Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 222. Sex is the last thing I feel like… I’m drowning in motherhood - HELP!

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222. Sex is the last thing I feel like… I’m drowning in motherhood - HELP! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apoche production a easier advice. Are you okay what happened?
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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
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Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
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Speaker 2: Welcome back to our Besties segment.
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Speaker 1: We're super excited to be here today.
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0:36
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Speaker 2: You can find the link in the description of the
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Speaker 2: take it away.
0:45
Speaker 1: Actually, holright, I've got quite a big one. I think
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Speaker 1: this is going to be very relatable to a lot
0:49
Speaker 1: of people who've been in long term relationships feeling a
0:52
Speaker 1: bit lost, bit stale, maybe had a baby. This one's
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Speaker 1: that's a big one. All right, here we go. Let's go. Hello,
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Speaker 1: my beautiful big sisters slash at Besties. That's so cute. Firstly,
1:03
Speaker 1: I want to say, you guys are so amazing at
1:04
Speaker 1: brings light to every day struggles we're all going through.
1:07
Speaker 1: I have a question for you guys. I believe I
1:09
Speaker 1: might have some serious postpartum depression and care is burnout
1:13
Speaker 1: my partner. I've been together for almost ten years and
1:15
Speaker 1: we used to have such an amazing relationship. All our
1:17
Speaker 1: friends are always in awe of how strong and happy
1:19
Speaker 1: together we are together. We've done a lot of exploring
1:22
Speaker 1: together sectually, had a lot of fun times with other
1:24
Speaker 1: girls together, traveled Australia three times in our bus own
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Speaker 1: a house together, block a land together, and have two
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Speaker 1: little girls together. Busy, busy. The issues come from I
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Speaker 1: believe I have postpartum depression and severe care is burnout
1:36
Speaker 1: from my non verbal autistic daughter. I can't work as
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Speaker 1: i'm her full time care and I'm now also a
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Speaker 1: stay at home mama to my other daughter, who is
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Speaker 1: eleven months old. I've lost my voice. I don't know
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Speaker 1: how to tell a single person that I'm struggling, that
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Speaker 1: I'm so touched out. I can't take breaks as my
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Speaker 1: daughter needs two full time cares, but my partner has
1:54
Speaker 1: to work as money needs to come from somewhere. Right
1:57
Speaker 1: our sex life has suffered majorly. I think of it
2:00
Speaker 1: as a major chore right now more than anything, and
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Speaker 1: I don't even think about it anymore, which could be
2:04
Speaker 1: a hormonal thing for sure, but my poor partner. We
2:07
Speaker 1: go from having sex every day or every few days
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Speaker 1: having sex with other girls, to none. He thinks I
2:12
Speaker 1: resent him. My emotions are all over the place, and
2:14
Speaker 1: I haven't been a very good partner at all to
2:16
Speaker 1: him for the last four years because of all my
2:18
Speaker 1: time it goes to my daughter. That's most likely just
2:20
Speaker 1: an excuse, as he's going through it as well. We've
2:23
Speaker 1: been dealing with a lot lately. We have moved to
2:25
Speaker 1: our block of land in South Australia so that he
2:27
Speaker 1: can be around a lot more people to help with
2:29
Speaker 1: the girls, so I'm not doing it all alone. We've
2:31
Speaker 1: also been fighting a lot lately. I think we are
2:33
Speaker 1: all each other has around, so we take all of
2:35
Speaker 1: our stress out on each other. Our daughter screams a
2:37
Speaker 1: lot because she can't communicate her needs. She's a beautiful girl,
2:40
Speaker 1: but our lives are very disregulated because of it all.
2:43
Speaker 1: We're both over the fighting, and mostly him. He can't
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Speaker 1: take it anymore. How do I show him love? How
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Speaker 1: do I get back to myself? I'm so touched out
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Speaker 1: and burnt out that I can't even give him a
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Speaker 1: hug anymore. When he's sad or be understanding when he's
2:55
Speaker 1: going through things, I don't know where it's all gone wrong.
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Speaker 1: It feels like I'm actually dead inside. He's also suffering
3:00
Speaker 1: a lot currently dealing with suicidal thoughts. I'm sorry, this
3:03
Speaker 1: is a lot. I love you, lady man so much.
