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The Hidden Cost of High Functioning · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:07
  Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable woman recognizes what she's
• 0:15
  managing, understands the responsibilities that she's carrying,
• 0:21
  and chooses self-honoring over self-abandonment, and decides to continue,
• 0:28
  change, or release. I am Elle. I bring the mirror, the map, and the message. You
• 0:36
  choose how you show up in a way that honors your capacity. So let's lean in,
• 0:44
  learn, and evolve together. You guys are gonna want to see this next episode on
• 0:51
  Evolving with Elle. I am having a conversation with an emotional
• 0:59
  regulation expert. And Madhuri is so down-to-earth, and she makes things so
• 1:07
  real and relatable, that you're gonna want to check this episode out. I am
• 1:13
  super excited to see you as you look at this episode. And please, please, please
• 1:23
  just share it with others, because we all need the insight and the perspectives
• 1:32
  that Madhuri shares about awareness, the mind-body connection, being a whole human
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  being where everything's connected. What we think, what we feel, how it comes out
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  in our body, and the stories that we tell ourselves in our mind, which I call the
• 1:51
  movies of our mind, where we then begin to create, we use so much brainpower, so
• 2:00
  much energy. And Madhuri has a gift for you to help you take that energy
• 2:08
  back, and stop expending it on stuff that is not necessary. Okay? So you get to
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  conserve your energy, get some time back as well. There's some wonderful, wonderful
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  tips in here that, whether you are an employee or a parent, whatever role that
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  you have, you're gonna want to hear what Madhuri has to say. So check out this
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  episode. Thank you for Evolving with Elle, When Capable Women Carry Too Much.
• 2:43
  Hello! We are here, episode two, I mean, sorry, season two, and I have an expert
• 2:53
  here with me. Her name is Madhuri Garigipati, and please, Madhuri, if I
• 3:01
  butchered your last name, please pardon me. She is the owner and founder of Path
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  to Courage. And today, we are going to pick up where, you know, in episode one,
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  we were talking about the role that we were most proud of, like something that
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  we achieved that we hadn't celebrated yet. And I was sharing with you about
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  feeling like I was bragging and just this feeling within my body, right? So
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  that is where we're going to pick up with Madhuri. She is an expert on mind,
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  body, emotional regulation, and so much more. So with that being said, Madhuri,
• 3:49
  I will let you share about yourself. And as you share, what is one
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  accomplishment that you are proud to have achieved?
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  Hey, Elle, thank you. And it was a nice, kind introduction, wonderful introduction.
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  And I am an emotional wellness coach. I have worked in IT for 24 years and chose
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  to quit and start my coaching journey to serve in my community, where mainly they
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  are high achieving women and high achieving teens. I live in Bay Area,
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  Dublin, California, where competition, competition, high achieving fan
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  companies, both couples working at really big companies, and the kids are high
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  achieving. Each one is an innovator, a 22 year old kid owns a $50 million company
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  right now. So, but in all this, what I noticed is, there is immense amount of
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  stress. People are emotionally aware, but emotionally very fragile. They don't know
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  how to regulate their emotions. And there is a huge misunderstanding between
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  health functioning versus emotional well being. It's people are thinking is that
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  either this or that they are not realizing. So I quit my work two years ago
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  to say, I need to help people understand about emotions, how important they are in
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  our lives. And what is it that we can do? It's not it doesn't take another 90
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  minute course or class or something to do it. It's just 90 seconds, how you can
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  learn small tips and tricks to quickly regulate yourself and feel good in your
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  body and mind. So that is what I do. And I am a parent of 21 year old and a 14
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  year old. So I'm in the midst of all that teenage college, you know, yes,
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  high achieving and everything, everything is in the mix. So I have lived experiences
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  to share and mainly high functioning women who are I was a high functioning
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  woman. But how do you still manage all the responsibilities, the zillion
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  responsibilities unknowingly we do? Right? Like when you talked about, have
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  you are you proud of it yet? So we don't we are not proud of it, because we don't
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  see we feel that this is my responsibility, I need to do it. What is
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  there to be proud of? I'm a mother, I need to take care of my kids. That's a
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  great thing, right? So one thing I'm really proud of is having the courage to
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  quit it at the prime of my career. And voluntarily choosing to serve my
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  community as an emotional wellness coach.
