Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Letting Go of Judgment & Embracing Curiosity with Arlene Miller

Transcript

Letting Go of Judgment & Embracing Curiosity with Arlene Miller · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

0:01
Hello, Melissa Crook here from The Field Podcast.
0:04
We have ways to engage for today's episode with embracing
0:09
kindness, patience and tolerance with Arlene Miller.
0:14
We talk a lot about here a lot here on the Field podcast.
0:20
Let me start that over again. We talk about living out of our
0:23
own expectations a lot here on The Field Podcast, but do you
0:27
consider what expectations you put upon other people?
0:32
Are they fair and reasonable? Are you making a quick judgment
0:36
of someone else and what you expect from them to do for you
0:41
to show up for you? The work begins with us and we
0:45
should keep these thoughts in the back of our mind as we
0:47
continue to grow and evolve. So just keep in mind we want to
0:51
be the ones to set our own expectations and communicate
0:56
those to others and but it's easy to fall into the trap of
1:00
then ourselves setting expectations for someone else.
1:04
So if you don't know what their expectations are, rather than
1:08
making assumptions, maybe. Ask them.
1:11
Maybe they've never thought about the fact before that they
1:13
need to communicate their own expectations to you.
1:16
So we hope this helps you engage this week with our episode
1:21
today, embracing kindness, patience and tolerance with
1:24
Arlene Miller. Thanks so much for being with
1:26
us. Hello and welcome to The Field
1:44
Podcast. I'm your host, Melissa Crook,
1:47
and I'm here today with a new friend, Arlene Cohen.
1:50
Miller and I met Arlene through our good friends at Pod Match
1:54
and I'm excited to share her voice today.
1:57
She's got a rich background and history, both personally and
2:02
then also what she offers professionally on multiple
2:05
levels. She's got a heart.
2:07
For. Women, and you're going to see
2:09
that unfold as we talk today and go through these talking points.
2:14
But Arlene describes herself as authentic, compassionate,
2:19
courageous and loyal. And she referred to them as
2:22
sacred qualities. And I love that way of thinking
2:26
about our character traits. Arlene, welcome to the Field
2:29
podcast. Thank you, I'm really grateful
2:32
to be here. I'm grateful to have you.
2:34
OK, let's get right into it. Talk to me about prioritizing
2:38
self-care in your life. You've gone through a various
2:41
seasons where you've been a working mom and wife.
2:46
You've been a single mom and working.
2:49
You've been and been married again and you've, So you've seen
2:52
different iterations of what it looks like to try to balance
2:56
taking care of yourself, showing up well for yourself, showing up
3:00
well for others in A and, and we're all we hear women talking
3:04
about all the time trying to balance it all, trying to make
3:08
space for it all. And you're able to help people
3:12
with that now. But talk to me about your
3:13
journey and getting there, understanding that.
3:17
Yeah, I just want to point out one thing with our words and our
3:19
words are so powerful. If we try to do something, we're
3:22
going to be left trying. So it's really important to
3:27
choose and find a way to make it happen.
3:29
You know, even if, if our self-care is like 15 minutes a
3:32
day or whatever it is or, or will we have that time for
3:36
ourselves, we have to really choose it.
3:39
And. And not just try because
3:42
otherwise, like you said, we'll be left trying it.
3:44
And I'm lots of times we don't hear how we're talking to
3:48
ourselves and what's, how powerful those words are.
3:52
And so yes, self-care has always been really important to me.
3:57
I just, I think like a light bulb went off like my freshman
4:00
year of college, like, like the brother of one of my dear
4:05
friends was like, you got me into running into working out.
4:08
And it just became more of a part of my life.
4:11
And so by the time my son was born, I I became pregnant when I
4:16
was 29 and he was born when I was 30.
4:20
And when when I became pregnant, I had I got my law degree from
4:25
University of Kentucky with my ex-husband.
4:27
We moved up to the Cleveland, OH area.
4:30
So I had to retake a bar exam the second time.
4:33
All of our family was in Kentucky.
4:36
All my like my peers and my law school friends, you know, would
4:39
be a support were practicing mostly in Kentucky and Indiana.
4:44
And so I had nothing. And my my ex-husband was doing
4:49
his residency at the Cleveland Clinic.
4:51
So I had like a roof over in my head and I was taken care of,
4:54
but I didn't have him as a physical person there to assist
4:58
me as I opened this business and I was pregnant.
5:01
So I just had to like, develop my own tribe.
5:06
There weren't any like work life balance and harmony coaches back
5:10
then. That wasn't reality.
5:12
And so I just had to sort of like go by the seat of my pants.
5:16
But I guess, and I got a lot of Flack back because, you know,
5:20
back then I was a runner. Now I do yoga and I always
5:24
prioritize, maybe because I would internalize breath a lot.
5:28
I just needed an outlet and, and, and that kind of
5:31
exercising, those endorphins were just such a great outlet
5:34
for me. I did something.
5:37
So I ended up like finding a, a place.
5:39
It was like a big workout club that had babysitters for the
5:43
kids and some other women that had young kids and a couple of
5:45
guys I really liked too. And we would just go out for
5:48
runs together or we'd work out just some weights in the gym.
5:51
But it was like we were, I found a group of like minded souls to
5:55
support me and I supported them because it's not easy being a
6:00
working parent at all. And so, you know, the kids would
6:04
play together, they'd be OK. Sometimes they fight, sometimes
6:07
they wouldn't. But you know, life goes on.
6:09
But sometimes that's really a nice way to do it.
6:12
You know, if we had younger kids to find ways to, you know, have
6:16
friends or even your good acquaintances, which is what
6:19
they were, that we had a common interest, we can give this to
6:23
each other together. Yeah.
6:25
And maybe commiserate a little bit, let off some steam, and
6:28
then be better parents, you know?
6:30
Absolutely, absolutely. I love that you point that out
6:33
of one to choose and not try and because that is so important in
6:38
the end. It's like in that saying yes to
6:40
yourself and choosing yourself and knowing you're worthy and
6:43
valuable of that time. I relate to the running piece.
6:47
I ran for years. I ran competitively in high
6:50
school, a little bit in college, ran half marathons when my kids
6:54
were little, when I was in my 30s.
6:56
My hips finally started screaming at me in my early 40s
6:59
and I, I've switched switched modes, but I understand the
7:03
power of that. Just just releasing it.
7:06
Even though I wasn't tending to other parts intentionally
7:10
necessarily, there was still a relief and a physical relief and
7:15
a movement of things through. And I just took that time to
7:17
clear my head and have that space by myself.
7:20
But you got to value yourself and your time enough to be
7:24
willing to do that. But doing it in community with
7:26
other people that will hold you accountable, expect to see you
7:30
there. You expect to see them there.
7:33
So you can take, you can hold each other accountable as well.
7:35
But there's so much power in that and that you were able to
7:39
grab onto that. It's such a early time.
7:42
That's so important. And I'm thank you for sharing
7:45
that. That's really powerful.
7:47
How did that evolve from there? Like you understood that early
7:51
on, but you've moved into since then really helping other women
7:55
and other men too, But especially you really have a
7:59
heart for working moms and working women in this space.
