Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Never on Tuesday

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Never on Tuesday · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh god. Oh my god. Okay, alright, everything's
0:23
totally cool. Yeah, you feel better now. Seems
0:26
like you're okay. cheers sir oh god god in heaven
0:32
that's the problem like you have to keep drinking
0:34
it all the way through it's pretty awful because
0:36
i can't take this back in my car with me why
0:40
is that ooze colored i mean so you know it's
0:44
it's berry and cherry yeah this is the honestly
0:47
one of the worst things i've ever put in my mouth
0:49
it's pretty bad i mean for somebody who described
0:52
their like flavor palette as i like mountain
0:57
dew and would like to get drunk this actually
1:01
that was pretty on point that was myself as a
1:04
teenager i mean come on i i didn't know things
1:07
are you saying you're too good for uh boozy mountain
1:12
dew buzz balls berry cherry limeade no i it's
1:18
not that i'm gonna give any i couldn't think
1:19
of a name of a drink that combines how to do
1:21
and like liquor I think it's just Mountain Dew
1:25
and vodka. I thought it was whiskey. I don't
1:29
know. I don't really know. I'm not sure. It all
1:33
sounds bad. You never drank soda? No, I did growing
1:36
up, but I don't know. I mean, that's the thing.
1:39
I was a teenager and the idea was I like drinking
1:43
Mountain Dew because I was a computer idiot.
1:46
And, you know. I'm very on record as being a
1:50
surge guy myself. Yeah. Those commercials spoke
1:53
to me. In fact, one of the first college gatherings
1:56
I ever went to, um, I, I remember we had pizza
2:01
and beer and then I'm all like, Oh, this is awesome.
2:03
And then I went for the pizza and I'm like, why
2:05
would you ruin this with beer? I just want some
2:10
mountain too. Oh dear. I mean, it's been all
2:16
downhill since then. Then you like recycle those
2:19
bottles, get that money back. Oh yeah. Gotta
2:22
be in the right state for that. But yeah. Does
2:24
Washington not do that? No, no, no. We just do
2:29
the moral version. They shame you if you don't
2:33
recycle. It's true. Yeah. Well, we also don't
2:35
have to pay a deposit on the cans and bottles.
2:38
There's that too. But we do have to pay sales
2:40
tax. Yeah. We're not having to pay a guilt fee.
2:45
We just recycle because we can't. No, I mean,
2:47
there is. I mean, there's the sugar tax. Sugar
2:50
tax. Well, that's sugar tax. That's a fat tax.
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That's because our fucking kids are all fat asses
2:56
up here. Or, well, really, our state has chosen
3:00
to do something about it. By taxing the poor.
3:04
Yeah, basically. Yeah, they shouldn't be drinking
3:07
so much fucking sugary drinks. Yeah, they should
3:09
be drinking beer instead. Rich people pay the
3:12
tax, too, but they can afford liposuction and
3:14
Ozempic. Oh, dear. God fucking damn. Yeah, well,
3:21
you just have to drink another half of that ball.
3:24
This ball is mostly you because I drove and I'm
3:27
responsible. Well, responsible driving. No. Oh,
3:34
yes. Right. This movie starts off fucking strong.
3:39
It certainly starts off. I'll give it that much.
3:41
Well, before we get to that, welcome back to
3:43
Cage Magical and around about way meeting Nicholas
3:45
Cage. We were never going to get to a good segue,
3:48
so I'm just doing it so we can get this over
3:49
with. I'm your host. Oh, we had a good segue.
3:53
Peter did it. It wasn't a segue. He just started
3:56
talking about the movie. We were talking about
3:59
bad driving and safe driving, and then the movie
4:01
is part of that. That's the segue. Yeah, it starts
4:04
off with driving. You're just talking about nothing
4:06
now, as far as people are concerned. For now.
4:09
May I say, it doesn't quite start off with driving.
4:13
Shut up! And my co -host. Oh. Nix. Oh, jeez.
4:20
And a producer. We're Nix. Peter, hello. Why
4:25
is this happening? This is where you say your
4:28
name. Oh, my name is Hornback. Yeah, welcome
4:31
back, Hornback. We're glad that you were on this
4:34
one because it is a real, real banger of a movie.
4:38
Yeah, that's one way of putting it. I love bad
4:43
movies, but this I was actually mad at having
4:47
to have had watched this one. This is brought
4:50
to you by the mind that gave us. detroit rock
4:53
city is that all right yeah and he was the executive
4:56
producer on willie's wonderland yep and the chase
5:00
with charlie sheen oh yeah that's right oh he
5:03
helped produce willie's wonderland so he's like
5:05
one for three yeah cool you guys actually did
5:09
research on this piece of crap I looked at IMDb
5:12
for like 20 seconds because I was bored watching
5:15
it. I was curious about it because like a movie
5:17
like this is weird because clearly he's tied
5:19
into the scene because it is filled with cameos,
5:22
right? I mean, like there aren't that many actors
5:24
in this movie total and most of them are celebrities
5:28
for like a few minutes at a time. Like that's
5:31
impressive. Do you think that's him being tied
5:34
in or is that like the producer that egged him
5:37
into or like encouraged him to? write a uh it's
5:42
it's a good question i mean he must be tied in
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somehow it's still just too random that you would
5:46
get that he was only 19 right he made what yeah
5:50
oh yeah he was 19 years old and he was asked
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like approached by this producer he's like hey
5:56
do you uh do you have a script for a teen comedy
6:00
and he's like sure i sure bet i do and then he
6:04
went home and wrote this over a weekend sounds
6:06
right this is like a 48 hour Okay. Crank out.
6:10
For those of you listening, this week we're discussing
6:13
the movie Never on Tuesday by director Adam Rifkin.
