Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 142. TRANSPARENCY: The Secret to Stronger Bonds & Preventing Relationship Breakdowns

Transcript

142. TRANSPARENCY: The Secret to Stronger Bonds & Preventing Relationship Breakdowns · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apodjay Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is.
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  Speaker 3: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises.
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: Ashy and Tiana, Thanks for joining us.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Today's episode is a big one. We're excited to talk
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: about this because it's so important for us.
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  Speaker 3: We have this conversation all the time about transparency. Now,
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  Speaker 3: this is the way that we believe we create the
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: secret to stronger bonds and SA relationships, Yeah, safe for
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: relationships and preventing relationship breakdowns. And this is a huge
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: conversation we've been having with people in our dms, anyone
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: who's putting in best the advice segments, conversations with other
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: women that we've been having. And it's a huge topic
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: right now of relationships, breakdowns and communication. And I think
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: the biggest thing about relationships is not about necessarily repairing,
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  Speaker 3: but more about preventing preventing.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Yes, and this is.
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  Speaker 3: Something we actively do all the time, and I think
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  Speaker 3: we both have only just realized recently how important it.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Is this since I've met you. Yeah, I didn't realize
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: how important it was.
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  Speaker 2: And it's cool because I've then been able to teach
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  Speaker 2: it to Steve and he's on the same page now.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: He didn't really understand it. But such a difference between
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: being fully transparent and missing out bits and peaceful Yes.
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  Speaker 4: First of all, anyway, we have a share of the week.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Mine is a bit of a shameless plug, but it's
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: something I don't really talk about that much on socials.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: I mean, a big reason is because we sell out
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: so often. But if you have not tried our clean treats.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: The reason I'm bringing this up now is we had
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: a meeting the other day with another company that wants
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: to collaborate with us, and she was asking us our
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: reason why we do the clean treats. In my early twenties,
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  Speaker 2: when we first started Clean Treats, I had really bad
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  Speaker 2: sisteric acne. It came off the pill and really bad acne,
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  Speaker 2: and my nature told me to go off gluten. I
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  Speaker 2: was in massive sweet tooth that went down like three
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  Speaker 2: blocks of chocolate a week. I loved ice cream. I
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  Speaker 2: was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get my
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  Speaker 2: sweet tooth hits. So I started then having a lot
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  Speaker 2: of raw treats. But some of the raw treats were
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  Speaker 2: like a thousand calories deep for one little slice of something,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: or they just tasted like nuts, or they just tasted
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: like dates. I knew that there was something missing in
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: the market, and that's when I collaborated with someone to
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  Speaker 2: create clean treats, and we now have over forty five
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  Speaker 2: different flavors. I think most are not in stock because
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: they sell it so quick, but they're basically a gluten free,
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  Speaker 2: dairy free, soy free, preservative free, natural, vegan, healthy alternative
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  Speaker 2: to your favorite sweet treats. So we have ones that
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: replicate mal teasers, TwixT bars, Mars bars, cookie dough. My
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  Speaker 2: favorite is a caramel almond dough. There's just so many
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: flavors to suit everyone. Mint, orange, like literally fudge, anything
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: you can donk on it. We have like a Kramelk slice.
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  Speaker 2: They're so delicious and so yummy. And if you're someone
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  Speaker 2: that cares about your health and cares about what's getting
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: put into your body and your children's bodies is the
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: best healthier alternative. So if there's any online when you
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: go and check them out stock cop By, you can.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: They're freaking delicious and we do have a new flavor
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: coming out soon as well. Would you guys gonna die?
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: So I'll leave the link in the description box and
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: you guys can check it out. Yeah, the kids love them, don't.
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  Speaker 2: They just gone out of style, the fun fetty ones
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  Speaker 2: which have little sprinkles and they're the only ones that
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: are not gloing free because of the sprinkles. Fun fetty
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: but that is my kids absolute favorite. Everyone's like, how
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: long do you clean? To you this last in your
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  Speaker 2: free room? Like, well a day.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe because they get all eaten.