3:08
Speaker 1: There there's a lot there. Firstly, just what you're holding
3:11
Speaker 1: is a lot, like postparter moving, not having a lot
3:14
Speaker 1: of support, like obviously your daughter needing a lot more
3:17
Speaker 1: time and attention to that alone is a lot. Let alone,
3:21
Speaker 1: you know, worrying about finances and managing your relationship and
3:23
Speaker 1: then taking care of yourself and being regulated. It's a
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Speaker 1: fucking lot.
3:27
Speaker 2: And then your partner suicidal thoughts too, Like all of
3:29
Speaker 2: it is obviously just stacking on the both of you,
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Speaker 2: which is a really hard thing to deal with. It's
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Speaker 2: like one thing to deal with one emotional challenge, let
3:36
Speaker 2: alone like five in one go.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. Firstly, I think your partner really, I would really
3:43
Speaker 1: be encouraging him to have some outside support because we
3:46
Speaker 1: always talk about it too, like your partners can't be everything.
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Speaker 1: They can't be your coach, your best friend, your lover,
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Speaker 1: You're this, You're that. It's a lot of pressure for
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Speaker 1: one person, And you know, I think when we get
3:57
Speaker 1: outside support, it helps to fill a coup up and
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Speaker 1: it helps dissolve, you know, lots of thoughts that are
4:01
Speaker 1: going on, see different perspective, and then we come into
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Speaker 1: the relationship a little bit fresher. So I would really
4:06
Speaker 1: be encouraging him to get some outside support.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, I think there are so many layers to this,
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Speaker 2: But I guess you know, when it comes to anything
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Speaker 2: in life, And obviously I've never been able to experience
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Speaker 2: what you've experienced in your dynamic, but I do have
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Speaker 2: nieces and nephews who are autistic and on the spectrum,
4:20
Speaker 2: so I do have somewhat of a first hand context.
4:24
Speaker 2: But I can't say that I can I've experienced what
4:26
Speaker 2: you've experienced, and I just I could only imagine, like
4:28
Speaker 2: how much your nervous system would be craving to just
4:31
Speaker 2: be able to reset in the micro moments of the day,
4:34
Speaker 2: because you know, like I imagine your days kind of
4:36
Speaker 2: feel like they're rolling into one at the moment with
4:38
Speaker 2: everything that's stacking, and a lot of the times when
4:40
Speaker 2: we go through those seasons, it's like, you know, I'm
4:42
Speaker 2: just trying to keep my head above water. And make
4:44
Speaker 2: sure that I don't end up drowning. And as you know,
4:46
Speaker 2: like as a parent, I imagine it's like, you know,
4:49
Speaker 2: the way that you move is how the whole ship runs.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
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Speaker 2: So it's like, whilst I imagine that you don't have
4:54
Speaker 2: a lot of time, it's like, can you find those
4:56
Speaker 2: micro moments where you've got a second to yourself and
4:58
Speaker 2: you're throwing yourself in the bathroom for a couple of
5:00
Speaker 2: minutes or however long that you've got to just take
5:03
Speaker 2: a couple of deep breaths and make sure sure that
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Speaker 2: you're giving yourself that minute to just like regulate yourself. Yeah,
5:08
Speaker 2: because it sounds like you just in a state of
5:10
Speaker 2: constant dysregulation. And whilst there are outside things that are
5:14
Speaker 2: like out of your control, the only thing that you
5:16
Speaker 2: can control is the controllables, which is your actions, your behaviors,
5:21
Speaker 2: how you choose to navigate this. And whilst you know
5:23
Speaker 2: you do deal and have been dealt a few cards
5:26
Speaker 2: that most people won't ever have to experience, it's not
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Speaker 2: about that. It's about how you choose to support yourself
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Speaker 2: in this.
