Latest / Health Tech & Wellness Podcast / Why We Say “I’m Fine” When We’re Really Not
Transcript
- John Adams: When you do have somebody that genuinely cares, maybe they don't know you as well, but they genuinely care and they say, Hey, how you doing? you don't have to vomit your entire life story to them, but just be like, you know what? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Can I have a hug? know. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: yeah. I believe that physical touch is a a healer in itself. Sometimes I feel like in my partnership that we've actually spoke about this recently, like when I feel overwhelmed that sometimes a hug is just way much more effective than any words that could ever be spoken. John Adams: Welcome back to another week of the Health Tech and Wellness Podcast. I'm John Adams. Crystal Nevedale: And I'm Crystal Nevidale. John Adams: And just like I said last week at the end of the episode, I kind of want to start this week's episode with a question. The same question that I asked last week, I want all of you listeners to kind of think about, right? Here's the question: How are you doing? Because it's probably one of the most common questions that we ask everybody or we get asked. Almost every single day, right? And it's usually followed by one of the most common answers in the world. Are you ready, Crystal? I'm fine, right? Yeah. It's we all Crystal Nevedale: I'm fine. John Adams: you could be dealing with the biggest thing, right? We could be in the darkest spot in our life. The problem is this sometimes we're anything but fine, and we still say, Yeah, I'm fine. Why, right? So, why do so many of us feel like we have to pretend that we're okay even when we're struggling? I'm not talking about financially, I'm not talking about any just struggling in general, right? You could be struggling mentally, you could be struggling physically, you could be struggling financially, and we're just conditioned to pretend and say, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. One of the biggest things, if you've ever been in a relationship, and you could tell your spouse is having a rough day, right? Your significant other. And you look at them and you say, Hey, you know, is everything okay? Yeah, I'm fine. The most dangerous words in a relationship. Crystal Nevedale: I'm sure you're fine. John Adams: Yeah. So, you know, why do we do that? So today we kind of just want to talk about that, right? You know. That invisible load that we feel that we have to carry. So here's what I want everybody to imagine. Cause I know we kind of everybody probably knows where we're going with this, but here's what I want you to imagine. I want you to imagine that you're all wearing a backpack. Could be, you know, if you think of it when you're in school or you're going, you know, backpacking up a mountain, whatever. We're all carrying a backpack. Not one filled with books or clothing like it was from school, though, but it's filled with every single thing. You're carrying through life. And for some people, again, that backpack could be grief or depression or anxiety. Maybe you're, you know, like Cindy, you know, her mom passed, you know, maybe you're dealing with an aging parent. Maybe, you know, your bills are racking up, you know, the prices of things are going through the roof. Everything's going up, but our income. Maybe it's financial. Maybe you got chronic pain, knee pain, back pain. Maybe you're trying to raise kids and you're wondering, you know, am I doing everything right? There's so many different things that we carry on a regular basis. Maybe it's something that you've never told a single soul and you've carried it for all this time. The truth is this, guys and gals, every single one of us is carrying something right now. Whether you want to admit it or not, I know I am. I'm sure Crystal is. It doesn't have to be this detrimental thing, but you're carrying something. most of us can't even see what's inside of our own backpack. So there's no way that we can see what's inside of yours. And I honestly believe that if I could, we'd probably be a whole lot kinder to everybody. If those backpacks, imaginary backpacks that I'm talking about, if they were all just made of clear material. Like if I don't know if you've been to a concert lately, but if you're a woman and you're going in with a purse, they gotta be clear unless they're real tiny. If they were we were all carrying clear backpacks and we could see all the baggage and garbage that everybody was carrying, I think this would be a lot kinder work. Am I wrong? I think that we could all sympathize a lot better. So why do we all say, I'm fine, when we're clearly not? I think that there's a lot of reasons though, okay, and we can go through a bunch of them. Sometimes, you know, we feel like we we're gonna burden somebody, right? I don't wanna burden this person. I don't wanna put my baggage. I don't wanna take my baggage out of my backpack and put it on this person. we Yeah. No. Interrupt anytime. Crystal Nevedale: I'm gonna interrupt for just a second, but but it's a trust issue too, because you cannot all that you cannot always trust every single person with your pain because some people don't know how to hold your pain. They don't know how to help you through your pain. So that I feel like sometimes that's why our answer is that way until we feel safe enough to not say I'm fine and to actually say what we're we're dealing with. So I think that's an important thing to say too, because we don't want to put our stuff We don't want to a give everybody that key because that's our key that we hold. And then when you hand off that key, sometimes you give it to the wrong person. And then your safe space is no longer safe. So I think that's important to say