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  I would be proud of that, too. And I'm so glad that we have met each other. And we
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  have so much alignment in what we are sharing. Because what I'm hearing you
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  talk about is the various roles that you have, and then the responsibilities
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  underneath those roles. And you're like, Oh, I haven't achieved everything yet. So
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  I'm not proud. But at the same time, there's still this accomplishment, this
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  choice that I chose to step out of what most people would say could have been a
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  stable career path to keep elevating on. And you're like, No, I have a bigger
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  vision for myself. And what fits me is supporting people in emotional
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  regulation. Is that accurate?
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  Yes, it is.
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  Okay, good. Awesome. So with that being said, Madhuri, you are helping with
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  emotional regulation. And what I want to tie it back to is, how does emotional
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  regulation impact the body? What does the body have to do with emotions?
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  So the big picture is the mind body connection. We so let's say, it's not
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  about so let's say an event, right? Some event happens. Correct. Two people
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  respond to it differently. The same exact event, but two people different
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  respond to it differently. Because it is not actually the event or incident that
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  happened is making us react. It is the meaning and the thought that we associate
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  with it. When a fact something happened, an incident happened, which is a fact it
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  happened. It is not in our dreams. It happened, it did happen. Then my mind
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  created a story towards it.
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  Right. And that story is based on my belief systems, my past experiences, my
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  current state, because if the same thing, if it happened yesterday, four
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  years ago, 10 years later, I would have reacted differently. It's not right. So
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  my current state, my belief system, my past experiences, it creates a certain
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  emotion in my body based on that incident.
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  Okay, that creates an emotion and that emotion creates a bodily response. That
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  emotion plus bodily response makes me react in a certain way. For example,
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  let's say my manager called me and said that, hey, Marjorie, we need to talk
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  tomorrow. It's a fact that he said, I need to talk to you tomorrow. The meaning
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  and everything I associate with it is Oh, something is wrong. I just heard about
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  hiring freeze. Is he calling me to say that I'm done? Right. Or he said he would
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  give me a promotion. Is he calling me to say that promotion is not on the page
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  even this year. So that is the meaning I associate with it. Because based on my
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  past experiences, I have seen the hiring freeze email, I have seen that layoffs
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  are in the plan. I have seen that some people phase one of layoffs is already
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  done. So this is nothing wrong. This is the meaning I associated with it. Right.
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  Now, because of that, how is my body? What is my emotion? I'm anxious. My I'm
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  not able to sleep at night, because tomorrow he's going to talk to me. And
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  I'm using all this time to cook up as many stories as possible, to elevate my
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  emotions as much as possible. And my body responses, my muscles, my tense, my
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  heart, right. Now, what was my reaction to it? What am I doing based on this, I
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  might call up one person who was laid off and say, Hey, what happened? What
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  actually happened when the manager called you? I want to be prepared. Or I
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  would call somebody else colleague and say, Hey, my manager asked us to come
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  like, what do I do? And based on who you are talking to? They might make this
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  situation worse or better. Right? Yes. So now my reaction is what is my reaction?
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  I do all these things, right? The same thing. Let's say you and I work in the
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  same team, you got a call. And you super chill. Oh, I think this might be about
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  the project I'm working on. He might be needing an update. Okay, I'll talk to
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  him tomorrow. And you'll go by your day. Yeah, same fact. Different journey. Yes.
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  Right. Yes. Now that is the mind body connection. Our body, our reaction is
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  dependent on how our mind is creating the stories. And when I'm saying creating
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  the stories, it is not meaning that everything is in my head.
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  Right? And what as Okay, let me I want to. Okay, I'm so excited about what
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  you're saying that I got to get my words. So what I call it is the movie of
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  my mind, right? And as you were sharing about that, that's two people who made
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  different choices about the same fact, where, in your example, I was like, okay,
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  he's gonna talk to me, let's just remain calm and not add a story to it. Let's not
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  add a narrative. And then another person could say, Oh, my gosh, I'm going to base
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  my emotions, I'm going to react based on not only my past experiences, but what
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  I'm currently seeing other people experience. So there's also that
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  comparison going on. And then a lot of times we don't, like our brains are
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  really and truly wired to protect us. And that's something else we get to keep in
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  keep in mind that some of our base instincts, snap reactions are because our
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  brains like, say, let's, let's just keep you protected and keep you safe first. So
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  it's not going to think about the all of the possibilities beyond just, I might
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  get laid off. I've seen people getting riffed, I asked for a promotion, I'm not
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  getting it. When we just breathe and emotionally regulate of which I know
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  we'll get there later, we can begin to think about just calming that bodily
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  response and talking to ourselves in such a way that we calm down. And we can
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  say, all right, that person that I just called, they were the ones that got laid
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  off. I am sorry for them, their fate is not my fate. Let me look at everything
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  that I've done. And know like, even if I do get laid off tomorrow, I've been
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  performing well, I am a catch. If somebody if I get laid off, I can find
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  another job or do what my friend Maidari did and figure out another path and
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  courageously take it. So that with that mind body connection, it's not mind over
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  here, body over here. It's mind body connection. We are that one person where
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  everything it's, it's like a system, you cannot separate the heart from the
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  circulatory system, right? So we get to stop separating our brains, and our
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  emotions and our body and our brains and all of that. It's, it's one system is what
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  I'm understanding you to say. Accurate? Is that accurate?
