Latest / Libido Lounge / What's Your Attachment Style Doing To Your Relationships? With Bev Mitelman, M.A.

Transcript

What's Your Attachment Style Doing To Your Relationships? With Bev Mitelman, M.A. · Libido Lounge

0:00
Attachment theory itself was first studied in the nineteen fifties, and what they were doing
0:05
is they were observing how young children were interacting with their mothers.
0:10
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
0:13
We have secure attachment and insecure attachment.
0:18
Why is this actually important?
0:20
Because everyone has an attachment style.
0:23
We're talking about a set of patterns that we learn very early on in our life from, like,
0:29
zero to five is when we first get patterned.
0:34
Attachment styles are learned behavior.
0:37
And so with that, we also know that it can be unlearned and relearned.
0:43
Right?
0:43
So we can naturally shift depending on our life experiences, but we can also shift if we do the
0:52
work to become become consciously aware of our patterns and make an effort to shift out of
0:59
those old patterns that are no longer serving us.
1:02
The person who is anxiously avoidant, they are the ones who came out of a home where their
1:11
emotional attunement from their parent was like on on and off.
1:14
So maybe their parent was an alcoholic or emotionally unavailable or there are too many
1:19
siblings in the family.
1:21
They know what love feels like but they never got it consistently.
1:25
Some of the wounds that they carry are things like people who are disorganized on the fearful
1:30
avoidance side, they tend to
1:37
Hey, everybody.
1:38
Quick break at our episode to talk to you about our sponsor, My Libido Doc.
1:43
One of the things that we truly believe is that great sex is available to everyone, but we just
1:50
have to learn how.
1:52
So head over to our site to get your free copy of our ebook, five steps to mind blowing
2:00
orgasms and romance.
2:02
Get the quick and easy tips to turn your sex life around, rev up your engines, and fall in
2:09
deeper love and passion with yourself and your partner.
2:13
If you just go to mysexdoc.com, you will find that ebook there for download.
2:20
Now back to our show.
2:22
Hey, everybody.
2:23
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
2:26
I'm your host, board sexologist, board certified sexologist, I should say, and libido
2:31
expert, doctor Diane Mueller, and I am thrilled about introducing you to Bev Mittelman.
2:38
Bev is the founder of a amazing, amazing practitioner and relationship business that she
2:46
will tell us all about called Securely Loved, and we're gonna talk about something that I've
2:51
mentioned on the show before that I think is pivotal for healthy relationships, for
2:58
relationships where people feel attached in a healthy way, and a way that's allowing them to
3:04
move through the relationships fluidly and with good conversation and good boundaries and and
3:10
good, ability for each person to have a level of their own freedom and autonomy and whatever
3:16
that looks like for the uniqueness of them and their relationship.
3:19
So I've seen attachment theory work so many wonders on my life and my relationships, not
3:25
only romantically but even with my friends.
3:28
So this is gonna be such a cool conversation.
3:31
Welcome to the show Bev.
3:33
Thank you so much.
3:34
I'm so happy to be here with you and your audience.
3:37
Well, wonderful to have you, and and I know some of our listeners have heard of attachment
3:42
theory.
3:43
I know this is not new for everybody, but let's get everybody on the same page here because I
3:48
know there's also tons of listeners that are like, wow.
3:50
I can make my guesses, but what exactly is that?
3:53
So before we get into some fun details, can you help just kinda lay the foundation of
3:58
attachment theory, attachment styles, what is it, and why does it matter?
4:03
Yeah.
4:03
So it's a great place to start.
4:05
So attachment theory itself was first studied in the nineteen fifties.
4:09
And what they were doing is they were observing how young children were interacting with their
4:14
mothers and then what would happen when the mother would leave the room, how the child
4:19
would react, and then when the mother reentered the room.
4:23
Right?
4:23
And they were able to identify very distinct patterns.
4:27
Now fast forward to more of today's world, we talk about attachment styles.
