Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Is Sex A Need Or A Want?

Transcript

Is Sex A Need Or A Want? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
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  Today, we're going to be talking about whether sex is a need or a
• 0:11
  want. I addressed this in a video that
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  was popular and hopefully you follow me on Tick-Tock, on
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  Facebook on Instagram on YouTube wherever there's like four
• 0:21
  options to see my videos, which often, you know, are what I
• 0:26
  later do as a podcast because I do them on the same day.
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  The podcast come out later. So if you want to really get the
• 0:33
  scoop on, what's coming down the pike, Or if you're just a video,
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  kind of person you should be following me on social media.
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  And please do subscribe to have a lot of great subscriber
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  episodes. Most recently it was about
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  generalization and when people say, all men are one-way, are
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  all women are another way, how does this help you to form
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  Intimate Relationships? It doesn't spoiler.
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  It hurts your ability to engage meaningfully with the opposite
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  sex. So, getting to the topic at
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  hand, it's sex, a need or a want.
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  So a Two times people will say the lower libido partner in
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  couples counseling will say well he says that he needs sex but
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  sex isn't a need sex isn't like food on water.
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  It's dramatic, he's being dramatic, you know?
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  And it isn't a need and if anything maybe having an orgasm
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  maybe as a need, maybe physical release, which he could
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  certainly do with masturbating so I don't really understand.
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  I'm very stressed out. I have a million things to do,
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  what don't feel well a lot of the time and so this is Not a
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  need, it's just a want. And you know what, I want a lot
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  of things I don't have also that's called being a grown-up
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  and that is what it is. Does that sound familiar?
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  If so then you're likely in that sort of dynamic.
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  So here's the thing though, people will like do that whole
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  thing. Sounds pretty good.
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  You know, it sounds like it makes sense philosophically and
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  everything then like later and some session, they'll be like,
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  you know what, I really need my morning coffee or we really need
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  a bigger house or I really need to get this.
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  Asian perfect for my job or we really need to put the kids to
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  bed at 8:30 instead of 8:45 or whatever, right?
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  I like I'm not judging any of that shit, right?
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  Like, I feel like I need to have my smoothie every day in the
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  morning, like, but nobody really needs any of that shit.
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  Those are called first world problems.
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  So, unless you are truly struggling to obtain food, water
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  or shelter, then we are not on the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy
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  anymore and probably, Neither you need anything that you don't
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  have in any sort of Survivor type of sets, you know?
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  Like you could survive most most people can survive like the for
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  sure. You know like there's there's
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  absolutely no possibility that at any moment you're going to
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  starve or you're going to die of thirst or you're going to be
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  exposed to the elements and, you know, died of hypothermia,
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  people are doing their Zoom sessions from really lovely
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  houses. Everything's going well in those
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  domains. So basically at that point, your
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  life becomes about want, you know, and you want, let's say to
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  read to your children every night.
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  You certainly don't need to you, you would quickly change your
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  priorities. If your children were hungry,
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  your ass would not be reading to them.
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  It will be trying to find them food, right?
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  So, basically, we live in a world most people that are
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  listening to this, or listening to it on their devices or on
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  their computers and therefore definitionally have disposable
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  income and so know. Nobody is is out, you know,
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  surviving in the wild. So therefore this is kind of
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  just another way to be diminishing and dismissive about
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  what makes somebody tick and what they really need.
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  Yes. Need in an intimate relationship
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  to be happy so they don't need it to survive.
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  The people live long lives and sexless marriages.
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  Long unhappy lives in sexless marriages.
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  They're not going to die. You're right.
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  You're 100% right. Your It's not going to die.
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  If you don't have sex with him no way he going to live you
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  definitely going to live but he's going to be really unhappy,
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  you know? And just as you would be unhappy
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  if you had to live in a bare-bones hut of some sort with
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  no internet and and barely any electricity.
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  No running water. Would you survive?
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  Sure. You would survive.
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  Would you be happy now? So what we want to do is to get
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  to a place where people enjoy their lives.
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  So if you have ever said, you need anything that You don't
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  need like food and water. Then you could certainly
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  understand what your partner, often the man.
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  And his situation says, when they say that they need sex or
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  they're barely have the confidence to say that anymore.