8:02
So how did you go from thinking, OK, I, I figured this out for
8:06
myself and I know what's important for me.
8:09
I think I can help others with that too.
8:12
Well, I think it's really important for people to
8:14
understand I'm a coach and a mentor.
8:16
So there's a difference. And as a coach, and I do this as
8:20
a mentor to what I've learned through coaching and mentoring
8:23
because I have like a diploma in coaching and mentoring and also
8:26
a diploma in transformational holistic counseling from
8:29
Australia. I can't practice in the US, but
8:31
I wanted to have those skills and abilities.
8:33
And I'm also like a certified meditation facilitator.
8:37
I got all that was still practicing law in my law.
8:40
I I just had this. Well, there was a reason because
8:43
law school does not teach you how to listen.
8:47
And I was like a negotiator in my second law firm and I was a
8:51
marketer. And it's really important to
8:54
know how to actually listen to people so they feel heard,
8:58
understood. And there's that connection not
9:00
from a manipulative sort of place, but from an authentic
9:03
place. And I just realized I need these
9:06
skills and I didn't. I wasn't really thinking at that
9:09
time I was going to leave the law and go into coaching and
9:11
mentoring. I just felt like I really need
9:14
an upgrade here. And so there is a big difference
9:19
between coaching and mentoring what Ioffer to people because
9:22
coaching is like, I know that like you have all the answers
9:26
inside of you. If you're my clients, a coach
9:29
and that so I'm going to be asking you powerful questions.
9:33
I'm going to be reflecting things back that I've heard.
9:35
It's going to be noticing your body language.
9:37
The words that you use may be asking meanings.
9:40
I might have an intuition that I share with you, but I'm always
9:43
handing things back to you and you're deciding as a client in a
9:47
coaching situation and what to do with it.
9:49
It's really empowering. It's very empowering because you
9:55
feel like a pretty self empowered person too.
9:57
And I know personally that I, I do want to evolve and move
10:01
forward, but someone pointing their finger and telling me what
10:03
I have to do doesn't work very well with me.
10:07
No, no. And so to to be with someone and
10:10
to hold this huge judgment free, unconditionally loving space for
10:14
them where they have the opportunity to be explored and
10:17
heard. But they are in the driver's
10:19
seat can be a very new experience for a lot of people,
10:23
and it's like my pleasure to provide that experience.
10:27
But I know that whatever they come up with or whatever they
10:31
get to in each coaching conversation is much better than
10:35
anything I could tell them. Yeah, because I think once we
10:38
know how to tap into ourselves and listen to ourselves and
10:41
trust ourselves, no one knows this better than us.
10:44
Sometimes we just need that reminder that freedom, a few
10:48
tools to access that. So I love that empowering piece
10:51
that you use and also it's so interesting the different
10:56
degrees that are out there, especially things like lawyers
10:58
and doctors that are these high level, high states positions
11:05
where you're helping people in serious need.
11:08
Many times how important it is to be able to listen bit yet all
11:13
of us can identify in our lives. Most likely maybe not, but I
11:18
would say most people can identify in their lives a health
11:21
practitioner, a doctor, a dentist, a lawyer.
11:24
That was not a good listener. They had all the answers, you
11:29
know, answers in quotes, but they had no idea who had to
11:33
listen to what people actually needed, which is the most How
11:36
can you help people properly if you don't know how to listen?
11:39
So I think that's so interesting that when you had the intuition
11:43
and understanding, it was necessary, but two, you had to
11:45
go find that somewhere else. I think that is really speaks a
11:49
lot to what's happening in so many of these spaces where they
11:56
educate you on the science and the practices and the resources
12:02
and the laws and rules, but they don't necessarily tap into
12:07
those. Those what's the word?
12:11
I'm looking for those non scientific skills.
12:15
There's a word. I'm just not crapping it.
12:17
Right. That's right.
12:18
Words. And you don't always find each
12:20
other either. But yeah, you're not that.
12:24
They talk a lot about, oh, that liberal arts education.
12:26
Well, that liberal arts education is going to talk with
12:28
arts and humanities and teach you how to communicate and
12:31
relate to people. And if you can't communicate and
12:34
relate to people, then you. Yeah.
12:36
So I think it's so interesting that process, but that you were
12:39
willing to do that and have what you that has LED you to, you
12:42
know, since then. You just never know where these
12:44
things that you tap into are going to take you on this
12:47
journey that. We're on.
12:49
Yeah. And I'm not going to give myself
12:51
the whole credit. I have some really cool friends.
12:53
I I believe that, you know, like minded people sort of gravitate
12:56
to each other. And so one of my dear friends
12:59
got a diploma in coaching and mentoring, loved it, was very
13:04
successful with it and just really felt like it's great.
13:08
But there's no heart there. They really don't teach you
13:10
that. They talk about it from the
13:12
head, but they don't really give you that advance a feeling of
13:15
just being held and understood and then you're in the space
13:18
where you can share anything and is confidential.
13:21
I mean, it's not. There's no confidential laws
13:24
with being a coach, but I just don't take notes.
13:26
There's nothing. You can.
13:27
Find any, any notes I take, I RIP up afterwards.
13:30
I just use it to help me during the coaching conversation so
13:33
that you know, my clients are protected.
13:35
But I was really lucky with that.
13:37
And I had another friend who became a like a certified
13:42
counselor and she felt the same thing.
13:45
And so she's both of them offered those, you know, got
13:48
registered was they were able to offer these diplomas and and
13:52
we're kind of like knitting me this would.
13:54
Be really good for. You, Arlene, and I will.
13:56
I would have to tell you that I did have my head of a little bit
13:59
of a dark place for a while. I thought I was way too good for
14:01
that. I had, I had, I had a degree
14:05
from Emory University and I had a law degree and you know, like
14:09
I was hot stuff or something. I didn't need anything else.
14:12
But they, you know, after about three years of really looking at
14:14
myself, I'm like, let's be reflected back to me here.
14:17
And best thing I, best thing I ever did.
14:20
Best thing, yeah. Yeah, well, it goes to, you
14:23
know, it's academia is an interesting place.
14:25
My husband's worked in higher Ed academia his whole career.
14:28
So and so it's an interesting space because when you Emory
14:33
isn't excellent school, like a really, really, really high
14:37
level academic institution and you take that with a lot degree,
14:40
not to mention the money you spend and time you put into
14:42
that. I can understand, especially the
14:44
young age when you come out, do you feel like based on these
14:48
elite places I've been and this money that I've spent and time
14:51
that I've invested, I should have all the tools and sometimes
14:55
life will be like, oh, but wait a minute, there's more.
14:57
So, you know, I always, you know, really nice to say that
15:00
to. Me, but I.
15:02
Think it happens a lot though. I think it happens a lot and
15:06
that's not uncommon, but continuing to be a learner, I
15:09
mean, I think that's the most important thing we can do.
15:11
And listening and being a good listener and being listened to,
15:17
that is all part of the that being heard about our being
15:23
valued, you know, I mean, out, you know, supporting each other
15:26
in community. There's so much value in that.
15:29
It's tremendous because most people, if you're talking to
15:32
them also doing is thinking about what they're going to say
15:34
next. Yeah, hold that space of I have
15:36
no clue where this conversation is going to go, but I'm too.