too. Like I feel like the vulnerability thing of that, like everybody says, be vulnerable, be vulnerable, be vulnerable. But there is a there's a key to that. You can't be vulnerable with everybody. John Adams: Right. One hundred percent. and y you're you you you definitely are one hundred percent correct when it comes to you can't be that way with everybody. So yes, you know, there is certain people in your life. Maybe they seem close to you, but you can't but I'm gonna play devil's advocate again. we've all got, you know, significant others or or even brothers or sisters or whatever. That'll ask that same question. Are are you okay? Yep, yep, I'm fine. That should be somebody you could trust, right? So, yes, Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: don't you can't give it to everybody, right? You can't, we we we did this up we did an episode on that months ago, right? Hold on to your keys, right? You can't give them to everybody, but every now and then you gotta find that person that you truly do trust and you gotta open up sometimes, right? One of these days, and we we were talking off air, one of these days somebody's gonna walk up and be like, John, how you doing? And I'm just gonna unload. you we were talking about it, right? I'm just gonna say you wanna know? You really wanna know? Sit down. Let's let's talk, right? But we Crystal Nevedale: But John Adams: do this. We don't want to look weak is another one, right? Sometimes you you know, last episode I was talking about my father and how I felt that he kind of, you know, when all that happened with him and he went into the nursing home, and you know, this strong guy now was this little feeble guy and it broke me up. So sometimes we'd look at that and that's another thing. I I can't look weak in this moment, you know. Sometimes we're afraid that people just won't understand. Or they're that person that we probably shouldn't give it to because are they gonna use this against me, maybe? sometimes we convince ourselves that other people just have bigger problems than we do. I can't burden them with this, they're already dealing with enough. How do you know? We all carry it different. Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: And if we're being honest, and I hate I hate I hate that I feel like I'm this eighty year old man harping on this thing. But social media Isn't helping this at all. We Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: scroll through highlight reels and we scroll through pictures and posts and you know, just all kinds of stuff, vacations. And we're constantly, you know, seeing that, man, everybody else is having it great but me. So I guess I just have to be okay to. No. We're we're compressing it and we're putting all that in and we're holding on to it. Sometimes you just need to talk and you need to just let it out. It's easy to start believing that everybody else has it figured out. But I'll be honest, we do this podcast. I promise you I don't have it all figured out. I make more mistakes, Crystal Nevedale: Nobody has it all figured out. John Adams: do and I catch more of my mistakes now, but I still make more mistakes than I'll ever want to admit to you. We all, none of us are perfect, right? And everybody's carrying something. So When the next person that walks up to you and says How you doing? Share it, right? I get it. Sometimes it might feel a little too personal. Maybe it's something that you don't want to share with the opposite sex or with somebody that you don't really, you know, have that relationship with. Sure, I understand. I'm sure somewhere in your lives you have somebody that you can talk openly with, right? I personally, and I'm I'm gonna, you know, I've told this story before on here, and I'm not gonna tell the whole story again. But if you ever want to go back and look at it, I've got a little clip of it. You can find it on YouTube or on the podcast. But that gentleman that got in my car, I was living in depression for 20 some years of my life after I fell from the train. And the guy got in my car that was blind and literally, you know, verbally smacked me in the back of the head. The man had never seen his beautiful home, he'd never seen his wife. He'd Never even seen the company that he owns. He's never seen a thing. The man was living an amazing life. And I was just living in depression and not wanting to talk to anybody and just poor John, you know. Talking to him, opening up, hearing his story, talking about my story, it was one of the best experiences of my life. And it's it truly was one of the life-saving moments for me because I was carrying that so long, thinking, you know, you know, pity party John. And by having that experience and speaking with him, it was able to help me, right? And I didn't have to pretend. in front of other people that I'm okay anymore. I could, you know, hey, I'm dealing with this. How do I work on this? This guy's dealing with a lot worse and he's thriving. So how do I, how do I get to there? How do I Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: get out of this? So instead of walking around, you know, there used to be a depression medicine commercial where everybody's walking around with a little smiley face holding it up, throw that away. Open up to people, right? For those 20 years, I walked around with a smile. I in front of everybody, yeah, I'm a happy, jolly, you know, fat man with knees that are killing me and my back killing me. But inside I wasn't. My health was, you know, dwindling. My blood pressure was through the roof. Most people only were able to see what was happening to me on the outside. didn't see what was happening on the inside, but I wouldn't share it, not even to Cindy. And that's those other moments where I'm talking about where somebody will walk up, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. No, my there was days when my chest, I mean, felt like it was on fire, like somebody was sitting on it. Like I was not only emotionally and and mentally dying, I was physically dying. And I look back now, it wasn't failure. It was the beginning kind of of my healing when that guy got in my car. But had that moment not happened, do I think I would be here today? No. So we got to really start thinking to ourselves, when people are asking, sometimes it's like breathing, okay, I get it. Some people are just gonna, hey, how you doing? They don't mean it. But there's truly people in your lives who can see you for you. Who know the old John or know the old Crystal and they'll see you and say, Hey, are you okay? Crystal Nevedale: You know, I was thinking John Adams: Let have. Crystal Nevedale: too, it's it would be interesting too that if maybe someone comes up to you that you're not close to and they say, How are you? And if that sparks something inside of you that you do need to let out, then maybe the next step would be to call somebody who you do trust and say, you know, like I've just been having these feelings, blah, blah, blah, and and reach out to somebody. Maybe that person asking you that question. is just to get you on the right track to get to the right person to talk about what's going on with you. You know, I mean that that's John Adams: Yep. Crystal Nevedale: a really I mean that's kind of could really be it too for us. I mean that might be all we need is a a person that we trust on the end of the other line, you know? But that person asking, John Adams: Yeah. And and Crystal Nevedale: had they not asked it may not have hit us that way. You know? John Adams: You you hit it right on the head. The person that you open up to the first time, they don't have to solve all your problems. Even the person that you trust that you talk to later is not going to solve all your problems. But there's a starting point. Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: And the guy that was in my car, the blind man, that was a starting point. I didn't know him from Adam, but his story impressed me enough to say, Yeah, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I mean, I and I did. I told him, I said, Man, I said, that really, you really Verbally smacked me in the back of the head and thank you so much. Because I was in this dark space and I told him everything. I mean, I verbally, and I hate I apologize, trigger word. I verbally vomited on the guy because it gave me an opportunity to go, wow, you know, I've been dealing with this for so long. And this Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: is why I do. I and you know, people go, Well, you know, going to a therapist or talking to, you know, psychologist. that's no, that's for quitters. No, it's not. Sometimes you need that. You know, you might not feel like you have anybody in your life you can talk to about it. Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: But you you get that moment where it sparks that. Somebody looks at you and you don't know them like you just said. But it opens that up. Yeah, you know what? I probably should. Then call. There's Call. Call a psychiatrist. Call your closest friend. Call somebody. We're all carrying something. And I'm not saying we're all carrying, you know, heavy, heavy, heavy things, but we're all carrying something, right? We're not all fine 100% of the time. Even in your best time, I bet you there's something that you could vent about. Get it out of your mind. Stop carrying it around. Lay it down. Put that baggage down. And I guarantee your day will be so much lighter. Just because you talked about it. Got it out of your head. Anything from you before I keep rambling on? Crystal Nevedale: No, I was enjoying John Adams: Ha ha Crystal Nevedale: the ramble. John Adams: So I'll I'll just kinda ask you then, you know, ha have you ever had times in your life when you felt like you had to pretend that everything was okay? Like somebody would Crystal Nevedale: course. John Adams: come up to you? Crystal Nevedale: Of course, a million times. More than I can count. Because I'm very selective and and part of who I am and what I do is important because my energy is important for what I do, you know. So I try to really I try to keep it under so I'll just give you example. If I'm having a bad day and someone comes to me in the shop while I'm working and says, How are you? Nine times out of ten. I will divert the question to them. John Adams: Yes. Crystal Nevedale: Because if it's if it's not something that's going to help them, you know, it's not worth me talking about. I have people in my life that I trust and that I can call that I know that will hear me and help me and guide me. I try to just kind of divert to how they are doing, you know, and try to be there to listen. John Adams: in those certain circumstances, you know, I don't I don't I'm the same way. And that kind of goes back to, you know, you don't want to feel like you need pity or whatever. But like I'll be in the car and somebody but how's your day? It's always, you know, I'm doing good. You know, I don't want to be like, yeah, it's terrible. You know, the first three rides, you know, or just didn't pay any, you know. I don't like to do that, you know. But Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: When you do have somebody that genuinely cares, you know, maybe they don't know you as well, but they genuinely care and they say, Hey, you know, how you doing? You know, you don't have to vomit your entire life story to them, but just be like, you know what? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Can I have a hug? You know what I mean? Sometimes that's all you need. You don't have to tell Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: them everything. You don't have to say, I got up and I kicked the t the bed and my toes broke and, you know, the blood all over the floor. You don't have to s you don't have to explain anything. Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: You know what? No, you know what, I'm I'm not. Can I have a hug? I mean, sometimes that goes a million miles, you know. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: yeah. I believe that physical touch is a a healer in itself. Sometimes I feel like in my partnership that we've actually spoke about this recently, like when I feel overwhelmed that sometimes a hug is just way much more effective than any words that could ever be spoken. John Adams: y we were talking about that last week with the grief so you got somebody in your life and they're grieving and you you think they're having a hard time with it you know Have you ever, and I know I I can tell you, I can name three. I won't say their names, but I can name three people that I've been talking to. You know, how you know, how's things going? I know it's not going great, but you know, how you doing? I'm doing okay. And then you just, you know, I'm so sorry, and you hug them, and they just ball right on your shoulder at that moment. Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. Yeah. John Adams: That's the one that that might be that moment and that they just needed to. Just and they and I've had at least one of those three literally at the end go. Man, thank you for that. I needed that. I needed a good, you know, cry. I needed a good, you know, and Crystal Nevedale: Right. Needed to get it out. John Adams: yeah, yeah. So sometimes when people come up to you and they say, you know, how you doing? You know, if if you're truly having a great day, sure. Yeah, man, it's an amazing day. You know, I've had a million of those. But if you're dealing with something, just you know, you know, nah, it's it's been a bad day. Can I, can I just have a hug? I don't, I want to, you know, I don't want to get into it, but can you let Things out. Don't carry If you can just lighten your load for a little bit for the day, it it you'll feel so much better. So as we wrap up here, I just want, you know, if there's one thing that I just kind of want everybody to take from today's conversation. It's this one thing. You really never know what somebody's carrying. We're not carrying clear backpacks all over the place. So stop caring what their political guidelines are. Stop caring what they look like. Stop caring. Mind you, it might be a little tough to hug somebody that smells, but stop caring what their hygiene is. Be kind to people. Be patient with people. Give people a little grace. And if there's one thing that you're carrying in a happy back in a happy backpack right now, please remember this. You don't have to carry it alone. There's friends, there's family, there's loved ones. There's people out there that will listen. There's courage in saying that I'm struggling. You don't have to feel weak. And there absolutely nothing, there's absolutely, absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you're not okay, that it's not a good day, that I need to talk. You don't have to be, you know, pity party John and do it every day, but give it out. Don't carry it with you. Because at the end of the day, we spend so much time carrying these heavy loads. And sometimes you get so comfortable carrying those heavy loads that you end up going 20 years and about to have a heart attack. Don't be that. Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: Take a lesson from me. So if today's conversation resonated with you, or if you know somebody that might need to hear this, as I always say. Share it with them. Let people know, hey, you're not alone. These two crazy people have been there. We've all been there. Crystal Nevedale: Speak for your darn self. John Adams: But seriously, you know, sometimes, you know, it's simpler to remember that you don't have to pretend, right? We we've all been there, we've all done it. And all joking aside, we just we really want everybody to know that, you know, fill up our comment conversation our our comments, right? We're both on social media. If if you you know, I I'll tell everybody, you know, throw it out there. if I can't answer it, I'll listen. I I will just Listen, and that might be the only thing you need. So I know that we've had two weeks of some some real heavy, heavy episodes. So I promise to get you guys a little some lighter conversations coming forward. and again, I want to remind everybody that we do have some really cool cool guests that I'm trying to work on and getting timing set up for to try to get some people on. one of them used to be in the music industry, he did Part of getting guns and roses going. And now he does Pilates, which helps with mental health, with physical health, with stretching, with your body, with everything. So we're gonna have him on. I've got a couple other people that we are gonna try to get on that are in the psych psychology field and talk about some of those things. So if you haven't subscribed already, subscribe. you don't want to miss a thing. And we've got a newsletter started back up, so you'll start to see those rolling in. usually once a week. It'll be a small recap of the episode and some maybe some extra thoughts from that I thought of while editing that I want to send out, let everybody know. and maybe some other surprises along the way. So subscribe to that newsletter and you might get some things that you know people that are just listening to the podcast may never see. So as always, guys, until next time, stay healthy. Crystal Nevedale: Stay balanced. John Adams: And keep driving forward. We'll see you next time.