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Emotional Decontamination And The Self Beneath · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and I want to offer you the final episode in the three-part series on emotional decontamination.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is devoted to rediscovering the person beneath the contamination.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In our first episode, we explored how emotional contamination begins, how the fears, shame, anger, and unresolved pain of other people can gradually become woven into our own understanding and perception of ourselves.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: In the second episode, we looked at perhaps the most important question of all, and that is, does this feeling belong truly to me?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And today we arrive at the final part of this exploration, and that is how do we begin to reclaim ourselves?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want to begin with a thought that has stayed with me throughout this series, and although I've had it before, it's become more and more clarified.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional contamination changes how you see yourself, whereas emotional decontamination changes how you recognize yourself.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you notice the difference?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: The first one distorts and the other one reveals.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But recovery is really about becoming someone new.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: More often it's about uncovering a person who's been quietly waiting beneath years of fear, guilt, criticism, and emotional burden.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: That person never disappeared, they simply became suppressed.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And as a consequence, they've become difficult to recognize.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding why something has happened is, of course, essential.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding how something has happened is vital, but it's not enough.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Insight opens the door, whereas action is what allows us to walk through it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: In an earlier podcast series about recovery, I talked about three phases.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Recognition, which you like is if you like, is the realization of what's happened, the reckoning, which is in many ways the kind of voicing or expressing of what's happened and kind of owning it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the third is recovery itself, in which the person who was there beforehand is allowed, allows themselves to re-emerge and develop.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't become somebody new.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how it works.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: But as I said, action is what allows us to walk through it, this open door.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because our minds and our environments are constantly communicating with one another.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: The places we inhabit, the objects we keep, the routines we repeat, and the relationships that we maintain.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, all of these quietly reinforce our understanding of who we are.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: That means emotional decontamination is not only an internal process, it's also an external one.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Something and sometimes things begin with surprisingly just ordinary decisions.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know of people who hold on to things, and I can understand why.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand why holding on to something that has meaning is comforting.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It can allow us to go through a process of moving beyond.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a loss.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's understandable, but that's not the same as recovery.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm talking about things like those things that pull us back into the pain that we experienced.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: The pain not because of a a particular event, but because of what's happened to us.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes things like putting away gifts that no longer represent love, but they represent obligation or fear of control, changing a ringtone that immediately evokes anxiety, rearranging a room, replacing music that once reflected something else that is no longer serves us, and we need something that reflects hope.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, none of these actions is magical, but each sends an important psychological message.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I am no longer organizing my life around what and who hurt me.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this can be especially important for those recovering from abusive relationships.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And abuse is rarely confined to words, it leaves traces everywhere.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And certain possessions become loaded with meaning, and certain places can evoke dread.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And certain routines keep us psychologically connected to relationships that have already ended.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people hold on to things or these things because they feel guilty, sometimes because they hope that things will return to how they once were.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes because letting go feels like admitting the relationship really is over.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: But emotional decontamination gently asks a different question.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the question is, does this help me become the person I'm trying to rediscover?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is no, then perhaps it no longer deserves a place in your life.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So essentially, by looking at whatever it may be, whether it's a pattern of behavior, an object, or some kind of reminder, the question, does holding on to this help me become the person I'm trying to rediscover?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is a categorical no, then don't keep it.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't deserve to be in your life.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't vindictive, and it isn't about pretending the relationship never existed because your internal emotional wounds won't let you do that.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognizing that your environment should support your recovery, not undermine it.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the same principle applies to behavior.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us continue living according to rules that we never consciously chose.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't upset anyone, keep the peace at all costs, never disagree, always apologize, always make allowances, explain yourself, always put yourself last.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, none of those make sense.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I can I can really attest to the fact that when when instead you you ask yourself the basic question, what is right, not right for other people, but right for you, any of those messages will have no value at all.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to keep the peace, you can disagree, you don't have to apologize, and you don't have to explain yourself, and you certainly can't put yourself last.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: What is important is that we start living authentically.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we slip into these kind of accommodating states because we don't know that there's an alternative.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I can tell you there is.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Those rules that you've made that make did in fact make perfect sense when we first learned them, and perhaps they kept us safe, perhaps they reduced conflict, perhaps they helped us to survive.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But survival strategies are not always healthy ways to live.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the most courageous questions we can ever ask is, do I still need this rule?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You'll probably discover the answer is no.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you may discover that the child who created the rule has become an adult who no longer needs it.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is where emotional decontamination becomes an act of quiet courage.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not dramatic or confrontational, it's simply intentional.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Each healthy boundary, each honest conversation, each decision to say no without apology, each moment of self-compassion, each object disposed of, each unhealthy expectation abandoned.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: These are the small acts of reclaiming your life.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: People sometimes worry that if they let go of these old patterns, they will become or be seen as selfish.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, actually, no, that's not really how it works.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: The opposite is true.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because when people stop carrying what never belonged to them, they become calmer, kinder, more thoughtful, and more authentic.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're no longer exhausted by trying to be someone whom someone else needed them to be.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's what the emotional freedom really is.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not so much the absence of pain, although that will die down, but the absence of unnecessary burden.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think this this burden, I remember talking in the last podcast about carrying the suitcase that then becomes you, and you don't realize it until someone says, Why are you carrying that suitcase?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the suitcase is a metaphor for all the unnecessary garbage that you're holding on to, but not really seeing that.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It is quite liberating.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is one of the one of the things in in the reckoning, the second stage that I talk about that is really powerful.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: The reckoning is this is not mine, this is yours, have it back.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or this this represents something that is contaminating, and therefore you can either have it back or I'm just gonna dispose of it because I don't want any part of this in my life because I deserve better.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to do this anymore.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that can feel quite strange at first, and some people might say, Oh no, you can't do that.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you can.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that then puts us in a position where we can say, Well, what is it we do need?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: We certainly don't need a voice in our head that never belonged to us, or a fear that was inherited rather than one you earned, or a belief that someone else placed upon your shoulders many years ago.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, you don't need to carry it forever.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional decontamination is not about denying your past, it's about refusing to let your past continue to define your future.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: The experiences you've had will always be part of your history, but they don't have to become your identity or your present.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to thank you for joining me through this series.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: If there's one thing I hope you take away, it is this.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are not simply the sum of what's happened to you.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're not the person who is defined by these things.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: You have the capacity as a person to decide what you want and will continue to carry.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the bravest thing we can ever do is to put something down.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, I just want to return to the thing about the symbolism of disposing of objects.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: You are giving a message, you are sending a message, you may not be sending it to a particular individual.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: The message, though, is these things are contaminants.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need those things anymore.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And they act as a kind of cleansing.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And and in reality, sometimes that finds expression in other ways.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can find expression verbally through the written word, it can be communicated.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And generally speaking, I mean that's not a terribly polite thing to do.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, the reality is if you need to express yourself, if you need to, if you if you need to do that as part of the reckoning, then do it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because so long as you're being truthful, so long as you're stating what happened, you're actually doing something that is essential in your own recovery.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because the pain that you've endured and that you've held on to needs expression, not suppression.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just an advanced notification here.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be producing a five-part podcast series on dangerous relationships.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to be a bit more forensic than some of the things they've done before.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I will be looking at clinical conditions, their effects upon others in those kinds of relationships, and of course the effects upon children.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a kind of 101 in how to diagnose someone.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, once again, thank you for listening.