15:39
I'm shuffling. Anything that's about me in my
15:41
life is over there and I'm going to just be here with you and I'm
15:45
going to be the best coach or best mentor that I can be.
15:48
It, it can be like a you can feel it.
15:50
And I have felt it, you know, as when I'm coached or when I
15:53
mentored. And I think it's one of the most
15:56
incredible spaces that we can give to people.
15:59
And you know, you don't have to do that much a lot of that.
16:02
You need the skills, but the being there like that in itself
16:05
is transformational, I think for us as the facilitators and for
16:09
the people that we're with. Yeah, there's a lot of power in
16:12
learning to be present and learning to be mindful in
16:15
moments. Absolutely.
16:16
Well, I'm going to touch on that one little bit later, but before
16:19
we do that, talk to me about confidently setting boundaries
16:23
with your time with, you know, you talked about earlier
16:25
choosing when we choose, that means we're setting a boundary
16:29
on our time that we're going to give to ourself, that we're
16:33
going to allow space, that we're going to say no to some things
16:36
so we can say yes to some other things.
16:39
Talk to me about, you know, you seem to understand that pretty
16:42
early on. I'm going to make a space for
16:44
this is that is that something that's come naturally to you or
16:48
talk to me about your journey with that.
16:50
I mean when? I first started practicing law.
16:54
I really had to learn the hard way.
16:56
I didn't end up in. I was there for 12 years, but I
16:58
just, I didn't have the boundary skills and other skills to
17:01
handle. It I.
17:02
Mean I came from a middle class suburb in Louisville, KY and I
17:06
was a divorce attorney. That's when I learned when I got
17:09
out of practice in law by you really have to, to learn from
17:11
other attorneys. And and when I went out on my
17:13
own, there was divorced in child custody and I got appointed
17:16
sometimes by the domestic relations court to be a guardian
17:20
at light and representing children, you know, when the
17:23
parents will, you know, had drug or alcohol or other problems and
17:26
they didn't want either one to be the primary custodian.
17:29
And so I didn't have clear strong boundaries in the early
17:33
part of my law practice. And I was really affected by the
17:37
negativity in the profession by the judges, by how other
17:41
attorneys behaved and were allowed to behave and get away
17:45
with it by the judges. And it sort of really bowled me
17:48
over. And my, my journey of beginning
17:52
to work with all this kind of more spiritual stuff actually
17:56
was when I got divorced when my son was almost three, he
18:00
developed ADHD pretty severely. And I went on a journey to heal
18:04
him. Yeah.
18:06
As his mom. And I think the universe was
18:09
there to help me heal myself. So I did, you know, I think it
18:12
had encouraged strong and appropriate boundaries with a
18:15
child or if you have children, to me has been the biggest
18:17
learning experience because with him, you know, for years, I
18:22
wanted to make sure he didn't feel it.
18:24
Anything, they just have to have those experiences I did.
18:27
And what I learned in the process is that he came on this
18:30
planet just like I did, to learn certain skills and abilities and
18:33
lessons. And if I didn't let him fail, he
18:37
was not going to be able to make it in the world.
18:38
And I had to learn to step back. And those hardest thing I ever
18:41
did as a mom, but I did it because I knew in my heart of
18:44
hearts that what I was doing was not OK.
18:47
It was really actually arrogant. It was trying to make my life
18:50
easier. But in the meantime, he needed
18:52
to learn that. He had to stand up for him
18:54
himself, take care of himself, and he, if he, if he failed to
18:58
have it, pick himself back up. And so a lot of my lessons in
19:02
learning how to set those clear, strong and appropriate
19:04
boundaries was from our interactions and the pain of
19:08
letting all that stuff go. It was the best thing I ever
19:10
did. But but as as a parent it was
19:12
not easy. Yeah, no, it it is.
19:14
I think that's so normal for us as parents.
19:17
We've got three. I've got 3 grown daughters now.
19:19
But yeah, you that learning to like you got to let them learn
19:23
how to fly or if you're going to have they're going to have any
19:26
chance, they've got to understand what consequences are
19:29
where you're there to kind of guide them through.
19:31
OK, this happened. How are we going to respond now?
19:35
What are some, you know, tools and resources, But it's hard.
19:37
You want to protect them from everything.
19:39
And especially when they're dealing with something hard
19:41
already, I think that instinct goes into play even more.
19:45
But the best thing we can do for them is actually model, you
19:50
know, this is how we, you know, speak up for ourselves.
19:53
This is how we take care of ourselves.
19:56
I'm going to take care of myself right now.
19:58
I want you to know that that's OK so that when you're an adult,
20:01
you'll feel emboldened to do that as well.
20:04
I mean, there's I mean, it's if you look back on it, you're
20:07
like, yeah, it was the right thing.
20:08
But in the moment, it is very difficult.
20:10
So thank you for sharing that. I think it's so important that
20:12
we just. Own that yeah, I didn't really
20:15
say it in those words too at the time, but you know he's really
20:20
with my I have two ex husbands with my second one.
20:23
They're really really close and so he knows he can call us
20:26
anytime and he doesn't live that far away from us.
20:29
And so it's only later in his life like he's coming back and
20:34
asking he's like like for money he's doing really well
20:37
financially or you know he wanted to have something in
20:40
mind. I'm like, no, I'm really going
20:42
to say no now. Just no explanation.
20:44
And he just sort of looks at me like because he knows that he
20:46
can do it himself, but sometimes he's just funny.
20:49
As an adult, he still sort of tests those waters and I just
20:53
have to laugh. It's like, no, you're a grown up
20:58
man, you can handle this and he can.
20:59
He's very successful and I'm really proud of him.
21:04
But it's, it's funny. Mothers and sons, I don't know.
21:07
I'm sure mothers and daughters have this stuff too, but.
21:09
Yeah, no, they do. And I thank you for those
21:10
examples because I what I've learned too is adult parenting,
21:15
adult children is a whole new Ave. of figuring out how to show
21:22
up, when to show up, when to pull back, when to be there.
21:25
I mean, it is a whole new. And we, you know, with us, we'd
21:28
be like, OK, this one needs us this way, this one needs us this
21:32
way, this one needs us this way. And we even have to have
21:34
different kinds of boundaries with each of them because based
21:38
on what they asked and what they need and what season they're in
21:41
because that's yeah, it's a whole different ball game.
21:44
So thank you for all of that, because I think sometimes we can
21:49
feel really lonely and isolated when we're trying to make these
21:52
decisions for ourselves and figure out what's best to know.
21:55
Like, no, we all got to figure it out.
21:56
We've all got it. We've all got to take this
21:59
journey and, and, and there's, and you're not alone in this as
22:02
you figure this out too. And there's resources out there
22:06
to help you and support you. All right, taking care of our
22:10
emotional health as much as our physical health, our mental
22:13
health, so much of what you do is that.
22:17
So talk to me about your journey in making all of those
22:20
connections and how these feed off of each other and the
22:23
importance there is to tending to them.
22:26
And you use a lot of different modalities within this, but talk
22:29
to me about your journey and learning about that.
22:34
Well, I've been in like a mentoring group for a very long
22:36
time and that's been very, very helpful.
