult. So if you buy something for your
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  child, them definitionally that is something they probably could
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  not have bought for themselves. And so you are buying them
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  something that otherwise they couldn't have gotten when it's
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  two adults doing it, especially with joint money and and I
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  believe that couples benefit from having joint finances as
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  I've discussed in other podcasts then you are just literally
• 1:51
  buying somebody something that they could have bought
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  themselves that they also picked out themselves.
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  So some of you who are more avoidant attachment are
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  thinking, yes, sounds great, I will get exactly what I want.
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  There are no hurt feelings and I in fact even know how much money
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  it is. And so I won't even put
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  something on the wish list that is too expensive that I would
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  not feel comfortable buying. So that is a very practical
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  strategy, you know, and that is not probably a highly sensitive
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  person. That's probably, you know, a
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  very practical person who really does not like emotional
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  vulnerability in the gift giving arena.
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  They are more focused on the item that they obtain than the
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  process. Now contrast this with highly
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  sensitive people, or just more sensitive people.
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  They don't have to hit criteria for highly sensitive people.
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  And you could, you know, look up highly sensitive people on my
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  website and learn more about that.
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  It's a trait. The 20% of people are highly
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  sensitive people. They're sensitive across sensory
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  and physical and emotional domains.
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  They're more of the creative people, you know, people that
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  are that notice things. They're very observant anyway.
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  The point is, to a highly sensitive person, or even just a
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  more romantic person, the wish list is a terrible idea because
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  they don't get to see that the partner really knows them.
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  So the partner isn't picking anything.
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  Everything on the wish list was already approved.
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  They didn't have to know you at all.
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  They could have done the same gift for you as they would have
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  gotten for anybody else, in as much as they picked item number
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  three on the wish list for you and could have picked item
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  number three on the wish list for somebody else for a more
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  romantic person or or the preoccupied attachment partner.
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  Gift giving is a way to see that the person really loves you and
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  knows you. So while it doesn't have to be
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  expensive, it doesn't even have to be that you know that
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  original it. It has to be something that that
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  they know you. You know from the gift that they
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  know who you are, what you like, and what's important to you.
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  And that is truly for for more sensitive people or more
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  romantic people, it truly is the thought that counts,
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  particularly in the situation that you are an adult with joint
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  money. Now, if you don't have joint
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  money and one of you has so much less money than the other, I
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  mean, I don't think that's going to be a happy marriage, right?
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  If you're married, you need to both be able to have pretty
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  similar spending no matter what the salaries are.
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  There are horror stories of of men giving their wives an
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  allowance, you know, and basically saying you can't buy
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  anything up until you know anything over $50 you have to
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  ask me about. But I can go, you know, buy
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  whatever I want. And same thing with women, where
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  if they are the primary breadwinner, some women can be
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  real assholes just like men can and say no, you know, this is my
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  money. So like, you don't have it, I
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  do. And you got to use only this
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  amount of money. So if anybody is being
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  controlling and financially abusive, then that would be
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  something to go to therapy about, right?
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  But overall we're not talking about that.
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  We're talking about the more common situation where the money
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  is fairly distributed equally. So then the the romantic person
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  or the preoccupied attachment person.
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  They don't even know that you know them from the gift that you
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  got them. They wouldn't have a wish list
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  to begin with, but if they did, if you asked them for something,
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  then it really doesn't show much that you know anything about
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  them by the fact that you purchased it.
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  Whereas a more avoidant person likes to get exactly what they
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  want. The thing is more important.
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  This is nothing about the relationship.
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  It's really about obtaining the thing.
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  Now there is a a an exception where a more preoccupied
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  attachment or romantic person has continually been been
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  disappointed by the partner. And so then they create a wish
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  list so that they are not truly disappointed over and over.
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  And what do you What do I mean by disappointed?
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  So for example, a woman who loves reading fiction and has
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  never read nonfiction for the past 20 years, her husband gets
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  her a nonfiction book that he liked for her Christmas present.
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  So that would be considered not a good gift, right?
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  Or like the woman is very practical and pragmatic and the
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  husband gets her, you know, a spa day, even though she's never
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  been to a spa, doesn't like spas.
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  And in fact, he likes women who dress, who have their nails done
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  and who are more, let's say, feminine in that way
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  classically. And and so it's it's a reproach.
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  The gift, it's more like he's trying to get her something that
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  he wants her to be like. You know, the great gift is
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  somewhat of a criticism. It has nothing to do with her.
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  So in these sorts of situations, instead of continually get
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  disappointed or hurt, some highly sensitive or romantic
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  people will make a wish list. But that's more of a workaround
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  to avoid a a bad outcome, A disappointing or a critical
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  gift. It it isn't what they really
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  want. So what would they really want?