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  Speaker 2: But the rest of the ingredients are the sprinkles, sprinkles
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  Speaker 2: all gun free. Yeah, so good. That's my little shameless plug.
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  Speaker 2: But I'm really passionate and proud of that product. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: so you sure, thank you.
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  Speaker 3: My Share of the Week is actually an Instagram page.
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  Speaker 3: It's called World Poetry Collective.
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  Speaker 1: Oh.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, I from when I was young have always been
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  Speaker 3: like a poetry girl.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I used to read poetry books when I was like
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  Speaker 3: sixteen or such a little lover girl and always have
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: bins for the end of the days. So when I
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: was going through my heartbreak phase and I was going
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: through my lover phase anyway. Actually the purpose of this
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: is because I found a quote on there by Carl
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  Speaker 3: Jong and it says, there is no coming to consciousness
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  Speaker 3: without pain. And I thought this was really cool because
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: a lot of the times, myself included, we wish for change,
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  Speaker 3: but we don't realize that change comes with changed behavior,
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  Speaker 3: and that change behavior sometimes can be really challenging.
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  Speaker 2: And I think if you are trying.
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  Speaker 3: To become aware of your blind spots, become aware of
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  Speaker 3: things that you do, whether you're a parent, whether it's
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  Speaker 3: in friendships, relationships, in your workplace, procrastination, whatever it is,
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  Speaker 3: when you're trying to become aware of what you were
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  Speaker 3: doing so that you can change it, it often comes
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  Speaker 3: with like discomfort. And I think if you can know
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  Speaker 3: and realize that, like anytime you were going to change,
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  Speaker 3: there's going to be some level of discomfort, but knowing
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  Speaker 3: that you can handle the discomfort, you won't be so
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  Speaker 3: scared to change.
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  Speaker 1: That's cool.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I just thought that was a cool reminder.
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  Speaker 2: They know you're going to be okay, You're going to
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  Speaker 2: be okay. Discomfort doesn't mean impossible. Yeah, comfort doesn't mean
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  Speaker 2: you can't do it. It's just uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 3: And it's only uncomfortable because you've created a habit out
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  Speaker 3: of what it is you're choosing right now, and it's
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  Speaker 3: new and it's new.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really cool. So many good Instagram pages out there,
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  Speaker 2: isn't there? Oh my god, you can have a good scroll.
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  Speaker 2: You actually are taking in really really good information that
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  Speaker 2: can make impact. You got me onto quotes.
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  Speaker 1: I love it, love it, love love it. Okay.
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  Speaker 2: The first thing that I want you to explain is
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  Speaker 2: what is the difference between being transparent and being honest?
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  Speaker 2: The words I'm going to quickly a change. Yeah, it's
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  Speaker 2: easy if you don't mind. Is telling the truth and
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  Speaker 2: being transparent?
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  Speaker 1: Okay.
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  Speaker 3: And we had a conversation around this, and this has
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  Speaker 3: been a huge game changer for me in terms of
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: learning how to communicate effectively from myself to others. Right,
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  Speaker 3: the difference between it is telling the truth is hey, babe,
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to amigo start with the boys. Transparency is
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: hey babe. On Friday, I'm going to Amigos with the boys.
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  Speaker 3: We're probably going to go around seven o'clock. Joe and
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  Speaker 3: Adam will be there, and probably his wife Karina is
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  Speaker 3: going to be there as well. I'm not sure who
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  Speaker 3: else is going to be there, but I'll probably home
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: around nine o'clock and I'll be home in bed with
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: you by nine point thirty.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm planning having a few drinks, if so.
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  Speaker 4: That too, right?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So that's the difference between telling the truth and transparency.