4:34
Right?
4:34
So this is coming off of that work from the nineteen fifties.
4:37
Right?
4:38
So, I'm sure you've heard about different attachment styles.
4:42
Essentially, we have two broad categories.
4:45
We have secure attachments and insecure attachments.
4:50
And in the bucket of insecure attachment, we have three subcategories.
4:56
Those that are anxiously attached, it's like a continuum.
4:59
So on one side, those that are anxiously attached or anxious preoccupied.
5:04
Then you have those who are avoidantly attached or dismissive avoidant.
5:08
And then there's a small group of people who have what's called disorganized attachment or
5:13
fearful attachment, and they have traits of both anxious and both the avoidant.
5:20
So that's sort of in broad strokes what we're what we're looking at.
5:24
Now now why is this actually important?
5:27
Because everyone has an attachment style.
5:31
So we're not talking about mental illness, personality disorder.
5:35
We're talking about a set of patterns that we learn very early on in our life from, like,
5:41
zero to five is when we first get patterned based on the interaction that we had with our
5:47
primary caregiver.
5:49
Right?
5:50
So we learn a lot of things in terms of understanding our emotions, trusting, finding
5:58
healthy ways to communicate, understanding boundaries.
6:01
All of that foundational work starts really, really early.
6:05
And so it matters because we all have an attachment style.
6:10
And as we grow up into adulthood and we start having relationships with other adults,
6:17
romantic relationships or friendships or family members, whatnot, our, attachment style impacts
6:24
us directly and very acutely in terms of how we communicate, in terms of how we perceive things
6:32
like our lens, in terms of our emotional patterns, in terms of our relationship to
6:38
boundaries, and also our coping behaviors.
6:43
Right?
6:43
So it's really broad reaching.
6:46
So I wanna go into some of the characteristics of each one of these because I think Sure.
6:51
Help people.
6:52
I know I think I saw on your website you have a quiz.
6:55
Is that correct?
6:55
For, like, the Yes.
6:57
Yeah.
6:57
So we'll make sure we put that quiz.
6:59
You guys, we'll make sure we put that in the show notes so you guys can take this quiz and
7:03
help determine you determine what your attachment style is.
7:06
But before we go into some of more of those details, one question I have is, like, do you
7:11
find because a lot of times I feel like when we talk about, okay, so these archetypical type of
7:16
models, and this isn't exactly that.
7:17
When we talk about these models oftentimes of development or of personality, Oftentimes, it's
7:24
said that you can like, we have a predominant one, and then you have, like, you know, all of
7:29
the other sub ones, right, that you can kinda move in and out of these different types of
7:33
styles.
7:34
So with these four major different types of attachment theory, you know, one being the
7:38
secure and three being the subcategories of insecure like you mentioned, do you find that
7:44
people have, like, their dominant style and then there are certain things that'll trigger
7:48
them into going into the other types of, say, styles here?
7:54
What is how do how do is it fluid versus stagnant, I guess, is my question.
7:57
How does this all work?
7:59
So excellent question, doctor Diane.
8:01
I love this.
8:02
Because, really, we are most suggestible as humans, all of us, when we're super young.
8:07
Right?
8:08
Zero to five.
8:09
So that initial patterning has great impact on us, the greatest impact.
8:14
And so we all develop a primary style, typically with a secondary style as well.
8:20
So what does that look like?
8:21
I can, for example, be primarily securely attached, but I lean anxious, which means that
8:28
I could have some anxious traits, but most of the time, my behavior would be more aligned
8:34
with someone who's securely attached.
8:35
And we can we can talk about that a little bit later.
8:38
Now as we go through adulthood, all of us, we go through life, we go through, you know,
8:45
challenging moments.
8:46
Right?
8:47
And so we all experience, different levels of trauma, different levels and types of
8:54
interrelationships with other people, and this can impact where we end up on the spectrum.
9:01
So there is a level of fluidity.
9:03
Right?