5:32
Speaker 1: Definitely take this with a grain of salt. But as
5:35
Speaker 1: a mum, The first thing when I hear all of
5:37
Speaker 1: this is if I was in your position, and I
5:39
Speaker 1: obviously don't have a heigh needs child. So yeah, like
5:41
Speaker 1: I said, take this with a grain assault. But whenever
5:43
Speaker 1: I'm super disregulated or very busy at work and I'm
5:46
Speaker 1: finding I'm not having time to myself to regulate, I think,
5:49
Speaker 1: am I going to get up earlier? I'm going to
5:51
Speaker 1: stay up later. That's the only time that I can
5:53
Speaker 1: find time. Once my kids go to bed, That's what
5:55
Speaker 1: I'm going to do. And for me, it's normally get
5:56
Speaker 1: up earlier. I'm quite an early rise when I find
5:58
Speaker 1: that a lot easier than staying up late. So I
6:01
Speaker 1: would be getting up early, even if it's ten minutes
6:03
Speaker 1: before your kids are due to wake up. They wake
6:06
Speaker 1: up at five. I can't getting up at four forty five.
6:07
Speaker 1: I'm putting out of meditation. I'm going outside. I'm taking
6:11
Speaker 1: a minute to just focus my breath, and with your breath,
6:14
Speaker 1: make sure that your exhale is way longer than your
6:16
Speaker 1: in how because that'll really calm your body down. And
6:19
Speaker 1: then with your partner. Because I feel like this is
6:22
Speaker 1: such a common problem when we have children and we're
6:25
Speaker 1: busy and everyone's stressed and tied. When your body doesn't
6:27
Speaker 1: feel safe and you're just regulated, sex is lasting. I
6:30
Speaker 1: feel like you cannot really tap into your pleasure if
6:33
Speaker 1: you're in that fight or flight mode. So regulation that'd
6:37
Speaker 1: be my first thing. This is what we teach and
6:39
Speaker 1: rise inside. That's why it's our number one month because
6:42
Speaker 1: this is like you cannot do the other work until
6:44
Speaker 1: your body is actually safe to receive the information and
6:46
Speaker 1: start integrating everything that we're teaching, but finding a toolbox
6:50
Speaker 1: and finding things that work for you in different moments
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Speaker 1: to help bring you back down into that green zone,
6:56
Speaker 1: bring you back down to your breath, back down to calm,
6:58
Speaker 1: and then with your partner. I think it's the micro
7:01
Speaker 1: moments again. It's like in the kitchen when you're cooking dinner.
7:04
Speaker 1: Are you just passings? Are you actually interacting with each other?
7:07
Speaker 1: Can literally be stopped grabbing by the shoulders or grab
7:09
Speaker 1: them by the hips and just be like, I love you.
7:11
Speaker 1: This is a fucking hard season, but we're in this together. Yes.
7:15
Speaker 1: Instead of just giving a peck on the cheek when
7:16
Speaker 1: they say goodbye, make it twenty seconds, Make your hug
7:20
Speaker 1: just that little bit longer, Like embrace them, make them
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Speaker 1: feel that little bit desired, that little bit more taken
7:25
Speaker 1: care of. I find those micro moments lead to the
7:28
Speaker 1: bigger moments. And then when it comes to sex, I
7:31
Speaker 1: have a girlfriend going through this at the moment, she
7:33
Speaker 1: is in the trenches two young, very young children. Used
7:37
Speaker 1: to be one of my horniest friends, and like now
7:39
Speaker 1: she's like, I'm so fucking tired. When the kids go
7:41
Speaker 1: to bed, I'm out. The last thing I feel like
7:44
Speaker 1: doing is having sex. Even though you don't feel like
7:47
Speaker 1: doing it, I feel like, once you're into it, fuck,
7:49
Speaker 1: I wish we did this earlier. Yes, because when it
7:52
Speaker 1: feels so good. Two, it releases like relaxing hormones. Three,
7:55
Speaker 1: it makes you feel more connected, makes you feel more loved,
7:59
Speaker 1: like love towards each other, and just makes you feel
8:01
Speaker 1: like more of a team again. So even though you
8:03
Speaker 1: don't feel like it, I it is so worth putting
8:06
Speaker 1: that effort in. And if it's scheduled, so be it.
8:09
Speaker 1: At least it's scheduled in. It's like you schedule everything
8:11
Speaker 1: else in your work, meetings, your appointments, your daughter's appointments,
8:14
Speaker 1: everything's scheduled in. So it happens right, because not in
8:16
Speaker 1: the schedule, it's not going to happen and there goes
8:18
Speaker 1: two months and you haven't meet into it with your partner,
8:20
Speaker 1: your literally roommates. Yeah, don't let that happen. Schedule it in,
8:24
Speaker 1: make a time and probably when the kids go to
8:26
Speaker 1: bed once again. Or this is for sometimes like screens
8:28
Speaker 1: are handy. You know. I always thought it'd be the
8:31
Speaker 1: mom that wouldn't allow screens, but sometimes screens come in handy. Yeah,
8:34
Speaker 1: if you need to put your kids in front of
8:35
Speaker 1: a TV for half an hour to watch the TV
8:37
Speaker 1: show so you can have that moment with your partner
8:39
Speaker 1: and still be you two, I think that's worth it.
