Latest / Learn to Thrive with ADHD Podcast / Ep 108: Why Consistency Is Unfair with ADHD (And What to Do Instead)

Transcript

Ep 108: Why Consistency Is Unfair with ADHD (And What to Do Instead) · Learn to Thrive with ADHD Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for taking the time to be with me today.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: So can we talk about consistency?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you expect yourself to be consistent?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you struggle with consistency?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think expecting consistency of yourself is unfair, especially if you have ADHD.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to offer you some other ways to think about it and tell you what you can do instead and still get the results that you want.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency is the most oversold advice out there, and it's crushing people with ADHD.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: 100% consistency is an unfair thing to try to live up to, and it just isn't real.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can hear you now.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know someone that's 100% consistent.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you even feel like that's you in some ways.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I've noticed.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: We can do pretty well in things we're interested in, but once the interest fades, so does our consistency.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it feels unfair with ADHD.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains don't run on steady fuel.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: We run on interest and energy, and those rise and fall.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's not failure, that's reality.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: ADHD brains run on dopamine and novelty, not steady motivation.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So inconsistency isn't a personality flaw, it's a part of how we're wired.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency isn't about perfection, it's about freedom.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the definition.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Marked by harmony, regularity, or steady continuity, free from variation or contradiction.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you even want that?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to be free from variation?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: On paper, that sounds great, but in reality, with ADHD, it can feel suffocating.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why this word makes you cringe.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Routine.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know you need it.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You even know that it would help, but the word routine makes your brain itch.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the twist.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: The right routines don't box you in.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: They give you freedom because they take decisions off your plate.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I do with my clients.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I set them up with routines so that they can be mostly consistent.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, mostly consistent is a lot better than they were doing before.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And number two, once you get set in a routine, you don't have to think anymore.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: You just do it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that frees up brain space for the things that you actually want to be thinking about.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: We blame ourselves when we can't stay consistent.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: We feel lazy.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: We carry shame for something that isn't actually our fault.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if consistency feels impossible, here's what actually works.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I believe we get caught up in a comparison trap with other people who don't have the same brain as us.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I said something like this to a client and they said, yes, and they don't want us to see the ways that they aren't consistent so that they look perfect.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the trap.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: We compare our behind the scenes to their highlight reel.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I told her, for most people, I don't think they're trying to look perfect.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: We just only see what they do well and what we are doing poorly.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if consistency is off the table, what do we do instead?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have you stopped wanting things for yourself?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It happens to so many of us.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Either you get too focused on those around you or you tried some things and they didn't work out.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the pain of that made you decide, if I just stop wanting, it doesn't hurt.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, don't worry.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm going to share next prevents that pain from happening.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So sit down with yourself.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you could do anything, if you couldn't fail, if nothing was too big or too costly, I think money or time, what would you want?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: How can you have that to some degree in the next year?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Some version of that thing.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: How can you move that closer?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is step one to making consistency work for you, not against you.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's the least I need to do that still counts?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what's the most?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking minimums and maximums.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Exercise is always an easy example.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll walk for five minutes, minimum, or I'll weight train my whole body, maximum.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or say you're nurturing a relationship.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'll send a text, minimum, or I'll plan a day with them and follow through, maximum.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is how you would avoid the all or nothing thinking and keep moving forward.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: How will you make this a routine in your life?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Where does it fit in easily?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: When is it the easiest for you to do?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like most of us, you run out of mental or physical energy at certain times in the day.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do new or hard stuff at those times.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then practice.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: How many days in a row can you do it?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: How will you track it?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because your brain will lie to you about it.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Here's an example right from my life.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I worked out consistently for more than four weeks.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was off for nearly a week, maybe two.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I legitimately forgot about the four weeks.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And all I could focus on was the time that I was off.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had decided that I was failing at the school and that I'd never get anywhere and I might as well quit.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then I looked at the calendar and I counted the weeks from when I started.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't believe it.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I knew at the end of each week, working out consistently, I would tell my friend, but I couldn't pull that memory up when it would have helped me.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I had a start date and I had an app where I tracked my workouts.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Make your tracking easy and visible because your brain will lie.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time your brain says I'm failing, ask yourself, is that true or is that a lie?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can want to quit and you can even baby quit.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's my version of the tiny quit for a small period of time.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: A baby quit is like hitting pause, pulling back for a short time, but not giving up completely.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But quitting completely is not an option.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's true, what does that mean you might as well do?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Keep trying.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing good that I have done that didn't require a lot of quitting and restarting.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even in my most important relationships with my husband and children, I have versions of quitting and restarting.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some days I just don't want to be a loving wife.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a bad mood.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm exhausted.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe everything he does is irritating that day, even if it's not really his fault.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: On those days, I might baby quit.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I might keep more to myself, not really participate in the relationship, but I'm not getting a divorce, right?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good example there.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it's showing me who I want to be in these relationships.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Never do I come out of a funk like this or an argument and think, yep, that's how I wanted to show up.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I wanted to act.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I learn more about who and how I want to be.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually growth that looks like quitting.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you, every time you quit and restart, you're getting better and better.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're becoming more of who you want to be.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency isn't about never quitting, it's about what you do after you quit.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hesitant to call this failure.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the right word because when you're failing, when you break a streak or when you quit a week or a month, the only real failure is quitting for good.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that usually comes down to how you talk to yourself in those moments.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Decide ahead of time what you will say to yourself when you miss, when you aren't consistent, because that voice will pick you back up or end you.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So what will failure mean to you?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: A dead end or a reset button?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can't fail until you quit.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I just had this happen with something I told my accountability coach I'd be doing.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I like to do a mix of things with my morning check-in with my accountability coach.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I can, I do something for business, family, and fun.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I decided for fun I would go to the pool in the evening.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: First day, I completely forgot I even said I would go.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I tweaked where I was putting those intentions that I was telling her and I put them where they were visible and I couldn't forget.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Second D being, I stayed at our gym office later than I would have, so it couldn't be helped.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have time to go.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Was that a failure or inconsistency?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or was I just learning that the pool on weekdays wasn't realistic for me?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Failure isn't the end.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's just information.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's feedback that helps you adjust and keep going.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's the difference.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Failure tells you what doesn't work.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency is about trying again in a way that does.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself today, where can you show up one more time, even if you've quit before?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency isn't about perfection, it's about trying again and again.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Learn to Thrive with ADHD.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this helpful, would you share it with a friend who might need it?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening on the podcast, leave a quick rating or review wherever you listen to your podcast.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: That helps more people like us find the podcast.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I will see you next week.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your time today and especially your attention.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're anything like me, you love to learn.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, though, we can know what to do, but struggle to put it into action without the right support.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's what private ADHD coaching is for to give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Book a free consultation with me today at www.learn to thrive with ADHD.com backslash services.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to meeting you.