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130 // Letting Go of the ADHD Shame When We Fail · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

• 0:00
  What is your go-to response when you fail? When you feel like you've failed
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  at something, do you tell yourself that you are a failure?
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  And do you get caught in that shame spiral?
• 0:13
  Are you tired of feeling like you don't fit in? Like you're not good enough the way you are?
• 0:17
  In this podcast, I will give you the strategies to build God-centered confidence
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  so you can know in your heart that you do belong.
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  You are enough and you are made on purpose and with a purpose. Hey, I'm Kelsey Sprong.
• 0:42
  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
• 0:46
  Kelsey, and today we're going to talk about the importance of letting go of
• 0:50
  ADHD shame when we feel like we've failed. We all fail.
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  All the time. I mean, maybe not all the time, but sometimes we fail.
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  Everybody fails at some point or another.
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  Maybe we show up late. Maybe we don't show up at all.
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  We might say things we regret. We might not say something we wish we would have.
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  We mess up we are human that
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  is normal whether you have a
• 1:18
  creative out-of-the-box adhd type brain
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  or you have a more linear thinking brain it
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  doesn't matter we all make mistakes we all you
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  know quote-unquote fail at something at some time but my question for you today
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  is then what what do you do when you feel like you failed so for me for example
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  i will feel like i've failed when I am dropping my eldest off at school.
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  I have the younger two with me and we're late for school drop-off.
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  I will feel like I've failed.
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  Or for pickup. When my house is an absolute disaster and somebody shows up,
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  sometimes I can feel like I've failed.
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  Now, I'm not saying these are things that are actually failures.
• 2:00
  I'm saying these are things that feel like that for me.
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  Your story will be different. Your situations will be different.
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  I also feel like I failed when I yell at my kids or I say things that are hurtful.
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  Or maybe I say things that are hurtful to my spouse. So in today's episode,
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  I'm going to give you two options.
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  If you can think of another option, that's great. These are the two options
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  I think of when we are faced with feeling like we failed.
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  Option one, which I think a lot of us turn to naturally and that I hope we can get away from.
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  Option one in these situations, we end up beating ourselves up and telling ourselves
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  what horrible human beings we are.
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  We use whatever language it is. You know, maybe we say we're irresponsible,
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  we're lazy, we can never do things right, what's wrong with you, whatever it is.
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  And as you can hear, these are devastating.
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  It's devastating when we say these things to ourselves, and this is going to crush you.
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  But I get it. I struggle with this too. And it has been a work in progress.
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  I'm happy to share that there is hope when we work on this, when we have,
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  you know, kind of some awareness and we can look at ourselves with compassion
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  and curiosity and work on systems and structures and supports that work with our brains.
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  There is hope that we're not going to get stuck in that negative thinking.
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  Because in those situations, I guess the question is, what are we hoping for
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  when we beat ourselves up, that we're going to beat ourselves into submission and change.
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  It doesn't work that way. That's not how it's going to work.
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  That's going to be such a negative spiral.
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  It's better for us to picture the positive outcome of, you know,
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  if we follow through with the things that we want to follow through with,
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  how will that make us feel?
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  What will we experience on that side of things?
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  And then now, what do we need in order to get there?
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  The other option for you, which i'm
• 3:52
  hoping that we can work on practicing more often when you feel like you failed
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  is extending yourself grace compassion and forgiveness so in a situation like
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  this where i look at you know saying something to my kids that's hurtful or
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  to my husband that's hurtful.
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  Is giving myself grace and compassion and forgiveness, also asking for forgiveness from them.
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  But next is when I'm back in a neutral headspace, thinking about the situation
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  as if I were an observer, looking at the situation and saying,
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  okay, what happened here?
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  What led up to this situation?
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  What do I want to do differently next time? And what do I need in order to be
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  able to do things differently next time.
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  Because when we only look at after something's happened and then just beat ourselves
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  up saying, oh, well, I'll punish myself to pay for my mistake.
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  Unfortunately, that's not going to feel good, first of all. And it's not going
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  to get us very far either.
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  We need to give ourselves grace and give ourselves compassion.
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  Beating ourselves up is not going to inspire change. So just as an example here,
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  so sometimes I'm late to school drop off.
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  And sometimes I'm often late to school drop off.