8:43
Speaker 1: It is little things that I would try. But yeah,
8:46
Speaker 1: back to your husband, I really would be encouraging him
8:48
Speaker 1: to get a men's coach or a psychologist or just
8:50
Speaker 1: someone on his team that he can go to just
8:53
Speaker 1: have his time for himself. And also on the weekend.
8:56
Speaker 1: Steve and I sometimes if we've had a really really
8:59
Speaker 1: big week with work, well tag team, it's like if
9:01
Speaker 1: we're both feeling tapped out and the kids are fighting,
9:03
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, you go have three hours. Yeah,
9:05
Speaker 1: we walk catch up with a friend, go down to
9:07
Speaker 1: the beach, just have some time and then come back
9:09
Speaker 1: and tag to any other. We've both had that time
9:11
Speaker 1: in the morning to recharge, and then we spend the
9:12
Speaker 1: afternoon together. Yeah. Literally, see, you guys do this. We
9:15
Speaker 1: do this all the time. That's really cool. I just
9:17
Speaker 1: think it's so important because as parents, you still need
9:21
Speaker 1: your own time and depending what starsign you are, what
9:23
Speaker 1: your value, I value freedom. Steve is very big introverts,
9:26
Speaker 1: so he actually recharges on his own, so it's important
9:29
Speaker 1: to make sure you can give that to each other.
9:31
Speaker 1: And like, yeah, the time with the kids by yourself
9:33
Speaker 1: might be hard, but then you know, you get to
9:34
Speaker 1: recharge having a couple of hours to yourself. So I
9:37
Speaker 1: don't know if they're helpful. I really hope you can
9:39
Speaker 1: try at least one or two of those. We were
9:41
Speaker 1: talking about Jake Woodward. We talked about him a lot.
9:43
Speaker 1: I was just thinking this, and I know this sounds
9:46
Speaker 1: so far fetched and so like, oh my god, that's
9:49
Speaker 1: not going to happen, but I truly believe there's I
9:52
Speaker 1: think this would be super helpful for most relationships. Is
9:55
Speaker 1: he's got a seventy two hour rules. They never go
9:58
Speaker 1: longer than seventy two hours without being intimate, because it
10:00
Speaker 1: keeps the connection. We were just saying, like Steve and I
10:03
Speaker 1: went like a week and a half with those sex,
10:05
Speaker 1: and you went through something. We both had periods we're away,
10:07
Speaker 1: they're away, yep, and we both at the same time like,
10:09
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you really do start to feel the disconnect.
10:12
Speaker 1: And it's not that anything's wrong, No, nothing is wrong.
10:14
Speaker 1: It's not that something's happened. You just energetically feel the disconnect,
10:18
Speaker 1: and then you make love again. It's like, oh again.
10:22
Speaker 1: You just feel so much better together. And it's so
10:24
Speaker 1: interesting too.
10:25
Speaker 2: When you go all that time without it, you start
10:28
Speaker 2: to not make up stories, but you emotionally disconnect almost
10:32
Speaker 2: and like you don't feel as plugged into yes, and
10:34
Speaker 2: that then creates more and more distance. I feel like
10:37
Speaker 2: the longer time that you go on, the more disconnected
10:40
Speaker 2: you feel. And then I feel like it sometimes feel
10:42
Speaker 2: a little bit harder to get back to.
10:43
Speaker 1: And if something was to come up, like an uncomfortable conversation,
10:47
Speaker 1: a trigger, a hard conversation if you're not intimate. I
10:51
Speaker 1: don't know. From my experience, I feel like I'm a
10:53
Speaker 1: bit more reactive, a bit more defensive. I can't hold
10:56
Speaker 1: it as well. Whereas we're super intimately connected, I feel
11:00
Speaker 1: like I've got all the space in the world, Like feel.
