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EP 50: How To Stop Renegotiating Your Boundaries · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

• 0:01
  Setting a boundary is one thing.
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  Keeping it when someone pushes back on it, and even
• 0:07
  when you feel guilty or when you're just tired of having to
• 0:11
  say it again, that's another.
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  So why are boundaries sometimes so hard to keep,
• 0:18
  and how do we make them easier?
• 0:23
  If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much,
• 0:27
  and wondering why peace still feels so so hard to hold on
• 0:30
  to. You're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori, mom,
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  former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach. Here we
• 0:39
  talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries,
• 0:42
  and get clear on what actually matters so that you can
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  build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
• 0:50
  So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into
• 0:54
  this next episode.
• 0:58
  Hey friend, welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I'm your
• 1:02
  host, Lori Grimes, and last episode
• 1:05
  I shared that I'm making some changes here on the pod.
• 1:09
  I'm simplifying and moving to just one episode a
• 1:12
  week, and I'm becoming much more
• 1:16
  intentional about what I'm saying yes to in this season
• 1:20
  of my life. And honestly, That really does connect
• 1:23
  pretty well with what we're about to talk about today,
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  because I've been thinking a lot about boundaries, about self-abandonment
• 1:32
  and self-compassion lately. And something
• 1:36
  I've been sitting with is this idea that
• 1:39
  when you strip away so much of what we're trying to accomplish here
• 1:43
  in the pod through our self-help and through boundaries,
• 1:47
  what you get to is the bottom line, which is
• 1:50
  compassion. We're trying to understand ourselves better,
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  right? And we're trying to recognize what we need,
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  and we're even making some healthier choices and trying to
• 2:04
  stop abandoning ourselves for the sake of keeping
• 2:07
  everyone else around us comfortable. But ultimately,
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  we're learning to have compassion for ourselves And I think
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  healthy boundaries are one of the ways that we put compassion
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  into action, but knowing we
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  need a boundary and actually maintaining one are
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  2 very, very different things. So let's
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  talk about some of the roadblocks that are getting in our way.
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  So roadblock number 1 is decision fatigue.
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  We have talked about this on the pod. One of the biggest problems
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  with boundaries is that we keep remaking the same decision over
• 2:47
  and over again. Think about how many decisions you are making
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  every day. We have to decide what we're going to eat,
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  who's taking which kid where, do I have time for this,
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  can I fit one more thing into this Saturday,
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  should I answer this email, can I help with this, and then somebody asks us
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  something that they want us to do, and we're supposed to make yet
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  another thoughtful decision about
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  our time and energy, about our family and our money,
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  and what we have the emotional capacity for. And sometimes
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  we're just tired of deciding, right? And that's where we can make
• 3:27
  boundaries unnecessarily difficult,
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  because not every boundary needs to be renegotiated every
• 3:35
  time someone tests it. Some decisions can be made ahead of
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  time, like what we're gonna eat, where we're gonna go,
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  what we're gonna do that day. And we'll come back to that.
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  So here is roadblock number 2: you're just
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  tired of repeating yourself, right? Sometimes you've already told
• 3:55
  that kid your boundary and then they ask
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  again. I mean, this happens to me all the time with my kids,
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  Especially my daughter. She's going to test whatever it is I asked her to do.
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  And maybe you've already said no, but 5 minutes later they
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  come back with a slightly updated, different version of the very
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  question they already got a no from. Or maybe
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  it's an adult who keeps testing your limit of something you have already
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  communicated. And we start to question,
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  like, didn't I already tell you this? Why do I have to keep
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  saying it. But sometimes there's something
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  important here. So like having to repeat a boundary
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  doesn't necessarily mean that the boundary isn't working because
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  that's what we think, right? Sometimes repetition is just part of
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  maintaining the boundary. You don't necessarily need
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  another new explanation. You can just
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  simply say, I know we've already talked about this, but my answer
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  hasn't changed. So someone asking you again doesn't mean you have to rethink
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  the decision again. So roadblock number 3
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  is guilt. This one has come up a lot for me because
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  I just struggle with guilt. And this is big,
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  especially if you struggle with people pleasing. You are
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  gonna have to go through disappointing somebody when you set a boundary.