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  Speaker 3: It's like transparency is like I'm telling you all the
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  Speaker 3: little finder details that I know and no effort at
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  Speaker 3: all for me to share with you. There's no reason
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  Speaker 3: to hide it. There's no reason to hide it. Whereas
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: if you have had wounds like what Ashi and I have,
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  Speaker 3: where we have had people lie to us, cheat, deceive us,
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  Speaker 3: betray us in some way, which I'm sure you have
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  Speaker 3: most humans have. Is that you will look for cracks
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  Speaker 3: in someone's story, especially if you've been hurt before, and
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  Speaker 3: so when you are telling the truth, it's easy to
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  Speaker 3: go okay, cool, Well, now I want to question who's
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  Speaker 3: going to be there now? I want to question what
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  Speaker 3: are you going to do when you're there? Are you
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  Speaker 3: going to be drinking? Are the boys going to be there,
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  Speaker 3: how long you're going to stay out for, or when
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  Speaker 3: it comes to a friend, you.
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  Speaker 4: Know the same thing.
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  Speaker 3: And so when somebody is transparent with you, specifically your partner,
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  Speaker 3: because that's just where I've gone with this, it allows
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  Speaker 3: you to soften as a woman. It allows you to go,
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  Speaker 3: I'm safe with this person because they have over communicated
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  Speaker 3: with me and they have been transparent. Now I don't
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  Speaker 3: have to ask questions, I don't have to croak, I
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  Speaker 3: don't have to be a detective and try to figure
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  Speaker 3: out what it is that they're doing because they've overly
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  Speaker 3: given me what I needed. And I think that's a
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  Speaker 3: really important thing to note if you're trying to communicate better,
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  Speaker 3: or if you have a partner who has wounds with trust, deceit, loyalty,
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  Speaker 3: been cheated on before.
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  Speaker 1: And it's actually so easy to do.
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  Speaker 2: It's so easy. It's so easy, and you can do
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  Speaker 2: this in all of theendo dynamics. We do it in
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  Speaker 2: our friendship sometimes and like we've said in the previous episodes,
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  Speaker 2: sometimes we're like, oh, that's okay, baby, don't need to
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  Speaker 2: tell me the details. I was like, no, I don't
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  Speaker 2: need to, but I want to because I'm preventing there
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  Speaker 2: ever being any reason for you to question or wonder
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  Speaker 2: what's happened to, where's this gone or whatever. It's just
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  Speaker 2: I'd rather put it all out on table and than
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  Speaker 2: just it's there. Yeah, and it's so beautiful, so beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: I've taken this into my relationship with Steve and it's
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  Speaker 2: really helped both of us be able to communicate way
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  Speaker 2: more clearly. Why would you not want to if you
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  Speaker 2: really truly care about that person, even if they don't
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  Speaker 2: have deep wounds. If you can prevent any question, why
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  Speaker 2: would you not.
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  Speaker 3: The thing that I kind of put it down to it.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if this is correct or not, but
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  Speaker 3: this is just how I've kind of explored this. If
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: that person hasn't experienced somebody lying to them before, or
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: having been betrayed or having been cheated on, or something
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: where they've had to really question someone what somebody's telling them,
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: then maybe they think, oh, this isn't a big deal,
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  Speaker 3: like or why would I need to overly explain like
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  Speaker 3: do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 1: It does it's like an interrogation.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right.
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  Speaker 3: It's like to that person, it doesn't matter to them
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: to get every fine detail. And for the most part,
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: I think men are more predisposed to be like that.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: They're like, oh yeah, whatever, Like they're like, I'm good.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Good to the pub, to the pub, what I need
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  Speaker 1: all the details.
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  Speaker 4: Totally, you know.
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  Speaker 3: So I feel like they're naturally more that way. But
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: then when you see a man who has been hurt before,
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: he needs more of those details. He wants to know
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: what you're doing, he wants to know who you're going with.
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: He has to understand all those things. So it's just
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: like having compassion that just because you don't need something
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: doesn't mean that somebody else won't need that.