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  What is? I mean, I have a whole post
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  about this The Ultimate Gift Guide to not Getting a gift that
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  your wife doesn't hate on the Doctor Psych Mom website.
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  But really, if you just get them a piece of clothing that's the
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  same brand and size as something that they usually wear, you
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  really can't go wrong. That's not a wish list.
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  Remember, that's something that you are observing, is something
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  that they frequently wear and they like.
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  You are looking at the brand, you are looking at the sides.
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  It's right there in their closet.
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  And you're getting that or jewelry from a, you know, a
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  place that they like, earrings from, a place that they've
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  bought from before, a book from an author that they've already
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  read, something like that. So it shows that you know them
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  and that you care about what their tastes are and their
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  preferences. That's a good gift.
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  It really does not have to take that much effort as long as you
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  understand that it has to be something that is similar to
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  something that they already like.
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  Sometimes people try to be super creative and like introduce
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  somebody to something new as a gift.
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  That's not going to be a good idea, you know, generally,
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  unless you guys are totally, you know, very, very simpatico and
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  on the same page and very closely romantically attuned,
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  you know, it's it's not a good idea to introduce somebody to
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  like a new style of clothes, especially a sexier style or
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  lingerie or something which is a reproach in a gift.
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  A gift should be something that they already like and wear.
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  So you may not love that your wife wears sweatshirts all the
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  time, and so you may want her to wear something sexier.
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  Christmas gift is not the time to do that.
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  Neither is her birthday. In fact, no time is the time to
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  do that for a gift. That's a gift for you.
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  And I talked about it specifically in the podcast when
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  you don't like how your wife dresses and you got to frame it
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  specifically as a gift for you because that's what's honest and
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  people respond to honesty. They don't respond to, you know,
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  fake, you know, backdoor kind of backhanded compliment type of
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  gifts where you're basically criticizing who they are with
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  your gift. So this whole wish list idea is
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  very interesting because it it really, it transcends just the
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  gift sphere. So more avoidant people, they
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  want to be asked exactly what they want to eat and then eat
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  exactly that. Whereas you know people who are
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  more into the relationship as a priority, whether that goes to
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  the realm of preoccupied attachment or it's just a more
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  sensitive person. They would like you to cook a
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  meal that you think they would like, but they don't want to say
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  I want a cheeseburger and fries because it doesn't really
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  matter, you know. What matters is that you were
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  trying to make them a nice meal with more avoidant people.
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  This is why acts of service is so big for more avoidant people.
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  They do prioritize the ACT over the person truly, you know, like
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  they will say no, I didn't like dinner as much as I would have
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  if it was a cheeseburger and fries.
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  And this is like very frustrating to a more sensitive
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  partner or a partner who prioritizes the thought that
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  counts. So they will like, let's say
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  they'll the, the person likes Chinese food, right?
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  So they will take the person to a new Chinese restaurant.
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  But then that person might say something like, but I don't like
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  the ambiance of this place. I like better the place near us.
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  And I wish that you would just take us to the place near us all
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  the time. So here's a situation where the
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  person is taking your wants into account, but they're also
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  wanting a little bit of creativity, a little bit of just
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  a little bit. They're not saying you have to
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  like Italian food. They're saying, I know you like
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  Chinese food, but they're trying to like do something special,
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  but the person doesn't recognize it as special.
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  They don't recognize that effort.
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  They don't care. They want to eat what they want
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  to eat. Or in terms of acts of service,
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  they'll say, you know, can you clean, can can you clean up the
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  living room? And the guy will clean up the
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  living room, except that he doesn't vacuum.
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  You know exactly the way that she wants, right?
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  And then she'll get upset, you know?
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  And so more avoidant people tend to say, if you're not giving me
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  exactly what I want, then it isn't.
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  It isn't what I want. And guys do this with sex,
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  they'll be like, I want to have a blowjob.
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  I want that X times per week. And the woman may not want to
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  give a blowjob. She may never have given
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  blowjobs, right? She may have always thought that
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  was pretty disgusting and maybe she did it a couple times in the
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  honeymoon stage, but really never again.
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  And he's like, it has to be about the blowjob.
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  It is the blowjob that is what matters.
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  But it isn't, you know, like to her, she doesn't have anything
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  like that. Let's say she doesn't have any
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  specific thing that he has to do in bed in order to make her
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  happy. So then it's really about the
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  thing. It's about the blowjob.
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  He wants what he wants, and to him that's love.
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  To her, working together with somebody so that we both have a
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  nice encounter would be love. It's very, very different.