6:18
Yeah. I'd recommend it on Never on any day. I
6:23
think I'm the only one who actually enjoyed this
6:25
because it's a big piece of shit, but it's pretty
6:27
fun. No, I mean, I shockingly enjoyed this film.
6:31
But before we get to that, Nick, I don't care
6:33
which one, what happens in this film? Okay, so...
6:37
uh it's it's a movie starring two morons and
6:40
um they are who are those morons uh matt and
6:45
eddie i i believe are their names correct i mean
6:47
what are the actors names i don't know i i don't
6:51
care andy lauer plays matt and peterberg plays
6:54
eddie not that it matters they are yeah i don't
6:56
know who these people are um okay so it kind
7:00
of opens with um something that i've in in my
7:05
late teenage years found myself thinking which
7:08
is like i'm not getting laid therefore it's not
7:13
me that's the problem it's where i am and so
7:16
they're like well we should just go to where
7:18
the hot chicks are so they're watching this um
7:21
homemade creep shot thing on a beach somewhere
7:26
in california and then they get it in their head
7:28
that oh we're not losers we're just in the wrong
7:32
place so we got to go to la where there are many
7:36
hot chicks and we'll have all of them all of
7:38
the time so much tail so much tail i like how
7:41
your solution to that was to go to seattle i
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mean yours was to go to portland I thought going
7:47
to the big city would help. I didn't go to Portland
7:50
because I didn't come to Portland for chicks.
7:51
I came to Portland to get away from you guys.
7:53
There you go. So anyways, they're like, let's
7:57
go to L .A. because we don't have jobs or something.
8:01
And then they start driving out that way. Home
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dude is like totally obsessed with his hair.
8:08
And then it's just two bros jerking each other
8:11
off in a car. Yeah, basically. And then. uh they
8:16
they start like getting all distracted uh driving
8:20
yeah you do driving all over the road crash into
8:24
some like poor uh lady who we find out is the
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um uh the titular tuesday yeah titular tuesday
8:33
which by the way may i just say tuesday is not
8:35
the name of a person it's not a person's name
8:37
no it's not a person's name why i am so mad that
8:41
they would do this like wednesday okay we've
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got wednesday that's fine i accept that gal friday
8:47
that's a name i've heard sure They only did this
8:51
so they could say never on Tuesday is the title.
8:53
But like, it's not the name of a freaking person.
8:56
And this is definitely a thing where they had
8:59
like someone had copyrighted a title name and
9:01
they needed a movie to go with it. It definitely
9:03
smacks of that. It's a weird choice just in general.
9:06
Yeah. So anyway, they hit this poor lady. They
9:11
think they killed her, but it turns out they
9:13
don't. I mean. They meet up as they're trying
9:17
to do insurance stuff and they find out she is
9:22
a lesbian. But she's a really hot lesbian. So,
9:26
you know, we don't even have to go all the way
9:28
to L .A. We've got like this hot chick right
9:31
here. So therefore, you know, we should just
9:34
put the moves on and we'll definitely get ultra
9:38
laid. Right. Because she just hasn't had that
9:40
good dick. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously these guys
9:44
are the ones to do it. No one else but but them.
9:48
So. But Eddie's got great hair. So their cars
9:54
are both pretty fucked in this accident that
9:57
they totally caused by being morons. So they're
10:00
stranded in the middle of the desert. They make
10:03
absolutely zero effort to, you know, survive.
10:08
And weird encounters happen. They're really weird
10:14
encounters. The entirety of this movie. Yeah.
10:18
Yeah. So. But, you know, eventually they realize
10:24
they're not going to turn her straight. And also
10:28
she befriends them and they bad things almost
10:33
happen to everyone. It really seems like. But
10:36
eventually they get on a tow truck and. That's
10:41
the end of the movie. Literally nothing happens
10:44
in this total piece of crap. If they were the
10:46
nineties, early nineties, and I just like was
10:49
flipping channels and I caught this movie somewhere
10:52
in the middle, I would have assumed like the
10:55
channels that like had soft core porn that occasionally
10:59
like for two days became available, like Cinemax
11:02
or something. I would have assumed that's what
11:03
this was and would have watched the entire thing
11:05
for like. The hope of some nipple. Yeah, which
11:09
there was. Yes. We're keyed in. We know what's
11:14
up. My initial reaction, my initial text to Peter
11:17
when I started this film was like, oh, joy, a
11:19
sex pest film quickly followed by. I'm not not
11:24
unconvinced. I'm watching a porn. Yeah. Yeah.
11:28
I mean, God, there's so many freaking stupid
11:31
scenes in this, but I just. absolutely love how
11:35
clueless these guys are and um overall it honestly
11:40
hit a little close to home these these guys remind
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me of kind of myself and a college buddy i had
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trying to figure out how to get laid and um i'm
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assuming you identify as uh eddie and that's
11:55
correct uh Good hair. Like boning all the time.
12:02
You know, very even keeled and not worried about
12:05
anything ever. Oh, yes. Definitely chill. Yeah.
12:09
Not the clearly on the spectrum. man uh he was
12:15
a delight though his fantasies by the way were
12:17
the absolute best oh yeah his fantasies were
12:20
the best part of this film i love that he is
12:23
always being carried by her she carries him oh
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yeah throws him on the bed as someone who exclusively
12:31
loves like tall women yeah i get it His second
12:38
fantasy was my favorite. Is that the dinner party?
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Yes. My God. Where he just like picks up the
12:44
turkey and like starts tearing into it and spitting
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on everybody that's there. Okay. Honestly, everything
12:50
about this scene was totally amazing. He starts
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like insulting everyone and they're not hot chicks.