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  And your child is probably gonna get upset when a new boundary shows
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  up. And maybe your spouse doesn't agree with your boundary, or a friend
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  doesn't simply understand this new boundary you might be implementing.
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  And immediately you start questioning yourself, like,
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  was that too harsh? Or am I being too selfish here?
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  Maybe I should just do it. And this is where I think
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  we have to learn to distinguish between guilt
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  and just feeling uncomfortable. So you may have to ask yourself,
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  Did I actually do something wrong here? Or maybe I'm
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  just uncomfortable because somebody doesn't like my decision, which is okay,
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  guys. It's okay for someone to not like your boundary
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  or your decision. The boundary isn't for them.
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  So those aren't the same thing. Guilt can be helpful when
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  we've genuinely hurt someone or acted outside
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  of our values. That's when guilt can be accepted.
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  But someone else's disappointment isn't
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  automatically evidence, guys, that you've done something wrong. Sometimes 2
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  people just simply want different things, and having compassion
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  for yourself here means that you're allowed to acknowledge your needs even
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  when someone else doesn't like them. It's okay that y'all don't agree.
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  Roadblock number 4, self-abandonment.
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  So I've been listening to a book about self-abandonment lately. It's been
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  very eye-opening, and I probably will share some of it later
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  on the podcast, and it's really made me think about boundaries differently because
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  sometimes the person ignoring our boundary isn't
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  someone else, it's us. I mean, we know we're exhausted and
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  we keep pushing. We know something doesn't feel right,
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  but we second-guess ourselves and maybe we say something like,
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  I'm probably just overreacting here. Or maybe
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  we know we don't have the capacity or the bandwidth
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  But we say something like, they're counting on me. When we really want to say
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  no, we think, I don't want them to think I'm selfish here.
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  We've actually hurt ourselves. We know what we need, right?
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  And then what do we do? We override it. And that's
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  where self-abandonment shows up. And when we
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  repeatedly do that, we are damaging something
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  very valuable, guys. It's our trust in ourselves
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  because we're essentially teaching ourselves, I hear you and
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  I know what you need, but somebody else's comfort matters
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  more. And boundaries aren't only about
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  teaching other people how we're willing to be treated.
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  I think something more important is at stake here. We are teaching ourselves
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  that we are going to listen when something isn't working.
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  And this is where compassion comes in, guys. This is the
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  piece I keep coming back to, because maybe you've already broken that
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  boundary with yourself. Maybe you said yes again.
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  Maybe you overbooked your schedule again. Maybe you've
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  rescued your kid after saying you weren't going to do that. Or maybe you answered
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  that email and it's 10:30 now at night and you're tired.
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  Maybe you've allowed somebody to pull you back into something that you already decided
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  wasn't healthy for you. So our tendency can be,
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  why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just
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  get this right? But shame doesn't make us better at
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  boundaries, guys. Compassion does.
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  So let us get curious. Instead of asking what's wrong with me, I want
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  you to try a different question. What made that boundary difficult
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  this time for me to keep? Was I tired? Maybe I,
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  maybe I felt guilty at this moment. Was I afraid of disappointing
• 9:09
  somebody? Or was I caught off guard?
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  Did I genuinely change my mind? Like, maybe I want
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  to do something different. Or did I abandon what I needed because
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  I couldn't tolerate somebody's reaction to it?
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  That's a very different conversation.
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  So Romans 8:1 says, therefore there is now no condemnation
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  for those who are in Christ Jesus. And I think there is something important
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  there for us. Compassion doesn't mean no accountability,
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  and it doesn't even mean that we're excusing every choice we make. It just means
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  that we can tell ourselves the truth about being cruel to
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  ourselves, and then we can make a different choice
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  next time. Okay, so make some boundaries
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  into policies. Now, how does that make it easier?
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  Well, one of the most practical things we can do is turn some
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  of our recurring boundaries into policies. A policy is simply just a decision
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  that you've already made ahead of time. Like, I don't check email after
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  6, or I keep Fridays free. Another one could be I
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  don't schedule more than 2 things on a weekend. Or maybe your kids are only
• 10:19
  allowed to participate in one sport or major activity at a time.
