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10 Lessons From 10 Years in Addiction Recovery · Recovering Out Loud

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I thought it'd be a good idea to talk about the most important
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lessons I've learned in the 10 years that I've been in and out
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of recovery. Hello again, everybody.
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My name is Anthony. I'm an alcoholic and an addict,
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and this is Recovering Out Loud podcast.
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I would say probably 9 years of those 10 years I've been working
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a recovery program and sober. If you want to know about my
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story and my relapse, I have a whole episode about that.
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You can check it out at any time.
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But this episode is about the most important things I've
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learned, lessons, quotes that have helped me stay sober and
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work a recovery program and kept me happy and sober and just
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really important things. I I want to reiterate too, that
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none of this stuff is from my brain.
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This is all regurgitated information that I've learned
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from the people that have come before me, the people that have
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saved my life and have helped me stay sober.
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This is all. I'm no expert here in recovery
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and I don't claim to be a guru or an expert.
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I picked up, I'm like a sponge in recovery over the 10 years
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and I advise everybody to do the same.
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Take what you like, leave what you don't.
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Look for the similarities, not the differences.
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When you hear people sharing their recovery stories or their
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experiences and try to give it back, regurgitate the
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information back. I got a message on my podcast
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this morning from a guy that said, Hey, I love that analogy
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in that episode about the keys in the grass and the power.
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The keys to the house were in the grass and the power is
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within, not outside. We keep looking for the answer
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outside. And he said, I shared it at my
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recovery meeting and everybody loved it.
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And I said, great, I never thought of that.
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I stole it from somebody else. But that's what this recovery
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thing is about. We're we're taking information,
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we're recycling it out so that somebody else can use it and we
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can be of service. We can be a vessel, we can be a,
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an antenna to the radio transmission coming from within,
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from a power greater than ourselves.
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I can transmit. I can be a conduit of God's will
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essentially. So let's get into it.
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Please. If you're not following me,
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please follow the podcast, Like the podcast, subscribe, rate the
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podcast. It helps me so much.
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And that's all I'll say about that.
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I love you. Thank you for being here.
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So lesson #1 how do I get sober? HOW honesty, open mindedness,
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willingness, these are the essentials to recovery.
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I have to be honest first and foremost that yes I have a
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problem and yes I cannot solve this problem on my own.
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I've tried many times. Self will avail me nothing.
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It's worse than I think it is my problem and I need help.
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I need. I'm beyond human aid.
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That's honesty, open mindedness. OK, I'm going to now listen to
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the solution that other people have.
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I'm going to attend recovery spaces and groups IE 12 step
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recovery, IE SMART Recovery, refuge recovery.
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There's a ton of other ones that I'm left leaving out but I have
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another podcast episode about 12 step versus non 12 step.
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Go check it out. If you want to find other
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modalities groups in recovery, there are lots of them.
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There are 12 steps doesn't have a monopoly on getting or staying
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sober. There are other modalities that
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you can check out, other groups that help a lot of people.
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Dharma Recovery is another one there.
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I just thought of that. So honesty, open mindedness,
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willingness, how I'm open minded to the information coming in.
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I'm going to look for the similarities and not the
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differences. I'm going to contempt prior to
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investigation is the worst thing that you can have in recovery is
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I'm right. Oh no, that's stupid.
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That doesn't make sense. God doesn't exist.
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They're talking about religion. It's a cult.
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Stop. Be open minded.
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Widen your scope of information. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're
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right. That's open mindedness,
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willingness, willingness to take action.
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So I'm I've been honest. I have a problem.
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I need outside help to get it. I'm beyond human aid.
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And now I'm willing to do whatever it takes to defeat this
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addiction, to get into recovery, to recover, to heal.
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I am willing to take action against my better judgement,
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especially when I don't want to, because that's what keeps me
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sober today is doing things I don't necessarily want to do.
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But the suggestions are coming from somebody doing better than
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me or somebody that has more sobriety time than me.
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And when I say better than me, I don't mean they have more cars,
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they have a wife, they're successful at their job.