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And they're like totally down to be like, yeah,
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you know, I guess we're ugly. We're in earshot,
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but you know. And Eddie, you've got the ugliest
13:04
wife of all. And to be fair, she is a pretty
13:08
ugly lady and this but then matt is all like
13:12
not like my tuesday and then and then this tuesday
13:16
lady's all like yeah so we're gonna fuck on this
13:20
turkey carcass and then and then like in the
13:24
midst of their passion this like candle starts
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going flying they're literally burning down their
13:30
house in this fantasy that's how hot it was Yeah,
13:35
I mean, definitely. There's also a joke about
13:36
stuffing here. Okay. God damn it. Gross. I had
13:45
to be normal all day. I was at like a proper
13:48
work function. Yeah, let it out. Well, I'm never
13:52
going to want to go to Thanksgiving again, so
13:54
thank you. Yeah, Matt's fantasies were definitely
13:57
the better ones. Then there's the one where he's
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like on a bed in the middle of the desert. She's
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riding him and there's just like a bunch of...
14:03
yeah ballerina dancing around like full like
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an actual like topless scene and everything for
14:11
tuesday and just children dancing around them
14:14
while they hump yeah yeah incredible that would
14:17
that was caused by his heat stroke i'm pretty
14:19
sure but yeah hot strokes out of that yeah and
14:22
and meanwhile all this is well all of this is
14:26
happening it's the hot desert sun um they have
14:29
exactly one Looks like half gallon of water or
14:33
something. It's the water from her windshield
14:36
wiper. And they're all like, oh, I'm not going
14:40
to drink that. They're like 75 miles away from
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like the nearest town. Yeah. And just kind of
14:47
decide that they're going to wait for a passerby
14:49
to like help them. Only to like meet the craziest
14:53
people. And what a passerby you get to start.
14:56
Yeah. I rewatched this scene just to like really
15:06
see how long it was. And honestly, if they would
15:11
have just been like, yeah, we need a ride. They
15:13
would have been fine. Yeah, totally. Yeah. But
15:16
that would have canceled their potential to bone.
15:18
Yeah. But Eddie like sent Nick. This is Nick
15:21
Cage's cameo. Eddie sends him away because he's
15:24
going to bone down. Well, also, he's a. extremely
15:28
crazy person yeah he's very creepy is everybody
15:31
okay do you need a lift i've heard like i've
15:37
heard that voice so much that didn't get me it
15:40
was the fucking nose oh yeah why why why was
15:44
he wearing this thing i don't know i mean so
15:47
dear dear listeners he's wearing like the biggest
15:50
craziest prosthetic nose it's like It's an airplane
15:53
wing. It's an airplane wing hanging off of his
15:56
face. He looks insane. It's like a cirrus to
15:58
bourgeois situation. Yeah, it is. It is definitely.
16:01
Well pronounced. Nailed it. Nailed it. I went
16:06
to college. Yeah, you found every letter in that
16:09
one. I mean, his performance is hilarious to
16:13
me. It makes no fucking sense. I have no idea
16:15
why he did this movie. I don't know why anybody
16:17
did this movie. Aside from Matt Nettie, like
16:21
clearly. They got to touch a boob. From my mild
16:24
Google, Carrie Oles or someone related to Carrie
16:27
Oles was a producer on this. Yeah, it's his brother
16:30
or something like that. Yeah, he was also on
16:33
the crew. Yeah. So when I was watching this,
16:37
it was early in the morning before work one day.
16:41
And, you know, I got it on and my partner wakes
16:47
up and is like. are you watching Babylon five
16:50
or something? And I'm like, which is a very reasonable
16:54
thing for you to have been watching. Yeah, exactly.
16:58
And now she, she ain't know anything about, she
17:00
didn't even like watch what was to see what was
17:02
on the TV. She just asked from the other room.
17:05
Well, this was crazy to me. I had no idea about
17:09
any of this. So first of all, I've never seen
17:11
Babylon five. I need to, to, to be, you know,
17:14
kind of a proper nerd. And I watched a fair bit
17:17
of it. Apparently, Claudia, what's her face was
17:21
was a major character on there. Oh, really? Claudia
17:24
Christian. Yeah. Yeah. And so she knows all kinds
17:28
of weird trivia, things like that. Immediately
17:31
recognize this actress. And I'm all like, no,
17:35
this is definitely not that. Not a chance. She's
17:38
been anything other than this. So I'm really
17:41
surprised about that. But also Babylon 5 is now
17:45
ruined for me because all I'm going to think
17:47
about is like. Some lady named Tuesday, which
17:50
also somehow in this day and a half that they're
17:54
stranded, she has like four different outfits
17:57
that she changed. Oh, yeah. Which is she has
17:59
three costumes on day one. What's going on here?
18:03
Also, who drives like a 70s Volkswagen Beetle
18:08
in high heels? Yeah, that just seems I don't
18:11
know anything about cross country. Cross country.
18:13
I got to feel like you can't really do. The pedals.
18:16
I do know something about heels. And yeah, I
18:18
wouldn't do it. Seems really dumb. Yeah, it's
18:22
not driving shoes for sure. Now, when you're
18:24
going across the desert, you wear comfortable
18:27
shit. But she's not here to be a character. She's
18:31
here to be the the sexy, lustful thing. They're
18:34
all caricatures. Yeah. Yeah. this sort of the
18:38
male gaze thing but i mean they don't know she
18:41
was a female gay that's the female gaze she was
18:46
for the female gaze her acting was pretty flat
18:49
though yeah yeah she was terrible yeah in that
18:53
regard i so when i started this movie i started
18:55
this on sunday in the afternoon assuming i wouldn't
19:00
have time to watch it because i before uh we
19:03
recorded because work and stuff and then i'm
19:06
20 minutes in assuming this is going to be a
19:08
horrid sex pest movie assuming that you know
19:11
They're going to fix her. And I'm like, I don't
19:13
I don't want to watch this. And then when I came
19:15
back to finish and said, I'm like, oh, God, let's
19:17
get into it. And then you realize like, oh, no,
19:19
these boys are going to learn a lesson. And like
19:21
the lesson is that they want to make out with
19:23
each other and jerk each other off. It's OK.
