Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Two Magic Words To Make Your Conversations Go Better

Transcript

Two Magic Words To Make Your Conversations Go Better · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  what's stopping you? Tell me what you want out of a
• 1:01
  pizza, description service, and I will deliver it anywhere.
• 1:04
  How today we are going to talk about an easy way to enhance
• 1:10
  your communication with your spouse that most people don't
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  do, even though it's so easy. And reminded me today to make a
• 1:17
  podcast about this because I was talking to my son and I'm very
• 1:22
  proud because my son is going to the Nationals for a geography
• 1:25
  tournament, and we're talking about some Middle Eastern
• 1:29
  country, and he's telling me about the GDP and I said, why is
• 1:32
  the GDP so high and He says, well and then he starts like
• 1:38
  obviously talking out of his ass.
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  He's eight years old, he's very smart, but he doesn't know
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  everything. You know, and I'm like, you
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  know, you really didn't know. So instead of trying to make
• 1:48
  stuff up, we could look it up but like you know, why don't you
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  just say something that is like good?
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  Good question. I said, don't you feel good?
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  If your teacher says to you good question and he said yes I said
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  well say it's a good question mommy.
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  So he says good question mommy. So later that he said it again,
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  who's funny because we're talking about something else and
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  then he remembered, and he said good question.
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  So anyway, saying, good question, or good point are very
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  easy, very easy, insertions into, whatever you usually say
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  to your spouse, that leads to problems.
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  It is, doesn't everybody? Like to be told they have a good
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  point this in and of itself can be transformative in a
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  conversation, you're talking to Buddy, they say something you
• 2:36
  don't agree with but I mean, nobody is a totally stupid,
• 2:39
  right? I mean, it's there's a point,
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  you know, I mean there's a point to what they said tonight.
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  You are perspective but it could be a good point.
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  Similarly, if you don't know the answer to something, instead of
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  back pedaling, like, guys do this in particular, like
• 2:54
  backpedaling and given some other.
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  Let's go macro, 40 thousand foot view.
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  I'll tell you some other shit I know about because basically
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  what men do is they try to seem smart, This is like, like women
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  Bond over who is doing worse and Men Bond over, like who's
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  better, you know, I mean and they tease the ones who were
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  stupid, right? So women aren't like that.
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  So men in particular like to seem smart, this is how they're
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  socialized it, like to seem that they know things, so not to be a
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  dick, they don't do it. But just their automatic is to
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  think of an answer even if they don't know, sometimes when
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  they're talking they do think of an answer.
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  Great, but your wife and your Wife's.
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  Usually, the one that has problems with this Behavior.
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  She knows that you're kind of making shit up on the Fly.
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  And so, she doesn't really respect that.
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  What you would like much more than you being smart.
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  And I write this in my devil's advocate article why not to play
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  Devil's Advocate with your wife, and I could link you to that,
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  but she likes you to be kind and to give her something positive
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  about her. Say something nice about her.
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  So if you're talking to your wife and you totally disagree
• 4:02
  with her on something, and So let's say you say, you know, I
• 4:07
  think that we should go to Florida and she says, I don't
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  think that we should go to Florida because it's very hot.
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  It's too hot for a baby. You're thinking babies aren't
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  born in Florida every minute, but instead you might say good
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  point, you know, I think it would be fine.
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  You know, you have a point. I do want to go somewhere warm,
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  so I mean well why don't we think about like what would work
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  for both of us? That goes so much better because
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  your wife feels like you heard her finally and because you said
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  it's a good point instead of saying it's a bad point which is
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  what it does when you argue and if she feels good about herself
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  she's much more willing to play ball on any conversation and
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  also she's much more likely to be happy and affectionate in
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  general. Similarly, good question makes
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  somebody feel good about having ask something instead of you
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  answering it. Like they Stupid or backpedaling
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  in the aforementioned way that I talked about where you just make
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  up, any answer out of your ass. So for example if you're talking
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  to your husband and you know you and it's something like about
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  the kids and let's say so many men feel marginalized in there
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  in the input that they give about the kids like that their
• 5:23
  wife just does really just deeply does not give a shit what
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  they think and it's going to do whatever she wants.
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  And that is really not a good dynamic in any regard for any
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  topic. And so I use it because it's
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  common So let's say that you're a man, let's say your wife is
• 5:37
  what you perceive as a helicopter parent and she kind
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  of does everything with the kids, entire purview, whatever
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  you try to do. She basically, tells you is
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  wrong. This is not a an uncommon
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  Dynamic, it's called maternal gatekeeping, but so if you're a
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  wife and your husband hasn't anyway, indicated that he feels
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  that you don't take his input with the kids.
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  He's probably right. Right.
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  So if you want to have a happier marriage when he says something,
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  let's say you Add the schedule down to a science.
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  You could do a dissertation on how to schedule your kids after
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  school activities. And then he said something like,
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  you know, like why doesn't Johnny have an art class?
