Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Scarcity Mindset

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Scarcity Mindset · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show
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today, I had a reader request from my Facebook group which you
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should all be part of. So you get to interact with me
0:16
more and request, what you want to hear about and they wanted
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something on scarcity mindset which means when you think that
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there's never enough of everything.
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So you act really competitive in order to get the limited
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resources that are around and I'll talk about how that
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manifests and relationships and in Every Which Way as soon as I
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tell you to subscribe because I have a lot of subscriber, only
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So please do subscribe so that you do not miss the boat on.
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On learning so much more about yourself and your partner and
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your family Etc. All right.
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So, scarcity mindset is a big thing in the, in the blog, in
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the manosphere and the blogs written by men and it's talks
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about what it refers to is. Kind of the idea that there's
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never enough and it's specifically usually in this
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context talked about in relation to sex.
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So, when a man doesn't feel Like there are enough women that he
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will get one or enough sex on offer that he can have sex.
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Then he act in, you know, kind of unhelpful ways but which he
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thinks are helpful and adaptive in order to get the sex but
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where the women but usually end up not working out and making
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him feel really insecure. Etc.
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So what's an example, in case you've never heard of this, so
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let's say a man thinks that he can barely ever have sex with
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his wife. Only sometimes and of course
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this may be true or maybe less true that he thinks you know,
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and I'll talk about that in a bit.
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But if he does think that he only has these very very few
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opportunities than whenever he hugs her or she goes over to
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kiss him or to hug him or even to say hello or anything.
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He may try to grab her boob or grab her ass during the hug or
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whatever and basically it's a huge turnoff and makes her feel
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really like, you know, like she could never be close without a
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Get to sex. Of course, it never really does
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turn into sex. So then guys are like why does
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she always think that? But like you still don't like
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having your boobs grabbed. I mean, I don't really think men
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can understand that because they would love to have their penises
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grabbed but I'll tell you I'm a woman women don't like this.
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You know, if you're with a woman who really does like this,
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you're either 25 and which case thank you for listening.
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You're a new demographic or she's lying or you have a
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unicorn and should send her like 5,000 roses right now.
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But the average woman with in monogamy, as she ages,
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especially does not like this and most women never like this.
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So, so here are so that's an example of how somebody was
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scarcity mindset, who says, I have to have to grab on
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literally to this opportunity because it's going to pass me by
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ends up, making it less likely in fact that he will ever have
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the opportunity again because she's going to stop hugging him
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in addition to stop having sex with him and there are ways that
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most men and couples. Sling, learn that you actually
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can have more sex. They involve being nicer being
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more. Vulnerable, being more open,
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being more assertive and direct. I mean, you know, lots of ways
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that I talked about, which I can, which I could talk about in
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context of it, being the opposite of how guys act was
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scarcity mindset, which I'll get to the way that guys would act,
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when they feel like women don't like them.
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And there's only, so few options is, obviously they go for an
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option that they don't really want.
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And they settle for the first woman to give them any attention
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because they feel like they're so few women to go around and so
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few women that are ever going to like them.
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And then, of course, they end up unhappy in their marriage
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because they always know that they settled, and they always
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are pining and yearning for not, maybe specifically other women,
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although that can happen. But this other kind of life that
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they could have had where they were in deeper love, or had a
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deeper bond with the woman that they were with versus feeling
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that they had to pick a woman, just based on their Limited, And
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a lot of guys who have this mindset, think of it as like
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this kind of like economic Market related.
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Hyper-rational mind said, but invariably it's linked to
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Childhood trauma and men who are equivalently into econ but don't
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have childhood trauma usually don't think like this.
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And so, as you know, if you are an avid listener of the doctor,
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psych mom show which everybody needs to be, then most things go
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back. To your family of origin because
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that's where you learn, the patterns of the templates with,
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which you make sense of the world and so why would a person
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feel like there's never going to be enough.
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You could pause, pause the podcast, pause it and see if you
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can. Guess if you've been listening
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for 200 plus episodes, you probably should be able to guess
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what? In your family of origin, what?