19:25
Yeah, there really are two buds. Isn't like a
19:28
positive conclusion to this, except for some
19:30
reason she's got weird Stockholm syndrome. yeah
19:34
about these two guys about them like she goes
19:36
she's very swingy with the i'm a lesbian like
19:40
why are you guys like trying to do this to be
19:43
like oh let's just be best friends to like back
19:46
and forth i don't know i mean that's just bad
19:48
writing i'm my point b was that from when this
19:52
movie came out and what i assumed the genre would
19:56
entail i was actually quite happy to see like
19:59
oh no she's they kept her a lesbian there's no
20:04
ambiguity there by the end. And they learn a
20:08
lesson about like between women with respect,
20:10
not something I expect from an eighties film.
20:13
I'll be honest. Most eighties comedies. I expect
20:16
some form of rape. Yeah. And there was none of
20:19
that. Yeah. It's a, it's a really weird movie.
20:22
I mean, unsurprisingly hard to find a copy of
20:25
it. It was a direct to VHS. Never came out on
20:27
DVD. Yeah, the company that was going to put
20:30
it on DVD folded beforehand, unfortunately. Really?
20:33
If only we could have gotten this one for your
20:36
collection. Yeah, no. I'll have to just settle
20:40
for a poster, I guess. Yeah, we got to find you
20:43
a VHS. And a VHS player. It can sit on my shelf
20:48
next to my VHS copy of City of Angels. Oh, that's
20:51
because I thought it was Zandily. No, God, I
20:53
wish I had a VHS of Zandily. I have a DVD of
20:56
Zandily. French import. Oh, that's what it was.
20:59
Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, by the way, you made it sound
21:03
like they, you know, learn a lesson toward the
21:05
end. I don't think they did. Yeah, I don't think
21:08
anybody grows. They were fantasizing about her
21:10
to the end. They were even like both of them
21:13
were like, hey, I know you're still a lesbian,
21:16
but I find you hot at the end. Like that was
21:19
their last conversations with her before she
21:21
leaves. And she still sheds a tear and looks.
21:24
I mean, she was hot. Well, yeah, but that's still
21:28
coming on to somebody like your last interaction
21:31
with somebody is like, I'm gonna give it one
21:33
more pass. Nice boobs. I don't know. I'm just
21:35
saying like, hey, you want to kiss me in front
21:37
of these fucking tow truck drivers? They did
21:41
not instigate that. She did that to make the
21:43
tow truck to make them look bigger than they
21:45
were for the other men. But why? Yeah. Yeah.
21:50
To boost their egos, because dude was like talking
21:53
about all his sexual conquests. She's never going
21:55
to see them again. She wants to make them feel
21:58
good because she actually wound up liking the
22:00
idiots. Well, then she should have just boned
22:02
them. Or at least a pity handjob. Yeah, I kind
22:05
of agree. Pity handski. Also, I honestly thought
22:09
this movie was going to end very badly because
22:12
like one of the last things that happened and
22:14
there's like no payoff to this whatsoever. It's
22:18
like the tow truck driver taking her is all like,
22:21
I'm not even a real tow truck driver. Yeah. Oh,
22:25
you mean Emilio Estevez? Emilio! I'm just filling
22:30
in for my friend. Yeah. And I'm like, I honestly
22:33
thought that was going to be a plot point, but
22:35
no credits. Yeah. What do you guys think of the
22:39
music in this movie? So I rewatched it today
22:43
after work and I was struck by the fact that
22:46
there is no music leading into the film. Oh,
22:49
yeah. You get like a couple seconds of like kind
22:51
of a like background noise sort of thing with
22:55
like just like as they're loading up the eight
22:59
millimeter film of Beach Party 83 that they were
23:03
watching. And then it's just voiceover of them
23:06
talking about like California girls. And you
23:10
don't get any music until like it's as a movie.
23:13
Yeah, I'm a girl watcher. I'm a girl watcher.
23:18
I forgot about that. Yeah, it was very subtle.
23:22
Again, why I thought this movie was going to
23:24
be much worse than it actually was. Yeah, I mean,
23:27
it's not good. Let's also remind everybody it's
23:30
not a good movie. Yeah, 100 percent. You do not
23:32
need to see this movie ever. I saw I think it
23:35
was on IMDb or Wikipedia or something, but I
23:37
thought it was interesting. They had such a low
23:39
budget. They had to shoot it all on like film
23:41
stock extras. Oh, yeah. Just the end is shorts
23:45
or whatever. Yeah. So like they had to cram scenes
23:47
as much as they could because they were going
23:49
to run out of fucking film. Yeah. Which, you
23:52
know, good on them. Like, keep it tight. A lot
23:55
of cool indie films get shot that way. Sometimes
23:57
if you if you've got something that needs to
23:59
be out in the world, you do what you got to do.
24:02
And sometimes. I mean, if you're going to make
24:05
this movie. You do what you got to do. Yeah.
24:09
It did give us 30 seconds, 27 seconds of Nicolas
24:12
Cage. Yeah. And that voice really it did work
24:16
for me. Yeah. Now it's a weird pervy expression
24:19
as Eddie's like, no, no, we're OK. And he's like.
24:24
yeah looking down over his nose it's great physical
24:29
comedy for our audio oh yeah no this is the one
24:32
that we're gonna actually make a video version
24:34
of yeah i repurposed the toilet cam just for
24:38
this one baby here we go what what did we think
24:41
of uh What do we think of the rest of the cameos?