9:04
So it is a spectrum.
9:05
Nope.
9:05
I have yet to meet someone who squarely falls in one.
9:09
Like, you're absolutely secure.
9:11
That's just it's not really how it works.
9:13
It's sort of like you're predominantly.
9:15
Right?
9:16
And so there's some fluidity based on our lived experience, which means that, you know, if you
9:22
are, for example, insecurely attached and you're lucky enough to find someone who is
9:27
securely attached and you're in a long term partnership with them, that will be very
9:32
healing for you.
9:34
And what's more likely to happen is you will move towards secure attachment as opposed to
9:39
the other person moving towards insecure attachments.
9:42
Right?
9:42
Because we tend to heal within the context of relationships.
9:46
So, all this to say, attachment styles are learned behavior.
9:53
And so with that, we also know that it can be unlearned and relearned.
9:59
Right?
9:59
So we can naturally shift depending on our life experiences, but we can also shift if we do the
10:08
work to become become consciously aware of our patterns and make an effort to shift out of
10:15
those old patterns that are no longer serving us.
10:18
That's really helpful.
10:19
I wanna emphasize one thing you said too in there before moving on, which is you said, and
10:25
this is me paraphrasing, that that we're healing our relationships while in a
10:31
relationship.
10:32
And I wanted to to name that because I had past, past relationship I got out of, and I
10:38
went into therapy after this relationship.
10:40
And I was, like, starting to date somebody new, actually, who's now my my current, partner of
10:46
four years.
10:47
I was just starting to date him, and I was, like, telling my therapist, I was, like, I'm so
10:51
worried about going into this relationship and, like, bringing my past in.
10:55
I was like, don't I need to just, like, wait to date because of I need to be healed and I need
11:00
to be, like, you know, 100% and all these things.
11:03
And she said something that that was so profound to me that you just named, which is if
11:09
it's a relationship situation, we actually heal relationships while in relationship.
11:16
And that was and so that kind of like piggybacks off of what you said, and I just
11:20
think it's like such an important thing to name because there's such this belief oftentimes
11:24
where these teachings around like, okay, well, we have to be full and and full of our like in
11:29
ourselves and complete and all these things when it's like, well, but does that actually
11:33
ever happen?
11:34
And maybe we do because it's a interrelational problem.
11:38
Maybe it requires an interrelational situation to heal.
11:42
So it sounds like that's what you've seen in in your work then.
11:45
Is that true?
11:46
Very much.
11:47
And and you bring it yeah.
11:48
You bring up such a beautiful point.
11:49
Right?
11:50
So there's only so much awareness and self reflection you can do on an individual basis.
11:56
The beautiful thing is when you're in partnership, especially romantic partnership,
12:01
they will your partner will always trigger your wounds.
12:07
Like, you have a way of doing that, and and it's it's purposeful.
12:12
It's to bring it to the surface so that you can address it, that you can heal it.
12:17
That's where the deep healing comes in.
12:20
Right?
12:21
Is now that I'm presented with that same trigger, am I going to respond in the same
12:26
insecurely attached way that I did before, or can I back up, apply my new skills, apply a
12:33
different thought pattern, and go, you know what?
12:36
I'm gonna seek clarity before I just make all of these assumptions and stories.
12:42
So, yeah, these are opportunities to really learn and heal.
12:47
Okay.
12:47
So I wanna go from here and, like, present, say, a potential real life example.
12:51
Right?
12:52
Meaning
12:53
Sure.
12:53
Just trying to think of, like, what could be something that triggers somebody because that's
12:58
a word that we throw around a lot, I think, in personal growth and development world, in
13:02
therapy, you know, this this trigger.
13:05
And in fact, my girlfriends and I often just, like, joke with each other, like, like, oh, I'm
13:09
so triggered if we don't like something that somebody else said because it's just, like,
13:13
it's just so, intense.
13:16
Overused?
13:16
That word.
13:17
Right?