22:38
So I always have like this group of like minded souls that I can
22:41
come together with. And I really recommend that for
22:43
everybody because it's really being the lone wolves and trying
22:47
to do it by ourselves in the world.
22:49
I think it's a really rough road and I don't think it works that
22:51
well. But if we come together with a
22:53
group of like minded souls, it can be friends in our community,
22:55
friends we find online because we have a common interest.
22:58
And as long as it's a positive and uplifting experience and not
23:02
someplace where people just come to complain and moan in how
23:04
horrible their life is. Because then we're, we're
23:07
focusing on what we don't want to have in our lives.
23:09
Let's not do that. It, it can be really, really
23:11
helpful and it can help us to move forward, especially where
23:15
we hear, well, this person did this and this person did that
23:18
and, and we know that we're not alone.
23:20
You know, you don't have to get the answers from them, but just
23:22
know we're not alone. And that's what's what's been a
23:25
real help for me, you know, just to have some mentoring groups
23:29
that I'm a part of where I know that no matter what I'm going
23:33
through, I'm not alone. And another thing that I really
23:36
learned through this and, and just in my own experience, and I
23:41
see it in a lot of people that I work with, is that there's this
23:44
thing out there in humanity that I'm, I'm selfish and I should
23:49
feel guilty if I love myself, God forbid, and I feel of my own
23:55
cup with love. And to me that just, if you
23:57
really step back, it's so counterintuitive.
24:02
If I could, that's the nice. That's what it is, Yep.
24:07
And The thing is, is that when we fill ourselves up with love
24:10
and we share the overflow of that love with other people,
24:13
we're not going to go through the silly cycle where we're I'm
24:16
not judging it, it just, you know, it just seems like it is a
24:18
silly cycle where we it's not helpful.
24:21
It's like, OK, I'm giving and giving and giving and giving me
24:24
my cup is run dry. Now I'm getting frustrated and
24:27
angry and maybe I lash out at somebody.
24:29
Then I feel guilty and horrible about myself for doing it.
24:32
And then I go back into being someone who over gives, who's a
24:36
doormat and feels totally drained and doesn't have
24:39
anything to give. So when we go through that
24:41
cycle, we're hurting both ourselves and the other people.
24:45
If we're filling ourselves up with love, we don't really need
24:49
anything from the other people that we're loving.
24:51
And we're coming. There's a whole person and that
24:54
changes everything. And one of the ways that I found
24:58
to do this is, is that I think I feel very strongly as a matter
25:02
of fact, that we all have these skills where if a friend of ours
25:07
is telling us all the things that are going wrong in their
25:09
life, but it's really just it's us talking.
25:12
This is our stuff, but we're hearing it from us.
25:14
Then we would know how to champion them.
25:16
We would know how to support them.
25:17
We would know what to say to them.
25:18
We would encourage them. We would say we love them or
25:21
they're from them. And if they really had their
25:23
head of a dark place, we, we give them some tough love in, in
25:26
the best way we could. So we already have those skills,
25:30
we don't have to learn it from anywhere else, we just have to
25:32
give ourselves permission to turn around and give that to
25:36
ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
25:39
Practice makes permanent. And the more we do that, the
25:42
more we acknowledge ourselves. For every little small step we
25:45
take forward with filling ourselves up with self-care and
25:47
self love, the easier it becomes, the more natural it is
25:51
for us. Absolutely.
25:52
It's that retraining your nervous system because we start
25:55
getting scripts, especially as little girls about how we're
25:58
supposed to show up and be nice and tape everybody else first.
26:02
Otherwise, you know, putting people yourself versus selfish
26:05
and and you're exactly, I've said this before too.
26:08
It is counterintuitive. Nobody wins when we show up
26:11
irritable, tired, feeling like a martyr.
26:15
Then it we go into codependency and enmeshment to try to find
26:20
our value through affirmation there.
26:22
And it's a terrible cycle to be in that nobody wins where we
26:26
actually are told from the get go, take good care of yourself
26:31
so that you can show up refreshed and authentic and
26:34
whole and be the healthiest version of yourself for you and
26:38
everybody else around you. Your mood is different, you feel
26:42
refreshed, you feel rejuvenated, and you're surrounding yourself
26:46
with people that value that as well.
26:48
You talk about finding your tribe.
26:49
You're going to draw in and attract those kinds of people
26:53
with that kind of energy that want the best for you.
26:57
But there's so many impacts on our mental, emotional, physical
27:00
health when we don't put those things into play, you know, and
27:04
it's just, it's a trickle down effect.
27:07
And if we just can address it upfront and get rid of that
27:09
idea, but yeah, you got it. You've got to keep practicing it
27:12
because it's not the first thing we're taught.
27:15
And so we have to train our brain, our nervous system be
27:18
like, no, no, no, no, no, we're going to do this now.
27:22
This is what's actually healthy in and best for me and stay with
27:25
it and keep choosing that the interest our inner knowing.
27:28
We're also told not to trust ourselves as it when we're very
27:31
young, especially as little girls and women and learning
27:34
that those cues to let us know what we need are there to help
27:39
us. They're our bodies aren't
27:40
against us, they're for us. They're trying just trying to
27:43
give us wisdom and insight to what it is we need.
27:46
So viewing it from that aspect will help us to make sure we're
27:50
eating all the parts of us that need attention.
27:53
Yeah. And I'd like to add something to
27:55
that, you know, because I can feel like a lot to do by
27:57
ourselves, but we also feel like a lot just to do with like
28:00
minded people. But there's another way we can
28:02
do it that can be maybe easier and more supportive and not like
28:06
a red flag for other people. Like we're sure what are you
28:08
doing? And that's like if let's say
28:10
you'd like to you've always wanted to learn how to throw
28:12
pottery, or you'd like to learn how to paint or draw, or you
28:15
want to learn how to play the guitar, or there's something
28:18
musical, or you'd like to garden.
28:20
You know, maybe there's a Garden Club.
28:22
Maybe there's there's got to be some group of people that like
28:25
to do something that you would like to learn or already like to
28:28
do. You're just coming together with
28:30
them and maybe it's once a week and you're enjoying that
28:33
activity together that's going to fill you up with love.
28:37
You're doing something you love and enjoy, but it's just, it's
28:39
not going to be like a little red flag for everybody that
28:41
you're different. But you're finding a way that
28:45
that is an easier way than just how do I do this by myself or
28:48
even some on the group? If we, if we don't have like
28:52
someone that's really there all the time helping us, it's a
28:55
really beautiful way to to begin to give that to ourselves.
28:59
It doesn't feel so daunting. Yeah, yeah, that's a great way
29:02
to look at that. That's a great, yeah.
29:04
And I talk about it and we'll talk about, you know, the find
29:06
those activities that nourish you.
29:08
What is that thing that lights you up?
29:10
What's that thing that you haven't engaged with in a while
29:13
but brings you a lot of energy? And yeah, I, I think and taking
29:17
the pressure off of it being something and just go do
29:20
something you enjoy rather than I've got to go do this and it's
29:24
supposed to give me this result. Just find those things that, you
29:27
know, and taking the pressure off that too.
29:29
That's a really good point. Thank you for that.