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  They'll barely even ever say that, but some few Valiant ones,
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  still do call it a need and and then they get shit on for it and
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  so I'm trying to explain that. Yeah, it's a need just like
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  having a romantic date is a need just like, like women will very
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  much say I To have an emotional connection.
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  But him say I need to have sex is considered bad.
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  That doesn't make any sense. That's very, very biased.
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  It's biased toward the idea that emotions and emotional
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  disclosure is a, is a more basic need than sex, which is truly
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  Preposterous. If you look at it because there
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  are species does not perpetuate itself through emotional
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  conversations. So friendship, for example does
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  not perpetuate our species but sex does so.
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  So would you Ever say to somebody, they don't need to
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  have any friends. No.
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  Then you shouldn't say to anybody.
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  They don't need to have sex in marriage because and this is
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  what it's usually predicated on. Sex does not mean ejaculation.
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  It does not mean orgasm. It really doesn't.
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  That is not what perpetuates our species if people thought the
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  perpetuating, our species was done by jacking off.
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  We would have died Millennia ago, right?
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  So it's sex between two people as perpetuated, our species.
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  So even If by now you have the IUD and he has a vasectomy and
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  everybody's all all, you know, fine and the birth control
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  department and thus you cannot perpetuate the species, the
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  drive doesn't go away, it's like old people, right?
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  They they can't be useful in any sort of sense to perpetuate the
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  species but they don't stop getting hungry.
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  You know, like if everything was literally only about
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  perpetuating the species, then after women went through
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  menopause, they would promptly you do just Die.
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  You know, a door stop eating and just like waste away.
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  They don't because everything isn't about that, but we still
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  do have the same drives like hunger like sex like you know,
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  everything like to get into a warm place out of the rain.
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  Like we have all of those drives even if they're not about to
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  kill us, people get hungry even before they are about to starve
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  to death. Obviously all of us get hungry
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  multiple times a day. And nobody listening is on the
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  precipice of starvation. I doubt.
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  Otherwise, please stop listening to the podcast and go find
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  yourself something to eat. So the point is that you want to
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  really look at whether your interactions with a significant
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  other are characterized by various levels of philosophical
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  one-upmanship and telling each other what should be a need or
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  what shouldn't or what is more important on one end and on the
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  other or that one of you? Understands life and is deeper
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  than the other one and one is more shallow, this sort of shit
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  is like you know very very toxic and I talked about this in my
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  marital scorekeeping podcast. So to say to somebody basically
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  like sex isn't a need so therefore you don't need it and
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  I shouldn't have to do anything. I don't want to do is just a way
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  of saying, fuck you. You know, I'm not into this
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  marriage. Your, your opinion is not
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  important to me and I don't really care what you want.
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  So I'm gonna frame it a little bit better.
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  But in reality I'm just saying I don't give a shit, it would be
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  the same as if a guy tried to tell me.
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  Well, it's not a need for me to talk to her when he comes when I
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  come through the door, that's not in need.
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  So I should just be able to immediately upon coming home
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  from work. I should go to the basement,
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  maybe put on a game, maybe put on some porn, she could leave
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  dinner by the stairs and I did my duty, I provided for the
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  family. I made money goes right into her
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  account. So therefore, what does she need
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  to talk to me for I would say, what kind of asshole are you?
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  You know, like, of course, she needs to talk to you in a
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  relationship and whether that's need or want is is immaterial
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  because it feels so bad when she doesn't get to talk to you and
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  you just hide out in your cave that it feels like a need things
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  are very subjective. If your basic needs are met,
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  then the other needs become more Salient, which is the entire
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  point of Maslow's hierarchy. You can Google.
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  If anybody doesn't know that pyramid shape Maslow's hierarchy
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  of needs, then Google it, right? But the point is, that woman
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  needs to feel like she's talking to her husband.
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  And the man who says that sex is a need needs to feel physically
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  and intimately connected with his wife.
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  So that feels like a need like for a baby, it really isn't need
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  to be touched babies have failure to thrive in orphanages
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  in places where they don't get touched and they don't get
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  interacted with you know, and so on baby.
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  Needs to be held. And similarly, adults need to be
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  held the ones that remain wanting to be held.
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  Still feel it as a need, the same as a baby does.