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Sorts of behaviors by a parent. What sorts of environmental
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factors would make it more likely that?
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That a man would perceive that there are so few and limited
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opportunities that he must do anything in his power to get
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them. Go pause.
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All right, I'm back. Should have paused it.
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So obviously to me or should be obvious to you.
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I bet a lot of you did get this right?
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It would be an environment where there's never enough like, yeah,
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no shit. Like, that's what would teach
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you. There's never enough love,
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there's never enough patients frequently.
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There's not enough money frequently.
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There's not enough physical affection there could, in fact
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be not enough food, you know, and the neglect could be
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emotional, it could be physical, but either way, there is never
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enough. There's never enough.
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And that is a feeling that children have, you know, they've
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internalized, it's so deeply that they can't really imagine
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that there's other people in the world that do feel like there
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are enough of things. And another good thing is right
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around the corner, you know, and this is something that I really
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try to teach my own kids because I've seen so much how how the
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scarcity mindset can really crippled people.
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And of course, I grew up in a dysfunctional.
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Actual family myself, which I mentioned periodically but it so
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I had more of it to you know, they're like there's never going
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to be enough. Like you're never going to meet
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the right guy and you're never going to have like a good
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relationship and like I thought like this all the time and I
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realized later in life that not everybody thinks like this and
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it wasn't because like those girls were like prettier cooler
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or something is because like they had access to like
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constant. And calm parents Who provided a
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secure base and unconditional love, you know, in a way that
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people who grew up in dysfunctional families don't
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have. So I, for example, growing up as
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a teenager with thing, oh, I have to get a boyfriend, I have
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to get a boyfriend if I don't, I'm going to be alone.
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I'm gonna be the only one without a boyfriend, you know,
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and girls, who looked just the same as me or, you know, worse
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even Then, you know, could have been like, oh, what happened,
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you know, it'll happen as Mom and Dad says, you know, I'll
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meet somebody, they didn't meet each other.
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So they were in college or like whatever the fuck.
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They're you know, functional happy mom and dad said, you
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know? So I really try to inculcate
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that in my kids and be like, with everything.
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Like, you know what, another good thing is just around the
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corner, you know, like if this friend isn't Friends With You,
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other friends will come along. You know, if this boy doesn't
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like you back, another boy will etc, etc, because it's something
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that I never heard, you know, because my parents were super
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anxious. They didn't think like that.
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And they certainly did not provide a kind of secure Comm
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home environment in which such a thing could ever be really even
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Envision such a philosophy. So, the people of the scarcity
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mindset felt that they never got enough, their parents were also
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extremely negative anxious, rigid people likely that
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constantly narrated these stories.
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Were they were getting the short end of the stick.
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So I've talked about this before, in terms of
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dysfunctional families where the parent is always like they have
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these real like biblical stories almost not not you know,
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definitionally biblical but it's always like a victim and
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perpetrator David and Goliath. And I, my favorite example, is
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the bank. I went to the bank today.
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You know what they told me. They said they didn't have
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change. Do you know what I said to them?
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And, you know, I ended up getting my change.
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What I went to the manager like you Recognizes, if you grew up
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with it, like, there's always a bad guy like, like person.
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Going to the bank turns into this fucking David versus
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Goliath tale of like, whoa. And if that's what you grow up,
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listening to, and then of course, you see your parents
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fighting, like animals. And then you see everybody in
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your house is fighting because it goes down from how the
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parents act out the kids and sibling Zach.
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Then you think my God, the world is, this dog-eat-dog place.
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There's never enough resources people.
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Are out to get you at every turn.
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I really have to be quite Savvy and Scrappy to survive, whereas
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people that are having exactly your same skillset.
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Exactly. Your same.
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Looks exactly your same intelligence level, right?
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They think, oh, good shits gonna happen to me.
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Good stuff happens. You know, happens all the time,
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you know. So I don't have this
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opportunity, I'll get another one that girl didn't like me.
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Oh well, you know, another one will.
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And while another thing that's very interesting is of Who do
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you think writes all the rock songs emo used to be called
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alternative, anxious, depressed and people, right?