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  And when these two types of people get together, there are
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  empathic ruptures constantly because they're wired so
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  differently. And both of them, in therapy,
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  have to interrogate why they think like this.
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  The person who wants exactly what they want, they either
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  they, I mean, it's just like anything else.
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  They were either raised exactly like that or the opposite.
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  So they either got exactly what they wanted all the time.
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  The mommy who cut up their, you know, sandwich exactly how they
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  wanted and made them a special meal and all of this every
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  second. And or there's somebody who
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  never got exactly what they wanted.
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  They didn't even have enough food, right.
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  So now their idea of being, you know, a happy adult is getting
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  exactly what they want all the time.
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  Whereas the other person never felt, either never felt like a
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  parent was very attuned to them. So like, a parent wouldn't have
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  any idea what they want or like. And so therefore gifts were
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  always terrible, even from the parent.
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  Or it was a parent that was highly attuned and highly
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  sensitive who always thought of, oh, you're somebody who likes
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  sweaters. Well, I'm going to get you this
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  super beautiful sweater from a brand you didn't even know
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  existed, but now you're so happy about it.
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  So if you have a parent like that and then you're partnered
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  with somebody who's like just literally link me to what you
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  want, I can't possibly think of it, then you feel very hurt.
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  So two highly sensitive people partnered together is usually
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  the best outcome for gift giving.
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  Or two non highly sensitive people partnered together who
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  just give each other wish lists or say let's not even get gifts,
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  which is pretty common. Like why are we doing this to
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  ourselves? Like well, why don't we just
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  save money up for a vacation or something.
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  Two non highly sensitive people will do that, you know, and be
• 14:05
  like whatever, who cares? I could buy what I want and so
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  it doesn't matter. Let's focus on getting gifts for
• 14:10
  the kids, and it won't be a lack of romance.
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  These are the people where you know, things feel kind of
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  practical. It can be two avoided people.
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  It's not common, but there can be two avoiding people partnered
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  together more of a businessy relationship, and they just
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  don't feel like that. Two highly sensitive people are
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  always thinking about stuff that they could get for each other
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  that would show that they really knew each other and understood
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  each other. So this is gift giving is a very
• 14:38
  hard time for for many couples that struggle with feeling like
• 14:43
  their partner really knows and or prioritizes that.
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  And so a great conversation to have with your partner is why
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  you either are or are not a person who likes wish lists and
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  why. But you would have to go back
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  and introspect about why in the ways that I've told you.
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  How did a parent treat gift giving?
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  Did you feel really known as a child?
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  Did you feel like you ever got exactly what you wanted?
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  Or was it always kind of not what you wanted?
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  How are you a romantic person or not?
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  You know, how do you view gifts? Do you think that it's something
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  that represents that somebody knows you well or do not even
• 15:16
  think of it like that until you listen to this podcast?
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  You know, I mean, it's, it's such a fruitful topic.
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  And when things are discussed like that, then there's not a
• 15:24
  lot of room for complete bitterness, You know, because
• 15:28
  you're trying to understand each other with open curiosity
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  instead of just taking things super personally.
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  Like, if he loved me more than he would get me a better gift,
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  what if he's never learned how to get anybody a gift?
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  Because in their family, they didn't even do that.
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  Or if she loved me more, she would just get me exactly what I
• 15:46
  wanted instead of some bullshit that I don't.
• 15:48
  Well, what about if in her family, that's how you show that
• 15:51
  you love somebody is, you know, knowing them and introducing
• 15:55
  them to something a little bit, you know, different than in the
• 15:58
  same vein of what they would like, but even different.
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  I mean, and people don't always get those right, either.
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  So, like, many women are like, oh, he likes lingerie, but the
• 16:06
  lingerie he likes is so slutty. I'll just get this really pretty
• 16:09
  nighty. And he looks at her and he's
• 16:11
  like, what is this thing out of Golden Girls, you know, And and
• 16:15
  this is like, is she, like, trolling me right now?
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  Like, this is so different. But to the woman she like, has
• 16:21
  no idea. She's like, oh, it's all
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  lingerie. I'm doing a good job, right?
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  And so these kind of ruptures can happen and and it's sad
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  because they're really due to a basic misunderstanding of of
• 16:32
  what is important to each person and what they're really looking
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  for. So this would be a really good,
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  you know, conversation to have before the holidays to inoculate
• 16:41
  yourselves against empathic ruptures developing over gift
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  giving. And of course, if that feels
• 16:47
  outside of what you can do as a couple, then a couples counselor
• 16:50
  can always help. I hope you guys found this to be
• 16:53
  an interesting topic. I do and which is why I did it
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  and I will talk to everybody soon.
• 16:58
  Have a great day guys.