Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Sex Positive/High Libido Women May Feel MORE Of A Drop Hormonally With Age

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Sex Positive/High Libido Women May Feel MORE Of A Drop Hormonally With Age · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Thank you for listening. And of course, if you do want to
• 0:11
  subscribe, there's over 150 extra episodes.
• 0:15
  The one I recorded yesterday was on why compatibility is so
• 0:18
  important in Marriage and there was a shout out to my husband
• 0:21
  for our anniversary. So anyway, today we're going to
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  be talking about the fact that I've realized over the course of
• 0:28
  my career, talking to people and most recently this came up in
• 0:32
  the secret group which you should join 499 a month on
• 0:35
  Facebook. Best money you'll ever spend
• 0:37
  according to many, many members. High libido.
• 0:42
  Women actually have more of a drop off hormonally with age.
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  So there's a lot of people. So let me back up.
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  There's a lot of aspects to female sexuality, right?
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  And more women than men are ashamed of their sexuality and
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  taught to be sex negative, don't be a slut, don't have sex.
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  Especially in religious cultures or sex negative cultures, if you
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  experience any sexual abuse or trauma, if you're raised by a
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  mother who had sexual trauma, then she's going to be real sex
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  negative usually. There's like a lot of reasons.
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  And also women are taught that their bodies are super
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  important. So there's many women that think
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  that they're not even basically, they don't even deserve to be
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  considered sexy or feel sexy unless their body is perfect.
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  And if you're lower libido overall, like if you're just
• 1:32
  kind of a lower libido person, people are all different.
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  Then, you know, you don't try to masturbate.
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  You don't like, really research anything about sex.
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  And sex is just something that you do if you have a partner,
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  You know, if and when you have a partner, then you're going to
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  have sex and you're going to hope for the best.
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  You don't really know much about it.
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  You think it's mostly for his pleasure.
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  And and that's that. And I've talked about these
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  different attitudes so many times.
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  Right. In my podcasts and posts.
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  But here is the thing. Every younger mammal.
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  And it's so I don't think my podcast listeners think this
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  anymore. Otherwise, I mean, you'd be a
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  fool, right, To keep listening to somebody who said something
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  you vehemently disagreed with. But it's really hard for me as a
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  PhD, somebody who took many science classes right to to to
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  think that there are people who I don't understand.
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  That drive would drop with age, right?
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  Based on biology and evolution and like, I don't know, opening
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  your eyes and looking around the world and talking to human
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  beings and that any time that that is not the case, there's
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  going to be some sort of superordinate variables.
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  Such As for men when they take testosterone, then they're going
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  to artificially prolong a younger man's sex drive.
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  Or when they're fluffing themselves up with porn
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  constantly in this, you know, in this almost not almost a drug
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  addled stupor where you get done with an hour of jacking off, you
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  go outside and you think that women are wearing sports bras
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  when they jog because they want you to look at their boobs, you
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  know, And it's just that. And that's a minor example.
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  So the the point being that there are superordinate
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  variables that can sometimes make drive look different.
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  But a main effect of age is your drives, even your appetites.
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  You don't eat as much when you're 60 as when you're 25.
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  Come on, somebody on my Facebook.
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  This was hilarious. This, I assume young guy on my
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  Facebook said that I'm completely wrong and a healthy
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  55 year old woman should have the same drive as an 18 year old
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  man. And I was like, did you ever
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  meet an 18 year old man? And so I I I said, you know the
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  all the 55 year old women should know that today they should
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  drive 155, punch a wall and have sex five times 'cause they have
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  the same amount of testosterone as an 18 year old guy who does
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  those things right. But anyway, so there's a main
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  effective age of course, but, but there's a big but when women
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  have never really reached their sexual potential when they were
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  young because of sex, negative attitudes or body issues, you
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  know, and and they just never really allowed themselves to
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  enjoy sex, then they can want to have more sex later in their
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  lives when they feel more confident, better about their
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  body and they understand more about sex.