11:02
Speaker 2: More compassionate, yess towards each other. You're more patient, more understanding,
11:05
Speaker 2: whereas like when you feel disconnected, you're like, oh, well,
11:08
Speaker 2: whatever kind of thing, and you don't treat it in
11:09
Speaker 2: a way that you want to as a partner. And
11:12
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing what really stood out to
11:14
Speaker 2: me in everything that you shared was the intimacy part. Yes,
11:18
Speaker 2: but also you mentioned you're not feeling like you're being
11:20
Speaker 2: the best partner and you're feeling resentful in all these things.
11:22
Speaker 1: Right, And props to the self awareness tooph Oh my god.
11:24
Speaker 2: Amazing, so proud and us that that's you're fifty percent
11:27
Speaker 2: of the way they yes, good And on top of this,
11:30
Speaker 2: maybe before we explore the intimacy side of things, it's like,
11:33
Speaker 2: how about a conversation. How about an open conversation, because
11:37
Speaker 2: it is clear that you two are going on your
11:40
Speaker 2: own experience of the same journey, but maybe you feel
11:43
Speaker 2: like you're standing in opposite corners.
11:46
Speaker 1: And I think sometimes.
11:47
Speaker 2: That's a really hard thing when you feel like I'm
11:49
Speaker 2: in this alone, when reality you and your partner are
11:52
Speaker 2: dealing with this together, but right now you're just not
11:54
Speaker 2: leaning on each other emotionally, and that's where you're feeling
11:56
Speaker 2: the disconnect. So I'd be curious to know if this
11:59
Speaker 2: could be a thing of like bringing it in, of
12:01
Speaker 2: reminding your partner and being the one to go first.
12:03
Speaker 2: It's never comfortable, but it's an necessary of being like, hey,
12:07
Speaker 2: like it is you and me.
12:09
Speaker 1: Versus this problem, not me versus you.
12:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, and like leaning in with vulnerability, And whilst it
12:14
Speaker 2: can feel super uncomfortable and scary, you are going to
12:17
Speaker 2: get so much more out of your partner in this
12:19
Speaker 2: of like, you know, showing him that it's safe for
12:23
Speaker 2: you guys to lean on each other with his suicidal thoughts,
12:26
Speaker 2: with the things that he's dealing with, with the things
12:28
Speaker 2: that you're dealing with, maybe even bringing up the lack
12:31
Speaker 2: of intimacy and going hey, like, how does this.
12:33
Speaker 1: Feel for you?
12:33
Speaker 2: It feels icky for me and I know we're dealing
12:36
Speaker 2: with a lot and we're stressed and triggered all the time,
12:38
Speaker 2: but how can we work as a team in this
12:40
Speaker 2: to support each other through this so that we both
12:43
Speaker 2: don't drown in this? Yeah?
12:44
Speaker 1: And it's having that conversation of also like what are
12:46
Speaker 1: you needing right now? And like with that book that
12:48
Speaker 1: we both read, and men need respect, Oh respect and love,
12:51
Speaker 1: Oh love and respect. Yes, such very powerful. Oh my god,
12:54
Speaker 1: it's such a good book. Even if you're not religious.
12:56
Speaker 1: He does use a lot of religious urns, but you
12:57
Speaker 1: can just relate it to universe, spirit, angel, what BELI
13:01
Speaker 1: whatever you believe in. But I found that book super helpful.
13:03
Speaker 1: But it's also yeah, asking your partner, like, right now,
13:05
Speaker 1: with what you're going through, how can I support you more?
13:07
Speaker 1: Because sometimes I think when you're both trying to pull
13:10
Speaker 1: from an empty cup, it becomes a bit of competition. Yeah,
13:12
Speaker 1: I've got a hard I'm home with our daughter all
13:13
Speaker 1: the time, where you get to have a break at work,
13:15
Speaker 1: and he's like, well, I'm going to work, working my
13:17
Speaker 1: ass off, barely paying the bills, come home to like,
13:20
Speaker 1: obviously you not coping. So then I feel guilt leading
13:22
Speaker 1: you all the time, and I'm also feeling extremely depressed
13:25
Speaker 1: that I'm like considering not even being here. You both
13:28
Speaker 1: got your own hearts and both are equally challenging in
13:31
Speaker 1: their own way. It's like not a competition, it's like,
13:34
Speaker 1: how can we be together and support each other more?