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  They just are wired to still feel like that, you know, and it
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  would be a much interest much more interesting way to think
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  about it is kind of what has happened to the other people
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  that don't have a touch need frequently.
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  There's a trauma history. And I don't mean it like just it
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  has to be physical or sexual trauma like abuse.
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  But there can be like a lot of kind of being pushed away.
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  So more avoided people that don't have the need for touch.
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  What diverted them from having that?
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  You know, frequently. It's an upbringing in which they
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  were constantly told go play Go deal with your own stuff.
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  I'm busy go away, go away, go away.
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  So they learn to stop having the need for touch that maybe they
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  had as a baby, you know, so a lot so.
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  So while of course, there's a normal distribution of anything
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  and sensory issues on all Sorts of stuff.
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  There are some people that would have had a physical touch need,
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  you know, but they just didn't have parents who could give that
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  to them and so they learn to like, completely deny it.
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  And then, when a partner has it, they are mad because on some
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  deep level, they wish that they could ask for their physical
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  needs to be met or there needs to be closed and the camp, and
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  they were basically told that they couldn't all throughout
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  their lives. Until they started to believe
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  that, every man is an island and everybody should look out for
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  themselves. And this is The underlying a lot
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  of the animosity in these situations is that the partner
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  that says, listen sex isn't a need calm down.
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  Go take care of yourself, be a grown up.
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  They've been told all of those same things themselves through
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  our childhood. You know, they were basically
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  told you're not allowed to have any needs, go take care of your
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  own shit. I'm busy, I have enough on my
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  plate, whether implicitly or explicitly.
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  So then later in life when a partner asks for their needs to
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  be mad. They get very He enraged without
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  knowing why, you know, they're like why why does this person
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  have the audacity, you know, have the selfishness to ask for
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  their needs to be met? I knew from the time I was four
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  years old. I my needs wouldn't get met what
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  happened to this person. That there's such a big baby and
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  they still think that there needs should be met.
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  So that's like a lot of what goes on with more avoidant?
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  Spouses is they've been trained to deny their own needs because
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  their needs were taught to be bad and not meetable.
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  Parents who may have had good intentions, but had their own
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  problems to deal with that. Led them to be emotionally
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  unavailable to their kids. And, of course, in some
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  situations there is outright abuse and neglect and trauma.
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  But either way, you know, if you're in this situation where
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  sex isn't a need, you know, you really have to make it clear to
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  your spouse. That nothing they want is a need
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  either and that marriage is not an episode of Survivor and there
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  and you also wouldn't say to your kids.
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  Well, you don't really need to eat three times a day.
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  Day because you would survive eating one time a day.
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  Look at those kids, you know, that are starving in a different
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  country. You think they eat three meals a
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  day? No, and they're alive.
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  So you would never say that. You know, when you wouldn't say
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  to each other about, even something as truly extra as,
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  like going to the gym, five days a week or something, you know,
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  like nobody would barely ever say to their spouse.
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  Go to the gym one day less per week, please because that would
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  be thought to be a basic need for physical fitness yet.
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  Sex isn't Doesn't make any sense.
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  So it always speaks to deeper underlying issues about what
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  need means. And one person's discomfort with
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  the idea of meat at all is is usually a major player in these
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  arguments. And this is again a great thing
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  to discuss in couples counseling.
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  If there is this rhetoric around, whether sex is a need or
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  a want and discomfort around needs in general.
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  Then this is a wonderful thing to discuss in couples
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  counseling. This can be very very
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  productive. Views of time because different
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  philosophies on these matters can really lead to a lot of
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  problems and can be, you know, potentially an area where you
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  could grow closer and get to some sort of Middle Ground.
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  Particularly if the person who is averse to any needs goes to
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  individual counseling and works through unresolved issues from
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  childhood where they were taught to disavow any needs, because
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  that is frequently at the root of this, all right?
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  Hopefully you found this useful, please do subscribe, if any of
• 14:03
  when I say avoid and I'm preoccupied and things go back
• 14:07
  to my original podcast on attachment style.
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  That could be very useful for an overview.
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  If sometimes you feel like you missed a lesson, well, some of
• 14:16
  the lessons are earlier on, so the attachment style one was
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  earlier on, all right, I'll talk to you soon.
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  Have a great day, guys.