24:45
Yeah. So the next one up is a lucky. Yeah. Lucky
24:48
Larry. Lucky Larry Lupin. Yeah. Yeah. So. Which
24:52
I just felt like such a rip off from Gremlins,
24:58
but it's fine. I mean, it's over fast enough,
25:02
which is more than I can say for. charlie charlie
25:05
sheens was just kind of dragged that one does
25:08
drag on a little too long but uh gilbert godfrey
25:11
is gilbert godfrey i mean you get what you get
25:14
so also charlie sheen at his most like just puffy
25:18
faced drug addled oh yeah no he was definitely
25:22
upset that he hadn't done coke that day like
25:25
he was like i've been doing coke for 18 days
25:28
straight i'm full of tiger blood and here we
25:32
are i like i think what what's the text i said
25:35
you guys like does anyone else get the feeling
25:37
that charlie sheen just stumbled onto this set
25:40
and they left the cameras rolling yeah i do have
25:42
to say though um i think that the across the
25:47
eye face scar is the most badass scar that you
25:50
can get yeah where do you how do you and he had
25:54
like the glassy milky eye from like oh yeah thing
25:57
Then he says a bunch of terrible things. Really
26:01
horrible shit. I mean, it was the late 80s, but
26:03
yeah, it was it's rough. I did. OK, so the part
26:07
of that, even though that scene does drag on
26:08
a long time when they're just like listing different
26:11
things in the car. Yeah, the records are Iron
26:15
Butterfly in the car. the one from the tv in
26:19
the car yeah they didn't have to go through everything
26:22
he wasn't looking so yeah charlie sheen is like
26:25
charlie sheen drives by and like immediately
26:29
just pulls a knife takes the nerdy one hostage
26:32
and like just starts demandingly like put all
26:35
their good stuff in his car including the the
26:39
for -purpose brush that they bought from lucky
26:41
larry lupin earlier yeah and matt's menorah whatever
26:47
in the car oh god okay and then after that it's
26:52
judd nelson as the cop with the like hitler stash
26:55
that was my i think that was my favorite of the
26:58
cameos nicholas cage aside yeah like he was great
27:02
he was insane like as far as cops go like he's
27:06
such a weird character he's all sweating he's
27:09
like pitting out in his uniform and he's like
27:13
clearly wearing a fake mustache and like making
27:16
sure it's on right it's it's a very weird and
27:21
unhinged kind of uh performance there i i like
27:25
that one i think the most i think he has my favorite
27:29
quote from this movie and i'm probably not going
27:30
to do it total justice but he he's about to leave
27:33
and then he pulls his gun out you'll freeze loser
27:36
and he points it at matt and they're all like
27:38
hands up and then he's like Just kidding. And
27:42
he goes, I love my job. He rides off like kicking
27:46
his legs out on the side on his fucking chips
27:49
motorcycle. That does sound like a very good
27:53
job. Fucking with random people who are stranded.
27:56
Oh, yeah. Being a cop and having total immunity
27:58
for all the shit you do. Absolutely. I'm sure.
28:01
Great. Literally a license to murder. My God.
28:04
Doing favorite quotes like there's one I just
28:07
can't ignore that just really I absolutely loved.
28:11
And that's about two thirds of the way through
28:13
the movie when Matt finally realizes that, you
28:18
know, they're actually in real trouble, which
28:19
took way too long. He starts freaking out and
28:22
then he says, I'm no dingling, not me. God damn
28:29
it, you took my quote. i'm like first of all
28:33
you are a ding -a -ling i mean can we agree that
28:36
like of the main characters matt is the best
28:38
one oh yeah so my quote like we're just getting
28:43
into it now is there like eddie is blaming matt
28:47
for everything and he's like oh good i guess
28:49
lou gehrig's disease is my fault also it's like
28:53
way to just pull out lou gehrig's disease It's
28:56
a good one. You're not really going to offend
28:59
anyone. Well, since Hornback stole mine. Yeah.
29:04
Because I do love, I do love, my other one is
29:06
just when, I think it's right after that, Matt's
29:09
just there playing with like this, like really
29:12
old Batman toy. And he's like, no Batman! i love
29:19
when like the action figure falls off the door
29:22
and he's like oh no batman the riddler is gonna
29:25
get away but he's just like silently in the background
29:30
doing this like he's not the focus he steals
29:33
the focus but well i mean you think about like
29:36
having to shoot on these film shorts and everything
29:38
and they like chose that that was yeah that's
29:41
worth going in that's great i mean there's a
29:44
lot of things they don't do like seek shade or
29:48
like you know they do they do throw a football
29:51
yeah conserving energy the first thing the first
29:54
thing they do is play foot is like play a game
29:57
you know catch yeah No, the first thing that
30:01
happens is the picnic. She has a costume change
30:03
and then they play football. Oh, yeah. And the
30:07
picnic. What does he what does Matt say about
30:09
the Kiwi? He looks he's like it looks like a
30:12
hairy turd. That was a hairy ball or something.
30:15
No, I think he said it was like looks like a
30:17
turd with hair. He had never seen a Kiwi. Yeah.
30:22
Well, Ohio, right? All right. Get ready for California,
30:26
boys. They're screwed when they get there. Yeah,
30:30
with all that pussy. Yeah. A different lady every
30:34
night. Good one, Johnny. I just I love their
30:40
logic. There are no ladies in Ohio. Right. All
30:44
of the ladies are in L .A. Well, California's
30:47
got so many good looking babes. They're spilling
30:49
out into all the surrounding states. Eddie taught
30:52
me that. The surrounding states being like. Nevada.
30:58
Yeah. And Oregon. It kind of seems like you guys
31:03
liked this film. It was really atrocious. So
31:07
like normally when I'm when I'm watching a movie,
31:09
especially if I'm going to talk about it or whatever,
31:12
try to watch it twice or maybe even three times.