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  Yes. So our mind body is one unit. But oftentimes, we are not tuned into our
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  bodily responses. We don't say our mind is, our mind is triggering the body
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  response. Right? We don't, we are like, we treat our health problems separately to
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  what is happening to us. Yeah, oh, I have back pain. You know what, the moment I
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  think about work, I get severe back pain. The same day, if I take off from work, and
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  binge watch Netflix, same sitting, I'm sitting at work at desk, I can sit at the
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  same desk and watch binge watch Netflix, nothing will happen. If I'm sitting at the
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  same place and working for two hours, oh my god, my back is hurting. It always hurts
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  when I'm working. I don't know why it hurts when I'm working, not when I'm
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  watching TV, the same position, same number of hours. Do you see the difference?
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  We don't, we need to understand that is where the emotional awareness comes in,
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  where we need to understand, first become aware, we are just observing, we are not
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  changing anything. We are just observing because observation gives you awareness.
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  So actually, the act of sitting in my chair is not causing the act of thinking
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  about work, the burden of work.
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  Oh, I have to work today. I have this deadline to meet that and not even that
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  that meaning I'm giving to that, right? That is creating emotions in my body and
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  emotions of energy. Yes, they do. And based on that energy, your body is
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  responding. So that observation of Oh, instead, I can still do the work. I can
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  change the narrative. That is where I have a choice. I have a choice. Awareness
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  brings you choice. Often people say I'm a victim, right? I have to work. I don't
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  have a choice. Tomorrow, there is a release. I have to work every release, we
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  have work data. And you know what, every release something goes off. They put the
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  release on a Saturday morning, we work like crazy hours on Friday to make the
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  release happen. And we sit there, nothing works as planned, something goes
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  off, database goes off, systems goes off, network goes off. And we end up sitting
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  12 hours. I know tomorrow I'm sitting for 12 hours. You're already going there
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  with a mixed ball of emotions, angry emotions, frustrated emotions. And you're
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  wondering why your back pain started even before 16 hours of work started.
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  So I think an emotional regulation, a lot of people feel that emotional
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  regulation means controlling your emotion. Right? Emotional regulation
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  starts with awareness, not controlling. And often people talk about emotional
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  regulation after they are overwhelmed. Like, if I come and tell you, hey, I have
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  a big release tomorrow. And I'm already like, you know, my back is gone. And I
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  don't know how I'm going to sit and you are going to tell me, hey, calm down. I
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  know the release is going to get screwed up. Think positive. You telling
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  me to think positive, you telling me to calm down, you telling me to control my
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  emotions is not going to help because I am feeling those emotions. They are not
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  going to take the emotions away or how I feel.
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  So what helps?
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  So what helps is pause.
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  Pause. Okay. And pause, literally the word pause is, yeah, like, relax. Word is
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  world is not going to end now. Right? But when you're overwhelmed, what you can
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  think is you can, I have a pause framework, which is pinpoint the trigger,
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  like what is triggering me to act like this. Here, this is all observation mode,
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  we are not judging, we are not deciding anything right now, we are pinpointing
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  the trigger. When does my back pain, like, you know, escalate, pinpoint the trigger
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  and acknowledge the feeling. It is how do you feel right now? I feel so angry that I
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  have to sit every Saturday for releases. Why can't they do it on a weekday? It is
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  okay to feel whatever you're feeling. There is no right or wrong emotion.
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  So what if people don't know about emotions and feelings? Because from my
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  experience, I was raised in a home where everything was about the intellect, and
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  getting good grades, showing that you are meeting expectations of society, culture,
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  and what people like my parents and the household that created those expectations
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  and things. So I wasn't aware of feeling kind of words, and the difference between
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  an emotion and a feeling kind of thing. So what, how could you help someone know what
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  those are? And then with P, the pinpoint the trigger? What if people are like,
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  they're just getting on my nerves? And they can't really pinpoint the trigger because
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  they've never really and truly sat down to name what's observable. And things like
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  that as well. So I know that was a lot.
