Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Happens To Women's Bodies And Brains In Their 40's?

Transcript

What Happens To Women's Bodies And Brains In Their 40's? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show, I took a little Hiatus from recording because I
• 0:14
  went away for the weekend. So now I'm back and ready to
• 0:19
  record again for you guys. So, hopefully, you are all
• 0:23
  subscribing to my podcast and please just click the link to
• 0:27
  subscribe, so that you can get access to all the bonus episodes
• 0:30
  and I will always answer your questions first.
• 0:32
  If you're a bonus, if you're a subscriber, Subscriber.
• 0:36
  So today, I am just going to talk briefly about a topic that
• 0:40
  a lot of women in particular care about, which is how your
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  body changes as you get older, a lot of women, real feel like you
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  just like, drop off a cliff at age 40 and they feel like that
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  all the way till age 50 when you feel like your body really just
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  drops off a cliff. I mean, you felt like that a 32
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  but that shit was not real. So why does this happen?
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  Well, usually because your hormones are changing and
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  perimenopause can start many many years before menopause,
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  like 10 years before menopause and menopause on average is like
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  at age 52. So you, your body is changing
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  your hormones are changing. And what is this mean, it means
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  you can become more irritable. It means that depression, May
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  worsen. It means you may get more tired
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  than your 40s and you You also may give less of a shit about
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  your significant other because estrogen is dropping and the
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  estrogen is the hormone that makes you like really sweet and
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  pliable, and really want to make a baby.
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  And so, you're real flexible and you're real cute and cuddly
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  about everything because your body wants to make a baby.
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  But when that goes away, then you don't really feel like being
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  as nice. So for those of us who were not
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  As like pliable and nice to begin with this, maybe really
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  not even noticeable, but there's a whole bunch of women that were
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  like, so nice and bending over backwards and then sometimes
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  like, they'll feel and this goes along with what I say.
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  A lot that people very much underestimate biological causes
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  of things. So the point here is people be
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  like, oh yeah, I really know who I am and my 40s and like, my sex
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  drive is even higher. I don't know what anybody's
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  talking about. A lot of it.
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  The time this is because estrogen will go down.
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  I mean yeah you you're like therapy could have finally
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  worked and whatever and of course you get older and wiser
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  but also hormonal e. Let's not discount the real
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  effects of hormones so hormonal e, you your estrogens going down
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  so you don't care as much. You give a shit as much what
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  people think and you don't care about being like sweet and
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  loving and giving and all of that.
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  So yeah that could make you. L like your sex drive is higher.
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  Of course, it's not like your sex drive is higher when you're
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  younger because that is only what makes sense biologically.
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  It's going to be the highest when you're the most fertile.
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  Like nature is not stupid, you know?
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  But you may feel psychologically your sex drive may be higher
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  because you finally don't give a shit what anybody things.
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  You could say whatever you want in bed, you don't really care.
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  If somebody likes your body or likes your sexual preferences or
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  whatever and you're more confident.
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  So in that case, like you go girl, and Joy, you're better sex
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  life. If that is what came along with,
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  you got an older for, you know, and feeling less like you, you
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  know, are so bent out of shape by every little thing that
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  everybody thinks about you. So, if you are dealing with this
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  stage of life, you also may have other things happen.
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  I mean, you your periods may get shorter actually.
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  They may get like they make. You would think that they you
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  would skip some and sometimes you do, that's actually when
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  you're closer to menopause, But when you just stop ovulating,
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  sometimes when you don't ovulate on a cycle, it's shorter.
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  So that's why your period actually can get shorter because
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  you didn't ovulate that cycle. And so, then the whole thing is
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  just kind of shortened up. So some people have shorter
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  periods and you also may have much worse PMS or pmdd so which
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  is premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
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  So a lot of women that I see they're like, holy shit.
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  Like my period used to be like, all right?
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  And now, Now after kids is terrible.
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  Yeah. I mean having kids like that
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  don't help anything but usually it's because you're getting
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  older and your hormones are more out of whack and so you are more
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  kind of you're just more affected by by the the
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  depressive and the irritable symptoms in the premenstrual
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  week or even the two weeks leading up to your period, which
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  is really half your life. So, I mean, that's kind of the
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  upside of menopause when it comes as you're not to deal with
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  that shit anymore. So from what I hear, actually
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  like a lot of clients do not mind that and also there are
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  like a lot more bioidentical hormone replacement stuff that
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  people can go to functional medicine, doctors and talk
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  about. So, I have a lot of clients that
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  do take different hormones to allow menopause, not to be,
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  quite such a, you know, slap in the face, like it's more gradual
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  or there, they are buffered by its worst effects.
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  By taking bioidentical hormones. So if you are in this time of
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  life, you may find yourself acting a lot different, like you
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  finally want to stick up for yourself and you don't really
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  care as much about making your husband happy.
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  This is unfortunately, during a time of life, or your husband
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  has decided, this is his last hurrah to have the sex life.
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  He always wanted. And so that's why this may not
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  go just quite as well from his perspective is right now.