31:16
So I made it through all the way once. And then
31:19
I just started fast -forwarding through the scenes
31:21
the second time I watched it, trying to see,
31:24
did I miss anything? Was there anything even
31:26
remotely subtle? Nope. It was... Oh, like a true
31:31
story to tell? No, no. No, I mean, like, okay,
31:34
like, did I miss something? Right, was there
31:37
some, like... some cinematic gold happening somewhere
31:41
on it no okay so like i did rewatch a second
31:44
time just like in a quick speed run and there
31:46
was something that did like there were a couple
31:48
times where i like laughed again and there was
31:50
one in the the ugly wife scene where eddie's
31:52
ugly wife kisses him and then his hand does this
31:55
like spasm thing oh my god yeah yes all right
32:00
that's that's it was it was pretty good and i
32:02
hadn't noticed it the first time it was like
32:03
oh man that's that's funny like it's a funny
32:06
little touch it's not good acting it's not good
32:08
anything but it's something i didn't catch the
32:10
first time so yeah no i i definitely god i hate
32:14
that we all kind of watch this twice i watched
32:16
it a full like at normal speed twice all the
32:19
way through today and it loses a lot once you've
32:23
heard the jokes once like the jokes don't get
32:25
a second laugh like that's the problem with it
32:27
it's like you watch it the first time and you're
32:29
like oh i'm gonna laugh at this because i can't
32:32
believe i'm watching this then you watch it again
32:36
I guess I kind of agree. Like, I really didn't
32:39
get anything out of it after a second watch.
32:42
Other than, like, it did hit a little close to
32:46
home because, like, I swear to God, I was not
32:48
unlike these guys early college thinking that
32:52
my only problem was where I was living. Kent?
32:57
Bellingham, actually. Oh, yeah. Which was...
33:00
Probably had better chances in Bellingham. Yeah,
33:03
no, definitely. All I had to do was not be an
33:06
idiot. Did you ever consider a love walk? No,
33:11
because I didn't value the outdoors back then.
33:14
I was deep in the throes of World of Warcraft.
33:18
Oh, yeah. Did you consider an ugly wife? Yes,
33:21
I did. Because I thought, you know, if you shoot,
33:25
if you go low, then your chances are good. When
33:31
did you start valuing the outdoors? That's a
33:35
good point. I think it was a mushroom trip I
33:38
did. Hey, OK. Yeah. All right. I respect that.
33:41
Top five mushroom trips. First time, definitely
33:47
number one, you know, college friends that were
33:51
a little bit better, I suppose. And I guess the
33:57
second time. I took a proper dose and I knew
34:00
what I was in for. So I just had this brief moment
34:03
where I knew everything. Of course, I didn't
34:07
know anything, but I thought I did. And that
34:09
was really kind of awesome. What about the butthole
34:12
massage chair? Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I could not.
34:16
I miss that. Yeah, I have some weird ticklish
34:19
thing where like I cannot. On your butthole?
34:22
I can't do like a lot of normal massage stuff.
34:25
Like it actually like. makes me very very uncomfortable
34:28
yeah so everyone else is like enjoying this like
34:32
amazing massage share nobody loved it as much
34:36
as josh though yeah let's be real josh was gonna
34:38
marry that thing oh yeah if that was an option
34:41
i mean okay wait worst mushroom trip uh that
34:47
would probably if i may um the time i did acid
34:51
uh i suppose well it's not mushrooms unless you
34:54
did them both That would be bad. Come on, similar
34:57
note. Okay, it was a very good experience, except
35:00
I was rolling around with a friend of mine. Okay.
35:04
Just two buds jerking each other off. Looking
35:06
for lesbos. Go ahead. I mean, we were both on
35:10
acid and he was driving, so it was... It sounds
35:14
like the start of this fucking movie. Yeah, it
35:16
was a very unsafe thing. yeah i was the driver
35:23
on an acid trip too i understand my god really
35:26
well i took us up to the mountain and i got hot
35:29
like it kicked in maybe only in like the last
35:33
10 minutes of the drive and then we just started
35:36
hiking in the woods that's if you hit any traffic
35:41
at all i mean It's it's all like what the mountain
35:44
traffic in the middle of Montana. I don't know.
35:47
Maybe everyone's going in the mountains. I you
35:50
don't know what one acid. It's fine. Yeah, do.
35:52
That wasn't a concern at that point. The first
35:55
time I ever did mushrooms, I was in college and
35:57
my buddy like we were super worried about it.
35:59
And he he packed them in like special candy wrappers
36:03
so he could like fly it on the plane and everything.
36:05
It was absolutely insane. So we took it. We had
36:08
no idea what to expect. And then we were just
36:09
like sitting around. waiting for the come up
36:11
and we were watching cartoon network and there's
36:14
an episode of dexter's laboratory where he gets
36:17
like set backwards and is walking and talking
36:21
in reverse and it was a very very weird way to
36:25
start coming up because we were just like are
36:27
we fucked up or is this like the show and later
36:29
i watched it i was like this is the trippiest
36:31
fucking episode but yeah that's it was amazing
36:34
pretty weird i got to experience the barbie movie
36:37
on mushrooms and that was Awesome. That would
36:41
be a pretty decent one. Yeah, that's just kind
36:43
of out there enough. Yeah, I wouldn't want to
36:46
do Barbenheimer on mushrooms. No, that one takes
36:49
a turn. Second half of this trip sucked. Probably
36:56
the second time I did mushrooms, my friend was
37:00
like, we should watch The Wire. What? Yeah, let's
37:06
watch. getting somebody beat up a minority that's
37:10
a great way to get high yeah oh man your friend
37:16
kicks ass they know a good time i wasn't going
37:21
to mention this because i'm like i reread this
37:23
and it wasn't that good i was looking at reviews
37:25
for this movie on imdb and there's one that stood
37:27
out to me um for a couple reasons one it was
37:31
the review was given on my birthday two it was
37:35
by white mark with a second K and a seven. He
37:40
gave it three out of 10. I won't read the whole
37:43
thing, but he's like, I came across the movie
37:44
scene that Nicolas Cage made a cameo. I decided
37:47
to watch it since it was on Netflix. This movie
37:49
is one of the most boring movies I've ever watched.