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  No, but I understand. I understand. So I think most of us were raised in a way where
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  our parents did not show emotions, or they thought emotions were weak. If you would
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  cry, that's a don't be so sensitive, don't be so weak, right? It is it is tied with
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  vulnerability is tied with weakness. Yes. But actually, vulnerability is courage. Not
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  everybody can be vulnerable with everyone. Of course, you need to find the person who
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  deserves to listen to you. Like, you cannot be vulnerable with everybody, right? I mean,
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  we need to find that person where we feel safe. First, you cannot be vulnerable. If
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  you don't feel safe with the other person, right? So how do how do I pinpoint the
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  trigger is first, if I say that, let's say you are my boss, Elizabeth mean boss, I'm
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  going to make you the mean person today. So whenever I come to work, let's say the
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  moment I think of our one on ones, I'm like, Oh, geez, today, Monday, 10 o'clock, I
• 21:54
  have one on one with Ellen, I know, she's such a mean person, she's going to dump me
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  all this work, like three people's worth of work, right? So here, who is the trigger?
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  Like L is the bad person, she triggers me, she's whenever I think of her name, like, I
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  get irritated. What we need to do is we need to say what about and do you see how she
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  laughs as if nothing has happened when we meet in the hallway. But the moment she comes
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  in the room with my one on one, that's it. She's like, Hey, do this, this, this, this,
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  like, am I a man or like a machine? Like, what am I like? Why is she not thinking that
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  this is a three people job? Right? Right. What I need to think is, I have to say what
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  is in my control here? And is L a bad person? Or I feel L is a bad person when she assigns
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  me more tasks than I'm capable of.
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  I like that granularity you just put in there.
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  When you do that, I am not triggered by it. If I don't do that, I'm just passing through
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  the hallway. We both, you came to drink the water and I came in. I cannot even stand looking
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  at her right now. I'm making this everything about you and about me and that existence
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  of you, right? Yeah. Instead, I can control it and keep the anger and frustration to the
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  meeting room itself. L is a bad boss in the meeting room. L as a person is very jovial.
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  She has a beautiful smile. She smiles in a very nice way. I love it when she talks to
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  me and says like, Hey, you have a beautiful top, something like that. She praises me.
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  Others are like, yeah, right. She says I'm wearing a good top. I'm looking beautiful
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  today. I know what this means. She's going to give me one more project. Or there is so
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  much behind those movies. Yeah. Yeah. Just going in the mind. Yeah. So I feel that whenever
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  anybody is triggering to us or any incident or any situation or any circumstance to see
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  what exactly is bothering us. That takes this big thing. You're compartmentalizing it.
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  You are boxing it into one box. Yeah. And then you have into small thing. We have control
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  over it. Yes. Now, what can I do about this? I can do something about this. I cannot. It's
• 24:14
  overwhelming to think of. Well, yeah, it is. Right. And then, yes. And the thing about when
• 24:20
  we make it smaller and we ask ourselves, what can we do about this smaller thing? It's
• 24:28
  still not about what I can do to convince or control or manipulate the other person.
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  It's like what's in my power to do in this situation. And when we make that smaller,
• 24:45
  we can think better about it. Right. And for those of us who probably didn't. We don't have
• 24:53
  that experience of knowing how to deal with the smaller things. I think that's where community
• 24:59
  comes into play, where you were saying, find a person that you are safe with, that you can be
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  vulnerable and bring this small item to and say, this is what I'm dealing with.
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  I need some perspective. I need some guidance. And that and with this being part of that pause
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  framework, a lot of people think pause just means, OK, let me just like when you pause a movie,
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  it's only for a second. But sometimes is pause also a little bit longer than just a couple of
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  seconds? Yes, it is. So basically what happens is, let's say your manager sent you an email.
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  Same thing, right? You sleep over the night. You write all the angry email you want.
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  I know what this is about. You can't even believe how much I've worked this last six months.
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  You write whatever you want, went out, but do not send the email.
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  Wait for 24 hours. Tomorrow morning, if you still feel the same,
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  then see what is the damage it will do. Then start analyzing, like, what is the consequence
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  if I send this email? But usually you are in a better state of mind than in the moment of anger.
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  The pause means it does not mean you are accepting bad behavior. It does not mean
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  you are in victim mode. It does not mean you're adjusting and settling for less.
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  It means that, see, remember you said my parents talked about only intellect, no feelings, right?