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  This does not mean that if they were transposed back with that
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  attitude into their 18 year old body, they wouldn't be able to
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  have more orgasms, they wouldn't be able to have sex more.
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  They wouldn't think about sex more.
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  Of course they would. That's a younger animal.
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  A puppy plays an older dog doesn't come on.
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  But anyway, so that's why there's this idea about like.
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  And of course, if women take testosterone as part of their
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  hormone regimen, then you throw it all out the window.
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  A woman on testosterone could want to have sex truly, like,
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  like at the level of a man, not a man on testosterone, but like
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  maybe a, you know, a average man of some sort.
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  It's really quite a big difference.
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  Obviously people take hormones to literally transition, right?
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  So like a tiny level of that gives you a little taste of what
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  it's like. And I've shared that I tried it
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  as well. The testosterone, man, it's
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  quite the difference. It's very obvious.
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  Which brings me to my point. If you are aware of your body,
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  you know, and you're aware of your cycle, you're aware of your
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  drive. And this is a low percentage of
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  women. But if you are a high libido
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  woman that is in tune with her body, then you understand your
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  drive. You are somebody who is enjoying
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  yourself fully. When you were young, you were
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  having, you know, sex. You were having not just one
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  partner, probably, and you were enjoying yourself.
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  You were seeing the limits of what your body could do.
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  You were trying things. You were experimenting, you were
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  trying, you know, everything that Cosmo said to try, right?
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  I mean it's and and for younger girls that are high libido,
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  there's a lot of Internet porn and they look at it too.
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  Not as much as men, but more of them have seen porn than when I
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  was younger. I had never seen porn at all.
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  You know, it just wasn't a thing.
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  But the the point is the women in their 20s now, it doesn't
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  really matter because none of you are them or are dating them.
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  But point is they've seen more porn.
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  Sorry if that's your daughter's age and you're a male listener,
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  but the the point is here that what you what you want to
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  understand is that when you're really in tune with your body,
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  then you can tell the effects of age.
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  You could tell the effects of where you are in your cycle, you
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  know? But really it's the higher
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  libido women that are kind of in tune with this stuff because
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  they're the ones who notice when they have a sex drive to begin
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  with, right? So when.
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  So I've shared all all the time that I've struggled with
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  depression on and off in my life.
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  Right. And one of the things that if
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  you go to a functional medicine doctor, one of the things they
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  try is testosterone for drive. I was squarely in the honeymoon
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  stage with my husband at that time, so there's no need to do
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  it for drive. Would you take testosterone,
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  man? You got to be dead not to notice
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  the difference. I mean, really, it's it's not.
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  It's like what it's like to be a man.
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  And other people have said this in my group and stuff when you
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  know it's just it's nuts, like it's just crazy but there's a
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  lot of side effects. You know there's bloat and
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  there's irritability and and it's I got headaches.
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  So you know it. You're changing something in
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  your body. So the more sensitive you are
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  then the likelier you are to suffer from side effects from
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  everything which I have suffered from so many side effects, God,
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  you can't even count them. Almost everything from every
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  medication. So the the point here being that
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  if you are a high libido woman in touch with your self then and
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  and your drive and where you are, then of course you're going
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  to notice the main effect of age.
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  Of course you are. You're going to notice that your
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  drive has dropped. Instead of having multiple
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  orgasms at every session, you're going to have one.
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  It's going to be hard to get to 1 sometimes.
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  The older you get, instead of wanting to have sex five times a
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  day when you're ovulating, you're going to want to have sex
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  that day that you're ovulating. Once you know and after you
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  ovulate, you're not going to feel like it.
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  You may still have responsive desire.
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  As I I talked about this in my podcast of high libido, women
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  have spontaneous desire. Not really.