29:32
All right, how we can support ourselves and other women in
29:36
living unapologetically. We are the say sorry champions
29:41
of the world so many times. And it's like, you know, take,
29:46
you know, really feeling empowered to show up as our
29:50
authentic selves and bring other women along with us.
29:52
Talk to me about your journey with us.
29:58
I think the best thing that we can do starting as, you know,
30:01
someone who's been through a life, we all have been through
30:03
trials and tribulations and challenges and ups and downs
30:06
moments, is that when we sort of get something like what, what
30:11
we're talking about, we both sort of get this, you know, we
30:14
can, we can hold the space and model that for others.
30:17
And also it's just like we can sort of like shout it out in a
30:21
way energetically. This is so amazing.
30:23
When I practice this, when I, when I, when I love myself, you
30:27
know, through the arts that I do, through the music I do,
30:30
through the yoga that I do, It's just what I do now.
30:33
I, I show myself, I love myself. I'm with this lovely community
30:37
and it's so amazing. And then when we sort of shout
30:40
that out to the ethers, it's like other people in the whole
30:43
world can feel it and find it when they're ready for it.
30:46
When they're like, I don't know what to do.
30:48
I don't know what to do. And it'll be like in that kind
30:50
of lower ether area of of thoughts and feelings of
30:53
humanity and there'll be new things for people to grab on to
30:57
to go wow, I could learn to play the guitar I already played.
31:01
Wouldn't be fun to be in a group of people who just sort of
31:04
played around the guitar together every week, whatever it
31:06
is. And that would really like my
31:08
heart. That would be so much fun.
31:10
And you find a group, you know, just look around and Craigslist
31:14
or whatever it is or yes, around to some friends.
31:16
And, and we, we model the behavior that we, when we learn
31:21
stuff and we sort of like shut it out to the universe.
31:25
You know, this is so cool, this is so amazing.
31:27
You've got to try this. That can really help people.
31:30
You know, every time we learn something, every time we have
31:33
one of those kind of experiences, I mean, we all have
31:36
little experiences of filling our heart up with love every
31:38
single day. Yeah, maybe we just have this
31:41
really cool 32nd conversation with a checkout lady at the
31:44
grocery store or with a friend or with just a little passing
31:49
thing. It's just like, oh, that's nice.
31:51
And if we really acknowledge that and appreciate that and
31:54
feel it, it's it we're helping other people to ground in the
31:57
screen set as well, especially when we're like, wow, that was
32:00
really cool. I'm not going to forget this.
32:02
And we acknowledge ourselves for being fully present in that that
32:05
moment, recognizing it and enjoying it.
32:08
Yeah, really good stuff there. Thank you so much.
32:10
And I think, too, when people see us living that way, they
32:14
also want to know, what are you doing?
32:17
I mean, because it comes off of us, the way our aura, the way we
32:21
carry ourselves, our mood, that's also attractive to people
32:25
as well, I think. But I love that talking to, you
32:28
know, that sharing with people and being open with people and,
32:33
and letting them know like you can make those choices too.
32:36
And, you know, let me know if you'd like some resources or
32:39
have you thought about this? I mean, I just love the way you
32:42
approach that. Thank you so much for that.
32:44
All right, the importance of setting and coming back to your
32:48
why and your values and what you choose to do and who you choose
32:53
to surround yourself with, who you decide to work with.
32:57
Talk to me about the place and the the part that they play in
33:03
helping you decipher those things.
33:06
I just really feel like it's so important to be flexible and
33:09
adaptable and, and that what I endeavor to practice is always
33:14
to greet myself and you every day and every moment and the
33:17
people that I'm seeing every day and every moment because you're,
33:21
you're one way right now. But if I assume you're going to
33:23
be the same way the next time I meet you, then I'm sort of
33:25
putting you in a box. And if I always assume that I'm
33:28
going to be one way because this is the way I am now that I'm
33:31
putting myself in a box. And so I think it's really
33:34
important to just drop a lot of expectations with which are
33:37
judgments and let our values, we do have core values.
33:41
But I really think that I love that can just flow like I gave
33:44
you authenticity, compassionate, courageous and loyal.
33:47
Tomorrow I might choose something else.
33:49
I might choose like unconditional love, worthiness,
33:53
calm assurance. And I don't know, something else
33:55
will come to me, some other sacred quality.
33:58
Because we have all those sacred qualities available to us.
34:00
We can embody them all. And so I really feel it's
34:04
important to go with the flow and, and to listen where I where
34:08
I get myself in most trouble. If I really, I have this feeling
34:12
like don't do this, Arlene and I sort of override it.
34:16
And then I have to go through this whole field, through the
34:18
consequences of it. I'm like, I knew it from the
34:21
beginning. I didn't listen.
34:23
How many times am I going to do that?
34:24
But don't beat. It's not important.
34:25
We don't want to beat ourselves up for that.
34:27
Yeah, this is another mistake. It's an opportunity to learn and
34:30
grow. But you know, when we listen to
34:33
our own hearts knowing, when we listen to our intuition, even if
34:37
the head is saying, but you've got to do this, you know, step
34:42
back. And sometimes the best thing to
34:44
do is just say, you know, I'm not going to make a decision for
34:47
2448 hours. I'm I'm just going to let things
34:49
flow a little bit because sometimes we get into urgency,
34:52
like we have to do something now.
34:54
Yeah, yeah, I was talking to a a guest yesterday about the power
34:58
of the pause and taking a moment is so important.
35:03
Another guest that I had on a couple seasons ago, she has that
35:07
like kind of unwritten rule in her life where she says yes or
35:10
no to nothing. She's like, give me some time to
35:13
think about. And she in her head gives
35:15
herself a minimum 24 hours to consider, go back, think on it.
35:19
How's it sitting with me? What's my calendar look like?
35:21
Whatever. What other commitments have I
35:24
made? Yeah, that importance of.
35:26
And I love what you said about not putting people in boxes
35:29
because we get this list and it it's from society, from culture,
35:36
from a very young age of what is expected, how we'll show up in
35:40
the world versus, you know, what's actually true of us.
35:45
And that allows us to be authentically.
35:48
And that which really goes nice into talk to me about living out
35:53
of your own expectations versus others.
35:56
You, you have done that, you are doing that.
35:58
You have learned through life and processes and journeys and
36:02
mistakes to do that. And you also really are
36:06
passionate about supporting other, you know, women and
36:09
people with that. So talk to me about, you know,
36:12
and also it communicate. I think the other part of it
36:15
expectations is, you know, living out of our own, figuring
36:18
out who we authentically are and which are values and can really
36:22
help inform. But then we got to communicate
36:25
them too. We can't assume that people just
36:28
know and and if we don't want them to define this a certain
36:33
way, then we have to like, no, no, no, no.
36:35
Actually, my expectation for this is actually that.
36:37
But talk to me about what you've learned about those, about
36:41
expectations I. Really like the word, I mean, I
36:43
guess I should word clear because everyone uses it in a
36:45
different way because from the expectations or judgments and
36:47
and things that kind of like this in a little, you know, I
36:50
like to notice when I'm having expectations and maybe reframe
36:56
it and do it in a different way. So it just feels to me that we
37:03
get ourselves in trouble when we're, when we try to think
37:05
everything out, make pros and con lists, we're all in our
37:09
head, which we go around and around and around in circles
37:12
like a little hamster and the wheel running really fast and
37:14
getting nowhere. If we stop and breathe.