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  We all have an intellect. We have discernment capacity of what is good for me, what is not
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  good for me. But we don't have access to that intellect when we are bogged down by emotions,
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  whether you know it or not, if you're not aware of them, if you don't know how to interrupt the
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  pattern, right? Mind-body connection is awareness, understanding the pattern.
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  Emotional regulation means first understanding what emotions I'm feeling
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  and why am I feeling this? What is in my control? What is it that I can let go of?
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  What is one step that I can take? That is interrupting the pattern. Instead of saying,
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  you know what, just I have this one-on-one Mondays, 10 o'clock, my entire day is ruined.
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  I could say that, or I can say, what is one step? Okay, I came back. She gave me three
• 27:28
  impossible projects on top of the two I already have. So in pause, the thing is,
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  the you is understand their world. What is why are you like you are, I am pretty sure you have
• 27:42
  more than in life than to doing only like agenda for two days. Every manager has much bigger
• 27:50
  agenda than that. So understand their world. So there is a hiring freeze. She's not getting any
• 27:57
  resources. They said, you have to finish these three. And she says, my team and I have to do it.
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  If I try to understand your world, then I'll shift my approach. Hey, I know you gave me these three.
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  These are the current two I have. Maybe I can reduce the scope in all of them.
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  You, if you want all five, let's reduce the scope. Right now, that is my intellect speaking.
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  I have access to my intellect only when my, when I regulate my emotions,
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  if my let my emotions take over, I'm in constant victim mode. I'm in constant complaining mode.
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  I'm upset with you so upset that I don't even want to talk to you. I'll defer the topic until
• 28:38
  next Monday. And I haven't done much during this time and I'm overworking. What is the point?
• 28:45
  And I will not be able to do it anyway. Like it's not about just taking, taking and trying to do
• 28:50
  whatever. Right. Right. Right. So there's so much in there that you were talking about because
• 28:58
  in a question that I have is, is it better to get the emotion out or to suppress it?
• 29:13
  And let me say it this way. In my experience, I had a couple of miscarriages. Okay.
• 29:24
  And after my last one, I went home to my parents. It was close to my mother's birthday. My sister
• 29:35
  also came and she gave my mother a birthday card. And in that birthday card was a sonogram
• 29:45
  because my sister was pregnant and I am livid because everyone knew that what I had just
• 29:57
  experienced. So I, um, started crying of course. And I went into the restroom cause I didn't want
• 30:05
  to ruin all of that. And I had a conversation with my then spouse. He gave some good advice.
• 30:14
  I dried my tears and went out and we still play games. People, they were like almost walking on
• 30:25
  eggshells. But the thing that I had to do was I went into the restroom and I expressed out loud
• 30:33
  to my spouse, this was shitty. But again, that was me. That's how I felt in this situation.
• 30:43
  And it was almost like taking the joy out of the room as well. And it took me a little bit
• 30:51
  to really understand that that was my thing. And in understanding my sister's like, yeah,
• 30:59
  I'm glad that she was able, she didn't have the same experiences that I did. But in the moment,
• 31:06
  it was right. Like really truly about me, just to be honest with you, because that was a big
• 31:11
  emotion. Right. And I guess I like, I guess I'm thinking about how sometimes some people
• 31:21
  in that situation, they just swallow it and then, and never express. And then the next thing they
• 31:31
  know the person who angered them or the situation was about because they keep it this big and they
• 31:36
  make it small. That person can do one thing that's not even related. And someone just blows
• 31:44
  up about something that actually happened in the past. So when situations like that happen,
• 31:51
  either you're the one exploding or you're exploding upon the one being exploded upon
• 31:58
  what support someone in that situation. So this is where you need to understand based on
• 32:08
  the situation, right? We cannot change our external situations, we cannot change the
• 32:12
  external people, we have no control on you have no idea she would do that.
• 32:18
  So this happened because you haven't grieved enough. You are holding that grief for a longer
• 32:27
  time. You suppressed if it is not because about it is not at all about that particular situation,
• 32:32
  you suppressing the emotion or it is more than it is before that. How do you process the grief?
• 32:40
  This wouldn't have come and even at that moment, you would have felt of course anybody would feel
• 32:44
  like bad. You would just stepped out a little bit, taken a walk around the house or something,
• 32:49
  not like one hour walk taken up around the house and then you come back and okay, I'm fine.
• 32:56
  Right, and we were like, go ahead, because you didn't process the grief, right? So they basically
• 33:03
  should be suppress our emotions or should be let them out. It is not, it is not so binary.
