Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 43 From Controlling My Body to Trusting It: Alison’s Story
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: What if trying to feel safe is actually keeping you stuck? We can spend so much of our lives trying to control things our bodies, our food, our appearance, our choices, even our thoughts. Because we believe that if we can just get it right, we'll finally feel okay. But what happens when you start to question that? In today's episode, I'm talking with Alison, a former client of mine who has spent much of her life struggling with an eating disorder. And while her story is very specifically about eating disorder recovery, What I think is most interesting about it is much bigger than that. It's about what happens when you stop trying to think and control your way into safety and start learning to trust yourself instead. We talk about what that actually looked like for her, learning to question thoughts that felt completely true, experimenting with letting go of control, making room for pleasure and rest, and discovering that she didn't need to have all the answers before she could live her life. And I think there's something here for anyone who's ever felt like If I could just figure this out, then I'd finally be okay. Maybe you don't need to figure it all out. Maybe you can live your way into the answer. Let's get into it. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right, and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural worth, and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Welcome, Alison. I'm so happy to have you on the podcast. Hi, Christina. Thank you so much for having me. I thought it would be helpful to hear from someone who I worked with personally who has struggled with an eating disorder. And when we started working together, you were in the height of some eating disorder behaviors that you didn't really necessarily realize had become so full-blown. Yeah. I was noticing a lot more anxiety. ⁓ in my life, which didn't seem unusual because it was the height of the pandemic and everyone felt very anxious. There were a lot of anxious people even within my own household and my world just suddenly got very small like everyone else's. So it was really hard to gauge how out of control things were. internally when externally everything was just kind of off the rails. And what I noticed was my anxiety was really pushing my values out of perspective. I wasn't able to be present and supportive of my husband. I was obsessed with exercise like all the time. I was worried about things that actually didn't feel as important as as they really as the other things were. And to be honest, I I think there was a gradual increase in that anxiety and the slow, steady relapse of my eating disorder for a few years before that. But the pandemic certainly accelerated what might have happened anyway, which was that ultimate relapse. What happened was I was listening to a lot of different podcasts and reading literature on how's that resize. And I heard your interview and I had this visceral reaction to the part where you were walking the hosts through work of Byron Cady and using it to address the limiting beliefs around eating disorder related fears and thoughts. And so it led me to look you up and I was like, well, I definitely need some canceling. So let's let's give this a try. And it was a bit of a ⁓ shock when after a few sessions it became obvious and and you very rightly pointed out, like, this isn't just anxiety. This isn't just some troubles coping with the the state of the world. This is a full relapse. And we need to take this really seriously. And I mean, that was super humbling. What was it do you think that helped you find that stable ground to be able to continue to move forward? Well, the treatment I I went to was really, really helpful for that. It was an outpatient program through Vancouver Coastal Health because I admittedly I don't think I was willing to be hospitalized again. After many hospitalizations in my past. And especially during a pandemic, I did not want to be in a hospital. And ⁓ but the outpatient treatment was was fantastic in that it did, it provided me with some other tools. It sounds too simple, honestly, to say that, because ⁓ it just seems like, ⁓ I just picked up a different tool than the one I'd been using. But what it did was put me in the a room virtual at first with a bunch of other Anarchist believers who were struggling and who had very different stories from mine, but similar struggles. And we were together looking at why this is making life so hard and why the thoughts, the thoughts, the underlying beliefs are actually the things we need to tackle. And so the skills that we worked on that were so helpful was that we did some ⁓ distress tolerance DBT, and that was incredible. First of all, because the Purpose of it wasn't to solve the problem. It was to get through it without making it worse. And that doesn't maybe sound huge, but it was a really big game-changing thing for me. And ⁓ and the other one was one-on-one with one of the counselors, I did some leisure therapy, which really focused on something you and I had talked a lot about, which was permitting pleasure, using pleasure and fun and creativity and curiosity to center a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. And that was huge. I I hadn't really given myself space and permission to allow something like pleasure and joy to govern my decisions. It had always been fear. And it always been trying to live up to external expectations, real or made up, and having a structured way to learn about how It was actually okay. And in fact, a really good idea to center pleasure and curiosity and joy in that process was huge. It was really powerful to change my perspective that way and in a lasting way. Well, after going through that treatment