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  Speaker 1: Someone's got their own pain.
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  Speaker 3: And that comes with curiosity, right, curiosity about what you
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: need and curiosity about all your partner needs to.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's also explain that it's like, hey, like, you
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: don't have to give all the details, but I'm telling
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: you when you do, gosh, it makes me feel good.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: It makes you feel heur it makes you feel safe,
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  Speaker 2: It makes me not question anything.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I don't need to worry.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I want you to go and have a good night
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: and then come home to me, and it's all good. Yes, Yeah,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: it's a preventative Yeah, that's amazing, And yeah, this isn't
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: just in the intimate relationships. I've got a friend so
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: I love very very very dearly. She's been in my
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: life for a very long time, and I will always
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: be here for her. I will always show up for her.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: But I found in the last maybe like five years,
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: that she's not fully transparent with me, even to the
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: point where there's little lies told in her stories. Because
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: she tells me a story that she thinks I want
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: to hear, and then she'll tell her other friend a
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: story that she wants to hear, and then the other
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: friend a different one. So there's a lack of transparency
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: amongst all of us. So then if we bring something
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: up and talk about it and now has created distance
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: and cracks in the friendship. And I've gone to this friend,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: I've spoken to her about this and she's aware of it.
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  Speaker 2: So this is something that I would be happily having
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: another discussion with her. But it does it creates questions
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  Speaker 2: so that when she tells me something, I'm like, did
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: that really happen? Or is that the full truth? That
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: I start to question things I'm just not quite sure,
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  Speaker 2: And it's created distance because when there's cracks. It creates
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: a little bit of distrust. I don't fully trust.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Your word any law.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: You don't fully feel safe, you don't fully feel reliant.
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  Speaker 2: So that has created a distance and a disconnection in
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: our friendship.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I still love her and I don't judge her for it.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: She's coping how she knows how to cope, and I
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: think unconsciously she's probably got shame around different things that
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: she's doing, and that's why she suppresses it and tells
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: a different story because she thinks that will I don't know,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: make us happy or make us proud, like you know.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: But it's sad because when you're not transparent and there
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: is little lies told in your story, it does affect
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: your relationships. And if you're craving deep, connected, authentic, honest relationships,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: and that's what I want, it can't be there if
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: you're not fully transparent.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, And it's interesting, like what you were saying, I've
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: been on the opposite end of that. So when I
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: was younger, for some reason, I went into this real
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: phase of lying. And I'm talking like fifteen, I was
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: really youngest, when I was still living at home and
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: I was just I would lie about lots of little things,
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: important things, but little white lies, especially if for men,
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: like not getting in trouble with my parents, I would
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: be like, oh, like, if I can spin this truth
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: a little bit so it sounds a little bit better,
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: to make it more palatable, I'll do that, you know,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: And then that way I wouldn't get as bad of
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: a punishment or drug whatever. And then I noticed that
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: as I got older, into like seventeen eighteen, I started
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: bringing that into my relationships. And when I had a friendship,
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: I remember her calling me out on little white lives.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: And at the time I wasn't fully conscious that I
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: was doing it, but I remember when she called me
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: out on that, I was like, what do you mean?
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: Like I didn't even really it wasn't even important detail
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: like that kind of you know, that kind of mindset
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: around it.
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  Speaker 2: I was like, Oh, it's not really that big of
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: a deal. And I did.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: I was true for but I just didn't say one
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: thing or whatever. Then it's like that one thing can
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: then ruin that person's trust for you, like I did
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: for you. Only takes one crack, you know, or it
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: to happen consistently two times three times, so that person
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: to go all right, now I don't trust you, you know,
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: and so on the receiving end of that, it came
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: from a place of I know what it feels like
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: to disappoint people that I love and for them to
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: not trust me me, and how hard that felt for
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: me because I when I used to lie a lot,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: my parents didn't trust me. And then I would be
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: so good, so good for six months. Then I would
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: tell one little why and they're like, see, you're doing
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: the thing that you owe and I'm like, I put
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: on all this effort and so yeah, it was like, okay, no,
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: this is about how I want to show up who
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: I want to be, and if I can overly be
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: transparent and I can prevent this from happening, I'm going
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: to get a better outcome here.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: It's also that thing of like, how do you want
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: the people in your life to treat you? You have
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: to be that yes, kind of your double standard. Yeah,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: you're not showing up that way. So I want Steve
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: and you my friends to be totally transparent with me,
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: then I need to be that.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's just how it is.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: And then don't you feel as well when you start
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: showing up as something you influence the people around you.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Can you attract more people too? Yeah?