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  You know, not really in monogamy, with age and not when
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  ovulating, Not really. But what they do know is that
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  sex is going to be good. They know how to make sex good
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  no matter what, pretty much. And so you know with foreplay
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  and with with instruction and whatever and of course a long
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  term partner knows this stuff then hopefully if not work with
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  Heather, a registered sexologist at Best Life.
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  But anyway the point being you know sex is going to be good, so
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  then you want it and that's when responsive desire kicks in as
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  during foreplay etcetera, etcetera.
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  But now on the other side of the spectrum again, are these lower
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  libido women who are trained to be sex negative and never
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  enjoyed their youth. It it's sexually, they never
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  viewed their body as a vessel for pleasure.
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  It was to please other people you had to be a certain weight
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  and look a certain way and and you didn't think about your
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  orgasm because you have sex. To be a good girl, a Good Wife,
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  a good person when you're in a relationship and it's never
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  really supposed to be about you. It's just that same being a good
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  girl attitude that you learn is nothing is about you.
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  It's what you can provide as an experience to somebody else.
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  And so when women kind of come into their own more, they grow
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  more confident then some of them will masturbate for like the
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  first time, you know in their 40s.
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  And that's not going to be as good, as good and quote UN quote
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  as it would have been if they were in their 20 year old body.
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  But they that is never going to happen.
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  So that didn't happen. It's never going to happen.
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  They have no comparison point. And so it's the best it's ever
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  been, truly is the best it's ever been, because they have
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  more confidence and they want to try more things.
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  Now there's another subset of women where they get divorced in
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  their 40s or even their 50s or even older.
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  And in their entire first marriage, they didn't like sex
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  and they didn't like it because when they were young, they
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  didn't choose on a sexual variable.
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  Like they didn't, you know, like they weren't very attracted to
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  their partner or in the window when the guy could have learned
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  any different. They didn't know what to teach
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  him. So then sex was basically
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  ridiculous, like it was a joke. It wasn't about anything good.
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  It was just kind of penetration. Possibly she has an orgasm with
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  a vibrator, if they even go that far And that's it.
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  No nothing. No foreplay, no build up,
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  nothing exciting. So then when she gets divorced,
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  every single person is biologically in the honeymoon
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  stage with life. Their drive is higher.
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  As I've told you, they want to procreate.
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  Their brain does. Even if their body can't ovulate
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  anymore, Your brain still you're single, you know, single and
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  ready to mingle. You got more more excitement,
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  more ability to become aroused. You know, it's like having more
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  spontaneous arousal. So many women go back and they
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  blame this on their husband. They say, oh, in that
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  relationship, I just wasn't sexual and now it's my true self
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  kind of also, you've changed and grown and grown more confident.
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  And when you were 20, you would never have sat there and said,
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  I'm horny because you were like, that wasn't how you were.
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  Like you weren't a person who would have said that, Who would
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  have noticed that? Of course you were on some
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  level, could have been when you were ovulating, when you saw a
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  hot guy, when you were in the honeymoon stage.
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  But you just didn't have that self conception.
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  It was too alien. It was threatening to think like
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  that about yourself as a sexual entity.
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  You were trained not to. So now in later life, you're
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  doing that for the first time, and then you're saying, oh, I
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  was sexual all along. My husband just damped it down.
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  No. What happened was you were in
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  monogamy. You never taught him how to
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  please you. Maybe he was a Dick, I don't
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  know, you know. But you never taught him how to
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  please you. You didn't know.
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  He didn't think like that. And now you're coming out.
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  You're thinking differently. If you get involved with another
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  guy, you will probably have better sex at 1st and then
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  things will weigh down, not maybe where it was before.
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  If you have a self concept now as a sexual entity, maybe you'll
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  know you have to put the work in.
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  But so many women also, they just think it's like linked to
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  the man in some kind of crazy way.
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  And guys think this too. Young guys especially.
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  They're all over my social media.
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  One of them, this was cute. He's like, if a woman is
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  attracted to you, she shouldn't need foreplay.