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  He's really into art. Usually you might turn and say
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  yeah because I don't have a clone of myself that could drive
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  his ass to art class when you want, you don't understand how
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  minutely down to the microsecond.
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  I have scheduled all of this stuff so that's why he can't
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  have an art class maybe he You have a coloring book, right?
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  So instead of saying that you could say good question, you
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  know? I mean he yeah I know he is into
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  art but like the thing is I can't really schedule too much
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  stuff. Do you have any ideas on how we
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  could give him an art class and if your husband feels like you
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  said, good question, and that it is a good question and you
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  actually think that it's a good question because it's a good
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  question. Maybe you notice Johnny's into
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  art and you are so consumed with the other things that you didn't
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  notice. Much that he is.
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  So then your husband's going to be more on board.
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  Maybe he could be like, well maybe we could do this, you
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  know, on the weekend or I would drive him you know.
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  Like I would find something which case you'd be like good
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  find something totally take it over, right?
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  So if you say good point or good question that in and of itself,
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  changes the frame, so many people do this at work and then
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  at home, they stopped on a dime and they don't do it ever again.
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  Once they enter their house, they may do it for their kids.
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  God no. Those people do it too much with
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  their kids, your kid could say, the sky is blue and you're like,
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  oh my God, is going to be a wonderful scientist.
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  It's such a great point. You break out the video camera
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  and you tell him to say it again, so you have it for
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  posterity when he wins a Nobel Prize, but the husband could say
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  something. Like, I wonder why like, you
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  know, this on your paycheck, takes out this much taxes and
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  you, he realizes that you're being underpaid by like five
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  hundred dollars and you be like, yeah, we'll see.
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  You finally looked at my paycheck.
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  It's so different. Right?
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  We very rarely acknowledge the good things in our spouse.
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  But constantly Heap, the praise on our children.
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  We should just like really chill the fuck out with both of those
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  things making a moderate. So stop insulting your spouse so
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  much covertly or overtly and stop.
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  Praising the kid for wiping himself and go somewhere in the
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  middle with both. So that you could recognize some
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  Positive comments that everybody says.
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  And this creates a culture in the home by the way of
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  positivity, if very little kids hear you say good point, they're
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  going to start this a good point.
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  Remember all those other things that they say that you've caught
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  them saying that are the bad things that you say, such as
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  cursing or saying things obnoxiously or like sighing and
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  rolling your eyes, you see your kids do all the stuff you do.
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  At least if you open your eyes to it you see it and it doesn't
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  feel good. It's usually the bad stuff that
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  they start to mimic. So give them some good things, a
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  good point, and don't be afraid to prompt and direct children.
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  If very, very directly and instructively how to say
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  something, and they do it. So, it's like what I've said
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  before, if you come home and you say, oh sweetheart, how was your
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  day to your tween daughter? And she looks at you and then
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  she looks back at her phone, you go over.
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  And you say, say how was your day Mom?
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  I shall do it especially if she knows, you're going to take the
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  phone and eventually she'll Like just doing it because that's how
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  people are when they learn a new trick.
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  And when they're told how to do it, if you have a home where you
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  ask your kids, how they are all the time and they never asked
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  you. They literally don't know how
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  you think, that they know how from watching what you do to
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  them, but you do a lot of shit for them that they don't do
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  back. So they don't even know.
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  Literally they don't even know that children ask their parents
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  how the parents are to, they don't know.
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  So you have to instruct them similarly to how I instructed,
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  Levi to say good question mommy. So now Says good question.
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  And I said, you know, like people like to hear this and
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  then there's some kid in his class that is older than him.
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  That he likes, you know, as a looks up to a little bit and I
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  said, wouldn't you feel good if such-and-such kid?
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  If you were talking, he said, good point Levi.
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  He said yeah, but he never says that I said, yeah, I know, I
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  know but, you know, but wouldn't you feel good?
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  You know, if he did and you could make somebody feel that
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  good by saying good point. Nor good question, right?
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  And so, this is a really good thing, especially if you're in a
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  dynamic. So many people are, especially
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  if you're in the mr. Perfect.
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  And it's crazy wife Dynamic, which I could link you to, in
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  addition to the Devil's. Advocate a lot of mr.
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  Perfect's play Devil's, Advocate.
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  By the way, no shock. If you are in a situation where
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  you're a man and your wife always thinks that you're out,
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  thinking her out talking her out.
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  Arguing her. Oh you think you're so smart
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  blah blah. Right?
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  She she is yours. Meaning for you to acknowledge
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  that she has a good point or a good question.
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  This is going to increase your chances of getting laid by 1
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  million and of just your wife feeling good about herself which
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  that in that indirectly influences, your odds of getting
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  laid and just of having a happy wife, happy wife, happy life.
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  So if usually let's say you're in charge of all the finances
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  and your, it's think about it like this, if you're in charge
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  of the finances, right? You're doing, you're figuring
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  out if you're going to refinance your house.