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: Will you naturally start being more transparent? It's like, well
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: the other person's going to start doing that, Yeah, because
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: then you just you grow together exactly. I think that
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: person might look at you and go, wow, like that
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: was really cool, that felt really nice. Cool, I'm going
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: to do that to her?
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Bad all the drops away? Yes, because you're not aligned
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: and they don't have the same beliefs.
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: Yes, that's true.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: They don't vally that as much.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: I can definitely won't.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: You won't be aliged, you won't be as connected.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: But this is what at least we believe as how
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: you prevent friendship and relationship breakdown is if you can
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: have the ultimate value of transparency in everything that you do.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: If you do nothing else but be transparent, you will
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: find that there's a lot less problems in your dynamics
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: because it just prevents so much. It prevents questioning, it
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: prevents breakdowns, it prevents cracks, It prevents you know, distrust,
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: all going behind each other's back and worrying about what
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: the other person is going to say, or you know,
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: worrying about how the other person is feeling you're just
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: being transparent.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: If you're in a fight, and if you don't want
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: to tell the full truth because you're worried how they
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: might respond or react or how they might feel, that's huge.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: If you're worried, you already know they're going to be upset,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: so even more reason to bring it forward. There's people
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: going to be at this event that they don't like,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: or there's being a hissue with or something, and you're
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: keeping that from them. You're worried how they're going to react,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: even more reason to tell them.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Yes, you know what I mean.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: If you're already feeling like that, you know you know
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: they're going to be upset. That's a conscious choice whether
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: you hide that from them or you tell them. And
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: once again, it prevents later on them finding out be like,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: why didn't you tell me he was.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Going to be there?
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: You've lied to me, so you've ere going to be there.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: Now I can't trust when you go to the next event,
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: because if you were straight up honest with them, Hey,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: this person's going to be there. I know you don't
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: like them. I know the great history there. You can
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: call me at any time. I'll be home at this
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: time my phone's on. Whatever you need to feel supported?
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: Do you want to come? What's going to make you
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: feel good?
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: Oh? I know you got my back.
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's so true what you said. It's so true.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: It's like, if you think that they're not going to
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: be okay with it, they're probably not going to be.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: No, you know.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: And if you the roles were on the other road, yep,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: and if you put yourself in their issues and you
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: found out what they were doing, would you be okay
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: with it?
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Exactly?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: And if the answer is no, then lead by that exactly.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Let that be ale standard.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: No, Let that be your compass for how you behave
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: when it comes to other people, because it won't stray
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: you wrong because you know what's inherently right alo you
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: can feel it, and you'll know what their response.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: Is going to be to by doing that. Yeah, we
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: did this in our friendship too. I think we said
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: this in our previous episode, but it happened the other day.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: With money.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: I think you're transferred money to something whatever and you're like, hey,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: you just said you know that. I'm like, yeah, that's
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: all good, Like where are that? Like, you don't have
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: to tell me that? And you're like, no, I do
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: need to tell you. I'm just being transparent because it's
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: our money and I want you to know where everything's gone.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: And in my head, I've trust you with anything and
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: all of our money. But it's once again, it's preventing
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: it later on being like, oh, well, what happened to
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: that seven thousand dollars? Yes, it's like, oh, well, didn't
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: you know I had to pay this. It's like, no,
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I didn't know why I would not tell me that. Yeah,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: it was like I told you about it. I sent
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: you a screenshot, Yeah, either a receipt. Yeah, just transparency.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: You can see how later on it could cause a
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: breakdown or a miscommunication be like well you didn't tell
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: me you're transferring that.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: What about this five hundred dollars? What's that for? And
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: then it starts qushing everything.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: That's right, and it's like just preventing a problem or
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: a future conversation when it can be done now. Yes,
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: you know, because like let's say, you know, six months
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: down the track and we do our tax or whatever
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: and it's seven thousand dollars deducted.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like, well, where was that money you got that?