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  Is when he is saying oh my God, like I'm not getting the
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  erections, I used to get my sex drive, I could possibly go for a
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  day without having sex. Oh my God.
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  Am I going to die soon? And like he's having his whole
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  midlife crisis, you're also having your midlife crisis but
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  yours is basically to not take any of his shit.
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  So those are a lot of the couples that I see in couples
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  counseling, come at this age of life, where the woman is kind of
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  done having kids, and because of that, her body is no longer.
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  Pumping out the same hormones that make her be super nice and
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  responsive just when her husband is existentially, existentially.
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  Reckoning, with the fact that he is not 25 anymore and what is
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  really the meaning of everything.
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  And a lot of guys decide that the meaning of everything is
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  having a better, love life and sex life, which is cool for
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  them. But, you know, like no judgment.
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  Like, there's some women that decide that too, but usually
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  doesn't go a With what their wives think of, as the meaning
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  of their life. This is all the way like headed
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  toward a lot of women, think about their career, finally, and
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  they just want to be more independent.
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  So, that's kind of the end game of this is a lot of older older
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  women like 60 or so. They want to be way.
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  Independent and the man is just retiring and kind of wants to
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  have the woman around to travel with and to hang out with and
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  this is just when the woman is, like, I'm finally going to get
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  to. To do me in all aspects of life.
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  And that's usually right around when she gets grandchildren,
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  really gets into that so and men get really into their grandkids.
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  To don't get me wrong but you see there's all of these
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  different inflection point for when men and women may decide
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  like to go their own individual ways because men get more into a
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  relationship and into the idea of having a partner and women
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  get less into it. So there's the concept of
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  psychological Androgyny, which means we're men.
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  Take previously like female socialize traits on more as they
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  age more and women do the same. With traditionally male traits,
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  this is known to happen as people age.
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  So men get more in touch with their caretaking side and women
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  get more in touch with their independent goal-oriented side.
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  And this again I believe has a lot to do with the fact of
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  hormones in both genders lessening so that you're not.
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  So you're My mind isn't so pushed by whether it's estrogen
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  or testosterone. So as you get into the stage of
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  life, you may have a lot more problems with your significant
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  other. And in that case, couples
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  counseling can really be very useful.
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  Because you can talk about what your goal is, are individually
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  for the rest of your lives. And for some people, they're not
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  going to be the same. And instead of wasting the one
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  life you get Whether this is why a lot of people separated when
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  their kids leave, you know, or some people decide to just make
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  a total paradigm shift. So like the woman is going to be
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  the go-getter in her career and the man is going to take a
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  backseat because he's achieved what he wants or his priorities
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  have changed but either way communication at this stage of
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  life is particularly key. Now, if you are a woman at this
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  stage, you can really make use of your hormonal changes by
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  deciding to work on a lot of things that previously you were
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  too scared to work on changing. So you know, if you were just
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  very anxious and really people-pleasing some of your
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  aging and age-related, biological changes May render
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  you less people pleasing and just kind of less scared about
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  what people think innately, so you You feel less of a shock to
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  the system. When somebody disapproves of you
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  you can really use this to set boundaries in your life to
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  decide which friends and family members.
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  You want to spend a lot of time with and which you want to spend
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  less time with you know, we're more or no time with and you can
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  figure out ways to set boundaries in your relationship.
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  If you've been letting the other person steamroll over you out of
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  the desire to keep the peace, you know there.
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  And including your children to like you can help yourself by
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  setting boundaries and modeling what it looks like for them to
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  treat you better and for you to stick up for yourself.
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  You know, because there's a lot of people that have always
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  really felt like they were getting walked all over but
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  there are anxiety and their people pleasing traits were so
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  high and those were Amplified by, you know, being at a
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  hormonal and biologically different stage of Life and now
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  maybe they can finally set boundaries and say you know
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  what, like you don't get to talk to me like that.
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  And I want to assert myself in XYZ ways.
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  So if you find yourself acting different lean into that, don't
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  just, you know, become a bitch or not, you know, things but not
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  worry about the consequences at all and be nasty.
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  But, you know, there's a big big difference between just being
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  mean for the sake of being me. Which is not obviously what I or
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  anybody would Advocate and setting healthy boundaries.
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  So a woman who's 35, may still say that her husband could kind
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  of do whatever he wants and she picks up the slag but a woman
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  who's 45 May really not feel any sort of compiled compulsion to
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  do that, and that's great and maybe that marriage will last
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  and maybe it won't, but either way she won't continue to be
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  felt to feel like a doormat. So I do get a lot of people in
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  couples counseling. Counseling where the man is just
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  flummoxed. Because all these years, the
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  woman was acting one way. And now in midlife, she's acting
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  a different way and he feels like the rug is pulled out from
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  under him and women that are not aware of biological changes and
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  how those amplify their internal experience.
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  You know, they have to create a narrative.