13:18
Exactly.
13:19
So we play with it a lot just for humor, but there is this element where I think it can
13:24
happen where it's like there like you said, it's like there's this memory of the past and
13:29
these stories of the past, and all of a sudden something in the present is reminding us of
13:33
this thing in the past and our mind goes into story, thought, feeling, emotion, all the
13:38
things, and we're having this incredible, you know, rich and sometimes very intense
13:43
experience of the body.
13:45
So in thinking about how that applies to this conversation around attachment theory, if let's
13:51
just take a a thing that could happen.
13:53
So in my mind, like, one easy thing to talk about would be, okay, you know, meeting up on
13:59
date night, one partner is late, and the other partner is, like, dealing maybe with a past
14:04
history of this person that was always late, never seemed to care, all these things.
14:09
And all of a sudden, somebody is, like, really late for date night, And so we have a partner
14:14
that is triggered.
14:15
So in this situation, how walk us through, if you would, like, what does it look like for,
14:22
say, the person that, like, is there on time, and now they're having this emotional response
14:29
because they're triggered.
14:30
Now they're gonna respond from a secure place versus these individual three insecure places,
14:37
avoidant attachment or avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.
14:40
What does that look like how they respond from each of those types of orientations?
14:49
So I Doug, just in the I lost your audio for a moment.
14:53
The the question was just at the end is how would each one of those orientations respond?
15:01
Correct.
15:02
Exactly.
15:02
So, basically, in thinking about, like, okay.
15:04
We're triggered in this moment just so to help people the purpose of this question is to help
15:08
people, like, understand, oh, this is, like, what we're meaning by, you know, this is how
15:13
anxious looks.
15:14
This is how avoidant looks, that sort of thing.
15:16
So if you can, like, use that as an as an example to differentiate for everybody, that
15:19
would be great.
15:21
I love it.
15:22
Great question.
15:22
Okay.
15:23
So when we're talking about triggered, which I agree with you, triggered is is overused.
15:27
The word trauma is overused in our society today too.
15:30
But when we're talking about triggered, what we're talking about is bringing up old core
15:36
wounds, old, and that are unhealed.
15:39
Right?
15:40
So it's very predictive, the core wounds that you will likely carry based on where you fall
15:48
on the attachment spectrum.
15:50
So someone who is securely attached will likely have very few core wounds.
15:57
Very few, which means that they generally came out of a home where they were they received
16:04
consistent and predictable love.
16:07
So they also and emotional attunement.
16:09
They have a great degree of trust in themselves and in others.
16:13
So if they're on date night and their partner is late, what they're likely to say is
16:19
something to the effect of, I hope they're okay.
16:23
They're not gonna get emotional.
16:24
I they're gonna stay rational.
16:26
I hope they're okay.
16:27
Something really must have gone on.
16:29
They would have for sure given me the respect to contact me.
16:32
You know, let me give them ten more minutes, and then maybe I can figure out if they need my
16:36
help.
16:37
They're gonna be rational about it.
16:39
K?
16:40
Mhmm.
16:40
That's the secure person.
16:42
Yes.
16:43
Just a quick break to let you know that eighty percent of women do not have orgasms from
16:49
vaginal intercourse alone.
16:51
So many people are not having the type of sex that is healing, that brings them closer, that
16:57
brings them more connected, that is full of so much pleasure and passion that it can build
17:02
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bring happiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
17:08
build a better connection with your partner.
17:11
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, is modern monogamy that brings in all of
17:18
that path The person who is anxiously avoidant, they are the ones who came out of a home where,
17:26
their emotional attunement from their parent was, like, on on and off.
17:30
So maybe the parent was an alcoholic or emotionally unavailable or there are too many
17:35
siblings in the family.
17:37
They know what love feels like, but they never got it consistently.
17:42
And so they're always sort of chasing for that love.
17:46
And and I don't love the term, but they're often called needy.