• 33:09
  It's like explode, suppress. No, it is about that past thing again, where what is the meaning I'm
• 33:17
  giving to that fact. When you do this action, you are interrupting your pattern of, as you said,
• 33:25
  if we don't express it or observe it or address it, every time any baby trigger happens.
• 33:32
  Right? Instead, we are going to interrupt that pattern. That is where awareness and observation
• 33:38
  of what is the meaning I'm giving to incidents related to baby related to pregnancy related to
• 33:43
  miscarriage. Right? If somebody says, you know, how as a matter of fact, yeah, I had a miscarriage,
• 33:49
  but I'm glad I did because I had to go through some surgery after that. And then I had a healthy
• 33:54
  baby. And let's say they're talking as if it's a gift that that miscarriage happened. Right?
• 34:00
  Because I know my cousin, she had a surgery after that. And doctor literally said,
• 34:04
  it's a blessing that miscarriage was a blessing. Because this surgery was important for your body
• 34:10
  to be able to house another baby, probably. Right? So she might say, you know what, oh, my God,
• 34:16
  I feel miscarriages are a blessing. Let's say she makes that statement to you.
• 34:22
  Right? Yeah. Yeah. The thing is, that is her story. Any, any reality, everybody's reality
• 34:27
  is different. It definitely is. We don't have to get triggered by other people's reality,
• 34:32
  their reactions. It doesn't that is their world. It really is. Right? So many times, as people,
• 34:41
  and especially as women, we pick up and carry someone else's emotions, because we're like,
• 34:47
  oh, it's my child, if I don't pick it up, they won't know how to handle it. Instead of saying,
• 34:53
  hey, I'm learning how to emotionally regulate. Let me also train you on how to emotionally regulate
• 34:59
  at your age and stage. So that you won't have to be where I am at this age trying to do it,
• 35:08
  you can do it earlier. And you have the tools at an earlier age. Yes. So actually,
• 35:14
  we as high functioning, high achieving women are doing a disservice to our children
• 35:21
  by holding it all together.
• 35:25
  So before you say your next thing, can you please define what it means to be high functioning?
• 35:36
  So high functioning means you are trying to wear so many hats that you literally don't have to
• 35:41
  take many caps and assume that you're putting like a blue cap, a red cap,
• 35:46
  whatever, and each cap is your responsibility. Yeah, seriously, think of how ridiculous it will
• 35:53
  be to wear so many caps. Usually, if you think that way, we don't see we women have the capability
• 36:01
  naturally, like, like, you know, we have the capability to multitask, we were given that gift.
• 36:07
  But we Oh, boy, we take advantage of that. We take it to another level of multitasking.
• 36:15
  And then we have to meet all the deadlines to be a good employee, to be a good wife,
• 36:21
  in spite of all that I need to be able to do everything as a good wife, as a good mother,
• 36:26
  as a good daughter, as a good neighbor. Oh, my, my neighbor is sick. Let me make something and
• 36:31
  give it. Let me provide a meal train for them. Yeah, but accept that today, I cannot be a good
• 36:38
  neighbor. I have too much on my plate. Instead, I will give a subway gift card. That is something
• 36:48
  I can do instead of making home cooked meals. And hey, are you okay with subway? Are you okay?
• 36:54
  Right? No, no, no, no, I everybody's baking for the big sale. I have to bake I don't know how to
• 37:00
  make I make nasty brownies, but I have to be because other moms are giving me dirty looks.
• 37:08
  Did you store store bought those? Those are store bought cookies? Yes, I don't have time I buy from
• 37:13
  Costco. I don't even buy from some other place from Costco because I can afford only that.