process of trying to start to center pleasure and fun and creativity and all that and and use those DBT skills. It was even more apparent that what we had started working on in terms of connecting to body, instead of living in my mind all the time, living in fear all the time, was more essential than ever. But more essential. And while the treatment had been really good in giving me the theory and providing the structure for distress tolerance, DBT. getting some leisure back into my life. It was hard to do a lot of that and to go through those experiences in a meaningful way without connecting to my body, without connecting to what I was feeling. Because if I can't sense what's pleasurable or what's joyful, then how how do I even do that? And so it was clear I was still very much living in my head where all the sort of fears and eating disorder voices just kind of run rampant, less and less now, but for sure back then. So I went back to work we had been doing, which had been so powerful in terms of aligning head and heart, trusting my body as a source of wisdom, potentially beyond what my mind knows. And so I just was so thirsty for that. I was like, this is what I need. Like I'm so tired of using my head to figure out everything when actually maybe my body has it covered. Maybe my body connected with some universal energy just knows, you know, the way. And I had seen that to be true. And despite all of my fears to the contrary in some of the initial work we did together. So of course like I wanted to go right back to that. I needed more of that. And in addition to working with you, I was doing occasional body work with a really lovely person I met who that was her main focus was was meditative, like spending up to like two hours just like in my body, like talking about, ⁓ right now I feel tension in my chest right now. I feel energized in my right leg for some reason. You know, we would talk through a lot of that. And so it was really a guided number of sessions spent in my body, the place that I had been trying to escape and like leave behind for most of my life. So a lot of anxiety, a lot of discomfort, a lot of like my head doubting every single part of it. But it was very, very helpful. And so what was coming up in that was there were a lot of roadblocks. And a lot of really loud thoughts about why this wasn't gonna work, why this was foolish, why the brain is the director. And that's where a lot of our work came in because we could sit together and we would challenge these limiting beliefs around my body is like just trying to let me down. My body is leading me the wrong way. Just because this feels good, that's just like being irresponsible to respond to it that way. So it was a really good match doing that. just I just dove headlong into the work we were doing. I was fortunate enough to be working from home at the time. You know, I could make our appointments. And then if I needed to cry in a fetal position for a long time after to to process to like be in my body. Yeah. I was fortunate enough to do that. And then yeah, on top of that, it was it was meeting with the dietitian and remaining accountable to her. And I had a lot of support from the 12 step fellowship I'd been a part of for a long time, Anorexics and Blemics Anonymous. It was a full time job, this this recovery. ⁓ but I'm so glad that, you know, I could do that. And so in the work that we were doing together, what did you find made the biggest shift for you? I'd say two major things. There were many things, but two major things. The first being centering my body as as the source of wisdom and making it okay to be there, learning how to be there. Like you sat with me and encouraged me to like go there. And supported me through everything that came up as that happened. So this was really powerful. And it was something I could take away and and do on my own, but certainly felt more safe to do so with someone sort of there, virtually holding my hand and guiding me through it. And at every moment we were questioning the beliefs that came up. And so that was the second part. The second thing that was so powerful that I had never done before was this very structured work, the work of Byron Katie to challenge the thoughts that were coming up, challenge the really, really deep-seated beliefs that had been holding me back from just living life joyfully, living life by curiosity, following my creative path. Like it was so, so instrumental to pick apart even the smallest limiting belief around what was okay to eat, when was okay to eat, what exercise was for, so many things, all the way up to like, I'm unlovable. I'm not good enough. I'm only gonna let people down, the big ones, you know? We we tackled so much. And to be able to do that, not just in our sessions, but to do that work every single night before bed, write to you about it, connect about it between sessions. That that was everything. I really admired that about you is it takes a lot of courage to question these beliefs because they feel so true. They feel so near and dear. And We're afraid of who am I if I don't have this belief? Because it feels like a part of our identity. We think that it's who we are. When you question that belief, you're shedding the false you to return more to who you really are, to what's actually true. The false belief is creating the suffering and the limitation. And so you did that. You did it every day. And that really started to shake loose the rigidity of the belief system. I find with an eating disorder mind, because it is just a mind, it's it's a habitual way of thinking, can be very rigid and very like hard. And so it took going every day and kind of chipping away and chipping away to really create some wiggle room in that rigidity to where you could then feel that freedom. It was essential to do it bit by bit. Because it took a lot, just tiny little increments of