37:17
And we like ground. I like to ground.
37:19
Like I pretend like I'm a tree. There's there's roots of light
37:23
from my heart down my body, out my feet into the heart of the
37:26
planet. So I'm connected heart to heart
37:28
with her. And I'm really so present here
37:30
now and you know, all the way up to source.
37:33
So there's like this lovely connection and really be fully
37:36
present here now in my heart and notice if I'm contracting and
37:40
allow myself to stand out. So there's plenty of room for
37:45
making decisions and moving forward.
37:47
And then really, you know, feel into, you know, I would love to
37:51
now, you know, how may I best serve, you know, in it.
37:55
Sometimes there's not a definitive yes or no.
37:58
And sometimes what we just have to do is like this feels like
38:01
the best thing right now. And I always visualize it is
38:04
like we've gotten so far in our life and we're standing on the
38:07
top of a Cliff. There's this beautiful skies out
38:10
there, but it looks like we'd step off the Cliff.
38:12
We're going to fall into the abyss.
38:13
But I feel, I don't know, whatever the way you want to
38:16
say, it's Spirit God, the universe said, if I take a step
38:19
forward, you know, we have to do the work on the ground.
38:22
If I take a step forward, also just take one step, how does
38:25
that feel underneath me? I'm being held and then I can
38:29
feel into that and then what's the next step from there?
38:32
And if I need to maybe vary it a little bit, I will do that, but
38:36
I don't have to. I, I stopped trying to figure
38:39
everything out. Yes, I do have goals of, of, of
38:41
things I'm working on. But within that, I really feel
38:45
that when we have that adaptability and flexibility and
38:48
we don't put that pressure on ourselves that I have to know my
38:51
6 month, my one year, my five year plan of how I'm going to be
38:55
different and what I'm going to do.
38:56
And I don't know, she's like that.
39:00
Yeah. Well, yeah, it can be really
39:02
restricting when you try to tie yourself into a plan.
39:05
And life is nuanced and things happen that we don't see coming.
39:09
And so if we get so locked into something that leaves no room to
39:13
adapt, when we have to be adaptable and, and, and, and
39:18
give ourselves the space so that we're not frozen when that
39:22
unexpected thing comes because we're so locked into this one
39:26
way of being. Right, Yeah, we are, we might
39:30
have like those horse blinders on that this is the only way
39:32
forward when all these other opportunities are coming there
39:35
that are really like, that's why I like to call my, my business
39:39
is jewel consultants because they're all different sides of
39:41
the diamond, but they all work together to form that beautiful
39:44
jewel. Yeah, or that beautiful crystal
39:46
or stone or whatever it is. And so it might be an amazing
39:50
opportunity. This is just another part of the
39:52
jewel of the overall experience that we're having is perfectly
39:56
within and what we're seeking to be more of and to accomplish in
40:00
our lives. And if we have those blinders
40:03
on, they can only be one way then then we've missed a
40:05
beautiful opportunity. Yeah, absolutely, Absolutely.
40:08
Thank you for that. That was so good.
40:10
All right, Accepting the layered aspects of ourselves, all those
40:14
parts of us, all those pieces that make up who we are.
40:17
Some we love, some we don't. Decisions we wish we wouldn't
40:21
have made, you know, all those things.
40:23
I really feel like to get to a place of peace and contentment
40:26
and really knowing your value, you've got to find a way to to
40:30
come to grips with all of that in a very non judgmental way.
40:34
And something I've learned over the last five years, especially
40:38
when I really got serious about getting OK with my layers, was
40:43
getting being curious rather than judgmental.
40:46
It makes it enables me to be kinder to myself, which then
40:50
enables me to be kinder and less judgmental of others as well.
40:54
So, so talk to me about your layers journey and how how
40:57
that's felt for you. Well.
40:59
I want to acknowledge you because curiosity is just a
41:02
beautiful sacred quality. Because when we're curious,
41:04
you're right, I wonder, you know, we're wondering and we're
41:07
curious. It helps us to allow all that
41:09
judgment to fall away. And that's a a great thing for
41:12
all of your audience to know and to work with.
41:14
That's a beautiful sacred quality.
41:17
I sort of work with acceptance. Like I love it and accept myself
41:21
as I am right here, right now. Warts and all, I know there's
41:24
some ugly bits under there. I know there's some beautiful
41:26
shiny bits and I'm choosing not to judge it.
41:30
And, and basically that's a part of saying that all the mistakes
41:34
I've made are just opportunities to learn and grow and that we
41:37
can play with them on a daily basis.
41:39
If we've made a humding or even a small mistake, it's like, OK,
41:43
I made this mistake. It's an opportunity to learn and
41:45
grow. How could I do that differently
41:49
next time? Something because there's it.
41:51
Maybe not the exact same thing, but since we didn't learn from
41:54
it, we have more learning there. The situation will come up again
41:57
so we can visualize and feel ourselves.
42:00
Like if something similar comes up again, how could I handle it
42:03
from a more expanse of loving space and really feel and
42:07
visualize it now and even go to sleep with that visualization.
42:11
So it'll work with us in the dream state.
42:13
And then when we're, when we have something similar come up
42:17
again, we have a tool kit that we can use.
42:19
We might, it might be too having too fast to think about it, but
42:23
we already have it like in our hearts.
42:25
And if we make that a practice, then you know, it's, it's more
42:29
of a fast track to stop judging ourselves for all those
42:32
mistakes. We can't go back and change the
42:34
past, but we can and use it as a learning tool for the future.
42:39
And you know, the greatest inventors, the people that did
42:42
the most amazing things on this planet throughout all time and
42:45
everything beyond even what was in recorded history, they've
42:48
made more mistakes, they've had more failures.
42:51
They fall another face more times than we have even tried.
42:55
And they had a different attitude about it.
42:57
And that's the attitude that I'm talking about in your curiosity
43:00
and wonder. It is is another facet of that
43:03
attitude. Yeah, I mean, and I think it
43:05
keeps us from living in that fear space too, that fear of
43:09
seeing things as opportunities rather than failures.
43:13
I mean, failure as a word, I think it gets thrown around in a
43:17
way that it's like, OK, it was it a failure or was it just a
43:21
step in the direction that I needed to go through to get to
43:24
the space I'm in now? So I really think we even have
43:27
to reframe the way we think about that word and what it and
43:31
how we handle that and and look at that.
43:35
Yeah, in a way that I love it is that it's like a mentor or
43:39
someone you can hear things thousands of times and then
43:42
someone says it a little bit differently and you you no
43:45
longer get in your head if you get in the heart and the penny
43:47
drops. And so maybe another way to look
43:50
at it is I came in this lifetime to learn certain things.
43:52
And so I'm going to have challenges and obstacles and
43:55
things that don't feel pleasant. And I can either push them away
43:58
or and do it kicking and screaming and throwing a little
44:00
tantrum on the ground like I'm 3.
44:03
Or, you know, I can sort of begin to handle it the way we've
44:05
been talking about. And it's not always easy just
44:08
kind of looking to fall on our face and forget.
