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Transcript

Does Breaking No Contact Ever Work? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  You swore you wouldn't do it. You unfollowed them on social
• 0:12
  media, deleted their number like I tell you to, maybe even block
• 0:17
  them. But here you are staring at your
• 0:20
  phone wondering what if I just send a little text?
• 0:25
  What harm can it do? No contact is hard for most
• 0:30
  people anyway, but does breaking it ever actually work or does it
• 0:36
  just set you back to square one? Well today I'm going to be
• 0:39
  discussing when breaking up might be OK and when it's a
• 0:44
  disaster waiting to happen. So stick around because this
• 0:47
  saves you a lot of heartache. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
• 0:51
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:53
  expert specializing in helping you get an X back or to get over
• 0:56
  your X Welcome back to my beautiful no contact army.
• 1:00
  Have you been a good little soldier?
• 1:02
  If you have, then you've downloaded my app Silencio to
• 1:05
  help you stay and no contact. The link is underneath every
• 1:09
  single video and podcast. And if you would like to enlist
• 1:12
  in our army, just hit subscribe and the bell notification and
• 1:17
  check out our manual at nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:21
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:25
  So let's first define no contact in case there's someone
• 1:28
  listening who's not familiar with it.
• 1:31
  No contact means cutting off all communication with an X after
• 1:35
  you've been dumped. So that means no texting, no
• 1:38
  calls, no accidental likes on their social media.
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  And people go no contact for three main reasons.
• 1:46
  To heal, because removing triggers helps you to move on To
• 1:51
  regain power since it stops the cycle of begging or chasing.
• 1:57
  Or to make an ex miss them since absence often reignites
• 2:02
  interest. But here's the problem.
• 2:06
  Our brains love nostalgia. We forget the bad and
• 2:11
  romanticize the past. So when you break no contact,
• 2:16
  it's usually for one of the following reasons.
• 2:20
  Anxiety. You have an anxious attachment
• 2:23
  style and you can't handle the uncertainty that comes after a
• 2:27
  breakup. Loneliness.
• 2:29
  You miss the connection and the comfort, even if it wasn't a
• 2:32
  healthy relationship. False hope.
• 2:36
  You think, well, maybe they've changed their mind and they're
• 2:39
  scared to reach out. Or they're posting things online
• 2:43
  to bait you to break no contact. So you convince yourself that
• 2:47
  you need to reach out first. Even though they dumped you
• 2:52
  regret. You regret how you behaved in
• 2:54
  the relationship or how you acted when things ended.
• 2:58
  Ego. You just want to know if they
• 3:00
  still care or fear. You're afraid that they're going
• 3:05
  to move on or suspect or even maybe know that they already
• 3:11
  have. But here's the thing, if they
• 3:14
  wanted to reach out, they would. Silence is an answer.
• 3:20
  So is there ever a scenario where breaking no contact leads
• 3:24
  to something positive? Well, maybe, but only under very
• 3:30
  specific conditions. One would be if it was a
• 3:35
  situational breakup. So this could be something like
• 3:39
  distance. They didn't want to do the long
• 3:42
  distance thing anymore, but now you're moving to their city.
• 3:47
  But you don't need to break no contact for that.
• 3:50
  You can announce it on social media, which they're probably
• 3:53
  stalking anyway. It's better if they reach out to
• 3:57
  you in that case. But maybe it was bad timing.
• 4:02
  Maybe you had just gotten out of a relationship or a marriage and
• 4:07
  you weren't ready for anything serious, so they broke up with
• 4:10
  you. So if enough time has passed and
• 4:13
  you're ready to date again, then you can dip your toes in the
• 4:18
  water and reach out. But I would first check their
• 4:21
  social media just to make sure they're not dating anyone.
• 4:24
  You don't want to get caught up in that.
• 4:28
  And the second reason would be if you're truly over it.
• 4:32
  So if you're reaching out more from a place of curiosity and
• 4:36
  not desperation, it might be harmless.