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  And initially, it made me feel like I was failing. Like I was failing as a parent.
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  Like I was going to be judged. People were going to think I was irresponsible.
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  People were going to think I wasn't a good mom. Whatever it was.
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  And so what I want to look at here, so in that example,
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  I had to think about, once I was in a neutral place where I'd say,
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  you know what, it's okay. My kids are safe.
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  I know they are loved. I have shown them love this morning on the way to school,
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  even if we were late. And those are the things that matter.
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  When I was in a better place, I said, what happened leading up to this?
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  So typically for me, it kind of moves backwards. I look at the morning,
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  I say, okay, you know what, I pressed snooze on my alarm a few too many times,
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  or I didn't set an alarm at all.
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  But then I look to the night of sleep the night before and I say,
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  well, it's because I didn't have a good sleep. Why didn't I have a good sleep?
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  Because I spent the evening on my phone. And so sometimes I have to go back
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  several steps to recognize where is this coming from and why is this happening?
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  Is there anything I can do about it?
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  That leads me to the next question. What do I want to happen differently next time in that situation?
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  So for me, I do feel better when I can get my
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  kids to school on time I feel less stressed out I'm less likely
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  to be frustrated with them or snap at them when
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  I'm not in a rush and so what's important about this
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  too is basing it on what matters most
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  so at the end of the day what matters most to me is that quality relationship
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  with my kids if I have done all of the things that I know will be helpful and
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  we're still running late guess what I don't freak out at them anymore because
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  my relationship with them matters so much more to me than being on time for that thing.
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  So I think it's always important to remember what do you value?
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  What are your priorities? At the end of the day, what matters most to you?
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  So when I look at this situation as well, I want to look at with grace and compassion
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  with keeping what matters most as a priority, which is my kids.
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  But part of that for me is recognizing that when I am running late with them,
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  I feel stressed and I feel frustrated.
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  So what can I do in order to improve that? So next I look at what supports do
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  I need in place for that to happen.
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  I need things like quality sleep. I need the kids' lunches to be ready the night before.
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  I need all of their outdoor clothes and shoes and everything to be ready the night before.
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  I need my breakfast already made, otherwise I probably won't eat because I'll
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  be running around. So things like this.
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  Then I look at another question like, is there a system that would help me to achieve this?
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  I've talked about it before, but with meal planning for us, for example,
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  having, you know, our dinners all prepped kind of helps a positive snowball
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  effect of there's less dishes and we have more time to then make lunches and
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  get ready for the next day and things like that.
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  We also do with breakfast where we make them in advance, which reminds me, I need to eat that.
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  But the next thing that I need to look at in these situations
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  is what might get in my way and how am
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  I going to handle that so for me in this situation
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  in particular in the morning sometimes you know the kids have lost something
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  or you know something else happens that's out of my control and in this situation
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  I would say you know what my kids and my relationship with them are more important
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  than being on time in this situation.
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  Now, in other situations, maybe that's going to be a different,
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  you know, maybe when I'm impatient or, you know, yelling at my kids after I've
• 8:53
  had a poor night's sleep, it's the poor night's sleep that got in my way.
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  And so I need to work on my sleep if I want to improve my patience with my kids.
• 9:01
  So it depends on what kind of situation you're looking at here.
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  Another thing I want you to think about, and this is going to prepare you for the future.
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  How are you going to respond if you feel like you failed again?
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  So in the future, say you're frustrated that, you know, you snapped at your
• 9:18
  spouse because you hadn't been honest with them about what you needed initially.
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  And you say, okay, I'm not going to do that anymore. We're going to have honest
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  conversations about what's going on, what we need and things like that.
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  And you kind of plan it all in.
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  What happens when you fail again and you snap at them again?
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  I want you to have a plan because I
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  don't want you to feel like when you've worked on something now it
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  needs to be perfect now you need to never mess
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  up you know never do anything wrong
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  never feel like you fail that's just that's not realistic that's
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  not how it works we are growing and we are learning and honestly part of the
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  struggle with ADHD is that we kind of how do I say this we we need to do the
• 10:02
  same things over and over again sometimes sometimes I'll have a system that's
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  in place and a few weeks down the road,
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  six months down the road, I will forget what system I was using if it's not
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  somewhere visible in my home where I'm going to see it all the time.