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I mean those, you know, those people that you just hang around
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with that are just so spiritually fit.
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They're just so Zen and calm. They are just tapped in.
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It feels like you're taking 10 milligrams of Valium when you
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hang around with them. They just bring your anxiety
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level down. Hang out with those people and
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if you want what they had, you got to do what they did.
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Willingness, action. That is how you get sober from
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in a nutshell. All right, lesson 2, your
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addict, your addiction, your addict brain is doing push ups
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in the parking lot. I'm sure some of you have heard
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this one. I love it because I don't
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necessarily like to think of my addiction as this dark cloud
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following me around all the time, but that motherfucker is
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there. I'm telling you he's there,
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she's there, it's there waiting for you to mess up.
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I have personal experience with this.
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It comes at you in all forms. Triggers.
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It comes at you in obsessions. Thoughts.
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Remember, when's the good times you sent?
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Your addict will send you the highlight reels of all the good
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times that you had and leave out all the bad times.
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Let's think about Anthony. This is what mine says to me.
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Let's think about that time you were alone for a week in a hotel
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room that was super expensive and super nice.
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And although you were alone and by yourself, that was fun.
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Remember, don't think about when you got kicked out of the hotel
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for not being able to pay and when you almost went to jail,
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when the the guy came up to kick you out, the security guard and
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there was drugs all over the place and he let you go.
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Don't think about that. We're only going to think about
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the good times. Your addict is doing push ups
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waiting for you. It is a progressive disease,
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this addiction, alcoholism. It only gets worse, never
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better. So if I'm now a year and a half
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sober again, that means my attic brain has had another year to do
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more push ups. He is stronger than ever.
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The good news is my recovery is also doing push ups.
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The more I work on it and the more I show up and do things I
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don't necessarily want to do. Like I said, my recovery is also
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getting stronger. OK, Lesson 3, you cannot, I
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repeat, you cannot get anybody sober.
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This is a personal journey, a personal decision that somebody
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has to come to when they just have had enough.
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You might be thinking to yourself, my husband has is at
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rock bottom. My son is at rock bottom.
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He this has to be it. Why can't he stop?
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I can't answer that question for you.
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All I know is there was a moment in time, I call it an act of
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Providence because there was a a spiritual experience and I
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didn't see a white light. I didn't see God.
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None of that happened. But there was just something in
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my brain that said, dude, stop fighting, surrender, you've had
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enough. Go to rehab again.
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This is it. Stop the party is over.
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Stop fighting. I wish I did it earlier.
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I would have saved 100 grand, 50 grand.
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I don't even know. I would have saved a lot of
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money. You can't get sober before your
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time is essentially what I'm saying.
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You can support somebody. You can be there when they're
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ready. You cannot enable them and have
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a whole episode on enabling versus support in the family
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episode. But essentially it is a personal
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decision. Somebody has to come to, they
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have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired and willing
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to do whatever it takes to go, willing to go to any lengths to
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get over alcohol or drugs. Lesson 4.
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The people who are happy and sober.
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This is something I've noticed over the 10 years that I've been
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doing this. The people that are happy and
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sober long term all have one thing in common.
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They all believe in some sort of spiritual belief, some sort of
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spiritual practice. They practice spirituality, not
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religion. Some of them practice religion,
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but they all have this fundamental idea of God, this
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fundamental idea of I'm not God. My ego is the problem, I'm
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selfish, I need outside help. I need I am beyond human aid.
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No doctor is going to fix me. No friend is going to fix me.
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No psychiatrist is going to fix me.
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I need to come up with the power greater than me to follow that
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direction. I have a whole episode on
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spirituality. If you're interested, go check
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it out. They all have it.
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It's if you've been around long enough, you talk to the people
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that are happy and sober. I'm there's a lot of people that
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are sober and not happy. OK, That's the other thing.
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There's a lot of people that are miserable and sober for a long
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time. If in my opinion, in my
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experience, if I want to be happy and sober long term, I
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need a connection to something greater than me.