13:36
Speaker 1: And it's what do you need? What do you need
13:38
Speaker 1: from me? What do I need from you? Okay, let's
13:40
Speaker 1: really put that as a forefront focus.
13:42
Speaker 2: I love that you brought that up because in this
13:44
Speaker 2: book as well, it really showcases that when we're in
13:46
Speaker 2: our own right and we're in our own stories, we
13:48
Speaker 2: want the other person to go first. So we're like,
13:50
Speaker 2: I need this from this person, I need this. I
13:53
Speaker 2: need you to show up like this and give me
13:54
Speaker 2: more love and show me more respect and you know,
13:56
Speaker 2: help me and support me through my hardship. But oftentimes
14:00
Speaker 2: what actually starts this really beautiful cycle of love and
14:03
Speaker 2: support is you going first. Yeah, because then that person's
14:05
Speaker 2: not expecting it, they feel loved by you, and then
14:08
Speaker 2: they go wow, oh my gosh, thank you so much.
14:09
Speaker 2: That was amazing. Then they want to pour back into naturally.
14:12
Speaker 2: So it's like we can not control, but like influence
14:15
Speaker 2: that beautiful cycle of like giving so that you can
14:18
Speaker 2: then receive and knowing that it comes from a really
14:21
Speaker 2: beautiful place.
14:22
Speaker 1: I think it's really hard for men to to actually
14:25
Speaker 1: admit they're struggling. So the fact that he's told you
14:27
Speaker 1: that is huge. It's huge. Like I know, it takes
14:30
Speaker 1: Steve a lot to break down in front of me
14:32
Speaker 1: and to like really let me in that he's holding
14:34
Speaker 1: a lot because as a man, they just want to provide.
14:36
Speaker 1: They don't want to put all their burdens onto you.
14:38
Speaker 1: They want you to be happy and peaceful. So the
14:40
Speaker 1: fact he's like even opened up to you is really
14:43
Speaker 1: really beautiful. But also back to like getting outside support.
14:47
Speaker 1: Like even us, sometimes we just turn to each other
14:48
Speaker 1: and we know our partner's going through a lot, you know,
14:50
Speaker 1: Or sometimes when you go to your girlfriend, you just
14:53
Speaker 1: like vent it all out, insolves a little bit, yeah,
14:55
Speaker 1: you know, and then you can go back a little
14:56
Speaker 1: bit fresher to your partner. I think it's important to
14:58
Speaker 1: have outside support and not rely on your partner to
15:00
Speaker 1: be everything, especially when he's going through what he's going through.
15:04
Speaker 1: Do you have a sister, a friend, what support do
15:06
Speaker 1: you have? Like, I'm so glad you even bought this
15:08
Speaker 1: in here, So I hope there's even just one thing
15:10
Speaker 1: that we say today that you're like, Okay, I can
15:12
Speaker 1: start to bring some micro moments of connection. Okay, when
15:14
Speaker 1: the kids go to bed, I'm going to run a
15:16
Speaker 1: bath or when the kids go to bed, I'm gonna
15:18
Speaker 1: lane just make out with him, even it doesn't lead
15:20
Speaker 1: to sex. That is a form of intimity. It doesn't
15:22
Speaker 1: have to be literal penetration. No, just be kissing and
15:26
Speaker 1: touching and just holding each other, just some form of intimacy.
15:28
Speaker 1: You could sit and cuddle for twenty minutes. Allow you
15:31
Speaker 1: guys to coregulate with each other and just this is
15:33
Speaker 1: something that I do with my now current partner. We
15:36
Speaker 1: do breathing together, and so like he'll literally, for whatever reason,
15:39
Speaker 1: we'll hug and you'll go, okay, breathe with me, and
15:41
Speaker 1: we'll do ten big, deep breaths together. And it is
15:43
Speaker 1: the most beautiful, regulating, safe thing. And if that's something
15:47
Speaker 1: that you can teach your partner to integrate, that's going
15:50
Speaker 1: to allow him to regulate with you. And then you
15:52
Speaker 1: guys are going to know, Okay, we are each other's
15:54
Speaker 1: safe place. We're not each other's punching bags. Yeah. I
15:57
Speaker 1: think that's a really beautiful thing. Yeah. So, man, what
16:00
Speaker 1: you're going through is a lot. What you're holding through
16:02
Speaker 1: a lot. But let's just start small. You're going to
16:03
Speaker 1: set your alarm a little bit early. You take ten
16:06
Speaker 1: big breasts, breathe in your exhus and me a lot longer.