like, ⁓ my gosh, the world didn't come crashing down. ⁓ my gosh, that was okay. ⁓ my gosh, all the snacks we ate on camera to like be like, nothing crazy's gonna happen. And if it does, we're in it together. It was it was little bit by little bit giving me that experience that actually this is inviting joy, inviting peace. Can I ask you a quick favor? If this conversation is resonating with you. Would you take a minute to leave a review for the podcast? It helps more women find these conversations, but even more than that, every time I read a review, it reminds me why this work matters. If this episode is helping you, you could even just write, this podcast helped me feel more at peace in my body. I'd love to read it. And it might just help another woman know that feeling good in her body is possible too. So now it's been years later. Out of that work that we did, what is sticking with you now? Like what shifted do you think on more of a foundational level that you just can't see the same way anymore? I mean, now that I've seen that my body actually knows a lot more than I think it does, I can't unsee that. It's which is a gift, you know. Is it as powerful every single day? No, there's there's lots of days where being in my body is being human, so it's uncomfortable. And I struggle to try and understand what it has to say. And I sometimes have a shorter amount of patience to do that. But my desire to do that, my desire to check in first, as opposed to letting my mind go crazy and and reel around all the different variables and things I think I know, that's still stronger than ever. so freeing to be like, okay, ⁓ my God, my brain does not have to be the The one figuring this out. It wants to. It's always trying. But to this day, it's like, it's it's a relief to be like, okay, no, I need to think about what my heart wants. I need to think about my body's feeling about this. I'm in the middle of a lot of like career things at the moment. And even just the amount that my brain just wants to fix it and figure it out is exhausting. So the quiet times when I'm able to sink into my body and be like, how does each option feel? Like, what does this feel like? And then also to be able to say, this body's gonna support me no matter what the outcome is. That's been really powerful. In the past, it was like I need to control my body and like shoehorn it in to what my brain thinks is the way to go. And a lot of the times it would also then require me to deal with anxiety related to that through things like exercise and starvation. So I was really, really, really stifling what is truly the source of my life. my soul and and my energy. So to this day it it it's a constant practice. And I I can't say I do it perfectly, but to to to honor that, to connect with that and be like, please you direct me. And you know, what do you want today? What feels good? Are you not feeling good right now? What do you need? What can I do for you? I remember that numerous times in a session where we'd have to practice that, being like, just ask your body what does it need? Don't figure it out. Ask your body what it needs if it doesn't have an answer right away. You might be frustrated, but just give it time. So yeah, patience I'm learning, the sort of surrender and acceptance I'm learning. And it's netted a lot of incredible gifts. Like I've, you know, probably taken a few leaps that I wouldn't have, you know, just listening not to my brain, but to my body. And the results have sometimes been hard, but I've been supported through it, which, you know, is is such a gift. Before it was like, what was support? It was anxiety. It was running. It was starving. It was obsessing about my body size. Now it's, you know what, like what can I do to be kind to myself? It sounds so like airy fairy, but it actually works. It's actually so life affirming. Yeah, that's beautiful. And so what else has opened up for you in terms of what's different with your eating and your movement? And just life, you know, like what you wouldn't allow yourself to do before that you're allowing yourself to do now. I mean rest. Rest is a big one. And again, I'm not great at it, but I'm getting there. It's much more permissible thanks to this work and seeing the benefits of it for sure. Recognizing that, you know, slowing down and and taking time has actually made things clearer as opposed to trying to run around and figure it out. That's that's huge. So I'm trying to practice that more. ⁓ the meditation that we worked on so much together. I wish I could say I was doing it as often as we used to, but it's still so powerful when I do it. In fact, I'll yeah, I'll commit to doing going back to doing it more because it is it's so powerful. And I can't I can't expect to like hear anything from my body if I don't make space to hear it. I mean, it it's good at getting my attention when it really needs to. So it like pain is. But like, yeah, to actually give it space to tell me what it needs, that's being huge. So so I try and do that more. And yeah, food and exercise look so different. I can't believe the spontaneity I have now, the freedom to just be like, ⁓ my God, of course we can grab beers after work or, you know, we can grab an ice cream on a sunny day. And some days, yeah, I have to check in and be reminded that like my body's got this. And the the like twisted warning signs. still pop up. Being surrounded by the like living evidence that life is better this way, just listening to my body and trusting, trusting what it says, those voices just aren't as loud anymore. There's a lot countering it. And so yeah, food is so different. It's about supporting the things I want to be doing. And, you know, exercise is just to feel good. It's, it's wild. Like I can stop this walk. Or this run or this yoga practice anytime if it just doesn't feel good anymore. Like even just stopping something and not