• 4:39
  And this means that you're OK with the outcome no matter what
• 4:42
  it is. So you're not secretly hoping
• 4:45
  for a reunion. And if they never respond, fine.
• 4:50
  If they respond once and never again, fine.
• 4:53
  If they tell you to get lost or that they're dating someone,
• 4:56
  fine. But don't gaslight yourself into
• 4:59
  thinking that you're truly over it if you're not just so you can
• 5:03
  reach out, because you're going to end up feeling worse.
• 5:05
  And you just reach out with a very simple text.
• 5:07
  Hey, I saw something that reminded me of you or hey, you
• 5:10
  came to mind and I was just wondering how you're doing
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  something casual like that. If they want to respond, they'll
• 5:16
  respond to pretty much anything you say.
• 5:18
  So don't overthink it and think you need to send a very
• 5:22
  important long text because you don't.
• 5:25
  Now let's talk about when breaking no contact is actually
• 5:28
  a bad idea. And that would be if you're
• 5:32
  still emotionally attached. So if you're hoping that they'll
• 5:34
  take you back, then you're setting yourself up for failure.
• 5:39
  Or the relationship was toxic. Don't drink poison just because
• 5:43
  you're thirsty. Or maybe they ended it and never
• 5:47
  reached out. So respect their silence.
• 5:50
  If they wanted to, they would, they didn't, so they don't.
• 5:56
  Or maybe you're bored or lonely and that's a you problem and the
• 6:01
  solution is not them. Breaking no contact gives you a
• 6:07
  short term high. You get your little dopamine hit
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  which is eventually followed by a crash.
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  When reality sets in you realize you broke no contact for nothing
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  and they do not want to get back together.
• 6:21
  Which is exactly why I made my apps silencio because it stops
• 6:27
  you from breaking no contact. It actually does.
• 6:30
  There's a panic button where you hear my voice giving you a very
• 6:34
  good reason why you should stay in no contact and the counter
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  seems to help everybody as they see the days going by and they
• 6:41
  don't want to break the streak. So I will put the link to that
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  in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  So if you're fighting the urge to break no contact, then try
• 6:56
  these things instead. Write a letter that you will
• 7:01
  never send. So get those emotions out safely
• 7:04
  without hitting send. Then to a friend, a therapist,
• 7:08
  or me. That's what I'm here for.
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  Let me help you revisit it. Revisit your reasons for no
• 7:17
  contact. So remind yourself why you
• 7:20
  started. And then finally, focus on your
• 7:22
  future. So redirect that energy into
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  something new now. Does breaking no contact ever
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  work? The answer is rarely, and only
• 7:34
  under the right circumstances. Most of the time, it just
• 7:37
  reopens old wounds. And if you take one thing from
• 7:42
  this episode, let it be this healing is not linear.
• 7:46
  But every day that you stick to no contact is a day closer to
• 7:50
  either your ex reaching out or to you moving on, whether it's
• 7:54
  to someone better or to a stronger version of yourself.
• 7:58
  Breaking no contact is a gamble, and the odds are usually not in
• 8:04
  your favor. None of my clients who have
• 8:06
  broken no contact without my permission have gotten their
• 8:10
  exes back. Yes, sometimes I do tell my
• 8:13
  clients that they can break it, but it's always on a case by
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  case basis because breaking it rarely gives you what you
• 8:22
  actually want, which is someone choosing you as fiercely as you
• 8:27
  choose them. So now I want to hear from you.
• 8:30
  Have you ever broken no contact and what happened?
• 8:34
  We're all curious to know, so comment below and if you would
• 8:37
  like my help to get your ex back to stay no contact, you can
• 8:42
  contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 8:46
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
• 8:49
  If you found this video helpful, be sure to hit the subscribe
• 8:52
  button. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:54
  podcast and want to help the show, then just download this
• 8:57
  episode. And finally, remember, love
• 9:00
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.