16:09
Speaker 1: May you go on YouTube or if you're a part
16:11
Speaker 1: of Rise and Side, We've got so many like five
16:13
Speaker 1: ten minute little meditations in there. It's all. It takes
16:15
Speaker 1: a couple of minutes. And then when they go to
16:17
Speaker 1: bed or in the kitchen, whenever you're with your partner,
16:20
Speaker 1: you're not passing ships. There's little micro touches, micro kisses,
16:23
Speaker 1: micro comments even throughout the day. Just a message to
16:25
Speaker 1: say I appreciate you. That will go so far for
16:28
Speaker 1: a man, the fact they feel appreciated or respected, or
16:31
Speaker 1: I know you're doing your best. Thank you for all
16:32
Speaker 1: you do. Start little, write a little list of little
16:35
Speaker 1: things that you can do, and it will stack over time.
16:37
Speaker 1: It doesn't take away your heart, it doesn't take away
16:39
Speaker 1: your problems. It doesn't mean that it's going to get
16:42
Speaker 1: better overnight. But like you said, there is some things
16:44
Speaker 1: that are out of your control right now, so just
16:46
Speaker 1: take control of what you can and those little moments
16:50
Speaker 1: mean a lot.
16:50
Speaker 2: And also as well, when it comes to like the
16:52
Speaker 2: sex side of things, when you're a female, at which
16:55
Speaker 2: you are, we close up when we don't feel safe,
16:58
Speaker 2: right and you notice that there's resentment there. Right, So
17:01
Speaker 2: the moment I personally believe when you can have a
17:04
Speaker 2: safe conversation and you can bring it all in and
17:06
Speaker 2: you can clear the air of whatever is sitting between
17:09
Speaker 2: you two on the couch metaphorically, which is the thing
17:11
Speaker 2: that is the barrier that will dissolve, and then you'll go, Okay,
17:15
Speaker 2: I feel a little bit more safe. I can relax now,
17:17
Speaker 2: I can take a big excel. Okay, we're not at
17:20
Speaker 2: each other's next anymore.
17:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, cool.
17:22
Speaker 2: Then it's introducing the little touches and little kisses and
17:24
Speaker 2: the little cheeky smiles across the room and then just
17:26
Speaker 2: like hey, like I love you wearing this together. Yeah,
17:29
Speaker 2: and then allow the intimacy to build from that place, Like,
17:32
Speaker 2: don't put pressure on yourself to go from nothing or
17:36
Speaker 2: even to back to where you were before about inviting
17:39
Speaker 2: other girls.
17:39
Speaker 1: Into the bedroom because of the season.
17:41
Speaker 2: Now it's just not the season, and you know ebbs
17:43
Speaker 2: and flows of life in general. So it's like, give
17:45
Speaker 2: yourself a chance to go baby steps and just yeah,
17:48
Speaker 2: allow it to naturally unfold as you create more safety
17:51
Speaker 2: with each other.
17:52
Speaker 1: Again, I'm glad you brought that up, like the sleeping
17:54
Speaker 1: with other girls, because she actually mentioned in that twice
17:56
Speaker 1: and they're like, that would have been so fun. I'm sure,
17:57
Speaker 1: but it's like me comparing my eighteen year old, sexy,
18:00
Speaker 1: fun party self to now a thirty seven year old
18:03
Speaker 1: business owner mum of two diferent seasons, not that girl anymore.
18:08
Speaker 1: Have changed a lot, have evolved a lot, and just
18:10
Speaker 1: like even understanding your body, like even they say, like
18:12
Speaker 1: scientifically stats it takes us twenty minutes of warm up
18:16
Speaker 1: to fully be open, to fully be wet, to fully
18:18
Speaker 1: be ready. So the foreplay doesn't just start in the bedroom.
18:21
Speaker 1: It actually starts throughout the day. It's a build up.