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: It's like it creates a question that doesn't need to
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: be a question exactly, you know.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: So it's nipped it in the butt before it's that's right.
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: So this is the preventative thing that we're talking about.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: And it also does take a certain level of courage
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: to be able to prevent these things because it means
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: being vulnerable, and it means being brave, and it means
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: being willing to communicate when you don't want to communicate
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: it if you think that they're going to get mad,
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: but you know it will help.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Say it.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if you are.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: Scared to share how you're feeling, say it, do you
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: know what I mean?
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Like, you will never lose somebody from being honest about
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: how you truly feel if they're meant to be so true.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I really agree with that.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: And I just think that's something to live by. Yeah,
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: the right people will stay. Oh.
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: Something else that we do that's really powerful, and we've
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: done it more so recently, is that we come in
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: with reassurance first.
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: Before we have a hard commis.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: I find this is really good because it's disarming.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Even the other day I got like six long
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: voice messages.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: I saw the way and I was with the kids
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: it's like around the five pm mark, which is my
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: hectic time with the kids, and I saw the voice
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: message come through and I was she said, don't listen
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: to these until you have space, But instantly I was like, oh,
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: something's wrong. So I listened to the first one to
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: my bathroom. I was like, quick, I listen to this.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: And it was like, I'm just setting you know, we're
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: all good, reassuring you nothing's wrong. This is just about data. Yes.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, cool, I can listen to.
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: That later whenever I'm ready.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: She's not dying, she's not leaving me. Yeah, yeah, she
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: wants to do the podcast.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, still yes, yeah, still just the reassurance.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, because we've had conversations and I know
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: what a triggers for you, and I know you're wounding,
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: and I know my wounding, and I know how to
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: support you in yours. So I'm like, okay, cool, how
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: can I make sure that she doesn't have a heart
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: attack when I try to bring a conversation yeah into
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: her because the first thing that happens when you go
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: to have a conversation is oh my god, and you
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: think worst case.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: Scenario, Yeah, because you're scared yeah, this person.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Don't leave. I'm going to die.
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: They're going to be mad at me. The worst case
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: scenario things, and.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: It's normally the opposite. Even when you brought your work
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: thing in, I was like, oh my gosh, of course
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: I feel the same. Yeah, I'm so aligned with that.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, do that.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: It must have been such a relief for you because
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: it was kind of sitting on you for a little
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: It was something that I just kind of needed to
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: sit with.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: But I haven't really gotten clear on whether I wanted
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: to voice it on yeah, okay, cool, like I feel
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: ready to just was like, oh my gosh.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah I feel the same.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like cool, done, done, But yeah, the
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: reassurance is really nice. And I think because we have
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: similar wounds of abandonment and rejection, we both know how
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: nice that feels.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Just be reassured that we're all good, nothing's wrong.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: And there was something I can't remember exactly what it
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: was about, but I remember feeling a little bit anxious
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: the other day and just feeling like overwhelmed. I remember
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: bringing something into you and you're like, I just want
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: to let you know that you're never too much, You're
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: not too much.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: You're not too hard to love. You're not Yeah, all
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: of the things safe with me.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you're saying, Oh, that's right. You said you're so
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: safe with me. You're so safe with me. You can
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: bring this in. And I just was like, oh, like
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: let me took a big deep breath and I was
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: just like, oh, I love it here.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: I'm so safe.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I can just be.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: And that felt really good because I was sharing something
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: that I felt a little bit uncomfortable with and I
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: hadn't really worked out in my head. So to know
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: that she was like my safe place to come and
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: be messy, It's like cool.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Bring it all in.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you it the other day as well, another
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: example something I was feeling a bit triggered by, maybe
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: something online. I think I was beating around the bush
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: and trying to be polite of this message that I got,
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: and you were like, Stephanie, bring her in.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: What does she really think?