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I need to follow direction of better morals, spiritual
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principles, honesty, hope, faith, service, brotherly love,
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humility. These are all things and and
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it's spirituality is a practice. It is a practice.
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It is rewiring, reconditioning your soul, your brain.
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When you want to act on a defective character, you want to
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freak out and get angry at somebody, you don't do it.
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When you want to cheat at school because it's the easy way out
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and ChatGPT is the greatest thing ever and I could just get
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by, You don't do it. That's something I struggle
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with, by the way. I'm working on it.
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I'm getting better. You are doing, you're
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practicing, not authenticity, you are.
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Yes, authenticity is important, but integrity, that's what I'm
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looking for, integrity. When you're doing the right
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thing, when no one is watching because it's the right thing to
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do, how do I know what the right thing to do is?
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It's pretty simple. So you stay sober long enough
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and you start to get that gut feeling of oh this is wrong,
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don't do that. Lesson 5 Service is the key to
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staying sober. Service, selfless service is the
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key to staying sober. There's going to be times when
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it's inconvenient for you to help another person.
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This doesn't mean that you're bending over backwards and you
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are will trying to will them to get sober.
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It just means that you are going out of your way.
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You're answering the phone when you don't want to.
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You're doing things, you're helping your group out, you're
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making coffee, setting up chairs.
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You're doing things that you don't necessarily believe in.
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Like I said at the beginning, because the suggestions are
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coming from somebody doing better than me.
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Service. Sitting across the table from
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another alcoholic addict, listening to their problems,
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listening to their life, and then sharing your experience
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with them. Not trying to fix them, just
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simply sharing your experience with them and what you did, not
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telling them what to do, telling them what you did.
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That is service. When I am in somebody else's
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shit, I am out of my shit and my problems seem to shrink.
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It works, you just need to try it.
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The other thing I'll say about service too is you don't know
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when your message will get received.
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You keep putting out that message and you think you're not
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helping the person. They keep relapsing.
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Keep relapsing. You never know when that message
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could click for them and work. I've had people come back to me
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and say, hey, man, you said that thing that one time and it
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really helped me and this and that and, and in my mind, I
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thought that that was the most useless talk I've ever given or
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I didn't help that person at all.
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That was a waste of time. Don't discredit yourself.
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Keep carrying the message. It'll be received when it's
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supposed to be received by who is supposed to be received by.
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Hope that made sense. Lesson 6.
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Recovery is a one day at a time program.
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It's a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my
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spiritual condition, but it is daily.
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When I first came into recovery, my only fear, not my one of my
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biggest fears. I had a lot of fears.
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I still have a lot of fears. It's better today.
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My biggest fear was how am I not going to have a drink on my
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wedding day? That was my biggest fear.
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They kept telling me when I shared about it because I got
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honest about that fear and I and I wasn't complaining about it.
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Maybe I complained about it. I did a lot of complaining in
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early recovery. I still do.
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People kept saying to me, son, just get to bed sober.
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Don't drink today. Don't drink today.
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If you didn't drink today, you had a spiritual experience, you
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were a success today. Just make it.
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Keep it simple. Just don't drink today.
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And if that's too hard to wrap your head around, just don't
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drink for the next 15 minutes and keep doing that over and
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over again. You will eventually get months
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and years less than 7. There I wrote all these.
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I love them. You are going to encounter a lot
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of sick people in recovery. OK, let me repeat that.
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There are a lot of unwell people in recovery.
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They may have years, they may be very unwell.
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And what I mean by sick and unwell is they might not be
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practicing authenticity to the best of their ability in that
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moment that you that you talk to them.
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They might be doing things that you don't disagree with that you
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disagree with. And that's OK.
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You need to meet people where they're at.
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And you don't always need to hang out with people like I
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don't love everybody. I sorry, I do love everyone that
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I come into contact with in recovery.
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I love them all, but it doesn't mean that I have to go and have
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coffee with them. A lot of you will understand
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what I'm saying. There are a lot of people that I
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don't need to hang around with in recovery and they might have
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years of sobriety, but they don't have anything that I want,
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essentially. And what do I want?