37:51
The characters are goofy, unrealistic, blah,
37:53
blah, blah. So keep away from this movie unless
37:59
you want to come for the cameo appearances. Nicolas
38:03
Cage and Charlie Sheen. generously give it two
38:06
out of ten because of the cameos he gave it three
38:09
stars huh good job white mark seven yeah mark
38:13
seven wait uh so white mark seven reviewed it
38:19
on your birthday your birthday this year or of
38:22
what year no no like 12 years ago oh okay When
38:26
did this movie get made, by the way? I mean,
38:28
88, but it's one of the it was a direct to VHS
38:30
sort of situation. So we actually did things
38:33
a little out of chronological order accidentally.
38:35
So we should have done this one last episode,
38:38
but whatever. We talked Italians in a different
38:41
bad movie. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I don't
38:46
think there's much else to say about the movie
38:47
itself. Cage grid. Phenomenal performance by
38:51
Nicolas Cage. Terrible film. Top 10. Yeah. I
38:57
put this as I like this movie. I think it is
39:01
so goddamn stupid, but I enjoyed myself. So I'm
39:06
with Peter on this one. I enjoyed this film.
39:08
I enjoyed Nicolas Cage. I enjoyed all the cameos.
39:12
They're all. And that's kind of Rifkin's thing,
39:15
isn't it? He just like he likes having weird
39:16
celebrity cameos like. Yeah, I mean, he must
39:18
be connected. He's he's got buddies. So, yeah,
39:21
I think of the chase. And for whatever reason,
39:23
Anthony Kiedis and Fleer in that movie. Right.
39:26
I think that if I saw this movie when I was 17,
39:30
my early 20s would have gone a lot better. Because
39:35
you would have known what to do and not to do.
39:37
I some self -reflection, you know, kind of kind
39:42
of realizing that women are people, you know,
39:45
there's ladies everywhere. And maybe the location
39:50
isn't the problem. You know, it's. You're with
39:54
a problem. Are you sure you would be able to
39:56
see the forest for the trees? We can help you
39:58
with this, Nick. You're the problem. I know.
40:02
I know. I'm telling you. Ugly wife. That's the
40:04
trick. I... Yeah. There's an old song that's
40:08
about that. It's like, if you want to be happy
40:11
for the rest of your life, you've got to make
40:13
a pretty woman your wife. But from my personal
40:16
point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.
40:19
Because ugly girls don't cheat on you. Oh, okay.
40:24
I can't remember who sang that song. Sounds like
40:27
it would be a Randy Newman. It is not a Randy
40:29
Newman, but it does seem like it should be. Someone
40:32
get out Shazam. Peter, do it again and see if
40:35
it... There's no chance I will ever sing a song
40:38
that Shazam will think is the song. I guarantee
40:41
you. I want to know what Shazam thinks it is.
40:44
That's the game. So that's Never on a Tuesday.
40:49
I really just wish that I watched something else,
40:53
to be honest with you. Well, you didn't. You
40:55
watched this. Thank you. But we're glad to have
40:57
you on. Well, yeah, it's sort of good to be here.
41:02
Like, oh, let me top you off. Yeah, you need
41:04
a little more buzzball. Oh, dear God. We're going
41:07
to get into a second recording. Yeah, we actually
41:10
weren't recording yet. This is the warm up. We
41:12
do this with everybody nowadays. You got to crack
41:14
one buzzball. do the real recording can i oh
41:18
yeah please let me tell you what i really think
41:21
these are laced with mushrooms too so yeah watching
41:25
watching you guys do this to yourselves i'm so
41:28
glad i'm not there what are we watching next
41:30
peter uh next i think is amos and andrew or firebirds
41:35
i don't remember um off the top of my head we're
41:38
watching uh firebirds with nicholas cage and
41:41
tommy lee jones next oh that's right i forgot
41:44
about that Oh, and Sean Young. Can I ask you
41:48
guys a question? I prefer Sean Old. I would like
41:51
to know what makes the cut as far as a movie
41:53
featuring Nicolas Cage, because this one had
41:56
27 seconds. So I'm trying to figure out. He had
42:02
a little bit more in Fast Times. Arguably, he
42:06
had more lines in this than he did in Fast Times.
42:10
Fast Times. We had two lines and a laugh here.
42:13
Yeah. So. And a lot of very good facial acting.
42:17
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We're just kind
42:20
of going through the catalog now. It's like we're
42:23
having fun. We're just doing it. Don't don't
42:25
ruin our fun, Nick. There's probably a couple
42:26
of them that we won't do that just seem unfun.
42:29
But this one was fun. I, you know, as much as
42:33
I honestly hated this, this complete and utter
42:36
piece of crap. It was fun. And I was able to
42:42
burn through it in a morning before work meetings.
42:46
And I'm really surprised because I honestly thought
42:51
there was going to be something I got out of
42:54
it, but it was just the ride itself. And it could
42:59
have gone in so many different directions. It
43:01
could have turned into some kind of horror survival
43:05
thing. Like it actually could have started off
43:09
as like a dumb, you know, stupid movie. And then
43:13
like once they are properly fucked, you know,
43:16
it could have been like an actual thing, but
43:19
it wasn't. So I was honestly kind of waiting
43:21
for it to to turn serious. And but it was it
43:26
was lighthearted the entire time. From my end
43:28
of things, the takeaways are. Never go anywhere
43:32
outside of cell reception. And why drive when
43:36
you can fly? Never on Tuesday. Yeah. And also,
43:40
yeah, just don't do things on Tuesday or meet
43:42
ladies same Tuesday. So wait, never drive anywhere
43:45
outside of cell reception like 1988. Yeah, don't
43:49
drive to 1988. It's not going to work for me.