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  And I know there's women who do the finances.
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  I do the finances, by the way, you guys are not introducing me
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  to a new dynamic in the world. It's just that the majority and
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  I speak to the majority, as should, you know, people who
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  have a majority that they see more people, it's relevant that
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  the man does the finance. So that's going to be my
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  example. You're a captive audience, so
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  you could either click off because you're so offended, or
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  you could just listen. So, if you're a man who does the
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  finances, let's say, you're refinancing your house and your
• 12:04
  I've comes over and she says, but you know, why can't we just
• 12:08
  like ask for a lower rate? A lot of guys are gonna like,
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  roll their eyes be like, oh yeah.
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  Well, wouldn't that be nice and maybe blah, blah blah.
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  But if their kid came over, like their eight-year-old was like,
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  hey, why don't we just ask for a lower rate may be like good
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  question Johnny, it's a great question, but here's how all of
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  the financial markets and capitalism work and boy, are you
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  going to go into Finance, one day?
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  You're such a bright kid. Right.
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  But then to your wife, you're gonna like roll your eyes and
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  make it so much less likely that she ever asks, you a question
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  about anything in your purview again and then, you know what?
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  The funny part you're going to complain, I do everything around
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  there, I do all the finances. You don't even know how much
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  money we make, right? But if she asks you're an
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  asshole, this happens so much with budgeting and all sorts of
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  things. The woman has not been used to
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  doing this, or you can flip the gender.
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  Remember, if you're in the inverse situation, they're not
• 13:04
  To doing it. You want them, you wish you
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  fantasize that they would split the burden with you but the
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  first time they ask what you perceive as a stupid question.
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  Which is anything that doesn't come right out of a Wharton
• 13:15
  professors mouth. Honestly if you're real with
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  yourself then you say wow that maybe you would know if Bubba
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  what what is that going to get you absolutely nothing.
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  So when your spouse is asks, will you think it's a stupid
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  question act like you would if it was your kid, if it was your
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  kid, you probably think it's a smart question and you know what
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  for Somebody who has no idea about something.
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  They're like a child in that area.
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  So if you want to build on their enthusiasm answer their question
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  nicely, and if you want even bonus points, say it's a good
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  question because any question is a good question.
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  If somebody stepping out of their comfort zone and trying to
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  ask something, your wife probably had to build up some
• 13:52
  balls to ask you about. Why don't we just ask for a
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  lower rate? Even if you think it's the
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  stupidest question in the world, she has interacted with you for
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  so long. She knows you're going to think
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  it. So apparently she had to build
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  Some nerve to even ask you so reward that by saying it's a
• 14:07
  good question, you know. And you will perhaps then get a
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  wife. Who's really interested in
• 14:13
  sharing, the burden of the finances with you if she's
• 14:15
  incrementally exposed to how they work in a loving and
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  supportive way that you would if your kid asks the same question.
• 14:22
  Okay, so hopefully this made you think about this different, this
• 14:25
  is one you could start today. Some of my stuff, you know,
• 14:27
  planning a date night. That takes a little time.
• 14:30
  You know, learning 15 ways to help your highly sensitive wife.
• 14:33
  Want sex, That takes a little time.
• 14:35
  This one, you could start immediately.
• 14:37
  You could start it at work, you can start with your kids.
• 14:39
  Sure. You do it with your kids, but
• 14:42
  you can definitely start with your spouse.
• 14:43
  You could even start it over text.
• 14:44
  The next thing they say you could say, is good point.
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  Good question. Good idea.
• 14:48
  Good point, good question. Good idea.
• 14:49
  One of those going to be relevant to most things that
• 14:52
  somebody says about fact, even the stupidest thing, your wife
• 14:56
  could be like, can you pick up Frosted Flakes on your way?
• 14:58
  Home are you be like good idea? We're running out.
• 15:02
  She'll be so surprised. She'll think somebody stole Your
• 15:04
  fault. She'll wonder if you're cheating
• 15:06
  on her. She'll think you're totally
• 15:07
  different man, but if she figures out that you're just
• 15:10
  trying to be nicer your life will go a lot easier.
• 15:13
  Same thing for women. Women can be just as snide as
• 15:16
  men and as passive aggressive, obviously.
• 15:19
  So, the next time, your husband says, something that you think
• 15:21
  indicates a complete lack of knowledge about how the
• 15:24
  household works. Why don't you answer him and
• 15:28
  thereby, you teach him out of the household work?
• 15:30
  And that thing that he's so interested in can even become
• 15:32
  his specialty. When he, Earns more about it.
• 15:35
  Alright guys, have a great day. Subscribe to this podcast.
• 15:38
  Subscribe to my Facebook group, even know what I'm going to come
• 15:43
  up with next. I just have so many irons in the
• 15:45
  fire and I will talk to you guys soon.
• 15:48
  Bye.