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  I know this one's very valuable in my family. We only do one or
• 10:27
  major activity per season. So that could look like, you know,
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  cheer for my daughter was in the fall, soccer was in the spring.
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  I don't commit to something until I've checked my calendar and I've really looked at
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  how much margin I have. So these aren't rules everybody else
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  has to follow, they're just policies for me and maybe policies
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  for you. They're decisions you've been— that you've made about
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  how you're going to manage your time and energy and your responsibilities. And here's why
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  I love, love this, okay? Policies are eliminating unnecessary
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  renegotiation. So if you've already decided that you're not
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  scheduling more than 2 things on a weekend, you don't have to evaluate
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  every invitation from scratch. You already have this policy in
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  play. You don't have to decide when you're tired. You don't
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  have to decide while somebody is waiting for your
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  answer. And you don't even have to decide while guilt is like screaming
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  at you, right? You've already decided, like, how good does
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  that feel? So now does that mean you can never make an exception?
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  Of course not. Healthy boundaries aren't about being
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  rigid, guys. You can change your mind, and we have
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  talked about that here on the— even the last podcast.
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  But there's a difference between choosing an exception and abandoning
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  your boundary altogether just because you you're
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  uncomfortable holding space for that boundary.
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  That's worth paying attention to. So what are you tired of
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  renegotiating? I want you to think about that. So here's the question.
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  I want you to sit with this this week. What are you just
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  tired of renegotiating? Maybe it's your weekends.
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  Maybe it's your work hours. Maybe it's the kids' schedules. Could be
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  your availability or maybe even your spending? How about exercise?
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  Have you been renegotiating that a lot? How about your time with
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  God? Your family calendar? You don't need 10
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  new policies, guys. Just find one area that
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  you're constantly making the same decision over
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  and over. What if you just made it once and then practice keeping
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  it with the compassion? Not perfectly,
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  Just compassionately. So I want to hear from you. As I've mentioned
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  in the last episode, I really want this next season of the podcast
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  to feel more like a conversation between us.
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  So I've added a voice note option that I think that— sorry, not that I
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  think— that I will link in the show notes. And you
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  can leave me a question or just tell me what you're struggling with. I want
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  you to share something that has worked for you or tell me where you are
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  feeling stuck. And some of those conversations and questions
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  may become a part of our future podcast episodes. So if
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  you'd like to remain anonymous, absolutely let me know. I will honor that and respect
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  that. And if recording a voice note isn't your thing, that's fine.
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  I have linked an email to also
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  reach out to me in the show notes. So again, you can reach
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  me by email, you can reach me by voice note. I really want to hear
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  what boundaries look like in your actual real life,
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  not just talk to you about what they're supposed to look like because we
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  are all learning this, okay? So in closing,
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  healthy boundaries aren't about becoming someone who never
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  caves, never feels guilty,
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  never second-guesses herself. That's impossible
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  and that's like a robot. They're about noticing when we're beginning to abandon
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  ourselves and learning how to come back with compassion.
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  So this week, ask yourself, what am I tired
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  of renegotiating? Because maybe it's time to just turn that boundary
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  into an actual policy. And guys, if this episode
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  made you think of someone who could use this conversation too, please share
• 14:20
  it with her and make sure you are following Healthy Boundaries for Moms so you
• 14:23
  don't miss next week's episode. And until next
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  time, remember, you do not have to do boundaries perfectly perfectly, but you do
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  have to keep coming back to yourself with truth and
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  grace and compassion.
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  If today's episode helped you, friend, make sure you are
• 14:44
  following healthy boundaries for moms and share it with
• 14:48
  a friend or a family member who might need it too. And I
• 14:51
  want to hear from you. Have a question or a situation?
• 14:55
  You'd like me to talk about on the podcast, leave me a voice
• 14:59
  message using the link in the show notes or send your question to
• 15:03
  me by email. You may just hear your question answered on an upcoming episode.
• 15:08
  So until next week, friend, keep choosing the boundaries that protect what matters
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  most.