Latest / Just Listen To Me / Autism in Relationships: When Love Speaks Different Languages
Transcript
- Julia: Hi, I'm Julia, and welcome back to Just Listen to Me. love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken, and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. And welcome to season three. Firstly, I just want to say thank you for your patience over the past four weeks while the podcast took a short break. Sometimes back creates the space to reflect. ⁓ Recharge and come back with fresh conversations, and I'm genuinely excited about what's ahead this season. I honestly can't think of a better way to begin this new season than by talking about understanding. Because when relationships begin to struggle, our instinct is often to ask questions like: who's right? Who's wrong? Who's causing the problem? But one of the biggest lessons I've learned as a couples counsellor is that those questions rarely move couples closer together. Instead, healing usually begins when we become genuinely curious about each other's inner worlds, when we stop trying to prove a point and start trying to understand. That has always been at the heart of Project Secure Attachment. And I think it's a beautiful place for us to begin this new season together. We've got some wonderful episodes coming up over the next few months, conversations with some very special guests ⁓ the emotionally focused therapy community. We'll continue exploring attachment, ⁓ safety, trauma, relationships, and all of the messy, beautiful and complicated ways that That human beings try to love each other. you've been listening for a while, welcome back. And if you're joining us for the very first time, I'm really glad you're here. As everything we on this podcast comes back to one simple question: How do we create relationships where both people genuinely feel safe, seen, understood and chosen. Because that's really what Project Secure Attachment is all about. I thought we'd begin season three by continuing a series I started back in season two on neurodiversity and relationships. you listen to my episode on ADHD in relationships, you'll remember we explored how neurodiversity Can sometimes create misunderstandings, relationship dynamics, and attachment injuries. Not one partner loves the other any less, but because person experiences and interacts with the world a little differently. Today's episode ⁓ builds on conversation by turning our attention to another area of neurodiversity. That I'm seeing more and more often in the counseling room. in relationships. Over past few years, ⁓ I've a significant increase in couples either coming to counseling with an autism diagnosis already, or discovering the counseling process that ⁓ autism may playing a role in some of the challenges they're experiencing together. And yet Despite this growing awareness, I also think autism remains one of the most misunderstood topics when it comes to intimate relationships. are still so many myths surrounding autism, particularly when it comes to emotional connection. Some assume autistic people don't experience emotions deeply. Others assume don't want close relationships. Neither of those assumptions reflect what I see in my work. In fact, many autistic people long for deep, secure, emotionally meaningful relationships. challenge is often not a lack of love. It's that two people can genuinely love one another while experiencing, expressing, and interpreting connections in very different ways. ⁓ One of the things I hope this podcast always does move us away from asking who's the problem? Because in couples counseling, that's rarely the most helpful question. Instead, ⁓ encourage couples to ask what's to the relationship. That's the lens we'll be using throughout today's episode. We're not here to pathologize autism. Or blame either partner. We're here to better understand how different nervous systems experience connection, how those differences can unintentionally create attachment injuries, and most importantly, how couples can begin building secure attachment across those differences. ultimately, this episode isn't really about autism. It's about understanding each other's inner worlds. And when we begin to understand each other's inner worlds, relationships start to make a whole lot more sense. So let's dive in. So let's start with a really simple question. What is autism? Autism, or autism spectrum disorder, is a neurodevelopmental condition. That affects the way a person experiences, processes, and interacts with the world around them. The word spectrum is really important here. It doesn't mean that people are a little bit autistic or very autistic. Rather, it recognizes that autism presents differently from one person to another. autistic people require significant day-to-day support, while autism. Others live independently, have successful careers and relationships, and may not receive a diagnosis until adulthood. fact, one of the reasons autism has become such an important topic over the last decade is we're becoming much better at recognizing how differently it can present, particularly in women and adults who have spent years masking or adapting. To fit into a world that wasn't really designed with their nervous systems in mind. of that increased awareness, I'm seeing autism come up much more frequently in couples counseling than I did