Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Can Accountability & Compassion Exist at the Same Time? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: ⁓ Have ever had someone say, I'm sorry, or sorry for everything? somehow the expectation was that that cleared them all wrongdoing. a weird confession, except you're the priest. You're the person who was hurt. And now you're expected to just accept it. ⁓ And the unspoken strings attached are, we don't talk about it again. now you're holding a grudge. ⁓ I think. part of why it feels so heavy is bad apologies doesn't just miss the mark. It can actually reopen the wound now you're not with original hurt. You're dealing with the feeling ⁓ unseen again. that's the part people don't talk A weak apology can feel like being dismissed twice. maybe that's acknowledging you read the room and realize you messed up. then there's the other side. How do we take accountability without being a target for revenge? sometimes people don't want repair. ⁓ Sometimes they want to hurt you back for the pain ⁓ they think you caused. And instead healing, it starts becoming punishment. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Today I want to talk about accountability, what it actually is and what it isn't We often confuse accountability with acknowledgement and sometimes people expect access to you even though you're not interested in repair or they say they want repair when really ⁓ they want control of the narrative. the question today can accountability and compassion exist at the same time? Before we go any further, quick note, ⁓ podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. Accountability is defined in different parts, ⁓ required or expected to justify actions or decisions. Being responsible. explain and understood. In practice, ⁓ it means taking responsibility for behavior, actions, and impact. You can explain the why. what you thought was happening, what you misunderstood, the why cannot be used as an excuse. ⁓ be fair, A lot of people avoid accountability because it feels threatening. It can feel like ⁓ if I admit I did something wrong, does that make me a bad person? of separating behavior from identity, people defend the behavior to protect their identity. accountability actually works the opposite way. It says I did something wrong and I am still capable of doing better. see how my behaviors impacted you. I understand that caused harm. I am going to change this moving forward. And I think it helps to actually hear the difference acknowledgement can sound passive. I'm sorry. You feel that way. That wasn't my intention. I already said, sorry, what more do you want? ⁓ that's acknowledging. but acknowledging with a twist. accountability sounds like I see what I did ⁓ I understand why that hurt you. I interrupted you and that wasn't respectful. I dismissed your feelings and I can see how that impact you. And then it doesn't stop there. ⁓ continues with here's what I'm going to do differently next time. without that part, it's just a great speech. It's just words. accountability isn't a moment, it's a And part of that pattern is repair accountability doesn't stop at recognizing the harm. It continues on how you respond afterwards. Repair can look like ⁓ coming back to the conversation. asking what the other person needs, listening getting defensive, respecting boundaries, even if they're uncomfortable. sometimes repair doesn't mean things go back to normal. Rather, it means you handled the ending with honesty instead of avoidance. ⁓ Compassion a sympathetic of someone's suffering with a desire to alleviate it. ⁓ compassion is often confused enabling. We care about someone's pain, understanding it still hold accountability compassion should not come at the cost of your dignity, your self respect or your autonomy. sometimes we care more about alleviating someone's pain, then we care about reflecting on what caused it. and what I'm talking about is an adult-adult relationship, not a parent-child dynamic. If both people care about the relationship, ⁓ both people to reflect on themselves, not just focus on how the other person needs to change. That's where compassion comes in. ⁓ It allows to consider that someone else might be carrying baggage like divorce, miscarriage, postpartum, health issues, pregnancy, isolation, abandonment, grief, messy relationships, custody battles. We often forget what people are juggling and expect them to show up at their best anyways. And that's where we demand accountability without offering compassion. Compassion without accountability enabling. It communicates it's okay to be volatile, harmful, inconsiderate, thoughtless, because the struggle behind the behavior is being used as an excuse. ⁓ And that can lead to codependency. I can't be okay unless they're okay. I have to say things in a way that keeps them comfortable. That's not compassion, that's self abandonment. With kids, we lead with understanding, hey, you're having a hard time. Let's regulate first because they don't have the skills yet and they need to be taught by an adult. With adults, we don't ignore behavior. We can say, ⁓ I understand you're going through a lot, yelling at me doesn't work for me. I'm not going to in that. If it continues, I'm going to choose distance. That's accountability and compassion. honestly, a lot of adults ⁓ were never taught how to regulate. They were to get over it, stop crying, be quiet. now ⁓ we have all these dysregulated adults. looking for someone else to manage their emotions. But that's not our responsibility. Every adult is responsible regulating If explaining the Y is used to avoid responsibility, deflect, minimize impact, that is not accountability. That's an oopsies. if someone says, I see that hurt you. ⁓ Here's what misunderstood ⁓ And here's I'm doing differently. That's different. Sometimes people set expectations like, I don't want any negativity. I don't do conflict. I'll ghost you instead. And then feel abandoned when people pull away. ⁓ if someone is afraid communicate honestly, that's not a relationship. That's about control, not boundaries, control. Boundaries protect connections. ⁓ Control limits it. I when I was planning my wedding. someone promised they would help, then chose a newer friend ⁓ that commitment. When I expressed hurt, ⁓ was told I was the problem, that I had expectations ⁓ needed to apologize for. My past mistakes were brought up and somehow ⁓ whole situation and my own feelings were my fault. That relationship dynamic lasted 10 years too long because they were very good. at talking their way out of accountability. Their mistakes were oopsies. While mine was a character flaw and that pattern was clear. Everyone else in their life was always the problem. Even their own kids. That's when learned pattern tells you where you stand and how someone treats people they're upset with ⁓ is how they possibly will treat you. When a mistake is out of character, ⁓ acknowledgement a clear plan to change plus consistency is usually enough. abuse is different. ⁓ Abuse is pattern. It breaks trust over time. And repair takes repeated accountability in those cases, not once, ⁓ you're apologizing a thousand times because of the a thousand cuts that led to their breaking point ⁓ from abuse. And when we've abused someone, the real consequences is social consequences like eruption in the relationship, loss of access, distance, breakups, no contact, loss of trust, professional consequences, legal consequences when it's extreme. Not all harm is the same. There is a difference between small everyday mistakes like interrupting, snapping, miscommunication and deeper harm like patterns like disrespect, and emotional abuse. the level accountability should match the level of impact treating everything the same either minimizes the real harm. or amplify small mistakes. when you are someone, you do not feel it. You might feel powerful in the sense of you're trying to control the situation, ⁓ other than trying to control, you do feel an emotion when you are implementing power. when you feel powerless, ⁓ you feel that. it could be just another Tuesday for you and it could have been traumatic for them. Abuse in adult to adult relationships on equal footing could look like Targeting a new person in the group. ⁓ Isolating someone socially. constant criticism disguised as honesty, controlling how someone communicates or express themselves, ⁓ punishing people silence or withdrawal, gaslighting, and this has to be intentionally trying to make someone question their reality. Escalating ⁓ small conflicts into character attacks. If you've caused harm and you want to accountability, ⁓ it only works if the person is open to having the And if they choose to go no contact, you have to respect that ⁓ the apology is for them, not you. ⁓ You don't get to force someone to accept your apology just so you feel better. At that point, it's not accountability. You're trying to self-soothe. ⁓ if the one who was you're allowed to not accept an apology. You're allowed to need time. You're allowed to say, I hear you, I'm not ready to move forward yet. And even I don't want to continue this relationship. Forgiveness ⁓ is a choice, not an obligation. and if wanting to how can I keep myself when I can't repair, ⁓ it means educating yourself, having self-compassion while trying to learn how to do better, setting boundaries yourself, ⁓ respecting other limits. Not taking it personally. If your apology isn't accepted, making a consistent effort to change. Rome wasn't built in a day. Sometimes an apology is more for you than them, growth ⁓ for everybody. And then there are the extremes ⁓ apologizing. I'm the worst. I'm ruining everything. I'm such a bad person. That's not accountability either. It's another self-soothing tactic because you would rather believe you're bad than accept that maybe you made a mistake ⁓ now the focus shifts from the impact it's about comforting you in a mindset that you're used to. And the person who was hurt ⁓ ends up care of your emotions. And that's not repair. That's emotional deflection. Sometimes we didn't know better, How long do we expect being naive to last? at some point we have to ask, does ignorance become a choice to stay comfortable? back to the question, can accountability and compassion exist at the same time? Maybe accountability isn't about being perfect. Maybe it's about being honest enough to say, I see it now and brave enough to follow with, ⁓ I'll do better. Not once, but consistently. Compassion explains behavior. Accountability it. Both matter because understanding without change keeps people stuck And change without understanding breaks connection. We need both.