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  So, you know, written from a college campus somewhere, I
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  imagine. I don't know how I came up in
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  his feed. But yes, if a woman's attracted
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  to you, she needs foreplay. Jesus Christ.
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  I mean, my God. Well, how could you be more
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  wrong? But, you know, so a lot of
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  women, they think that their sexual experience is tied to how
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  attracted they are to the man. I've tried to dispel this over
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  and over and over. It's like, like nothing.
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  It's like necessary but not sufficient.
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  Yeah, you got to be attracted to him or to have been attracted to
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  him at some point, but that is nowhere near the most important
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  variable or even an important variable in many marital sexual
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  encounters. It's whether he can provide the
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  type of sex that you want, which he's not a magician.
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  That means that you have to be an active participant in helping
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  him understand the kind of sex that you want.
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  No man is going to know how to be good in bed with every single
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  one. And I've tried to say this so
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  many times because every woman is different, has a different
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  erotic blueprint, different ways to arouse her, etcetera,
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  etcetera. I mean, there's certain things,
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  you know, don't do, certain things that make you quote bad
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  in bed, bad hygiene, rushing through things.
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  You know, I've tried to talk about a lot of this stuff.
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  I got my oral sex podcast, my female arousal podcast,
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  etcetera, etcetera. But point being, it's never just
• 14:05
  tied to the man. It's tied to how you feel, you
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  know. And if you perceive yourself as
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  a sexual entity, you can have good sex with anybody, really,
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  you know, I mean, of some sort, even if they're impotent, You
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  know, you could have good sex. You could teach somebody how to
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  go down on you, you know, or whatever you if you're good at
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  sex, if you have a high libido, you can be sexual with anybody.
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  And you're also going to notice the main effect of age over
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  time, You know, because you're so in tune with your body.
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  If you've never been in tune with your body, then your 40s
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  could be your your moment. You know it's still, you know
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  it's not going to be the same as it would have been, but that
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  would have been doesn't exist. So it could be the best you know
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  it ever. Truly.
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  And This is why people should, you know, learn more about their
• 14:54
  body. This is why people should work
• 14:55
  with Heather the Sexologist and read books and like all all
• 14:58
  sorts of things on my podcasts, all my posts.
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  Figure out your erotic blueprint.
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  Figure out what turns you on. Figure out how the man should
• 15:05
  touch you, etcetera, etcetera. And don't only rely on the
• 15:09
  vibrator and all of the things that I say all the time, but the
• 15:12
  the point being is that if people are waiting for their
• 15:17
  high libido wife to have some sort of renaissance and her 40s
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  or something that doesn't, that that could only happen in the
• 15:25
  regard of being even more confident.
• 15:29
  Maybe she wants to try some shit now who knows, Maybe you're
• 15:32
  going to get into the lifestyle, maybe you're going to, she's
• 15:34
  going to come out with some other fetishes because she, you
• 15:37
  know, doesn't want to go gentle into that good night of aging.
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  Who knows? But time has one effect, age has
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  one effect, has one effect. Oh, and the other variable,
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  which sadly is many women have been on birth control forever.
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  So they don't really know what their sex drive is.
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  And then they go off it only after they've had all their own
• 15:57
  kids and their husband gets snipped.
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  And then they do feel ovulation. They feel ovulation, arousal
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  time, you know, and they never did.
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  It's a big epiphany for a lot of women who frequently mourn that
• 16:10
  they had not known that for. And they mourn those lost years
• 16:13
  because they had been sex positive.
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  They were just on on a Med that was dampening it, you know, so.
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  So that's that's another big variable to think about.
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  And in that case again, there is a main effect of age still still
• 16:28
  you know, but you know, I mean after menopause, everybody's
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  vaginal walls thin, everybody has painful sex unless they use
• 16:35
  estrogen cream. And if you use estrogen cream,
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  you're still don't ovulate, you're still an older body,
• 16:40
  whatever. The point is though, if you were
• 16:42
  more in, if you had like you're like if you were like truly
• 16:46
  optimized as a sexual entity, of course you would have your best
• 16:49
  sex when you were young. No shit.