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: I was like, actually, I'm fucking pissed this fucking person
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: said this, and I don't like it.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: For better now, yeah, And I could respond to her
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: in a really polite way. I was like, I'm good.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: You were like, Stephanie's been away. I haven't seen her
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: for a while. I was like, you're right, Yeah, she's
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: been hiding, and it's so healthy to bring that forward.
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: So good.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: I could feel that you were holding back for some reason,
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: and I was like.
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, we're not going to do that here.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Because the story is I don't want to be a bitch.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I want to be understanding, I want to be compassionate.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: I want to be nice girl and be a good girl.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: All those stories resurfaced, and I actually was really angry
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: and I wasn't allowing that anger to come through. As
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: soon as you said, Stephanie, I was like, oh, she's
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: a very bitch. Yeah, yeah, cool, I'm going to bring
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: this forward. And I was like actually, yeah, I don't
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: like this. Yeah, and that annoys me that she thinks that.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: And then once I got it off, I was like, okay,
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: feel good not squashing those emotions.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: I was like okay, I replied to her, and then
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: I was like, actually I don't even need to give
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: that any energy, and it was done.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I'm done. Yeah, So it's cool. The resurance is really cool.
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's good.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Love it.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: But you can see how this really takes two people
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: to be will right because anybody listening here can hear
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: that we're both just as open, just as vulnerable, both
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: on the same page about what we want from each other,
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: what we want from friendships, and where we want to
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: go from here. And I think we both uphold the
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: standard we want from each other with ourselves too, which
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: is cool if you can find people who are willing
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: and I know it's easier than done, but just all
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: you need from people is just willingness because you can
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: figure it out together.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: That's what we're doing. It's so special when you find
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: someone with but you'ret any life partner, your friendships, your
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: family members, everything.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, it's beautiful.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: True.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: Something that we both do in our dynamic to prevent
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: any breakdowns and prevent any cracks being formed is I
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: think when we both get triggered, we both clock it
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: pretty quickly, have a moment, and then we'll both go
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: oh shit, Like I think I said that in a
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: condescending way. Yeah, we do passive aggressive or I think
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: that maybe didn't come out of the way that I
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: meant it, or you know, when we get triggered and
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: something happens, we come back very quickly and it'll be
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: like within ten minutes each other a voice note and
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: be like, hey, babe, I just wanted to let you
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: know this is what came up for me. Sorry, this
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: is my part, Like I can see how I could
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: have done this better. Yes, you know, I feel like
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: we do that really well and it hasn't happened very often,
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: but when we do, we repair quickly, very quick to repair.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: I think by us both taking accountability for what we've done.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: I say to you, you know, like I did this.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: I know that how this would have felt, would have
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: made you feel like this, I'm so sorry for that,
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: Like I didn't mean it, And this is what I'll
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: do better next time. You know, I'm learning, and then
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: you'll do the same thing for me. And by taking
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: full accountability and then also creating a plan for of
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: like I'll do this better next time. This is what
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: I'm willing to work on, Like I'm trying to move
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: through this.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: Da da da da, And.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: A lot of the time it's a learning opportunity because
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: both people can always improve. It's like when you come
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: to me and say that, I'm like, yeah, but I
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: can also see how I could have set that softer,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: or use different language, or I didn't mean for that
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: to come out so fast. Or maybe I'll pause next
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: time and just think a little bit more, or you know,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: communicate and ask you what you actually need. Like whatever
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: the situation, we'll always both clean up our own lanes together,
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: like next time, let's do this. Absolutely.