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Peace of Mind. I want calm, I want presence of
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God, I want Zen, I want quiet, soundness of mind, awareness,
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mindfulness. That's what I want.
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I want to be useful again. And I am today.
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Lesson 8. Coming back after my relapse
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after 7 1/2 years was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
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I don't recommend testing the waters with your addiction.
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And mine LED through steroids and ADHD medication.
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I talked about it extensively in my other episodes and my story.
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It was extremely hard. I just remember being in those
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Airbnb's, kicked out of my house, surfing from hotel to
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Airbnb to hotel thinking I knew what the answer was.
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I had self knowledge. I was full of self knowledge.
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But that didn't do shit because I wasn't willing to take the
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action, because I didn't want to stop, because I saw recovery as
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this mountain with uphill in the snow with booby traps.
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It was just this unpalatable journey that I didn't want to
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partake in. And that is not true.
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The hoop you have to jump through in recovery is a lot
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wider than you think. You just have to take those
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first steps and listen to what people are telling you.
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Take the action and do what they say.
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When you want to use you call them.
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You don't pick up, you just don't pick up that one.
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Which leads me into lesson 9. Secrets keep you sick.
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You're only as sick as your secrets.
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So important. I relapsed because I had
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secrets. I was telling you 90% of the
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truth and I was keeping the 10% back here.
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As one of my favorite counselors in Utah said, you're robbing
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banks 10% of the time, but 90% of the time you're a good
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civilized human being. You're still a fucking bank
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robber, Anthony. You got to be 100% honest.
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If you have any plans or designs or secrets, anything, at the end
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of your day, is there something that should be discussed with
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someone, something that you're uncomfortable with, something
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that you know is wrong, Tell somebody about it.
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Make sure one person on this planet knows everything, whether
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it's your therapist, a sponsor, a friend, your partner, make
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sure somebody on this earth, some human knows everything,
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every single thing. Secrets keep you sick.
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You will relapse eventually because there's a whole thing of
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shame and guilt. And I'm going to do another
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episode on guilt and shame, but it just layers on top of each
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other. And then eventually you're in a
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state of depressed, you're in a state of disturbed.
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And the only solution, once you have all the other failed
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solution, the only failed solution is alcohol and drugs.
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You will get there eventually. Tell somebody everything.
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Lesson 10 Resentment and fear are lethal to us.
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They are poisoned. They will take you out.
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Resentment is anger that is relived, replayed.
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I have a little episode on anger and and resentment.
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Eventually, much like secrets, resentment leaves you in a state
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of disturbed and if you're in that state long enough, you will
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eventually, by process of elimination, the car, the house,
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the girl, the gambling, the shopping, you will eliminate all
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these things until you pick up mind altering substance and it
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may not be your drug of choice. At first, like me, it started
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with steroids and then eventually it LED into Adderall.
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I never abused Adderall before now I I did it was a new thing
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for me. And then you add benzos in.
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There was a whole other whirlwind of terrible relapse.
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These two states will leave you disturbed.
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And when you're disturbed, you are looking for relief.
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And when you are looking for relief, eventually you will find
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the relief that used to work. And if you're choosing
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substances instead of recovery or God, you just don't know
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what's going to happen next. I don't know what's going to
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happen next. I could be in relapse for four
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months, or I could be in a relapse, A Bender for four
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years. I don't know, less than 11 cross
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addiction can take you down another episode on cross
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addiction. Cross addiction is picking up
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other things once you put down your drug of choice.
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I kind of already talked about this, but essentially things
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like peptides nowadays with guys and steroids and Ozempic, you
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can get addicted to that. Going to the gym looking good.
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That is an addiction of it in of itself and that can lead you, it
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can take you down. It can leave you in a state of
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disturbed, like I said, and take you down.
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Lesson 12, the opposite of addiction is connection.
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We can't do this thing alone. I can't, we can.