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I mean these are artists. So when you're a look, a young
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woman or man, and you're listening to these love songs on
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the radio, you think? Oh my God, everybody does want
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to kill themselves with their relationship, works out.
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But the functional people are like, oh that's radio, that's
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songs songs are different, you know, that in real life.
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And this is an interesting thing that I didn't.
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Eli's until you know, beyond the time when it was shaping my
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ideology of course in concert with my upbringing is that other
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people with more functional relationship, upbringings do not
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think that like a Nirvana song, like replicates how you're
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supposed to think about the world, you know?
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And so when you're a teenager and you're developing your
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theories about the world, and your hormones are turning God,
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and then you're hearing these songs and your parents are
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acting like To takes. Yeah, everything seems very
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fraught, you know? And so within that context, one
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rejection can feel extraordinarily overwhelming and
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overly personal and like, you'll never get over it.
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And you need to figure out an entire different way of being.
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So that, that never happens again.
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And you don't think boy, I would think totally differently.
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If I was my friend, Jimmy, whose parents seem to hug each other,
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you know, then I wouldn't think about this as, like, the end of
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the Universe, like, I do this girl didn't want to go to prom
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with me or what have you so anyhow.
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So when people move into adulthood with their scarcity,
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mindset, scarcity mindset. Sorry, they also do this with
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jobs where they're always seeing, like I just did a
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podcast on toxic workplaces. You know, these are the people
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who see toxicity everywhere and people are out to get them and
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they gotta be, you know, Valiant and Scrappy to impress the boss.
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So just like all this crazy dramatic shit that like, Is a
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function of your lens through which you view the world, which
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was it internalize at a very young age by exactly what you
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observed around, you. It isn't reality, you know.
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And then of course, unfailingly if you think this way about the
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world that everything is negative and nobody really will
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ever love you and you have to fight your hardest to get your
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tiny little scrap of the pie. Then who do you end up marrying?
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Somebody who doesn't really like you that much.
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That's confirmation bias. So somebody was not deeply in
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love with you. Therefore does not.
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Sacrifice much for you. And it's kind of selfish and you
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know, probably honestly, you didn't like the much either
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because you felt that you had to settle and so you settled, they
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probably settled like goes to, like as I always talk about
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assortative mating and secure attachment goes to insecure
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attachment. And so you end up in a bad
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marriage, which replicates more than you'd like to think of your
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parents. And then you, you conclude.
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Well, look happen to my parents happened in my marriage.
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And now I, I see truly that the world is a shithole.
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No. All it means is that you did not
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really work on truly objectively, understanding that
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you are co-creating currently a similar environment to the one
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that you grew up in because you have no alternate template and
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have not done enough work to understand all of the
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assumptions and all of the expectations that you have due
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to the way that you were raised. So in these situations, for
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example, a man will assume that his wife is not really going to
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To be that kind to him. So he will act and defensive and
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self-protective ways may be sarcastic maybe cold something
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like that which then of course ensures that she won't be very
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nice and open with him because he's not being very nice and
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open. She will not be vulnerable
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because he's not being vulnerable and on her and it's
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likely the exact same story. Both of these people in theory
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could be cured or helped by being with somebody who is more
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secure and healthy but such people would not be drawn to
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them. And where would they be drawn to
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such people? Because those people would not
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confirm their subconscious view about the world and it's
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extremely uncomfortable to experience cognitive dissonance.
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So when people learn a way of viewing the world, they tend to
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act in ways that make that confirmation come true again and
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again and again and something called reenactment.
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So if you are somebody who has this kind of competitive,
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defensive kind of Scrappy survivalist perspective on
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relationships that At that you may tell yourself is rational or
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I mean you know obviously even economics or rational I mean we
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are not we are not rational actors, you know the markets are
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not rational but the the point is here is in reality.
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It likely goes back far into your family of origin and with
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different ways of viewing the world you could go back and be
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like, oh, it's very similar experiences, identical
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experiences when perceived Somebody that did not have my
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dysfunctional. Family would have been thought
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not to have been so horrible and to have, you know, shaped
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everything. So, for example, I asked a girl
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out to prom and she says, know if I saw a loving marriage at
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home, I would have been like, guess she didn't like me.