44:10
And, you know, when we, you know, it's like, OK, that that
44:13
can work. But what I like to also tell
44:15
myself is that that's not who I am.
44:18
I'm a soul. I'm a spirit having a human
44:20
experience. Yeah.
44:22
My thoughts, my feelings, those are not who I am.
44:26
And what I, what we can also tell ourselves is, well, that's
44:28
not like me. That's not like me.
44:31
I'll do better the next time or we can tell them ourselves.
44:34
That's more like me. I'll have more, more of that.
44:36
So we're working sort of with that positive affirmation, law
44:39
of attraction stuff without taking out the the what we used
44:45
to do in older religions. You like those false.
44:47
We have this bloody back and you're suffering to be holy and
44:52
all that stuff. Yeah.
44:53
So yes, it's a better way to do it.
44:55
Absolutely, Absolutely. Yeah, Agree 100%.
44:58
And I, you know, I really like the way you laid that out that
45:00
it was really good. And I think it just again, it
45:04
takes away that fear piece and, and, and because fear can be
45:08
such a restrictive thing for us and, and keep us stuck in
45:13
spaces. But when we can approach it with
45:16
that way, it just, it just creates a lot more freedom for
45:20
us. Yeah, you know, just a lot more
45:22
freedom. All right, in living out, feel,
45:25
finding empowerment, embracing layers, which which you do, you
45:28
have done. You do you've, you've, you've
45:31
it's evident in your our discussion today in your life's
45:36
work. Talk to me about how that's
45:38
impacted your relationship with yourself as well as your
45:41
relationship with other people. You are very cognitive of the
45:45
power of community and and connecting with those that are
45:50
like minded than support and love us.
45:53
So so talk to me about how that you've evolved into that.
45:58
That's something that you have a very clear understanding of.
46:02
Well, I think there's some synchronicity in the universe.
46:05
I went to this well, I was looking for a long time, you
46:09
know, it felt like a long time. I mean, I ended up going to this
46:12
conference in Mount Shasta and wandering around in this cute
46:16
little store. And I opened this door and then
46:18
it was this like flyer of of this mentoring group that I'm a
46:21
part of that I've been a part of for years.
46:23
And so I just sort of like, oh, this seems cool.
46:26
And I ended up just like heart singing moment, you know, fell
46:29
into it. But I had a lot of, you know, I
46:31
had, it's really interesting when I was still practicing law
46:36
in Cleveland, OH, I was sharing this space with another attorney
46:40
and I'm never there at night. But my ex-husband had my son or
46:44
son and I had some work to do. So I came in the office was like
46:47
7:00, no one was there. I got this phone call and this
46:51
woman became like my best friend.
46:52
And anyway, she had no money, but she was very much like a
46:58
spiritual, my first spiritual teacher and didn't have
47:02
attachments. She was an astrologer and but
47:04
she didn't do it the way most people did it.
47:06
She was just, she did it so that we could step into more of our
47:09
own knowing and be more of our best selves.
47:12
And so I took a lot of free readings from her in exchange
47:15
for just getting a dissolution from a husband that had been
47:18
gone for years because she wanted to remarry.
47:21
It was a really pretty easy thing.
47:22
And you know, I just feel like she was like a blessing that
47:26
sort of fell in my life. And, you know, somehow I was
47:28
there and she made the phone call and I picked up the phone.
47:30
And there's we have those moments of just beautiful
47:32
synchronicity if we're open to them to help us and we take
47:36
advantage of them just to step forward.
47:39
And I am really grateful for the ones that I've had in my life.
47:42
And I know that we all have. And I'm sure I've missed a bunch
47:44
of them, but I'm grateful for the ones that I actually took
47:48
advantage of. Yeah, absolutely.
47:50
And the impacts of those relationships have.
47:52
And I think too though that was a great example of there was an
47:55
exchange and through that exchange you found ways to work
47:59
together and that created this long term connection.
48:03
And I think that's so beautiful too.
48:04
What's possible and what can unfold out of that?
48:09
You, you seem to have a, a really strong, like accountable
48:14
inner confidence, like you own what you've done and the
48:18
mistakes, but also we're very confident moving forward.
48:21
Where do you when do you feel like you've got to that space
48:25
of, of just being able to be present like that?
48:29
Well, that's very kind of you. I always feel like I'm a work in
48:32
progress. You know, I think if people say
48:34
that they get there and they're like, you know, they're like
48:37
really full of themselves. It's like, whoa, that's the kind
48:41
of person like, thank you very much, but no, thank you.
48:43
So yes, I have made a lot of progress, you know, and I'm very
48:46
grateful for it, for the coaches and the mentors that I've had to
48:50
help me move forward because I don't think I could have, I know
48:53
I could have gotten this far in this life by myself and just to
48:56
have the, the, the, the knowing that, that, that I needed to
49:00
connect and work with these people in these groups.
49:02
So, but I don't ever feel like I've gotten there, you know, and
49:06
there's always moments where I make a mistake and I have to
49:09
backtrack and really learn from that, from that mistake less and
49:12
less to the school of Hard Knocks.
49:14
But it still comes knocking every down there.
49:16
You know, there's no, it's not like I'm like made it somewhere.
49:21
So I just, I'm grateful for how far I've come and and I'm I know
49:27
that I'm always a work in progress.
49:30
Yeah, yeah. And, and I think too, that
49:33
having that confident humility, and I think that's the thing
49:38
that we don't talk about enough, confidence, humility is a really
49:42
beautiful thing. It's like I own who I am, I'm
49:46
authentic, this is who I am, and also I know that I'm continuing
49:50
to grow. I think that people are drawn to
49:53
people like that we because there is a a really empowering,
49:59
empathetic presence about that. It's very comforting to other
50:04
people. Have you found that to be the
50:05
case, that you're kind of drawn to other people that carry
50:08
themselves that way too? Yeah, the ones that are a few
50:12
steps ahead of me then say, Arlene, you need to look at this
50:16
part of you is not so pretty. I can remember when I was early
50:20
in my life, I just I had a person and it was close to me in
50:23
my family that I just every time I saw them, my blood would boil.
50:28
They would trigger me because I thought they were selfish and
50:31
arrogant and self-righteous and know it all.
50:34
And I finally got this message like, don't you think you ought
50:37
to turn around and look at yourself to see where that's in
50:40
you? Otherwise you wouldn't be being
50:41
triggered. So that can be that can be.
50:45
It was very humbling. Very grateful for that because
50:47
it helped me to let go of a lot of defensiveness I would have if
50:51
someone was talking to me and telling me to do stuff that I
50:54
didn't want to do or share stuff I didn't want to share.
50:57
To be in a place where I could bring more of a sense of humor
51:00
or maybe remove myself or just say, hey, I'm not, I'm not going
51:04
to talk about that, but not have any reaction.
51:06
So I think we get a lot of our lessons from what other people
51:11
nearer to us. And I'm always on the lookout
51:13
for that If if it it helps to keep me humble.
51:19
But yeah, yeah, I guess that's what I felt this year.
51:21
I don't know what your question was, but that's what came out.
51:24
That no, that was perfect. That's exactly what I was, what
51:27
I was. Don't know.