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We need community. I need a group of people that
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understand what I'm going through and I've been what I've
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been through. It's like a bunch of people
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recover. Coming into recovery is like
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surviving the Titanic. We all just know that was a
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close call. You know, when you walk into a
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recovery space and everyone just looks at each other and they you
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just have that that nod, that camaraderie, like, oh, yeah, I
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know what you've been through. Even though I didn't flip a car
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on the highway like that guy did, I still, I get the
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feelings. I get it.
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That feeling of I want to stop, but I can't.
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And everything in my life is burning to the ground.
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But I keep choosing alcohol. I get it and there are other
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people that get that too. Find them and hang out with
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them. The best question you can ask an
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early recovery is not why. What next, what else?
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What else can I do? What else did you do?
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What did you do when you experienced this?
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I guarantee you there are people in recovery that have been
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through what you have been through and can help you.
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And lesson 14. My biggest problem today is my
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ego. self-centered selfishness. My ego tells me that I'm right
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and you're wrong. It's me versus you.
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That guy's being an asshole and he is doing it personally to me.
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My ego tells me I don't need recovery and you're strong
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enough now, Anthony. You don't need to meditate
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anymore. You don't need to pray.
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You don't need to go to your recovery meetings or spaces.
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You don't need to talk about your problems because you can
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handle this. We've got this, I've got this.
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That's ego. Be aware of that.
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That'll take you down. I always say this, but I
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relapsed because my primary purpose became Anthony instead
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of staying sober and helping the next alcoholic, getting things
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progressing in life, material items looking good.
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I wanted you to like me and if you liked me, I was OK.
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That's codependence, that's ego. I need you to see how good I'm
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doing. I don't want to talk about my
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problems. I don't want to tell you that
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I'm on steroids and trying to fix my body dysmorphia because
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that's that means I'm flawed. Gross.
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I don't want to talk about that. That's ego.
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Be aware of that coming out. Deflate it.
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How do you deflate your ego? Being of service, doing things
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you don't want to do, asking for help.
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I was going to combine my favorite recovery quotes into
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this episode, but I'll do a separate one for that because
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there's a lot of good ones and I I say them throughout my
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episodes. But let's end with this
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beautiful quote from Alan Watts. Who if you don't know Alan
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Watts, I guess he's a philosopher.
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He talks about alcoholism. He talks about ego, he talks
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about spirituality. He has a lot of books, he does a
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lot of talks and he he has a famous quote on alcoholism
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specifically. And it goes like this.
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The alcoholic is not addicted to alcohol.
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He is addicted to the attempt to escape from himself one more
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time. The alcoholic is not addicted to
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alcohol. The drug addict is not addicted
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to drugs. He is addicted to the attempt to
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escape from himself. I don't like what's going on in
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my brain. I don't like here and now.
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I don't like being present. I want to worry about tomorrow
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and I want to be ashamed of the past because that makes me feel
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like I'm in control of things and I want control ego.
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I want to be right. I want to be liked.
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I want to be loved. I want to be praised and
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attaboid. Maybe.
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Perhaps you are not addicted to alcohol or drugs.
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Perhaps you are addicted to escaping yourself.
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The substance is not the root. Self avoidance is.
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Recovery is a self searching process.
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It is a self honest self appraisal.
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Daily self examination. Why do I do things?
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Why do I react in the way I react?
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Why do I pick up alcohol and drugs?
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What is this about? And again, these are deeper
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questions that you don't need to figure out right away in the
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beginning. Ask what next?
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What else? How do I stay sober?
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What do I do? What did you do?
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How did you get through this? Can I bounce something off you?
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Those are the things you want to be asking people that you trust
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and people that have been through addiction and are now
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practicing a recovery program and spiritually fit.
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Like I said in the beginning, those people that are tapped in
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calm, peace, things just sort of roll off their backs.
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They're like walking, they're like soldiers walking through a
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war zone with bullets flying through them.
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And they're just, they're, they trust that they're going to be
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OK. Those are the people I want to
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hang out with. If no one has told you this yet
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today, I love you. Remember, recovery is simple,
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not easy.