even five years ago. Sometimes partner has ⁓ already a diagnosis before they come to therapy. Sometimes they're in the middle of the assessment process. And sometimes ⁓ Neither partner has considered autism at all until we begin exploring longstanding patterns in the relationship that simply don't make sense through a purely attachment lens. like I spoke about in my ADHD episode back in season two, I think it's important to distinguish between someone who has gone through a comprehensive diagnostic assessment and someone who identifies with information they've seen on social media. There's absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing yourself in something you've read or watched online. fact, that can often be the catalyst for seeking support or assessment. But couples counseling, understanding whether has received a formal diagnosis can make a significant difference to how we understand the relationship and how we approach the work together. What are some of the most common challenges that arise when one or both partners are autistic? One of the biggest misconceptions is that autism itself is the problem. In my experience, that's usually not the case. biggest challenges tend to arise because autism can create a gap in how partners experience, express, and interpret connection. In other words, two people can be trying to communicate exactly the same thing. I love you. I'm here. You matter to me. But because they're speaking different relational languages, person feels understood. One may express love through practical acts of service, fixing something around the house, researching a holiday. ⁓ Remembering important details or quietly being there when their partner needs them. The other partner may be longing for verbal reassurance, physical affection, or emotionally expressive conversations. way of loving is wrong. They're simply different. The difficulty is that when partners don't understand those differences, they often begin making painful assumptions about each other. The emotionally expressive partner may begin thinking if they've really loved me, they'd tell me. Meanwhile, the autistic partner may be thinking, I've been showing you I love you every single day. Why can't you see it? And before long, what started as a difference in communication begins to feel like rejection for both people. That's often the point where couples find themselves sitting in my counseling room. So, what are the most common issues that arise in relationships where one partner is autistic and the other is not? In my experience, one of the biggest challenges isn't autism itself. It's that autism can create a significant difference in how each partner experiences, communicates, and And interprets the relationship. other words, it creates a gap in understanding. The non-autistic partner is often interpreting their partner's behavior through a neurotypical lens, ⁓ the autistic partner is experiencing and responding to the relationship through an autistic lens. When partner understands that difference, It's very easy for both people to misread each other's intentions. The non-autistic partner may begin to feel ignored, emotionally disconnected, criticized, or even unloved. the autistic partner may feel constantly misunderstood, overwhelmed, ⁓ criticized simply being themselves. Or exhausted from trying to meet expectations that don't come naturally to them. time, both partners can begin feeling lonely within the relationship, despite genuinely loving one another and wanting the relationship to work. And that's one of the reasons I think this conversation is so important. Because once couples begin to understand that they're often interpreting the very same interaction through two very different nervous systems, there's usually a little bit more compassion, a little less blame, and the relationship begins to make a lot more sense. worked with a couple once where the husband had recently been diagnosed with autism in his late 30s ⁓ years of feeling that he experienced the world differently to those around him. His wife came into counseling feeling incredibly lonely in the relationship. She would often say things like, I just don't feel like he needs me, sometimes it feels like I'm living with a housemate rather than a husband. From her perspective, he rarely initiated affection, didn't always pick up when she was emotionally distressed, and often seemed much more interested in his hobbies than talking about the relationship. When she became upset, She wanted to sit down together, talk through what had happened, and reconnect emotionally. But the more emotional the conversation became, the quieter he became. Sometimes he would stop talking altogether and leave the room. To her, that felt like rejection. It felt as though he didn't care enough to stay present with her. When I explored his experience, he I heard a completely different story. He described loving his wife deeply and desperately wanting the relationship to work. But when conflict became emotionally intense, he became so overwhelmed that he simply couldn't organize his thoughts quickly enough to respond. He worried that anything he said would make things worse, withdrawing from the conversation felt like the safest option. What was so striking about this couple wasn't a lack of love. It was that both partners were interpreting exactly the