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Well, that's sad. I guess maybe I'll ask somebody
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else but of course, the way that I was trained to view things, it
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was just yet. Another humiliation somehow, she
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led me on to think she would go with me but she didn't and they
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should always happens to me because it happens to everybody
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and this is Is just garbage. And I have to make sure that I
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never put myself in such a humiliating circumstance Again
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by X Y or Z or like all the women, similarly, they don't use
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scarcity scared. I can't talk today.
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They don't use scarcity mindset but they'll say all men are
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assholes men are not assholes. Let's be reasonable as soon as
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they have a son. By the way, they already are
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like, oh except for him but if all men are assholes, I mean,
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how are there? So many nice kind men.
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In the world who you can see around you, if you take off that
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lens, that you can see the world through, because honestly, your
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father's probably an asshole at no fault of his own, he probably
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got beaten as a child. This is the story that I hear
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constantly, but the point being that, the women who say all guys
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are assholes and therefore, I guess I had to settle for this
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one that kind of treats me like shit, that isn't real.
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There would have been plenty of guys.
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Had you waited a little longer done more work, on yourself,
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been more pleasant bin. Less, anxious been less
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depressive, been less negative about men, etc, etc.
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There would have been plenty of healthy men.
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Had you done that? Internal work, grown up in a
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healthy home Etc, that you could have met, then the had a healthy
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relationship with. But because you are picking
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what, you know, yes, everybody that you're gonna be with is
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gonna be an asshole. And until you truly understand
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the strength of this lens through which people view
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things, and how it can make everything.
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You seem different than it is then truly, you will still think
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that everything is scarce. Resources are limited.
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I will, I have to, you know, beat out, everyone else to win.
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Instead of being like, Oh, there's lots of nice, women /
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men in the world. I'm going to work on myself.
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I'm going to find one, you know, that I'm going to be open and
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kind and honest and real, and they're going to be the same and
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that is how things work. And if I would have grown up in
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a different house, I would know that.
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So I am going to do the work of repairing myself, going to
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therapy. Thinking deeply about these
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things, exploring alternate lenses through which to view the
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world and saying to myself. You know, what if I grew up in a
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different house, I didn't. But if I did, I would know to
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say to myself things work out you'll be okay.
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She's probably having a bad day. It's not you at cetera Etc.
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So I'm gonna have to learn that stuff like a whole second
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language and that's not fair but then again you know it is
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certainly better than sitting around saying, it's not fair
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would be to learn Turn different and more.
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Adaptive viewpoints which therapist can help you with.
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That's one of the big thing, therapist can help you with is
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what is normal. What is a healthy way to respond
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to this situation? If I feel humiliated in the
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context of a childhood that was constantly humiliating?
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Should I feel humiliated? Would other people feel
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humiliated or is this a leftover from?
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My upbringing would other people feel scarcity, and not enough
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right now? Or is this a Hallmark of my
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upbringing that I can learn to read?
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Frame and to see this situation a lot more objectively.
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So anyway, I hope this was useful about scarcity mindset
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but it obviously delved into the larger idea of that how we are
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raised shapes Us in Myriad ways, that we don't even really
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understand until we start the Deep work of trying to parse it
19:05
out and seeing at any moment. Everything that you think is
19:09
colored by how you were raised. If you were raised in an anxious
19:14
home, if you were Raised in a depressed home.
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If you were raised in a chaotic volatile home with substance
19:19
abusers, so in an unpredictable Holman and angry home, this is
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always going to influence the lens through which you view the
19:25
world. Unless you specifically, try to
19:29
do the Deep work of removing this lens.
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Looking at it for what it is, understanding, the root causes
19:35
of it and trying on Alternate view points until you get to
19:38
ones, which actually help you in the world.
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Instead of making you feel alone and angry, Re and like a victim.
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All right, talk to y'all suit. Hope this was useful.
19:51
Please do subscribe, follow me on Tick.
19:52
Tock bye-bye.