finishing it, that never used to happen. It was like finish everything. What are you finding is the thing you go back to now consistently to keep you in more of that expansive space versus listening to the voice of the eating disorder? A lot of it's grounded in the experience since, you know, working together. Of like, no, actually living this way is better. You know, it I mean, the eating disorder voice can be very convincing. That like, ⁓ my gosh, this would be a lot better if you lost weight, or like people would respect you more, or like maybe you're gonna fail at this, but at least you're small, you know? But I've had too much evidence at this point to the contrary. Although I do realize there are times where like bringing that to mind with enough force to you know, do something different from what the eating disorder wants is really challenging. And so I have a lot of so I have a lot of support to this day that I can reach out to that when I can't hold those truths for myself, like they're holding them. They're right there. And they remind me everyone from my husband, ⁓ the people in that twelve step fellowship to friends, the same woman who was helping me with the body connection work. And yeah, it I'm so, so, so fortunate to have so much support. So many people holding my hand through this process. And yeah, and my body. Going back to that has been really, really just essential. It's such a change to feel like my body's the answer as opposed to the problem. And honestly, the work is always there too. Right. I think, you know, what you were touching on earlier is if not this way of life, then what? Well, the work answers that in the turnaround, right? You're talking about. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, because with the turnaround at the end, which often was the most challenging part that you helped me with, the turnaround at the end, considering could the opposite be true? And there were in many instances, there were several versions of what the opposite might be. And realizing, like trying those on, those opposite scenarios and realizing actually like maybe that is true. What would that feel like to actually be true? Like I still do that. To this day, because a lot of the times those fears do creep in and it's like, well, like how real is this? And and I can feel, like you said, using that tension and that discomfort as a sign that something is limiting, something is untrue that I am believing. I mean, without that like physical reaction, it otherwise just lives true in my head. And so to to really tune into that and use that as a prompt to be like, what if the opposite was true? And like maybe it's not, but like the the chance to stop and consider that makes so much space for really feeling like what I need in that moment. Yeah. And like take space away from those eating disorder thoughts. And what I love about specifically the process of the work of Byron Cady is that you're not forcing yourself to try to believe something different. So it's not, okay, let's just now believe the opposite to be true because you can. Say the opposite all day long, but something in you is still resisting it. So that's what I love about this particular inquiry process is that it has to come up genuinely for you. You're not trying to force yourself to believe something that's not true. It's a powerful process. And when it resonates like it did for you, it's a catalyst for change. I think lastly, I'd like to just ask another question. What would you want to share? To someone who is going through an eating disorder, maybe someone who's experienced it for most of their life, what's something you would want to share with them and want them to know? There is another way. And I guess one of the other big things that has made a huge difference for me too is just the idea that not knowing and maybe not having control of every of everything, and even just I don't know. It's okay. Like I don't know, and it's okay. Like that's that's been monumental. And I think that's what helped us and our work together. And then for me since then is, you know, it's okay if I don't know if I don't have an answer. My brain is it's my mind that insists that it needs an answer. And when it's running around doing its crazy thing after that, like maybe my body has a feeling about it. If it doesn't, that's okay. It's maddening sometimes. It's so hard to like live that, but It has been absolutely monumental in terms of like accepting where I'm at, accepting where my body's at, accepting that maybe it's quite impossible to know everything all the time. And actually until I actually go out there and do it and live it, knowing that this body is supporting me through it, no matter what happens, I can't just sit in an armchair and expect to like figure everything out. And that's actually okay. Like that's how we live as humans. That's how we get the most out of life. It's like, I don't know. Let's go live and find out. And if that means, ⁓ let's find out if, you know, ice cream really will just make me lose my mind, like let's have some courage to like try that because if it doesn't, there's this whole world of joy on the outside. And I trust that I can do that with my body. It's it's a really powerful thing to be able to say, I don't know, and that's okay. And again, you made space for that. And I was not willing to believe that prior to to the work we did. So Yeah, I hope everyone who might be struggling with the idea of control might take it from someone who's been there. Like you can let some let some of it go and it'll be okay. Well, thanks so much, Allison, for sharing your experience and the wisdom that is coming through you and that you're practicing living now. And I'm excited to touch face with you in the future to see what what else has unfolded for you. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me, Christina. It's an honor.