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  And guess what? That's okay. Because maybe when I do it that time,
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  I'm going to have a different perspective on it.
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  I'm going to have more information to add to it to help me out.
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  Maybe I'm going to be in a slightly different life stage.
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  So don't beat yourself up when you
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  feel like you have to redo or relearn the same
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  things the point is the direction that
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  we're going in the point is is that i don't want you to be living in that shame
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  of feeling like you know when you're when you're late when you don't show up
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  when you say things you regret when you interrupt when you do something impulsively
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  i don't want you to feel like you are wrong or you are made wrong you're not.
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  And we have so many strengths within our ADHD characteristics.
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  And I want you to be able to focus on those.
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  And then the times where you feel like, you know, you've failed for lack of a better word.
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  I want you to remember that you're human, that we all mess up sometimes.
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  And then also within that, remember, what is it that matters most to you?
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  Is this something that's big and major?
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  Where I look at it, you know, with my kids, if I've said something to my kids
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  that's hurtful, that is important for me to correct that.
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  Because they mean the world to me. My relationship with them means the world to me.
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  And so I am going to go and do my best to make that right.
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  It also means that it's important for me to look at it and work backwards and
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  look at what led up to this. Was I hungry?
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  Was I tired? Did I lack proper support?
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  Was I needing a break before that? Was there something else?
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  Maybe I had talked to a friend or family member that was a really triggering
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  conversation that I hadn't had a chance to process?
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  What is it that led up to it? Because when we just stay in that present moment
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  of I screwed up, I'm going to screw up, I'm going to ruin my kids or I'm going
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  to, you know, ruin whatever it is, we don't learn anything from it.
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  And I want us to be able to look at these things to let go of that shame and that guilt.
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  And then when it's something that really matters, like.
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  I want us to be able to give ourselves grace and compassion and forgiveness,
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  and also grace, compassion, and forgiveness towards others, and then learn from it.
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  But learn from it in such a way where we can provide new systems and new structures.
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  So I look, for example, probably the biggest difference for me in giving me
• 12:38
  more patience with my kids has been working on my sleep.
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  I've been reading a book about sleep and the advice in there when I actually
• 12:46
  follow it has made an incredible difference. And I notice it now.
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  I notice when I have a poor night's sleep, I'm snappy and impatient and I don't like it the next day.
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  But it's important for me to have that awareness and say, hey, you know what?
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  My basic needs are not being taken care of right now. I can't do my best right
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  now. So I need to take care of that first.
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  So I want you to look at that for you as well.
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  Maybe you didn't show up to an event because you completely forgot about it.
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  But could it be possible that you have too much on your plate?
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  Could it be possible that you're overwhelmed or that you're struggling with,
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  you know, perfectionism or you're struggling with people-pleasing and you've
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  said yes to too many things?
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  Let's try to figure out what's behind it when it's something that matters.
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  When it's something for me, and this is one where you can use your own judgment
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  on this, but being late for school drop-off or pickup,
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  for example, pickup is a bigger deal because I don't want my son
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  to be waiting by himself but for drop-off for example I
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  would prefer to be on time because it makes it less stressful and
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  I have a better time with the kids but when I am late
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  it is not the end of the world what is
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  negative within that is if when I'm late I think more about what the principal
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  and the teachers and the school staff are going to think than my relationship
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  with my kids and that's where what I want to encourage you is if you are afraid
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  of failing at something or in this example, you know, being late to something,
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  I want you to remember what matters most in that moment.
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  If you're with your kids, is it that relationship with them or is it your appearance
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  to the people at the school?
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  And I imagine it would be your relationship with your kids just like it is for
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  me. So I think it's important to keep that in perspective.
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  I hope you have found something helpful from today's episode.
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  I hope you were able to let go of some of that shame and recognize we all mess
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  up, we all fail at some point, and then you have a choice within that.
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  Are you going to beat yourself up or are you going to give yourself grace
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  and compassion and forgiveness and then when you're feeling more neutral think
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  about is this something really important to me and something that I want to
• 14:59
  create a better structure and system for don't forget to click that follow button
• 15:04
  thank you so much for taking the time to be with me here today and I look forward
• 15:07
  to the next episode until then god bless.