18:24
Speaker 1: It's a mental game for us women. And if that's
18:27
Speaker 1: like all week you're just doing these little microwave moments
18:29
Speaker 1: and then on sagey you put in the movie on
18:31
Speaker 1: for the kids and you're having your half and out
18:32
Speaker 1: of your time when it's when they go to bed. Yeah,
18:34
Speaker 1: that's your schedule time. Put the effort in. It is
18:37
Speaker 1: worth it because your relationships worth it, and you know
18:38
Speaker 1: your evidence of how beautiful you can be together. You've
18:41
Speaker 1: got some extra challenges. Now, it doesn't mean that you
18:43
Speaker 1: can't still have a beautiful, loving, connected relationship and it's
18:47
Speaker 1: not going to be like this forever. Yeah, you're in
18:49
Speaker 1: the trenches right now, you really are, and it's going
18:51
Speaker 1: to be for a little while. So it's like, Okay,
18:53
Speaker 1: we've got to accept that, But where can we be
18:55
Speaker 1: flexible and adaptable to make the best of what we've
18:58
Speaker 1: got right now?
18:59
Speaker 2: Absolutely so beautifully said something else as well, like you
19:02
Speaker 2: obviously you're holding a lot, and I reckon they're be
19:05
Speaker 2: so much stored emotion in your body just from having
19:08
Speaker 2: to compartmentalize and push your needs to the side and
19:11
Speaker 2: prioritize your daughter and daughters and your partner and everything
19:14
Speaker 2: else that you have going on in your life. Do
19:16
Speaker 2: some anger releases, girl, if you can sneak away five minutes,
19:20
Speaker 2: sit in the car and just scream elongs out it
19:23
Speaker 2: sounds wild and actually it's beneficial. You're gonna sound and
19:26
Speaker 2: it's gonna sound crazy. You're gonna be like ye, and
19:28
Speaker 2: I don't want to do that. I feel silly. I'm
19:30
Speaker 2: not doing that. That's weird, Like all of the stories
19:32
Speaker 2: are going to come up. Play music in the car
19:34
Speaker 2: so it's loud enough, and then just scream because like
19:38
Speaker 2: that stored energy in your body from all the resentment
19:41
Speaker 2: is heavy to carry.
19:43
Speaker 1: But when you do this, and.
19:44
Speaker 2: I promise this is something I actually recommend all of
19:46
Speaker 2: my clients to do. If you can do this and
19:48
Speaker 2: get away with doing it for at least three days
19:50
Speaker 2: in a row, a couple of minutes, it doesn't have
19:51
Speaker 2: to be anything excessive. Scream until you feel like you
19:55
Speaker 2: have nothing left, and wait for the emotional relief on
19:57
Speaker 2: the other side of it, and you may also find
20:00
Speaker 2: that you might actually cry on the other end of it. Two.
20:03
Speaker 2: But also crying is a really big, beautiful release if
20:06
Speaker 2: even at night, you need a minute to yourself and
20:08
Speaker 2: you just allow yourself to cry, let yourself process all
20:11
Speaker 2: of the emotions that you're actually feeling, because it will
20:13
Speaker 2: help get you out of this like emotional trenches that
20:16
Speaker 2: you're currently in right now.
20:17
Speaker 1: And if you struggle to cray because you're holding it
20:19
Speaker 1: together for the kids all day. Put in a sad
20:21
Speaker 1: song always gets me. Always grieving someone that's passed or
20:26
Speaker 1: upset about a certain situation. I've got like certain songs
20:29
Speaker 1: that help me drop into sadness. And sometimes it's necessary
20:33
Speaker 1: because otherwise, if you don't release it and don't dissolve it.
20:35
Speaker 1: Sits in your body and it just gets bigger until
20:37
Speaker 1: one day you explode and you're like, what the fuck
20:39
Speaker 1: was that. I'm at breaking point? Absolutely, don't let yourself
20:41
Speaker 1: get there. Yeah, yeah, go straight to Adele. She makes
20:45
Speaker 1: me cry. Oh yeah, she's got some good ones. But
20:47
Speaker 1: I really hope this helps. I hope you can take
20:49
Speaker 1: away one or two things. Got a little list there now,
20:52
Speaker 1: And yeah, we're here for you and you so much love.
20:55
Speaker 1: Give us a bit of an update. We'd love to
20:56
Speaker 1: know how you're going. Bye, beautiful, See you guys tomorrow