17:51
They need a lot of approval, reassurance, validation, and they're very externally focused
17:58
on their partners, which means that some of the wounds that they carry are things like, I'm not
18:04
good enough.
18:06
You know, I will be excluded.
18:09
I will be alone.
18:11
Yeah.
18:12
I am unlovable.
18:13
So keeping that framework in mind, they're now on the date, and the person is late, and
18:20
they're thinking, I knew it.
18:21
I knew he was gonna break up with me.
18:23
I mean, you know?
18:24
Or, of course, he didn't text me.
18:27
Like, I'm not important enough for him to let me know or whatever it may be.
18:31
They're blaming themselves.
18:34
It's something they said or did.
18:37
Right?
18:37
Because that's where they go.
18:39
Right?
18:39
So you can actually see how your emotion your thought patterns are very much impacted by your
18:44
emotional patterns, which, of course, are impacted by the wounds that you carry.
18:49
Yes.
18:49
Right?
18:50
So if someone thinks they're unlikable, it's like, I mean, I knew he was gonna stiff me for
18:56
the date.
18:56
I'm not really likable.
18:57
What was I thinking?
18:59
Okay.
19:00
Great.
19:00
Perfect.
19:01
That helps.
19:01
And can please continue.
19:02
Yeah.
19:02
Now the avoidant person.
19:05
The avoidant person comes out of a home whereby they were emotionally neglected and or they
19:12
were suffocated.
19:13
Like, we see, like, where there's, like, the overbearing mother.
19:16
Right?
19:17
You just, like, suffocates the son.
19:18
That's a very common scenario.
19:22
Or, for example, a family that's, you know, very stoic.
19:26
There's no emotions that are talked about, and everything's swept under the rug.
19:30
The child is left alone a lot.
19:32
They they have to sort of deal with things on their own.
19:35
They become hyperindependent, disassociated from their emotions.
19:40
And so, you know, when we say avoidant, we mean emotionally avoidant.
19:44
Right?
19:45
So this person is gonna sit down, and if the other person is late, they'll probably give
19:53
them ten minutes, and then they'll get up and leave the table.
19:57
I I agree.
19:58
It's nice.
19:59
And they'll probably say, they'll call me later, but they but but they won't they won't
20:04
easily forgive you.
20:06
But this isn't, like, the sweep it under the rug situation.
20:08
Will they talk about it, or will they just, like, kind of ignore that it even happened?
20:15
They they're they're very afraid of conflict.
20:18
They're very afraid of of, yeah, of vulnerabilities.
20:22
So they don't really wanna have a conversation around you hurt my feelings that you relate,
20:26
that you didn't communicate.
20:28
They're probably just gonna say to you, yeah.
20:30
It's fine, but they'll give you the cold shoulder.
20:32
So, dismissive avoidance typically will communicate far greater with their physical
20:37
body, with body language than words.
20:40
So are they gonna sit down and talk to you?
20:41
No.
20:42
They'll just get up and leave the room because they're angry.
20:45
They feel disrespected.
20:48
Yep.
20:48
Right?
20:49
So they'll just get up and leave the room even if you try to apologize afterwards.
20:53
Yeah.
20:54
It's fine.
20:54
Don't worry about it, but they'll give you the culture on there.
20:57
Yeah.
20:57
Exactly.
20:58
That's where the that's where the part around, hey, this isn't their words.
21:01
This is their body language.
21:02
Like, they might say it's fine, but yet they're not really engaged in mental, emotional types
21:07
of communication, and they're just gonna go to their man or woman cave and, you know, and, you
21:13
know, pout in some ways.
21:14
Right?
21:15
That's
21:15
And isolate.
21:16
That's exactly right.
21:17
So Yeah.
21:19
They're gonna isolate.
21:20
So the person the anxious preoccupied person is gonna wanna sit there and have a lengthy
21:24
conversation about how they feel.
21:26
You know?
21:26
Listen.
21:27
This is how I felt when you were twenty minutes late.