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  I mean, that's when your body's most fertile and that's when
• 16:53
  evolution wants you to mate. But, but there can be many
• 16:57
  psychological superordinate variables that dampen and
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  biological like birth control that dampen that in the early
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  stage. And then, you know, later on, as
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  you find yourself more, as you're with somebody else, as
• 17:13
  you are in the honeymoon stage with somebody else post divorce.
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  And then you get started on a new cycle of of trying to value
• 17:20
  sex in your relationship versus what you did in your first
• 17:23
  relationship. I've seen that with a lot of
• 17:25
  people, you know, second marriage, they're like this
• 17:27
  one's going to be good. I'm going to be mindful and
• 17:29
  intentional about having sex, you know, and many people do
• 17:33
  that. But but the the point is, is
• 17:36
  that there is of course, no free lunch time marches One Direction
• 17:40
  and you got to kind of if if you're trying to really
• 17:44
  understand yourself as a person, as a woman, or you're trying to
• 17:48
  understand your wife, you got to kind of understand all these
• 17:51
  different variables. Male sexuality usually is not as
• 17:54
  complex because men have not really been shamed and they
• 17:57
  certainly don't get on medication that dampens their
• 17:59
  sex drive in early life, later life, yeah, you know, there's,
• 18:03
  you know, heart medications, etcetera.
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  But you know, it's really sucks, you know for a lot of 16 year
• 18:09
  old girls that their ovulation is goes away because and they
• 18:14
  start so young so they don't even know what their sex drive
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  is, you know, And then then they go on the pill and they just
• 18:20
  never know, you know, until they go off.
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  And you know it's not everybody to you got to say that, right.
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  But everybody doesn't ovulate. That's on the pill, right.
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  So it's kind of every everybody isn't going to do that.
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  But people are more or less sensitive to that.
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  And young people like sex, you know, if they are trained in a
• 18:40
  healthy way to be self accepting, so many women don't
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  notice they think they have a high libido, right?
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  Then they go off and they're like oh you know, I didn't have
• 18:49
  as high libido as I could. So anyway, I hope this was an
• 18:53
  interesting discussion. You know, no real TLDRS because
• 18:56
  there was a lot of information. But I guess the TLDR is, as I
• 19:00
  always say, there is a main effect of age, But there are
• 19:03
  many psychological impacts as well, particularly in women who
• 19:08
  had an artificially lowered libido in early life.
• 19:12
  Then when those obstacles are removed, then even in an older
• 19:17
  body, they can enjoy sex more. Not as much physiologically
• 19:21
  possibly, as they would have early, but that is not a world
• 19:24
  that they're in. So then this, this renaissance
• 19:28
  or this confidence later, you know, give does give them the
• 19:32
  best sex that they ever had. And that is possible.
• 19:34
  And it isn't something to harass your wife about, by the way.
• 19:37
  It isn't something to say to your wife.
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  Oh my God, now I have a new obsession.
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  It's given you the best sex that you ever had.
• 19:42
  Come on, let's do it 5 * a night.
• 19:44
  No, no, no, no, no. That they're not going to want
• 19:47
  that, obviously. But if somebody is is willing,
• 19:50
  this is something that would be talked about in couples.
• 19:53
  Counseling, obviously, is what both people want out of the
• 19:55
  sexual relationship, their sexual self concepts over time,
• 19:59
  the role that they feel that sexual intimacy should even play
• 20:02
  in the relationship. What turns on both of them, You
• 20:06
  know, those kinds of things. And as always, reach out if you
• 20:09
  need, you know, therapy, coaching, et cetera, from me or
• 20:12
  my providers at Best Life Behavioral Health.
• 20:14
  Thank you so much for listening and I'll talk to you all soon
• 20:16
  guys.