• 37:21
  Right. So what I'm understanding high functioning to be modernity is, as I'm, as a person is
• 37:31
  operating in all the roles, and wearing all of those hats that associate with those roles, and
• 37:37
  then underneath all the hats are the responsibilities for that role. And it's all heaped on top of a
• 37:45
  person, ie when a capable woman carries too much, or is wearing too many hats. So
• 37:54
  we're saying that in order to be that good friend, the per that woman is saying to show that I'm a
• 38:03
  good friend, I have to make the the food and take it to them. And what I would say is that's an
• 38:12
  expectation. That's kind of enmeshed in being a good friend. Because what you were saying another
• 38:23
  option to be a good friend is give them a gift card. That's also a good thing. Or if you're
• 38:31
  a friend, you know, we're like what they like to eat. And you get that gift card and send it to
• 38:38
  them or door dash it. Because with with what I'm doing, we get to separate the role responsibility
• 38:50
  from the rigid rule, the expectation. And high functioning people, it sounds like they're
• 38:57
  enmeshed in they're trying to do it all. And it's a cost that they're paying to their emotional
• 39:05
  energy, to their body, to their mind, to their whole being, and to operate in high functioning,
• 39:12
  okay. And they're not realizing what they're doing internally to them. If you see most women who hit
• 39:18
  40, they are very capable at work, they are at a promotion level, they are having more responsibilities
• 39:24
  at work, their kids are teens, we obviously know teens are loving, caring, are wonderful, beautiful
• 39:31
  teens who take the, they will take to the point, right? Yes, emotional regulation, awareness,
• 39:39
  mindfulness works when it comes to teens. But this is why we talk. Yes. And the thing is,
• 39:47
  high functioning women are not understanding that well being from externally, they look all put
• 39:53
  together. They are here, they are there, they are everywhere. But that does not mean they are well,
• 39:58
  they're emotionally well, they are not realizing what is happening to them
• 40:03
  emotionally. So behind all that workload, we need to see, are you okay?
• 40:10
  Yeah, am I okay? And what it does to for me to be okay, I can delegate things, I need not be
• 40:18
  perfect. Oh, I am the only one who can do everything well. So I will do it. No, it's okay. If your
• 40:24
  kid does a crappy job of loading the dishwasher, but they come out of dishwasher, but they're still
• 40:30
  dirty. But it is okay to learn. Right? Right. They're making right, they will learn if you
• 40:37
  don't let them do it. How are they going to do it and ask your older kid if they can drop the younger
• 40:42
  kid to classes? Yes. Oh, you are witnessing that they are not going in time. You're not going it
• 40:50
  not out of the door yet. It's tense. You have to be out of the door. No, see, I always take them 10
• 40:55
  minutes ahead of them. They are not you. Let them be. It is okay to feel imperfect, but it will give
• 41:02
  you one hour of time at home instead of you driving them half an hour class coming back. That one
• 41:07
  hour. Guilt free guilt. Yes. Guilt free. It's okay. It's okay. So for me, I always tell everybody
• 41:20
  that there are three things, right? Mind body connection gives you the awareness. It basically
• 41:27
  helps you understand the patterns. What are the patterns you're stuck in? Yes. The emotional
• 41:34
  regulation, emotional regulation does not mean not having emotions. We are all human. We always
• 41:39
  have emotions. We are not robots or we are not angels or gods. We are human. We are imperfect.
• 41:44
  We have emotions, but to quickly come out of those emotions, not sitting in them forever.
• 41:50
  That is emotional regulation. So emotional regulation is where pause comes in like pause
• 41:56
  and see what is the meaning I'm attaching to the fact.
• 42:01
  And what is it? The pause helps you from what actually happened to how I'm reacting that
• 42:08
  reacting. Can I respond instead of with the choice that is what the pause helps you with.
• 42:13
  So that, that emotional regulation interrupts the pattern. And then the emotional wellbeing
• 42:21
  helps you change your behavior. And you practice that pause. It helps you change your behavior
• 42:30
  towards triggers because we can never control what is outside of us, but we can always control
• 42:37
  what can we do? Do I have a choice? And with choice comes the freedom, that emotional freedom.
• 42:43
  Am I tied up to the emotions and let them go wild? And Oh, you know, I'm an angry person,
• 42:48
  no person is an angry person. They get angry when certain things happen. You do something
• 42:56
  come late, you don't respond. So we, instead of making that our identity, don't make emotions,
• 43:02
  your identity, identify when certain things happen. And with that awareness, try to see,
• 43:10
  I have a choice right now and become emotionally free and emotionally free does not mean I don't
• 43:17
  feel emotions. If you slap me, I'm going to get mad and slap you back. But does not mean I'm like,
• 43:24
  Oh Zen. Okay. You can do whatever you want. No, no, no, no, no, not a doormat. No, not a
• 43:30
  doormat. Actually having that emotional freedom was very empowering. It's, there is this calm
• 43:36
  composure within you that oozes confidence that I'm telling you, nobody will dare take care of
• 43:42
  you, take advantage of you. That is what, that is all comes with practice, right? That practice
• 43:49
  helps you become a very calm. And the thing is you are not attached to the outcome of things.
• 43:54
  Tomorrow deadline is they're fine. If it happens, happens. Otherwise you are not all crazy about it.