21:29
Right?
21:30
They're gonna they're gonna wanna have that conversation.
21:32
The avoidance is just gonna retreat, and probably not say anything.
21:39
They do feel something, but they they they they're the ones who are very ripe to,
21:45
oftentimes use all sorts of addictions.
21:48
We see a lot of substances in this group to just numb those
21:51
feelings.
21:53
What about the disorganized type?
21:55
Now how does that look?
21:57
Because that looks This is an interesting one.
21:59
Flip back and forth.
22:00
Right?
22:01
Yeah.
22:02
So, my entire life, was a fearful avoidance.
22:06
I'm I'm far more secure now, but, like we said, it's not a destination.
22:11
Right?
22:12
It's a journey.
22:12
So I understand this one very well.
22:15
I speak from from experience on this one.
22:18
In in in a romantic partnership, the the the fearful of waiting is called the or known as
22:24
the hot and the cold partner, which means they oscillate between wanting closeness and pushing
22:29
someone away.
22:30
So the the anxiety of I I want that closeness, but I'm gonna push you away because it you
22:36
know, the the, being too close triggers my fear of intimacy.
22:43
Mhmm.
22:43
Right?
22:43
So it depends on who they're in a relationship with.
22:49
So this is what's so interesting.
22:51
If a fearful avoidant is in a relationship with someone who's more on the dismissive avoidant
22:56
side, their anxious side tends to come out.
23:00
Yeah.
23:00
Okay.
23:01
That makes sense.
23:03
Yes.
23:03
Right?
23:03
It's almost like, you know, yin and yang.
23:07
Right?
23:07
It's like opposites really do attract.
23:09
So now if, again, the opposite is true.
23:12
If they're in a relationship with someone who's more on the anxious side, their avoidance side
23:17
tends to come out more.
23:18
So how are they gonna act in that moment?
23:21
It depends on the attachment style of the individual they're interacting with.
23:25
Now what if the individual they're react interacting with is secure?
23:28
Does it help move them more towards a secure place?
23:32
It can.
23:33
It definitely can.
23:36
But, you know, again, when we talk about sort of, like, this this continuum, people who are
23:42
disorganized on the fearful avoidance side, they tend to generally lean more anxious or
23:48
avoidant.
23:49
And so that their primary pattern will usually be the one that comes up.
23:53
If they are interacting with someone that's secure, they can say to them, listen.
23:57
I'm really sorry.
23:58
I didn't mean to upset you or make you feel disrespected.
24:03
Someone who is fearful avoidance, their core wound that they're carrying around is, I will
24:10
be betrayed.
24:12
Okay.
24:13
And Mhmm.
24:13
They're they're they're quite hypervigilant in looking for these signs of, can I trust you,
24:21
and will you betray me?
24:23
And so words don't matter so much to fearful avoidance.
24:27
They're looking at your behavior.
24:29
And so they're likely to say to you, okay.
24:32
It did upset me that you were twenty minutes late.
24:35
Let's let's try to handle it differently next time.
24:38
Maybe send me a text to this and that.
24:39
If you repeat it again, you're done.
24:43
Yeah.
24:45
Yeah.
24:45
Like, they'll give you a chance.
24:46
Right?
24:47
Yeah.
24:47
But this is because someone who came someone who's fearful avoidant has that attachment
24:52
style.
24:53
They came out of a home when there was a lot of chaos, a lot of fighting, oftentimes two quite
24:59
dysfunctional parents, sometimes feeding off of each other.
25:03
Oftentimes, we see people who come out of homes where there was abuse.
25:08
And these children, you know, develop this disorganized emotional bond to their caregiver.
25:15
That's what attachment means, emotional bond, to their caregiver in a sense that every child
25:22
needs the love and comfort and support of their primary caregiver.
25:26
Right?
25:26
We're drawn to connection, but that same person is harming them.
25:32
Yes.
25:33
And so that's where the disorganized thought.
