Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 686: How To Make Your Avoidant Ex Miss You

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Episode 686: How To Make Your Avoidant Ex Miss You · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  To understand how to make an avoidant miss you, you first
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  have to understand how avoidance look at interpersonal
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  relationships. If you have an anxious
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  attachment style, it will be the total opposite of how you look
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  at relationships, which is probably why your avoidant
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  pulled away or broke up with you in the 1st place.
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  So how can you make them miss you and want you back?
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  Stay tuned and you'll find out. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
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  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier? Well, if you have and you've
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  downloaded my app Silencio, then you've also given me either a
• 0:48
  review or a rating, right? And the link to that is
• 0:53
  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you 2 would like to join our no contact army, all you
• 0:59
  have to do is hit the subscribe button and the found
• 1:04
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:08
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  you purchase the book. And the link to that is also
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  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  So when people first hear about the avoidant attachment style,
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  they mistakenly think that it means that avoidance avoid
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  relationships and don't want to be in relationships.
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  And that's just not true. They do want to be in
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  relationships, however they do not want to have 100% intimacy
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  within that relationship. They'll only let you go so far
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  before you hit a wall that you just can't seem to get past, and
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  if there's an issue they would prefer to withdraw or avoid
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  discussing it. They find it hard to trust
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  someone 100% and they definitely do not want to be dependent on
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  their partner. Both male and female avoidance
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  see themselves as strong, independent, autonomous and
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  self-sufficient. And this is because when they
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  were a child their Co work. Not Co workers, their
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  caretakers, maybe their Co workers.
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  No, no, their caretakers weren't there for them and even if they
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  were there physically, they weren't there for them.
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  So they had no choice but to become independent and depend
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  only on themselves. So trying to make an avoidant be
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  less independent and more intimate will always be met with
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  resistance. Look at it this way, their
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  independence and self-sufficiency is similar to
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  the security blanket or the teddy bear that most of us had
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  as children. Being alone and independent is
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  their security blanket, their teddy bear.
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  And if you try to take away a child's blanket or bear, they
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  will kick and scream and yell and fight.
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  They will fight you. So the same happens with an
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  adult who has an avoidant attachment style.
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  By trying to get them to move too quickly or be intimate
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  beyond what they are currently capable of, you will get the
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  same reaction. Except as an adult, they may not
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  kick and scream, at least I hope not, but they will pull away and
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  ignore you. So keep this in mind as we
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  discuss how to make an avoidant miss you.
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  Now, I haven't mentioned this before, and that is to post less
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  on social media. Usually I say to not change any
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  of your posting habits. But when you're dealing with an
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  avoidant, posting less will actually work in your favor
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  because they're going to be expecting you to post a lot to
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  try to get their attention. And when you don't, they won't
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  get the dopamine hit they would usually get from seeing your
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  posts, and you'll also be a mystery to them.
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  And avoidance love mysteries. So by posting less, this allows
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  them to miss you sooner rather than later.
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  And avoidance can't really miss you until you're actually gone
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  and they think they've lost you. I'm sure you've heard this
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  before, so if you're listening to this, you probably have an
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  anxious attachment style. So it's going to be hard for you
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  to just let go and disappear because whenever someone pulls
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  away or breaks up with you, your first instinct is to run towards
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  them and to talk to them and to try to fix it and work things
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  out. But for avoidance, it's the
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  total opposite. They want to get away from you
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  for the reason which I explained above, and once they feel that
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  they're safe from you reaching out and trying to get them back,
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  that's when they'll finally be able to relax enough to finally
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  start missing you. That's why it's important to go
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  into no contact sooner rather than later, especially if you're
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  dealing with an avoidant ex. When you leave your ex alone,
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  there's no chance of you triggering them with what they
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  perceive as needing us. You're not asking to talk about
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  things, you're not trying to get close.
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  You've completely vanished. So they can go back to their
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  baseline, to how they felt before they were triggered and
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  felt the need to get away from you.
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  And only once they get back to that place can they start to
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  miss you. That's why the two drink trick
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  works so well. And if you don't know what that
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  is, basically what you do is you post a photo or a video of
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  usually 2 drinks. It can be two plates at a
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  location, a restaurant, a bar, and you want to make it look
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  like you're on a date. But they can't know for sure,
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  right? You could be out with a
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  girlfriend or a guy friend, but people are going to of course
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  jump to conclusions and assume you're on a date.
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  So with an avoidant, this can go either way in the sense that
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  they'll realize that you're gone because you've moved on and are
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  seeing someone else, and they will start to miss you.
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  Or they'll realize that you're gone and have moved on and
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  there's no point in thinking about trying to get you back.
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  Don't freak out. So what determines what reaction
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  they'll have? Well, as usual, it's their
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  interest level and how much of an ego they have.
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  So if they have a big ego and they're very interested, it'll
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  be a challenge for them to get you back.
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  A challenge in the sense that they will happily take it on.
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  It's like what? They're not going to date
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  someone else, I'm getting the back.
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  However, if they're not that interested and they're not that
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  confident or don't have that big of an ego, then they'll think,
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  well, there's no point in trying to get them back.
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  So you have to think about which category your ex would fall
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  into. And also timing is very
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  important with the two drink trick.
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  You can't do it too soon or they'll see it as a ploy to get
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  them back and they won't believe that you found someone else that
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  soon. Or they'll think you had someone
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  else all along and now they don't trust you so why would
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  they want you back? Because trust is very important
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  for avoidance. So you want to wait at least two
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  months and the reason for that is because of the 60 day no
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  contact rule which I talked about in my video of the same
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  title and I will put the link in the right hand corner on
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  YouTube. We want to give them a chance to
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  reach out to you. And if they don't, then two
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  months is a respectable amount of time for someone to start
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  dating and start moving on. They can't accuse you of having
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  someone else because you're posting drinks at least two
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  months after the breakup. You're not posting them two days
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  or two weeks later, right? And you also need to give them
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  time to date other people and see that they cannot replace
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  you. You're not easily replaceable,
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  and in the meantime, you've done no contact.
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  They haven't heard from you, they haven't found anybody else.
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  So it's a lot easier to miss you, especially if they've just
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  been dumped by someone else. So finally, I'm going to say
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  that you have to give them the time to start fantasizing about
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  you again and to romanticize you and your time together.
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  And if you're having a hard time with that, as most anxiously
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  attached people do, I suggest you read the book Anxiously
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  Attached by Jessica Baum. If you're watching this on
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  YouTube, the link is underneath. And if you find you still need
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  more help than I would suggest you also consider therapy.
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  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
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  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 9:48
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 9:51
  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 9:55
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe, and
• 9:57
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:59
  podcast, the best way to help is to download the episode.
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  Okay. And in the meantime, remember,
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  love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.