same moment in completely different ways. saw emotional withdrawal. He experienced nervous system overwhelm. She abandonment. He experienced overload. Neither interpretation malicious. ⁓ They were simply experiencing the same interaction through two very different nervous systems. So, how do we begin helping couples work through these differences in counseling? of the things I love about emotionally focused therapy is that we don't see the people as the problem. We see the negative cycle as the problem. In other words, we don't ask who's right or Or who's wrong, we ask, what's happening to the bond between you? When a couple comes into counseling where one partner is autistic and the other is not, certainly forms an important part of the picture. But it rarely tells the whole story. Like every other couple I work with, they have a negative cycle that has gradually taken hold of the relationship. The difference is that autism often shapes how the cycle develops and how each partner experiences it. So rather than focusing on changing one partner or teaching them to behave more like the other, my role is to help both partners understand what is happening beneath the behavior. The first thing I do is slow everything down. When couples first arrive in therapy, They're usually describing what happened. walked away. He ignored me. She down. He became angry. But underneath those behaviors is usually a much more important story. I want to understand what each partner was experiencing in that moment. What was happening inside their nervous system? What meaning were they making of their partner's behavior? attachment fear had just been activated? Very often ⁓ partners are reacting to exactly the same interaction, but from two completely different internal experiences. The partner may experience emotional withdrawal as rejection or abandonment. The autistic partner may experience the emotional intensity of the conversation as overwhelming, confusing, or simply too much for their nervous system to process in that moment. partner is intentionally trying to hurt the other. In most of the time, they're both desperately trying to protect themselves and ultimately protect the relationship. It's just the strategies they use to feel safe. unintentionally push each other further apart. Once couples begin to understand that, something really important starts to happen. The conversation shifts away from blame and towards curiosity. of asking, why won't you just talk to me? The non-autistic partner begins asking, What happens for you ⁓ conflict becomes overwhelming? Instead of thinking Nothing I do is ever good enough. The autistic partner begins to understand that their partner's pursuit is often an expression of fear and longing for reassurance rather than criticism or control. That shift in perspective is incredibly powerful because once couples begin seeing the negative cycle as the problem, rather than seeing each other as the problem. They can finally start working together against the cycle instead of pulling further apart. From there we begin helping each partner understand not only their own nervous system but their partners as well. The autistic partner doesn't need to become neurotypical, and the non autistic partner doesn't need to stop having emotional needs. Instead, the Goal is to build a bridge between two very different ways of experiencing connection so that both partners feel safer, understood, and more able to respond to each other's attachment needs. To me, that's what Project Secure Attachment has ⁓ been about. Not teaching couples to become the same, but helping them understand each other's inner worlds well enough so that both partners can feel safe, ⁓ and Understood and chosen. So if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from today's episode, it's this. doesn't prevent people from creating deeply loving, secure, and emotionally fulfilling relationships. What creates distress isn't the diagnosis itself. It's the misunderstandings that develop when two people are experiencing the relationship through. Two totally different nervous systems without understanding why. we begin replacing assumptions with curiosity, judgment compassion, and blame with understanding, something remarkable starts to happen. The relationship begins to feel safer. Both partners to feel more seen. And instead of on opposite sides of the problem, they begin standing together. Working as a team against the negative cycle. To me, that's what secure attachment has always been about. Not finding someone who thinks exactly like you, not expecting your partner to experience the world the same way you do. But be beg but becoming curious enough about each other's inner worlds that love can still find its way through your differences. Because secure attachment is Isn't built by erasing our differences. built by understanding them. Thank you so much for joining me today, and thank you for coming back for another season of Just Listen to Me. I'm excited for everything we've got planned over the coming months, and I can't wait to continue these conversations with you. Until next time, take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and remember. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken. Sometimes two people are simply learning how to understand each other. Take care, and I'll see you next time.