43:51
Pretty good advice. Oh, I don't I don't know
43:54
what people did back then, but they died in the
43:57
desert. Yeah. It would have been cool if it took
44:01
a Beavis and Butthead do America turn. I would
44:05
have liked a nice acid or mushroom trip music
44:09
video. Yeah, that would have eaten up at least
44:12
five minutes. They could have found some. You
44:14
could have replaced Charlie Sheen's most of his
44:17
scene and had that instead. Yeah, you could have
44:19
had Charlie Sheen just dosing them and have animated
44:22
Charlie Sheen. Yeah, because obviously it would
44:24
have to go animated at this point in the car.
44:27
In the car. They don't have budget for animation.
44:30
This movie was written over a weekend. Which
44:33
is actually pretty impressive. Yeah, I mean,
44:36
to write 90 pages in a weekend, sure. How do
44:40
you know it's 90 pages? On screen. 90 minutes,
44:42
90 pages. Usually a page per minute. Yeah. I
44:46
could do it. I could do way more pages. Okay,
44:51
this weekend, write me a film. Oh, yeah, write
44:54
a Sex Pest 80s movie. Yeah. Doesn't have to be
44:56
sex fest. Write me a teen comedy. Yeah. Yeah.
45:01
I'll do that. 90 pages. You can do it. It's fine.
45:05
I'll just. Yeah. OK. Reach into that deep pocket
45:10
of yours. Double space. Yeah. OK. Change all
45:15
the margins just a little bit. Oh, yeah. No,
45:17
a film isn't like single spaced or anything.
45:19
There's plenty of space on the page. Oh, yeah.
45:21
So I'm going to let the actors breathe. Yeah.
45:24
It's room for notes. Because executive producers,
45:28
Peter, you're an executive producer now. Oh,
45:31
nice. Yeah. I mean, I have invested money into
45:34
this, so I probably am. You do have the good
45:37
chair. This is the worst chair. I give my guests
45:39
the better chairs. Because I'm a good producer.
45:43
I will suffer for my art. I'm not allowed to
45:47
have chairs that make noise. That's true. Because
45:49
I move too much. Okay. Yeah. So thank you all
45:53
for listening. Thank you for being here, Nick.
45:55
Thank you. You're welcome. Glad to be here. And
45:58
also to Hornback. Yeah. It was sort of a good
46:01
time. I definitely didn't have anything better
46:04
to do. But you did get a biggie out of it. You
46:07
did get a biggie. Drink your biggie. I'm trying.
46:09
This is honestly terrible. It's pretty bad. This
46:11
is worse than the chocolate one for sure. I seriously
46:14
don't want to do this. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Well,
46:17
we can't put it back in the bottle. It's got
46:19
one of those weird stoppers. It doesn't go both
46:22
ways. It's so freaking bad. What is wrong with
46:25
you people? Sparkle Buddies just weren't doing
46:28
it. Speaking of Sparkle Buddies, thank you to
46:30
our Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam,
46:32
Bill, and Stuart. And to our cage dancers, Ira,
46:35
John, Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron. And to Bill
46:39
Panks for making our intro music. And to me for
46:41
making all the poster art. Thanks, executive
46:44
producer. You're welcome. i feel much better
46:47
now go watch never on tuesday it's great it actually
46:52
isn't that bad it's great it's not that great
46:55
though like come on now i can't i enjoyed it
46:58
and i can't recommend it no i wouldn't i would
47:00
never actually recommend anyone watch this don't
47:02
do it but you can find it on youtube if you do
47:04
want to watch it all right bye everybody okay
47:08
bye goodbye forever I was working at like an
47:23
office depot and I got like a 10 % discount on
47:26
stuff and I didn't want any office supplies,
47:29
but they did sell Mountain Dew. So you got like
47:33
10 cents off every 20 ounce bottle you bought?
47:37
I mean, when you're getting paid $7 an hour,
47:39
that's kind of a good deal. That's true. If you
47:42
buy enough Mountain Dew, you save a dollar and
47:45
that's worth it. It took an hour of your life
47:48
to save that dollar. But it's the classic thing
47:50
that my dad would do driving around town to get
47:52
the one cent cheaper gas. It's like that. Clearly,
47:57
your time is not worth money. Now, one time,
48:04
my buddy Joey. So we had always had we called
48:08
it Christmas and we would get like this is unnecessary.
48:12
We'd get like 20 people together and we'd. all
48:16
do mushrooms and then we'd have a couple people
48:18
that would drive us around to look at christmas
48:20
lights because like our university yeah oh it's
48:24
fantastic our university had like a giant like
48:27
i don't know 150 foot like sequoia tree on campus
48:33
and they would decorate it so we'd go down there
48:35
and like everybody would just stare at it like
48:37
a bunch of fucking nerds and creeps and like
48:41
joey would drive us around he'd turn off the
48:43
lights on his car and we'd be like oh my god
48:45
we're we're fucking moving those powers but uh
48:48
one day he he takes us all into his garage and
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we're like all fucking shrooming and he turns
48:56
out the lights and When nobody was in there,
48:59
he had broken like eight or so glow sticks and
49:02
sprayed them on all the walls, the furniture.
49:05
And so like, we're just fucking out there. And
49:09
then all of a sudden, it's just like a galaxy
49:11
of color all around us. That was pretty solid.
49:15
Worst trip was a King Gizzard and the Lizard
49:17
Wizard concert. Oh, yeah, we've heard that one.
49:20
That opener was just so bad. They ruined my whole
49:24
trip.