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: So when we were in Bali, we were creating content
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: and we like, you know, you've been feeling super stretching,
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: you're just traveling and all the things.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's right, you had. Yeah, you had sinus issues
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: from the.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Air so tired, can't keep my eyes open. It was
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: a really low state.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: You just traveled a whole lot.
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you just like we were filming content and there
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: was this moment where you just like kind asked me
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: to take over. You're like, I don't want to lead.
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: Something happened. We were just like talking about content anyway,
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: You're like, I just don't I don't want to lead.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I'm tapped out.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Yes, it was just this moment where I was like, oh,
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: I noticed that it was like in a different turn
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: and I was like, oh, okay, Like I wonder what
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: was like underneath that, And then there was more there
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: and I remember like coming to you and being like
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: hey babe, like you know, and voicing it and talking
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: through it with you. We both went on our separate ways.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: We're like, okay, we'll just part content for now, like
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: obviously there's a lot going on, and then we jumped
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: on bikes, went to dinner, and then we kind of
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: came back together for dinner. We were like I love you, yeah,
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: you know, a moment, but it was just in that moment.
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: What we did after the fact was important because when
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: we came together and you were like, hey, babe, like,
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: I just want to let you know, like this is
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: what I was feeling. And then once you shared with
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: me what you were feeling, I was like, oh, you
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: know what, this is what I could have done better too.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: You know, I could have noticed that you were feeling
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: really tired and that you didn't want to lead in
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: this area, and I could have naturally just taken the reins.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: But then I took something feeling saying I should have
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: communicated more openly and said I was feeling really fucking chit.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: But I wanted to keep the high vibes and I
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: wanted to enjoy myself my time in Bali. I didn't
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: want to lay in bed and sleep all day and
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: not go out to dinner. So I tried to just
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: keep the energy up yet. But I should have said
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: to you, I feel fucking shit my brain. I can't
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: even think right now. Was winning off sleeping tablets too? Oh? Yes,
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: it was a lot going on. I should have just said,
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: are you able to leave? Choose the content and I
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: will jump in anything you want me to jump in. Yes,
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: but I can't lead right now? Is I took on
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: the leadership role when I didn't want to, and they
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: got a bit frustrated, and then it caused a little moment.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And it.
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: Was so easy for things like that to happen once
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: it's tired, or you haven't eaten, or like you haven't
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: slept or whatever, the reality of it, Like you know,
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: when you spend a lot of time together, it's like
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: things like this are going to like look, yeah, I
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: I've done it too.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: And I think that was a really cool moment for
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: us to just like see how quickly we repaired in yeah,
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: and even anything, so it's not even a big deal,
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: was even anything to necessarily repair because in the moment
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: we were both just like, oh cool, Yeah, I could
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: have done this better. You could have done this better,
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: and then we just both took accountability for that. Yeah.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was really beautiful. Love that. I love that.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: Look, we hope this has been helpful. This has honestly
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: been such a game changer for us in our dynamic.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: And you know, we're always getting questions around this sort
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: of topic and like how to prevent it and how
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: to communicate and.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: How to be their relationships.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: It's a huge topic and it's a huge want and desire.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: But when you can learn how to do it, you'll
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: create really beautiful friendship dynamics. I've been wanting to bring
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: this conversation in for a while because it's such a
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: big conversation with us that we have all the time,
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: and even we will giggle and be like just over reshowing,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: but it's going to share it all because it's like, yeah,
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: that's what we get to do with each other. Yeah,
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: it's so beautiful. So we hope this helps. We hope
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: you take this into your relationships and the way it
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: teaches to the people around you got to start with
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: you though.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, thanks for joining us.
• 25:04
  Speaker 4: We'll see you on the next time.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Goodbye bye.