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  So you know, they create a narrative that makes sense to
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  them which is well one day I just couldn't take it anymore
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  and that you know, makes the man feel bad because he feels like
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  the entire As part of their marriage, was kind of some
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  bullshit where she was swallowing eager all the time.
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  She wasn't she wasn't following anger all the time.
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  I mean she was a different kind of person.
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  She was a more placating and you know more yes, honey type of
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  person internally. That's what a lot of estrogen
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  does it. Say yes, honey hormone.
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  I read that in a book about a menopause but you know this is
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  the same thing as the oft-repeated difference between
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  the honeymoon stage on the Of monogamy, the woman isn't
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  pulling a bait-and-switch by wanting to have a lot of sex
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  during the honeymoon stage, and then not her body changes.
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  Her biology changes. What seems like a lot of fun in
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  the courtship stage. No longer seems like a lot of
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  fun when your hormones aren't racing and your adrenaline isn't
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  pumping, so it's the same thing as how a woman will act so
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  different in her 20s or 30s versus her 40s or 50s.
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  This is just a biological change and of course, life experiences
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  amplify it, but they are Is a lot to be said for Pure biology,
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  you know like a woman who has her first baby when she's 20 you
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  know is frequently going to be a lot more worried than a woman
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  who has her first baby when she's 40.
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  I mean there's different worries obviously but you know a lot of
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  life experience and just aging can overall make you more
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  confident that you can deal with things as they come up and
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  young. People don't have this
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  confidence yet. Women don't have this
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  confidence, they frequently rely on men to give them the
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  confidence. Those guys are young, they don't
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  have any confidence either, but they usually have a lot of
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  testosterone that helps them power through even when they're
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  not confident, but as hormones kind of equalize between the
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  genders and like, the 40s and Beyond, you know, women are less
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  likely to just defer to their husband, because he has more
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  Bluster and more confidence. She has developed confidence as
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  well. And then she, as I've said, in
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  this podcast, she has less estrogen.
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  She had therefore Bubbly, you know, a different balance of
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  hormones that makes her more similar to him at this stage
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  then different, you know, and so when so there's a whole spectrum
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  of gendered behavior and teenagers act the most highly
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  gendered. So the girls are all like
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  clustered together, you know, doing you know, dealing with
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  fashion and makeup and boys. And then the boys are into like
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  fighting each other and getting drunk.
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  And there may be more of, you know, social overlap in.
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  You know later generations than earlier ones.
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  But overall this is a stage where if you're heterosexual
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  you're getting really into being whatever a man / woman means to
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  you and that's usually kind of a caricature of Highly gendered
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  stereotypic Behavior. That's going to be different
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  than what you feel. It is to be a man or a woman in
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  your 40s and Beyond as it should be because you've matured and
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  grown also as I'm saying your biology changes, a lot and you
• 15:24
  grow more psychologically. So if this podcast is
• 15:29
  interesting to you, please share it with your partner.
• 15:32
  It's something new to talk about is how I changing in my 40s.
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  I have a bunch of articles that I'm going to link to in the
• 15:41
  description about how women change in their 40s.
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  These are things to read as well.
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  But talk about it because if you are growing like less tolerant
• 15:50
  of your husband's bullshit and your mind and really I mean he
• 15:54
  may not be any different, you know, you just It's just same
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  again as the analog of the honeymoon stage versus the
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  later, courtship you may have changed to a point that
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  something that was okay, or even something that you looked up
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  2-0, his Bluster and his Brash confidence.
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  I really don't have that. I wish I did maybe now, you
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  know, you have enough of it. That you don't even need that.
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  And you kind of look down on it when he's to blustery or
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  abrasive in a way that you used to tolerate because at least he
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  was confident, which you didn't have.
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  So discuss this, you know, discuss among Wolves as I've
• 16:28
  said, repeatedly listening to podcast reading posts, all of
• 16:31
  those kinds of things. They're kind of like DIY couples
• 16:35
  counseling and you know, as with home project, if the DIY go
• 16:39
  spectacularly awry, or is really just not good at all, then you
• 16:45
  reach out to a professional, you know, I mean, I have my group
• 16:48
  practice, best life, Behavioral Health, you could reach out to
• 16:50
  me directly if you'd like to see me or there's like a million
• 16:54
  other therapists. Like this is this It's a big
• 16:57
  field here. I really got in on the ground
• 17:00
  floor. Something that exploded is
• 17:02
  really on Trend to go to therapy.
• 17:03
  So, if for nothing else, you know, go to be one of people who
• 17:07
  go to therapy. There's memes about therapy.
• 17:09
  Now, is really quite the Golden Age here for therapy.
• 17:13
  Anyhow, I hope you guys enjoyed listening, and please subscribe
• 17:17
  for link bonus content. I will definitely be recording a
• 17:22
  bonus episode, probably next. And who knows?
• 17:25
  I want to probably a be a About sex or parenting because they're
• 17:29
  all about sex, or parenting. All the things that we reckon
• 17:31
  with, in our homes at this stage of life, I will talk to you guys
• 17:35
  soon. Bye, bye.