25:35
Like, I wanna come to you for a hug, but I'm afraid if I get too close, you're going to also
25:40
yell at me, or you're going to hit me, or you're going and so I come close and then I
25:46
push back.
25:47
And I come close but not too close.
25:49
That's the pattern that gets repeated when you get into a romantic relationship.
25:55
So it's almost like the kind of the core wounds, if we could say that, from this more
26:00
fearful, disorganized were, like, a little bit more unpredictable.
26:04
Like, the anxious wounds or earthquake wounds.
26:07
Right?
26:08
Like like, okay.
26:09
Like like, even though the like, what was maybe modeled growing up was hurtful, it was still,
26:16
like, hurtful in a predictable way.
26:17
Mom and dad are gonna act like this, and maybe it's not good, but it's like, okay.
26:22
You can start to predict it versus the fearful is like, I have no idea.
26:26
Right?
26:27
Is that is that some of it?
26:29
That's that's you you really you you phrased it really well, and that's where the
26:34
hypervigilance comes in.
26:36
So Yeah.
26:37
Oftentimes, those that are fearful avoidant will say that they're very, what's the word I'm
26:42
looking for?
26:44
I'm gonna come back to that in a moment because the word is escaping me.
26:48
But what they're really trying to describe is that they are hypervigilant.
26:52
Right?
26:53
So they can they can read other people's energy, vibes.
27:00
They can tell very good at discerning facial features, you know, any sort of change in tone
27:06
or body language.
27:08
Because where they're looking for cues are, am I safe?
27:12
Yeah.
27:12
Oh, empath.
27:13
I don't know why the word empath escaped me, but it did in that moment.
27:17
So a lot of times people will say to me, well, I'm just an empath.
27:21
I just I really I feel other people.
27:23
And I said, but I don't really think you're an empath in the way that you know it to be.
27:27
I think it's a strategy you developed as a child to try and keep yourself safe, and we
27:32
call this hypervigilance.
27:34
So you can read someone else's sort of their mood based on everything that they present with
27:41
their body because that's helping you to discern, do I need to run and hide?
27:46
Do I need to you know, am I safe in this moment?
27:49
That that's where that comes from.
27:51
Yeah.
27:52
Makes a lot of sense.
27:54
And I have another question before I do that.
27:56
I wanna make sure everybody knows that in our exclusive part two, which you guys can find in
28:01
the show notes, I'm gonna be asking Bev about boundaries and ultimatums and how that how
28:08
attachment theories apply to that in our romantic relationships, so make sure you go
28:13
down in part two to get that.
28:15
But before we do that and before we let people know about your quiz, your website, and all
28:19
these great places to get ahold of you, one final con question for this, part one, which is
28:26
okay.
28:26
So people are listening to this and maybe as they're hopeful hopefully, as they're hearing
28:30
these examples, people are starting to say, oh, I might be of a tendency to this versus that
28:36
type of attachment style.
28:37
Obviously, your quiz will really help with that.
28:41
If there's one starting point, though, if we have to still this down, and obviously, this is
28:46
a lifetime of a continuum.
28:48
Right?
28:49
We never totally ever arrive.
28:51
So it's always this, like, work in progress thing.
28:53
But if there's one place where it's like, okay.
28:56
To work on this and start to form a more secure attachment, is there a commonality that you can
29:02
find that you tell people around like, oh, yeah.
29:04
This is a really good starting place to help to to get that movement towards that more secure
29:09
type?
29:11
Yeah.
29:11
That's such a beautiful question.
29:13
So all of these patterns that I'm talking about, they guide our emotions, our thoughts,
29:18
our behavior.
29:19
They're in our subconscious mind.
29:21
Right?
29:22
So people are generally surprised to find out that, again, our emotion, thoughts, and
29:27
behavior are guided primarily by our subconscious mind.
29:31
Because we all like to think that we have free agency.
29:34
Right?