• 44:00
  You're not worried and fear, fear does not drive your life. Right? So that kind of attachment to
• 44:08
  outcome reduces when you learn to emotionally regulate yourself. This is so awesome, Madhuri,
• 44:18
  everything that you have shared with us today. And you know, I could keep talking to you forever
• 44:25
  because I love this topic. I love how your approach to it. And it's it to me, it's touchable.
• 44:33
  It's real because you are giving examples, not only in the role of being an employee,
• 44:39
  but also in being a parent and allowing our children just to, to learn because I love how
• 44:47
  you say, Hey, if it was on me, I could have, I, they need to be out the house 10 minutes sooner,
• 44:53
  but by letting them go at the time they are choosing to go, they get to experience the result
• 45:00
  of that choice. So, and as, and that's what I talk about when we carry something that doesn't
• 45:09
  belong to us, we're trying to force our children out and we're getting upset and save your energy
• 45:17
  to guilt-free have that hour, sit on the couch and watch TV to just to veg out and freaking breathe.
• 45:27
  And before you transition to the next thing. So what I would like to transition to is what is
• 45:36
  the, cause you've talked about it earlier. The pause framework is that part of the gift
• 45:45
  that you would like to extend to the, our listening audience.
• 45:49
  Yes. So I have two gifts for your audience, the same framework. It's like a journal kind of thing.
• 45:56
  I'm going to give one for relationships, like any relationship you have. So I have that. And
• 46:04
  then I have one for strictly for parents, then your kids. So I'm going to give those two gifts
• 46:11
  and I am pretty sure you will provide with them. It's going to be in the show notes. Yes. Yes.
• 46:16
  So I'm going to give you those two things. Those are the gifts I want to give your audience where
• 46:21
  it is a practice, like print it out. And actually you put it on your fridge. It's not just for you.
• 46:27
  It's for the entire family. And your kids will start mocking you. It's like, what you have to be
• 46:32
  pinpointing the trigger right now. My kids do that. Oh, are you pinpointing the trigger? They
• 46:36
  joke about it, but they will make it part of their life. That is a beautiful part. So it is not just
• 46:42
  for women. It's for everybody in the house, your neighbors, whoever comes put it on the fridge.
• 46:46
  It's like an artwork, like pause. Yes. And is it something that we could also color?
• 46:53
  If that's something that helps us, I love color. So thank you so much Madhuri for sharing with us
• 47:03
  about emotional regulation and being whole in mind and body. So that is super awesome. And
• 47:13
  everyone who was listening, please check out the show notes. And this will also be in the vault
• 47:19
  for the inspired speaker podcast. Thank you again, Madhuri. Thank you. Thank you. And it
• 47:25
  was really awesome having this conversation with you. Thank you. Thank you. That was a wonderful
• 47:33
  conversation that we had with Madhuri. And as she shared about the mind body connection,
• 47:43
  I would like to say that what I call it is your body mind set, because we talk so much about
• 47:52
  having the right mindset, the right mindset. I think we also need to have a body mindset,
• 48:01
  like together as Madhuri was sharing with us about the mind and the body.
• 48:09
  So, and as she was sharing about that, she shared about emotional awareness before regulation.
• 48:17
  And I want to encourage you to look online and do a search for emotions to where you can get a list
• 48:28
  of emotional words, get a list of feeling words, because if you don't know what it is,
• 48:38
  and you can't name it, it'll be hard to regulate it. So that is something I want to encourage you
• 48:46
  to do. And as capable women, when we carry too much, we get into, we can get into that space
• 48:59
  of being high functioning. When that word was used with me, I thought that it was a good thing to be
• 49:06
  high functioning. And then a mental health professional said, no, you really don't want
• 49:12
  to be called high functioning. And I was like, really? And when I had that insight of not wanting
• 49:23
  to be labeled as high functioning, because as Madhuri was sharing, when we are high functioning,
• 49:30
  that means that something else underneath the surface is not being tended to. So we could be
• 49:39
  high functioning at work, high functioning as a parent. And underneath, who isn't getting attention?
• 49:50
  You. You as the person, you're not getting attention. And you deserve attention too. You
• 49:57
  deserve to be able to pause and take time out guilt-free, shame-free, judgment-free
• 50:07
  from yourself and from others. Just take time for yourself. It is okay. And taking those small
• 50:15
  moments to do the practice of the pause framework, have it in your vision, like your actual vision
• 50:25
  to where you can see it and begin to practice the P, the A, the U, the S, and the E.
• 50:34
  It is a magnificent tool. So please check it out in the show notes.