51:28
It was beautiful. And I think, you know, it's
51:30
interesting whenever I've something I've learned to do and
51:33
I have learned. I have not always said it, but I
51:35
have learned, especially the last few years, is if the
51:39
defensiveness is coming up in me, that's the clue.
51:42
There's something going on with me that isn't, you know, So
51:46
what's going on there? What's bringing up the
51:48
defensiveness? Why?
51:50
Yet it's there's a difference between feeling like anger,
51:53
righteous anger that motivates you to do something or make a
51:56
change versus a defensiveness that just puts you on garden.
52:01
I've had to learn to like get curious about that.
52:04
Why, why did that set you off so much?
52:07
And my husband's actually great. He's like, why did that set you
52:10
off so much? I feel like, you know, and I
52:12
will do the same for him. Like maybe we need to take a
52:15
closer look at that. But it's a good it's a good
52:18
practice to have in place to step back and and keeps again,
52:22
keeps you humble, keeps you learning, keeps you aware of
52:26
we're in process. There's two, there's two sides
52:29
to everything in the other side is sometimes the reason that we
52:33
get defensive where all this stuff comes up for us is someone
52:36
is either projecting us or they're trying to like suck our
52:39
energy out or dump in our energy, feel a lot of negativity
52:42
because our boundaries aren't strong enough.
52:45
And so that might be like that might be like I need to remove
52:48
myself from this situation. I need to be recalibrate myself
52:51
to love. And so it doesn't always have to
52:53
be that we're triggered. I mean, we could be triggered in
52:56
that process because it feels like, you know, crap, but it not
53:00
necessarily within us except that we didn't allow our
53:05
boundaries to drop. Yeah.
53:06
That's a very good point. That's a very good point.
53:09
Thank you for that. That was really.
53:10
Yeah, that was very intuitive. All right, we are down.
53:14
We're wrapping up here. Name 5 activities that nourish
53:19
you. Five.
53:22
Well, yoga definitely nourishes me.
53:25
I love going up to the Hot Springs and in Colorado there's
53:29
some wonderful ones in the mountains.
53:30
My son, his wife and my grandson went up there over New Year's
53:35
Eve and Oh my God, it's wonderful.
53:37
I love being up high for some reason, just like, and even
53:41
with, you know it when it's a little bit warm around, just
53:44
just taking some time and just saying, OK, I've had it and just
53:46
taking a ride up the mountains and wherever I get to, I get to,
53:49
I get out. There's always the Colorado
53:51
River coming down somewhere you can just be around.
53:54
And there's something about being at a higher altitude that
53:57
just does something for me. So I love being out in nature
54:01
and connecting with her. So that's that's a big thing.
54:04
How many do I have to come up with a yoga and nature and
54:08
there's and I guess music, you know, there's a lot of times
54:12
music just or, or just watching some of that just sing something
54:16
so beautifully in a way that it just really touches your heart.
54:19
Yeah, that, that's, that's one thing that really helps me.
54:24
I'm not, I guess I'm getting a getting a little bit of a
54:26
wallet. I guess we're just taking care
54:27
of myself. You know, I've had to modify my
54:30
diet in recent years to stay healthy.
54:34
And. Yeah, and being the people that
54:38
I love is always is always helpful.
54:40
Yeah, yeah. I'm being surrounded by the
54:42
people you love and the community and that that's good
54:45
for our health. I don't think we give enough
54:47
credit to what that does for our health, for our the good, the
54:52
serotonin hormones and all those good things that it brings up in
54:55
us. Thank you so much for that.
54:57
And five words on how you hope to feel the next six months. 5
55:06
words. Joyful in calm assurance.
55:15
Like peaceful, not just regular peace, but like that peace that
55:19
is beyond all experience, you know, and just like, and like
55:27
harmony, like harmonizing things inside of myself, you know, So
55:31
they're not fighting anymore. Yeah, many words.
55:36
Is that 3/4? What was the last one?
55:40
Be a contentment is just coming up.
55:43
Just because we have that, it's a choice to be content with
55:46
where we're at and what we have and not look outside of
55:48
ourselves that I want this, sorry, want that, or, you know,
55:51
someone else has blah, blah, blah.
55:53
Just to be really content. Yeah, it is.
55:56
I think that's a real gift. I think so too.
55:59
Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you so much for those,
56:01
Arlene. Tell people where they can find
56:04
you, follow you how they can work with you.
56:06
This will all be on our website at embracinglayers.com on our
56:10
resources page. Don't worry, listeners, but
56:13
share with us right now and, and all the ways that people can
56:17
work with you because I can. I just know from talking to you,
56:20
you've got so many tools and resources that can be so many
56:23
help, so helpful, so many of our listeners.
56:26
Yeah, So you can find me at my website, Jewel JEWEL like the
56:30
like the Diamond consultancy.com Ioffer coaching, mentoring and
56:36
within mentoring, Ioffer Soul readings, which is where I work
56:38
with cards and I do it online as well as in person.
56:43
But it's another way of of heart connecting with people to know
56:46
what obstacles are there, what challenges are there, what
56:49
opportunities are there. And I just find this a really
56:53
hard expanding experience, especially for adults, you know,
56:55
because the visuals there, the auditories there, the hard stuff
56:58
is there. So those three things are what
57:01
Ioffer in terms of services on my website.
57:03
I also have some really cool videos that are free about
57:06
leadership and about being calm and centered.
57:09
And I have a, a very large blog where you can get answers to a
57:12
whole lot of stuff if you Google Arlene Cohen Miller.
57:17
Cohen is my middle name. You, I'm the only person that
57:22
comes up. There's a lot of Arlene Miller.
57:24
There's only one Arlene Cohen Miller.
57:26
So you'll find all the different places that I am on the
57:29
Internet. And if that resonates with you,
57:31
great. And you can always contact me,
57:34
I'm happy to hear from you. Oh, great.
57:36
All right, thank you so much for that and thank you so much for
57:39
your time today. I've enjoyed this conversation
57:42
and and just all that you have learned that again, I I'm just
57:46
going to think of you as confident.
57:48
Humility is the is the phrasing that comes and I think that's
57:51
such a beautiful combination. So thank you for how you show up
57:55
in the world and how you help others too in your heart for
57:58
others to have these tools and resources as well.
58:00
I think it's so important that when we you approach it in such
58:04
an empowering way, and that's so important, it enables other
58:09
people to have this within themselves as well.
58:13
And it just creates more peace and contentment.
58:15
And heaven knows, we could all use more of that.
58:21
Oh my gosh. But thank you so much for your
58:23
time today. Thank you.
58:26
You bet listeners, these resources are available to you
58:30
find some peace and contentment in yourself this week sit there
58:34
and be mindful take a pause listen to what you take those
58:39
blinders off. We can get going down the road.
58:41
We get going on our To Do List and all the the busy things that
58:45
we have going on in our lives. Take a moment and, and just give
58:49
yourself some chance to breathe and open up to, to all the
58:53
different things that might be there for you.
58:54
And just even just sit in the column.
58:57
Just give yourself time and to reset and, and recalibrate.
59:01
But we appreciate you being here with us today.
59:04
Take good care of yourselves and have a great week.