29:34
And it's like we're aware of what we're doing, and we're making decisions.
29:37
But the truth is is that we run much of our life on this autopilot mode.
29:41
Right?
29:42
And so, really, the starting point is to start to bring some of that awareness to your
29:48
conscious mind so that you can start thinking about it.
29:51
So what does this mean?
29:52
Read about attachment theory.
29:54
Right?
29:54
Read about attachment styles.
29:56
Become aware of your own attachment style.
29:59
We we often fall into this trap where we we wanna really understand the attachment style of
30:04
our partner because we wanna fix them.
30:07
That you know what?
30:09
Start with yourself.
30:10
Right?
30:11
Because there's a reason that you chose that partner.
30:14
Right?
30:15
That's an interesting one too.
30:16
So start with yourself, and and, you know, the quiz is a good place to start.
30:21
It's just a point of awareness.
30:24
And, you know, we can absolutely see some wonderful changes if someone is willing to have
30:32
real, authentic, honest conversations with themselves, and and possibly a therapist to
30:39
identify those core wounds.
30:41
Because once we can identify, okay.
30:44
I do feel unlovable, or I do have a hard time trusting someone because I feel like I'm gonna
30:49
be betrayed.
30:50
Well, okay.
30:51
Now we can understand why you do certain things.
30:56
Right?
30:56
Why you're guided to do certain things.
30:59
Why, for example, you never applied for a promotion at work?
31:03
Well, if you don't think you're good enough, you're never gonna be raising your hand saying,
31:07
suggest me.
31:08
I'm I'm a good candidate.
31:09
Right?
31:10
If you don't think that you're, lovable, you're likely not succeeding right now in the dating
31:17
markets.
31:18
Right?
31:19
Because even if you go out on dates, you're giving a vibe of I'm not worth choosing.
31:23
Yeah.
31:25
All of that makes so much sense, and I think that's such a great place to wrap up today.
31:30
So, again, everybody, make sure you check out below in the show notes the information to get
31:35
the exclusive content.
31:36
We're gonna go more into this.
31:37
Like I said, boundaries, ultimatums, like how to work with this and this, you know, these
31:42
types of theories in your romantic relationship.
31:45
We do want to make sure that you know about the quiz, so we'll put that below, and Bev's
31:49
website is securelyloved.com.
31:52
But tell us a little bit about who you let's wrap up with a little bit about, like, who you
31:56
work with and who would be, like, a great fit to seek you out and to go to your website.
32:01
Aw.
32:02
Thank you.
32:02
I appreciate that.
32:03
So we are a group of practitioners.
32:06
We focus on relationship and attachment trauma.
32:09
So that's really the only work we do, is specifically helping people move towards secure
32:15
attachment.
32:17
So we do cover all these areas in terms of core wounds and reprogramming the subconscious mind,
32:22
which we can do.
32:23
Right?
32:23
We can unlearn and relearn, helping people set boundaries, you know, emotional regulation.
32:31
There's a number of things that we work on.
32:33
So it's it's, it's myself and a number of practitioners that I work with.
32:39
We do offer a twenty minute free consult if you're interested.
32:44
You can book with any of us.
32:46
And as you mentioned, the the free quiz is a great starting point.
32:50
Right?
32:51
So so please and I put out a lot of free content.
32:55
I I believe the work in attachment theory is so important.
32:59
Like, I wish they taught some of this in school, but just important in terms of
33:03
understanding human behavior and, and your own minds.
33:08
So I I do put out a lot of educational materials, so you can find us also on YouTube.
33:14
Okay.
33:15
Amazing.
33:16
Well, thank you so much, everybody.
33:17
We'll have that all in the show notes for you for easy access, and thank you for joining us
33:23
for another episode on the Libido Lounge.
33:25
Thank you, Beth, for being here, and I will see you all real soon.
33:29
Ciao for now.
33:33
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
33:35
Please don't keep me a secret.
33:36
Please share this with your friends.
33:38
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.