Latest / The Daily Sarcast / May 26th, 2026: Placebo Buttons, NBA Finals And My AirPods Cases

Transcript

May 26th, 2026: Placebo Buttons, NBA Finals And My AirPods Cases · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is brought to you by doing things alone.
• 0:04
  It's really nice not having to talk to someone. And also, it's not that nice
• 0:09
  when you're somebody who can't shut the fuck up, like me.
• 0:12
  Crip probably got flack from his wife's boyfriend for being Homelander,
• 0:16
  being used in base memes, and had to write that ending as a groveling apology.
• 0:21
  Elon Musk's review of the boys' finale and then claimed he didn't even watch it.
• 0:26
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Surcast. I gave you the news and made me a laugh.
• 0:31
  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today is May 26, 2026. I love when there's like the
• 0:37
  same number as the same ending of the year.
• 0:39
  Like May 26, 2026. That sounds so good, right? And then like May 27,
• 0:45
  2027. That'll sound really good.
• 0:47
  There should be a name for that. Maybe there is. I don't know. Let me know.
• 0:50
  In real news, Cox Media and a couple marketing firms just got hit with a $930,000
• 0:57
  FTC settlement after claiming they could do something extremely dystopian.
• 1:05
  They said they could listen to people through their phones and smart devices
• 1:09
  and use those conversations to target ads.
• 1:12
  So they basically told advertisers, don't worry, we're in your customers'
• 1:16
  walls so we know exactly what they want and it's you
• 1:19
  it's very black mirror but here's
• 1:22
  the awkward reality check the federal trade commission says none of that was
• 1:27
  real there was no phones listening no secret audio surveillance and no creepy
• 1:33
  ai eavesdropping service it was just all in your little imagination and a sales
• 1:39
  deck with confidence issues.
• 1:41
  What they were actually doing was reselling email lists from data brokers and
• 1:46
  pretending it was advanced behavioral audio intelligence.
• 1:50
  So when they say, we hear your conversations, what they really mean was,
• 1:55
  we just bought 400,000 emails from someone and called it innovation.
• 2:00
  And also they lied about people opting in, which shockingly,
• 2:04
  regulators are not really into.
• 2:06
  So now it's a $930,000 settlement and a reminder that in ad tech,
• 2:12
  if someone says that they can hear your conversations through your phone,
• 2:15
  they're either lying or about to show you a pivot table that they think is groundbreaking.
• 2:20
  And in more lying news, apparently there are placebo buttons literally all around us.
• 2:27
  Which also kind of feels correct because half of adulthood is discovering that
• 2:32
  everything is fake and no one knows what they're doing.
• 2:35
  Like crosswalk buttons in New York City. Apparently most of them don't even do anything.
• 2:41
  Which means every time I'm hitting that button like I'm saving lives,
• 2:44
  the light was never really going to change.
• 2:47
  That button is basically a toddler activity.
• 2:50
  It's literally the city's going, here sweetie, press this button so you feel involved.
• 2:56
  I mean, it works. I hit it every single time with full confidence. Sometimes twice.
• 3:02
  Sometimes a lot more. Like somehow I'm able to turn The whole thing of traffic
• 3:08
  around And being able to make it work for me,
• 3:11
  Oh, and the elevator closed door button is another scam.
• 3:16
  Apparently, in a lot of elevators, the button either doesn't work right away
• 3:19
  or literally isn't connected to anything because of ADA timing rules.
• 3:24
  Meanwhile, there's literally always the one guy in there slamming it repeatedly
• 3:29
  like he's launching nukes. Like, sir, relax.
• 3:32
  The elevator has already made his choice and you are not Vin Diesel.
• 3:36
  But the office thermostat is the darkest one.
• 3:39
  Some office thermostats are apparently fake just to stop employees from complaining.
• 3:43
  I mean, that's psychotic behavior.
• 3:46
  Imagine sitting at your desk like, wow, they finally listened to me. It's cooler in here.
• 3:51
  Meanwhile, the thermostat is basically a Fisher-Price toy mounted to drywall.
• 3:56
  Corporate America really said, you want control over your environment?
• 4:00
  Best I can do is a decorative rectangle.
• 4:02
  The creepiest part is that scientists
• 4:05
  found people are happier when they think that they have control.
• 4:08
  Which means humanity is literally held together
• 4:11
  by fake buttons so honestly if
• 4:14
  you think about it society runs on placebo buttons the crosswalk button the
• 4:19
  elevator button the thermostat the unsubscribe button and emails the your call
• 4:24
  is very important to us message the mutant button during zoom meetings when
• 4:27
  someone's still clearly talking and the swipe right button on any dating at.
• 4:33
  None of it means anything. We're all just pressing shiny little circles,
• 4:38
  just trying to feel alive.
• 4:39
  The Western Conference Finals between the Oklahoma City Thunder and San Antonio
• 4:44
  Spurs is only halfway done, but the rest of the NBA already looks like it's buffering.
• 4:49
  Right now, the score is 2-2, and every game has seemed like a highlight reel.
• 4:55
  I can't talk today. There's been double overtime chaos, massive runs that flipped
• 5:00
  instantly, and the level of athleticism is literally insane.
• 5:06
  This isn't just about the playoffs anymore. This is a preview of what the league
• 5:10
  is about to become, whether everyone's ready or not.
• 5:13
  Both of these teams are so amazing, and most of the guys on both of their teams are under 30.
• 5:20
  Like, they're still getting better.
• 5:22
  Harrison Barnes, who's playing with the Spurs right now, is compared to a young Stephen Curry.
• 5:29
  So the NBA is about to get really exciting.
• 5:33
  Meanwhile, the Knicks are over here waiting in the East.
• 5:36
  Hoping whatever team comes out of this series is slightly exhausted.
• 5:41
  Go Knicks. In Lindsay life, I lost my AirPod case yet again.
• 5:47
  Thank God, knock on wood, that I never lose them with the AirPods in them.
• 5:51
  So instead of ordering a replacement case for the third or fourth time,
• 5:56
  I just grabbed one of the 10 from the lost and found at the gym.
• 6:00
  The woman at the front desk just pulls out like 10 different AirPod cases,
• 6:04
  and I looked at the dirtiest one and I said, yeah, that one's mine.
• 6:09
  Lindsay Lessons, a lesson by Linz. It's rude to throw out leftover birthday
• 6:14
  cake. You kind of have to eat it.
• 6:17
  Cooking tip of the day. You should probably listen to the cooking instructions
• 6:21
  on the box so your food isn't frozen when you're eating it.
• 6:25
  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
• 6:29
  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com.
• 6:31
  Thanks so much for listening. Talk to you guys tomorrow.